Friday, January 06, 2006

What Can't Brown Do For You?

Kermit the Frog once noted that it’s not easy being green.  Perhaps the lovable Muppet would like to change colors.  This week in the sports world, it’s been a great time to be Brown.



Most notably, Texas head coach Mack Brown became a national champion on Wednesday as his Longhorns edged USC in a classic Rose Bowl.  The triumph was vindication for a coach long branded with the “can’t win the big one” label.  Immediately after the game, a large monkey dejectedly jumped off his back, asking for directions to Alex Rodriguez’s house.  On the heels of Roy Williams’s NCAA championship and Phil Mickelson’s two major victories, unemployment levels for monkeys are at an all-time high.



On Thursday, Illinois guard Dee Brown continued the theme with a career-high 34 points in a 60-50 win over Michigan State.  The sixth-ranked Illini remained unbeaten and increased their home winning streak to 30 games.  Opponents are now referring to visits to Illinois as “Andre” – a bad-tasting Champaign.  The Spartans were able to stay in the contest thanks to a team-high 17 points from, of course, Shannon Brown.  Dee Brown credited his teammates for setting good screens and finding him for open looks.  Clearly he appreciates the value of teamwork, but it’s a good thing he did not go on to say, “There is no ‘I’ in ‘Illini.’”



Browns also showed what they can do on Monday.  Despite holding the second-worst record in the NBA (take that, Atlanta!), head coach Larry Brown led the New York Knicks to a triple-overtime victory over the first place Phoenix Suns.  Larry was so inspired, he announced that he will continue as the Knicks head coach for two more weeks before moving on to coach the New Orleans Saints.  Also on Monday, Georgia did lose to West Virginia in the Sugar Bowl, but you cannot blame Thomas Brown.  His 52-yard touchdown run in the second quarter helped the Bulldogs to get back into the game.  However, the Mountaineers, like Bad Bad Leroy Brown, proved to be meaner than junkyard Dawgs.



Speaking of dogs, the trend could even bode well for Lakers forward Kwame Brown.  He is confident that he might even score a point in tonight’s matchup with Philadelphia.  Reached for comment, Lakers coach Phil Jackson remarked, “I’ve coached Michael, Scottie, and Kobe, and none of them were the #1 overall pick.  And this clown was?  Looks like I can forget about that zen state for a while.”



The Brown factor greatly simplifies forecasting this Saturday’s NFL playoff games.  The Washington Redskins and New England Patriots each have two Browns on the roster.  Therefore, the Sunshine State will mourn the losses of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Jacksonville Jaguars.  All playoff teams are breathing a sigh of relief that they do not have to face the Cleveland Browns, who have not won an NFL championship since Jim Brown led them to the 1964 title.  Jim Brown is the greatest athlete to share his last name with his team, just ahead of legendary Anaheim goaltender Jacques Mightyduck.



With such a great run for Browns, it is unfortunate that Charlie Brown is not in action this week.  Surely Lucy would not pull the ball away, and Charlie would make the winning kick.  Penn State and Florida State would immediately offer him a scholarship.  And the little red-haired girl would finally be his.