Thursday, July 27, 2006

Californians Urged To Cool Off By Wearing Dodger Uniforms

Over the past two weeks, California residents have had to withstand a record-breaking heat wave. Sweltering conditions have led to dozens of deaths and caused fears of blackouts and widespread wildfires. In response, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has drawn inspiration from the Californians who have been the coldest over this period. The governor has implored Golden Staters to cool off by wearing Los Angeles Dodger uniforms.

The Dodgers have provided a model for dealing with the heat by remaining remarkably frigid since the All-Star break, losing 13 of 14 games during that span. Wednesday’s 10-3 drubbing by the San Diego Padres was the eighth consecutive setback for Los Angeles, dropping the club to 7.5 games behind the first-place Padres. The Dodgers’ team ERA has risen in line with the soaring temperatures. Last Saturday in Woodland Hills, the thermometer hit a staggering 119 – roughly the Dodgers’ slugging percentage these days.

As a result, putting on a Dodger uniform should cool off Californians better than any air conditioner could. Immediately the uniform brings a refreshing chill, as well as the experience of striking out with a man in scoring position. However, with safety as a prime concern during the heat wave, residents are advised to use caution. Wearing the Dodger uniform does carry a significant risk of injury. On the bright side, anyone who wears J.D. Drew’s number 7 could get an unexpected bonus – receiving $11 million per year for no apparent reason.

Dodger uniforms are just one of many strategies Governor Schwarzenegger has considered in dealing with the crisis. At one point, the governor volunteered to reprise his role as Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin and put the entire state on ice. However, advisors got him to reconsider, noting that the mere mention of the awful movie would doom his hopes for re-election this November. As an alternative, Governor Schwarzenegger has held discussions with his Colorado counterpart Bill Owens to see if Owens will send the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train to cool off California.

One area in which the Dodgers will not be able to help residents is with power failures. Tens of thousands of state residents lost power this week, as aging transmission equipment failed under the heavy demand load caused by the heat. However, the Dodgers have no power to spare, ranking last in the National League with 82 home runs. Governor Schwarzenegger remarked with a chuckle, “Only Gray Davis has less power in this state.” He continued, “If the Dodgers keep losing, it’ll be ‘Hasta la vista, Grady.’” The line was in accordance with his re-election slogan “Four more years of tired catchphrases.”

The cooling effect of the Dodger uniforms has given hope to Al Gore in his fight against global warming. The former vice president has requested the creation of gigantic Dodger uniforms, large enough to cover glaciers. One such uniform is already in use, as 290-pound reliever Jonathan Broxton has donated his. Gore is particularly inspired because the sports world made him despondent about the issue just last month. The NBA finals left him convinced that nothing could be done to stop the Heat.

While the Dodgers are doing their part during the heat wave, the neighboring Angels are refusing to keep themselves cool. The Angels are 17-5 during July and have moved into a first place tie with Oakland. With the scorching activity around him, the Rally Monkey is sweating buckets. And he’s begging for a Dodger jersey.