What's Next After "Who's Now?"

If you’ve tuned into SportsCenter any time over the past month, you’ve been inundated with the question of “Who’s Now?” Tiger Woods and LeBron James are the finalists, with the “Now” person being revealed on Sunday. Presumably, the runner-up will have “Vice-Now” status and will assume the top position if the winner is no longer able to be “Now.”

ESPN has clearly enjoyed the “Who’s Now?” run, so expect to see some similar themes on future installments of SportsCenter. Here are some other possibilities, along with the potential winners.


Who’s Frau? Steffi Graf

Who’s Ow? Shaun Livingston

Who’s Meow? (The top Cat) Billy Gillispie

Who’s Yao? Yao Ming (Duh!)

Who’s Wow? Vince Young

Who’s Howe? (High-scoring Detroit Red Wing) Pavel Datsyuk

Who’s Dow? (An up-and-down Jones) Andruw Jones

Who’s Noun? (Person, place, or thing) Chuck Person

Who’s Mao? Yi Jianlian (Yao was already used)

Who’s Pow? Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Who’s Crying Now? 1981 hit from Journey

Who’s Chow? Joey Chestnut

Who’s Sow? Darren McFadden (I know, a sow is a FEMALE Hog, but how many girls are up for the Heisman?)

Who’s Plow? Eric Snow

Who’s Cow? (Sacramento coach, in Phil Jackson’s words) Reggie Theus

Who’s Show? (As in Eric Show, who surrendered Pete Rose’s record-breaking hit) Victim of Barry’s 756th

Who’s Vow? (Just married) Tony Parker

Bilas To Receive Police Protection In Chapel Hill

This Saturday, ESPN’s College GameDay crew will be in Chapel Hill for the North Carolina – Georgia Tech matchup. Hordes of Carolina blue-clad fans will be seen behind Rece Davis and company during their analyses. Some other men in blue will also be on hand in the Dean Smith Center. Analyst Jay Bilas will receive police protection during his visit to Chapel Hill.


As documented in a GameDay commercial, Bilas was the target of constant harassment during his last trip to UNC. A cafeteria worker flatly refused to serve him chocolate pudding. The employee, a huge Pink Floyd fan, later remarked, “If you played for Coach K, you can’t have any pudding!!! How can you have any pudding if you played for Coach K???” The former Duke hoopster was also abused while trying to eat his meal, being hit by backpacks and having his chair rammed repeatedly. Reportedly, each time a UNC student made contact with Bilas, Shane Battier instinctively flopped to the ground in Houston.


Those were just the attacks that were captured on camera. Bilas suffered numerous other indignities around Chapel Hill. While he tried to enjoy a beer at He’s Not Here, customers around Bilas dumped blue cups of Natural Light on his head. On campus, one man repeatedly screamed at him that he was going to hell. However, that was just the infamous Pit Preacher, who said the same thing to everyone.


Later Bilas was found tied up to UNC’s enduring symbol, the Old Well. A note was attached to him with the words “In Hubert We Trust.” He told authorities that he hadn’t been tortured like that since the last time he watched a Duke football game. Reached for comment, GameDay analyst and former Tar Heel guard Hubert Davis remarked with a grin, “I don’t know how that happened to Duke Boy.” Asked for his thoughts on the incidents, ESPN commentator Dick Vitale responded, “Duke Duke Duke Coach K Cameron Crazies, Baby!!!!!!” He gave the same response later when asked about the Iraq war.


Bilas joined former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps as a GameDay analyst to be targeted by overzealous fans. In February 2005, the crew was in Syracuse for a Big East showdown between the Orange and the Fighting Irish. Someone broke into Digger’s hotel room, stealing all his highlighters and replacing them with highlighters that did not match his ties. The culprit also covered the room with photos of Danny Ainge in a BYU uniform. The primary suspect wears glasses and has a receding hairline, and he has reportedly been seen roaming the sidelines at the Carrier Dome.


To make Saturday’s trip to Chapel Hill less eventful, ESPN decided that an extra police presence would be needed. The officers assigned to protect Bilas were carefully selected and are considered sympathetic to him in the hostile environment. Officer Redick is considered the top marksman on the force, although some claim that his shooting is wildly off-target in crucial situations. He will be accompanied by Officer Wojo, who responds to threatening situations by emphatically slapping the floor.


As for the game, the fourth-ranked Tar Heels enter the contest with the Yellow Jackets after a 77-55 rout over Clemson. The home loss was a major disappointment for the 16th-ranked Tigers. But at least Clemson, 0-52 lifetime at UNC, was spared a trip to Chapel Hill this season. Jay Bilas was not so lucky.

"Four Minutes" Part of ESPN's Campaign of Lies

As a writer, I take my responsibility to the readers very seriously.  When I see injustice done to the sports fans of America, I simply cannot pretend that all is well.  With that civic duty in mind, I am compelled to break this disturbing bit of news: ESPN has been lying to the American people.

 

In recent weeks, the ESPN family has relentlessly promoted Four Minutes, which first aired Thursday evening on ESPN2.  My research has uncovered a shocking truth: The so-called Four Minutes, in fact, runs for two hours.  I was not a math major, but I do know that 120 minutes are required to fill two hours.  So while millions of unsuspecting viewers planned to watch the program from 7:00 to 7:04pm, ESPN hijacked another 116 minutes of their time.  Never to be recovered.

 

Further investigation reveals a pattern of such blatantly false claims.  On Friday afternoon, Baseball Tonight will air at 3:30pm Eastern time.  You read that correctly – a program airing in the middle of the afternoon tries to pass itself off as being at night.  Similarly, the College Game “Day” crew has often provided commentary – brace yourself – in the evening!  Furthermore, NFL Live almost always airs when there is no live NFL action taking place.  The network of deception is simply disgraceful.

 

Saturday’s schedule contains a particularly egregious fabrication.  At noon Eastern time, ESPN Classic will carry the football game between Central Michigan and Army.  Exactly what is “classic” about the matchup of the 2–3 Chippewas and the 0–4 Black Knights?  Did Central Michigan’s win over the Akron Zips vault this contest into “classic” status?  I think not.

 

With no one holding it accountable for its deception, ESPN bills itself as “The worldwide leader in sports.”  However, there are plenty of nations around the world in which ESPN is not the sports leader.  For example, Al Jazeera Sports is the most popular sports channel in the Middle East.  You will never hear that news item from the fortress in Bristol.  At this point, I cannot trust anything I hear on SportsCenter.  The next time Stuart Scott says, “He’s as cool as the other side of the pillow,” I will assume that the other side of the pillow is, in fact, considerably cooler than that athlete.

 

I am sorry to have to break such ugly news to you.  However, I cannot sit passively and allow such treachery to go unchecked.  My personal safety is secondary to informing readers of the truth.  Some may call me a hero, but I’m just doing my job.