Saturday In College Hoops: A Day For Jimmy V

With Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith about to engage in a historic matchup, coaches have been entrenched in the sports spotlight this weekend. One day before the Super Bowl, one coach’s influence dominated the college basketball world. Surprisingly, he’s a guy who passed away 14 years ago. Saturday in college hoops was the day of Jim Valvano.


Most notably, Jimmy V’s old North Carolina State program scored an 83-79 stunner over #3 North Carolina. Despite Wednesday’s upset at Virginia Tech, the Wolfpack was given little chance to knock off the Tar Heels. Even the home court was not seen as an advantage. NCSU’s arena, the RBC Center, received its name because the Wolfpack “Rarely Beats Carolina.”


However, Valvano always relished the underdog role, and his influence must have rubbed off on one of his most notable players. First-year NC State coach Sidney Lowe was the starting point guard on Jimmy V’s 1983 NCAA championship team. The Wolfpack shot 60% in Saturday’s victory, and that strong performance proved that Lowe has successfully made adjustments this season. His earlier strategy, inspired by the classic title game stunner over Houston, had proven to be less effective. Lowe had encouraged his players to shoot airballs, figuring that Lorenzo Charles would slam them home.


Saturday’s victory was a huge boost for Lowe among the NC State faithful. Ever since Valvano left in 1990, the Wolfpack has lagged well behind UNC and Duke in the local pecking order. However, on Saturday the spirit of Jimmy V may have given the Pack some help from beyond – beyond the arc, that is, as NC State hit 8 of 15 on three-pointers. Watching the game in Tallahassee, former NCSU football coach Chuck Amato was seen screaming to the heavens, “Hey Valvano, where was that help for ME???”


Before going to Raleigh in 1980, Valvano was the head coach at Iona, where the spirit of Jimmy V was also present on Saturday. The Gaels finally notched their first victory of the season after dropping their first 22 contests. The 69-57 win over Rider came two days after Siena needed a buzzer-beater to subdue Iona. Clearly, February has been a hot month for the Gaels.


Like NC State, Iona is led by a coach who played at the school for Valvano. Jeff Ruland has been in charge since 1998, and his tenure has been largely successful. Just last season, the Gaels reached the NCAA tournament, falling to Final Four participant LSU in the first round. Since then, Iona endured the steepest one-year decline since Enron. And unlike the Washington Bullets in 1986, the Gaels could not improve their fortunes by trading Ruland for Moses Malone.


Completing his head coaching resume, Valvano also led the programs at Bucknell and Johns Hopkins. Bucknell was victorious Friday night, downing Navy 78-63. Johns Hopkins, #20 nationally in Division III, got a huge double-overtime road win at Haverford on Saturday. Clearly, Jimmy V was looking out for the visiting Blue Jays during the Centennial Conference showdown. If you leave Gooding Arena with a victory over the Fords, you know you’ve gotten some help from above.


In 1993, Jimmy V delivered a legendary speech at the ESPYs while suffering from cancer. Soon he was off to a better place, and not just because he had gotten away from Dick Vitale. That place had some unexpected entertainment on Saturday: a crazy Italian guy running around and looking for someone to hug.

Mavericks, Bucks Switch Conferences

Although the defending NBA champions reside in Miami, the Western Conference has been considered far superior to its Eastern counterpart. Today, commissioner David Stern made an announcement that will hugely impact the balance of power between the two sides. Effective immediately, the Dallas Mavericks and Milwaukee Bucks will switch conferences.


The league office made the decision with a forward view toward the NBA finals. The Washington Wizards currently have the best record in the Eastern Conference, but they would be the sixth seed in the West. Meanwhile, Dallas and the Phoenix Suns have been far-and-away the best teams in the NBA. Therefore, most observers expected the NBA finals to be far less suspenseful than the Western Conference finals. Always mindful of ratings, Stern decided to take action. He remarked in today’s press conference, “Why CAN’T the Mavericks play the Suns in the finals? I can do whatever I want – I’m David Stern, dammit!” He then suspended five players for “looking at me the wrong way” before killing a reporter with his bare hands.


The shift of the Bucks and Mavericks appears to make geographical sense. Like all professional sports leagues, the NBA aspires to be like the NFL, which has long considered Dallas to be in the East. Also, Dallas is in the Central Time Zone, so it is natural for the Mavs to be part of the Central Division. Likewise, the Southwest Division is a good fit for Milwaukee, which is in southern Wisconsin and west of Lake Michigan.


With the move to the East, Dallas immediately becomes an overwhelming favorite to reach the finals. The Heat may struggle just to make the playoffs, the Pistons are less fearsome than a year ago, and the Wizards have not figured out how to clone Gilbert Arenas. Participating in the Eastern Conference playoffs will also make life more convenient for Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Each week during the postseason, he can stop by the NBA office in New York to pay his fines in person.


Despite moving to the tougher conference, Milwaukee also stands to benefit. The Bucks will immediately exit last place, since their new division includes the Memphis Grizzlies. They will also be reminded of the glory days of the franchise, as the Bucks were members of the Western Conference when they won the 1971 NBA championship and appeared in the finals three years later. On a related note, management is hoping to add the services of Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in his prime.


Coincidentally, the Bucks’ move to the East in 1980 was brought about by the Mavericks’ entry into the league. Since then, Milwaukee has been a haven for teams who switch conferences. The Brewers went from the American League to the National League in 1998. Marquette shifted from Conference USA to the Big East in 2005. And Richie Cunningham’s Jefferson High School basketball squad is now competing in the Arkansas state playoffs.


While the Super Bowl will still dominate the sports media this week, Stern’s announcement managed to bring major headlines for the NBA. That momentum should continue through the February 18 All-Star Game, as Dirk Nowitzki suits up for the Eastern Conference. The buzz was particularly noticeable in the two cities involved. The switch represents the most high-profile Dallas-Milwaukee swap since J.R. Ewing dealt his brother Bobby for Lenny, Squiggy, and a Big Ragu to be named later.


We will have to wait a few months before we know whether the move pays off in the NBA finals. In the meantime, one Dallas player provided a great omen of his team’s title chances in last night’s 122-102 rout of the Seattle Sonics. Austin Croshere connected seven times from beyond the arc en route to a career-high 34 points. He seemed to have learned something from Tony Romo. If you hope to bring a championship to Dallas, you need to nail your three-pointers against Seattle.

Federer & Other Rogers

Sunday in Melbourne, Roger Federer won his third Australian Open with a straight-set victory over Chile’s Fernando Gonzalez. The superstar from Switzerland now has ten Grand Slam singles titles and is intent on capturing the elusive French Open in June. Clearly, Roger has no peer in men’s tennis. But how does Federer compare to other famous Rogers? Let’s take a look.


Roger Bannister: Broke the four-minute mile
Roger Federer: Breaks opponents within four minutes

Roger Clemens: Consistently triumphed around Andy Pettitte
Roger Federer: Consistently triumphs around Andy Roddick

Roger Corman: Directs gory movies
Roger Federer: Looks like Quentin Tarantino

Roger Craig: Won three titles with the 49ers
Roger Federer: Needs three singles titles to reach 49

Roger Daltrey: Head of a band in which he plays with Pete Townshend
Roger Federer: Wears a headband and plays like Pete Sampras

Roger Federer: Has a punishing forehand
Roger Ebert: Has a punishing thumb

Roger Federer: Last loss was in August at the Cincinnati Masters
Roger Goodell: NFL commissioner often gets disturbing news from Cincinnati

Jolly Roger: Skull and crossbones flag, representing swashbucklers
Roger Federer: Nike client, representing swoosh bucks

Roger Maris: Hit grand slams in New York
Roger Federer: Has won three Grand Slams in New York

Roger Miller: Sang “King of the Road”
Roger Federer: Is king of the hard surface

Roger Moore: Played 007
Roger Federer: Aussie Open foes were 0-for-7

Roger Federer: Possesses great stamina
Roger Murdock: Kareem’s Airplane! character was a co-pilot AND dragged Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes

Roger Federer: Drove opponents crazy in Melbourne, Australia
Roger Murtaugh: Danny Glover’s Lethal Weapon character was driven crazy by a Mel from Australia

Roger Penske: Owns #2 car in NASCAR, run by Brian France
Roger Federer: Settled for #2 last year in France

Roger Federer: Is even better than John McEnroe
Roger Rabbit: Like McEnroe, was an animated star in the 80s

Roger Staubach: Quarterbacked America’s Team
Roger Federer: Makes American players scream

Roger Federer: Has won four straight titles on Wimbledon’s grass surface
Roger Waters: Pink Floyd leader always sounds best when on grass

A By-The-Roman Numerals Guide To Super Bowl XLI

This sports weekend is the relative calm before next week’s storm in Miami. Football fans are bursting with anticipation for the Super Bowl XLI showdown between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears on February IV. In the spirit of the big event, here’s a by-the-Roman numerals guide to the teams.


I Player from a losing team to be named Super Bowl MVP (Chuck Howley). Since he was a linebacker who lost to the Colts in Miami, Indy hopes Brian Urlacher wins it this time.

II Emmy Awards won by Brian’s Song. Only Brett Favre has made more Bears fans cry.

III Texas Class B state championships won by Bears coach Lovie Smith as a player for Big Sandy High School. Coincidentally, “Big Sandy” is Shaquille O’Neal’s beach volleyball nickname.

IV Jersey number worn by quarterback Jim Harbaugh for both franchises. As the new Stanford coach, it’s also how many touchdowns his opponents will score in an average quarter.

V Game of the MCMLXXXI NLCS in which Rick Monday hit a pennant-winning home run for the Dodgers. With a touchdown in the AFC championship game, Indy’s Jeff Saturday became the second day of the week to be a playoff hero.

VI Return touchdowns this season for Bears rookie Devin Hester. He’s the fastest thing in Chicago since the car chases in The Blues Brothers.

VII Games played in the MCMXCVIII NBA Eastern Conference finals - another high-profile Chicago-Indianapolis matchup. But this time, Indy seems to have the Air advantage.

VIII Consecutive seasons in which Indy’s Marvin Harrison has caught at least X touchdown passes. Among Marvins, only Gaye has done more scoring.

IX Danica Patrick’s standing in last year’s IRL IndyCar Series. Like Peyton Manning, she gets tons of endorsements and draws huge crowds in Indy, but still hasn’t won a title.

X Bears who performed “The Super Bowl Shuffle” in MCMLXXXV. Fortunately, these days you never see rappers who want to hurt people.

XI Seasons Mike Ditka spent as the Bears’ head coach. Like another Iron Mike, he won a title in MCMLXXXVI. But he preferred chewing out quarterbacks to chewing on opponents’ ears.

XII Seasons in which Baltimore lacked an NFL franchise between the Colts’ departure and Ravens’ arrival. Detroit is catching up to that number.

XIII NBA seasons in Larry Bird’s playing career. Like Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, he nailed lots of III-pointers in New England before heading to Indianapolis.

XIV Points scored by the Bears in the last V minutes of a miracle victory over Arizona. Soon, Dennis Green was what we thought he would be: unemployed.

XV Victories for each Super Bowl team this season, including the playoffs. With St. Louis winning the World Series, the Midwest has been the region of champions lately. Well, not so fast, Buckeyes.

XVI Victory margin for Florida in last year’s NCAA basketball championship game. Since Florida captured a title in Indianapolis, Indianapolis feels entitled to win one in Florida.

XVII Point spread favoring the Colts in Super Bowl III. Also the number of women in Joe Namath’s bed after the game.

XVIII Deficit overcome by the Colts in the AFC championship game. Afterwards, New England coach Bill Belichick was at a loss for words, as he is after every game.

XIX Jersey number of Colts legend Johnny Unitas, who threw a touchdown in a record XLVII consecutive games. Back then, only JFK made more passes.

XX Interceptions thrown by Bears QB Rex Grossman in the regular season. Since he had so many giveaways in Chicago, teammates started calling him Oprah.

XXI Points scored by the Colts in a MMI loss to San Francisco – an otherwise forgettable game worshipped by SportsCenter. Because it brought us Jim Mora’s “PLAYOFFS????”

XXII Career interceptions for Bears legend Dick Butkus, who probably sent someone to the hospital as I was typing this sentence.

XXIII Points for the Colts in the classic MCMLVIII NFL championship victory over the New York Giants, coached by Jim Lee Howell. Immediately after the game, an angry Giants fan launched firejimleehowell.com.

XXIV Categories in which Oscars were awarded for MMII. The Bears will draw inspiration from that event, since Chicago was the big winner.

XXV Record Super Bowl ring size for William “The Refrigerator” Perry. The Fridge plans to loan the ring to Bears kicker Robbie Gould, who will wear it as a helmet.

XXVI Combined points for the Bears in losses to Miami and New England – their only defeats until a meaningless season-ender to Green Bay. They’re still hoping to somehow avoid the AFC at the Super Bowl.

XXVII Career sacks for Alex Brown of the Bears. He hopes to do something considered impossible in Cleveland: a Brown winning a Super Bowl.

XXVIII Jersey number of Indy’s Marlin Jackson, who made the game-clinching interception against New England. He could be the first Marlin to win a title in Miami and not be traded for prospects.

XXIX Years since Affirmed won horse racing’s last triple crown. The ensuing period is familiar to Indy fans: a bunch of Colts falling just short of glory.

XXX Draft position in last year’s Ist round for standout Colts running back Joseph Addai. Three guys from NC State went before him. No, I don’t get it, either.

XXXI Touchdown passes for Peyton Manning during the regular season. He loves to be in the shotgun, unless Chicago’s Tank Johnson points one at him.

XXXII NFL teams to be defeated by Indy’s Tony Dungy – the first head coach to beat every team in the league. Surprisingly, the second was Tony D’Amato - Al Pacino’s character in Any Given Sunday.

XXXIII Age at which Chicago’s Gale Sayers became the youngest inductee into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s so sad to be a has-been at such an early age.

XXXIV Jersey number of Bears legend Walter Payton. If Sweetness were alive today, he’d be dominating on Dancing With the Stars.

XXXV Yardage of late field goal that sealed Indy’s XV – VI playoff victory over the Ravens. To add insult to injury for Baltimore fans, the Colts left the stadium in Mayflower moving trucks.

XXXVI Victory margin for the Bears in Super Bowl XX. Patriots QB Tony Eason still screams Richard Dent’s name in his sleep.

XXXVII Jersey number of Bears fullback Jason McKie. He keeps teammates in stitches by telling them he played football at Temple.

XXXVIII Age of Colts receiver Ricky Proehl, the oldest player on either roster. For nostalgia’s sake, he plans to wear his old leather helmet on Super Sunday.

XXXIX Points for the Bears in the NFC Championship victory over New Orleans. One more score, and the Saints would have become the Martyrs.

XL Seasons in which George Halas was the Bears’ head coach. He lasted that long because he never had to coach T.O.

XLI Points for the Colts in the teams’ last meeting, a XLI - X rout in MMIV. Edgerrin James had CCIV yards rushing, but he’ll be less of a force this time.

An Oscars Primer for Sports Fans

This morning in Beverly Hills, the nominations for the 79th annual Academy Awards were announced. Particular attention will be placed on the high-profile categories of Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, and Supporting Actress. Remarkably, every film nominated in those six categories contains a sports-related theme. A primer on each of these nominees is included as follows.


Babel: A biopic of former journeyman NFL quarterback Babe Laufenberg, i.e. “Babe L.”

Blood Diamond: George Steinbrenner stuns fans by announcing that the new Yankee Stadium will be named after former heavyweight boxer Mitch “Blood” Green.

The Departed: Terrell Owens (“The Player”) makes reference to Bill Parcells.

The Devil Wears Prada: New Jersey goaltender Martin Brodeur replaces his old skates with a fashionable pair of shoes.

Dreamgirls: Formerly known as the Sooners, the Oklahoma women’s basketball team gets a new nickname due to the presence of Hakeem’s daughter Abi Olajuwon.

Half Nelson: Always unconventional, Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson announces that he will only coach the second half of games.

The Last King Of Scotland: Mired in last place, the desperate Los Angeles Kings sign Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons.

Letters From Iwo Jima: In the sequel to Hoosiers, Jimmy Chitwood transfers to Iwo Jima High and letters for the basketball team.

Little Children: Plagued by injuries, the Los Angeles Dodgers call up three 12-year-olds to play for manager Grady Little.

Little Miss Sunshine: A recap of the past three football seasons for the Mississippi Rebels, in which Ole Miss has had little sunshine.

Notes On A Scandal: The diary of Barry Bonds is found and made public.

The Pursuit Of Happyness: College football programs feverishly recruit blue-chip quarterback Happy Ness.

The Queen: Continuing to mine the in-state talent pool, Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano signs New Jersey native Queen Latifah.

United 93: Manchester announces its victory total after playing David Beckham’s Los Angeles Galaxy 93 times.

Venus: Peter O’Toole gives an uncanny performance as Venus Williams. He’ll play Serena in the sequel.

Volver: Needing a new assistant, Tennessee legend Pat Summitt hires Norm Peterson’s wife Vera, who becomes known as “Vol Vera.”


On February 25, we’ll find out who the Oscar award winners will be. They’ll have much in common with the sports world’s Robertson and de la Hoya, who are award-winning Oscars.

Conference Championship Winners, Besides the Colts & Bears

The matchup for Super Bowl XLI is set, as the Indianapolis Colts will take on the Chicago Bears. Sunday was widely noted as a landmark day for Peyton Manning and African-American coaches. Beyond the rosters of the two victorious teams, here are some other winners from the NFL conference championships.


1985 New England Patriots: With a Bears-Patriots matchup narrowly avoided, they won’t get quite as many gruesome reminders of the Super Bowl XX beatdown.

Babe Ruth: The Bambino’s spirit lives on in Adam Vinatieri: a future Hall of Famer who won three titles in New England, then torments Bostonians by helping a rival team reach new heights.

Barack Obama: Victories by Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy prove that African-American leaders in the Midwest can get the job done.

Cleveland Browns Fans: Now Baltimore has to watch a Super Bowl featuring the formerly beloved franchise that skipped town.

Dan Fouts/Warren Moon: With Manning getting past the Patriots, the “greatest quarterback not to reach the Super Bowl” competition has thinned.

FEMA: With the Saints gone, the agency won’t get two weeks of fresh reminders of how much they fouled up in New Orleans.

Hallmark: Having a guy named Lovie in the spotlight in February will provide constant reminders of Valentine’s Day.

Houston Texans: They were the last team to beat Indy. So for the first time, the NFC champ hopes to be like the Texans.

Jim O’Brien: We’ll hear all about the former Baltimore kicker, who made the game-winner in the Colts’ last Super Bowl. No, not the guy who coached hoops at Ohio State, or the other one who coached the Sixers and Celtics, or the Philly weatherman who died while skydiving, or… okay, just forget it.

Non-Sports Fans: Super Bowl parties always include guests who know nothing about the teams but love to watch the commercials. With Peyton in the game, at least they’ll recognize one player.

Saturday Night Live: A new Da Bears sketch just has to be on the way. To keep up with the times, the Superfans will converse with each other in an online chat.

SEC Quarterbacks: Tennessee’s Peyton Manning and Florida’s Rex Grossman defeated Tom Brady and Drew Brees from Big Ten schools. Looks like Chris Leak started a trend.

Stephen Colbert Haters: It was a rough day for the Colbert Report host, who denounces Bears while celebrating Saints and Patriots. Expect the Colts to be on notice.

Sweetness: No offense to Sean Payton, but it would have disrespected Walter’s memory for a Payton to keep the Bears out of the Super Bowl.

Terrell Owens: A big day by Dallas Clark helped Indy to advance. So the critics were wrong when they said, “As long as T.O. is with the Cowboys, Dallas won’t reach the Super Bowl.”

Bilas To Receive Police Protection In Chapel Hill

This Saturday, ESPN’s College GameDay crew will be in Chapel Hill for the North Carolina – Georgia Tech matchup. Hordes of Carolina blue-clad fans will be seen behind Rece Davis and company during their analyses. Some other men in blue will also be on hand in the Dean Smith Center. Analyst Jay Bilas will receive police protection during his visit to Chapel Hill.


As documented in a GameDay commercial, Bilas was the target of constant harassment during his last trip to UNC. A cafeteria worker flatly refused to serve him chocolate pudding. The employee, a huge Pink Floyd fan, later remarked, “If you played for Coach K, you can’t have any pudding!!! How can you have any pudding if you played for Coach K???” The former Duke hoopster was also abused while trying to eat his meal, being hit by backpacks and having his chair rammed repeatedly. Reportedly, each time a UNC student made contact with Bilas, Shane Battier instinctively flopped to the ground in Houston.


Those were just the attacks that were captured on camera. Bilas suffered numerous other indignities around Chapel Hill. While he tried to enjoy a beer at He’s Not Here, customers around Bilas dumped blue cups of Natural Light on his head. On campus, one man repeatedly screamed at him that he was going to hell. However, that was just the infamous Pit Preacher, who said the same thing to everyone.


Later Bilas was found tied up to UNC’s enduring symbol, the Old Well. A note was attached to him with the words “In Hubert We Trust.” He told authorities that he hadn’t been tortured like that since the last time he watched a Duke football game. Reached for comment, GameDay analyst and former Tar Heel guard Hubert Davis remarked with a grin, “I don’t know how that happened to Duke Boy.” Asked for his thoughts on the incidents, ESPN commentator Dick Vitale responded, “Duke Duke Duke Coach K Cameron Crazies, Baby!!!!!!” He gave the same response later when asked about the Iraq war.


Bilas joined former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps as a GameDay analyst to be targeted by overzealous fans. In February 2005, the crew was in Syracuse for a Big East showdown between the Orange and the Fighting Irish. Someone broke into Digger’s hotel room, stealing all his highlighters and replacing them with highlighters that did not match his ties. The culprit also covered the room with photos of Danny Ainge in a BYU uniform. The primary suspect wears glasses and has a receding hairline, and he has reportedly been seen roaming the sidelines at the Carrier Dome.


To make Saturday’s trip to Chapel Hill less eventful, ESPN decided that an extra police presence would be needed. The officers assigned to protect Bilas were carefully selected and are considered sympathetic to him in the hostile environment. Officer Redick is considered the top marksman on the force, although some claim that his shooting is wildly off-target in crucial situations. He will be accompanied by Officer Wojo, who responds to threatening situations by emphatically slapping the floor.


As for the game, the fourth-ranked Tar Heels enter the contest with the Yellow Jackets after a 77-55 rout over Clemson. The home loss was a major disappointment for the 16th-ranked Tigers. But at least Clemson, 0-52 lifetime at UNC, was spared a trip to Chapel Hill this season. Jay Bilas was not so lucky.

Virginia Tech Adds Charlotte Bobcats To Schedule

Monday was a landmark day for the Virginia Tech basketball program, as the Hokies entered the Top 25 for the first time in over a decade. Today, coach Seth Greenberg announced that his team will take another step up in class. The Hokies have agreed to a February 6 matchup with the NBA’s Charlotte Bobcats.


The extra game is part of the program’s effort to add more teams from North Carolina to the schedule. Virginia Tech is 6-0 against schools from the Tar Heel State after Saturday’s 94-88 victory over then-#1 North Carolina. Zabian Dowdell scored 23 in making sure that the Tar Heels’ stay atop the polls would only last one week. Some considered the upset inevitable, as the college sports gods seem to want Florida to be on top of everything these days. As further proof of that, David Beckham has reneged on his agreement with the Los Angeles Galaxy to suit up for the Gator soccer team.


The Hokies were far more popular in Chapel Hill a week earlier, when they knocked off then-#5 Duke 69-67 at Cameron Indoor Stadium. The game plan worked to perfection, as the Virginia Tech guards consistently got open to receive passes from Duke’s Greg Paulus. The other victim in Tech’s 3-0 ACC start was Wake Forest, to go with non-conference wins over Appalachian State, Campbell, and UNC-Greensboro. The Hokies still face a return showdown at UNC, plus two matchups with NC State. In the meantime, North Carolina governor Mike Easley has already labeled Greenberg as an enemy of the state.


Virginia Tech’s perfection against the North Carolina schools continues a less-surprising pattern established in the fall by the football team. Frank Beamer’s squad was 3-0 against the state, highlighted by a 27-6 blowout of ACC champion Wake Forest. The Hokies routed UNC and Duke by a combined 71-10. According to Beamer, the key to those victories was “scheduling UNC and Duke in football.”


While the basketball team is proud of its upsets of Carolina and Duke, it has been maddeningly inconsistent against programs from outside NC. Most puzzling were losses to Western Michigan and Marshall. However, the Thanksgiving defeat to WMU was understandable upon further reflection. Hokies are turkey-like birds, so the players were likely distracted by the fear of being roasted and eaten by dysfunctional families. The loss to the Thundering Herd resulted because it came a week after the release of We Are Marshall. The inspirational tale tanked at the box office, so Greenberg wanted to do what he could to lift the spirits of Huntington, West Virginia.


The February 6 contest at Charlotte Bobcats Arena was added after a review of both teams’ schedules. Virginia Tech had a week off between a February 3 visit to Boston College and a February 10 home matchup with Virginia. The Bobcats face a game in Miami on the 5th and may be weary after taking on Dwyane Wade and the defending champs. However, they can fully rest on the 7th, as they play Philadelphia.


The Bobcats were eager to face the Hokies because its players have experienced great success against college competition. At 12-24, Charlotte is currently last in the Southeast Division. However, five current Bobcats (Raymond Felton, Sean May, Emeka Okafor, Jake Voskuhl, and Derek Anderson) won NCAA championships. Even a great college team can’t compare to the rigorous competition of the NBA, so those players are heavily favored to experience that winning feeling on February 6. However, the Hokies do have one major reason for optimism. The last time Adam Morrison played against college guys, he ended the game in tears.


In the meantime, next on Virginia Tech’s schedule is Wednesday’s trip to Florida State. In preparation, Greenberg has devised a brilliant strategy for his team. He’s convinced them that Tallahassee is a suburb of Raleigh.

The Number 15: Lucky For Colts, Unlucky For Eagles

The number 15 is quite prominent in the world of football. It’s how many minutes are in a quarter, as well as the number of yards a team is penalized for a personal foul. In Saturday’s NFL playoff action, the number 15 was significant in many other ways. It brought victory to the Indianapolis Colts and elimination for the Philadelphia Eagles.


Most significantly for the Colts, 15 was the number of points they scored in a 15-6 win over the Baltimore Ravens. All those points came thanks to the leg of Adam Vinatieri, whose five field goals gave him a total of eight in Indy’s two playoff victories. Only Reggie Miller has nailed more post-season three-pointers for an Indianapolis team. Coincidentally, Vinatieri celebrated each of his kicks by talking trash to Spike Lee.


The Indianapolis offense had 15 first downs for the game. That’s two more than the Ravens managed against the much-maligned Colts’ defense (NOTE: All writers are required to refer to the Colts’ defense as “much-maligned”). The return of safety Bob Sanders has been instrumental in the unit’s sudden improvement. He has a history of bringing power to a previously woeful group, having also been responsible for giving the Democrats control of Congress.


While Vinatieri and the defense carried the day, quarterback Peyton Manning was well below his standards with 15 completions. However, Peyton will take the result as the Colts earned a rare road playoff victory and moved within one game of their first Super Bowl appearance since moving to Indy. If the Colts win next week and advance to the big game, Manning will finally get a shot at some endorsement opportunities.


15 was enough for one quarterback, but Jeff Garcia’s 15 completions could not extend Philadelphia’s season. The Eagles fell 27-24 to the sentimental favorite New Orleans Saints. Garcia filled in admirably after Donovan McNabb’s season-ending injury in November. Including last weekend’s elimination of the New York Giants, Garcia had won six starts in a row. The run amazed golf fans, who did not believe that a Garcia could win on Sundays. The QB also provided inspiration to the 76ers and Flyers, who these days can only dream of winning six games in a six-week period.


Ultimately, Garcia’s team was doomed by allowing 15 rushing first downs to the Saints. Deuce McAllister ran for 143 yards and a touchdown. He also scored what turned out to be the winning touchdown on an 11-yard reception late in the third quarter. In leading the victory, McAllister gave the greatest running performance by a Saint since John the Baptist broke the four-minute mile.


The number 15 also hurt the Eagles in two punting situations. Late in the first half, Philly had a clear path to a blocked punt, when Saints punter Steve Weatherford stepped aside and ran 15 yards for a first down. More crucially, the Eagles chose to punt on 4th-and-15 with under two minutes remaining in the game and never regained possession. Coach Andy Reid’s decision not to go for it is sure to face widespread second-guessing. Fortunately, he coaches in Philly, where the always-upbeat media will focus on his five division titles and reassure him, “Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all, Andy. We still think you’re swell!”


Indeed, 15 was an unlucky number for the Eagles in the Louisiana Superdome. On one previous occasion, the franchise had experienced a bitter playoff loss in that venue. It was a 27-10 defeat to the Oakland Raiders - in Super Bowl XV.

The British Invasion: 2007 Sports Edition

Yesterday it was announced that British soccer icon David Beckham has agreed to terms to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy in Major League Soccer. It remains to be seen whether the husband of Posh Spice will make the world’s most popular sport more trendy in the United States. But the arrival of “Becks” does suggest that other British celebrities could make a positive impact on the American sports scene. Here are just a few other Brits, and the positions where they could have a major effect on U.S. sports.


Julie Andrews: San Francisco Giants Outfielder. As Barry Bonds’s teammate, she can go from Mary Poppins to pill-popping.

Christian Bale: Tampa Bay Devil Rays Designated Hitter. No team is more in need of a Bat Man.

Tony Blair: Monday Night Football commentator. Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann are used to working with a heavily-criticized Tony.

David Bowie: Chairman, NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Committee. He can officially tell us, “Let’s Dance.”

Richard Branson: Oakland Raiders Offensive Coordinator. He presides over the Virgin empire, so he can lead a bunch of guys who can’t score.

John Cleese: U.S. Ryder Cup Captain. In defeat, the Monty Python staple can help another Monty.

Sean Connery: Denver Broncos Quarterback. No one can fill John Elway’s shoes as #7, except for the ultimate 007.

Judi Dench: Notre Dame Quarterback. After Brady Quinn leaves, an award-winner from Notre Dame is replaced by an award-winning Dame.

Craig Ferguson: University of Hawaii Football Coach. With the Warriors’ high-powered offense, he can continue to entertain late-night viewers.

Ricky Gervais: New York Yankees Owner. David Brent replaces an even more obnoxious Boss.

Hugh Grant: Orlando Magic Forward. The star of Notting Hill can step in for a rotting Hill.

Elton John: Houston Rockets Center. With Yao Ming out of commission for a while, Houston needs another Rocket Man.

Keira Knightley: Pittsburgh Pirates Manager. She’s used to bringing glamour to a misfit group of Pirates.

Hugh Laurie: Chicago Bears Quarterback. The House star always seems to make the right decision, unlike Rex Grossman. And the Bears offensive line could yell, “We must protect this House!”

Jude Law: Baltimore Ravens Cornerback. Any team that faces Peyton Manning should have a defensive back named Law.

Ewan McGregor: Los Angeles Lakers Coach. This franchise thrived on Star Wars.

Paul McCartney: Philadelphia 76ers Forward. They just got rid of Chris Webber, the leader of the Fab 5. So the Fab 4 leader is next.

Ian McKellen: University of Cincinnati Basketball Coach. The Bearcats are bitter rivals with Xavier, so they could use Magneto as they take on the X-Men.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chicago Cubs Manager. To win a World Series in Chicago, you need an incoherent manager named Ozzy.

Clive Owen: Atlanta Braves Pitcher. With star closers hard to find, the bullpen-deficient Braves grab the star of Closer.

Queen Elizabeth II: Sacramento Kings Forward. Shaquille O’Neal referred to them as the “Queens.” Wouldn’t you love to see her around Ron Artest?

Daniel Radcliffe: St. Louis Cardinals Shortstop. Radcliffe plays Harry Potter, and St. Louis fans love seeing a Wizard at shortstop.

Ridley Scott: Chicago Black Hawks Coach. Scott directed Black Hawk Down, so he can lead some Black Hawks who have been down for years.

Patrick Stewart: Detroit Red Wings Center. Having lost “The Captain” (Steve Yzerman) to retirement, Detroit turns to Captain Picard.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: New York Mets Utility Player. She’s used to being around a much older man, so she’ll have no problem being in a dugout with Julio Franco.

Ohio State To Stop Playing Sports Versus Florida

Monday night in Arizona, Florida routed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS national championship game. With the Buckeyes having been #1 all season, the result was stunning to most college football observers. However, the lopsided affair continued a pattern of futility for Ohio State athletics against the Gators. Therefore, OSU director of athletics Gene Smith has announced that the school’s teams will no longer compete against the University of Florida.


Many prognosticators expected the Buckeyes to dominate the Gators for 60 minutes on Monday. Instead, they dominated for 16 seconds. Ted Ginn, Jr. returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and then supposedly left the game with an injury. Actually, Ginn was simply following the philosophy of George Costanza – always leave on a high note. Quarterback Troy Smith was definitely left wanting more – more protection, more yardage, more completions, etc. Known for his stellar play in big games, the Heisman winner played more like Anna Nicole Smith with just four completions for 35 yards. Coach Jim Tressel desperately tried to jump-start the offense, but he could not find a hypnotist to convince Smith that he was playing against Michigan.


Lining up with Florida proved to be far more problematic than the Wolverines. Ohio State had feasted against bowl competition in Arizona, defeating Miami, Kansas State, and Notre Dame over the past four seasons. Of course, that assumes the phrase “bowl competition” can still be used for the Fighting Irish. The Buckeye football program has struggled against the entire SEC, with a 0-8 record against the conference in bowl games. The SEC is looking particularly strong now, as Florida’s Urban Meyer is the conference’s fourth active national championship head coach. He joins Steve Spurrier, Phillip Fullmer, and Nick Saban, unless Saban bolts for another job before I finish this article.


Last night was Ohio State’s second athletic debacle against UF in the past month. The basketball team experienced similar futility on December 23. With the injured Greg Oden back on the court, the third-ranked Buckeyes were confident as they headed to Gainesville to take on another group of national champion Gators. Florida responded with an 86-60 trouncing, as Oden struggled with foul trouble and was outplayed by Al Horford. Taurean Green led a 33-9 second half run that put the Gators in cruise control. Florida coach Billy Donovan spent the last ten minutes drinking egg nog and singing Christmas carols to his assistants.


Perhaps the Buckeyes had foresight of such a result last March. Second-seeded OSU fell to Georgetown 70-52 in the second round of the NCAA tournament. If Thad Matta’s crew had won that contest, Florida would have awaited in the Sweet 16. Most recaps claimed that the Hoyas’ stifling defense had ended the Buckeyes’ season. However, with the specter of the Gators looming, the real culprit was probably herpetophobia – fear of reptiles.


For good measure, last February the UF baseball team trounced Ohio State 10-3. Reflecting on the pattern of blowout losses to the Gators, Gene Smith decided that he’d had enough and put the no-Florida policy into effect. “That school has brought our athletic program nothing but pain recently, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said the AD. “We’d probably lose to them in women’s hockey – we’re ninth in the country and they don’t even have a team,” he continued. “Seriously, they’d just put a few sorority girls on the ice, and they’d be smacking slapshots into our goal!”


The OSU men’s golf team will still honor its prior commitment to participate in the Gator Invitational in Gainesville next month. The program of Jack Nicklaus is bound to be a bunch of hackers that weekend, but Gene Smith does see a silver lining. He noted, “Sure, being in Gainesville will have our guys shooting way over par. But that means they’ll be tearing up their course and leaving divots all over the place!” The comment brought a fit of laughter, which soon deteriorated into weeping.


Otherwise, the faithful in Columbus will no longer have to worry about the Gators. After last night’s dominance by Chris Leak and his mates, the debate over whether Florida belonged in the BCS championship game seems like a distant memory. Last month, Michigan insisted that they should have gotten that berth. Today, for once, the Buckeyes agree with their arch-rivals.

Lost Weekend For Jets & Giants Coaches - Past & Present

On Sunday, for just the second time in NFL history, the New York Jets and New York Giants competed in playoff games on the same day. The results were not pretty, as both teams went down to defeat. Former leaders of those teams experienced similar disappointments on Saturday. If you’ve ever been the head coach of the Jets or the Giants, this wild card weekend was brutal.


The Jets fell 37-16 against the New England Patriots, as coach Eric Mangini lost to his mentor, Bill Belichick. Mangini has been labeled as “Mangenius” for leading a team with low expectations into the postseason. However, if he were really a genius, he would have found a way to move the game out of Foxboro and get Tom Brady on his side. Besides, being a genius doesn’t necessarily help in the NFL, as shown by Stephen Hawking’s disastrous season as coach of the Cleveland Browns. Belichick imparted another lesson to his pupil – the sort of “lesson” an angry nun delivers with a stick.


Unlike Mangini, Giants coach Tom Coughlin has been anything but a media darling in New York. His job status is in serious jeopardy after a 23-20 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. David Akers won the game with a 38-yard field goal on the final play. Coughlin argued, to no avail, that the kick should not have counted because it was not at least five minutes early. One Giant who will definitely leave is Tiki Barber, who rushed for 137 yards in his final game. Upon his retirement, many Eagles wished him well and told him that brother Ronde would also look great in a TV studio. No twins have caused more havoc in Philly, except when the Bush daughters spent a Saturday night on South Street.


Saturday was a day for the former Jets and Giants coaches to suffer. A year after departing the Jets, Kansas City Chiefs coach Herman Edwards watched his season end with a 23-8 defeat to the Indianapolis Colts and good friend Tony Dungy. The game featured the first-ever use of the sentence: “Peyton Manning was bailed out by the Colts’ defense.” Indy was given little chance to stop Chief running stud Larry Johnson, but Kansas City only managed 126 total net yards. Edwards is known for uttering, “You play to win the game!” Saturday he was heard pleading, “You pray to move the chains!”


The Dallas Cowboys had the odds doubly stacked against them Saturday night, since coach Bill Parcells had previously guided both the Jets and the Giants. Therefore, it’s not surprising that the Cowboys’ 21-20 loss to the Seattle Seahawks was particularly gut-wrenching. What is shocking is that a Dallas player other than Terrell Owens has been besieged by ridicule. Quarterback Tony Romo will never forget his botched hold on the go-ahead chip shot field goal attempt. On the bright side, the experience of dropping the ball should help him to relate to his receivers. It should also be noted that Drew Bledsoe would not have been nearly so mobile after bungling the winning field goal.


The weekend was even harsh for former Jets and Giants coaches who weren’t on the sidelines. The Baltimore Ravens had a bye, reminding Jim Fassel that they were much better off after firing him as offensive coordinator. Also, Ray Handley and Rich Kotite encountered many unruly customers while working as Wal-Mart greeters.


The bad luck only seemed to apply to those who coached the Jets or Giants in games. Therefore, although Belichick was technically the Jets’ head coach for one day in the 2000 off-season, he was immune. Lucky for him, his one day in charge of the Jets wasn’t this weekend.

Cowher's Replacement: Some Not-So-Obvious Choices

Friday represented the end of an era for the Pittsburgh Steelers, as Bill Cowher resigned after 15 seasons as head coach. Much of the early speculation about his successor has centered on Pittsburgh assistants Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm. However, many other less obvious candidates would make sense for the Steelers. Here is a rundown.


Peter Angelos: As the Orioles’ owner, he knows how to keep a Baltimore team from winning.

Bobby Bowden: Cowher was preceded by a Noll, so why not succeed him with a Nole?

Larry Brown: He’s already coached a Big Ben to a championship.

Al Bundy: He loves to relive his football glory days, and there’s no chance that he’ll quit to spend more time with his family.

Kim Cattrall: She encourages men to get physical, and she’s worked with a star named Parker.

Bill Clinton: He’s another “Bill C” who was chosen for a high-profile job in 1992.

Simon Cowell: The Terrible Towel would fit in well with the Unbearable Cowell.

Leonardo DiCaprio: As Cowher did as an assistant for Marty Schottenheimer, Leo often works with a Marty who seeks an elusive trophy.

John Edwards: Like Cowher, he’s an NC State alumnus who knows that winning in Ohio is crucial.

Jeff Fisher: You can never have enough references to The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh.

Mario Lemieux: He’s brought championships to Pittsburgh, and he’s all about being Super.

Craig T. Nelson: After coaching high school football in the 80s (All the Right Moves) and college football in the 90s (Coach), he’s due for an NFL job.

Conan O’Brien: He’s already planning to take over for a guy called “The Chin” – why wait until 2009?

Nick Saban: He’s been at Alabama for a few days now, so he’s ready to move on.

Martha Stewart: As a home decorating guru, she could do wonders with a Steel Curtain.

Lynn Swann: He’s available after losing the Pennsylvania governor election. In western PA, this job is far more important anyway.

Jim Tressel: Just as Cowher thrived with The Bus, Tressel does his best work around a Carr.

Mike Vanderjagt: He‘s proven that he can help the Steelers win in the playoffs.

Mike Wallace: 60 Minutes gave him experience in working with an old-timer named Rooney.

Charlie Weis: He’s won in Heinz Field with the Patriots and Notre Dame. And he needs to leave the Fighting Irish to have a chance of winning a Bowl.

Some BS About Boise State

After a Breathtaking Stunner on Monday, Boise State is the Biggest Story of the Bowl Season thus far. They don’t have future Hall of Famers like Bart Starr, Bruce Smith, and Barry Sanders. Or a coaching legend like Bo Schembechler. But Chris Petersen has had Boundless Success after Dan Hawkins left to be the Buffaloes’ Savior.


As always, visiting teams had Befuddling Saturdays on the Blue Surface at Bronco Stadium. Belittling Skeptics questioned the supposedly Bogus Schedule, but Boise State put a Beaver Slaughter on Oregon State and withstood Brennan’s Stats against Hawaii. Although undefeated, they had to take a Back Seat to the Buckeye Stalwarts.


They got invited to the Bright Stage in Arizona, but they were clear underdogs versus the school of Barry Switzer, Billy Sims, and Boomer Sooner. Oklahoma had a championship coach in Bob Stoops, plus the Big XII Superiority over the WAC. Unlike horse racing, where Bill Shoemaker won five Belmont Stakes, football isn’t for the little guy.


But underdogs can Bring Surprises. Brewer Starter Ben Sheets beat Cuba in the 2000 Olympics. France knocked off the Brazil Soccer powerhouse at the World Cup. And Vince Vaughn’s team stunned Ben Stiller in Dodgeball. For 58 minutes on Monday, the Beaming Scoreboard favored the Believing Scrappers from Idaho.


Then a Bewitching Sequence suddenly left them Behind Seven. The tying touchdown and two-pointer were Bitter Setbacks, but the go-ahead score, on a Ball Snatched by a defensive back, was an absolute Body Slam. As in the Bedlam Series, Oklahoma appeared to be the Blessed Side.


But Jared Zabransky did not have a Broken Spirit, and he refused to be the remembered as the Blundering Scapegoat. He executed Petersen’s Bold Strategy to perfection, as Oklahoma’s Bamboozled Secondary was fooled by the hook-and-ladder. Like Sunday’s Bengals-Steelers game, this one was headed to overtime.


A Blazing Streak by Adrian Peterson seemed to re-establish OU as the Better, Stronger team. But another trick play Brought Six for the Broncos. Instead of Being Safe, they went for the win. The Beautiful Statue of Liberty play caused a Blissful Scene, as Brilliant Sophomore Ian Johnson ran to victory. Soon he was a Betrothed Superstar, as his Blushing Sweetheart accepted his marriage proposal in front of thousands of Breathless Supporters. Let’s hope they don’t take marital advice from Britney Spears.


Even the makers of Bad Santa had to be uplifted. Bud Selig can only wish that the World Series provided such drama. Perhaps Brees’s Saints can bring similar exhilaration this month. In the meantime, Bruce Springsteen’s “Glory Days” will play on in Idaho.


But that’s all I’ll say about Boise State. By now, you’ve had enough of my BS.

Bobby & Other Knights

With Texas Tech’s 70-68 win over New Mexico, Bobby Knight earned his record-breaking 880th victory to pass Dean Smith on the all-time college basketball list. In honor of the occasion, here is how many other prominent Knights relate to The General.


Christopher Knight: As Peter Brady, he tossed a football that made Marcia’s nose look grotesque. Lucky for her, he didn’t throw a chair.

Wayne Knight: Bobby was teammates with Jerry Lucas on Ohio State’s 1960 national champions. As Newman on Seinfeld, Wayne was also overshadowed by a Jerry.

Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur’s men would admire Bobby for finding the Holy Grail in 1976, 1981, and 1987. But they couldn’t sell him on that “chivalry” concept.

Phil Knight: The former CEO made Nike a hugely popular brand. In Indiana, firing Coach Knight made Myles a hugely unpopular Brand.

Jedi Knight: Like Anakin Skywalker, Bobby often goes to the dark side. But unlike Darth Vader, he got his son to join him.

Ray Knight: Bobby won a title in ’76 thanks to Quinn Buckner. Ray won in ’86 thanks to Bill Buckner.

A Knight’s Tale: Coach Knight has always emphasized strong man-to-man defense. A Knight’s Tale starred Heath Ledger, who did the man-to-man thing in Brokeback Mountain.

Reading Red Knights: Just giving some love to my old high school.

Knights Who Say “Ni”: The Monty Python characters had a habit of uttering nonsense. Bobby coached Isiah Thomas, who never makes sense these days.

Sammy Knight: 116 of Bobby’s victories have come with the Red Raiders. As a Kansas City Chiefs safety, Sammy can thank the Raiders for two wins every year.

Eric Knight: He was a writer who created the character of Lassie. Bobby treats writers like dogs.

Michael Knight: The main character in Knight Rider (besides KITT) was played by David Hasselhoff, whose singing inspires Dirk Nowitzki. So like Coach Knight, he leads hoopsters to victory in Texas.

T.R. Knight: He’s in the cast of Grey’s Anatomy. Like Bobby with his players, the doctors can’t keep their hands off each other.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights: Last Thursday, Bobby failed in his first attempt to pass Dean Smith. That same evening, the Scarlet Knights were crushed in the Dean Smith Center.

Jordan Knight: He was a member of New Kids On The Block, which formed in 1984 and claimed many gold records. Another Jordan/Knight group formed in 1984 and earned gold medals.

The Dark Knight: The next Batman film will once again star Christian Bale. Police in Puerto Rico refer to Bobby as American Psycho.

Suge Knight: Like the Death Row Records mogul, Bobby’s had no shortage of feuds. But he doesn’t shoot his rivals – only his hunting partners.

Ted Knight: He starred in Caddyshack, in which a gopher caused havoc on the golf course. At Indiana, Bobby seldom had problems with the Gophers.

Gladys Knight: She and the Pips are members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, while Coach Knight is in the Basketball Hall of Fame. Inductees to either Hall receive free breadsticks for life at Pizza Hut.

The Knights of Prosperity: The new ABC comedy is about a plan to rob Mick Jagger. Like Bobby, Mick still works in large arenas in his 60s.

Barry Larkin Signs With Giants

The San Francisco Giants made a big splash in the free-agent market yesterday with the signing of former Oakland A's left-hander Barry Zito. Today the Giants added another Barry to join Zito and Barry Bonds. San Francisco has reportedly agreed to terms with former Cincinnati Reds shortstop Barry Larkin.


The signing continues the club's efforts to be the best collection of Barrys in the history of major league baseball. The strategy was apparently inspired by Barry Bonds's chase for Hank Aaron's all-time home run record. On every road trip, the Giants expect to hear endless "Barry Sucks" chants. However, if the team is stocked with Barrys, opposing fans may get confused and forget which Barry they're booing. In that scenario, they would likely stop booing and put down their fake syringes as Bonds bids for history.


The strategy has made life hectic for general manager Barry Sabean, formerly known as Brian. Landing Zito was a huge coup after the loss of ace Jason Schmidt, who had refused to change his name to Barry Schmidt. The club will not go so far as to alter its nickname from the Giants to the Barrys. However, the team's new logo has been unveiled, showing a game of catch between a giant Barry Manilow and a giant Barry Gibb.


The signing of Larkin brings one of the all-time great shortstops out of retirement. The 1995 National League MVP was a 12-time All-Star who won three Gold Gloves. Larkin will turn 43 in April, so many observers felt that he was too young to play for the Giants. He will likely have to change positions, due to the presence of Barry Vizquel in San Francisco.


Official terms of the deal have not been released. Larkin last played in 2004, batting .289 with 8 home runs and 44 RBI in 111 games. Those pedestrian numbers and the layoff surely reduced what he could command in this free-agent market. Preliminary reports indicate that Larkin signed a one-year deal for $22 million.


While the Giants are thrilled with the signing, fans in Cincinnati are far more critical. Larkin has been involved with the Washington Nationals since his retirement, but his entire playing career was with the Reds. He won a World Series title with the Nasty Boys in 1990 and is a Cincinnati native. One fan summed up the city's disappointment: "Barry Larkin is as synonymous with the Cincinnati Reds as mug shots are with the Bengals."


Larkin's return will delay his Baseball Hall of Fame eligibility. Another Hall of Fame welcomed Barry Sanders last year. But as the Detroit Lions know too well, not all Barrys return.

Ohio State Granted NFC Playoff Berth

With one week remaining in the NFL season, two postseason berths are still available in the AFC. However, a surprise decision from the league office means that all the NFC playoff teams have been decided. Commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the Ohio State Buckeyes will be the sixth seed in the NFC.


In explaining the decision, the commissioner cited the unworthiness of the five 7-8 teams who had been in contention for the last NFC slot. The New York Giants were in the best position, despite losing six of their last seven contests. Three weeks ago, the Green Bay Packers were 4-8 after a 38-10 loss at home. The Atlanta Falcons have dropped four consecutive home games - the last of which snapped a four-game losing streak for the Carolina Panthers. Not to be outdone, the St. Louis Rams fell seven times in an eight-game span this season. As Goodell remarked of the 7-8 group, "That's the worst quintet since New Kids On The Block!"


The league decided to reward Ohio State for being far more consistent. Therefore, no one needs to waste time analyzing complex playoff scenarios for undeserving recipients. One NFL insider admitted, "at a certain point, I had no idea what the tie-breakers were. I just figured the team whose website got the most hits would get in."


The development means that the Buckeyes will be taken out of the BCS national championship game. Instead, a month-long debate will be settled as Michigan and Florida actually get to face each other on the field. Wisconsin will take the Wolverines' place in the Rose Bowl, preserving the traditional Big Ten-Pac 10 matchup with USC. The trickle-down effect for Big Ten bowl participants means that either the Insight Bowl or the Champs Sports Bowl will be cancelled. No one is expected to notice.


As the #6 seed, Ohio State will go on the road to take on Philadelphia or Dallas. After dealing with Eagles fans, any future trip to Ann Arbor would be considered a walk in the park. However, storylines would be particularly abundant if the Buckeyes take on the Cowboys. It would be OSU's second high-profile trip to Texas this season, and Dallas wide receiver Terry Glenn could face his old school. Also, if the Ohio State band gets to play at halftime, it would love for Terrell Owens to dot the "i" in Script Ohio. No athlete is more committed to the letter "I."


Participating in the NFL playoffs will pose huge challenges for a team accustomed to college competition. The Buckeyes will not get to play in Arizona, where it has made a habit of winning postseason games. Also, as a precaution, coach Jim Tressel plans to sit Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith at the start of the game. After watching Carson Palmer last year, Tressel became convinced that any Heisman QB making his NFL playoff debut with an Ohio team would get injured during the first series. Most fans do not expect a college team to be competitive against an NFL opponent, but a Carolina Panthers official disagrees. He remarked, "Chris Weinke lost 17 starts in a row for us. Don't you think he'd be more confident in a Florida State uniform?"


Ohio State is definitely a longshot as it enters the NFL playoffs. However, last year the Pittsburgh Steelers won the Super Bowl as a #6 seed. No matter how far the Buckeyes go, they will represent something that many thought was impossible: a college football team in a playoff.

A Quick Look At NFL Week 16

The Green Bay Packers opened the NFL's week 16 Thursday night with a 9-7 victory over the Minnesota Vikings in the latest potential finale for Brett Favre. It is too soon to say how many "final games" will be played by the legendary quarterback, but he is unlikely to threaten Roger Clemens's record. Here's a quick look at the remaining 15 NFL games this week.


SATURDAY:

Kansas City Chiefs @ Oakland Raiders: The Raiders are desperate for offense as an old AFL rival comes to town. So Daryle Lamonica will start at quarterback.

SUNDAY:

Baltimore Ravens @ Pittsburgh Steelers: In honor of the 7-7 Steelers and 6-6 Pitt Panthers, NASCAR will hold the Pittsburgh 500 at Heinz Field. Look for the Steelers to pick up speed down the stretch, and Pitt to run out of gas.

Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons: Panthers quarterback Chris Weinke has lost 17 straight starts. In the off-season, he plans to sign with the Washington Generals.

Chicago Bears @ Detroit Lions: A week after squeaking by 3-11 Tampa Bay, the Bears visit the 2-12 Lions. Next week, they take on Temple.

Indianapolis Colts @ Houston Texans: It's no surprise that the Colts' much-maligned defense rose to the occasion against Cincinnati. Around the Bengals, you often hear, "Will the defense please rise?"

New England Patriots @ Jacksonville Jaguars: Last week, Jacksonville surrendered three defensive touchdowns against Tennessee. The Jags vow that this Sunday, their offense will tackle better.

New Orleans Saints @ New York Giants: The Giants have a losing record at home. So like last year's visit from the Saints, they're calling this one a "road game."

Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Cleveland Browns: The Bucs hope for a rare cold-weather victory as, oh, you don't care...

Tennessee Titans @ Buffalo Bills: The Titans have amazed everyone by winning five straight. Just don't use the word "Miracle" around Bills fans.

Washington Redskins @ St. Louis Rams: If Washington University is in St. Louis, why isn't St. Louis University in Washington?

Arizona Cardinals @ San Francisco 49ers: In high school, Niners QB Alex Smith handed off to Bush (Reggie). Now he does the same to Gore (Frank). Staying with the 2000 election theme, we'll have to wait a month to find out who wins this game.

Cincinnati Bengals @ Denver Broncos: Chad Johnson got to town early to practice his snow angels. Meanwhile, Isiah Thomas has already accused Denver of running up the score.

San Diego Chargers @ Seattle Seahawks: Expect the Chargers' team plane to make multiple landings in Seattle. With LT on board, you can't have just one touchdown.

MONDAY:

Philadelphia Eagles @ Dallas Cowboys: Having lost in the Superdome and the RCA Dome, the Eagles are thankful for the hole in the Texas Stadium roof. Like the Sixers and Flyers, they can't win indoors.

New York Jets @ Miami Dolphins: In last week's victory over Minnesota, Jets QB Chad Pennington passed for a career-high 339 yards. He credited an inspiring pep talk from his old Marshall coach, Matthew McConaughey.

Rocky Balboa & Allen Iverson: A Comparison

A Philadelphia icon returned to action today, as Rocky Balboa opened in theatres across America. Rocky's reappearance came one day after another sports legend, Allen Iverson, said goodbye to the City of Brotherly Love. One is known as AI, while the other had the Eye of the Tiger. Here's a comparison of The Italian Stallion and The Answer.


Rocky: Was focused in the ring with Apollo.
Iverson: Will focus on a ring with Carmelo.

Rocky: Trainer Mickey died of a heart attack.
Iverson: Gives his coaches heart attacks.

Rocky: Took hundreds of shots in a fight.
Iverson: Takes hundreds of shots in a game.

Rocky: Was mates for life with Adrian.
Iverson: Was teammates for 27 games with Adrian Caldwell.

Rocky: Had Cold War battle with Ivan Drago.
Iverson: Had Cold War battle with Larry Brown.

Rocky: For a while, his statue was outside the 76ers' home arena.
Iverson: After December 8, he stayed outside the 76ers' home arena.

Rocky: Immortalized while jumping atop the Art Museum steps.
Iverson: Immortalized while yelling, "We talkin' bout practice!"

Rocky: Fought in six movies, although everyone forgets about Rocky V.
Iverson: Played for six Philly coaches, although everyone forgets about Randy Ayers.

Rocky: Trained by chasing a chicken.
Iverson: Has played with lots of turkeys.

Rocky: Had a great moment, proposing to Adrian in the snow.
Iverson: Had lots of great moments with Eric Snow.

Rocky: Has occasional squabbles with Paulie.
Iverson: Has occasional battles with Paul Pierce and Chris Paul.

Rocky: Likes to punch ribs.
Iverson: New teammates like to punch Knicks.

Rocky: Trained Tommy Gunn.
Iverson: Played with Kenny Thomas, and likes guns.

Rocky: Focus of an Oscar-winning movie.
Iverson: Won MVP, like Oscar Robertson.

Christmas Characters' Sports Counterparts

Athletes have often been compared to Christmas figures, even going back to the story of the Nativity. Mark Messier was The Messiah, and A.C. Green was the Virgin. There have been plenty of wise men – just none affiliated with the Arizona Cardinals.

Today’s athletes also relate to the secular Christmas icons. I made a list and checked it twice. Grab some egg nog and read on…


Santa Claus: Greg Oden. He’s a big man who wears a red uniform and came onto the scene in December.

Rudolph: Kobe Bryant. People say he doesn’t fit in with the others. But he can really light it up.

Dasher: Devin Hester

Dancer: Chad Johnson

Prancer: Terrell Owens

Vixen: Maria Sharapova

Comet: Sheryl Swoopes. Of the Houston Comets.

Cupid: Davis Love III

Donner: Pat Riley. Like Richard Donner, Riley directs Superman – when he’s healthy.

Blitzen: Shawne Merriman

The Grinch: Kenny Rogers. He was a mean one, but in October his heart grew three sizes.

Ebeneezer Scrooge: Alex Rodriguez. He’s rich as can be, no one seems to love him, and he’s haunted by ghosts from the past.

Tiny Tim: Tim Dwight

George Bailey: Vladimir Guerrero. He helps a guardian Angel (Mike Scioscia) achieve his goals.

Frosty: Allen Iverson. His relationship with the 76ers.


Notice that college football was not featured above. Because it can’t truly be “the most wonderful time of the year” until we get rid of the BCS.

The Anaheim Ducks: A Mighty Paradox

For the first 13 years of its mostly forgettable existence, Orange County’s National Hockey League franchise was known as the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim. In June, the team formally simplified its name to the Anaheim Ducks. So far this season, the Ducks have dominated the NHL, with just three regulation losses in their first 34 games. The development has brought up an interesting paradox. Once they stopped being called Mighty, the Ducks actually became mighty.


The Ducks continued their stellar play Wednesday night with a 2-1 road victory over the Atlanta Thrashers. Star forward Teemu Seelane scored both goals, and goaltender Jean-Sebastien Giguere won his ninth straight start. Anaheim’s 12-1-2 away record is the best after 15 games in NHL history. The 1951-52 Detroit Red Wings had set the previous mark – after changing their name from the Potent Red Wings.


This excellence was rarely seen when the team was known as the Mighty Ducks. The franchise only made the post-season 4 times in 13 seasons with that name, highlighted by a 2003 run to the Stanley Cup finals led by Giguere. The nickname was so misleading, the Anaheim broadcasters reportedly used quote signs whenever saying the word “Mighty.” The name, of course, came from a 1992 movie from Disney, which owned the team until 2005. No professional sports franchise has ever been successful when named after an Emilio Estevez film. The NBA still has nightmares over the disastrous Cincinnati Breakfast Clubs.


With Disney no longer in the picture, management determined that the “Mighty” part of the name was no longer necessary. Like the University of Oregon, Anaheim was happy to just be the Ducks. The revision also helped the team’s public image. Not only did “Mighty Ducks” bring snickers from sports fans, but it was also a reminder of the AFLAC duck’s notorious steroids scandal.


Good things happened almost immediately after the name change, as star defenseman Chris Pronger was acquired from the Edmonton Oilers less than two weeks later. The spirit of change also extended to the team’s home arena, as the Arrowhead Pond of Anaheim was renamed the Honda Center. Surprisingly, the switch had nothing to do with corporate sponsors. It was made because most actual ducks like to drive Civics.


After observing Anaheim’s great play on the ice, others are considering dropping “Mighty” from their names. Producers of one 1998 box office disappointment feel that they can earn big bucks by re-releasing it as simply Joe Young. Also, Mira Sorvino is confident that changing Mighty Aphrodite to just Aphrodite could elevate her Oscar-winning performance from Best Supporting Actress to Best Actress. The rights to any lost “Mighty” names will reportedly be assumed by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, who plan to reunite as the Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Mighty Bosstones.


The Ducks look to continue their hot streak this Saturday against the Sharks in San Jose. By demonstrating their mightiness after dropping “Mighty” from their name, the Ducks have shown that actions speak louder than words. Or if you prefer, slapshots speak louder than quacks.

An "LT" Tribute To LaDainian Tomlinson's Record

Sunday in San Diego, Chargers running back LaDainian Tomlinson broke the NFL single-season record for touchdowns in a 48-20 victory over the Denver Broncos. His third score of the contest gave him 29 on the season with three games remaining. Like Lawrence Taylor, Tomlinson is an LT who will wind up in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. To pay tribute to Tomlinson’s record, here is how some other LT’s relate to the San Diego Super Charger.


Lofa Tatupu: The Seattle Seahawks linebacker is a teammate of the previous record-holder, Shaun Alexander - a reminder that the best hope to contain LT is to put him on the cover of Madden NFL 08.

Lee Trevino: The golfing great won six major championships during his career. LT can relate to an athlete who knows how to get six.

Lubbock, Texas: Texas Tech coach Bobby Knight will also break a record soon. After he screams at the record and throws it across the court.

Liv Tyler: She appeared in the Lord of the Rings films. LT wants a ring of his own, and he’s much better in the open field than Frodo.

Louisiana Tech: The school’s Karl Malone was like LT as a high-scoring future Hall of Famer. However, a SportsCenter commercial showed that LT cannot be a Mailman.

Lawrence Tureaud: That’s the birth name of Mr. T, who pities the fool who tries to tackle LT.

Lincoln Tunnel: The tunnel goes under the Hudson River. LT lines up behind Philip Rivers.

Lucy’s Trickery: Unlike Charlie Brown, LT can score because Lucy doesn’t keep the ball away from him.

LSU Tigers: They ended last season with a bowl victory over Miami. LT hopes to end this season with a Bowl victory IN Miami.

Lakers-Toronto: Like LT, Kobe Bryant put up ridiculous numbers when these teams met in January. Even LT can’t score 81 points in a game – well, maybe against the Raiders.

Leaning Tower: When trying to tackle LT, defenders are as off-balance as the Pisa landmark.

Liz Taylor: With 29 touchdowns, LT has equaled Taylor’s number of husbands.

Lake Tahoe: The ski resorts will be busy in early February, as LT hopes to be.

Love Train: The party song plays as the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train brings freezing conditions. This might be the only way to cool off LT.

Lawrence Tynes: The Kansas City Chiefs kicker gave LT his last loss with a 53-yard field goal with six seconds remaining on October 22. Next Sunday, LT can give KC’s playoff hopes the boot.

Leo Tolstoy: LT is a rusher who easily goes over 1000 yards. Tolstoy was a Russian who easily went over 1000 pages.

Left Tackle: That’s the position of San Diego rookie starter Marcus McNeill. His team is 11-2, and he blocks for a guy who spends most of the game in the end zone. I think Marcus likes the NFL.

Lap-Top: Computers are influenced by Bill Gates, while LT is helped by Antonio Gates. In either setting, you’ll have crashes.

Looney Tunes: Defenders have the same success in trapping LT as Wile E. Coyote does with the Road Runner.

Lily Tomlin: On The West Wing, she worked with Martin Sheen, who received six Emmy nominations as President Bartlet but never won the award. LT also works with a Marty who finds trophies to be elusive.

NBA's Atlantic Division To Merge With Big East Conference

In the early stages of the NBA season, the Atlantic Division has been notable for the abysmal performance of all its members. As a result, league officials have decided that it would be inappropriate for Atlantic teams to continue playing against NBA competition. Instead, these teams will test themselves against other opponents in the northeast. Commissioner David Stern announced that the Atlantic Division has merged with the Big East Conference.


The announcement gives hope to these franchises that they can once again be competitive on the basketball court. The collegiate ranks, even with the presence of the second-ranked Pittsburgh Panthers, should provide more opportunities for victories. The rest of the NBA has not been kind to the Atlantic Division, with the New Jersey Nets holding first place at 7-12. Only three teams outside the division have a worse record, and Atlantic teams have gone 7-29 against the Western Conference. Since the start of the NBA season, only Michael Richards and the Republican Party have fared worse.


Despite the teams’ struggles, Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese is delighted to welcome five new members to the league. Recent conference realignment caused the Big East to lose three schools to the ACC while picking up five from Conference USA. When the dust settled, the Big East was left with a mere 16 members. Tranghese found that shortage unacceptable, lamenting, “That’s small enough that most of our schools actually play each other. I mean, how can we honestly have ‘Big’ in our name if everyone is in the same country?”


Now with 21 members, including the Toronto Raptors from Canada, Tranghese’s concerns have been addressed. Immediately, some classic backyard rivalries will be ignited. The Nets will battle for Garden State supremacy with Seton Hall and Rutgers. The 76ers will square off with Villanova for bragging rights in Philadelphia. And St. John’s and the New York Knicks will get it on in Madison Square Garden. Red Storm sophomore Anthony Mason, Jr. will provide Knicks fans with a reminder of better days, when his father’s teams were a fixture in the postseason. Things could be even better this time, as neither Michael Jordan nor Reggie Miller is expected to be in the building.


Storylines will be particularly abundant for the Boston Celtics. A showdown versus Louisville will bring a grudge match with former Celtics coach Rick Pitino, and current Boston coach Doc Rivers will get to take on his old school, Marquette. Games with Notre Dame will determine who has the toughest leprechaun in all of sports. However, the presence of Sebastian Telfair, Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, and Kendrick Perkins on the Celtics’ roster does provide reason for concern. The team might not have enough college experience to compete in the Big East.


Other subplots are sure to provide intrigue. When New York’s Quentin Richardson and Philadelphia’s Steven Hunter competed for DePaul, the Blue Demons were still in Conference USA. They won’t have to miss out on the Big East experience any longer. A New Jersey – Connecticut matchup will enable former Huskies Marcus Williams, Clifford Robinson, and Josh Boone to take on their old school. And at least for the time being, Allen Iverson is in the same conference as the Georgetown Hoyas. His old school could even be a plausible trade destination, as The Answer only seems to be able to coexist with coaches named John Thompson.


The recent expansion could make the Big East Conference tournament particularly interesting. Nine teams will be excluded from the 12-team field. If the Knicks make it that far, they’ll be very unlikely to win the title. The Big East champion must be able to win repeatedly in Madison Square Garden.

Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Crash Davis For Being Stuck In The Minor Leagues

ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. As noted in two of my previous columns, the series is overly focused on real-life sports figures such as Bill Buckner and Chris Webber. To address this issue, I expanded the approach to take a deeper look at the perceived athletic shortcomings of fictional characters. Previously I chronicled the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa and the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Charlie Brown for his sports futility.


Today I will turn my focus to Crash Davis. Featured in the 1988 film Bull Durham, Davis was a highly respected veteran catcher. However, all his years in the minor leagues only led to one 21-day stint with a major league ballclub. Ever since those three weeks of glory, Crash continued to bounce around the bus circuit with the desperate hope of returning to The Show. However, those major league dreams never again materialized.


A closer examination reveals that numerous factors beyond his control kept Davis out of the big leagues. I may not change your mind about Crash’s role in his fate, but at least I hope to provide material to make you think – without hurting the ballclub. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:


Ron Shelton: The Bull Durham writer/director based the film on his experiences as a minor league ballplayer. If Bill Mazeroski had written and directed the movie, Crash Davis would have won the World Series with a home run.

Playing Too Early: Crash was named Best Picture at last year’s Academy Awards ceremony. Crash was also a hit 1996 album for the Dave Matthews Band. However, in the 80s it was not yet trendy for a Crash to be rewarded.

Home Run Chase: Before retiring, Davis broke the all-time minor league home run record. During home run record pursuits in the major leagues, Roger Maris had his hair fall out from stress, Hank Aaron was bombarded with racist letters, and Barry Bonds is being dogged by steroid allegations. But Crash got his record in the minors, so no one bothered him at all.


And now, here are the top five reasons you can’t blame Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues.


Reason #5: Davises. Crash was the victim of a numbers game by playing during the 1980s. In that decade, numerous prominent players named Davis entered the major leagues. The list included Alvin, Chili, Eric, Glenn, Jody, Mark, Mike, and Storm Davis. The major leagues simply would not allow another Davis to enter their ranks. As a result, not only was Crash Davis kept out of the big leagues, but so were Geena, Bette, and Ann B. Davis.


Reason #4: For Love of the Game. Baseball has been a common theme in Kevin Costner’s movies, having portrayed a fan in Field of Dreams and a retired ballplayer in The Upside of Anger. For Love of the Game, in which he played a Detroit Tiger pitcher, was the one film besides Bull Durham in which Costner portrayed an active player. The results were utterly forgettable, proving that Costner characters are much more compelling when in the minors.


Reason #3: Durham. Playing in Durham does not bode well for success at the highest level. The Bulls were a Single A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves when the Braves were annually awful. After Atlanta became consistently good, the Bulls switched over to be the AAA affiliate for the inept Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Also, the Duke basketball program has only produced one player who went on to win an NBA championship. And some members of the 2003 San Antonio Spurs still do not believe that Danny Ferry was on their roster.


Reason #2: Annie Savoy. Crash pointed out to his Bulls teammates that in The Show, “the women all have long legs and brains.” However, it was in Durham that he found a beautiful, horny woman who understood the intricacies of baseball. Sure, she was a bit nuts when she talked about things like breathing through your eyelids. But any guy will put up with some “crazy” to land a hot chick who can explain the infield fly rule.


Still not convinced? C’mon Meat, there’s just one reason left.


Reason #1: Big League Front Offices. Crash Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with frequent home run power who handled pitchers well and helped the wildly undisciplined Nuke LaLoosh take full advantage of his talent. You would think that general managers would regard such a prospect as Jesus with a mitt. So it boggles the mind that they didn’t have a spot for him on a major league roster. Reportedly, many GMs were scared off by the instances when Crash helped opposing batters to homer after telling them what pitch was coming. The front offices were apparently fearful that Davis would make a habit out of this activity while placing bets on the opposing team. Also, in terms of the homework they did on prospects, many of those GMs were just lollygaggers.


So there you have it. Maybe I’ve changed your mind about Crash Davis, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider. In the meantime, I’m just happy to be here - hope I can help the ballclub.

Ohio State vs. Florida: An Early Breakdown

Two weeks after Ohio State ended a perfect regular season, speculation was rampant over who would take on the Buckeyes in the BCS national championship game. Michigan will not get a second chance at its arch-rivals, as the Wolverines were edged by Florida in the final BCS standings. How do the Gators match up with Ohio State? Here is an early analysis.


Nicknames: Gators are lethal animals with a fearsome bite. The Buckeye is the state tree of Ohio, and no one is scared of being eaten by a tree. Unless you’re Charlie Brown’s kite. Advantage: Florida

Legendary Coaches: A high level of excitement can result in a Woody. But guys never talk about getting a Spurrier. Advantage: Ohio State

Current Coaches: Florida’s Urban Meyer earned a master’s degree from Ohio State and was a graduate assistant there. So he has inside information on his opponent, unlike OSU’s Jim Tressel, whose failure to infiltrate the University of Florida shows a lack of preparation. Advantage: Florida

Cities: Gainesville was named after General Edmund P. Gaines, commander of U.S. Army troops in Florida during the Second Seminole War. So both Columbus and Gainesville were named for men with a habit of slaughtering Native Americans. But government offices don’t close for Gaines Day. Advantage: Ohio State

Leading Rushers: DeShawn Wynn leads the Gators, while Antonio Pittman carries the load for the Buckeyes. “Wynn” reminds you of victory, but “Pitt Man” makes you think of a mediocre Big East team. Advantage: Florida

Quarterback Names: After Ohio State’s Troy Smith wins the Heisman Trophy, Troy University and the Men of Troy will participate in bowl games. No bowl invitations went out to Chris Tech or Leak A&M. Advantage: Ohio State

ESPN Football Personalities: OSU’s Kirk Herbstreit is a fixture on the College GameDay crew, while UF’s Erin Andrews reports from the sidelines. Hint on this one: I’m a dude. Advantage: Florida

Jesses: While winning four gold medals in front of Hitler, Ohio State’s Jesse Owens inspired freedom-loving sports fans. As The Bachelor, Florida’s Jesse Palmer inspired reality-TV junkies. Advantage: Ohio State

Griffins: The Gators’ home field is named for benefactor Ben Hill Griffin. But OSU’s Archie Griffin could have asked him, “Hey rich guy, did all that cash get you two Heismans? Didn’t think so!” Advantage: Ohio State

Late-Night Political Satire: The Daily Show shot its “Midwest Midterm Midtacular” on the Ohio State campus, but that was only for four days. Florida’s Darrell Hammond has done his impressions on Saturday Night Live for much longer. I think he joined the show with Joe Piscopo. Advantage: Florida

2006 Championships: The Buckeyes won Big Ten titles in numerous sports this year. However, the Gators took the national championship in basketball, David Eckstein was the World Series MVP, and Emmitt Smith reigned supreme on Dancing With the Stars. Advantage: Florida

Golden Effect: Florida routed the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles, while Ohio State did the same to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. Florida may be home to The Golden Girls, but OSU’s Jack Nicklaus is the Golden Bear. Advantage: Ohio State

Weekend Campus Debuts: On Saturday, Greg Oden made his initial appearance as a Buckeye in a 78-58 victory over Valparaiso. Whatever firsts took place in Gainesville this weekend, I’m sure none of them involved the top pick in the next NBA draft. Advantage: Ohio State

Award-Winning Actresses: OSU’s Patricia Heaton won two Emmys for Everybody Loves Raymond, but Florida’s Faye Dunaway trumps her with an Oscar for Network. And in Mommie Dearest, she was much scarier than the vaunted Buckeye defense. Advantage: Florida

Inventions: Florida professor Robert Cade invented Gatorade. Roy Plunkett invented Teflon after getting a Ph.D. from Ohio State. Winners don’t get Teflon dumped on their head. Advantage: Florida

The Apprentice: Florida grad Kendra Todd won season 3 of Donald Trump’s competition. However, being an apprentice means that you’re not the top dog. Advantage: Ohio State

2003 Fiesta Bowl: The last time the BCS national championship game was played in Arizona, Ohio State defeated a team from Florida with a second-year coach. Gator fans, watch out for those pass interference flags. Advantage: Ohio State


Tallying up the results, it’s Ohio State 9, Florida 8. Assuming that will be the final score, you can expect a late Buckeye field goal to overcome an 8-6 deficit and bring home the championship.

USC Bans Use of "Rose" For Rest of 2006

Site of many past triumphs for the program, the Rose Bowl has been a house of horrors for USC football in 2006. In both January and December, the Trojans’ national championship dreams were dashed in the historic Pasadena stadium. Therefore, coach Pete Carroll has determined that the word “Rose” will bring nothing but doom for his team in 2006. As a result, Carroll has banned the word from his program for the remainder of the year.


In January, Vince Young broke the hearts of USC fans in leading Texas to a 41-38 Rose Bowl victory. While the Trojans were devastated after the game, they knew that they had fallen to a great team led by a phenomenal performer. However, yesterday’s 13-9 defeat came to a UCLA Bruins squad that entered at 6-5 on the season, with seven consecutive losses in the cross-town rivalry. Since rational explanations for the shocker were scarce, many in the USC camp searched for answers outside the norm. Pregnancies are not abnormally high in Pasadena this year, so the city cannot be blamed for making Trojans ineffective. The Rose Bowl lingered as the obvious culprit. Taking no chances, Carroll decided to remove “Rose” from his players’ vocabulary through the end of December.


The USC coaching staff is confident that the Rose hex is only in effect for 2006, so the ban will be lifted on January 1. The Trojans will be back to play in the Rose Bowl that day. It remains to be seen how Carroll will keep his players from hearing “Rose” in the pre-game buildup before New Year’s Day. Internally, the team is referring to the contest as The 110 Freeway Bowl. During December, players will be forbidden from appearing on The Best Damn Sports Show Period, hosted by Chris Rose.


The coaching staff has also placed restrictions on the team’s on-campus life. Players are not allowed to listen to music by Guns ‘N Roses for the rest of the month. They are also forbidden to enter USC film school buildings during that time. They could possibly overhear discussions of Woody Allen that mention Broadway Danny Rose or The Purple Rose of Cairo. A reference to Titanic would inevitably include Kate Winslet’s character of Rose. Also, an evaluation of the impact of Citizen Kane would be all about Rosebud.


This policy will also impact basketball fans on the team. The Trojans cannot watch the Phoenix Suns in December due to the presence of Jalen Rose. On the bright side, Malik Rose will keep them from seeing the New York Knicks. The coaching staff was also concerned after learning that the USC basketball team has a walk-on guard named Chris Penrose. However, they decided that like all USC students, the football players will just naturally avoid seeing the basketball team play.


As the players unwind after practice, their television viewing habits will need to adhere to the policy. They can watch reruns of Charmed, but only the episodes before Shannen Doherty was replaced by Rose McGowan. The Golden Girls is strictly forbidden due to Betty White’s character of Rose – no small matter given the show’s popularity with college-aged males. The Trojan players have all been encouraged to watch DVDs they have been given about the Baseball Hall of Fame – a fitting subject for anyone observing a ban on “Rose.”


Yesterday, the Bruins drove a stake through the heart of USC’s national championship hopes. The Trojans suffer like vampires in another respect. Vampires are extremely resistant to garlic, whose common nickname is The Stinking Rose.