A Hitchcockian View of College Basketball's Preseason Top 15

The college basketball season is just around the corner, and the preseason USA Today/ESPN coaches’ poll was already released on October 26. While the real intrigue is reserved for March, there’s still a place for the Master of Suspense when previewing the season. Alfred Hitchcock’s movies fit in quite well with the top 15 teams. Really, what’s more synonymous with college basketball than a British guy who’s been dead since 1980?

Hitchcock won’t be making one of his trademark cameos in this article. But given his fixation on beautiful blondes, he’d be thrilled to see Erin Andrews reporting from the sideline. Without further adieu, here’s a Hitchcockian view of college basketball’s preseason top 15.


14. (tie) Texas A&M. Rear Window. Can the Aggies continue their success, with Acie Law and Billy Gillespie in their rear view?

14. (tie) Gonzaga. Spellbound. That’s what Josh Heytvelt will be if he can’t lay off the mushrooms.

13. Oregon. The Birds. Despite the loss of Aaron Brooks, the Ducks will continue to be a nuisance in the Pac-10.

12. Marquette. To Catch A Thief. Thanks to his penchant for steals, guard Jerel McNeal was the Big East Defensive Player of the Year. But he’s not quite as dashing as Cary Grant.

11. Duke. Notorious. It’s what the Blue Devils are on every campus outside of Durham.

10. Washington State. North By Northwest. The Cougars will once again be strong in the Pacific Northwest. No word on whether they’ll travel to games in a crop duster.

9. Indiana. Dial M For Murder. Kelvin Sampson knows how telephone calls can lead to big trouble.

8. Michigan State. 300. I know it’s not Hitchcock, but it’s the mandatory movie reference for the Spartans.

7. Tennessee. Rich and Strange. It’s an early, obscure Hitchcock film, but it’s a perfect label for Bruce Pearl.

6. Louisville. The Wrong Man. Cardinal fans are still thankful that Rick Pitino was the wrong man for the Celtics.

5. Georgetown. Vertigo. Jimmy Stewart had a fear of heights, so he’d have been terrified of 7’2” All-American Roy Hibbert.

4. Kansas. The 39 Steps. It’s how many steps Bill Self has taken, assuming you need 40 to reach the Final Four.

3. Memphis. Suspicion. Although they’re deep and talented, the Tigers can’t escape suspicion as long as they’re in Conference USA.

2. UCLA. Rebecca. The Bruins, like Rebecca Lobo, won a national championship in 1995. It could happen again, now that Corey Brewer and Joakim Noah are out of the picture.

1. North Carolina. Psycho. Tyler (Psycho T) Hansbrough hopes to lead the Tar Heels to the penthouse, not the Bates Motel.

Why the Red Sox Swept the Rockies

Sunday night in Denver, the Boston Red Sox beat the Colorado Rockies 4-3 to complete a four-game sweep in the World Series. Whether it was Fenway Park or Coors Field, the Sox displayed superiority on the mound and at the plate. But instead of merely winning, why did they sweep? Here are a handful of reasons.


Every Sunday they were in action this October, the Sox wrapped up a playoff series. Looks like the Patriots have been the second-best Boston team on Sundays.

The sweep enabled the Rockies to finish their season on an amazing 21-5 run.

Every 2007 postseason series not involving the Cleveland Indians ended in a sweep. As with most things in life, things are less exciting when Cleveland’s not involved.

The Broncos have an important game tonight, and now the Denver fans can fully focus on them.

The Red Sox rewarded their loyal supporters by limiting further exposure to Tim McCarver.

Boston fans dressing up as witches for Halloween got extra use out of their brooms.

A seven-game World Series would have ended on November 1. The whole campaign was “There’s only one October” – Dane Cook didn’t even mention November!

Helping the Boston sports cause, Bill Belichick got someone to tape the Rockies dugout.

The Red Sox only play classic, seven-game World Series when they lose them in excruciating fashion.

Georgia knocked off Florida on Saturday, meaning that the Gators will finally stop winning championships. So Colorado was screwed as former Gator Josh Fogg took the mound for Game 3.

Seeing how helpless hitters have been against Josh Beckett, the Red Sox wanted to spare the Rockies from that experience tonight.

The symmetry with 2004 was complete, with a first-round sweep over the Angels, a rally to win a 7-game ALCS, and a World Series sweep. And once again, a famous defection to New York was overcome – the Curse of Pedro is finally over!

Three outs from a 4-0 sweep with a dominant closer on the mound, Colorado didn’t have Dave Roberts on the bench.

With Manny Corpas on the losing side, it’s “just Manny sweeping Manny.”

The sweep means that the Red Sox now have a higher winning percentage (61%) in World Series games than the Yankees (60%). Seriously. Dude, I’m not kidding!

Subjecting Boston office workers to fewer late nights will improve productivity this week. Well, after today. And the day of the parade. And…

Jacoby Ellsbury earned a free taco for everyone this Tuesday, so it’s only fair that he has the time to get one himself.

The Rockies hoped to end like the 1986 Mets. Instead, they ended like the 2007 Mets.

Now there’s no need to cancel Two and a Half Men night at Big Papi’s house tonight.

If history continues to repeat from 2004, a Boston sweep in the World Series will be followed a few months later by a UNC national title. That may not be important to the Red Sox, but it is to me.

Boston College Conquers Deuceophobia in Blacksburg

Triskaidekaphobia is the term for a fear of the number 13. While 13 is frequently considered to be unlucky, another number proved to be far more treacherous in college football this month. Number 2 was absolutely deadly for anyone who carried the label, inspiring an outbreak of “deuceophobia” across college campuses. However, Thursday night in Blacksburg, one team refused to give in to this condition. With a dramatic 14-10 victory over Virginia Tech, 2nd-ranked Boston College conquered its deuceophobia.


In completing its comeback, BC became the first #2 team in the AP poll to win in October. First, USC inexplicably fell to Stanford. The Cardinal was just as giddy the next week, when hated rival and new #2 California went down against Oregon State. The hex was not just limited to the Golden State, as upstart South Florida’s one-week stay at #2 was then ended at Rutgers. “Number 2,” of course, is also something you do in a bathroom stall (one of many things, if you are Larry Craig). In this case, the term is particularly applicable. Once teams became associated with number 2, their undefeated seasons went down the toilet.


No one knows for sure why #2 became so unlucky. However, speculation centered largely on New Orleans Saints running back Deuce McAllister, who suffered a season-ending ACL injury on September 24. Conspiracy theorists charged that a bitter McAllister wanted other deuces to suffer, so he imposed a curse on the number 2 in college football. Local favorite LSU was #2 at the time, so as the theory went, McAllister waited a week to allow USC to fall back to 2nd before imposing the hex. Surely he could find plenty of help in New Orleans – a town filled with voodoo specialists AND fans who hate the Trojans.


Football coaches notice trends, so deuceophobia spread rapidly. Some defensive coordinators scrapped their Cover 2 and Tampa 2 schemes. Many offensive counterparts refused to try 2-point conversions. None of them wanted to play on ESPN2. Players were forbidden to watch Austin Powers movies, which feature the character known as Number Two. And all copies of A Tale of Two Cities were removed from locker rooms – a huge blow to the legions of players who depend on Dickens for pre-game inspiration.


Thursday night, it appeared that Boston College was ripe to join the list of victims. The 2nd-ranked Eagles endured 2 interceptions by Heisman candidate Matt Ryan and trailed by 2 scores late in the game. However, BC decided to make the number 2 work in their favor. Ryan executed the 2-minute offense to perfection and threw 2 touchdowns, sending the stunned Hokies to their 2nd defeat. The curse of number 2 was burst, like a balloon filled with helium (whose atomic number is 2).


Perhaps it was fitting that a team from Boston was able to turn the number 2 in their favor. On the same night, 2 runs were enough for the Red Sox to win Game 2 of the World Series. Their mere participation means that Sox fans don’t have to see Derek Jeter wearing #2 in the Fall Classic. Also on Thursday, the Bruins beat the Black Hawks by 2 goals. The Patriots are one of 2 undefeated NFL teams. And the Celtics are ecstatic about landing 2 new stars, including 2-guard Ray Allen. Boston-area native John Adams would have been proud. He was our nation’s original #2 as George Washington’s Vice President before becoming President #2. Alas, he then lost to Thomas Jefferson, who wound up on the 2-dollar bill.


Unlike USC, Cal, and South Florida, Boston College showed that the number 2 does not scare them. But just to be safe, the Eagles will be pulling for Penn State on Saturday.

Boston vs. Colorado: A World Series Breakdown

The 2007 World Series is set, with the Colorado Rockies taking on the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park on Wednesday night. The Sox have championship experience and far more tradition, while the Rocks are on a historic roll. So who has the edge? Even if you can’t distinguish between a Youkilis and a Tulowitzki, here’s a detailed breakdown to prepare you for the Fall Classic.


Inspirational Nicknames: A Red Sock has already helped Boston in a championship run. But a Rocky took down Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, and Ivan Drago. Advantage: Colorado

Noted Ballpark Features: What gets you more excited: the Green Monster or a humidor? Advantage: Boston

College Hail Marys: Colorado had Kordell Stewart against Michigan, and Boston College had Doug Flutie versus Miami. So there’s “Heisman winner Doug Flutie” and “teammate of Heisman winner Rashaan Salaam.” Advantage: Boston

City Nicknames: It’s Beantown versus the Mile High City. No one ever brags about joining the Bean Club. Advantage: Colorado

Robin Williams: He became famous with Mork and Mindy, set in Colorado. But going to Boston for Good Will Hunting got him an Oscar. How do you like dem apples? Advantage: Boston

Drew Effect: The Rockies have already taken down Arizona’s Stephen Drew, so keeping J.D. Drew off the bases shouldn’t be a problem. Unless there’s a contract offer waiting at one of those bases. Advantage: Colorado

Dennys: Denny Neagle was one of many free-agent pitchers who flopped in Colorado. But Boston Legal’s Denny Crane is worth every penny. Denny Crane! Advantage: Boston

Schilling Trend: Curt Schilling has World Series experience with, in order, Philadelphia, Arizona, and Boston. In the postseason, the Rockies have beaten the Phillies, then the Diamondbacks. It’s like his whole career has been designed for a Rockies championship. Advantage: Colorado

NHL: If the Stanley Cup is any indication, the Colorado Rockies can’t win a championship unless they change their name to the New Jersey Devils. Advantage: Boston

Hills: Boston is home to historic Beacon Hill and Bunker Hill, while Colorado has first base coach Glenallen Hill. Advantage: Boston

Top Hitters: David Ortiz has had numerous playoff heroics. But “Holliday” is a name befitting a celebration, or at least a Madonna song. Advantage: Colorado

1993 Effect: Now in their first World Series, the Rocks entered the majors with the Florida Marlins. So 1993 expansion teams are 2-0 in the Fall Classic. Advantage: Colorado

2003 Effect: Then again, Josh Beckett had a little something to do with that second Marlins title. Advantage: Boston

Don Baylor Playoff Moments: Often forgotten is that Baylor’s 9th-inning home run versus the Angels set the stage for Dave Henderson’s Sox-saving dinger in 1986. Also forgotten is that the Baylor-managed 1995 Rockies were even in the playoffs. Advantage: Boston

Scrabble: In basic letter values, “Colorado Rockies” gets you 24 points, compared to 22 for “Boston Red Sox.” Advantage: Colorado

Youngs: The Rockies had Eric, whereas the Sox had Cy. Maybe someday there will be an Eric Young Award, but for now… Advantage: Boston

Oh Canada!: Colorado ace Jeff Francis and Boston reliever Eric Gagne are both from north of the border. And both are considered assets for the Rockies. Advantage: Colorado

Annoying Catchphrases: “Rocktober” is already getting old, but it has a long way to be as overdone as “Manny Being Manny.” Advantage: Colorado

Envy: Colorado is Spanish for “Red,” and the Rockies’ AAA affiliate in Colorado Springs is known as the Sky Sox. Looks like the organization is a bunch of Red Sox wanna-bes. Advantage: Boston


Tallying up the results, it’s Boston 10, Colorado 9. So the Red Sox’ long title drought since 2004 will finally come to an end.

Rockies To Take On Steelers This Sunday

Monday night, the Colorado Rockies completed a sweep over the Arizona Diamondbacks to advance to their first World Series. Their layoff will reach nine days before opening the Fall Classic, so there is concern that the red-hot Rockies could lose their momentum before taking on the Red Sox or Indians. However, manager Clint Hurdle has devised a way to keep his club fresh in the meantime. The Rockies will step in for the Denver Broncos and take on the Pittsburgh Steelers Sunday night.


The Steelers were already planning to go to Denver this weekend, so their travel plans will not change. However, while they prepared for the Broncos, the Rockies are a completely different animal. Both Denver teams won on September 16. Subsequently, the Rocks are 20-1, while the Broncos are 0-3. Colorado has dominated in Coors Field and Chase Field, so Invesco Field seems to be a logical next step. The scorching ballclub has little in common with the slumping Broncos, unless a young Rockie or two was fathered by Travis Henry.


Skeptics will claim that a major league baseball club, even on a historic run, will have no chance against a top-level NFL team like Pittsburgh. However, Colorado has numerous factors in its favor. In the Steelers’ only trip out west this season, they fell to the Arizona Cardinals. The Rockies, on the other hand, are 3-0 versus foes from Pennsylvania this month. Furthermore, National League clubs tend to be very successful when they face an opponent from Pittsburgh.


Also, while the Steelers have numerous stars, the Rockies seem to match up with each of them. Troy Polamalu can be answered by Troy Tulowitzki. Willie Parker gets balanced by Willy Taveras. And Ben Roethlisberger will be unable to throw the deep ball, since the footballs will be stored in a humidor.


Colorado, for its part, will respond with Todd Helton at quarterback. Helton, as frequently noted, backed up Peyton Manning at Tennessee. Manning is more than happy to help his old college buddy, since a Pittsburgh loss could help Indianapolis with its AFC playoff position down the road. Reportedly, Peyton’s most important piece of advice for beating the Steelers was “keep Vanderjagt off the roster.” Helton is unlikely to put up Manning-type numbers, but he can also be successful handing off the ball. This month the Rockies have been quite proficient at running sweeps.


While many fans will be intrigued to see if Colorado can continue its hot streak in a different sport, there are some dissenters. Chief among them is NBC, which is televising the game on Sunday night. After seeing the ratings for the NLCS, the network wanted no part of the Rockies in prime time. Also, MVP candidate Matt Holliday is adamantly against competing in an NFL game. Thinking back to the decisive play at the plate versus San Diego, he refuses to play a sport that uses instant replay.


Regardless of what happens on Sunday, Colorado will then turn back to its primary goal of winning the World Series. Like the Steelers two seasons ago, the Rockies hope to win a championship as a wild card team. As for Pittsburgh, it must quickly adjust its focus before this weekend. Champ Bailey won’t be waiting, but the NL champs will.

A Robert Redford Guide To Football's Unbeatens

For many sports fans, Robert Redford is best remembered as mysterious baseball slugger Roy Hobbs in The Natural. However, the screen legend currently has a stronger connection to football - specifically to the remaining unbeaten college and NFL teams. In All the President’s Men, his Bob Woodward turned Washington on its ear, whereas Ohio State and Arizona State have knocked Washington on its rear. ASU has Sun Devils, while Redford has Sundance. New England and Indianapolis are reminding the AFC of The Way We Were – competing for last year’s Super Bowl berth. And for whatever reason, the NCAA still regards a top-division football playoff as an Indecent Proposal.

Redford’s films share additional connections to each of the thus-far perfect teams. Here’s a rundown.

NFL:

New England Patriots: Spy Game. This one was almost too easy. The movie was released on November 21, 2001, and the Pats went undefeated the rest of the way that season. Conspiracy theorists are checking the film to see if Brad Pitt taped the Rams’ sideline.

Indianapolis Colts: The Electric Horseman. Peyton Manning is a Colt who generates lots of electricity.

Division I-A (or whatever they’re calling it these days):

Ohio State: Lions for Lambs. The Buckeyes have mostly faced lambs in their run to #1, but they’ll be tested by the Nittany Lions on October 27.

South Florida: The Candidate. In the national championship chase, the Bulls were like Redford’s Bill McKay on the political scene: a complete unknown who was given no chance in hell by the establishment.

Boston College: Legal Eagles. These Eagles are working on the field, not in court. With a road win at Georgia Tech, they avoided The Sting by the Yellow Jackets.

Arizona State: Jeremiah Johnson. The Sun Devils’ November 3 showdown in Eugene could be impacted by a knee injury to Oregon running back Jeremiah Johnson. Cal visits Tempe the previous week, so like Redford’s character Jeremiah Johnson, ASU will have to survive in the midst of Bears.

Kansas: The Great Gatsby. Gatsby was named Jay, and was a newcomer to high society who took road trips to Manhattan. KU is named the Jayhawks, and is a newcomer to high society after a winning road trip to Manhattan. I’m pretty sure Redford looked better in a tux than Mark Mangino.

Hawaii: Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. The Sundance Kid was a great Western gunslinger. Colt Brennan is a great Western Athletic Conference gunslinger.

Marion Jones To Enter 2008 Tour De France

The past week has not been kind to sprinter Marion Jones. After years of steadfast denials, she admitted to having used performance-enhancing drugs. This mea culpa came as she pled guilty to lying to federal investigators about her involvement in the BALCO case, as well as check fraud. Jones returned her five medals from the 2000 Sydney Olympics and retired from track and field, from which she had been suspended for two years. However, the disgraced speedster has already found an alternative to fill the void. Today Jones announced her plans to enter the 2008 Tour de France.


Jones explained her decision thusly: “Most people assume that everyone in the Tour de France is on steroids. So I’ll feel right at home!” Indeed, Floyd Landis was recently stripped of his 2006 title due to a failed drug test after Stage 17 of that Tour. That same year, pre-race favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso were barred from competing on the eve of the race due to doping allegations. In 2007, leader Michael Rasmussen was removed from the race with four stages remaining, amid a dispute with the Danish Cycling Union over his availability for previous drug tests. While 7-time winner Lance Armstrong has never been sanctioned, he continues to be dogged by doping allegations. Jones would fit right in with this environment, even if she breaks away from the peloton to win a stage. She’ll not only be in the clear, she’ll be ON The Clear.


If possible, cycling seems even more drug-infested than track and field. Jones’s admission was stunning to sports fans, at least the ones who ignored that her ex-husband, shot-putter C.J. (“Caught Juicing”) Hunter, was a confirmed drug cheat. Or that the same was true of sprinter Tim Montgomery, the father of her child. Or that her name was all over the BALCO investigation and within the pages of Game of Shadows. Or that fellow track athletes continued to implicate her for doping. Or that…


In response to Jones’s admission, United States Olympic Committee Chairman Peter Ueberroth apologized to the people of Australia for the impact on the 2000 Games. He noted that one of the returned gold medals would be sent to boxer Roy Jones, Jr., since “he’s a Jones who actually deserved the gold!” Ueberroth also vowed, “We are pledging that we will have a totally clean team for the 2008 games in Beijing." In related news, next year’s U.S. Olympic contingent will consist of the rhythmic gymnastics and archery teams.


Most Tour insiders are skeptical that a cycling novice like Jones will be competitive. However, she has shown that she can succeed in sports other than track and field, having played for North Carolina’s 1994 NCAA women’s basketball champions. Having ruled on the (Chapel) Hill, she feels confident that she can do so in the mountains. Jones has already petitioned tour officials in an effort to improve her chances. She has requested that each stage of the race be exactly 100 meters long.


Whatever the result, her new athletic endeavor will likely prove beneficial for Jones. Currently, she has been besieged by bad publicity in her home country. By participating in the Tour de France, she will avoid any publicity at all in the United States. She will also be a trend-setter as the only woman on The Tour (though a much shorter Women’s Tour de France does exist). Facing potential jail time, Jones could achieve another historic first if she takes the overall lead. She would be the first Tour leader to forgo the traditional yellow jersey in favor of an orange jumpsuit.


Her Tour participation should also help from a financial perspective, especially while the International Association of Athletics Federations seeks to recover prize money and appearance fees from Jones. Tour winnings would help cover amounts owed to the IAAF, but potentially even more lucrative is a pending book collaboration with British author Helen Fielding. The women would join efforts on Marion Jones’s Diary, in which the speedster would intersperse recaps of the race with a neurotic outlook on weight struggles, smoking, drinking, and her obsession with Mark Darcy. A film adaptation is already rumored, with the part of Marion Jones to be played by either Renée Zellweger or Barry Bonds.


It remains to be seen how Marion Jones will adapt to the Tour de France. However, the Olympic movement is showing that it will adjust to the current drug-laden environment. Reportedly, organizers for the Beijing Games are planning a new touch for the lead-in to the opening ceremonies. Rather than a torch relay, a series of runners will pass a syringe to each other.

Ups & Downs of the Sports Weekend

It’s been an eventful weekend in sports, with three sweeps in the baseball postseason, a dramatic Saturday in college football, and an action-packed Sunday in the NFL. Here’s a look at who was up, and who was down.


Up: Rudy in L.A. Notre Dame finally ended its futility with a road win over UCLA.
Down: Booty in L.A. USC’s John David Booty threw four interceptions in a stunning loss to Stanford. The downside for the Cardinal? They helped Cal get closer to #1.

Up: Rockies. Colorado finished off a three-game sweep of the Phillies.
Down: Rocky. Philly’s favorite icon saw another title opportunity fade away. On the bright side, Temple won a football game on Saturday. Yes, Temple. Seriously.

Up: LSU Tigers in Death Valley. A dramatic victory over Florida cemented LSU’s #1 ranking.
Down: Clemson Tigers in Death Valley. Clemson self-destructed in a home loss to Virginia Tech, fulfilling their annual obligation to rise to the top 15 before falling back to mediocrity.

Up: Brandon Lyon. He was part of the Diamondbacks’ sterling pitching effort in the NLDS, allowing no runs in three innings of work.
Down: Detroit Lions. A 34-3 trouncing by the Redskins dropped the Lions’ record in Washington to 0-21. Only Congress accomplishes less in D.C.

Up: Jayhawks on the Road. Kansas won at Kansas State to remain undefeated.
Down: Seahawks on the Road. Seeking revenge for Super Bowl XL, Seattle fell 21-0 in Pittsburgh. Completing the sense of deja vu, Jerome Bettis retired after the game.

Up: Travis Hafner. His 11th-inning single won Game 2 for Cleveland.
Down: Travis Henry. Facing a potential one-year suspension, Henry and his Broncos teammates suffered a 41-3 humiliation at home versus San Diego. He’ll need the entire year off to see all of his children.

Up: Michigan Alumni in Coaching. LSU’s Les Miles and Stanford’s Jim Harbaugh notched huge victories.
Down: Michigan State Alumni. With a home loss to Northwestern, they again saw their team go into the tank once October arrived. Look for the Spartans to change their nickname to the A-Rods.

Up: Manny Ramirez. He followed up his Game 2 walk-off shot with a homer in the Red Sox’ Game 3 clincher.
Down: Aramis Ramirez. The Cubs third baseman had no hits in the three-game sweep by Arizona. But at least no one can blame him for 1909 through 2006.

Up: Samuel Peter. He retained his WBC heavyweight championship with a decision over Jameel McCline.
Down: WBC. Its heavyweight champion is some guy you’ve never heard of named Samuel Peter.

Up: Frank TV. As every baseball fan knows by now, it premieres November 20 on TBS. Two more promos ran while I was typing that sentence.
Down: Yank TV. While the Yankees staved off elimination Sunday, they still need two more wins to set up another Boston-New York ALCS. Like LeBron James, Fox executives are wearing their Yankee hats.

Up: Carolina vs. the Hurricanes. Butch Davis collected his first ACC win at UNC with a victory over his old Miami team.
Down: Carolina Hurricanes. They dropped a 2-0 contest to Alexander Ovechkin and the Washington Capitals on Saturday. But since it’s the NHL, no one actually saw it.

Up: Billy Goat. The Cubs still haven’t made the World Series since 1945.
Down: Rams. St. Louis and Colorado State are both 0-5. But to my dad’s delight, the Spring-Ford Rams took down Upper Perkiomen on Friday.

Up: Maurice Jones-Drew. His 52-yard touchdown run sparked the Jaguars to victory in Kansas City.
Down: Marion Jones. The gold medal sprinter finally admitted to taking steroids. Track and field insiders responded, “Well, DUH!!!!”

Up: Buckeyes in Indiana. Ohio State gave Purdue its first defeat of 2007 in West Lafayette.
Down: Buccaneers in Indiana. Tampa Bay was routed 33-14 in Indianapolis. Afterwards, Colts QB Peyton Manning went on a rant, complaining about Frank Caliendo being in more commercials than he is.

Up: Chase Daniel. The Missouri QB threw for 401 yards in a 41-6 rout over Nebraska.
Down: Chase Utley. The Phillie star matched teammates Jimmy Rollins and Pat Burrell with a .182 batting average in the NLDS. At least the Phils have one thing in common with the Red Sox: Curt Schilling has their most recent postseason victory.

Up: Kris Brown of the Texans. Houston’s kicker made all five field goal attempts, including the 57-yard game-winner versus the Dolphins.
Down: Mack Brown of Texas. Dating back to last season, his Longhorns have dropped four straight Big 12 matchups. But better days lie ahead. “Better days” meaning Iowa State and Baylor the next two weeks.

Up: Pats in New England. Tom Brady and company cruised once again in Foxborough.
Down: Bats Versus New England. The Angels managed just four runs in the three-game sweep by Boston. Looks like the Rally Monkey’s no match for the Green Monster.

Up: Ranked Bulls. South Florida entered the top 5 for the first time ever.
Down: Ranked Bulldogs. Georgia suffered a 35-14 blowout in front of 107,000 at Tennessee. 97,000 if you exclude Travis Henry’s kids.

Up: Undefeated Ohio Teams: Like Ohio State, Cincinnati beat a ranked opponent on the road to go to 6-0.
Down: Undefeated Wisconsin Teams. The Badgers fell at Illinois, and the Packers dropped a heartbreaker to the Bears. If the Bucks had been in action, they would have lost to the Bulls.

Up: National League West. Arizona and Colorado will square off for a berth in the World Series.
Down: AFC West. Ladies and gentlemen, your first-place Oakland Raiders!

A Cameron Diaz Guide To the MLB Playoffs

The 2007 seasons of the San Diego Padres and Atlanta Braves have ended, so you won’t see Mike Cameron or Matt Diaz in the major league postseason. However, the division series will be filled with reminders of Cameron Diaz. Sure, There’s Something About Mary featured Brett Favre, not George Brett. And it was Being John Malkovich, not Being John Kruk. But her other film titles do relate to this year’s playoff clubs. Let’s take a look.

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

Chicago Cubs: Very Bad Things. That’s what’s been happening to this franchise since 1908.

Arizona Diamondbacks: The Mask. Equipment worn by Chris Snyder and Miguel Montero, who catch the NL playoffs’ top starter (Brandon Webb) and closer (Jose Valverde). If they didn’t wear a mask, well, you’d still have no idea who Chris Snyder and Miguel Montero are.

Colorado Rockies: The Holiday. MVP candidate Matt Holliday leads the wild card winners. Even though in the 13th inning on Monday, Cameron Diaz was as close to home plate as he was.

Philadelphia Phillies: Any Given Sunday. Clutch play is crucial at this time of year. Since the Mets didn’t have Any, the Phils were Given the NL East on Sunday.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

New York Yankees: Gangs of New York. Like the Scorsese film, the Bronx Bombers are a big-budget production with high-profile stars. Here’s actually a good World Series omen for Cubs fans: at Oscar time, the movie lost out to Chicago.

Cleveland Indians: Feeling Minnesota. As the Twins did in four of the previous five years, the Tribe won the AL Central. The Twins’ pattern they hope not to follow? Getting bounced by the Yanks in round one.

Los Angeles Angels: Charlie’s Angels. Actually, they’re Vladimir’s Angels. Coincidentally, Aaron Spelling originally planned to call the TV series Charlie’s Angels of Anaheim.

Boston Red Sox: Shrek. The movie franchise and baseball franchise both bring in loads of money and feature a Green Monster. One more similarity in Shrek the Third: the star became a Big Papi.

Mets' Collapse By the Numbers, From 1 To 17

After a September 12 victory over the Atlanta Braves, the New York Mets led the National League East by seven games with 17 remaining. A 5-12 finish, combined with the Philadelphia Phillies’ 13-4 closing run, left the Mets in second place and out of the postseason. New York thus became the first club in major league history to lose such a lead in the last 17 games. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the Mets’ swoon, from 1 to 17.


1 Number of NL clubs who suffered a three-game sweep at home by the Nationals in 2007, thanks to Washington’s trip to Shea this week.

2 Field goals made (officially) by Auburn kicker Wes Byrum in Saturday’s stunner over the Gators. So unlike the Mets, at least someone stepped up this weekend against Florida.

3 Runs driven in by Bucky Dent on his famous home run versus Boston in 1978 – a game Willie Randolph missed due to injury. Sorry Willie - no one-game playoff for you this year, either.

4 Number of the train that stops at Yankee Stadium, where Mets fans can go to see postseason baseball.

5 Losses, without a win, for Notre Dame – the only team having a worse run than the Mets these days.

6 Emmy acting nominations Ray Romano received for Everybody Loves Raymond. This week the Mets caused more heartache for Ray Barone than his family.

7 Runs by which the Mets lost on Sunday, with their season on the line. Looks like March isn’t the only thing that goes out like a lamb.

8 Consecutive games the Mets have dropped to the Phillies. Only Santa Claus gets worse treatment in Philly.

9 Seasons Matlock was on the air, beginning in 1986. I figured Mets fans could use a reference to 1986.

10 Felonies O.J. Simpson has been charged with committing on September 13. He’s not the only athlete whose fortunes went south after that day.

11 Jersey number of Philadelphia’s Jimmy Rollins, who proved he had great foresight in January by proclaiming the Phillies “the team to beat in the NL East.” Less accurate predictions from that interview were “It’s the Mavs’ year” and “Kucinich is a real sleeper!”

12 Grand Slam singles titles for Roger Federer, including the recently completed U.S. Open. He’s the only male athlete who got to celebrate in Queens this month.

13 Runs scored by the Mets in Saturday’s victory. Sure, it was their only win of the week, but it was a REALLY decisive win.

14 Career postseason victories for Mets starter Tom Glavine, who trails former Atlanta teammate John Smoltz by one. Looks like Smoltz has bragging rights for another year.

15 Consecutive losing seasons for the Pittsburgh Pirates. So at least the Mets finished ahead of one team from Pennsylvania.

16 Points scored by the Giants in a win over the Eagles – Met supporters’ only consolation on Sunday. Unless they’re Jets fans – then they’re totally out of luck.

17 Games during the Mets’ 5-12 collapse in which third baseman David Wright had a base hit. Wright got less support than sportswriters at a Mike Gundy press conference.

Rex's Possible Replacements

In a move considered long overdue by most Bears fans, this week Chicago head coach Lovie Smith demoted beleaguered quarterback Rex Grossman. While at first glance the decision to make Brian Griese the starter seems appropriate, it’s also far too obvious. Other current Chicago athletes, or figures associated with the Windy City, would have been far more interesting choices. Here’s a look at the QB credentials of a few of these possibilities.


Lou Piniella: As umpires would tell you, the Cubs manager is great at throwing things.

Alfonso Soriano: The perfect situation for him: let him put up big numbers, and you don’t need him to play defense.

Kerry Wood: In case the Bears want to go the “powerful right arm, injury-plagued career” route again.

Steve Bartman: Among Chicago sports fans, he’s probably more popular than Rex.

Ozzie Guillen: Non-stop swearing at the quarterback would be replaced by non-stop swearing BY the quarterback.

A.J. Pierzynski: He can take a hit – assuming Michael Barrett is rushing the QB.

Mark Buehrle: Unlike Rex, when he throws the ball, the opponents usually don’t score.

Joakim Noah: Like Grossman, he’s a Florida Gator who’s now in Chicago. And he actually HELPS his team in a championship game.

Luol Deng: As Northwestern proved two weeks ago, Dukies can win football games in Chicago. Just nowhere else.

Ben Wallace: He’s not known for his offense, but neither is Rex.

Martin Havlát: As the points leader for the Black Hawks, he’d love for Chicago sports fans to actually see him when he scores.

Oprah Winfrey: She reigns supreme on weekday afternoons, so why not do the same on Sunday afternoon?

Peter Cetera: He’s experienced in leading a group called Chicago.

Richard Daley: He’s won six mayoral elections in the Windy City. So at least someone in Chicago knows how to go for six.

Bill Murray: The quarterback position would continue to be a source of comedy.

Brett Favre Limericks

After Sunday’s NFL action, five teams stand at 3-0. The most surprising unblemished record belongs to Green Bay, which turned back visiting San Diego 31-24. One not-so-shocking aspect of the game was that Packers quarterback Brett Favre tied another league record, matching Dan Marino with 420 career touchdown passes. Clearly Favre’s resume is impressive enough to warrant some limericks in his honor. Here are a few.


There is a QB named Brett
Lots of NFL records he’s set
It’s easy to state
What’s made him so great:
He doesn’t suit up for the Jets

He’s linked to Miami’s Marino
Setting records just like the Bambino
“Your QB won’t fail
If he’s not stuck in jail”
Says Falcons coach Bobby Petrino

Brett’s always been quite a dice roller
Not afraid to get smacked in the molars
He replaced Don Majkowski
And like The Big Lebowski
He’d soon be a Super Bowler

He played college with Golden Eagles
With the Packers his status is regal
Every year it’s the same
He misses no games
Just like the old punter Jeff Feagles

He makes escapes like MacGyver
Thanks to help he gets from Donald Driver
Brett knows to succeed
A good partner you need
Like Arnold has Maria Shriver

For him it’s the ultimate rush
To leave Soldier Field fans in a hush
A three-time MVP
It’s easy to see
Why he’s John Madden’s biggest man-crush

For so long this franchise he’s led
But soon comes the day Pack fans dread
He will have to go
And you’ll see at Lambeau
Lots of tears underneath the Cheeseheads

Spotlight On C.C.

His name is Sabathia, but they call him C.C. Why?


Cleveland Craves a Championship Celebration like the Cardinals, Colts, and Spurs, who left the Cavaliers Crushed. Sure, the locals are Currently Chipper after Crennel’s Constantly Criticized Crew outscored the Carson/Chad show on Sunday. But the Cursed City, thanks in part to Craig Counsell, has no titles since the year Cassius Clay became more than a Cocky Challenger. Since 1948, Indians have often been slaughtered as if Christopher Columbus were around. They’ve Clumsily Committed pratfalls like Chevy Chase and often been less exciting than Chinese Checkers, without the Charmingly Crappy appeal of the Chicago Cubs.


But Wednesday’s win over Detroit made Sabathia’s Cy Credentials Crystal Clear, leaving him ready to join the Coveted Company of Chris Carpenter and Cooperstown’s Carlton. His Current Career win total leaves him one shy of the Century Club, though he’s younger than Chelsea Clinton. He could be a Commanding Closer like Chad Cordero, but he’d rather pitch Complete Contests. Right now he’s hotter than Cindy Crawford in the early 90s, with his Consistently Confounding performances leaving bats as silent as Charlie Chaplin. Hitters are Cruelly Confused, like the Cameron Crazies at a football game. Yes, he’s scarier than Carrie, Cujo, or anything else in Stephen King’s Chilling Collection.


To teammates, his pitching is sweet as a Candy Cane or Chocolate Cake. Charmed Catcher Victor Martinez grins like a Cheshire Cat. Helping the cause are Fausto Carmona, Casey Blake, and Grady Sizemore, the Centerfielder Chicks adore. Sabathia used to play with Coco Crisp, whose name sounds like a Children’s Cereal like Cap’n Crunch or Count Chocula. Soon, with the Central Clinched, it will be Case Closed for the Tigers. The Indians will Chug Champagne, unlike Cincinnati, Colorado, and other pretenders.


MTV once showcased his California Crib. But now he’s the focus of ESPN, the Connecticut Cable giant where Colin Cowherd Cashes Checks. Like Serena Williams (with whom he once formed a Celebrity Couple) on Center Court, Sabathia hopes to Clobber Competitors in the postseason. If so, expect lots of Curtain Calls for C.C.

Notre Dame & Other NBC Shows

In a matchup of proud but struggling programs, Michigan throttled Notre Dame 38-0 on Saturday. While the Wolverines hope the victory turns around their season, the Fighting Irish are left to wallow in the misery of an 0-3 start. The Golden Domers famously have a broadcast agreement with NBC for their home games. These days, the action from South Bend bears no resemblance to the high-level NFL games featured by the network on Sunday nights. But how do the Irish stack up with NBC shows on other nights? Here’s a look at the network’s fall lineup, and how those titles relate to the team.


MONDAY:

8:00: Chuck: Coach Charlie Weis, or the upchucking he’s been doing after games.

9:00: Heroes: People who are nowhere to be found at Notre Dame Stadium.

10:00: Journeyman: Another term for Midshipman – someone who actually has a shot at the Irish this year.

TUESDAY:

8:00: The Biggest Loser: What ND will be on October 20, when USC comes to town.

9:00: The Singing Bee: A Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket, after his team’s 33-3 domination in South Bend.

10:00: Law & Order: SVU: Riots that would take place on the campus of victorious Southern Virginia University (SVU), if only they got to play the Irish.

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 (Also Friday at 8:00): Deal or No Deal: Phrase frequently uttered by ND fans as they look to unload their tickets.

9:00: Bionic Woman: A reminder of the late 1970s – something the program could really use.

10:00: Life: Something the offense desperately needs.

THURSDAY:

8:00: My Name Is Earl: What babbling former coach Lou Holtz is saying right now in the ESPN studio.

8:30: 30 Rock: The team’s first three games, in which the Irish have gotten rocked by an average of 30.

9:00: The Office: Where ND alumni are getting abuse from co-workers every Monday morning.

9:30: Scrubs: Players who only see action in blowouts, also known as games vs. Notre Dame.

10:00: ER: As opposed to “Wake Up the Echoes,” it’s an abbreviation for “Echoes Resting.”

FRIDAY:

9:00: Friday Night Lights: Like ND home games, it’s an NBC broadcast that focuses on a high school football team.

10:00: Las Vegas: Where the Irish want to play their games, since what happens there, stays there.

Top 10 Excuses By Matt Estrella For Taping the Jets' Sideline

The New England Patriots are currently in hot water with the NFL, after the league determined that the Patriots illegally videotaped defensive signals by the New York Jets’ coaches on Sunday. NFL security officials had confiscated a camera and videotape from New England video assistant Matt Estrella during the first quarter of the Patriots’ 38-14 victory.

New England faces the possibility of significant sanctions from commissioner Roger Goodell, including the potential loss of multiple draft picks. The Patriots will be allowed to present their case before Goodell makes his decision. As part of the team’s defense, Estrella has reportedly prepared his top 10 excuses for taping the Jets’ sideline. Here is an exclusive look at his list.


10. I figured Joe Namath would be making creepy passes at a sideline reporter again.

9. Seriously, does Tom Brady really need my help against the Jets?

8. I had politely asked the Jets’ coaches to tell us their defensive strategy, and the bastards said no!

7. No one stopped me, since the home fans were too busy cheering Chad Pennington’s injury.

6. Since I was in Jersey, I was trying to shoot a better ending to The Sopranos.

5. I heard that Miss Teen South Carolina was on the Jets’ sideline.

4. Come on, aren’t you glad someone actually shot some video WITHOUT Peyton Manning?

3. My judgment was impaired after that injection from Rodney Harrison.

2. I needed evidence to expose the Jets’ dog-fighting ring.

AND…

1. It was either that, or making a Bill Belichick sex tape.

Lloyd Carr's Supporters

Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan endured the humiliation of a 39-7 whipping by Oregon. The loss dropped the Wolverines to 0-2 after beginning the season as the #5 team in the nation. Fans were already calling for coach Lloyd Carr’s job in the wake of last week’s embarrassment versus Appalachian State. Those cries are sure to reach a fever pitch after the latest debacle.

While it seems that Carr has no support whatsoever these days, numerous high-profile individuals remain highly enthusiastic about him. Here are some of those people who are very supportive of Carr’s performance so far this season.


Matt Millen: No longer is he the most vilified football figure in Michigan.

John Beilein: Carr is already taking care of Beilien’s primary goal: turning Michigan into a basketball school.

Frugal Football Fans: For the first time anyone can remember, cheap tickets will be available to a Notre Dame-Michigan football game.

Joey Harrington: With Dennis Dixon’s dominant performance on Saturday, Harrington finally got to see an Oregon quarterback thrive in Michigan.

Mike Babcock: The Detroit Red Wings coach endured a painful elimination by Anaheim in the playoffs. But now someone in the area has had a far more embarrassing loss to the Ducks.

Sean McManus (President, CBS Sports): He doesn’t have to worry that Saturday’s Notre Dame-Michigan game will take viewers away from Florida-Tennessee.

John Swofford (Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner): With all the attention on the Wolverines’ plight, the ACC’s sorry performance has stayed out of the limelight.

Proponents of the Spread Offense: Michigan’s defense is proving how well this type of system can work.

Bob Raymond (Detroit Tigers Vice President, Marketing & Ticket Sales): The local sports fans want to see a team that might actually win at home.

Mark Silverman (President, Big Ten Network): Critics scoffed at the selection of games on the new network. But during Michigan-Appalachian State, it became must-see viewing.

James Duderstadt: A long-time science and engineering professor as well as a former U of M President, Duderstadt has criticized the university for placing far too much importance on winning football games.

Pat Hill: Next week, the Fresno State coach faces an elated Oregon team due for a letdown.

Ohio State & Michigan State Fans: No explanation necessary.

A Comparison of Chases

This Saturday night in Richmond, the Chase For the Nextel Cup field will be set after the Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Meanwhile, up I-95, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley will be aiding the Phillies’ playoff push while stating his case to replace teammate Ryan Howard as National League MVP. One Chase will definitely extend into November, and the other hopes to play into October. Here’s a comparison of the Chases.


Chase For the Cup: Starts after race #26
Chase Utley: All-Star starter who wears #26

Chase for the Cup: Cars crash into walls at high speed
Chase Utley: Teammate Aaron Rowand crashes into walls at high speed

Chase for the Cup: Hugely popular among rednecks
Chase Utley: Hugely unpopular among Reds pitchers

Chase For the Cup: Features race fans showering Jeff Gordon with boos
Chase Utley: Hears Philly fans showering Tom Gordon with boos

Chase for the Cup: Lead-in races included the Citizens Bank 400
Chase Utley: Hitting close to .400 at Citizens Bank Park

Chase For the Cup: Unlikely to include “Little E” in the #8
Chase Utley: Last “E” he made was #8

Chase for the Cup: Finishes on a weekend in Homestead, Florida
Chase Utley: Starts a homestand this weekend against Florida

Chase for the Cup: Chevys rule the standings
Chase Utley: Mets rule the standings

Chase For the Cup: With last Sunday’s win, Jimmie Johnson is the NASCAR driver of the week
Chase Utley: Teammate Jimmy Rollins is the NL Player of the Week

Chase for the Cup: Filled with left turns
Chase Utley: Phil who bats left and turns two

Chase for the Cup: Tony Stewart celebrates victories by climbing the fence
Chase Utley: Phillies celebrate victories when he goes over the fence

Chase for the Cup: Competitors for the title include Matt Kenseth
Chase Utley: Competitors for the batting title include Matt Holliday

Chase for the Cup: Teams need a strong pit crew
Chase Utley: Team is stronger than the Pittsburgh crew

Chase for the Cup: Infield drunks rack up the DUI’s
Chase Utley: Infield star racks up the RBI’s

Chase for the Cup: Some races will feature the Car of Tomorrow
Chase Utley: Some say teammate Cole Hamels is the Carlton of Tomorrow

Chase for the Cup: Drivers must make wise use of drafting
Chase Utley: By choosing him 15th overall in 2000, Phillies made wise use of drafting

Chase for the Cup: Driving from the pole is ideal
Chase Utley: Driving one off the foul pole is ideal

Chase for the Cup: In every race, they’re trading paint
Chase Utley: Became every-day starter after trading of Polanco

Chase for the Cup: Cars have restrictor plates at Talladega
Chase Utley: Never restricted at the plate in Philadelphia

Chase for the Cup: Goal is the checkered flag
Chase Utley: Goal is the NL pennant

Fun Facts About Appalachian State

Last December, Michigan football fans howled over being left out of the BCS national championship game. Today, the Wolverines aren’t even worthy of the Division I-AA championship. Saturday at the Big House, Appalachian State stunned the fifth-ranked Goliaths from the Big Ten, departing Ann Arbor with a 34-32 triumph. You may know that the Mountaineers are the two-time defending national champions in their classification. But what else do you know about ASU? Here are some fun facts.


App State is located in the city of Boone, named for the character from Animal House.

ASU began in 1899 as Watauga Academy. If App State were still an academy, it would be on Notre Dame’s schedule.

By capturing the Division I-AA title in 2005, ASU became the first North Carolina school to win an NCAA championship in football. I know - it’s a shocker that Duke never did so.

As numerous commentators have noted, Division I-AA is now known as the Division I Football Championship Subdivision. None of those commentators have kept a straight face while saying it.

Like Jim Tressel with Youngstown State in 1993 and 1994, ASU coach Jerry Moore won consecutive national championships in 2005 and 2006. When you’re taking on Michigan, being like Jim Tressel is a good thing.

ASU has the highest elevation of any U.S. university east of the Mississippi River, inspiring the team slogan “Our football players are higher than Ricky Williams!”

Appalachian currently has a 27-game home winning streak – 27 games longer than Michigan’s current home winning streak.

ASU’s Kidd Brewer Stadium is affectionately known as “The Rock,” due to frequent shoot-outs there involving Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

The App State fight song, Hi Hi Yikas, is sung to the tune of the German folk song Bergvagabunden. Because nothing is more synonymous with high-level football than German folk songs.

ASU’s alma mater is called Cherished Vision, not to be confused with Kool and the Gang’s Cherish. But wouldn’t it be awesome if Kool and the Gang sang your school’s alma mater?

My sister-in-law in Florida is an Appalachian State alumna. So to please his mom, I’m sure my four-year-old nephew Matt will trade in his Gator helmet for a Mountaineer one.

According to the ASU media guide, the name of its mascot Yosef comes from “mountain talk for ‘yourself.’” English professors must be thrilled that the symbol of their university champions the value of “mountain talk.”

Former Mountaineer player Ron Prince is the head coach of Kansas State, which lost a late lead at Auburn Saturday night. So the upset bug wasn’t quite contagious among Appalachian State guys.

In the 1987 Rose Bowl, Michigan lost its only-ever matchup with Arizona State. So if you’re ASU, the Wolverines can’t beat you.

Saturday also featured a West Virginia rout over Western Michigan, so the state of Michigan was completely owned by Mountaineers.

App State’s next opponent is Lenoir-Rhyne. I’m sure that game will have over 100,000 fans too.

ASU’s chancellor is Dr. Kenneth Peacock. Like all male Peacocks, he displays his extravagant tail when he strolls the campus.

Each year, App State plays Western Carolina for possession of the Old Mountain Jug. Quirky trophies are often at stake in Big Ten games, so it’s no wonder the Mountaineers felt at home in Ann Arbor.

Mack Brown was ASU’s head coach in 1983. I’m guessing he didn’t have anyone like Vince Young at the time.

An Appalachian Summer Festival is the social event of the year on campus. Well, not this year, after the parties tonight.

AL West Renamed The Guerrero Division

Wednesday in Seattle, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim routed the Mariners 8-2 to complete a three-game sweep of their closest divisional pursuers. Vladimir Guerrero smacked his 22nd home run of the year, as the Angels moved to five games in front of Seattle. At the time, the division was known as the American League West. However, Major League Baseball has announced that the AL West will now be known as the Guerrero Division.


The decision was based on Vlad’s complete dominance against divisional foes this season. In 37 games against Seattle, Oakland, and Texas, Guerrero has 12 home runs, 41 RBI, and a .438 batting average. As commissioner Bud Selig remarked, “The change from the AL West to the Guerrero Division is just a formality. We just wanted to recognize what is already obvious: Vladimir owns that division.”


Guerrero has been a particular nuisance to the second-place Mariners. In 14 games versus the M’s, he has batted .500, with five home runs and 17 RBI. In the Emerald City, Vladimir is responsible for more runs than Shaun Alexander. No one has done more scoring at Safeco Field this year, unless Senator Larry Craig ducked into one of its men’s rooms.


The Dominican superstar hasn’t been any easier on his Northern California adversaries. In 10 matchups with the A’s, Guerrero has gone deep six times, with 13 RBI and a .432 batting average. When Vlad won last month’s Home Run Derby in San Francisco, he must have believed that he was across the bay in Oakland. Besides demoralizing the Athletics, Guerrero has completely ridiculed the Moneyball organization’s philosophy by flourishing with his free-swinging ways. As Oakland General Manager Billy Beane lamented, “We keep telling our guys the value of being patient and not chasing bad pitches. Then we lose because this freak of nature swings at everything from his eyes to his feet and knocks the ball out of the park! He makes me look like a total stooge!”


While Guerrero is hitting a mere .367 against Texas this year, historically he’s been a nemesis like no other to the Rangers. Vlad had a 44-game hitting streak against Texas until last August, when the Rangers ended the streak by walking him four times. The locals say that everything’s bigger in Texas. In the context of the Guerrero Division, that saying is true for the Rangers’ ERA, as well as their deficit behind the Angels. The Texas pitching staff has less chance of success versus Vlad than Paris Hilton does with the MCAT exam. The clubs square off in Anaheim this weekend, but the Rangers do have a plan for Guerrero when his team visits Arlington on September 24. Rangers Ballpark security has been ordered not to allow him onto the premises.


It is unusual for a professional sports division to be named after a person. However, long before the Guerrero Division, there was precedent in the National Hockey League. The NHL was once comprised of the Adams, Patrick, Norris, and Smythe Divisions. The comparisons between the former Montreal Expos superstar and the NHL do not stop there. Like the Stanley Cup, Guerrero used to be entrenched in Canada, but now he calls Anaheim home.


Guerrero is called by many nicknames, including Vlad the Impaler and Big Daddy Vladdy. However, for the unlucky trio of pursuers in the Guerrero Division, only one name fits for the fearsome slugger: The Angel of Death.

Dodgers To Play For Little League World Series Championship

Sunday in Williamsport, Dalton Carriker smashed a walk-off home run in the 8th inning to lift Warner Robins, GA to a dramatic 3-2 victory over Tokyo in the Little League World Series. Carriker’s teammates jubilantly celebrated, believing that they had captured the LLWS title. However, one more obstacle remains for the kids from the Peach State. The championship will actually be at stake on Monday, when Warner Robins takes on the Los Angeles Dodgers.


Monday’s showdown resulted from an obscure loophole in the LLWS bylaws. According to this provision, competition for the Little League title shall be open to any ballclub managed by someone named Little. Therefore, the Grady Little-led Dodgers were entitled to a matchup with Sunday’s winner. The 2002 champions from Louisville benefited from the same rule, as manager Stuart Little became the first animated mouse to capture the title.


The controversial decision sparked an immediate public outcry. As one critic pointed out, “Sure, L.A.’s had a youth movement this year, but not a movement to youth baseball!” Serious questions of fair play have arisen, as rather than 11 and 12-year-old players, the Dodger roster ranges from 22-year-old Matt Kemp to 44-year-old new addition David Wells. Warner Robins parents are particularly concerned about Wells, fearing that he’ll take their kids out drinking before the game.


Little League officials responded that Warner Robins will provide the Dodgers with more of a challenge than their previously scheduled Monday opponents, the Washington Nationals. Also, the Dodger franchise has a strong historical connection with Little League. The LLWS began in 1947, the same year Jackie Robinson ushered in a new era for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Furthermore, Los Angeles has taken to heart the Little League Pledge: “I trust in God. I love my country and will respect its laws. I will play fair and strive to win. But win or lose I will always do my best.” The Dodgers’ version has the slight modifications of “I trust in Lasorda” and “but win or lose I will always hate the Giants.”


Additionally, Warner Robins has reasons for optimism as it enters Monday’s title matchup. Since their 1988 World Series championship, the Dodgers are a woeful 1-12 in playoff games. In their previous postseason showdown with a Georgia ballclub, the Atlanta Braves swept the Dodgers out of the 1996 Division Series. Warner Robins will certainly feel like it has the advantage if L.A. turns to closer Takashi Saito. Carriker proved on Sunday that he can tee off on Japanese relievers.


Despite these issues, the Dodgers do have some items in their favor. They should feel comfortable in Williamsport, having gone 5-2 in Pennsylvania this year. Most significantly for Little, games in the LLWS are shorter than in the ALCS. Therefore, if his starter is leading after six innings, the game is over. Little can’t have a brain-cramp and leave his starter in until the eighth while the opponents tie the game.


Also, the Dodgers’ chances in the Little League World Series will be enhanced by two players who have already been World Series heroes. Taking his regularly scheduled start will be Derek Lowe, the winner in Boston’s Fall Classic clincher in 2004. If late inning heroics are needed, the Dodgers can turn to Luis Gonzalez in hopes of a repeat of his 2001 walk-off single against Mariano Rivera. If it gets desperate, L.A. could even try to reproduce a Kirk Gibson scenario, with a crippled slugger limping to the plate. That situation could arise if Jeff Kent tries to “wash his truck” before his final at-bat.


So the stage is set for Monday, as the Warner Robins kids take their shot against the big leaguers. The Dodgers will try to be the first LLWS champions from California since Long Beach won in 1992 and 1993. They already feel like the spirit of the 1988 postseason is on their side. Broadcasting for ABC, Orel Hershiser will be in the house.