Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Crash Davis For Being Stuck In The Minor Leagues

ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. As noted in two of my previous columns, the series is overly focused on real-life sports figures such as Bill Buckner and Chris Webber. To address this issue, I expanded the approach to take a deeper look at the perceived athletic shortcomings of fictional characters. Previously I chronicled the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa and the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Charlie Brown for his sports futility.


Today I will turn my focus to Crash Davis. Featured in the 1988 film Bull Durham, Davis was a highly respected veteran catcher. However, all his years in the minor leagues only led to one 21-day stint with a major league ballclub. Ever since those three weeks of glory, Crash continued to bounce around the bus circuit with the desperate hope of returning to The Show. However, those major league dreams never again materialized.


A closer examination reveals that numerous factors beyond his control kept Davis out of the big leagues. I may not change your mind about Crash’s role in his fate, but at least I hope to provide material to make you think – without hurting the ballclub. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:


Ron Shelton: The Bull Durham writer/director based the film on his experiences as a minor league ballplayer. If Bill Mazeroski had written and directed the movie, Crash Davis would have won the World Series with a home run.

Playing Too Early: Crash was named Best Picture at last year’s Academy Awards ceremony. Crash was also a hit 1996 album for the Dave Matthews Band. However, in the 80s it was not yet trendy for a Crash to be rewarded.

Home Run Chase: Before retiring, Davis broke the all-time minor league home run record. During home run record pursuits in the major leagues, Roger Maris had his hair fall out from stress, Hank Aaron was bombarded with racist letters, and Barry Bonds is being dogged by steroid allegations. But Crash got his record in the minors, so no one bothered him at all.


And now, here are the top five reasons you can’t blame Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues.


Reason #5: Davises. Crash was the victim of a numbers game by playing during the 1980s. In that decade, numerous prominent players named Davis entered the major leagues. The list included Alvin, Chili, Eric, Glenn, Jody, Mark, Mike, and Storm Davis. The major leagues simply would not allow another Davis to enter their ranks. As a result, not only was Crash Davis kept out of the big leagues, but so were Geena, Bette, and Ann B. Davis.


Reason #4: For Love of the Game. Baseball has been a common theme in Kevin Costner’s movies, having portrayed a fan in Field of Dreams and a retired ballplayer in The Upside of Anger. For Love of the Game, in which he played a Detroit Tiger pitcher, was the one film besides Bull Durham in which Costner portrayed an active player. The results were utterly forgettable, proving that Costner characters are much more compelling when in the minors.


Reason #3: Durham. Playing in Durham does not bode well for success at the highest level. The Bulls were a Single A affiliate of the Atlanta Braves when the Braves were annually awful. After Atlanta became consistently good, the Bulls switched over to be the AAA affiliate for the inept Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Also, the Duke basketball program has only produced one player who went on to win an NBA championship. And some members of the 2003 San Antonio Spurs still do not believe that Danny Ferry was on their roster.


Reason #2: Annie Savoy. Crash pointed out to his Bulls teammates that in The Show, “the women all have long legs and brains.” However, it was in Durham that he found a beautiful, horny woman who understood the intricacies of baseball. Sure, she was a bit nuts when she talked about things like breathing through your eyelids. But any guy will put up with some “crazy” to land a hot chick who can explain the infield fly rule.


Still not convinced? C’mon Meat, there’s just one reason left.


Reason #1: Big League Front Offices. Crash Davis was a switch-hitting catcher with frequent home run power who handled pitchers well and helped the wildly undisciplined Nuke LaLoosh take full advantage of his talent. You would think that general managers would regard such a prospect as Jesus with a mitt. So it boggles the mind that they didn’t have a spot for him on a major league roster. Reportedly, many GMs were scared off by the instances when Crash helped opposing batters to homer after telling them what pitch was coming. The front offices were apparently fearful that Davis would make a habit out of this activity while placing bets on the opposing team. Also, in terms of the homework they did on prospects, many of those GMs were just lollygaggers.


So there you have it. Maybe I’ve changed your mind about Crash Davis, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider. In the meantime, I’m just happy to be here - hope I can help the ballclub.

Ohio State vs. Florida: An Early Breakdown

Two weeks after Ohio State ended a perfect regular season, speculation was rampant over who would take on the Buckeyes in the BCS national championship game. Michigan will not get a second chance at its arch-rivals, as the Wolverines were edged by Florida in the final BCS standings. How do the Gators match up with Ohio State? Here is an early analysis.


Nicknames: Gators are lethal animals with a fearsome bite. The Buckeye is the state tree of Ohio, and no one is scared of being eaten by a tree. Unless you’re Charlie Brown’s kite. Advantage: Florida

Legendary Coaches: A high level of excitement can result in a Woody. But guys never talk about getting a Spurrier. Advantage: Ohio State

Current Coaches: Florida’s Urban Meyer earned a master’s degree from Ohio State and was a graduate assistant there. So he has inside information on his opponent, unlike OSU’s Jim Tressel, whose failure to infiltrate the University of Florida shows a lack of preparation. Advantage: Florida

Cities: Gainesville was named after General Edmund P. Gaines, commander of U.S. Army troops in Florida during the Second Seminole War. So both Columbus and Gainesville were named for men with a habit of slaughtering Native Americans. But government offices don’t close for Gaines Day. Advantage: Ohio State

Leading Rushers: DeShawn Wynn leads the Gators, while Antonio Pittman carries the load for the Buckeyes. “Wynn” reminds you of victory, but “Pitt Man” makes you think of a mediocre Big East team. Advantage: Florida

Quarterback Names: After Ohio State’s Troy Smith wins the Heisman Trophy, Troy University and the Men of Troy will participate in bowl games. No bowl invitations went out to Chris Tech or Leak A&M. Advantage: Ohio State

ESPN Football Personalities: OSU’s Kirk Herbstreit is a fixture on the College GameDay crew, while UF’s Erin Andrews reports from the sidelines. Hint on this one: I’m a dude. Advantage: Florida

Jesses: While winning four gold medals in front of Hitler, Ohio State’s Jesse Owens inspired freedom-loving sports fans. As The Bachelor, Florida’s Jesse Palmer inspired reality-TV junkies. Advantage: Ohio State

Griffins: The Gators’ home field is named for benefactor Ben Hill Griffin. But OSU’s Archie Griffin could have asked him, “Hey rich guy, did all that cash get you two Heismans? Didn’t think so!” Advantage: Ohio State

Late-Night Political Satire: The Daily Show shot its “Midwest Midterm Midtacular” on the Ohio State campus, but that was only for four days. Florida’s Darrell Hammond has done his impressions on Saturday Night Live for much longer. I think he joined the show with Joe Piscopo. Advantage: Florida

2006 Championships: The Buckeyes won Big Ten titles in numerous sports this year. However, the Gators took the national championship in basketball, David Eckstein was the World Series MVP, and Emmitt Smith reigned supreme on Dancing With the Stars. Advantage: Florida

Golden Effect: Florida routed the Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles, while Ohio State did the same to the Minnesota Golden Gophers. Florida may be home to The Golden Girls, but OSU’s Jack Nicklaus is the Golden Bear. Advantage: Ohio State

Weekend Campus Debuts: On Saturday, Greg Oden made his initial appearance as a Buckeye in a 78-58 victory over Valparaiso. Whatever firsts took place in Gainesville this weekend, I’m sure none of them involved the top pick in the next NBA draft. Advantage: Ohio State

Award-Winning Actresses: OSU’s Patricia Heaton won two Emmys for Everybody Loves Raymond, but Florida’s Faye Dunaway trumps her with an Oscar for Network. And in Mommie Dearest, she was much scarier than the vaunted Buckeye defense. Advantage: Florida

Inventions: Florida professor Robert Cade invented Gatorade. Roy Plunkett invented Teflon after getting a Ph.D. from Ohio State. Winners don’t get Teflon dumped on their head. Advantage: Florida

The Apprentice: Florida grad Kendra Todd won season 3 of Donald Trump’s competition. However, being an apprentice means that you’re not the top dog. Advantage: Ohio State

2003 Fiesta Bowl: The last time the BCS national championship game was played in Arizona, Ohio State defeated a team from Florida with a second-year coach. Gator fans, watch out for those pass interference flags. Advantage: Ohio State


Tallying up the results, it’s Ohio State 9, Florida 8. Assuming that will be the final score, you can expect a late Buckeye field goal to overcome an 8-6 deficit and bring home the championship.

USC Bans Use of "Rose" For Rest of 2006

Site of many past triumphs for the program, the Rose Bowl has been a house of horrors for USC football in 2006. In both January and December, the Trojans’ national championship dreams were dashed in the historic Pasadena stadium. Therefore, coach Pete Carroll has determined that the word “Rose” will bring nothing but doom for his team in 2006. As a result, Carroll has banned the word from his program for the remainder of the year.


In January, Vince Young broke the hearts of USC fans in leading Texas to a 41-38 Rose Bowl victory. While the Trojans were devastated after the game, they knew that they had fallen to a great team led by a phenomenal performer. However, yesterday’s 13-9 defeat came to a UCLA Bruins squad that entered at 6-5 on the season, with seven consecutive losses in the cross-town rivalry. Since rational explanations for the shocker were scarce, many in the USC camp searched for answers outside the norm. Pregnancies are not abnormally high in Pasadena this year, so the city cannot be blamed for making Trojans ineffective. The Rose Bowl lingered as the obvious culprit. Taking no chances, Carroll decided to remove “Rose” from his players’ vocabulary through the end of December.


The USC coaching staff is confident that the Rose hex is only in effect for 2006, so the ban will be lifted on January 1. The Trojans will be back to play in the Rose Bowl that day. It remains to be seen how Carroll will keep his players from hearing “Rose” in the pre-game buildup before New Year’s Day. Internally, the team is referring to the contest as The 110 Freeway Bowl. During December, players will be forbidden from appearing on The Best Damn Sports Show Period, hosted by Chris Rose.


The coaching staff has also placed restrictions on the team’s on-campus life. Players are not allowed to listen to music by Guns ‘N Roses for the rest of the month. They are also forbidden to enter USC film school buildings during that time. They could possibly overhear discussions of Woody Allen that mention Broadway Danny Rose or The Purple Rose of Cairo. A reference to Titanic would inevitably include Kate Winslet’s character of Rose. Also, an evaluation of the impact of Citizen Kane would be all about Rosebud.


This policy will also impact basketball fans on the team. The Trojans cannot watch the Phoenix Suns in December due to the presence of Jalen Rose. On the bright side, Malik Rose will keep them from seeing the New York Knicks. The coaching staff was also concerned after learning that the USC basketball team has a walk-on guard named Chris Penrose. However, they decided that like all USC students, the football players will just naturally avoid seeing the basketball team play.


As the players unwind after practice, their television viewing habits will need to adhere to the policy. They can watch reruns of Charmed, but only the episodes before Shannen Doherty was replaced by Rose McGowan. The Golden Girls is strictly forbidden due to Betty White’s character of Rose – no small matter given the show’s popularity with college-aged males. The Trojan players have all been encouraged to watch DVDs they have been given about the Baseball Hall of Fame – a fitting subject for anyone observing a ban on “Rose.”


Yesterday, the Bruins drove a stake through the heart of USC’s national championship hopes. The Trojans suffer like vampires in another respect. Vampires are extremely resistant to garlic, whose common nickname is The Stinking Rose.

Why The ACC Beat The Big Ten Again

Another ACC-Big Ten Challenge is in the books, and for the eighth time in as many attempts, the ACC has come out on top in the basketball showdown. On four of those occasions, the ACC wound up with a one-game advantage, but this time it was a decisive 8-3 edge. Why did the Big Ten come up short again? Here are some reasons.


Air Force: Wednesday night, the Falcons pummeled Wake Forest - the one ACC team not participating in the Challenge - by 36 points. Clearly, the Big Ten needs to add some service academies to take down the ACC.

Hillary Clinton: The Big Ten is headquartered in Park Ridge, Illinois, hometown of the New York senator. The conference followed her example, since she doesn’t play well in the South.

National Hockey League: The Challenge began on Monday, when visitors from Michigan saw a “Home of the Stanley Cup Champions” sign in Raleigh. Confusion immediately ensued.

Big Ben: “Big Ten” sounds like “Big Ben,” and both Ben Roethlisberger and Ben Wallace had a tough week.

Football Conference Championship: Shortly after a 1-2 matchup between Ohio State and Michigan, Big Ten schools were amused to hear that the ACC football championship game will match Wake Forest and Georgia Tech. Periodic fits of giggling interrupted many Big Ten game plans.

Abbreviations: It’s cool for college students to talk in shorthand. The Atlantic Coast Conference is usually abbreviated, but you never hear anyone call the Big Ten Conference the BTC.

James Delany: The Big Ten commissioner is a North Carolina alumnus, so he still has a soft spot for his old conference.

2004-05 Michigan State: The Spartans lost to Duke in the Challenge but later eliminated the Blue Devils from the Sweet 16. Counting on NCAA tournament rematches, many Big Ten teams thought it would be best to lose now.

Network Programming: ABC and CBS clearly favor the ACC. It’s Boston Legal and CSI: Miami, not Bloomington Legal and CSI: West Lafayette.

The Eyes Don’t Have It: Both the Iowa Hawkeyes and the Ohio State Buckeyes lost their games. Other body parts were undefeated, as the North Carolina Tar Heels triumphed.

Cocktails: The Big Ten fared well in games involving alcoholic drinks, as the Purdue Boilermakers edged Virginia, and Northwestern topped the Miami Hurricanes. Unfortunately, there were nine other matchups. Next year, expect Big Ten press releases to refer to the Duke Blue Hawaiians and the Virginia Tech Fighting Martinis.

Dry Floors: In 2001, a Challenge game between Michigan State and Virginia was cancelled due to condensation on the Richmond Coliseum court. UVA was leading in the second half when the game was called. This year, no courts were too wet for play, so every Big Ten team had to play the entire second half.

Williams: The ACC is the league of the Williams, and Roy and Gary both won their Challenge games. So Minnesota was doomed as it took on Clemson in Williams Arena.

Florida-UCLA: The Big Ten is 2-0 in Challenge games featuring a rematch of the previous spring’s national championship game (Maryland-Indiana in 2002, North Carolina-Illinois in 2005). No such opportunity arose this time, since the Gators and Bruins refused to switch conferences for this event.

Quirky Trophies: Big Ten football showdowns often have a kitschy prize at stake, such as The Old Oaken Bucket or The Little Brown Jug. The conference would take the Challenge more seriously if an item from Cracker Barrel went to the winner.

Denzel Washington Named Alabama Football Coach

On Monday, Mike Shula was fired as the head football coach at the University of Alabama. Shula went 26-23 during his four years, including an 0-4 mark versus hated Iron Bowl rival Auburn. University officials did not take long to find their next man. Reports from Tuscaloosa are indicating that Academy Award-winning actor Denzel Washington will take over as Bama football coach.


Washington could not be reached for comment, but details on a press conference are reportedly forthcoming. In the meantime, many college football observers are stunned that such a storied program would be put into the hands of an actor. However, Denzel was so convincing as coach Herman Boone in Remember The Titans, athletic director Mal Moore had no doubt that he could inspire victories at Bryant-Denny Stadium. Moore is certain that Washington can lead the Crimson Tide, since he already played the lead in Crimson Tide. The athletic department apparently wanted to land him as soon as possible, since his experience in The Hurricane also made him a front-runner for the vacant Miami job.


Denzel does add many assets to the Bama program. The team’s offense often struggled under Shula, but Washington’s recent box office performance proves that he knows how to put up big numbers. Also, while the school surprisingly has never had a Heisman Trophy winner, the new coach brings two Oscars to Tuscaloosa. The largest impact of all should be seen in recruiting. With the handsome movie star on the sideline, all the mothers of high school football players in the state will beg their sons to go to Bama.


Tide fans treasure the illustrious history of the program, and Denzel can tap into that proud tradition. Having portrayed an angel in The Preacher’s Wife, he can ascend into heaven whenever he wants advice from Bear Bryant. He also has a link with one of the most famous players ever to don an Alabama uniform, since he teamed up with Forrest Gump in Philadelphia.


Most importantly to Bama fans, Washington’s Oscar-winning performances prepared him for showdowns with the team’s most bitter rival. Denzel was first honored for Glory, which depicted the intense combat of the Civil War. To football fans in Alabama, the film captured the spirit of the Iron Bowl. In winning for Training Day, Washington got the nod over nominees such as Tom Wilkinson from In the Bedroom. If he can beat one Tom when the stakes are high, Tide fans are confident that he can take down Auburn coach Tommy Tuberville.


The hiring also addresses a controversy that arose when Shula got the job. Many observers felt that Alabama missed a historic opportunity in not hiring alumnus Sylvester Croom, who later became the SEC’s first African-American head coach at Mississippi State. Now there is a clear sign that things have changed in the state of George Wallace, since Bear Bryant’s position will be occupied by the guy who played Malcolm X.


However, Denzel’s hiring is not completely without controversy. Some school officials are fearful that he will overextend his authority and abuse his players during training camp. They point out that a past Training Day with Washington resulted in rampant drug use and violent gunplay. However, athletic department officials downplayed such concerns. Moore remarked, “If there’s a day we think about, it’s not Training Day. It’s the Third Saturday in October.”


In the meantime, Denzel will surely soak up some football insight in St. Louis, where son John David Washington is a member of the Rams’ practice squad. This time, he’s not just preparing for a role. He’s preparing for “Roll Tide!”

Neighborhood Nastiness: The Weekend's In-State College Football Showdowns

Last week, Auburn took down Alabama in arguably the most bitter in-state college football rivalry of all. Next Saturday, UCLA hopes for a huge upset that would end USC’s national championship aspirations. However, this weekend was the biggest showcase for in-state showdowns. Some were more high-profile than others, but they all delivered more nastiness than a dysfunctional family Thanksgiving. Here’s a recap.


FRIDAY:

Texas A&M 12, Texas 7: Longhorn quarterback Colt McCoy threw three interceptions and suffered a pinched nerve in his neck. It was simply a rough week for Colts in Texas.

Oregon State 30, Oregon 28: After the Ducks’ defeat, the Oregon trainer took the “Civil War” billing a little too seriously, amputating the legs of three injured players.

Ohio 34, Miami (Ohio) 24: Miami finished a dismal 2-10 season. As a result, Larry Coker was fired again.


SATURDAY:

Virginia Tech 17, Virginia 0: The Hokies recorded their fourth home shutout of the season. If Virginia is for lovers, why can’t guys score when they go to Blacksburg?

North Carolina 45, Duke 44: The John Bunting era at UNC came to an end with the victory. A final game at Duke is the best parting gift a football coach could want.

East Carolina 21, North Carolina State 16: With Duke off the schedule, the Wolfpack can’t seem to find a local team they can beat. On the bright side, Chuck Amato can call Bunting for moving advice.

South Carolina 31, Clemson 28: Now we know why Steve Spurrier was a bad fit for the NFL. He has to be at a place where he ends the regular season against a Bowden.

Georgia 15, Georgia Tech 12: Despite the loss, the Yellow Jackets head to Jacksonville for the ACC championship game. Too bad this week’s contest wasn’t held there – the Bulldogs have no idea how to win in that city.

Florida 21, Florida State 14: Even with the win, the Gators are unlikely to wind up in the BCS top 2. Thanks to South Florida, the Seminoles (and Canes) aren’t even in the top 2 of the Sunshine State.

Mississippi 20, Mississippi State 17: The Rebels edged the Bulldogs in the Egg Bowl. To celebrate, players opted against the traditional Gatorade, instead dousing coach Ed Orgeron with a bucket of raw eggs.

Oklahoma 27, Oklahoma State 21: It will be just like old times as Oklahoma and Nebraska square off for a conference championship. As was so often the case back then, the winner takes on Boise State.

Arizona State 28, Arizona 14: The Sun Devils won the battle for the Territorial Cup. They can bring the Cup to a participating Chili’s for free margaritas.

BYU 33, Utah 31: The Cougars scored the winning touchdown with no time remaining. They chose not to win earlier, since they are the Latter-day Saints.

Rice 31, SMU 27: The loss leaves the Mustangs’ bowl hopes in jeopardy. If a 6-6 Conference USA team can’t make it to a bowl game, clearly there’s no justice in the world.

Florida Atlantic 31, Florida International 0: You can throw out the records when these two square off. At 0-11, FIU sure hopes so.

A Tom Hanks-Themed Recap Of MLB's Award Winners

Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau was named as the 2006 American League Most Valuable Player on Tuesday. With that announcement, the list of individual award winners for the major league baseball season is now complete. As a two-time Academy Award winner, Tom Hanks can relate to the honorees. Having portrayed manager Jimmy Dugan in A League Of Their Own, Hanks is certainly in favor of promoting excellence in baseball. With that spirit in mind, here is a Tom Hanks-themed recap of MLB’s 2006 individual award winners.


Justin Morneau, AL MVP: The Terminal. Viktor Navorski was thrilled to arrive at JFK Airport but was not allowed to leave. Similarly, the Twins were excited to make the postseason but then went nowhere.

Ryan Howard, NL MVP & Hank Aaron Award: Philadelphia. The city’s sports outlook is often more depressing than the movie, but the Phillies’ slugger gives even the most pessimistic fans hope.

Johan Santana, AL Cy Young Award: Cast Away. What batters usually were against the major league leader in wins, ERA, and strikeouts. They’d love for Santana to get stranded on a desert island.

Brandon Webb, NL Cy Young Award: You’ve Got Mail. Hanks and Meg Ryan fell in love on the web. The Arizona Diamondbacks are in love with their Webb.

Justin Verlander, AL Rookie of the Year: Sleepless In Seattle. If the Detroit Tiger’s right arm holds up, he’ll cause hitters in Seattle and every other American League city to lose sleep.

Hanley Ramirez, NL Rookie of the Year: Catch Me If You Can. The Florida Marlins’ lead-off man used his speed for 51 stolen bases and 119 runs. However, his club was far more low-budget than a Spielberg movie.

Jim Leyland, AL Manager of the Year: Punchline. The Tigers were a long-time joke before Leyland took over. This season, only their World Series fielding provided comedy.

Joe Girardi, NL Manager of the Year: Joe Versus The Volcano. Girardi faced impossible odds in leading the inexperienced Marlins. After his one season, the front office sent him on the Road To Perdition.

Derek Jeter, AL Hank Aaron Award: The Ladykillers. The New York Yankees shortstop is reportedly dating Jessica Biel, the latest in a long line of babes. She thinks he’s a better kisser than A-Rod.

Jim Thome, AL Comeback Player of the Year: Big. The huge designated hitter for the Chicago White Sox slammed 42 home runs. And he’s only 13!

Nomar Garciaparra, NL Comeback Player of the Year: Toy Story. Woody and Buzz Lightyear played with a little guy. Nomar plays for a guy named Little.

Mariano Rivera, Delivery Man Award: Saving Private Ryan. No one saves better than Rivera, and he does it efficiently. He’d have had Matt Damon home in half an hour.

Carlos Delgado, Roberto Clemente Award: Nothing In Common. A comparison of the payrolls for Delgado’s former (Florida Marlins) and current (New York Mets) teams.


Tomorrow is a day to give thanks. Today, I’ve been happy to give Hanks.

Rough Weekend On The Road For Unbeaten Football Teams

In one of his most famous songs, Willie Nelson proclaims, “I can’t wait to get on the road again.” Because he is Willie Nelson, he was probably stoned when he first uttered those words. Players from Michigan, Rutgers, and Indianapolis certainly think so. This past weekend, the road was a nasty place for undefeated football teams.


Saturday in Columbus, second-ranked Michigan fell 42-39 in a showdown with #1 Ohio State. Every matchup between the Buckeyes and Wolverines is hugely anticipated, but the buildup for this game was off the charts. Friday’s death of Michigan coaching legend Bo Schembechler made the occasion even more emotional. After the game, Bo’s spirit reportedly received a wedgie from the ghost of Woody Hayes.


In addition to those two icons, there was another presence from beyond this world in Ohio Stadium. At least that’s what the Wolverines would tell you about OSU quarterback Troy Smith, who gave them fits for the third straight year. Smith threw for 316 yards and four touchdowns while ending the Heisman Trophy race. Fans of the X-Men movies love to watch Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Much to his chagrin, Michigan coach Lloyd Carr will tell you that there is also a Buckeye superhero.


Amazingly, the Wolverines want another crack at Smith, and they might get it in the BCS national championship game. Michigan remained #2 in the BCS rankings, although USC has a good chance of jumping into that spot with wins over Notre Dame and UCLA. For once, UM supporters will eagerly root for the Fighting Irish, who were routed by the Wolverines in September. There is hope for fans in Ann Arbor, since they’re depending on a loss by the Men of Troy – not the man named Troy.


Rutgers also exited the state of Ohio in defeat after entering with a perfect record. Cincinnati trounced the seventh-ranked Scarlet Knights 30-11. The visitors from New Jersey had been the darlings of college football, entering the top 10 last week for the first time since the AP poll began in 1936. In another 70 years, they might even crack the top 5.


The Bearcats’ upset continued the Big East’s “Pay it Forward” theme for historic, program-building victories this month. On November 2, host Louisville knocked off #3 West Virginia. A week later, the Cardinals were the third-ranked unbeaten visitors, falling to Rutgers. Then the Scarlet Knights did their part in Nippert Stadium on Saturday. However, the chain apparently will break as Cincinnati visits Connecticut next weekend. Voters inexplicably left the 6-5 Bearcats out of the top 10, so Cincy is under no obligation to lose to the Huskies.


Sunday was no easier on unbeaten visitors, as the Indianapolis Colts fell 21-14 to the Cowboys in Dallas. The Colts had already won tough road games against the Giants, Jets, Broncos, and Patriots. Indy seemed particularly prepared for this trip, since the team features a tight end named Dallas. Late in the third quarter, Dallas Clark gave the Colts a 14-7 lead with a touchdown reception from Peyton Manning. However, the Cowboys compensated in the fourth quarter with two touchdown runs from Indianapolis Barber, better known as Marion.


The result left no NFL teams undefeated, further cementing the legacy of the 1972 Miami Dolphins. For at least one more year, those 17-0 Dolphins will remain the only undefeated team in the Super Bowl era. As they enjoyed their customary champagne Sunday night, they surely toasted Dallas quarterback Tony Romo, who completed 19 of 23 passes in his first home start. The Dolphins differed in that respect from the Cowboy coaches, since Terrell Owens is the one who drives them to drink.


Like Ohio State, Boise State managed to remain undefeated by staying at home. Even without injured star Ian Johnson, the Broncos routed Utah State 49-10 on the blue turf to go to 11-0. However, they are hoping that the road spell wears off before next weekend as they travel to 8-3 Nevada. Otherwise, coach Chris Petersen will understand how Tony Dungy felt on the Colts’ sideline on Sunday. One bid for perfection was dashed by Romo. Another would end in Reno.

Sports Before and After

Every once in a while, I pay homage to my Jeopardy! experience with another installment of “Sports Before and After.” As with the “Before and After” category on the show, the answer to each clue combines two different subjects, with the end of the first part being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the female race car driver who had a Hall of Fame career as an NHL goaltender, you would answer “Danica Patrick Roy.”

Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck! Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question. For more “Sports Before and After” fun, feel free to check out my first and second installments. As a matter of tradition, the first question always involves UNC.


1. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” singer who’s a force in the paint for the Tar Heels

2. All-time strikeout record holder who hosts American Idol

3. George H.W. Bush campaign promise about a Baltimore Ravens safety

4. Milwaukee Bucks sharpshooter who starred on Sanford and Son

5. Film starring Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell about a Los Angeles Dodgers manager

6. Ohio State quarterback whose abduction brought about the Trojan War

7. Classic Steppenwolf song about Dwight Howard’s team

8. Legally Blonde star who played shortstop for the Brooklyn Dodgers

9. Big East member who sang “Maneater”

10. Don Johnson TV show about a two-time NBA MVP

11. Prison, named after a Buffalo Bills linebacker, where Sir Walter Raleigh was confined for 13 years

12. Beatles song about a 1980s New York Mets slugger

13. Evander Holyfield nickname, taken from a hit NBC game show

14. Hit Blondie song about Michigan’s star running back

15. Casablanca-inspired Woody Allen comedy about a Los Angeles Clippers guard

16. First day of Lent, named in honor of a late tennis star and activist

17. Lambeau Field franchise connected to a food product that Charlton Heston screamed was “PEOPLE!!!”

18. New Toronto Blue Jays signee who’s a locomotive in a children’s TV series and books

19. Pittsburgh Penguins star who sang “Woodstock” and “Teach Your Children”

20. Tearjerker starring Sally Field and Julia Roberts about an All-America guard for Alabama

21. Rob Schneider comedy about a legendary Los Angeles Lakers broadcaster

22. USA For Africa song about a female teenage golf sensation

23. Harvard Law School-set John Houseman film about a Philadelphia Phillies second baseman

24. “Playhouse” and “Big Adventure” star who coaches the Kansas City Chiefs

25. 1995 Heisman Trophy winner who hung out with Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer


ANSWERS:

1. Bonnie Tyler Hansbrough

2. Nolan Ryan Seacrest

3. Ed Reed My Lips, No New Taxes

4. Michael Redd Foxx

5. Grady Little Miss Sunshine

6. Helen of Troy Smith

7. Orlando Magic Carpet Ride

8. Pee Wee Reese Witherspoon

9. Seton Hall & Oates

10. Steve Nash Bridges

11. Tower of London Fletcher-Baker

12. Darryl Strawberry Fields Forever

13. The Real Deal Or No Deal

14. Michael Hart of Glass

15. Play It Again, Sam Cassell

16. Arthur Ashe Wednesday

17. Soylent Green Bay Packers

18. Frank Thomas the Tank Engine

19. Sidney Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

20. Ronald Steele Magnolias

21. The Hot Chick Hearn

22. Michelle Wie Are The World

23. The Paper Chase Utley

24. Pee-Wee Herman Edwards

25. Eddie George Costanza

Why Oral Roberts Beat Kansas

The college basketball world was stunned Wednesday night as Oral Roberts upset #3 Kansas in Allen Field House. The talented but young Jayhawks, along with Florida and North Carolina, were part of the trio of national championship contenders that dominated preseason forecasts. However, the Golden Eagles provided some early-season humility to their hosts. The following reasons explain how ORU accomplished the biggest win in school history.


University Namesakes: Kansas told us that all we are is dust in the wind. Oral Roberts said he had a vision of a 900-foot-tall Jesus. That’s way cooler.

Team Nicknames: The Golden Eagle is a majestic bird of prey. The Jayhawk is a mythical bird representing a cross between a blue jay and a sparrow hawk. So it’s not even real.

Home Cities: KU is located in Lawrence, while ORU calls Tulsa home. Last Thursday, Joey Lawrence was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars. In the past week, no one named Joey Tulsa was booted from a reality show.

The Simpsons: Ned Flanders was noted as an alumnus of Oral Roberts University. Kansas has a loose connection to the series with guard Mario Chalmers. But Superintendent Chalmers is much less prominent on the show than Flanders. D’oh! Stupid Flanders…

Ancient Egypt: The Golden Eagles’ lineup featured guards Shawn King and Ken Tutt. In terms of evoking great civilizations, Kansas couldn’t match the King/Tutt combo.

Towson: KU’s next game is Sunday against Towson. The Jayhawks were caught looking ahead to the showdown with the Tigers.

New York Jets: With Sunday’s win over Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots, Jets coach Eric Mangini showed that he could go on the road and take down his mentor. Oral Roberts coach Scott Sutton, who was brought to ORU by current KU coach Bill Self, was duly inspired.

Coach’s Influence: It is often said that a team adopts its coach’s personality. That would make the Kansas players Self-ish. Being Sutton-ish isn’t nearly as bad.

Kathie Lee Gifford: The former talk-show host attended ORU. As the sidekick to Regis Philbin for 15 years, Kathie Lee showed that she could be part of a successful team. The current Golden Eagles have learned from her example, so they also talk constantly about the Gifford children.

2006 NCAA Tournament: Both schools were eliminated in the first round. But ORU’s conqueror (Memphis) defeated KU’s eliminator (Bradley).

Dress Code: While less restrictive than in the past, classes at Oral Roberts University still adhere to a dress code. As of last year, the same goes for the NBA. So Oral Roberts emulates basketball at the highest level.

College Football: The Kansas football team has a rivalry game this weekend with Kansas State. Oral Roberts does not have a football team, so the campus had no such distractions.

USA! USA!: In their first game since Veterans’ Day, the Golden Eagles had Adam Liberty in the starting lineup. No names in the Jayhawks’ starting lineup were nearly as patriotic.

2004-05 UNC National Champions: The Tar Heels began their title campaign with a loss in California to West Coast Conference member Santa Clara. Similarly, ORU opened this season by falling at Loyola Marymount of the WCC. Therefore, great things were bound to happen for the Golden Eagles.

Brandon Rush: The Kansas guard was due some bad karma after his comments that Michael J. Fox had exaggerated the effects of Parkinson’s Disease. Oh sorry, wrong Rush.


Wednesday’s shocker came two nights after Vermont stunned #14 Boston College. This time, the Eagles were on the right side of the upset ledger.

BCS Hopefuls Caught Looking Ahead To Ohio State-Michigan Showdown

Anticipated all season, college football’s marquee matchup is set as #1 Ohio State and #2 Michigan will enter next Saturday’s showdown with undefeated records. This past week, fans wondered whether the Buckeyes and Wolverines would be caught looking ahead against Northwestern and Indiana, respectively. Both powerhouses cruised to victory, but most of their pursuers in the BCS standings were not so fortunate. The Ohio State-Michigan game is so eagerly awaited in the college football world, it caused the #3, 5, 6, and 8 teams to lose focus and fall from the national championship race.


The first strike came Thursday, as #3 Louisville fell to #13 Rutgers 28-25 in a Big East showdown. The result was further evidence of what we have seen from professional sports. Cardinals can win championships in baseball, but not in football. The Scarlet Knights’ dramatic victory came one week after Louisville celebrated in similar fashion against West Virginia. Apparently every Thursday this November, one Big East team will accomplish the biggest win in school history. So this Thursday night, look for the Cincinnati Bearcats to knock off the Bengals. As for Rutgers, one forward-looking writer foresaw their rise to glory back in September: Why Rutgers Will Win the National Title.


Also in September, Louisville accomplished what #5 Texas could not manage on Saturday: triumph at Kansas State. The Longhorns saw their dreams for a repeat championship dashed in a wild 45-42 defeat. Quarterback Colt McCoy scored a touchdown on the Longhorns’ opening drive, but a shoulder injury sustained on the play ended his evening early. While his Heisman and national title hopes are gone, there was some good news for McCoy on Saturday. A confused bystander was thwarted in his attempt to drag the injured Colt to the glue factory.


In completing four passes on his one drive, McCoy equaled the total for the entire game of Auburn’s Brandon Cox. Always mindful of showing southern hospitality to his visitors, Cox also completed four passes to Georgia defenders in a 37-15 debacle for the #6 Tigers. The upset came a week after bitter rival Alabama fell 24-16 to lowly Mississippi State in Tuscaloosa. Always trying to upstage their Iron Bowl adversaries, Auburn proved that it could accomplish an even more miserable home loss to an underdog group of Bulldogs.


Ohio State and Michigan were surely on the mind of #8 California, as the Bears hoped to play the winner on January 8 in Glendale, Arizona. The Bears made an early trip to Arizona this weekend, but they dropped a 24-20 heartbreaker in Tucson. Perhaps the Buckeyes did not receive the same message that reached Cal and Texas on their trip to Northwestern. This weekend, top 10 teams were apparently supposed to lose if they were on the road against Wildcats. The field at Arizona Stadium does hold a message that proved prophetic on Saturday. The mantra “Bear Down” is inscribed on the field, and the visiting Bears obliged by going down.


After Ohio State and Michigan, only #7 USC had a comfortable week among the top 8 as the Trojans routed Oregon 35-10. #4 Florida struggled mightily with visiting South Carolina but survived, 17-16. Jarvis Moss was the hero, blocking a 48-yard field goal attempt at the end, as well as an extra-point try by the Gamecocks earlier in the fourth quarter. Perhaps Moss was inspired by the “Block” sign held by Burt Reynolds in one of the Miller Lite “Men of the Square Table” commercials. If so, Reynolds is sorry he ever came up with the idea. A former Seminole would never want to help the Gators.

Rumsfeld Joins Knicks' Coaching Staff

One day after the eventful mid-term elections, further change was evident in Washington as President Bush announced the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Bush has nominated Robert Gates, a former CIA director and current president of Texas A&M University, as Rumsfeld’s replacement. As for the outgoing secretary, he will make the move from the Pentagon to Madison Square Garden. New York Knicks head coach and general manager Isiah Thomas announced that he has hired Rumsfeld as an assistant coach.


Thomas described Rumsfeld as a great fit for the Knicks due to his record during the Iraq war. The feeling was mutual from Rumsfeld, who stated, “The New York Knicks have shown a commitment to spending outrageous sums of money, with little success to show for their efforts. That’s my kind of team!” In hiring the outgoing secretary, Isiah reportedly went against the advice of Bobby Knight, his coach at Indiana. As a General, there was no way Knight could endorse Rumsfeld.


The new assistant does provide New York with a reminder of the team’s glory days. Rumsfeld is a Princeton alumnus who comes to the team after a career in politics. Bill Bradley was a Princeton graduate who went into politics after a career with the Knicks – highlighted by the 1970 and 1973 NBA championships. Bradley was regarded as a team player who would pass up a shot if he could set up a teammate with a better one. Similarly, during the Bush administration Rumsfeld has been content to leave the shooting to Dick Cheney.


The secretary did have some interaction with the Knicks during his tenure at the Pentagon. The same questionable intelligence used to justify the invasion of Iraq was also responsible for New York’s first round selection of Renaldo Balkman. Even more notable was the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal that led to widespread calls for Rumsfeld’s resignation. Defense Department officials regretfully acknowledged that some prisoners had been forced to watch an entire Knicks game on DVD.


New York had some good news Wednesday night, as Jamal Crawford’s 3-pointer with 3.7 seconds remaining capped a 109-107 road win over the Denver Nuggets. While encouraged by the result, Rumsfeld reiterated the Knicks’ need to stay vigilant on the long road to success. “We will remain committed to winning the war on turnovers,” he declared. Rumsfeld added, “New York must always remember 9-11,” referring to the days when the Knicks were good enough for a 9-11 record after 20 games.


Upon joining New York, the outgoing secretary will find numerous similarities to his previous line of work. The Knicks’ defense, like the Department of Defense, is often a target of ridicule. The United States has become bogged down in the Middle East, while the Knicks have struggled in the Eastern Conference. Rumsfeld is not interested in international alliances, so he is happy that New York is a rare NBA team with only U.S.-born players on its roster. He is also unconcerned about potential clashes with high-maintenance guard Stephon Marbury, remarking that Marbury “can’t hate me as much as the Democrats in Congress did.”


Before the Iraq war, Rumsfeld was quoted as saying, “It could last six days, six weeks. I doubt six months.” That remark lives in infamy, along with Cheney’s statement that “we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators.” However, Rumsfeld does expect warm greetings to be commonplace during his time with the Knicks. Opposing players and fans will be very happy to see them.

Football Weekend Ruled By Colts

Saturday at Churchill Downs, Argentina-bred colt Invasor galloped to a one-length victory in the Breeders’ Cup Classic. Perhaps Invasor could have done even better if the horse had been wearing a helmet and shoulder pads. In both college and pro football, this was a great weekend for the Colts.


An eventful Sunday in the NFL was capped by the Indianapolis Colts’ 27-20 road victory over the New England Patriots. Although Indianapolis won in Foxborough last season, the Patriots were still considered the Colts’ nemesis for beating them in numerous significant contests on the way to three Super Bowl championships. Sunday’s game, like most of the recent matchups between them, took place in Gillette Stadium. The venue has brought frequent heartbreak to Indy quarterback Peyton Manning, and not just because of the losses. Gillette is one of very few American companies not to feature him in a commercial.


However, Tom Brady was the quarterback who suffered Sunday night, as the Colts defense picked him off four times. Manning threw for 326 yards and two touchdowns as Indianapolis improved to 8-0 on the season. The Colts are two games better than anyone else in the AFC, and the Chicago Bears’ stunning home loss to the Miami Dolphins leaves Indy as the NFL’s lone unbeaten. Once again, the shadow of the 1972 Dolphins will loom over the Colts while they remain without a loss. However, those old Dolphins cannot faze Manning, unless they show up in Indianapolis wearing Florida Gator uniforms.


One day before Indianapolis came through in New England, another Colt sparked a victory in Austin. Freshman quarterback Colt McCoy threw for 346 yards and three touchdowns as Texas routed Oklahoma State 36-10. McCoy set a UT record for TD passes in a season with 27, just two shy of the NCAA freshman season record. Colt further injected himself into the Heisman Trophy discussion and helped his Longhorns remain in the national championship race. His good fortune even spread to Texas fans, as television reports are claiming that Matthew McConaughey is the new football coach at Marshall.


On November 24, Colt McCoy will take his shot against the hated Texas A&M Aggies. Saturday, Hawaii’s Colt Brennan was on display against the Utah State Aggies, throwing for 413 yards and six touchdowns in a 63-10 domination. Brennan has a school record 39 TD passes on the season, with five games remaining to try to eclipse David Klingler’s NCAA single-season record of 54. Under coach June Jones, the Warriors annually pile up huge numbers through the air, but they have no shortage of skeptics when they travel to the mainland. Saturday’s rout in Logan, Utah is further evidence that Colt Brennan and his teammates can be lethal on the road as well. Therefore, it is time to discard the notion that the Warriors cannot succeed on the mainland – unless you’re talking about the NBA.


Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis noticed how successful Colts were over the weekend, so he has made a major addition to the roster before tonight’s game with the Seattle Seahawks. The team signed Colt Seavers, the character portrayed by Lee Majors in The Fall Guy. As a stunt man who moonlights as a bounty hunter, Seavers fits in well with the Raider image and should be a natural on special teams. Oakland passed on another Majors character, Steve Austin, because his habit of running and jumping in slow motion would be disastrous in today’s NFL. Austin still hopes to join another team, insisting that he can succeed as long as his teammates know how to make bionic sound effects.


Saturday and Sunday’s football action was surely enjoyed by the man who portrayed Lando Calrissian. Billy Dee Williams was the height of smoothness in his commercials for Colt 45. Over the weekend, his favorite beverage was not the only Colt that “works every time.”

Big East Denies Venue Change Request By Louisville For Rutgers Game

The University of Louisville was a festive place Thursday night as the fifth-ranked Cardinals topped #3 West Virginia 44-34 in an undefeated Big East football showdown. After the biggest win in school history, the program seems to be in prime position to reach the BCS national championship game on January 8. However, Louisville must travel to fellow unbeaten Rutgers next Thursday night. The Cardinals have already been dealt a setback, as the Big East has denied Louisville’s request to move the game to a neutral site.


Like last night’s contest, the Louisville-Rutgers matchup will be the weekly Thursday night ESPN game. The home team has won eight of the ten Thursday night ESPN matchups this season, including the last five in a row. In four of those last five, the road victim was a ranked team. With those factors in mind, Louisville requested that next Thursday’s showdown be moved to Pittsburgh – roughly halfway between the two schools. Coach Bobby Petrino pointed out that ESPN will be in Pittsburgh the following Thursday night as the Panthers host West Virginia. He argued that broadcasting from Heinz Field a week early would benefit the network, since the practice run would help the Pitt-West Virginia telecast go more smoothly.


However, Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese rejected the request, so Louisville must tackle the same challenge that befell last night’s victim at Papa John’s Cardinal Stadium. West Virginia hosted a Thursday night ESPN game on September 14, dominating Maryland 45-24. Things did not go so well when they were the Thursday night visitors this time. The Cardinals took control in the third quarter after returning a Steve Slaton fumble and a punt for touchdowns in short succession. Despite his 156 yards and a touchdown, Slaton’s night was marred by two lost fumbles, a wrist injury, and the knowledge that his national championship and Heisman Trophy hopes were gone. Even worse, he had completely forgotten to Tivo Grey’s Anatomy.


The Mountaineers’ neighbors in Virginia experienced similar highs and lows on Thursday nights. Virginia Tech fell from the rankings after a 22-3 setback at Boston College on October 12. They returned to the top 25 after dominating #10 Clemson 24-7 two Thursdays later in Blacksburg. Similarly, Virginia stood and watched the Calvin Johnson Show in Atlanta on September 21, falling 24-7 to Georgia Tech. Four Thursdays later in Charlottesville, the Cavaliers routed North Carolina 23-0. The victory was assured when UVA looked across the field and saw that they were playing UNC.


The only two Thursday night ESPN games to be won by the visitors both involved South Carolina. The Gamecocks won at Mississippi State 15-0 on August 31, but fell to Auburn 24-17 in Columbia on September 28. With that in mind, Petrino asked South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier if the Cardinals could borrow the Gamecocks’ uniforms for the Rutgers game. However, South Carolina will travel to Florida in a high-profile matchup next Saturday, so The Head Ball Coach did not want any further distractions. To latch onto any karma he can, Petrino plans to periodically throw a visor during the Rutgers game.


The Thursday night pattern contradicts the claim of the “Monday’s Child” nursery rhyme. Children learn that “Thursday’s child has far to go.” The line suggests that Thursday will belong to the team that travels the most distance. This example is further evidence that nursery rhymes show no understanding of college football. Therefore, ESPN has abandoned plans to add Mother Goose to its broadcast team.


Now Louisville must buck the odds as it travels to New Jersey to take on Greg Schiano’s Scarlet Knights. The Cardinals are not as fortunate as fellow unbeaten Boise State. The Broncos dominated Oregon State 42-14 on the blue turf in a Thursday night ESPN game on September 7. Since then, they’ve had a “TGINT” attitude for all their road games: Thank God It’s Not Thursday.

A Country Music-Themed Guide To College Basketball's Preseason Top 15

This Monday, excellence in country music will be celebrated at the 40th annual CMA Awards in Nashville. The festive occasion comes as college basketball fans gear up for another exciting season on campus. The preseason USA Today/ESPN Coaches’ Poll has already been released, offering an opportunity to combine these American institutions. Each of the top 15 teams relates in some way to a country music star of the past or present. Here is an analysis.


15. Boston College: Keith Urban. Married to Nicole Kidman, Urban can be overshadowed by the glamorous company he keeps. The solid, but under-the-radar Eagles get the same treatment around UNC and Duke.

14. Memphis: Garth Brooks. As a powerhouse stuck in Conference USA, John Calipari’s Tigers have “Friends In Low Places.”

13. Texas A&M: Merle Haggard. Haggard turned his life around after being released from prison. Aggie opponents will learn the same lesson about A&M’s backcourt star. You don’t want to be on the wrong side of the (Acie) Law.

12. Alabama: Alabama. I completely racked my brain coming up with that one. Ronald Steele will make sweet music in Tuscaloosa.

11. Duke: Charlie Daniels. He brought us “The Devil Went Down To Georgia,” and the Blue Devils hope to be in Georgia for the Final Four. Just in case, Coach K is devoting extra practice time to fiddling drills.

10. Arizona: The Judds. Another group of Wildcats is famously cheered on by a Judd. So Lute Olson decides that he can do even better with two of them.

9. Wisconsin: Tammy Wynette. Best known for “Stand By Your Man,” the late Wynette would have loved the tenacious defense of Bo Ryan’s Badgers.

8. Georgetown: Rosanne Cash. As the offspring of a famous father, Johnny Cash’s daughter would fit in well with coach John Thompson III and forward Patrick Ewing, Jr.

7. LSU: Big and Rich. After another stellar season in Baton Rouge, Glen Davis will soon be a Big AND Rich Baby.

5 (tie). UCLA: Dolly Parton. The Bruins’ revival has come under coach Ben Howland’s deliberate style, so “9 To 5” could be a halftime score.

5 (tie). Pittsburgh: The Dixie Chicks. The Panthers are expected to battle Georgetown for Big East supremacy. So like the Bush-bashing trio, they’ll make enemies in Washington.

4. Ohio State: Kenny Chesney. Like Chesney’s marriage to Renée Zellweger, Greg Oden’s partnership with the Buckeyes will last four months. Oden hopes to win a national title in his one season at OSU – the only way Maurice Clarett should ever be his role model.

3. Kansas: Sara Evans. Evans withdrew from Dancing With the Stars while still in competition. Similarly, KU’s past two seasons have resulted in premature exits from The Dance.

2. North Carolina: Kenny Rogers. You might have expected Faith Hill, as there is much faith in Chapel Hill among Tar Heel fans. But the name Kenny Rogers seems appropriate when “Tar” is mentioned.

1. Florida: Carrie Underwood. The American Idol winner hopes to be honored Monday for “Jesus Take the Wheel.” The defending champs also believe in Biblical guidance, being led by Noah.


We’re still many months away from knowing how the brackets will look. However, there could be a little bit of March Madness in Nashville on Monday. So don’t be too surprised if the award for Male Vocalist of the Year goes to George Mason.

Bush & Leinart Still Connected To USC - This Time In Misery

During the three seasons in which Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart were together at USC, adversity was a largely unknown term on campus. The two superstars combined for as many Heisman Trophies as losses. USC was a fixture in college football’s penthouse, with Bush and Leinart as the high-wattage faces of the program. Although the two stars have moved on to the NFL, it seems appropriate that they would share the same perspective as their school when things aren’t so rosy. After the Trojans endured a miserable Saturday, Bush and Leinart followed suit on Sunday.


USC’s national title aspirations took a huge hit with Saturday’s 33-31 loss at Oregon State, a program the Trojans had dominated for decades. Before this visit to Corvallis, USC had won 30 of 31 matchups between the schools since the Beavers shocked an O.J. Simpson-led powerhouse in 1967. After that upset, the school of The Glove (Gary Payton) was no match for the school of The Bloody Glove. The lopsided series was no surprise if you consider the naïve sitcom character made famous by Jerry Mathers. The Beaver would have no idea what to do with a pack of Trojans.


However, despite a stirring fourth quarter rally, the looming specter of Halloween doomed the third-ranked visitors on Saturday. The team in orange and black came out on top. Also, as if greeting trick-or-treaters, USC decided to give things away. Unfortunately, it was the football, not Snickers bars, that they kept handing over to OSU. The four turnovers kept USC from a fourth consecutive narrow escape in Pac-10 play. The Trojans had been in costume all month, merely dressing up as national championship contenders.


Bush’s New Orleans Saints had also specialized in close victories before this weekend. However, the Baltimore Ravens slowed the momentum of the Saints’ inspirational season with Sunday’s 35-22 win in the Superdome. Bush left in the fourth quarter with a sprained ankle, which he said will not keep him out of action next week. He rushed for just 16 yards on five carries against the vaunted Baltimore defense, adding four receptions for a mere five yards. He also coughed up a fumble and threw a halfback option pass that was intercepted by Ray Lewis in the end zone. The latter play, involving a star from the University of Miami, had an oddly familiar ring to it: A Hurricane caused havoc in New Orleans, and Bush did nothing about it.


Leinart also had a tough day in a 35-14 loss to the Green Bay Packers. The game was not the biggest story of the week for him, however, as he became a father on Tuesday. Former girlfriend Brynn Cameron gave birth to a new boy named Cole Cameron Leinart. According to a report from the delivery room, Cole entered the world after being shoved out of the uterus by a fetus with “619” eye black.


Fatherhood did not bring good luck at Lambeau Field on Sunday, as Cole’s dad completed just 14 of his 35 attempts. Leinart was also sacked four times to go with his one touchdown and one interception. The disappointing Cardinals have lost seven in a row, so coach Dennis Green is likely to be on the unemployment line before long. The only Green who fared worse this weekend was Bowling Green, who somehow lost to Temple. The phrase “USC loses, while Temple wins” has led millions of college football fans to suspect that they are being punk’d.


While this was a rough weekend for Trojans of the present and recent past, the outlook should brighten considerably next week. USC gets to take out its frustrations on winless Stanford. Bush, presumably back at full strength, faces the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who yielded his first NFL touchdown on October 8. And Leinart gets the best news of all. His Arizona Cardinals have the week off.

Los Angeles Angels of St. Louis Spark World Series Victory

In January 2005, Anaheim Angels owner Arte Moreno renamed the franchise the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. The cumbersome name drew widespread mockery from sports fans. Today a geographical adjustment would make the name completely appropriate. The Cardinals are the World Series champions, thanks to the Los Angeles Angels of St. Louis.


Friday night at Busch Stadium, the Cardinals defeated the Detroit Tigers 4-2 to capture the Fall Classic in five games. Shortstop David Eckstein, previously of the Angels, was named World Series MVP. Known for his boundless energy, the 5’7” Eckstein’s position is only half-correct. He is short, but he never stops. Eckstein now has two World Series rings, despite looking young enough to receive creepy emails from Mark Foley.


Game 5’s winning pitcher also came to St. Louis from Anaheim. Jeff Weaver pitched eight strong innings as part of an unlikely stellar postseason. Weaver was basically dumped by the Angels in July after going 3-10 with a 6.29 ERA to start the season. His spot in the Los Angeles rotation was taken by brother Jered, who enjoyed an excellent rookie campaign. Overshadowed by a star younger sibling, Jeff was the Johnny Drama of the Angels. On Friday night, however, he got to raise his arm and yell “Victory!” Fortunately, major league rules prohibited him from taking the mound in Viking Quest attire.


The turning point of the series came in game 3, after Detroit had tied the series at one game apiece. The first two runs of the Cardinals’ 5-0 triumph were driven in by outfielder Jim Edmonds, who was acquired from the Angels in 2000. In addition to his prowess at the plate, Edmonds is renowned for his outstanding play in centerfield. His highlight reel catches are particularly amazing to NFL coach Dennis Green, who rarely sees Cardinals playing great defense.


Angels general manager Bill Stoneman contributed to Anaheim’s 2002 World Series championship team. Since then, despite signing free agents such as Vladimir Guerrero and Bartolo Colón, he has often been criticized for being overly conservative in pulling the trigger on deals. However, Stoneman’s detractors were proven wrong by Friday’s celebration in St. Louis. He had accomplished what they said he couldn’t do: help build another World Series winner.


Scott Spiezio did not come directly from Anaheim to the Cardinals, having played for the Seattle Mariners in 2004 and 2005. However, he was a teammate of Eckstein on the Angels’ championship team. His heroics versus the New York Mets in the National League Championship Series brought back memories of his series-turning home run in Game 6 of the 2002 Fall Classic. In honor of his efforts, the Budweiser Clydesdales are now wearing red soul patches.


The Angels’ influence on the Cardinals is also seen in less obvious ways. Catcher Jose Molina has played in Anaheim for many years, as brother Bengie did before joining the Toronto Blue Jays this season. At some point it became trendy for major league clubs to have a catcher named Molina. Therefore, St. Louis eagerly drafted Yadier Molina, whose ninth inning home run won game 7 of the NLCS. Less successful were the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who failed to agree to terms with actor Alfred Molina.


The Cardinals’ triumph is not the first championship aided by an Anaheim-to-St. Louis pipeline. The Rams captured Super Bowl XXXIV in their fifth season since departing southern California. That dramatic victory inspired part of manager Tony La Russa’s strategy on Friday. If there had been a play at the plate in the top of the ninth inning, Mike Jones was ready to tackle the Detroit runner just short of home plate.


The Angels helped to make Busch Stadium a heavenly place on Friday. Although he was not needed, one other member of the Halos was available to help the home team. St. Louis did not trail after taking the lead in the fourth inning. But the Rally Monkey was ready for action, dressed in Cardinal red.

LeBron, Barry To Star In James Bonds Movie

Casino Royale is sure to draw major box office numbers upon its November 17 release. James Bond fans are eager to see how well Daniel Craig fills the shoes of Agent 007. Hoping to capitalize on the buzz, two sports superstars have announced that they will bring their own version of a suave action hero to the big screen. LeBron James and Barry Bonds will team up as a spy named James Bonds.


James Bonds is billed as the world’s top two-headed secret agent, with Barry’s head being the much larger of the two. LeBron and Barry have proven to be huge draws in arenas and ballparks, so they believe audiences will flock to the metroplex. The franchise players for the Cleveland Cavaliers and San Francisco Giants expect a franchise to arise from this character. No title has yet been named for the initial installment – appropriate, since both of their teams are in a long title drought. LeBron and Barry hope to avoid the disaster that befell a similar pairing of a young NBA star and controversial baseball record-setter - the notorious 1986 flop Olajuwon Rose Saves Wichita.


In addition to box office receipts, both players stand to benefit from the combination. LeBron hopes to follow the lead of Dwyane Wade, who experienced great success after teaming up with a veteran superstar from a team in California. Barry can improve his negative public image by joining forces with a charismatic, marketable young star. As it is, the only way his image can worsen is if he suits up as #81 for the Dallas Cowboys.


The two-headed aspect of the James Bonds character provides a comedic, buddy movie dimension. The LeBron head and the Barry head are stuck on the same body, but they constantly disagree. For example, the Barry head complains about walking too much, while the LeBron head responds, “Walking? I don’t even know what that means!” The two heads even differ on their agent number. The LeBron head claims to be part of Agent Triple-Double 07, while the Barry head counters that they are actually Agent Ground Rule Double 07.


The LeBron head does seem to get the more enjoyable end of the deal. The psychotic villains tend to address the Barry head, preferring the formal address of “Mr. Bonds.” On the other hand, the killer babes usually exclaim, “Oh James!” So the LeBron head gets most of the make-out action.


James Bonds experiences a mixture of sexy women and gunplay – in a classier way than Stephen Jackson. Like the Bond flicks, this movie will also feature numerous memorable villains. James Bonds will have to contend with the likes of Big Ben and The Rocket. The film’s producers are highly secretive with details about the main bad guy of the movie. However, online speculation is rampant that James Bonds will have to battle a shot-blocking San Francisco Chronicle reporter.


To help in the exploits against his enemies, James Bonds has numerous gadgets at his disposal. Gaping with wonder at the toys devised by scientists, Bonds exclaims, “Imagine that! Things created in a lab can give me a competitive advantage!” Most impressive of all are the character’s fancy automobiles. While Bond drives an Aston Martin, the cars of choice for James Bonds are the Kenyon Martin and the Pedro Martinez.


With Barry now in the off-season, filming will have to work around LeBron’s NBA schedule. During All-Star weekend in Las Vegas, the filmmakers plan to shoot plenty of footage in the casinos. James Bonds will be appropriately dapper, with LeBron and Barry squeezing into a tuxedo. However, the character won’t be ordering a “shaken, not stirred” vodka martini. The LeBron head will take a Sprite. And the Barry head will opt for the juice.

Potential Alumni Candidates For UNC Football Job

Sunday evening, North Carolina athletic director Dick Baddour announced that football coach John Bunting will be relieved of his duties at season’s end. The decision has been anticipated for quite some time, as the Tar Heels’ dismal 1-6 season has dropped Bunting’s cumulative UNC coaching record to 25-42. While disapproving of Bunting’s job performance, most Carolina fans appreciate the love and enthusiasm the UNC alumnus has shown toward his alma mater.


It is likely that the next coach will come from outside the Tar Heel family. However, numerous well-known individuals who attended Carolina could be intriguing candidates. Julius Peppers, Willie Parker, and others are busy with the NFL at the moment, and the same is true for NBA notables such as Rasheed Wallace and Vince Carter. However, perhaps one of these prominent Tar Heels will be available for duty in Kenan Stadium next fall.


Lewis Black: With the Daily Show correspondent in charge, players would be unfazed by hostile crowds. He’s louder than any opposing stadium.

Larry Brown: The last time UNC football was led by a Coach Brown, the Tar Heels were in the top 10. Larry would also be successful, as long as Isiah Thomas isn’t in charge of recruiting.

Billy Crudup: His voiceovers could inspire the quarterbacks: “Completing a pass to a player on your own team: Priceless.”

Rick Dees: Right now Bunting is a lame duck. So it would be fitting to replace him with the guy who brought us “Disco Duck.”

Matt Doherty: The football team is usually in the shadow of the Carolina hoopsters. Doherty has proven that he can divert fans’ attention from the basketball team.

John Edwards: The law school alum is also an NC State grad, so he could be up for Chuck Amato’s job as well. He should not have John Kerry on his staff - together, they can’t win in the south.

Louise Fletcher: As Nurse Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, she kept the nutcases under control. Actually, they need her more at Miami.

Peter Gammons: He could take his Baseball Tonight colleagues with him, with John Kruk as the conditioning coach.

Andy Griffith: As the team runs onto the field, the theme from his show would play instead of “Hell’s Bells.”

Mia Hamm: She’s already a football champion, to most of the world. Plus, she’s well-prepared to deal with injuries, being married to Nomar Garciaparra.

Marion Jones: She’d instill a sense of teamwork, since she supposedly knows a lot about chemistry.

Michael Jordan: If the ground game falters, Carolina could always look to the Air.

Davis Love III: He’d help the defense get some rest, since he specializes in long drives.

Kevin Martin: The FCC chairman could slow down opposing offenses by imposing a five-second delay.

Jack Palance: If he could toughen up Billy Crystal in City Slickers, he should do wonders with special teams.

Stuart Scott: He would never let the team forget its identity, since he insists on shouting “Tar Heel” every other sentence.

Lawrence Taylor: The Hall of Fame linebacker could provide memories of UNC’s last ACC championship season in 1980. For fans, but not for himself – he was too high to remember any of that.

James Worthy: He’s called “Big Game James,” so for the first time in ages, you’d hear the phrase “Big Game” in Kenan Stadium.


In the meantime, Bunting will coach five more games until the season-ender at Duke. In baseball terms, his name gives an indication that his coaching tenure was not destined for greatness. You can’t hit a home run if you’re Bunting.

St. Louis vs. Detroit: A World Series Breakdown

Tomorrow night begins the third World Series in history between the Detroit Tigers and the St. Louis Cardinals. The Cardinals won in 1934, and the Tigers took their turn on top in 1968. This season, both clubs struggled down the stretch before rebounding in the postseason. These playoffs have been rather unpredictable, but the following analysis sheds some light on what to expect in the Fall Classic.


Ballparks: The Cardinals play in the newest Busch Stadium, while the Tigers call Comerica Park home. If you’re hosting a party for the game, you can’t have a keg of Comerica. Advantage: St. Louis

Wildness: The Tigers are a wild card, but the Cards are not a wild tiger. Advantage: Detroit

Sports-Related City Nicknames: St. Louis is well-suited for the Fall Classic as “Baseball City USA.” Detroit is at a disadvantage as “Hockeytown,” since commissioner Bud Selig has prohibited the use of a Zamboni between innings. Advantage: St. Louis

Ed McMahon: Johnny Carson’s sidekick was born in Detroit. So unfortunately for the Tigers, the city embraces second bananas. Advantage: St. Louis

Rocky III: Rocky used the Eye of the Tiger to defeat Clubber Lang. The Eye of the Cardinal doesn’t intimidate anyone. Advantage: Detroit

Gibsons: Bob Gibson was the World Series MVP for St. Louis in both 1964 and 1967, but his Cardinals fell to the Tigers in 1968. For Detroit, Kirk Gibson won a World Series more recently, as his game 5 home run put away the San Diego Padres in 1984. According to St. Louis skipper Tony LaRussa, no Kirk Gibson highlight could ever top that one. Advantage: Detroit

Vatican City: Tigers don’t get to elect a pope, but Cardinals do. Advantage: St. Louis

College Spies: In Division 1-A, there are Missouri Tigers. But there are no Michigan Cardinals. Advantage: Detroit

2005 Conference USA Basketball Tournament: The Cardinals (Louisville) edged the Tigers (Memphis) 75-74 for the title. Detroit will be in trouble if this series comes down to free throws. Advantage: St. Louis

Guys Named Louis: St. Louis is named after Louis IX, the only king of France to be made a saint. But Detroit’s Joe Louis would pummel that French pansy. Advantage: Detroit

Rivers: Detroit is appropriately bounded by the Detroit River. But even though Missouri does not border Mississippi, St. Louis lies along the Mississippi River. Do they take us for fools? Advantage: Detroit

Charles Lindbergh: Lucky Lindy was born in Detroit. But the Spirit of St. Louis got him to Paris - after a layover at JFK. Advantage: St. Louis

Movies: Judy Garland delighted audiences in Meet Me in St. Louis. But there’s no way she could compete in 8 Mile, rapping off against Eminem. Advantage: Detroit

Roy Williams: In 2005, North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams won a national championship in St. Louis. Lions receiver Roy Williams has no hope for a title in Detroit. He’d settle for one shining moment. Advantage: St. Louis

Music: St. Louis has been a hotbed for the blues and other forms of music, but it can’t compete with Motown. There’s also “Detroit Rock City,” which has often inspired Tigers manager Jim Leyland to wear Kiss makeup in the dugout. Advantage: Detroit

New York, New York: Both World Series participants eliminated a New York team. But the Cardinals had to beat the one without A-Rod. Advantage: St. Louis

2005 World Series: Last year, the winner was an AL Central club with a Guillen (Ozzie). Detroit’s Carlos Guillen hopes that the White Sox started a trend. Just to be safe, he should regularly make comments that offend people. Advantage: Detroit


Tallying up the results, it’s Detroit 9, St. Louis 8. So the Tigers will win a tight series, which goes the full 17 games.

New Slogans For the Raiders

Since a blowout loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers in Super Bowl XXXVII, the once-mighty Oakland Raiders have fallen to the bottom of the NFL. For many years, owner Al Davis has defined the franchise with proud slogans such as “Commitment to excellence” and “Just win, baby.” However, in light of the team’s current futility, it may be time to replace those slogans. Below are some possibilities to consider.


Commitment to excrement

Just wince, baby

Sick of the A's losing in the playoffs? Not a problem with us!

Sweet 0 and 16

Art Shell? More like Art’s Hell

The Stanford of the NFL

Nothing escapes from the Black Hole - except for victorious opponents

Our quarterback is on his back more than Paris Hilton

Once it was Howie Long – now it’s 4th and long

We would go back to LA, but they want an NFL team

The Spirit of ’76 – the ’76 Buccaneers

Love giveaways? Check out our offense!

We’re owned by Al Davis, but play like Weird Al Yankovic

An errant toss, a fit from Moss, another blowout loss

Helping opposing players win your fantasy league!

We’re number 1 – in next April’s draft!

We don’t have Madden anymore, but we are cursed

If you thought Iraq was a nation in disarray, check out Raider Nation!


In addition to the slogans, the team’s logo should also change. The Raider figure is currently wearing an eye patch. Now he is demanding that his other eye be covered as well.

Detroit & Auburn Tigers Delight Michigan Sports Fans

According to the Chinese zodiac, 2006 is the year of the dog. The year of the tiger will not arrive until 2010. However, October has clearly been the month of the Tiger for sports fans in Michigan. Tigers from Detroit and Auburn have brought great joy to the state over the past two weekends.


Last Saturday, the Detroit Tigers captured their first postseason series victory since 1984, stunning the favored New York Yankees in the American League Division Series. Simply appearing in the playoffs was a tremendous accomplishment for the franchise, three years removed from an abysmal 43-119 season. In 2003, the idea of the Tigers beating the Bronx Bombers in a playoff series was laughable. However, the post-game celebration in Comerica Park showed an image that seemed even more ridiculous to music fans: a successful pairing of Kenny Rogers and Motown.


The celebration was even better for Detroit yesterday. Magglio Ordonez slammed a walk-off home run to cap a 6-3 victory and a four-game sweep of the Oakland A’s in the American League Championship Series. The euphoria that ensued was ironic in light of the recipient of the ALCS MVP award: Placido Polanco, whose first name is Spanish for “calm.” However, skipper Jim Leyland is an even bigger reason the World Series will be opening in Detroit next Saturday. The name Leyland is translated as “chain-smoker who manages his tail off.”


In addition to the nearby Tigers on the diamond, fans in Ann Arbor have also benefited from the gridiron Tigers from Auburn the past two Saturdays. Last week, the second-ranked Tigers did Michigan a favor by falling flat against Arkansas, 27-10. However, yesterday they rebounded to take down new #2 Florida, 27-17. The second spot in the rankings has proven to be very unlucky, as Notre Dame and Texas also fell from that perch in September. This college football season would be perfect for Dr. Evil, who consistently disrespected Number 2.


Thanks to the Auburn Tigers’ results the past two weeks, Michigan controls its own destiny for a spot in the BCS national championship game. The Wolverines are likely to be third in the initial BCS rankings, but they will have the opportunity to jump ahead of #1 Ohio State when the teams meet November 18 in Columbus. Despite the absence of injured star Mario Manningham, Lloyd Carr’s unit stayed undefeated with Saturday’s 17-10 road victory over the Penn State Nittany Lions. The game represented a familiar sight for sports fans in Michigan: a football game lost by the Lions.


The downtrodden NFL franchise in Detroit has noticed the positive effect of Tigers on local sports fans. The Lions are hoping to sign a beloved Tiger who hails from Michigan. However, management is reportedly far from an agreement with Battle Creek native Tony the Tiger. The cereal icon apparently remains skeptical about the team’s commitment to winning, remarking, “They’re grrreatly disappointing!”


The sports world’s most famous Tiger is not in action this weekend. However, in a few years Tiger Woods is expected to provide another reason for Michigan sports fans to celebrate. It is only a matter of time before Woods wins his 19th major championship to surpass the record of Jack Nicklaus. Tiger will therefore accomplish exactly what the Wolverines hope to do in The Horseshoe next month: knock the Ohio State Buckeyes from the top.

How The NFL Relates To Thursday Night TV

Tonight on Fox, the New York Mets and St. Louis Cardinals begin the National League Championship Series. At first glance, the other networks do not appear to feature sports in their Thursday night lineups. However, a closer look reveals that the shows on ABC, CBS, CW, and NBC all address this weekend’s action in the National Football League. Here’s how the NFL relates to each series, listed by Eastern and Pacific times.


ABC:

8:00 Ugly Betty: Insulting name applied by Tennessee Titans defenders to Washington Redskins running back Ladell Betts.

9:00 Gray’s Anatomy: The NFC West showdown between the Seattle Seahawks and the St. Louis Rams has an unexpected disruption. Seattle guard Chris Gray suddenly goes streaking, displaying his anatomy to the entire Edward Jones Dome.

10:00 Six Degrees: The expected game-time temperature in Denver for the Broncos’ Sunday night matchup with Oakland.

CBS:

8:00 Survivor: Detroit Lions president Matt Millen continues to survive despite another poor start. But the fans have reason for optimism this weekend. The Tigers are on a roll.

9:00 CSI: With some rare free time during their bye week, the Colts Savor Indianapolis. Coach Tony Dungy encourages players to enjoy the city, as long as they don’t go to strip clubs with the Indiana Pacers.

10:00 Shark: A hockey player in San Jose, where fans of the Oakland Raiders and San Francisco 49ers can see a local sports team with a chance to win.

CW:

8:00 Smallville: Commissioner Roger Goodell stuns Los Angeles by revealing his preferred location for an NFL franchise.

9:00 Supernatural: Roy “The Natural” Hobbs suits up for the Houston Texans against the Dallas Cowboys. An improbable Super Bowl run begins.

NBC:

8:00 My Name Is Earl: What Arizona Cardinals quarterback Matt Leinart says to the team doctor on Monday night after too many sacks by the Chicago Bears.

8:30 The Office: Where most of the workaholic NFL coaches will be sleeping this weekend.

9:00 Deal Or No Deal: Numerous Cincinnati Bengals check in with their attorneys regarding plea bargain options.

10:00 ER: Ed Reed looks to get his Baltimore Ravens back on the winning track against the Carolina Panthers. ER will go on for years, even after numerous stars leave him.

Things That A-Rod Won't Be Doing This October

The American League Championship Series kicks off in Oakland Tuesday night, as the A’s take on the Detroit Tigers. However, the most notable storyline for many observers is the absence of the New York Yankees. Many Bronx Bombers failed to deliver against Detroit, but a 1-for-14 series ensured that Alex Rodriguez would bear the brunt of the fans’ wrath yet again.


The Yankees’ elimination means that A-Rod will spend another October without playing in the World Series. The Fall Classic is not the only activity from which he’ll be excluded this month. Here are just a few other things that A-Rod won’t be doing this October.


Organize a Columbus Day celebration. The person in charge needs to have experience with parades.

Attend a Halloween party. Bobbing for apples is fun, but A-Rod just can’t connect with The Big Apple.

Play football for Arkansas. The Razorbacks can win a big road game against the Tigers.

Advertise for L’Oréal. No one would believe him when he says, “Because I’m worth it.”

Prepare taxes. He is known as a numbers guy, but only through September.

Star in a Broadway musical. The productions require leading men who draw applause in New York.

Host Jeopardy! On this show, someone actually wins in the presence of a guy named Alex.

Become an assassin. He’s completely unqualified to be a hit man.

Extend Daylight Savings Time. For A-Rod, October is always the time to “fall back.”

Conduct séances. They require the ability to make contact.

Become president of the Lions. A-Rod could not accomplish what Matt Millen has done: get Detroit to lose.

Enter a beer-chugging contest. Participants need to be able to put away pitchers.

Join The E Street Band. They also work for The Boss, but they get a jam-packed stadium to cheer for them.

Write a dating advice column. He’s not the guy to tell people how to get to first base.

Visit a national park. Rangers are relieved not to have him around.

Serve as best man at a wedding. He would have no idea what to do with a ring.


While Rodriguez will not participate in any of those activities, there are two things he might do: suck his thumb and carry a blanket with him. Each October, he has a kindred spirit in Linus van Pelt. Like The Great Pumpkin for Linus, the World Series never manages to arrive for A-Rod.

Why NC State Beat Florida State Again

North Carolina State football fans have made no secret of their displeasure with the program’s recent mediocrity under coach Chuck Amato. However, Thursday night brought Amato the surest source of relief: the Florida State Seminoles. The Wolfpack topped FSU 24-20 for their fourth victory in six seasons over the visitors from Tallahassee. NC State’s consistent success against Bobby Bowden’s teams is surprising to many. Thursday’s victory is due to numerous reasons, noted as follows.


Top 25 Polls: NCSU’s victory over the #17 Seminoles was preceded by one over Boston College, #20 at the time. The Wolfpack’s other triumph came over Appalachian State, #2 in Division 1-AA. Losses to Akron and Southern Mississippi prove that NCSU can only beat opponents who are ranked.

Duke: The Blue Devils are the opposition for FSU next week. Clearly the Seminoles were caught looking ahead to that one.

National League Playoffs: A boneheaded base-running play by FSU’s J.D. Drew cost the Dodgers in game one versus the Mets, showing that bad things were in store this week for Seminoles named Drew. NCSU’s DaJuan Morgan salted the game away by picking off Drew Weatherford, amazingly after intercepting Jeff Kent on the same play.

The Karate Kid: The inspirational 1984 film showed that a young underdog named Daniel could triumph. Thursday, Wolfpack quarterback Daniel Evans won his second career start, silencing critics of his unorthodox “wax on, wax off” throwing motion.

Hurricanes: The Stanley Cup champion Carolina Hurricanes were honored at the game. Title-winning Hurricanes always bring pain to the Seminoles.

ACC Championship Game: The loss makes FSU unlikely to play for the conference title. The players are relieved, as the extra game would have distracted them from their academics.

Miller Lite: Former FSU player Burt Reynolds presides over the Men of the Square Table. The Wolfpack took revenge against his school, because he did not invite anyone from NC State to help determine the Man Laws.

Halloween: Every NCSU player was confident Thursday, because you would expect a Wolf to thrive on an October night. There just aren’t many good horror movies about Seminoles.

Out-Of-State Travel: Thursday was FSU’s first game this year outside Florida. The Noles try to limit such trips, as the courts have forbidden many of the players from crossing state borders.

UNC-Miami: Amato’s victory keeps his critics quiet for now. Therefore, the ACC hot seat can focus all its attention on the Orange Bowl this Saturday, ready for Miami’s Larry Coker and UNC’s John Bunting.

Sam Cassell: The guard from FSU provided a huge boost to the Los Angeles Clippers last season. However, they lost each road game in which a Carter (Vince, Anthony) or Finley (Michael) played for the opponent. So the Seminoles were doomed as visitors to Carter-Finley Stadium.

State Capitals: Both universities are located in capital cities. When you got tested on state capitals in school, there’s a good chance you came up with Raleigh. But admit it, you missed on Tallahassee, didn’t you?

Whitney Houston: Her divorce filing has made life rough on Bobby Bowden. Oh wait, that’s Bobby Brown – never mind.

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Last December in Charlotte, the Pack shut out South Florida. Thursday continued their success in North Carolina against the Sunshine State, although they didn’t get free oil changes this time.

NFL Starting Quarterbacks: NCSU’s Philip Rivers has a 96.9 quarterback rating, compared to 75.8 for FSU’s Brad Johnson. Coincidentally, they achieved those same scores on Dancing With the Stars.


NC State looks to continue the momentum next Saturday against Wake Forest. If the criticism of Amato wanes, one person will be even more relieved than Chuck the Chest: athletic director Lee Fowler. After this past spring, the last thing he wants is another coaching search.

Florida Adds Chicago Bears To Schedule

Gainesville is abuzz these days as the 5-0 Florida Gators embark on a huge October. The fifth-ranked Gators will be tested with showdowns throughout the month. Now the slate has gotten even more challenging. Today coach Urban Meyer announced that Florida has added an October 21 matchup with the Chicago Bears to the schedule.


The additional game rounds out a daunting October for the Gators. This Saturday, they host #9 LSU. The following week, they travel to Auburn to take on the second-ranked Tigers. October 28 brings the annual hostilities in Jacksonville with #10 Georgia. With all that excitement, the open date on the 21st stuck out like a sore thumb. Therefore, athletic department officials looked for the best opponent available, and that weekend happened to coincide with the bye on Chicago’s schedule. Coach Lovie Smith agreed to take his Monsters of the Midway to The Swamp. Now the marketing department for UF football is billing October as “Bulldogs and Tigers and Bears – Oh My!”


Many NFL insiders are stunned that Chicago would choose to play the game. With the physical toll on players during the course of the season, the bye week allows a valuable opportunity to rest and recover from injuries. However, the 4-0 Bears are considered major contenders for the Super Bowl, to be played in Miami. The trip to Gainesville will allow them to get acclimated to playing in the Sunshine State. Also, the following two games on Chicago’s schedule are matchups at home versus the San Francisco 49ers and Miami Dolphins. So those are basically bye weeks anyway.


The game’s predominant storyline will be the return of Bears quarterback and former Gator Rex Grossman to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Grossman has been excellent so far this season, as Soldier Field’s long-standing ban on quality quarterbacks has apparently been lifted. UF is also well-represented on Chicago’s fearsome defense with end Alex Brown, nose tackle Ian Scott, and safety Todd Johnson. Florida quarterback Chris Leak is hoping that their love for the university will cause them to go easy on him, allowing him to rack up big numbers and enhance his Heisman chances. Unfortunately for Leak, however, Brian Urlacher went to New Mexico.


The showdown will represent the most anticipated Florida-Chicago matchup since the 2003 National League Championship Series. Windy City fans will be eager for payback, having experienced heartbreak as the Marlins overcame a 3-1 deficit to end the Cubs’ World Series dreams. Inspired by that series, Meyer has invited Steve Bartman to suit up as a defensive back for the Gators. The Florida coach feels that Bartman can consistently deflect balls away from Chicago players.


At first glance, it may seem absurd for a college team to take the field against a Super Bowl contender like the Bears. The Gators’ task is even more daunting in light of Chicago’s 37-6 mauling of the defending NFC champion Seattle Seahawks. However, Florida has many reasons for being confident about an upset. The Gators have already won at Tennessee, where a team called the Bears (California) was thrashed. Also, while a bear usually would be expected to win a fight against a gator, the one place a gator has a chance is in The Swamp.


Most importantly, Florida is certain that it can take advantage of Chicago cornerback Ricky Manning, Jr. He played college football at UCLA, a school that in April was blown out by Florida in a notable sporting event. Also, despite a home loss to Ole Miss in 2003, the Gators are always eager to welcome a Manning to The Swamp.


Florida will have its hands full before then with LSU and Auburn. After those SEC showdowns, most prognosticators will expect the Bears to have their way on October 21. If the Gators do lose that day, they can take solace from a November visitor to Gainesville – South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier. That Gator couldn’t beat NFL teams, either.

Dick Vitale Assesses the MLB Division Series

The NCAA basketball season doesn’t tip off until next month, but college hoops icon Dick Vitale is animated as always about the sports world. Also an avid fan of the other “b-ball,” Dickie V is particularly excited about the major league division series. He shared his thoughts in the following interview.


Interviewer: Dickie V, thanks for appearing with us. Let’s start with the NL East champion New York Mets. They cruised to the best record in the National League, but the Los Angeles Dodgers come into Shea Stadium on a roll. How do you see this series shaping up?

Dick Vitale: It’s gonna be super, scintillating, sensational! The Dodgers in the Big Apple – just like their Brooklyn days, baby! When Duke Snider was a PTP’er in centerfield! The fans just loved watching Duke in New York, baby! Which I’ll do December 21 as the Dukies take on Gonzaga in Madison Square Garden! It’s gonna be awesome, baby!

I: Okay…, but there will be plenty of time to talk about the Blue Devils later. Staying in New York, the Yankees are heavy favorites versus the Detroit Tigers. Does Detroit have a chance against the Bronx Bombers?

DV: Justin Verlander was a diaper dandy on the mound this season! And Jim Leyland did an unbelievable job managing that team. But he’s no Coach K, baby! The Yankees are just like the Dukies – everyone loves to hate them because they win, baby! And that lineup – are you serious? It all starts with Johnny Damon, which sounds like Johnny Dawkins - part of an unbelievable coaching staff with Wojo and Chris Collins! They’ll be flat-out awesome as head coaches, baby!

I: Dick, we’re supposed to be talking about baseball here. We all know how you feel about Duke basketball, but please stay on topic. Now…, the St. Louis Cardinals really struggled down the stretch. Can they recover in San Diego against the Padres?

DV: You gotta love Albert Pujols - an All-Rolls Roycer on the diamond, baby!

I: Okay, that’s better…

DV: But I have to go with the Padres and my favorite player, Mike Cameron! His name combines two of my favorite things – Mike Krzyzewski and the Cameron Crazies! The Cardinals have great fans, but they don’t compare to those wackos in Durham, baby! Such enthusiasm! And with perfect SAT scores – they even cured cancer and brought peace to the Middle East, baby!

I: That is completely ridiculous! What world are you living in? Ugggh, why do I even bother? Let’s just get through this. The fourth series pits the Minnesota Twins against the Oakland A’s.

DV: Frank Thomas is awesome for Oakland, baby! He’s the Big Hurt, which is what Josh McRoberts will be in the paint this year! You gotta love the Athletics, ‘cause they remind us that Duke is all that’s right with college athletics…

I: Okay, I’ve heard enough. This was just a waste of…

DV: But the Twins are my pick to hoist the World Series trophy, baby! Johan Santana is a special, special pitcher! And that home crowd will be a huge advantage, going bananas in Minneapolis…

I: Finally! Some actual analysis of the postseason – was that so hard?

DV: It’ll be celebration city in the Metrodome, baby!

I: Okay. Well…

DV: Just like when the Dukies cut down the nets there in ’92 and ’01! Hey, somebody call Christian Laettner! Somebody call Shane Battier! It’ll be just like Durham in the Twin Cities, baby…

I: That’s it! We’re done here!


The interviewer quickly gathered his things and left the scene. Vitale continued to scream, “Coach K is awesome, baby!” while bystanders avoided eye contact. Security soon escorted him from the premises.