Kentucky Derby Horses & Their Sports Inspirations

Churchill Downs is abuzz this week for the latest edition of the Kentucky Derby. The Run For The Roses may not be as popular among casual sports fans these days, but the 20-horse field should have especially broad appeal this year. Amazingly, the name of every entrant was inspired by something in the sports world. In order of Saturday’s post positions, here’s a rundown. Feel free to fix yourself a mint julep before proceeding.


1. Visionaire: Shaq answers two questions: “What is a synonym for sight?” and “What do your free throws hit?”

2. Big Truck: How the Big Hurt left Toronto.

3. Colonel John: Recovered from his 1974 surgery, Tommy John joins the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels.

4. Z Fortune: Carlos Zambrano discusses his contract.

5. Pyro: Someone who’s consistently responsible for things going up in flames. Also known as Isiah Thomas.

6. Eight Belles: What Roger Clemens takes home from a country music show.

7. Anak Nakal: Doubles partner of Rafael Nadal.

8. Court Vision: Tennis great Margaret visits her eye doctor.

9. Z Humor: Žydrūnas Ilgauskas pulls a locker room prank.

10. Monba: Kobe Bryant’s nickname in Jamaica.

11. Smooth Air: Michael Jordan reflects on his performance outside the front office.

12. Adriano: Usually seen as “Adrian O,” it’s what Peterson provides the Vikings.

13. Bob Jack Black: Colts’ Sanders is introduced to the School of Rock star.

14. Denis of Cork: One-third of a baseball cheating trio, along with Denis of Steroids and Denis of Sandpaper.

15. Cowboy Cal: Ripken signs with Dallas as he launches a bid to break Brett Favre’s record for consecutive starts.

16. Big Brown: Cleveland offensive tackle Joe Thomas.

17. Tale of Ekati: Ekati claims, “My trainer said it was flaxseed oil.”

18. Cool Coal Man: Replacing an injured Pat White, an anonymous coal miner leads West Virginia to the Big East title.

19. Recapturetheglory: Thecelticswintheir17thchampionship.

20. Gayego: What Rudy must sometimes subvert for the good of the Grizzlies.

Some Extra Mustard For Your Monday

For the second time this month, I'm featured in si.com's popular Extra Mustard section! My "Ten More Longs For The First Round" is one of today's Hot Clicks. Check out today's Extra Mustard for further details - if you ever get past the Houston Texans cheerleaders at the top. Thanks to Jimmy Traina and Extra Mustard!

Ten More Longs For The First Round

The NFL draft begins Saturday at 3:00pm Eastern time. The Miami Dolphins have already decided to make Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long the #1 overall pick. Soon to go after him, possibly as high as #2, will be Virginia defensive end Chris Long. Chris’s father Howie Long was taken in round two in 1981, but this year’s first round will be all about the Longs. Beyond Jake and Chris, look for these other Longs to be chosen in round one.


3. Atlanta Falcons: Nia Long. The Third Watch star goes third, and as in Big Momma’s House, she’ll be set in Georgia. To make her feel at home, the Falcons’ staff will wear wigs and fat suits.

6. New York Jets: Justin Long. The Mac pitchman should feel at home near the Big Apple.

7. New England Patriots: Shelley Long. Her glory days on Cheers were set in Boston. Coincidentally, most of those shows were secretly filmed on the opponent’s sideline.

9. Cincinnati Bengals: Amy Fisher (“Long Island Lolita”). She knows how to handle a gun, so it’s a perfect fit.

10. New Orleans Saints: Huey Long. The political legend from Louisiana has been dead since 1935. But his home state team has rarely shown much life, either.

12. Denver Broncos: Lionel Richie (“All Night Long”). The team led by Vanderbilt’s Jay Cutler picks another former leader of The Commodores.

13. Carolina Panthers: Jay Bilas. He has to be included in any draft in which the word “Long” is constantly used.

16. Arizona Cardinals: Long Duk Dong. The character from Sixteen Candles goes at #16. His habit of drunkenly falling out of trees drops him from the top 10.

21. Washington Redskins: Long Dong Silver. A porn star made famous during the Clarence Thomas confirmation process, he becomes a big name in DC once again.

23. Pittsburgh Steelers: Long John Silver. He was actually a Pirate, but this is a way better team to play for in Pittsburgh.

NBA Playoffs Guide, From A To Z

The regular season is over, so 16 teams still have dreams of an NBA championship. Well, I’m not sure the Hawks can even dream of a title, but you get the point. Here’s an A-To-Z look at the NBA postseason.


American: Company whose name is on the Mavericks’ home arena, even though their best player is German and their owner is Cuban.

Benedict XVI: Pope who will perform before huge crowds in New York this weekend. So you know he’s not on the Knicks.

Coaches: Men on the sideline who, every once in a while, get their players to listen to them. Most of them won’t have this job for long.

DUI: Abbreviation attached to a Nuggets star this week, so I think it stands for “Don’t Underestimate Iverson!”

Eleven: Games ahead of playoff-bound Atlanta for Golden State, which missed the postseason. Coach Don Nelson is pleading, “Oakland’s on the East Bay – shouldn’t we be in the Eastern Conference?”

Fifth: Seed you get in the Western Conference after winning 22 games in a row.

Go-To Guy: What every championship-caliber team needs. “Go-To” is short for “Go to the line,” since he’ll get all the calls.

Howard Stern: Not the radio guy. I just wanted to mention the slam dunk contest winner and the commissioner in the same entry.

Ignore: What casual sports fans will do to you when you win 59 games, if you’re the Pistons.

June: When the Finals will end. Or the first round, I’m not sure.

KG: Not only Kevin Garnett in Boston, but Kobe-Gasol in LA. Which also means “Kwame’s Gone” and “Kupchak’s Grateful.”

Languages: Like championship rings, there are lots of them in the Spurs’ locker room.

Magic: Orlando or Johnson, who along with Larry Bird will be shown a BILLION times in old clips if that Lakers-Celtics series materializes.

NBA TV: A network that’s unfamiliar to most people. Which is why much of the Toronto-Orlando series has been banished there.

O’Neal, Shaquille: Like John McCain, he’s an old guy representing Arizona who wants to win the big prize.

Paul: Whether last name (Chris) or first (Pierce), he’s a star on a highly-seeded team you haven’t seen at this time of year lately.

Quarter Century: Time it’s been since the 76ers won the title – the last pro sports championship in Philadelphia. Clearly, those bitter Pennsylvanians referenced by Obama are Philly sports fans.

Raptors: A Canadian team that won’t win the championship, so it would be at home in the NHL.

Stu Jackson: A name the Suns really don’t want to hear during THIS series with the Spurs.

T-Mobile Ads: The only way you’ll see a Miami Heat player during the postseason.

Utah: Franchise hoping for its first Finals appearance since 1998, when Salt Lake City teams were runner-up in both the NBA and NCAA. I’m guessing Memphis won’t repeat that feat this year.

Viewership: Great for ABC when broadcasting Tony Parker’s wife. Not so much when broadcasting Tony Parker’s team.

Woods, Tiger: Unlike LeBron James, he’s a Nike superstar who can win championships by himself.

X-ray: Like throwing his jersey into the crowd, it’s part of Gilbert Arenas’s post-game ritual.

Youth: Something most middle-aged men desire, unless they’re NBA general managers in search of a championship.

Zilch: Playoff series won by Tracy McGrady in six attempts. But as the old saying goes, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try again.”

Green Jacket & Similar Awards

Sunday in Augusta, South African Trevor Immelman completed a three-stroke victory at The Masters. In relegating Tiger Woods to second place, Immelman claimed the prestigious Green Jacket. As Jim Nantz tells us every spring, the coveted blazer is part of what makes this tournament “a tradition unlike any other.” But what if the Green Jacket weren’t so unique in the sports world? Here’s a look at similar awards that could be given for certain honors.


Top NFL defensive back: Darrell Green Jacket

Leader in NHL penalty minutes: Mean Jacket

Outstanding Indiana basketball player: Crean Jacket

Outstanding North Carolina basketball player: Dean Jacket

Chris Berman broadcasting award: Leather Jacket

Best MLB closer, in honor of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn: Sheen Jacket

Athlete most photographed by paparazzi: Scene Jacket

Ricky Williams running back award: Smoking Jacket

Women’s singles champion at U.S. Open: Billie Jean Jacket

Top player in Oakland A’s organization: Beane Jacket

Athlete with best rendition of We Are The Champions: Queen Jacket

Most accurate driver on PGA Tour: Straight Jacket

Best athlete under the age of 20: Teen Jacket

Award claimed by Lance Armstrong, but no one in France believes him: Clean Jacket

Outstanding athlete at Georgia Tech: Yellow Jacket

NBA leader in setting picks: Screen Jacket

Best performance by an athlete in a heart-warming Coke commercial: Mean Joe Greene Jacket

Award for anyone who joins Augusta National: Members-Only Jacket

Chalmers & Other Marios

Thanks to the biggest three-pointer of his life, Kansas guard Mario Chalmers is on top of the sports world today. Chalmers sent the NCAA championship game into overtime against Memphis, with his Jayhawks ultimately prevailing 75-68. The “Super Mario” label is both obvious and fitting in this situation. How does Chalmers compare to other famous Marios? Let’s take a look.


Mario Lopez: Slater on Saved By the Bell.
Mario Chalmers: Jayhawks’ savior before the buzzer.

Mario Elie: Won a championship with San Antonio in 1999.
Mario Chalmers: Won a championship in San Antonio in 2008.

Mario Chalmers: Shoots the ball into the net and gets steals.
Mario Lemieux: Shot the puck into the net in the Steel City.

Mario Mendoza: Mendoza Line inspiration who knew all about futility.
Mario Chalmers: Cousin Lionel knew all about futility, playing for the Clippers.

Mario Lavandeira (aka Perez Hilton): Preys on celebrities’ self-esteem.
Mario Chalmers: Praised and esteemed by Bill Self.

Mario Chalmers: Cold-blooded shooter at the end of regulation.
Mario Puzo: Godfather author who wrote about cold-blooded shooters.

Mario (the singer): Competitor on this season’s Dancing With the Stars.
Mario Chalmers: Star competitor in this season’s Big Dance.

Mario Batali: Food Network chef who thrives with spices.
Mario Chalmers: KU guard who survived against Curry.

Mario Lanza: Famous tenor of the 50’s whose singing lives on.
Mario Chalmers: Thanks to One Shining Moment, heroics will live on in song.

Mario Chalmers: Rallied late to be #1 over Memphis.
Mario Williams: Rallied late to be #1 over Reggie Bush.

Mario Ančić: As last man to beat Federer at Wimbledon, disrupted with his racquet.
Mario Chalmers: Disrupted lots of brackets.

Mario Chalmers: Plays on the same team as Brandon Rush.
Mario Cuomo: Liberal icon who’s never on the same side as Rush.

Mario Andretti: Was known for his fast driving.
Mario Chalmers: More known for his shooting than his driving. Especially now.

Memphis vs. Kansas: An NCAA Championship Breakdown

After surprisingly lopsided semifinal victories, Memphis and Kansas will square off for the NCAA men’s basketball championship on Monday night. The Jayhawks are seeking their first national championship since 1988, while the Tigers look to claim the first NCAA title in school history. For an insightful analysis of the respective rosters, well, you’re in the wrong place. As for my breakdown, here we go:


Mascots: A Jayhawk is a mythical creature, but a Tiger is real and can rip you to shreds. The one similarity? Tigers and Jayhawks have both recently inflicted damage on someone named Roy. Advantage: Memphis.

Past NBA Stars: Penny Hardaway had moments of greatness after his college career at Memphis. But no one could score like KU’s Wilt Chamberlain. He was a great hoops player too. Advantage: Kansas.

Jim Nantz: Whether it’s Augusta or San Antonio, it’s natural for him to proclaim “a Tiger championship” in early April. Advantage: Memphis.

Republican Presidential Candidates: Bob Dole, who attended KU, was waxed like a 16-seed in the 1996 election. But unlike Memphis alum Fred Thompson, at least he got the nomination. Advantage: Kansas.

FedEx: Memphis plays its home games at the FedEx Forum and won the Conference USA tournament there. On the other hand, Kansas won the FedEx Orange Bowl against actual competition. Advantage: Kansas.

School Mottos: U of M’s appropriately succinct motto is translated as “Dreamers. Thinkers. Doers.” KU’s is translated as, “I will see this great vision in which the bush does not burn.” Commenting on whoever came up with that motto, John Kerry remarked, “Man, that guy was long-winded!” Advantage: Memphis.

City Landmarks: Allen Fieldhouse is a basketball treasure, but unlike Graceland, it doesn’t display sequined jumpsuits worn by Elvis. Advantage: Memphis.

Fab Five: The last time a team with a starting point guard named Rose was in the finals, Jalen lost two straight championship games. At least Derrick will only have one opportunity. Advantage: Kansas.

Major League Baseball: There are no Hawks in the Majors, but the Jays are 4-2. Meanwhile, the Tigers are still winless. Advantage: Kansas.

Mathematics: According to Wikipedia, U of M’s mathematics department has more Erdos number 1 mathematicians than any other research institution in the world. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds impressive, and it mentions “number 1.” Advantage: Memphis.

Jacque Vaughn: The former KU point guard won a ring with the Spurs last year. So Jayhawks know how to win championships in San Antonio. Advantage: Kansas.

Coaches’ Names: “Calipari” sounds like a fried seafood appetizer. But “Self” is a lousy name for someone who wants to promote teamwork. Advantage: Memphis.

Classic Rock: One team is named Kansas, with a star named Rush. And “Rock” is part of its famous chant. The other has CDR, but not CCR. Advantage: Kansas.

Mayors: Lawrence’s mayor is Sue Hack, whose last name suggests foul trouble. W.W. Herenton is the mayor of Memphis, and the whole point of this weekend in San Antonio is to string two W’s together. Advantage: Memphis.

I Love the 80’s: Memphis last made the Final Four in 1985, when it was still Memphis State. But Danny Manning led the Jayhawks all the way in 1988. Back then, a Manning could win a title and NOT be in a zillion commercials. Advantage: Kansas.


Tallying up the results, it’s Kansas 8, Memphis 7. So Monday night, it will be a Rock Chalk Jayhawk Riverwalk.