It’s still more than a month until college basketball begins, but Dick Vitale is always eager to be heard. Yesterday he was asked for his analysis of the American League Division Series. Here is an excerpt from that interview.
Interviewer: Dickie V, the White Sox had the most victories in the American League, yet most observers view them as underdogs. What do you think of their chances?
Vitale: Oh, you gotta love the White Sox, baby! They’re from Chicago, and you know who else is from the Windy City? Coach K, baby! So is his assistant, Chris Collins – somebody give that guy a head coaching job! Are you serious? Johnny Dawkins and Wojo on the same bench? What an unbelievable coaching staff, baby!
Interviewer: Yeah… uh, what about the Red Sox? Will they be able to repeat?
Vitale: I love the Red Sox too, baby, because “Red Sox” sounds like “Redick,” the best shooter in college basketball – bar none! He’s automatic with the trifecta, baby…
Interviewer: Okay, this interview has nothing to do with Duke. Red Sox Nation wants to hear about David Ortiz, not J.J. Redick.
Vitale: The Boston fans are special, but they can’t compete with the Cameron Crazies, baby! I just love those wackos – 1800 on their SATs and they’re painting their faces and screaming like maniacs – you gotta love it, baby!
Interviewer: First of all, you can’t score more than 1600 on the SAT. Secondly, and most importantly, we’re supposed to be talking about BASEBALL! Ugggh, what about the other series? Will Randy Johnson and the Yankee pitching staff get the job done?
Vitale: They call him the Big Unit, but you know who the REAL Big Unit is? Sheldon Williams, baby! He just owns the paint – a spectacular inside-outside combo with Mr. Redick! And don’t forget about the diaper dandies Coach K brought in…
Interviewer: For the love of God, if you go on for one more second about Duke, I’ll lose it! Now… oh, why am I bothering… what about the Angels?
Vitale: Vladimir Guerrero is a real PTPer, baby, a Rolls Roycer! He’s super, scintillating, sensational!
Interviewer: Finally, a comment that’s actually about baseball!
Vitale: And Mike Scioscia is a real maestro on the bench, baby! There’s no better coach in any sport in southern California…
Interviewer: Okay, now we’re getting somewhere…
Vitale: But that’s because Coach K didn’t go to the Lakers, baby! And why would he ever leave Durham? It’s a special, special place! The tradition, the Cameron Crazies…
Interviewer: That’s it, I’m outta here!
After the interviewer stormed off, Vitale continued to jump up and down, screaming about all things Blue Devil. A group of men managed to fit him with a straitjacket and take him from the scene. He is currently secure in a padded room, periodically yelling, “Coach K is awesome, baby!”
