Thursday, August 04, 2005

Historical Perspective From Sportscasters

Watching sports on a regular basis, it’s apparent that announcers have their own unique way of speaking.  Certain phrases, cliches, etc. tend to be repeated over and over again.  With that in mind, here’s how today’s sportscasters might have commented on various historical events, listed in chronological order.


Judas Betrays Jesus For Thirty Pieces of Silver:  “You keep hearing apostles say, ‘It’s not about the money.’ But Judas totally put himself ahead of the team.  Hey Judas, there’s no ‘I’ in ‘Apostles!’”


Cortes Conquers the Aztecs:  “You gotta be able to defend your home turf.  The Aztecs needed to stand up to the conquistadores and say, ‘Not in our house!’  Montezuma’s boys just didn’t have what it takes.”


Napoleon Defeated at Waterloo:  “It’s fine to be aggressive and conquer new countries, but Napoleon didn’t fight smart.  You gotta stay within yourself and take what the enemy gives you.”


Battle of Gettysburg:  “This was a real gut-check for the Union forces, and they came through with their backs against the wall.”


First College Football Game – Princeton vs. Rutgers in 1869:  “These football players played great football on both sides of the football.  That’s what football is all about!”


Custer’s Last Stand:  “You gotta come ready to play every battle.  Custer’s cavalry thought they could just show up at Little Bighorn and dominate.  But the Sioux gave 110%, and Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse really stepped up.”


Queen Victoria Dies After 64 Years on the Throne:  “Victoria was a great queen in her prime, but England stuck with her too long.  It should have dealt her for some top royal prospects when it had the chance.”


World Premiere of “A Streetcar Named Desire”: “Tennessee Williams is a guy who knows how to make plays.”


1960 Presidential Election:  “Nixon’s got the edge in experience and would make a bigger immediate impact.  But you gotta love J-Kenn’s upside.”


Man Walks on Moon:  “You know why Neil Armstrong is a superstar of the space program?  He makes all the astronauts around him better.”