Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Report From Africa: Ground Causes Fumble

In a stunning development from the remote African nation of Ahmangreenia, football experts have confirmed reports that the ground has caused a fumble.  This revelation counters the long-held belief that the ground cannot cause a fumble.


The historic event occurred this afternoon during a touch football game set up for the Ahmangreenian natives by Peace Corps volunteer Shaun Alexander.  According to Alexander, a villager named Balaka (Swahili for “butterfingers”) was running in the clear on his way to a touchdown.  All of a sudden, the ground reached up and knocked the ball loose.  “An absolute miracle,” remarked a still astonished Alexander, who added that the miraculous fumble was returned for a touchdown by Herman Edwards.


“I couldn’t believe my own eyes,” commented Alexander.  With the aid of a camera crew that by wild coincidence was covering the game, Alexander repeatedly reviewed replays of the fumble.  He examined every angle for approximately five minutes as the natives hummed the theme from Jeopardy!  “Upon further review,” announced Alexander, “the play stands as called.  The ground caused the fumble.”  The statement was met by blank stares from the Ahmangreenians, who understand no English except for “Take what the defense gives you.”


The announcement has sent shock waves throughout the football establishment.  A source in the National Football League offices, under condition of anonymity, acknowledged that commissioner Paul Tagliabue was “knocked on his fanny” by the news.  “He was so dumbfounded,” added the source, “you would have thought he heard T.O. deflecting credit to his teammates.”  Spurred by this disproving of a long-accepted principle, Tagliabue reportedly drove home to see his old dog, Revenueshare.  Attempts to teach Revenueshare new tricks were apparently unsuccessful.


Amid the events of this monumental day, one thing is certain: Football has been changed forever.