NFL Playoffs: The Collins Edition

Sunday in the NFL, the Washington Redskins and Tennessee Titans both claimed the last post-season berth in their respective conferences. The Redskins completed an improbable late-season run led by forgotten quarterback Todd Collins. The Titans also had a Collins under center, as Kerry Collins replaced injured starter Vince Young and rallied Tennessee past Indianapolis.

None of the other ten playoff teams have a quarterback named Collins. However, each of them does relate to a notable Collins in some way. Here’s a look, in order of seeding.


AFC:

New England Patriots: Mary Cathleen Collins. Better known as Bo Derek, she’s a perfect 10. The Pats are a perfect 16 and counting.

Indianapolis Colts: Joan Collins. “Dynasty” is the key word, as the Colts hope to repeat. No word on whether they’ve been in cat-fights with Linda Evans.

San Diego Chargers: Doug Collins. He’s a 3-time NBA head coach who works with TNT. Norv Turner is a 3-time NFL head coach who works with LT.

Pittsburgh Steelers: Fort Collins. That’s the location of Colorado State, alma mater of starting linebacker Clark Haggans. Since CSU was 3-9 this year, this is the only way to link the school to a winning football team.

Jacksonville Jaguars: Eileen Collins. She was the first female commander of a space shuttle. Similarly, the Jags hope to make history after they take off from the east coast of Florida.

NFC:

Dallas Cowboys: Gary Collins. From 1982 to 1990, he was surrounded by babes as host of the Miss America pageant. Tony Romo is surrounded by babes as quarterback of America’s Team.

Green Bay Packers: Phil Collins. Yes, Green Bay’s roster includes free safety Nick Collins. But no playoff team had fewer rushing yards, so they prefer to keep the ball In the Air Tonight.

Seattle Seahawks: Tom Collins. The cocktail can impair your ability to drive and make you pass out. Pro Bowler Patrick Kerney does the same to opposing quarterbacks.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jarron & Jason Collins. Like the NBA big men, Ronde Barber knows what it’s like to have a twin brother in the league.

New York Giants: Francis Collins. He’s the director of the National Human Genome Research Institute. Eli Manning also knows the importance of genes.


Sorry, there’s no room for Bootsy Collins on the playoff list. He’s a Bengals fan.

Other Channels Carrying Patriots-Giants

This Saturday, the New England Patriots look to complete the first-ever 16-0 NFL regular season when they pay the New York Giants a visit. The matchup was originally scheduled to be aired only on the NFL Network, unavailable to most viewers. However, on Wednesday the NFL announced that NBC and CBS will simulcast the NFL Network’s feed during Saturday’s contest.

The league later decided that this step did not go far enough. Therefore, the NFL has expanded coverage of the game to numerous other networks. Here are the other channels that will now carry Saturday’s showdown.


ABC, Fox, CW: Might as well get all the broadcast networks involved – they’re suffering through the writers’ strike, too!

History Channel: Forget Ancient Egypt or World War II. 16-0 is REAL history.

HBO: It has a good track record with violent shows set in New Jersey.

Animal Planet: The broadcast will raise awareness of an endangered group of Dolphins.

CSPAN: The excitement of its typical programming will be matched by a Bill Belichick press conference.

Disney Channel: He’s not Hannah, but Tom Brady does get compared to Montana.

BBC America: The Giants won in London earlier this season, so they’re basically Britain’s team.

TNT: Only if the game is close. TNT: We Know Drama.

HGTV (Home and Garden): The Giants play Home games in the Garden State.

Food Network: The hosts will advise the 1972 Dolphins on suitable substitutes for champagne.

MTV: It has featured lots of hidden camera shows. So have the Patriots in Giants Stadium.

Big Ten Network: The NFL Network gets to show Indiana in the Insight Bowl, so there has to be an exchange the other way.

E: Short for “Eli.”

Home Shopping Network: Find out how you can get bargains like Randy Moss and Wes Welker.

Court TV: Actually, it carried the NFL Network broadcast two weeks ago, when the Bengals played.

TLC: Contrary to popular belief, it stands not for The Learning Channel, but Tom “Lovable” Coughlin.

TV Land: It’s always happy to feature a Brady Bunch.

Travel Channel: Chances are, by halftime Giants fans will be focused on that trip to Tampa Bay.

Boldin, Sims To Play For FSU In Bowl Game

After a week of turmoil, prospects seem to have brightened for the Florida State football program. First, offensive coordinator and head coach-in-waiting Jimbo Fisher decided to stay in Tallahassee instead of taking the top job at West Virginia. Now comes word that a pair of former Seminoles will lend head coach Bobby Bowden a hand. Cardinals wide receiver Anquan Boldin and Lions linebacker Ernie Sims will suit up for FSU in next Monday’s Music City Bowl versus Kentucky.


The short-handed Seminoles will welcome the assistance, as 36 players will not be making the trip to Nashville. Some absentees will be due to injuries, but most of them were involved in an online academic cheating scandal. The issue has caused significant embarrassment for the 7-5 Seminoles. As one disgusted FSU fan put it, “The standards here have really taken a nose dive. At Florida State, we demand renegades who play for the national championship, not renegades who lose to Wake Forest!”


The issue does come with a bit of karma. Cheat at a music history course, and you miss the Music City Bowl. The same standard apparently applies to all Bowden-coached teams. Therefore, Clemson will have to take on Auburn without three players who were caught cheating in their Chick-Fil-A class.


As young NFL stars, Boldin and Sims will certainly provide a lift to the Noles. Both players left Tallahassee with one year of eligibility remaining, so in an unusual decision, the NCAA allowed them to play in one more bowl game. Reportedly, because Boldin and Sims play for Arizona and Detroit, the NCAA felt that they would otherwise never again have the opportunity to play post-season football.


Boldin actually has experience stepping in for suspended Seminoles in a bowl game. Five years ago, with FSU’s top two quarterbacks barred from action, Boldin shifted from wideout to quarterback in a Sugar Bowl loss to Georgia. He won’t have to change positions this time, but he will have to travel from Phoenix to Nashville and take the field just one day after his regular season NFL finale. Fortunately, Sunday’s game is against the Rams defense, so it’s not like he’ll have to exert himself.


Meanwhile, Sims will provide valuable assistance for the FSU defense. The Noles also had hoped to add San Diego cornerback Antonio Cromartie – another early NFL entrant – but he’ll be busy preparing for the first round of the playoffs. One day after facing Brett Favre, at least for part of the game, Sims will line up versus Andre Woodson and the high-powered Wildcats offense. Sims will surely find it strange for his Seminoles to be an underdog against Kentucky. Even more bizarre will be the scene after the game, when UK fans will dread the end of football season and reluctantly turn their attention to hoops.


Speaking of strange developments, the mere participation of Boldin and Sims on Monday comes as a shock to many football fans. But when it comes to these two players, one thing is even more surprising. Between the wide receiver and the linebacker, it’s the LINEBACKER who was a first round pick by the Lions.

Walk Hard: Sports Variations

Starring John C. Reilly and Jenna Fischer, Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story comes out today in theatres. As you’re no doubt aware, the movie provides a comedic take on musical biopics such as Walk the Line. But what if Dewey Cox had been a sports figure, instead of a musician? Here are ten possible storylines and titles:


While on the mound, Dewey faces Barry Bonds: Intentional Walk Hard

On the mound again, Dewey tries to pick off Jose Reyes: Balk Hard

Dewey fills in during Dick Vitale’s sabbatical: Talk Hard

Dewey has an MVP season for the Rams: Faulk Hard

During the bye week that season, Dewey develops a polio vaccine: Salk Hard

Dewey sits near Jessica Simpson at a Cowboys game: Gawk Hard

Dewey follows her home after the game: Stalk Hard

Dewey reacts after his team is left out of the BCS National Championship Game: Squawk Hard

Dewey works on the Wimbledon grounds crew: Chalk Hard

Dewey plays hoops in Lawrence: Rock Chalk Jayhawk Hard

The Margaret Mitchell Report

The sports world has been abuzz in recent days, following the issuance of the Mitchell Report. The document summarized the findings of former Senate Majority Leader George Mitchell after his investigation into the use of performance-enhancing drugs by major league baseball players. The inclusion of Roger Clemens was the most significant topic of conversation, while other prominent players such as Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, and Barry Bonds were also named in the report.

To many, these revelations are nothing new. In fact, an all-time classic movie from 1939 contained numerous quotes with relevance for the issue of performance-enhancing substances. Gone With the Wind was originally a novel written by another Mitchell (Margaret). The film screenplay was actually adapted by Sidney Howard, but as far as I know, there was no Howard Report in sports this week. Therefore, with quotes from Gone With the Wind, and their relevance to the present-day findings from George Mitchell, I bring you the Margaret Mitchell Report:


“It will come to you, this love of the land.” (Gerald O’Hara): And love of the cream, and the clear, and …

“It ain’t fittin’…it ain’t fittin.’ It jes’ ain’t fittin’…It ain’t fittin.’” (Mammy): A players’ wardrobe after bulking up from steroids.

“With enough courage, you can do without a reputation.” (Rhett Butler): Words to live by, for players named in the report.

“Take a good luck my dear. It’s an historic moment you can tell your grandchildren about how you watched the Old South fall one night.” (Rhett): This quote is a bit off target, since the biggest losers were Yankees.

“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.” (Scarlett O’Hara): A player’s response, when warned about the health risks of steroids.

“As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” (Scarlett): Steroid use often leads to an increased appetite.

“I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout birthin’ babies!” (Prissy): Side effects of steroids include reduced sperm count and infertility.

“Fiddle-dee-dee!” (Scarlett): An expression of ‘roid rage, edited for 1939 audiences.

“You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.” (Rhett): Substitute “injected” for “kissed,” and it’s how Jose Canseco introduced himself to new teammates.

“You’re like the thief who isn’t the least bit sorry he stole, but is terribly, terribly sorry he’s going to jail.” (Rhett): A comment addressing the scores of lame non-apologies sure to be coming.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Rhett): 1990s response to the steroid issue from Bud Selig and Donald Fehr.

“After all… tomorrow is another day.” (Scarlett): An obvious statement, just like “lots of major leaguers used steroids.”

This Day in History

Today is December 13, 2007, and I think it’s a great day to look back at the history books. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on December 13. For some reason, the online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these occurrences. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1294: Saint Celestine V abdicates the papacy after only five months. Celestine immediately takes over as football coach at the University of Arkansas.

1577: Sir Francis Drake sets out from Plymouth, England, on his round-the-world voyage. He hopes his willingness to go on the road will impress the NCAA Tournament Selection Committee.

1769: Dartmouth College is founded by the Reverend Eleazar Wheelock. He remarks, “This will be a home for the true student-athlete, after the term ‘student-athlete’ is invented.”

1862: At the Battle of Fredericksburg, Confederate General Robert E. Lee defeats the Union Major General Ambrose E. Burnside. The victory earns Lee a title shot against Floyd Mayweather.

1941: Hungary and Romania declare war on the United States. With this action, both countries continue their policy of aggression against inferior soccer countries.

1961: Painter Grandma Moses dies at the age of 101. Her eulogy is delivered by high school classmate Vinny Testaverde.

1967: Oscar-winning actor Jamie Foxx is born. On Foxx's birthday in 2007, Mike Gundy will call him and scream, “You’re a MAN!!! You’re FORTY!!!”

1996: Kofi Annan is elected as Secretary-General of the United Nations. Darren McFadden comes in second.

2000: Al Gore delivers his concession speech, ending his hopes of becoming the 43rd President of the United States. He was certain that Bush’s 2000 victory would be overturned, but then he realized he was thinking of Marion Jones.

2002: The European Union announces that Cyprus, the Czech Republic, Estonia, Hungary, Latvia, Lithuania, Malta, Poland, Slovakia, and Slovenia will become members on May 1, 2004. The expansion paves the way for the EU to hold a conference championship game.

2003: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein is captured near his hometown of Tikrit. One of his captors remarks, “We can catch anyone – except for Devin Hester.”

2006: The Baiji, or Chinese River Dolphin, is announced as extinct. So at least one Dolphin didn’t have to endure 2007.

Hansbrough & Other Tylers

This young basketball season has been marked by an unusually gifted freshman class that’s high on flash. However, the best player on the #1 team in the country is a junior with a not-so-pretty style. North Carolina’s Tyler Hansbrough hopes his all-out effort helps Roy Williams to his second national championship in April. In the meantime, here’s how Hansbrough compares to a dozen other Tylers.


John Tyler: He became President of the United States after the death in office of William Henry Harrison. Similarly, Hansbrough entered the spotlight because Sean May, Rashad McCants, Raymond Felton, and Marvin Williams departed early.

Mary Tyler Moore: She memorably tossed up her hat in Minneapolis. Hansbrough memorably tossed away his mask against Michigan State.

Bonnie Tyler: In Total Eclipse of the Heart, she sang, “Every now and then I fall apart.” The Tar Heels said the same thing after the Georgetown game.

Tyler Durden: In Fight Club he insisted, “I want you to hit me as hard as you can!” Hansbrough didn’t make the same request to Gerald Henderson, but it happened anyway.

Tyler Perry: The creator of House of Payne and Why Did I get Married has developed a media empire in Atlanta. As a freshman, Hansbrough also demanded Atlanta’s attention with a career-high 40 versus Georgia Tech.

Steven Tyler: In honor of the singer of Walk This Way, Hansbrough often gets away with an extra step down low.

Liv Tyler: Somehow, she looks like Steven Tyler but is still hot. Equally hard to believe: the guy with the biggest man-crush on Hansbrough is a Dukie (Jay Bilas).

Tyler, Texas: It’s the hometown of LSU quarterback Matt Flynn. Like Hansbrough, he hopes his season includes a victory over Ohio State.

Willie Tyler and Lester: As a ventriloquist, Willie thrives with his wooden partner. Hansbrough thrives with his partners on the hardwood.

Aisha Tyler: Hansbrough defies racial stereotypes as a white basketball star, just as Aisha did as a black person on Friends.

Tyler Green: Obscure, but the former Phillie starter is worth a mention for this bizarre stat: Green pitched in the 1995 All-Star Game, yet only won 18 games in his career. As for UNC’s Tyler, his most recent win came in Philly, with help from Danny Green.

Tyler James Williams: He’s the star of Everybody Hates Chris. Hansbrough plays eight miles from the team everybody hates.

Quick Hits On This Year's Bowl Matchups

This year’s college football bowl lineup is set, with 32 matchups on the way. For in-depth analysis, go to the experts. For quick drivel, I’m your man. The full titles of the bowls are listed, because it’s just funnier that way. Away we go!


December 20:

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Navy vs. Utah. The title of the bowl is really long, so to compensate they had to take two teams with four letters each. Next year it’s Rice vs. Duke.

December 21:

R&L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Florida Atlantic vs. Memphis. As he did with Miami and Louisville, coach Howard Schnellenberger leads FAU into a bowl game. Unlike the current coaches of Miami and Louisville.

December 22:

Papajohns.com Bowl: Cincinnati vs. Southern Mississippi. Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. So why can’t they sponsor a Better Bowl?

New Mexico Bowl: New Mexico vs. Nevada. For the second straight year, New Mexico plays in its namesake bowl. The same feat was accomplished in 1999 and 2000 by Tostitos Fiesta University.

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl: Brigham Young vs. UCLA. The winners will proudly claim the trophy, until it’s stolen from their hotel room by O.J. and his goons.

December 23:

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Boise State vs. East Carolina. I think we can give Ian Johnson a pass if this year’s bowl experience doesn’t measure up to last year.

December 26:

Motor City Bowl: Central Michigan vs. Purdue. It’s a rematch of a September game in which the Boilermakers won by 23. Just a hunch, but I’m guessing Detroit sports fans are a little more excited about Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis.

December 27:

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Arizona State vs. Texas. Wait, this is actually a pretty good matchup! How’d it get on the bowl schedule so early?

December 28:

Champs Sports Bowl: Boston College vs. Michigan State. What do you mean, “Champs” Sports? BC’s here because they LOST their championship game!

Texas Bowl: Houston vs. TCU. I’m pretty sure this bowl doesn’t actually exist, and this is a replay of a Conference USA game from five years ago.

Emerald Bowl: Oregon State vs. Maryland. This name would have been more appropriate for the Seattle Bowl, played in the Emerald City. Remember the Seattle Bowl? Okay, never mind…

December 29:

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Connecticut vs. Wake Forest. I’ve asked this question many times, but I have to keep asking: Why, oh why, does the Demon Deacon mascot wear a bowtie on his CHIN??? Somebody answer me!!!

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Mississippi State vs. Central Florida. Also known as the BCS National Championship Game, at least on George O’ Leary’s resume.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas A&M vs. Penn State. The Aggies and Nittany Lions square off at the site of the Final Four, where top-ranked UNC hopes to be in April. Yep, 64 teams in bowl games, and this is the only way I could work my Tar Heels into the discussion.

December 30:

Petrosun Independence Bowl: Colorado vs. Alabama. Four games ago, Nick Saban was planning on a much better destination. But on this same day, his former employer might wind up 0-16. So Shreveport’s not so bad!

December 31:

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Air Force vs. California. It’s highly appropriate to have a service academy in the Armed Forces Bowl. But Cal hasn’t been armed, or a force, for two months now.

Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Fresno State vs. Georgia Tech. Fun Fact: The Humanitarian Bowl got its name because Mother Teresa was a huge fan of the blue turf.

Brut Sun Bowl: South Florida vs. Oregon. In this nutty college football season, it’s only appropriate that two former #2’s will spend New Year’s in El Paso.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl Presented By Bridgestone (seriously): Florida State vs. Kentucky. These schools squared off in the 1993 Elite Eight. It’s a sad, sad thing that I knew that off the top of my head.

Insight Bowl: Oklahoma State vs. Indiana. With 2008 approaching, it’s time to go crazy after the game! I mean New Year’s Eve parties, not Mike Gundy’s press conference.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl: Clemson vs. Auburn. Only during Masters week will you see more Tiger fans in Georgia.

January 1:

Outback Bowl: Tennessee vs. Wisconsin. It’s the Vols’ second straight year in this game. But since South Carolina is home for the holidays, I don’t think you’ll hear Steve Spurrier say, “You can’t spell ‘Outback’ without ‘UT!’”

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Missouri vs. Arkansas. Heisman winners often have a tough time in bowl games. Fortunately for Chase Daniel and Darren McFadden, that will be Tim Tebow’s problem.

Capital One Bowl: Florida vs. Michigan. A year later, the “Gators vs. Wolverines” debate moves from the message boards to the field. Meanwhile, Lloyd Carr becomes yet another retiree in Orlando.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Virginia vs. Texas Tech. UVA’s Chris Long, like Michigan’s Jake Long, will go early in the NFL draft. Hearing “Long” uttered throughout the draft will make Jay Bilas smile.

The Rose Bowl Game Presented By Citi: USC vs. Illinois. By preserving the sacred Big Ten/Pac-10 matchup, Rose Bowl officials once again prove their devotion to tradition. As long as you ignore that “Presented By Citi” part.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Georgia vs. Hawaii. Bulldog fans might be overconfident, but not because of Hawaii’s soft schedule. Remembering the old Falcon days, they just expect to see June Jones lose.

January 2:

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma vs. West Virginia. For the Mountaineers, why is it the Fiesta vs. the Sooners? Because of the siesta vs. the Panthers.

January 3:

Fedex Orange Bowl: Virginia Tech vs. Kansas. Fortunately, neither team is from Alaska, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Louisiana, or Texas. Because from Florida, you’re not allowed to FedEx Oranges to those states.

January 5:

International Bowl: Ball State vs. Rutgers. This one takes place in Toronto, so TWO countries get to ignore it.

January 6:

GMAC Bowl: Tulsa vs. Bowling Green. “GMAC” is a warning message to the only people paying attention to this game: “Gambling with Money: Addictive and Compulsive.”

January 7:

Allstate BCS National Championship Game. Ohio State vs. LSU. For Buckeye fans, it’s already a victory: a title game with no Gators in sight.

Surprises From Championship Saturday

Fittingly in a tumultuous college football season, Championship Saturday was completely unpredictable. The result is utterly predictable, as once again the much-maligned BCS is a mess. Tonight we’ll officially find out the championship matchup, as well as the other bowls. In the meantime, here’s a look back at Saturday’s surprises.


The #1 team lost, and it wasn’t an upset.

That #1 team was Missouri.

Dave Wannstedt had a huge win in December.

On September 1, an upset BY the Mountaineers made Buckeye fans giddy. On December 1, an upset OF the Mountaineers did the same.

Over two weekends, a team rose from #5 to #1 without playing a game. And there’s no legitimate argument against them.

The title game will almost certainly match up two teams who lost at home to then-unranked opponents.

Les Miles potentially set himself up for a huge matchup with Ohio State – by turning down Michigan.

A team (Cal) on the verge of being #1 in October proceeded to lose six of its last seven games.

Two teams that were ranked #2 this year lost to Stanford.

A former #2 (Oregon) lost in multiple overtimes, and it wasn’t LSU.

Karl Dorrell has not yet been fired. I live two miles from UCLA, so any minute I expect him to knock on my door, asking to crash on my couch.

Arizona State, which won a share of the Pac-10 title, beat one opponent that finished with a winning record.

That’s one less than USC, because the Trojans beat ASU.

The lone unbeaten team stayed that way by rallying from a 21-point deficit at home against the worst team in the Pac-10.

A Boston College-Virginia Tech rematch in Jacksonville was played before a huge number of empty seats. Okay, some things aren’t surprising.

Herschel Walker, my prediction for #1, finished at #3 in ESPN’s “25 Greatest Players in College Football” list. He won’t be the only Bulldog to get left out of the top 2 this weekend.

A team (Miami of Ohio) that was in a conference championship game finished with a losing record.

They’re not the only Miami who missed out on bowl season.

A non-conference opponent for Kansas (Central Michigan) is in a bowl game.

The traditional Army-Navy showdown… okay, I admire them for serving our country, but I can’t pretend to care about this game.

A guy (Kevin Smith of Central Florida) finished with 2,448 yards rushing, and you’ve probably never heard of him. I wonder if his teammates call him Silent Bob?

Florida International won a game. Like all great teams, they peaked at the end of the season.

AND THE BIGGEST SURPRISE OF ALL:

Despite the fate of second-ranked teams this year, teams are now PLEADING to be #2!

Press Release For "Dukie V" Book

A fellow UNC alum wanted to pass along this press release for his new parody book, focused on Dick Vitale and his love for a certain basketball program in Durham. Go here for the book's website.


Dukie V’s Season to Remember:
A hilarious, completely unauthorized collection of parody columns from the 2006-07 college basketball season.
By Brian Allen

College basketball is hotter than ever, with ESPN analyst Dick Vitale personifying America’s passion for the game. A once popular commentator and columnist, Vitale is known for his colorful enthusiasm and his basketball terminology, which includes such curious expressions as “Diaper Dandy” (a promising freshman), “PTP’er” (a prime time performer), and “Maalox Moment” (a nail biting finish). During his rise to fame, Vitale was himself affectionately dubbed “Dickie V” by fans and colleagues.

In recent years, the once respected commentator has become a parody of himself as he has channeled all of his vibrant enthusiasm into an unabashed love for perennial winner Duke University and its head coach, Mike Krzyzewski. Fans coast to coast are both amused and annoyed by his seeming inability to comment on any subject without launching into a Duke tribute at every opportunity – regardless of the subject at hand and regardless of what teams are playing before him. In recognition of his glaring bias, college fans, in recent years, modified the man’s personal moniker; he is now known as “Dukie V.”

Equally annoying to fans is an over hyping of Duke University by the media at large. Many fans view Duke as the recipient of favoritism by game officials and the holder of an undeserved pristine image. Similarly, fans resent the media’s description of Coach K – a man legendary for his foul mouth and hypocritical stands on sportsmanship -- as the ultimate “class act.”

"Dukie V’s Season to Remember” is the ultimate sports parody collection, written for the legions of fans who have had it up to their ears with the Duke lovefest. The book presents a season long series of spoof columns, each written to mimic Vitale’s lingo, cadence, and, above all, his nauseating love of Duke. Beginning with pre-season analysis and predictions, the book continues through the regular season and March Madness, and concludes with post-season commentary on subjects ranging from the Don Imus/Rutgers debacle to Kobe Bryant’s trade demands. Each column begins with a legitimate hot basketball issue, (e.g., Bobby Knight's chase of the all-time wins record), but inevitably veers off-course as Vitale blithely spirals into his endless Duke drivel. In addition to spoofing the absurdity of Vitale's blind bias, the parody columns also mock the purported greatness of Duke, a program that has managed a whopping total of three national championships in 100 years of college basketball history.