All-Final Four MLB Team

This week is a huge one for American sports fans. Ohio State, Georgetown, UCLA, and Florida are eagerly awaiting Saturday’s Final Four. One night later, the major league baseball season begins as the defending champion St. Louis Cardinals take on the New York Mets. Major leaguers share numerous similarities to the teams and activities to be featured at the Final Four. With that in mind, here is the All-Final Four Major League Baseball team.


Starting Pitcher: Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins. Just as UCLA shut down Kansas, he easily shuts down Kansas City.

Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski, Chicago White Sox. He’s equally as beloved as Billy Packer.

First Base: Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers. Cecil’s son is a Brewer whose father was a pro athlete. Florida has Corey Brewer and numerous sons of pro athletes.

Second Base: Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies. Since he’s a gritty player from UCLA, Ben Howland would love him.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees. Like Monday night’s winner, he peaks in April.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, St. Louis Cardinals. He’s a Florida Gator who’s a defending champion. Aren’t all Gators these days?

Left Fielder: Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants. UCLA is defensive-minded and follows Arron Afflalo. Bonds gets defensive while following Aaron.

Center Fielder: Kenny Lofton, Texas Rangers. Lofton played in the 1988 Final Four with Arizona. Ohio State enters this Final Four with 34 wins – equaling the number of Lofton’s major league teams.

Right Fielder: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers. In the ALCS, he hit a walk-off game-winner. In the Sweet16, Georgetown’s Jeff Green hit a walking game-winner.

Designated Hitter: Travis Hafner, Cleveland Indians. Like Greg Oden, he’s an intimidating big man in Ohio.

Relief Pitcher: Chad Cordero, Washington Nationals. In Georgetown fashion, he plays in D.C. and shuts down opposing offenses at the end of games.

Manager: Bobby Cox, Atlanta Braves. The Final Four is in Atlanta, where Cox is used to seeing postseason action. Unfortunately for him, he’s only had One Shining Moment.

General Manager: Billy Beane, Oakland A’s. Surely he loves Ohio State’s Ron Lewis, who hit a Moneyball against Xavier.

Owner: Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers. Now in the same city as UCLA, he’s a Georgetown alumnus. Like his alma mater before this week, the Dodgers haven’t been to the Final Four since the 80s.

Mascot: Billy the Marlin, Florida Marlins. He’s what Coach Donovan hopes to be on Monday: a Billy who’s been part of two Florida championships.

OT Means "Only Trouble" For UNC

Sunday in the East Regional final, North Carolina’s national championship hopes came to a bitter end in a 96-84 overtime defeat to Georgetown. The result continued a distressing trend for the Tar Heels when playing beyond regulation. In recent years, overtime has brought nothing but pain to Carolina.


The top-seeded Heels seemed poised for the Final Four on Sunday, leading the second-seeded Hoyas 75-65 after Marcus Ginyard’s free throws with 7:19 remaining. However, UNC went scoreless for the next 3:31 and managed only six points in total until a meaningless three-pointer with eight seconds remaining in overtime. Carolina’s offense must have snitched on Tony Soprano, because all of a sudden it disappeared from New Jersey. After Jonathan Wallace’s three-pointer evened things up for the Hoyas, the Tar Heels were only half-ready for OT. They did have a (Psycho) T, but their O was gone.


The season-ending defeat prevented Roy Williams from reaching his second Final Four as UNC’s head coach. To Williams, “05” brings smiles as his national championship year. However, “0-5” now represents his overtime record as the Tar Heels’ leader. A February setback to Virginia Tech was preceded by losses during the 2003-04 season to Wake Forest, Florida State, and Duke. Overtime has now replaced Gerald Henderson as Public Enemy #1 in the Smith Center. As a result, Roy plans to lobby the NCAA to eliminate overtime periods. The suggestion is not without precedent, as college football did not extend beyond regulation until 1996. Realizing that no one wants a tie in basketball, the emotional Williams proposed a tiebreaker for games ending in a deadlock after regulation. The winner would be the team whose coach sheds the first tears.


His predecessor, Matt Doherty, was 0-2 in overtime games during an ill-fated stint as Carolina’s head coach. Reportedly, Doherty’s bad experiences with overtime came because he verbally abused and alienated overtime. For UNC’s last OT victory, you have to go back to March 1, 2000, when the Heels edged Georgia Tech 74-72. That was way back when Bill Clinton was running the USA and Bill Guthridge was in charge in Chapel Hill. Due to the quirks of Senior Night, someone named Matt Laczkowski started that home finale for UNC. If Matt Laczkowski is reading this article, chances are he just remarked, “Really? I started a game for Carolina basketball? No way!”


The troubles have also spread to the football team. The gridiron Heels have dropped their last three overtime games, with the most recent victory in extra time coming against North Carolina State in 1998. Taking the positive view, it does allow the UNC football players to claim “Hey, we ARE like the basketball team!” Both Tar Heel programs have something in common with immigrant workers at Wal-Mart. They work overtime, but get no benefits for it.


The overtime futility is particularly frustrating when you consider the basketball program’s past glories in OT. On its way to the 1993 national championship, UNC was in the exact same position as it was this Sunday: a #1 seed taking on a 2 seed in overtime at the East Regional final in East Rutherford. That time, Donald Williams led Carolina to a 75-68 triumph over Cincinnati. Bob Huggins’s Bearcats were immediately returned to police custody. Most famously, the 1957 Tar Heels capped an undefeated season with a triple-overtime classic over Kansas in the national championship game. The Jayhawks’ Wilt Chamberlain was so worn out after the game, he only slept with 12 women that night.


Amid the build-up to Sunday’s UNC-Georgetown showdown, Fred Brown’s gaffe in the 1982 title game was constantly mentioned. The result was reversed this time, but the more appropriate contrast is drawn from Chris Webber’s mistake in 1993. Then, UNC was blessed by a TO. Now it’s cursed by OT.

16 Winners From the Sweet 16

College basketball’s Sweet 16 showdowns are in the books, giving way to a powerhouse Elite Eight weekend. All four #1 seeds are still alive, to go along with three 2’s and a 3. Besides the eight victorious teams on Thursday and Friday, there were numerous other winners from the Sweet 16. Here’s a look at 16 of them.


Crime Scene Investigators: The brackets, like a gruesome murder victim, have been outlined in chalk.

Chris Webber: With the North Carolina – Georgetown matchup set, Fred Brown will be this weekend’s endlessly replayed goat.

Sobriety: Thursday was a big night for AA: Antonio Anderson’s free throws won it for Memphis, and Arron Afflalo’s 17 points paced UCLA.

Environmentalists: Florida, Georgetown, and North Carolina feature Taurean, Jeff, and Danny Green, respectively. Corporate America, take note of March Madness: you can generate huge revenues AND be Green-friendly.

Georgia Football Team: Florida’s win over Butler showed that they’re not the only Bulldogs who can’t beat the Gators.

AARP: It was not a time for the Young, as USC’s Nick Young, Pittsburgh’s Sam Young, and Southern Illinois guard Tony Young lost.

Durex Condoms: In the end, the Trojans didn’t get the job done.

Hollywood Henderson: The Dallas Cowboys linebacker ridiculed Terry Bradshaw and the Steelers before Super Bowl XIII. Thursday he got to see Bradshaw (Tennessee’s Dane) AND Pittsburgh go down to defeat.

Eugene Lawrence: The junior guard from St. John’s has the home cities of two Elite Eight teams in his name.

Philadelphia Eagles Backfield: Winners included Donovan (Florida’s Billy) and Westbrook (UCLA’s Russell).

Aflac: Friday was a huge night for Ducks, as Oregon eliminated UNLV, and Anaheim clinched a berth in the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Memphis Grizzlies: Saturday will provide hope for next year: a Memphis game with Greg Oden on the court.

Anderson Hunt: Although the Runnin’ Rebels fell, the victory by Memphis was a tribute to the Most Outstanding Player of the 1990 Final Four. Antonio Anderson and Jeremy Hunt played major roles.

Tennessee Women’s Team: Bruce Pearl is now free to paint his chest and scream for the Lady Vols.

Detroit Sports: Motown natives Tajuan Porter and Malik Hairston are vital for Oregon, as is Detroit’s Chris Douglas-Roberts for Memphis. Plus, the Tigers won, as did Lions receiver Roy Williams, who looks different these days.

Wicked Stepmothers: Cinderella is nowhere to be found.

This Day in History

While I hope to entertain you with these columns, I also like to impart some knowledge in the process. So today, March 22, 2007, seems like a good time for a history lesson. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on March 22. For some reason, the popular online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these events. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1630: Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables. The last straw: a casino fight instigated by Joey Porter.

1765: British Parliament passes the Stamp Act, levying a tax on the American colonies. Proceeds are to finance a domed stadium in Williamsburg.

1832: German literary giant Johann Wolfgang von Goethe dies. His last words are “Nowitzki for MVP.”

1895: Auguste and Louis Lumiere hold the first private screening of motion pictures. The featured attraction is Rocky IV.

1923: Famous mime Marcel Marceau is born in France. He goes on to host the world’s least successful sports talk radio show.

1933: FDR signs into law a bill legalizing the sale of beer and wine. Finally, Babe Ruth gets to partake.

1941: The Grand Coulee Dam begins to generate electricity in Washington. In 1989, Ken Griffey, Jr. does likewise.

1945: The Arab League is founded in Cairo. It immediately becomes the first league to adopt the designated hitter.

1960: Arthur Leonard Schawlow & Charles Townes receive the first patent for a laser. They explain, “You know how they say that Johnny Unitas has a laser arm? Well, we made this device that’s like his arm.”

1978: Karl Wallenda of the Flying Wallendas dies after falling off a tight-rope in San Juan. It’s the worst fall of the year that doesn’t involve the Red Sox.

1993: The Intel Corporation ships the first Pentium chips. Sadly, by making computers even easier to use, it helps lead to the BCS.

1995: Cosmonaut Valeri Polyakov returns after setting a record of 438 days in space. His last words before departing earth were “Don’t play the World Series while I’m gone!”

1997: The comet Hale-Bopp has its nearest approach to earth. At this point, it’s far closer to earth than Dennis Rodman.

A Spielberg Guide To The Sweet 16

Like the films of Steven Spielberg, the NCAA tournament generates millions of dollars while bringing excitement to fans. This year, March Madness has mostly been The Lost World for underdogs. The teams that did survive the first two rounds all relate to a movie by the great director. Here is a Spielberg guide to the Sweet 16.


EAST REGION:

North Carolina: Hook. A shot sometimes used by Tyler Hansbrough. When he battles down low, it’s usually a War of the Worlds.

USC: The Color Purple. Like the purple-clad Lakers, the Trojans want to be a hot ticket in downtown L.A. Unlike the Lakers, USC has won consistently this month.

Vanderbilt: Always. When people talk about the SEC, that’s how often they overlook the Commodores.

Georgetown: AI. Allen Iverson ended his Georgetown career with an Elite Eight loss in Atlanta. These Hoyas want to finish the season there, too.

SOUTH REGION:

Ohio State: Schindler’s List. Ron Lewis was the Buckeyes’ Oskar Schindler against Xavier. With little hope of survival, he gave them new life.

Tennessee: E.T. The lovable alien was short and had a glowing finger. Chris Lofton is short and typically has a hot hand. He probably likes Reese’s Pieces, too.

Texas A&M: The Sugarland Express. In Spielberg’s first feature, a couple failed to outrun the law in Texas. Aggie opponents fail to outrun Acie Law in Texas.

Memphis: Close Encounters of the Third Kind. During their 24-game winning streak, the Conference USA dominators have only had three close encounters.

MIDWEST REGION:

Florida: Jurassic Park. Like the film’s dinosaurs, Joakim Noah and Al Horford use their size to wreak havoc.

Butler: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Twice they lost to the Wright State Raiders, who were better behind the arc. The Bulldogs are from Indiana, but don’t have a Jones.

Oregon: Catch Me If You Can. It’s what 5’6” dynamo Tajuan Porter says to defenders while leaving them in the dust.

UNLV: Jaws. The Runnin’ Rebels’ first Sweet 16 appearance since 1991 will inspire countless Shark references.

WEST REGION:

Kansas: The Terminal. For Bill Self, the first round was like Viktor Navorski’s JFK Airport experience. He got stuck there way too long before finally escaping this year.

Southern Illinois: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Against Holy Cross on Friday, the Salukis ended the last hope of the Crusaders.

Pittsburgh: 1941. That’s the last year in which the Panthers made it to the Final Four. Coincidentally, it was the first Final Four announced by Billy Packer.

UCLA: Saving Private Ryan. The movie’s opening battle scenes were like the first half of the Bruins’ victory over Indiana: a brutal 20 minutes that made viewers squeamish.

NCAA Second Round To Lack Color

In 1947, Jackie Robinson broke major league baseball’s color barrier with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Sixty years later, the NCAA tournament has proven that color can still be an obstacle in the sports world. Every tournament team with a colorful nickname was eliminated in the first round.


Representing the color red, the Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami of Ohio RedHawks were bounced by Boston College and Oregon, respectively. To their credit, both losing teams were competitive against higher seeds. However, they were unlikely to triumph, since red is the color of bricks. On the bright side, as a Red team from Ohio that covered the point spread, Miami made Pete Rose happy.


The Creighton Bluejays came tantalizingly close to victory before falling in overtime to Nevada. Unfortunately for Creighton, it’s hard for Bluejays to win in the postseason when Mitch Williams isn’t on the opposing roster. The other Blue victims were both Blue Devils. Central Connecticut State, as expected, was blown out by Ohio State. However, Duke suffered a rare first round defeat at the hands of Virginia Commonwealth. State Farm is making sure that Mike Krzyzewski will still be seen throughout the tournament. But the company may have to rethink its ridicule of Coach J, who has won exactly the same number of games this March as Coach K.


Due to the existence of the play-in game, at least the Niagara Purple Eagles got one victory this week. Reality set in on Friday, as Kansas quickly eliminated any thoughts of another first round upset. Two sets of Golden Eagles were also sent packing, as Marquette and Oral Roberts fell to Michigan State and Washington State, respectively. They surely would have won if they had dropped the colors from their names, as all the just-plain Eagles advanced to the second round. That group includes the Boston College Eagles, Winthrop Eagles, and CBS broadcaster Ian Eagle.


Other colorful victims included the North Texas Mean Green (against Memphis) and the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, who dropped a tough one to UNLV. The Stanford Cardinal rounded out the list. Adding an S to its nickname, like the victorious Louisville Cardinals, would have changed Stanford from a color to a group of birds. The Cardinals also possessed two other letters lacked by the Cardinal: O and D.


While the troubles were universal for teams with colorful names, the jinx did not apply to individual players. Seemingly every team left in the field has someone named Green, led by Georgetown’s Jeff Green and Florida’s Taurean Green. Other players who figured prominently in their team’s first round victories included Pittsburgh’s Aaron Gray, Indiana’s D.J. White, UNLV’s Wendell White, and Xavier’s Drew Lavender. Noting the success of those players, do not be surprised if USC guard Gabe Pruitt changes his name to Gabe Blue before Sunday’s matchup with Texas. In that case, a notable USC alumnus can once again scream “You’re my boy, Blue!”


After Selection Sunday, the omission of Syracuse from the field was a major story. However, Jim Boeheim shouldn’t have bothered complaining about the snub. His Orange would be gone by now anyway.

St. Patrick's Day & Denver Sports

This Saturday, while sports fans are riveted by the second round of March Madness, they also get to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. In the sports world, the occasion evokes images of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and the Boston Celtics. However, the teams in Denver seem to have a particularly strong connection to March 17. Here is a comparison of St. Patrick’s Day and Denver sports.


St. Patrick’s Day: A time for “the wearin’ o’ the green”
Denver Sports: John Elway triumphed after wearing out Green Bay

St. Patrick’s Day: Parades are held in honor of St. Patrick
Denver Sports: Victory parades were held in honor of Patrick Roy

St. Patrick’s Day: Partiers love to keep doing shots
Denver Sports: Carmelo Anthony loves to keep taking shots

St. Patrick’s Day: Symbolized by the shamrock
Denver Sports: The baseball team has often been the sham Rockies

St. Patrick’s Day: According to legend, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland
Denver Sports: Jay Cutler drove The Snake into retirement

St. Patrick’s Day: A holiday that inspires celebrations
Denver Sports: Matt Holliday’s home runs inspire celebrations

St. Patrick’s Day: An appreciation of all things Irish
Denver Sports: The Nuggets appreciated Alex English

St. Patrick’s Day: All day, partiers keep beer on ice
Denver Sports: For 18 seasons, the Avalanche has kept Joe Sakic on the ice

St. Patrick’s Day: Leprechauns treasure their pot of gold
Denver Sports: The Broncos treasure linebacker Ian Gold

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors large-scale beer consumption
Denver Sports: Coors Field honors large-scale beer consumption

St. Patrick’s Day: Pub patrons rejoice while raising their pint glasses
Denver Sports: The Avalanche rejoiced while raising the Stanley Cup

St. Patrick’s Day: A time for festive music
Denver Sports: The Nuggets are looking up at the Jazz

St. Patrick’s Day: Synonymous with the number 17
Denver Sports: Todd Helton is synonymous with the number 17

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors Ireland’s patron Saint
Denver Sports: New Bronco Montrae Holland is a former Saint

St. Patrick’s Day: Guinness on draft is the #1 choice
Denver Sports: In the ‘96 draft, Allen Iverson was the #1 choice

A March Madness Guide, From A To Z

The field of 65 has been set, so college basketball fans are ready for some Madness! Bubble talk will give way to brackets, buzzer-beaters, and Buckeyes. But “B” isn’t the only letter in effect for the Big Dance. Here’s an NCAA tournament guide, from A to Z.


Atlanta: It’s where everyone wants to wind up for the Final Four. Braves fans will be stunned to see a packed house for postseason games.

Butler: The fifth-seeded Bulldogs hope to reach the Sweet 16, as they did in 2003 with guard Darnell Archey. This is a rare opportunity to work a guy named Archey into the blog.

Central Connecticut State: College hoops fans will be conflicted about this team. They’re a 16 seed, so everyone will want to root for them. But they’re called the Blue Devils, so everyone will want to hate them.

Diddley Squat: What you’ll accomplish at work this Thursday and Friday, if you actually go.

Eagles: The nickname for five teams in the field (two of which are the Golden variety). As is the case in the NFL, none of the Eagles will win the title.

Foresight: What the preseason USA Today/ESPN coaches’ poll had, as the top 4 of Florida, North Carolina, Kansas, and Ohio State wound up as the #1 seeds. LSU barely missed out on that projected #2 seed.

Gainesville: A town that wants to hold yet another victory party. Over the past year, the word “celebration” has been heard more here than at a Kool & the Gang concert.

Hoyas: As coach of red-hot Georgetown, John Thompson III has proven that you can thrive in D.C. at the same job your dad held. Assuming that job is outside the White House.

In-State: For the second straight year, UCLA can secure a Final Four berth without exiting California. If you saw the weather out here today, you wouldn’t want to leave, either.

Jim Nantz: He’ll spend the early part of April announcing the Final Four and the Masters, two months after doing the Super Bowl. It sounds like every guy’s dream, but it comes at a heavy price: working with Billy Packer.

Kentucky and Villanova: With so many Wildcats in the field, some of them were bound to play each other.

Lone Ranger: Formerly the most famous masked man, he’s been replaced by UNC’s Tyler Hansbrough.

March Madness: If Tennessee wins its regional, that’s what Bruce Pearl will provide during Final Four week.

Niagara and Florida A&M: The winner of this play-in game has to face Kansas. But lately, a first-round date with the Jayhawks hasn’t been such a bad thing.

Ohio State: The Buckeyes are #1 in the polls as they chase a national championship. If their first tournament points come from Ted Ginn, Jr., they’re screwed.

Preakness: With Kentucky and Belmont in the field, it’s the only Triple Crown race not represented.

Quakers: 14th-seeded Penn will likely be in the Pacman Jones position against Texas A&M: on the wrong side of the Law.

Ryan: As usual, Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan has a tough defensive team. Among Ryans, only Nolan has been harder on opposing offenses.

Stan: A name that many critics feel does not belong in the tourney, represented by coach Stan Heath of Arkansas, as well as Stanford. In response, officials at Drexel plan to expel all students named Stan.

This Year’s George Mason: Already a tiresome cliché, it’s currently the second-most overused phrase in sports, behind “Tom Brady is the father.”

Uniforms: The basis on which the winner of your pool will make their picks, while you’re pulling an all-nighter looking at scouting reports.

Vanderbilt: The Big Dance is an appropriate place for The Commodores. But if you hear the phrase “Brick House,” they’ve gone home early.

Wright State and Jackson State: I’ve been out of school for a while, but when did Wright and Jackson become states? I’d say the same about Weber State, but as a UNC alum I shouldn’t joke about them.

Xavier: Sure, it’s a predictable cop-out to go with Xavier. But they’re in the field, unlike Xanadu State or Xenophobia Tech.

Youth: Freshmen will play a huge role in this tournament. Some experts say that Kevin Durant could “pull a Carmelo,” so they must be expecting him to punch a guy from the Knicks.

Zero: The number of quality opponents faced by Memphis in Conference USA.

College Hoops Before & After

With March Madness kicking off next Thursday, the time is right for an edition of “College Hoops Before and After!” Every once in a while, I do a “Sports Before and After” column as a way of paying homage to my Jeopardy! experience. As with the “Before and After” category on the show, the answer to each clue combines two different subjects, with the end of the first part being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the animated Canadian mountie who’s the ACC Player of the Year, you would answer “Jared Dudley Do-Right.”

Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck! Every entry relates to someone or something that’s involved with this year’s NCAA tournament. Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question.


1. Horizon League champion who starts at forward for North Carolina

2. 2003 Diane Lane movie about the league represented by North Texas

3. 1984 Laura Branigan hit about the Kansas head coach

4. Bowtie-wearing pundit who’s the Big Ten Player of the Year

5. Tournament-ending song about a presidential airplane

6. Memphis-led league that sang “We Are the World”

7. Hit ABC drama about a Pittsburgh center

8. 1998 Valparaiso hero who plays guard for Michigan State

9. Katherine Anne Porter novel about a UCLA forward

10. Nevada head coach who’s a “Fair and Balanced” network

11. Florida big man who was a long-time ER cast member

12. Mariska Hargitay series about a clutch Texas A&M guard

13. 1980 Clint Eastwood movie about a controversial CBS commentator

14. John Milton poem about Indiana’s head coach

15. Led Zeppelin album about the Patriot League champion

16. Animated female character who plays guard for Maryland

17. Tennessee head coach who wrote The Good Earth

18. Mountain West Conference member who sang “Bust a Move”

19. Dean Cain/Teri Hatcher series about a CBS studio analyst

20. Southern Illinois star who won an Oscar for Paper Moon

21. Bookstore chain named for the Texas head coach

22. Hooterville-set sitcom about a Georgetown forward

23. Star Oregon guard who won four CMA Awards in 2006

24. 1984 Billy Idol hit about Ohio State’s nickname

25. Daily Show network that won the Northeast Conference


ANSWERS:

1. Brandan Wright State

2. Under the Tuscan Sun Belt Conference

3. Bill Self Control

4. Alando Tucker Carlson

5. Air Force One Shining Moment

6. Conference USA For Africa

7. Aaron Gray’s Anatomy

8. Bryce Drew Neitzel

9. Josh Shipp of Fools

10. Mark Fox News Channel

11. Joakim Noah Wyle

12. Acie Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

13. Bronco Billy Packer

14. Kelvin Sampson Agonistes

15. Houses of the Holy Cross

16. D.J. Strawberry Shortcake

17. Bruce Pearl Buck

18. Brigham Young MC

19. Lois & Clark Kellogg

20. Jamaal Tatum O’Neal

21. Rick Barnes & Noble

22. Jeff Green Acres

23. Aaron Brooks & Dunn

24. Buckeyes Without A Face

25. Comedy Central Connecticut State

A Comparison Of Mavericks

With Tuesday’s 102-89 victory over the New Jersey Nets, the Dallas Mavericks increased their winning streak to 16 games and, amazingly with 22 games remaining, clinched a playoff berth. The Chicago Bears have lost more recently than the Mavs, who are a stunning 51-5 since dropping their opening four contests of the season.

Like a certain high-flying character named Maverick, the Dallas Mavericks came onto the scene in the 1980s. That Maverick was the box office champ in 1986. These Mavericks are hungry for a title this year. Here are some other comparisons between the Mavericks.


Maverick: Star of Top Gun
Dallas Mavericks: Topped Suns in conference finals

Maverick: Tormented by memories of Goose
Dallas Mavericks: Jason Terry tormented by memories of the Hawks

Maverick: Turned back a foreign threat
Dallas Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki is a foreign threat

Maverick: Learned never to leave his wingman
Dallas Mavericks: Defensive ace Josh Howard plays on the wing and never leaves his man

Maverick: Father was listed as missing in action
Dallas Mavericks: Defense used to be missing in action

Maverick: Was put down by Hot Shots!
Dallas Mavericks: Were put down by Heat shots

Maverick: Continually tested his instructors’ patience
Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban continually tests David Stern’s patience

Maverick: “I. Went. To. The. Danger Zone!”
Dallas Mavericks: Are dangerous against a zone

Dallas Mavericks: Play in the Lone Star State
Maverick: Played by a loon star

Maverick: Part of “the best of the best”
Dallas Mavericks: The best of the West

Maverick: Felt the need for speed
Dallas Mavericks: Devin Harris fills the need for speed

Maverick: Battled against Russian MiGs
Dallas Mavericks: Battle against a Chinese Ming

Dallas Mavericks: Are great in the American Airlines Center
Maverick: A great American who put it on the line in the air

Maverick: Nights with Charlie would “Take my breath awaaaaay…”
Dallas Mavericks: Nights with Dwyane Wade took their rings away

Maverick: Flourished in a Jerry Bruckheimer production
Dallas Mavericks: Flourish thanks to Jerry Stackhouse’s production

Maverick: Commander Viper spent a long career in the Navy
Dallas Mavericks: Commander Johnson spent a long career with a center from the Navy

Maverick: Accused by Iceman of not being a team player
Dallas Mavericks: In the same town as Terrell Owens

Maverick: Was a hot-shot flyer
Dallas Mavericks: Providence product Austin Croshere was a hot-shot Friar

Maverick: Felt entitled to break the rules
Dallas Mavericks: As NBA players, feel entitled to break the traveling rule

Maverick: Sang You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
Dallas Mavericks: They’ve lost that losin’ feelin’

Top 10 Excuses For Gerald Henderson

Yesterday in the Dean Smith Center, North Carolina completed a regular season sweep of Duke with an 86-72 victory. The rivalry game was fairly unremarkable until 14.5 seconds remained. At that juncture, Duke’s Gerald Henderson bloodied the face of UNC’s Tyler Hansbrough with a flagrant foul, permanently earning villain status in Chapel Hill.

Henderson was ejected and will miss Duke’s first round ACC tournament game versus NC State on Thursday. However, he did have numerous explanations for his already infamous play. Here are the top 10 reasons for Gerald Henderson’s flagrant foul.


10. He wanted to show the Duke football team how to hit someone.

9. He was attempting to block the shot, assuming Hansbrough was trying to shoot his head into the basket.

8. He didn’t feel like playing next Thursday night anyway – that’s Ugly Betty time!

7. Ticky-tack ACC refs insist on calling a foul when you elbow a guy in the face and make him bleed.

6. He would have stepped on him, but he didn’t want to steal Laettner’s move.

5. He just hasn’t been himself since Anna Nicole left us.

4. You’d be pissed off, too, if you went to Duke and wound up on a crappy team.

3. He wanted to prove that unlike J.J. Redick, he could connect in the last 15 seconds of a game.

2. He figured the flagrant foul would be put on Pete Gaudet’s record.

AND…

1. As a Duke defender, he was trying to slap the floor when Hansbrough’s face got in the way.

Rough Week For Recent Champs

Over the past three seasons, Connecticut, North Carolina, and Florida have each experienced the thrill of an NCAA basketball championship. Those glorious memories stand in stark contrast to the past two games for each school. For the Huskies, Tar Heels, and Gators, the past week has been one to forget.


Things were different just nine days ago on February 21, when all three teams captured victories. UNC avenged an earlier loss to NC State with an 83-64 triumph over the Wolfpack. Florida claimed a 63-49 win over South Carolina, who had beaten the Gators twice last season. UConn got the best of Rutgers by a 65-55 margin. According to Huskies coach Jim Calhoun, the key to the victory was “showing up at Rutgers for a basketball game.”


However, the three titans have only tasted defeat since then. UConn’s losses are not a major surprise, given the up-and-down season for the extremely young team. The Huskies fell 76-69 on Sunday to Louisville as the Cardinals completed a season sweep. The only stunning aspect of the game is that two teams in the 38-member Big East actually played each other twice. On Wednesday, UConn fell 78-74 to a Villanova team that likely secured an NCAA berth. Wildcat freshman Scottie Reynolds scored 40 points before fouling out with 40 seconds left, with Villanova shooting 40 percent for the game. With so many 40’s on the premises, Gampel Pavilion seemed like a 7-11 parking lot.


Unlike the Huskies, the Tar Heels were not supposed to endure a losing streak. On Sunday, UNC squandered a double-digit lead in the last eight minutes of an 89-87 heartbreaker at red-hot Maryland. That night, the big winner at the Oscars was The Departed, a description of the Heels’ second-half defense and rebounding. Coach Roy Williams was not any happier last night, as Carolina dropped an 84-77 contest at Georgia Tech. Another UNC Williams – Marvin Williams of the 2005 national championship squad – was stunned by the result. As a member of the Hawks, Marvin never expects the home team to win a basketball game in Atlanta. There is one silver lining to the Heels’ sub-par performance. If they continue to look like that, they won’t have to worry about playing in Atlanta again this season.


The Gators seemed particularly immune to a slide, having returned all five starters from last year’s national championship run. However, coach John Brady led struggling LSU to a 66-56 upset over Billy Donovan’s visitors on Saturday. As in Super Bowl XXXIX, Brady got the best of Donovan. This Donovan didn’t get to throw to T.O., but he probably did want to puke in a late-game huddle. On Tuesday, Florida went down 86-76 at Tennessee. There was one sight in Knoxville that no one ever would have expected. Not Pat Summitt in a cheerleading outfit, but Peyton Manning at a game where his Vols beat the Gators.


UConn will be expected to lose again on Saturday, as it travels to ninth-ranked Georgetown. On the other hand, UNC and Florida will get to return home as they take on traditional powerhouses on Sunday. If Kentucky falls to the Gators for a sixth straight time, Wildcat fans may feed coach Tubby Smith to some actual gators. As the Tar Heels get ready for Duke, they can be encouraged by the fact that they beat the Blue Devils on February 7 after coming off a loss. Since UNC enters this one after two straight defeats, they should play twice as well.


It is worth noting that the Huskies, Tar Heels, and Gators last won on Ash Wednesday. Perhaps each team waited a day before giving up victories for Lent. Or maybe they heeded the words of Genesis 3:19, a passage sometimes uttered by priests as they place ashes on worshipers’ foreheads: “Remember that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.”

Oscar Notables & Their Sports Counterparts

Another edition of the Academy Awards is in the books. Like March Madness, you had fans entering pools and celebrating the winners. The Oscar participants also share some similarities to the athletic world. Here are some sports counterparts for all the acting nominees, as well as a few other notables from Sunday’s ceremony.


BEST ACTOR:

Forest Whitaker: Dikembe Mutombo. Whitaker was quite convincing as an African big man.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Tom Brady. Both have dated Giselle Bündchen. Plus, in an early draft of Titanic, Leo’s drowning was reversed by the Tuck Rule.

Ryan Gosling: Bruce Pearl. Gosling played a drug-addicted teacher and basketball coach. Pearl is a basketball coach who acts like he’s on drugs.

Peter O’Toole: Joe Paterno. They came to prominence in the 1960s and are still as feisty as ever.

Will Smith: Roger Federer. Smith rules the box office over the 4th of July weekend, while Federer also collects high-profile titles in July.

BEST ACTRESS:

Helen Mirren: Julio Franco. Mirren looks great for her age and won for The Queen. Franco looks great for his age and wins in Queens.

Penelope Cruz: Pau Gasol. Like Gasol with the Memphis Grizzlies, Cruz is a native of Spain who was a longshot to win.

Judi Dench: Devin Hester. The Dame won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love in just eight minutes on screen. Hester also makes an unforgettable impact in a brief time span.

Meryl Streep: Albert Pujols. You just take it for granted that they’ll be in awards contention every year.

Kate Winslet: Colin Montgomerie. They’re Brits who have been close many times, but haven’t yet won the big prize.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Jennifer Hudson: Eli Manning. Hudson’s victory was due to her show-stopping singing of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” which is what Eli said about San Diego.

Adriana Barraza: Bill Bidwell. Like Barraza’s character, the Arizona Cardinals owner has had nothing but misery in the desert.

Cate Blanchett: Serena Williams. They’re fashionable, have great range, and have been cheered in Australia.

Abigail Breslin: Michelle Wie. Like Wie at PGA tournaments, Breslin’s character was a girl who entered a competition where many felt she didn’t belong.

Rinko Kikuchi: Daisuke Matsuzaka. They’re young Japan natives who have not been seen by most Americans.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Alan Arkin: Bobby Knight. On his way to victory, Arkin acted as a foul-mouthed old man.

Jackie Earle Haley: George Foreman. They were in the limelight in the 70s, disappeared for a long time, and came back better than anyone could have expected.

Djimon Hounsou: Mike Krzyzewski. They’re filled with intensity, and most Americans can’t spell their names.

Eddie Murphy: Charles Barkley. They became famous in the 80s, and they’re interesting when they’re serious. But you always want them to be funny.

Mark Wahlberg: Dirk Nowitzki. Wahlberg portrayed a high-scoring Dirk in Boogie Nights.

OTHERS OF NOTE:

Ellen DeGeneres: Alfonso Soriano. Like the host of the Oscars, the new Chicago Cub will be a daytime star.

Al Gore: Vince Young. They lost out in the voting to a Bush, but respect for them has grown ever since.

Martin Scorsese: Dean Spanos. Like the Chargers president, Scorsese said goodbye to the Marty who couldn’t win the big one.

Saturday For The Tigers - Great In The SEC, Miserable Elsewhere

Of all sports nicknames, “Tigers” is one of the most common. Since we’re in February, the Detroit Tigers are not yet in action. However, the college basketball world offered plenty of Tigers on Saturday. Their success depended entirely on what conference to which they belonged. It was a huge day for Tigers in the SEC, but depressing for all the other Tigers.


The LSU Tigers made the biggest splash with a 66-56 stunner over #3 Florida in Baton Rouge. Although the game matched two of last year’s Final Four, the Bayou Bengals were heavy underdogs as they entered with 9 losses in their previous 10 games. However, they got 18 points from Terry Martin and 17 from Garrett Temple, and they shut down the high-powered Gators on the defensive end. The Tigers even pulled off the shocker without leading scorer and rebounder Glen “Big Baby” Davis. Official reports attributed his absence to a pulled right quadriceps. Reportedly, as a Baby who attracts media attention, Davis was also distracted by rumors that a celebrity would try to adopt him.


Staying in the SEC, the Auburn Tigers finished off a season sweep of #25 Alabama with an 86-77 victory in Tuscaloosa. In 21 of its previous 22 trips to enemy territory, Auburn had gone home as Tusca-Losers. However, Quan Prowell and Korvotney Barber each scored 17 points to put the Crimson Tide’s NCAA tournament hopes in jeopardy. Responding to another loss to the hated rival school, Bama fired Mike Shula again.


Unfortunately for other Tigers, such good fortune did not extend outside the SEC. The Clemson Tigers continued their slide with a 59-54 setback at Boston College. On January 13, Clemson was 17-0 as it entered a road contest at Maryland. Things have changed quite a bit from that day, when the San Diego Chargers were the Super Bowl favorites and Britney Spears had hair. Beginning with a loss in College Park, the Tigers have dropped 9 of 11 to slip to the wrong side of the bubble. Exxon once had a slogan, “Put a tiger in your tank.” For Clemson the past six weeks, it’s been “Watch the Tigers as they tank.”


The Missouri Tigers also absorbed a bitter road defeat. Entering Saturday on a three-game winning streak, Missouri fell 82-77 in overtime at Nebraska. The setback dashed the Tigers’ faint NCAA tournament hopes, and not just because they dropped to 6-8 in Big XII play. By rule, any team that gets swept by Nebraska is automatically ineligible for the Big Dance.


All other Division I Tigers in action on Saturday went down to defeat. The Towson Tigers lost to Drexel. The Pacific Tigers did likewise to Cal State Northridge. The Princeton Tigers fell short at Harvard. And the SWAC provided a double-whammy to its Tigers, as Grambling succumbed to Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Jackson State could not handle Mississippi Valley State. You could argue that Princeton’s loss to the Crimson was cancelled out by Auburn’s win over the Crimson Tide. Plus, Towson, Grambling, and Jackson State had to deal with Dragons, Golden Lions, and Delta Devils, respectively. Those creatures sound pretty scary, but all Pacific had to do was maul a bunch of Matadors. That should be a breeze for Tigers.


The most high-profile of all Tigers had a disappointing Saturday because he was NOT in action. Tiger Woods was absent from the WGC Accenture Match Play Championship after being eliminated by Nick O’Hern in Friday’s third round. Woods is human, so his winning streak on the PGA Tour was bound to end sometime. However, the real loser was NBC, which will settle for the Geoff Ogilvy-Henrik Stenson final on Sunday. Ogilvy actually has great credentials, having won this event last year before capturing the U.S. Open. However, one NBC Sports executive asked, “Ogilvy??? Isn’t he the brainiac kid in The Bad News Bears?” Then the executive resumed his heavy drinking.


The Memphis Tigers also missed out by not seeing action on Saturday. The Conference USA schedule brings Memphis a guaranteed win every game, so John Calipari’s crew did not get their regular dose of victory this Saturday. Fortunately for the Tigers, they resume action Sunday at home against Houston. Memphis’s 13-0 league start has included 12 double-digit victories. Not that they need an edge, but the Tigers will even get to host the conference tournament at the FedEx Forum. Aware of the lack of suspense the tournament will bring, Conference USA officials are debating whether to market the event as “Bored in the USA” or “Disgraceland.”


As for Saturday, the glory belonged to the Tigers from LSU and Auburn. Last weekend, both schools were represented at NBA All-Star Weekend, as Auburn’s Charles Barkley outran Dick Bavetta, and LSU’s Shaquille O’Neal started for the Eastern Conference. Although Shaq’s team lost the game, both these former Tigers left Vegas as winners. Because neither guy hung out with Pacman Jones.

An "O.C." View Of The Sports World

After four seasons on the air, The O.C. airs its final episode on Thursday. When the show premiered in 2003, Orange County was home to the defending World Series champions and the reigning NHL Western Conference winners. Neither the Angels nor the Ducks have gotten back to those lofty heights, just as the series’ ratings have plummeted since its opening season. Nevertheless, in honor of the show’s finale, here is an “O.C.” view of today’s sports world.


In the NFL, the Omnipresent Commercial star led the Overjoyed Colts to an Overdue Championship. Since then, the Oddball Chargers hired the 49ers’ Offensive Coordinator to replace their Ousted Coach. Elsewhere, Ocho Cinco is one of the Only Cincinnati players living Outside Cellblocks.


On Campus, Florida’s Outstanding Chris Leak Outlasted Critics to inspire Orgasmic Celebrations in Gainesville. Operation Carroll, aka USC, is the early favorite for next season. The Trojans will be tested on the road by Notre Dame, Oregon, California, and the Ornery Cornhuskers.


As for baseball, the Optimistic Cardinals look to repeat. Yankee fans will call A-Rod an Overpaid Choker until he delivers in the October Clutch. Their rivals hope that Daisuke Matsuzaka is more like an Overpowering Clemens than an Oil Can Boyd. The Angels-A’s rivalry will be as intense as Obama-Clinton, with numerous battles between Orlando Cabrera and Oakland Closer Huston Street. Oriole Cal will Obey Cooperstown’s call, but Ozzie Canseco’s brother did not make the cut.


The NBA held its All-Star Game in the land of Opulent Casinos, Overflowing Cash, and Organized Crime. An Overweight Charles outran an Old Codger, while Gerald Green did more jumping than an Overexposed Cruise on Oprah’s Couch. Oklahoma City won’t win the title, but an Obvious Contender is Dallas, Owned Confidently by the Outspoken Cuban who Outrages Commissioner Stern.


Occupying College basketball’s throne, the top-ranked Gators were stunned by the Overlooked Commodores. Their Oden-Centered Ohio Challengers hope to cut down the nets, like the Orange Carmelo team and Okafor’s Connecticut Huskies. In the Buckeyes’ Own Conference, Alando Tucker is a senior star – what many Observers Considered an Outdated Concept. Offering Contrast, freshman Kevin Durant dominates Big XII Opposition Consistently, to the Ongoing Chagrin of Oklahoma, Colorado, and the rest.


Above the border, Ontario, Canada is Obsessively Crazy about the NHL. The league features great rivalries such as Oilers-Calgary and Ovechkin-Crosby. However, in the U.S., hockey is buried on an Obscure Channel.


As for individual sports, Kevin Harvick was an Opportunistic Chevy driver as he Outraced Crashes to beat the Other Cars to the finish at Daytona. Roger Federer destroyed his Outmanned Competitors on the Australian Open Courts. And Tiger Woods is always eager to Obliterate Courses, as his Overwhelmed Contemporaries Obediently Crumble.


Outfielders, Catchers, and all other players have to face the end sometime. Likewise, the Outgoing Cast of The O.C. is ready for the Official Conclusion. Ultimately, you can’t Overcome Cancellation.

Branson, Missouri To Host 2009 NBA All-Star Game

NBA All-Star Weekend wrapped up Sunday night, as MVP Kobe Bryant and Amare Stoudemire led the Western Conference to a 153-132 rout. Las Vegas was a glamorous locale for the festivities, and New Orleans will be a first-time host next year. Today, the league continued the trend of finding new cities for the event. Commissioner David Stern announced that Branson, Missouri will host the 2009 All-Star Game.


Stern indicated that the decision was a natural extension of holding the event in Las Vegas. The weekend proved that the game and surrounding activities could be held in a non-NBA city. For the next available All-Star Game, the league was determined to go back to a location without an NBA franchise. Therefore, the finalists were Branson and Atlanta.


Branson was a natural fit, since it is often referred to as the “Family-friendly Las Vegas.” Like its Nevada counterpart, it offers plenty of live music shows for visitors. Branson even has a similar slogan: “What happens in Branson? Seriously, does anything happen here?” Unlike Vegas, Branson does not have any casinos. Charles Barkley may be particularly disappointed by the absence of gambling options. However, on the bright side for Sir Charles, there will be plenty of old people around for him to race.


Branson is in a highly conservative area, so the town’s residents will have a different experience during All-Star Weekend. Unless they’re at a Charley Pride concert, they’re not used to seeing black people. Also, the pro-military townspeople will have to endure an event that mocks the importance of a strong defense. However, Branson will lend some Leave It To Beaver-style nostalgia to the event. Players in the All-Star Game will all sport buzz cuts, short shorts, and knee socks. Instead of the NBA’s prevailing hip-hop culture, this All-Star Game will embody the sock hop culture.


With that theme in mind, the Slam Dunk Contest and Three-Point Shootout will be replaced by the Bounce Pass Competition and Running Hook Shot Contest. Events will also prominently feature popular Branson entertainers. In honor of singer and Moon River Theater owner Andy Williams, the league will hold a Williams Game consisting entirely of NBA players named Williams. There will also be a tribute to the growing influence of European players, hosted by Yakov Smirnoff. Christina Aguilera will get another opportunity to perform at halftime, but only if she changes her name to Christina Osmond.


The Branson area is no stranger to high-profile basketball events. Since 2000, Keeter Gymnasium at the College of the Ozarks in nearby Point Lookout has hosted the NAIA Division II men’s basketball tournament each March. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and others will bring their high-scoring ways to the area in 2009. However, none of them can overshadow Northwestern (Iowa) star Brandon Woudstra, who tallied 322 points in the 2000-03 tournaments. Even Kobe can’t score that many in the All-Star Game, unless it goes to overtime.


All-Star Weekend in Branson will be quite a change from the non-stop partying of Las Vegas and New Orleans. Some observers may be skeptical that the Missouri town can attract as many celebrities and fans as those cities. However, Branson is fully aware that with the NBA All-Star Game, it’s all about the show. So there’s no better place for it than the Show-Me State.

Peyton Manning To Compete In Daytona 500

On February 4, Peyton Manning fulfilled a lifelong dream as his Indianapolis Colts finally won the Super Bowl with a 29-17 triumph over the Chicago Bears. Peyton could be excused if he chose to take it easy for a while. However, the taste of victory has only made him hungry for more. With that in mind, Manning will race in Sunday’s Daytona 500.


Peyton will take the place of J.J. Yeley, starting in row 6. Yeley was slotted to drive the #18 car for Joe Gibbs Racing. However, based on the Colts’ 36-22 victory over the Washington Redskins in October, Manning had earned the right to bump any driver on Gibbs’s team. Since Peyton is synonymous with the number 18, Yeley had to give up his spot. Now, instead of leading drives for Tony Dungy, Manning will drive with Tony Stewart.


Given his lack of NASCAR experience, many fans were critical of Manning’s inclusion in the race. Considering the city in which he plays, most considered him a better fit for the Indianapolis 500. Also, he cannot compete for the Nextel Cup, since The Chase coincides with the NFL regular season. Skeptics proclaimed that Manning will be left in the dust after falling behind early. Peyton responded by referring to the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl. He came back to win, even after an opponent traveling at high speed immediately put him behind.


Sometimes called The Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing, the Daytona 500 has numerous parallels to the NFL’s showcase event. Sunday’s competition is also known as The Great American Race, and this year’s Super Bowl inspired discussions about race in America. Jimmie Johnson seeks to repeat at Daytona, just like Jimmy Johnson won back-to-back Super Bowls. Chevrolet’s four-year victory streak in the race shows a particularly strong link to football. William Clay Ford owns the Detroit Lions, so you don’t see Fords winning the Super Bowl, either.


Manning felt that he would be completely at home on the NASCAR circuit. He uses sound judgment when passing, and as a high-scoring Colt he wins with horsepower. In the same vein as the Allisons, Pettys, and Earnhardts, his primary sport is a family business. Most notably, like all NASCAR drivers he endorses a huge number of products while competing on Sundays.


During the race, Peyton will have constant reminders of his football experiences. His focus on the checkered flag will remind him of Tennessee, where he focused on the checkerboard end zone. He must periodically make pit stops, whereas last year he was stopped by Pittsburgh. Several crew chiefs have been barred from Sunday’s race, just like Manning’s Colts knocked some Chiefs out of action. As he did two weeks ago, Peyton hopes to win a championship in Florida. He feels confident because Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a car in the race.


Against the Bears, Manning captured the title that had eluded him for so long. His experience was much like Dale Earnhardt in winning the Daytona 500 at long last in 1998. Peyton will get to race Dale, Jr., but he would have gladly taken his chances against the departed legend as well. Once you’ve gotten past Brian Urlacher, no other Intimidator can scare you.

Celtics Hire Schottenheimer As Head Coach

On Monday, San Diego Chargers president Dean Spanos fired Marty Schottenheimer as the team’s head coach. The move resulted primarily due to Scottenheimer’s dysfunctional relationship with general manager A.J. Smith. However, the coach was not out of a job for long. Today, the downtrodden Boston Celtics hired Schottenheimer as their new head coach.


Schottenheimer replaces Doc Rivers, who was demoted to an assistant position rather than fired. Executive director of basketball operations Danny Ainge felt that keeping the former coach around would benefit Marty, who is accustomed to being in charge of a guy named Rivers. Schottenheimer jumped at the opportunity to coach the Celtics, since he’s been spent the past month wishing he could have seen a New England team lose. He is hoping that Chargers star LaDainian Tomlinson will watch his new team play, since there is no danger that LT will have to witness an excessive victory celebration.


The Boston roster has many familiar elements for the new coach. The Celtics include Delonte West, while San Diego is in the AFC West. Gerald Green will compete in this weekend’s NBA Slam Dunk Contest, while the Chargers also showcase a Jammer (Quentin). San Diego tight end Antonio Gates, a former Kent State hoops player, has something in common with the entire Celtics roster. His days of playing competitive basketball are in the past.


Other elements of the NBA franchise are reminiscent of San Diego. The Celtics have already lost 21 home games at TD Banknorth Garden. Marty habitually associates the number 21 with the letters TD. At times, Boston’s Paul Pierce is a lights-out shooter, while Charger Shawne Merriman is called “Lights Out” and shoots up. As for the Celtics’ familiar leprechaun mascot, Schottenheimer will go from a Merriman to a merry man.


Currently on an 18-game losing streak, Boston’s numerous shortcomings are familiar to the new coach. Last week, Schottenheimer saw defensive coordinator Wade Phillips leave to become the Dallas Cowboys’ head coach. Like the Chargers, the Celtics wish they could have a guy named Wade. In December, Boston failed to land Allen Iverson, who wound up with the Nuggets. Marty knows all about feeling disappointment after losing out to a Denver team. The Celtics’ last championship in 1986 does diverge from the Super Bowl-deprived coach. That Boston team was coached by K.C. Jones and featured Robert “Chief” Parish. With Schottenheimer, the K.C. Chiefs were not able to win a title.


Most NBA observers do not expect Schottenheimer to reverse the Celtics’ fortunes, as “Marty Ball” seemingly will lead to more defeats. Under this strategy, the Boston players will stay on the ground during the fourth quarter, rarely choosing to pass the ball. Skeptics claim that the team is intentionally courting losses in order to maximize its opportunities in the NBA draft lottery, seeking to land Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. However, there is no guarantee that the ping pong balls will go the Celtics’ way. With Marty around, those balls might even be fumbled away by Ernest Byner.


Schottenheimer will make his NBA coaching debut on Wednesday, when the Celtics host the Milwaukee Bucks. It remains to be seen how the Boston fans will receive him, but they do agree with Marty on one thing. They hate that the Lombardi Trophy is in Indy.

Today's Look At Pac-10 Hoops

The Pac-10 has often been mocked by college basketball fans outside the region in recent years. That perception has changed this season, even though conference leader UCLA (without starter Darren Collison) lost at West Virginia on Saturday. Here’s how the Pac-10 shapes up after this past weekend’s games.


UCLA: 10-2 Conference, 21-3 Overall: Guard Aaron Afflalo looks to lead the Bruins back to the Final Four. The NBA will ultimately be perfect for him: his initials are AA, and the refs let you take 12 steps.

Washington State: 10-3, 21-4: In coach Tony Bennett’s initial season after taking over for father Dick, the Cougars have won 20 games for the first time since 1993-94. Reached for comment, Tony remarked, “Dad was a real slack-ass.”

USC: 8-4, 18-7: O.J. Mayo will make the Trojans even better next year, but the prized recruit just received a three-game suspension. Reggie Bush must be involved somehow.

Oregon: 8-5, 20-5: Guard Aaron Brooks might win the Pac-10 player of the year award. Still, a confused Randy Moss blasted Brooks for not getting him the ball.

Arizona: 8-5, 17-7: After a win in Eugene, the Wildcats’ 23rd consecutive NCAA tournament bid appears safe. They’re as much of a March fixture as sloppy drunks wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” buttons.

Stanford: 7-5, 15-8: The Cardinal has been boosted by freshman twins Brook and Robin Lopez. Too bad they don’t play for Arizona, where they’d be the Lute Olson Twins.

Washington: 6-7, 16-8: U-Dub still faces an uphill climb to return to the NCAA tournament. But inspiration will come from former Huskie Nate Robinson’s credo at the NBA Slam-Dunk Contest: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again.”

California: 4-8, 12-12: The Bears have lost six in a row. Fans are blaming Rex Grossman.

Oregon State: 2-11, 10-16: The Pac-10 tournament used to exclude the bottom two teams. But could you imagine this event without the Beavers? Yeah, I could too.

Arizona State: 0-13, 6-18: Although coach Herb Sendek left NC State, his current team represents what most ACC fans would love to see: the Devils in last place.


Pac-10 commissioner Thomas Hansen is confident that the league will make him proud in March. If nothing else, he already gets points for accuracy. Unlike the Big Ten and Atlantic 10, the Pac-10 actually has 10 teams.

Heels Keep Duke On Course For Winless February

On January 28, Duke notched an impressive 75-61 victory over Boston College. The win was the fifth in a row for the Blue Devils as they closed out the month. However, the subsequent month has been far less kind to Mike Krzyzewski’s team. Duke appears doomed to endure a winless February.


Last night, the Blue Devils fell to 0-3 during the month with a 79-73 setback to hated rival North Carolina in Cameron Indoor Stadium. Freshmen carried the day on both sides. Jon Scheyer led Duke with a career-high 26 points, while Brandan Wright paced the Tar Heels with 19. Ty Lawson made the difference for UNC with several key plays down the stretch. These standouts would be the week’s most notable Diaper Dandies, if not for psycho astronaut Lisa Nowak.


The victory was Carolina’s second consecutive in Durham, so DeMarcus Nelson is the only Blue Devil to have played in a win over the Heels in Cameron. Sophomore point guard Greg Paulus has not been so fortunate. Yesterday was also national signing day for college football, so his brother Mike made it official that he will play quarterback down the road in Chapel Hill. Unlike Greg, Mike will never have to worry about winning UNC-Duke matchups.


Duke’s misfortune appeared to spread to its alumni in the NBA Wednesday night. Every player from Duke who saw action wound up with a loss. That group was represented by J.J. Redick, Elton Brand, Daniel Ewing, Mike Dunleavy, and Dahntay Jones. Four other Dukies had “DNP” next to their names in the box scores, including Redick’s Orlando Magic teammate Grant Hill. His missing a game due to injury is equally as surprising as seeing Duke players lose in the NBA.


As for the current Blue Devils, their February miseries began with a 68-66 overtime defeat at Virginia on February 1, as Sean Singletary nailed the game-winner with one second remaining. Their next loss came against Florida State, which notched its first victory in Cameron after 15 defeats. Redick’s number was retired at halftime. In a fitting tribute to his Duke days, the Blue Devils failed to hit a shot with the game on the line.


After last night’s defeat, it is clear that February will bring nothing but pain for Duke. In the post-game press conference, Coach K remarked, “I think the key to the game was OW, MY BACK!!!” If he manages to make the trip to Maryland this Sunday, he will surely want to take a side visit to the White House. It could be the only time all month that Coach K gets to see a W.


Duke’s February struggles are relevant to numerous aspects associated with the month. February is well-known as Black History Month. Blue Devil fans are honoring the occasion by reflecting on heroes such as Johnny Dawkins, Grant Hill, and Shane Battier – desperately wishing they could still suit up for Duke. Also, the birthstone for February is the purple gem amethyst. On exposure to heat, amethyst generally becomes yellow. The same is true of Duke center Josh McRoberts.


Several notable days in February also relate to the Blue Devils. On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil did not predict six more weeks of winter. However, Phil was reportedly heard whispering, “But Duke has four more weeks of losing.” On Valentine’s Day, the Devils will visit Boston College. In a nod to the Kay Jewelers commercials, the key phrase for Krzyzewski’s poor shooters will be “Every miss begins with K.” Finally, Presidents’ Day will bring a reminder that the only Duke alumnus to serve as U.S. President was Richard Nixon. Like the man who left office more than two years early, Duke’s struggles during crunch time show that they can’t finish the job, either.


The Blue Devils will get another crack at UNC on March 4. They will be decisive underdogs to knock off Roy Williams and his Tar Heels in the Dean Smith Center. But at least they won’t be in February anymore.