Notre Dame & Other NBC Shows

In a matchup of proud but struggling programs, Michigan throttled Notre Dame 38-0 on Saturday. While the Wolverines hope the victory turns around their season, the Fighting Irish are left to wallow in the misery of an 0-3 start. The Golden Domers famously have a broadcast agreement with NBC for their home games. These days, the action from South Bend bears no resemblance to the high-level NFL games featured by the network on Sunday nights. But how do the Irish stack up with NBC shows on other nights? Here’s a look at the network’s fall lineup, and how those titles relate to the team.


MONDAY:

8:00: Chuck: Coach Charlie Weis, or the upchucking he’s been doing after games.

9:00: Heroes: People who are nowhere to be found at Notre Dame Stadium.

10:00: Journeyman: Another term for Midshipman – someone who actually has a shot at the Irish this year.

TUESDAY:

8:00: The Biggest Loser: What ND will be on October 20, when USC comes to town.

9:00: The Singing Bee: A Georgia Tech Yellow Jacket, after his team’s 33-3 domination in South Bend.

10:00: Law & Order: SVU: Riots that would take place on the campus of victorious Southern Virginia University (SVU), if only they got to play the Irish.

WEDNESDAY:

8:00 (Also Friday at 8:00): Deal or No Deal: Phrase frequently uttered by ND fans as they look to unload their tickets.

9:00: Bionic Woman: A reminder of the late 1970s – something the program could really use.

10:00: Life: Something the offense desperately needs.

THURSDAY:

8:00: My Name Is Earl: What babbling former coach Lou Holtz is saying right now in the ESPN studio.

8:30: 30 Rock: The team’s first three games, in which the Irish have gotten rocked by an average of 30.

9:00: The Office: Where ND alumni are getting abuse from co-workers every Monday morning.

9:30: Scrubs: Players who only see action in blowouts, also known as games vs. Notre Dame.

10:00: ER: As opposed to “Wake Up the Echoes,” it’s an abbreviation for “Echoes Resting.”

FRIDAY:

9:00: Friday Night Lights: Like ND home games, it’s an NBC broadcast that focuses on a high school football team.

10:00: Las Vegas: Where the Irish want to play their games, since what happens there, stays there.

Top 10 Excuses By Matt Estrella For Taping the Jets' Sideline

The New England Patriots are currently in hot water with the NFL, after the league determined that the Patriots illegally videotaped defensive signals by the New York Jets’ coaches on Sunday. NFL security officials had confiscated a camera and videotape from New England video assistant Matt Estrella during the first quarter of the Patriots’ 38-14 victory.

New England faces the possibility of significant sanctions from commissioner Roger Goodell, including the potential loss of multiple draft picks. The Patriots will be allowed to present their case before Goodell makes his decision. As part of the team’s defense, Estrella has reportedly prepared his top 10 excuses for taping the Jets’ sideline. Here is an exclusive look at his list.


10. I figured Joe Namath would be making creepy passes at a sideline reporter again.

9. Seriously, does Tom Brady really need my help against the Jets?

8. I had politely asked the Jets’ coaches to tell us their defensive strategy, and the bastards said no!

7. No one stopped me, since the home fans were too busy cheering Chad Pennington’s injury.

6. Since I was in Jersey, I was trying to shoot a better ending to The Sopranos.

5. I heard that Miss Teen South Carolina was on the Jets’ sideline.

4. Come on, aren’t you glad someone actually shot some video WITHOUT Peyton Manning?

3. My judgment was impaired after that injection from Rodney Harrison.

2. I needed evidence to expose the Jets’ dog-fighting ring.

AND…

1. It was either that, or making a Bill Belichick sex tape.

Lloyd Carr's Supporters

Saturday in Ann Arbor, Michigan endured the humiliation of a 39-7 whipping by Oregon. The loss dropped the Wolverines to 0-2 after beginning the season as the #5 team in the nation. Fans were already calling for coach Lloyd Carr’s job in the wake of last week’s embarrassment versus Appalachian State. Those cries are sure to reach a fever pitch after the latest debacle.

While it seems that Carr has no support whatsoever these days, numerous high-profile individuals remain highly enthusiastic about him. Here are some of those people who are very supportive of Carr’s performance so far this season.


Matt Millen: No longer is he the most vilified football figure in Michigan.

John Beilein: Carr is already taking care of Beilien’s primary goal: turning Michigan into a basketball school.

Frugal Football Fans: For the first time anyone can remember, cheap tickets will be available to a Notre Dame-Michigan football game.

Joey Harrington: With Dennis Dixon’s dominant performance on Saturday, Harrington finally got to see an Oregon quarterback thrive in Michigan.

Mike Babcock: The Detroit Red Wings coach endured a painful elimination by Anaheim in the playoffs. But now someone in the area has had a far more embarrassing loss to the Ducks.

Sean McManus (President, CBS Sports): He doesn’t have to worry that Saturday’s Notre Dame-Michigan game will take viewers away from Florida-Tennessee.

John Swofford (Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner): With all the attention on the Wolverines’ plight, the ACC’s sorry performance has stayed out of the limelight.

Proponents of the Spread Offense: Michigan’s defense is proving how well this type of system can work.

Bob Raymond (Detroit Tigers Vice President, Marketing & Ticket Sales): The local sports fans want to see a team that might actually win at home.

Mark Silverman (President, Big Ten Network): Critics scoffed at the selection of games on the new network. But during Michigan-Appalachian State, it became must-see viewing.

James Duderstadt: A long-time science and engineering professor as well as a former U of M President, Duderstadt has criticized the university for placing far too much importance on winning football games.

Pat Hill: Next week, the Fresno State coach faces an elated Oregon team due for a letdown.

Ohio State & Michigan State Fans: No explanation necessary.

A Comparison of Chases

This Saturday night in Richmond, the Chase For the Nextel Cup field will be set after the Chevy Rock & Roll 400. Meanwhile, up I-95, Philadelphia second baseman Chase Utley will be aiding the Phillies’ playoff push while stating his case to replace teammate Ryan Howard as National League MVP. One Chase will definitely extend into November, and the other hopes to play into October. Here’s a comparison of the Chases.


Chase For the Cup: Starts after race #26
Chase Utley: All-Star starter who wears #26

Chase for the Cup: Cars crash into walls at high speed
Chase Utley: Teammate Aaron Rowand crashes into walls at high speed

Chase for the Cup: Hugely popular among rednecks
Chase Utley: Hugely unpopular among Reds pitchers

Chase For the Cup: Features race fans showering Jeff Gordon with boos
Chase Utley: Hears Philly fans showering Tom Gordon with boos

Chase for the Cup: Lead-in races included the Citizens Bank 400
Chase Utley: Hitting close to .400 at Citizens Bank Park

Chase For the Cup: Unlikely to include “Little E” in the #8
Chase Utley: Last “E” he made was #8

Chase for the Cup: Finishes on a weekend in Homestead, Florida
Chase Utley: Starts a homestand this weekend against Florida

Chase for the Cup: Chevys rule the standings
Chase Utley: Mets rule the standings

Chase For the Cup: With last Sunday’s win, Jimmie Johnson is the NASCAR driver of the week
Chase Utley: Teammate Jimmy Rollins is the NL Player of the Week

Chase for the Cup: Filled with left turns
Chase Utley: Phil who bats left and turns two

Chase for the Cup: Tony Stewart celebrates victories by climbing the fence
Chase Utley: Phillies celebrate victories when he goes over the fence

Chase for the Cup: Competitors for the title include Matt Kenseth
Chase Utley: Competitors for the batting title include Matt Holliday

Chase for the Cup: Teams need a strong pit crew
Chase Utley: Team is stronger than the Pittsburgh crew

Chase for the Cup: Infield drunks rack up the DUI’s
Chase Utley: Infield star racks up the RBI’s

Chase for the Cup: Some races will feature the Car of Tomorrow
Chase Utley: Some say teammate Cole Hamels is the Carlton of Tomorrow

Chase for the Cup: Drivers must make wise use of drafting
Chase Utley: By choosing him 15th overall in 2000, Phillies made wise use of drafting

Chase for the Cup: Driving from the pole is ideal
Chase Utley: Driving one off the foul pole is ideal

Chase for the Cup: In every race, they’re trading paint
Chase Utley: Became every-day starter after trading of Polanco

Chase for the Cup: Cars have restrictor plates at Talladega
Chase Utley: Never restricted at the plate in Philadelphia

Chase for the Cup: Goal is the checkered flag
Chase Utley: Goal is the NL pennant

Fun Facts About Appalachian State

Last December, Michigan football fans howled over being left out of the BCS national championship game. Today, the Wolverines aren’t even worthy of the Division I-AA championship. Saturday at the Big House, Appalachian State stunned the fifth-ranked Goliaths from the Big Ten, departing Ann Arbor with a 34-32 triumph. You may know that the Mountaineers are the two-time defending national champions in their classification. But what else do you know about ASU? Here are some fun facts.


App State is located in the city of Boone, named for the character from Animal House.

ASU began in 1899 as Watauga Academy. If App State were still an academy, it would be on Notre Dame’s schedule.

By capturing the Division I-AA title in 2005, ASU became the first North Carolina school to win an NCAA championship in football. I know - it’s a shocker that Duke never did so.

As numerous commentators have noted, Division I-AA is now known as the Division I Football Championship Subdivision. None of those commentators have kept a straight face while saying it.

Like Jim Tressel with Youngstown State in 1993 and 1994, ASU coach Jerry Moore won consecutive national championships in 2005 and 2006. When you’re taking on Michigan, being like Jim Tressel is a good thing.

ASU has the highest elevation of any U.S. university east of the Mississippi River, inspiring the team slogan “Our football players are higher than Ricky Williams!”

Appalachian currently has a 27-game home winning streak – 27 games longer than Michigan’s current home winning streak.

ASU’s Kidd Brewer Stadium is affectionately known as “The Rock,” due to frequent shoot-outs there involving Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage.

The App State fight song, Hi Hi Yikas, is sung to the tune of the German folk song Bergvagabunden. Because nothing is more synonymous with high-level football than German folk songs.

ASU’s alma mater is called Cherished Vision, not to be confused with Kool and the Gang’s Cherish. But wouldn’t it be awesome if Kool and the Gang sang your school’s alma mater?

My sister-in-law in Florida is an Appalachian State alumna. So to please his mom, I’m sure my four-year-old nephew Matt will trade in his Gator helmet for a Mountaineer one.

According to the ASU media guide, the name of its mascot Yosef comes from “mountain talk for ‘yourself.’” English professors must be thrilled that the symbol of their university champions the value of “mountain talk.”

Former Mountaineer player Ron Prince is the head coach of Kansas State, which lost a late lead at Auburn Saturday night. So the upset bug wasn’t quite contagious among Appalachian State guys.

In the 1987 Rose Bowl, Michigan lost its only-ever matchup with Arizona State. So if you’re ASU, the Wolverines can’t beat you.

Saturday also featured a West Virginia rout over Western Michigan, so the state of Michigan was completely owned by Mountaineers.

App State’s next opponent is Lenoir-Rhyne. I’m sure that game will have over 100,000 fans too.

ASU’s chancellor is Dr. Kenneth Peacock. Like all male Peacocks, he displays his extravagant tail when he strolls the campus.

Each year, App State plays Western Carolina for possession of the Old Mountain Jug. Quirky trophies are often at stake in Big Ten games, so it’s no wonder the Mountaineers felt at home in Ann Arbor.

Mack Brown was ASU’s head coach in 1983. I’m guessing he didn’t have anyone like Vince Young at the time.

An Appalachian Summer Festival is the social event of the year on campus. Well, not this year, after the parties tonight.

AL West Renamed The Guerrero Division

Wednesday in Seattle, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim routed the Mariners 8-2 to complete a three-game sweep of their closest divisional pursuers. Vladimir Guerrero smacked his 22nd home run of the year, as the Angels moved to five games in front of Seattle. At the time, the division was known as the American League West. However, Major League Baseball has announced that the AL West will now be known as the Guerrero Division.


The decision was based on Vlad’s complete dominance against divisional foes this season. In 37 games against Seattle, Oakland, and Texas, Guerrero has 12 home runs, 41 RBI, and a .438 batting average. As commissioner Bud Selig remarked, “The change from the AL West to the Guerrero Division is just a formality. We just wanted to recognize what is already obvious: Vladimir owns that division.”


Guerrero has been a particular nuisance to the second-place Mariners. In 14 games versus the M’s, he has batted .500, with five home runs and 17 RBI. In the Emerald City, Vladimir is responsible for more runs than Shaun Alexander. No one has done more scoring at Safeco Field this year, unless Senator Larry Craig ducked into one of its men’s rooms.


The Dominican superstar hasn’t been any easier on his Northern California adversaries. In 10 matchups with the A’s, Guerrero has gone deep six times, with 13 RBI and a .432 batting average. When Vlad won last month’s Home Run Derby in San Francisco, he must have believed that he was across the bay in Oakland. Besides demoralizing the Athletics, Guerrero has completely ridiculed the Moneyball organization’s philosophy by flourishing with his free-swinging ways. As Oakland General Manager Billy Beane lamented, “We keep telling our guys the value of being patient and not chasing bad pitches. Then we lose because this freak of nature swings at everything from his eyes to his feet and knocks the ball out of the park! He makes me look like a total stooge!”


While Guerrero is hitting a mere .367 against Texas this year, historically he’s been a nemesis like no other to the Rangers. Vlad had a 44-game hitting streak against Texas until last August, when the Rangers ended the streak by walking him four times. The locals say that everything’s bigger in Texas. In the context of the Guerrero Division, that saying is true for the Rangers’ ERA, as well as their deficit behind the Angels. The Texas pitching staff has less chance of success versus Vlad than Paris Hilton does with the MCAT exam. The clubs square off in Anaheim this weekend, but the Rangers do have a plan for Guerrero when his team visits Arlington on September 24. Rangers Ballpark security has been ordered not to allow him onto the premises.


It is unusual for a professional sports division to be named after a person. However, long before the Guerrero Division, there was precedent in the National Hockey League. The NHL was once comprised of the Adams, Patrick, Norris, and Smythe Divisions. The comparisons between the former Montreal Expos superstar and the NHL do not stop there. Like the Stanley Cup, Guerrero used to be entrenched in Canada, but now he calls Anaheim home.


Guerrero is called by many nicknames, including Vlad the Impaler and Big Daddy Vladdy. However, for the unlucky trio of pursuers in the Guerrero Division, only one name fits for the fearsome slugger: The Angel of Death.

Dodgers To Play For Little League World Series Championship

Sunday in Williamsport, Dalton Carriker smashed a walk-off home run in the 8th inning to lift Warner Robins, GA to a dramatic 3-2 victory over Tokyo in the Little League World Series. Carriker’s teammates jubilantly celebrated, believing that they had captured the LLWS title. However, one more obstacle remains for the kids from the Peach State. The championship will actually be at stake on Monday, when Warner Robins takes on the Los Angeles Dodgers.


Monday’s showdown resulted from an obscure loophole in the LLWS bylaws. According to this provision, competition for the Little League title shall be open to any ballclub managed by someone named Little. Therefore, the Grady Little-led Dodgers were entitled to a matchup with Sunday’s winner. The 2002 champions from Louisville benefited from the same rule, as manager Stuart Little became the first animated mouse to capture the title.


The controversial decision sparked an immediate public outcry. As one critic pointed out, “Sure, L.A.’s had a youth movement this year, but not a movement to youth baseball!” Serious questions of fair play have arisen, as rather than 11 and 12-year-old players, the Dodger roster ranges from 22-year-old Matt Kemp to 44-year-old new addition David Wells. Warner Robins parents are particularly concerned about Wells, fearing that he’ll take their kids out drinking before the game.


Little League officials responded that Warner Robins will provide the Dodgers with more of a challenge than their previously scheduled Monday opponents, the Washington Nationals. Also, the Dodger franchise has a strong historical connection with Little League. The LLWS began in 1947, the same year Jackie Robinson ushered in a new era for the Brooklyn Dodgers. Furthermore, Los Angeles has taken to heart the Little League Pledge: “I trust in God. I love my country and will respect its laws. I will play fair and strive to win. But win or lose I will always do my best.” The Dodgers’ version has the slight modifications of “I trust in Lasorda” and “but win or lose I will always hate the Giants.”


Additionally, Warner Robins has reasons for optimism as it enters Monday’s title matchup. Since their 1988 World Series championship, the Dodgers are a woeful 1-12 in playoff games. In their previous postseason showdown with a Georgia ballclub, the Atlanta Braves swept the Dodgers out of the 1996 Division Series. Warner Robins will certainly feel like it has the advantage if L.A. turns to closer Takashi Saito. Carriker proved on Sunday that he can tee off on Japanese relievers.


Despite these issues, the Dodgers do have some items in their favor. They should feel comfortable in Williamsport, having gone 5-2 in Pennsylvania this year. Most significantly for Little, games in the LLWS are shorter than in the ALCS. Therefore, if his starter is leading after six innings, the game is over. Little can’t have a brain-cramp and leave his starter in until the eighth while the opponents tie the game.


Also, the Dodgers’ chances in the Little League World Series will be enhanced by two players who have already been World Series heroes. Taking his regularly scheduled start will be Derek Lowe, the winner in Boston’s Fall Classic clincher in 2004. If late inning heroics are needed, the Dodgers can turn to Luis Gonzalez in hopes of a repeat of his 2001 walk-off single against Mariano Rivera. If it gets desperate, L.A. could even try to reproduce a Kirk Gibson scenario, with a crippled slugger limping to the plate. That situation could arise if Jeff Kent tries to “wash his truck” before his final at-bat.


So the stage is set for Monday, as the Warner Robins kids take their shot against the big leaguers. The Dodgers will try to be the first LLWS champions from California since Long Beach won in 1992 and 1993. They already feel like the spirit of the 1988 postseason is on their side. Broadcasting for ABC, Orel Hershiser will be in the house.

Vick Abbreviations: Old & New

The week's dominant sports story is that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will enter a guilty plea next Monday in a federal dogfighting case. At that time, Vick will make official his stunning fall from celebrated athlete to convicted felon. To see just how much his fortunes have plummeted, here's a look at numerous Vick-related abbreviations. First are the old, traditional meanings, followed by their new context.


NFL:
Old: National Football League
New: Now Freedom's Lost

NFC:
Old: National Football Conference
New: No Fighting Canines

ATL:
Old: Atlanta
New: Against The Law

VPI:
Old: Virginia Polytechnic Institute
New: Vick's Pending Incarceration

PETA:
Old: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
New: Plea Entered, Tells Attorney

ASPCA:
Old: American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals
New: Atlanta Sundays: Petrino's Crushing Agony

ESPN:
Old: Entertainment & Sports Programming Network
New: Endorsements? "Sayonara," Proclaims Nike

W-L:
Old: Won-Loss
New: Walled Lifestyle

QB:
Old: Quarterback
New: Queasy Blank

ATT:
Old: Attempts
New: Acquaintances: Totally Trouble

COMP:
Old: Completions
New: Cellmate's Opinion: Michael's Pretty

PCT:
Old: Percentage
New: Puppies Count, Too

TD:
Old: Touchdown
New: Torture-free Dogs

INT:
Old: Interception
New: Inmate, Not Teammate

YPA:
Old: Yards Per Attempt
New: Your Pet's Avenged

Arenas Loans "Agent Zero" To Webb

He’s the reigning National League Cy Young Award winner. He’s thrown 42 consecutive scoreless innings for the team with the best record in the National League. However, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Brandon Webb still lags well behind injured teammate Randy Johnson in terms of national recognition. Skilled in the art of promotion, Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has decided to lend a hand to Arizona’s ace. Arenas has loaned his “Agent Zero” moniker to Webb for the next two months.


The label is highly appropriate for the right-hander, since opposing lineups have put up nothing but zeroes against him since July 20. Friday night at Turner Field, Webb tossed a complete game two-hitter in a 4-0 victory over the Atlanta Braves. It was his third consecutive complete game shutout and left him 17 scoreless innings short of the all-time record, set by Orel Hershiser in 1988. Webb’s dominance has delighted teammates, with the exception of daredevil outfielder Eric Byrnes. Webb’s devastating sinker results in so many ground ball outs, it provides Byrnes with no opportunities to smash full-speed into walls.


In explaining his decision, Arenas reasoned that since he’s in the off-season, he can’t take full advantage of “Agent Zero” for the time being. Loaning it out to Webb brings the man known as “Hibachi,” “The Black President,” and “The East Coast Assassin” down to a dangerously low 78 nicknames. However, Arenas plans to reclaim “Agent Zero” as he opens the NBA season at Indiana on October 31, so Webb will be on his own if he pitches Game 6 of the World Series that night. Arenas was further motivated to loan out his nickname based on his enjoyment from writing a highly popular blog on nba.com. After hearing that blog is short for “web log,” he decided he should “give something back and help out a dude named Webb.”


Arenas does feel a connection with Webb in many ways. Brandon currently plays for Arizona, as Gilbert did in college. Webb has 60 career wins, equaling Arenas’s career-high in points. Also, both of them were Wildcats in college. Webb played at Kentucky, so expect Fox and TBS to capitalize on that background if he pitches in the postseason. Each of his starts will feature approximately 50 crowd shots of Ashley Judd.


Arenas has attached some conditions on the use of “Agent Zero” by Webb. After each start, the pitcher must hurl his jersey into the stands. Also, Webb must mimic Gilbert’s free throw ritual before every pitch. Therefore, the right-hander will spin the baseball around his waist and dribble it three times on the mound before tossing it to home plate. Webb has dismissed concerns that this activity would result in a balk, pointing out that he never has base-runners these days. Webb will not have to shout “Hibachi!” after each out, since the home fans in Phoenix don’t need any more reminders of things that are really hot.


Some Diamondback fans have expressed concern that the “Agent Zero” nickname could leave Webb susceptible to a season-ending knee injury, as Arenas suffered before last spring’s playoffs. However, the ace downplayed those fears, noting that he’s been a workhorse who exceeded 200 innings in each of the previous three seasons. Webb added that unlike Arenas, he’s highly unlikely to have Gerald Wallace fall into his leg while he’s on the mound.


Expecting to be fully healthy when the NBA season begins, Arenas is more eager than ever to pile up the points. In the meantime, the new Agent Zero will be keeping scores low.

MLB Before and After

We’re about to hit the stretch run in baseball, so the time is right for an edition of “MLB Before and After!” Every once in a while, I do a “Sports Before and After” column as a way of paying homage to my Jeopardy! experience. As with the “Before and After” category on the show, the answer to each clue combines two different subjects, with the end of the first part being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the Florida Marlins pitcher who recently joined the Baltimore Ravens backfield, you would answer “Dontrelle Willis McGahee.”

Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck! Every entry relates to someone or something that’s currently involved with major league baseball. Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question. As a matter of tradition, the first clue always relates to UNC.


1. Detroit Tigers lefthander who’s a cold-filtered beer

2. 2005 Preakness and Belmont Stakes winner who just hit his 500th home run

3. 1978 Best Picture Oscar winner about a Houston Astros rookie outfielder

4. Stick shift named for the Philadelphia Phillies manager

5. Republican presidential candidate who’s a necessary piece of equipment for Ivan Rodriguez

6. Speedy Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder who’s a state capital

7. Fall Classic starring Mike Myers and Dana Carvey

8. Colorado Rockies slugger who’s a hotel where guests “Stay Smart”

9. Barney Fife catchphrase centered on the MLB commissioner

10. 19th century American art movement inspired by an Atlanta Braves starter

11. Fenway Park fence that got into a 1988 street fight with Mike Tyson

12. New York Mets third baseman who sang “I’m Too Sexy”

13. Samuel Jackson and Christina Ricci movie about the San Diego Padres manager

14. Applebee’s slogan about a Philadelphia Phillies starter

15. Steve Miller Band hit about an automatic pop-up out

16. Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder who sang “Saturday Night”

17. Cincinnati venue named for an ancient Greek king

18. Los Angeles Dodgers starter who starred on Laverne and Shirley

19. Kansas City Royals manager who hit the charts in 1990 with “Poison”

20. 2002 James Bond movie about the 2005 World Series MVP

21. Saskatchewan city named for a Seattle mascot

22. 1979-81 NBC series set in 2491, about a Fox broadcaster

23. Pictionary-like game show inspired by a San Francisco Giants outfielder

24. Long luxury car in which “Take Me Out To the Ballgame” is sung

25. Cincinnati Reds starter who starred in Death Wish


ANSWERS:

1. Andrew Miller Genuine Draft

2. Afleet Alex Rodriguez

3. The Deer Hunter Pence

4. Charlie Manuel Transmission

5. Catcher’s Mitt Romney

6. Juan Pierre, South Dakota

7. Wayne’s World Series

8. Matt Holliday Inn Express

9. Nip it in the Bud Selig!

10. Tim Hudson River School

11. Mitch “Blood” Green Monster

12. David Wright Said Fred

13. Bud Black Snake Moan

14. Adam Eaton Good in the Neighborhood

15. Infield Fly Like an Eagle

16. Jason Bay City Rollers

17. Alexander the Great American Ballpark

18. Brad Penny Marshall

19. Buddy Bell Biv Devoe

20. Jermaine Dye Another Day

21. Mariner Moose Jaw

22. Joe Buck Rogers in the 25th Century

23. Randy Winn, Lose Or Draw

24. 7th-inning Stretch Limousine

25. Charles Bronson Arroyo

13 Majors

Sunday at a scorching Southern Hills Country Club, Tiger Woods outpaced Woody Austin by two strokes to capture his fourth PGA Championship. Woods now has 13 major titles overall. Outside the golf world, “Major” can mean many things. In honor of Tiger, here’s a look at 13 such Majors.


John Major: Former British Prime Minister. On three occasions, Tiger has also ruled the British.

Major League: Tiger’s shots were much more accurate than Rick Vaughn’s pitches. Still, it would have been cool to hear “Wild Thing” blasting as Woods walked down the 18th fairway.

Mid-Major: Classification for the Tulsa Golden Hurricane, located in the tournament’s host city.

Lee Majors: Best known as The Six Million Dollar Man. Tiger makes that on a good weekend.

5-Minute Major: Punishment for fighting in ice hockey. So let’s recap. NHL: Pummeling someone with punches takes you out for five minutes. PGA: Signing an incorrect scorecard takes you out completely. Maybe Sergio should put on some skates.

Major Harris: Redshirt sophomore quarterback who led West Virginia to an undefeated regular season in 1988. Woods also knows how to win after putting on a red shirt.

Major Margaret Houlihan: M*A*S*H* character known as “Hot Lips.” With triple-degree temperatures each day, everything was hot at Southern Hills.

Economics: Tiger’s major at Stanford. Ironically, he learned far more about the subject by leaving college early.

Major Dad: Sunday provided a reminder of the Gerald McRaney sitcom, as Woods won his first major as a dad.

Ursa Major: Big Dipper constellation whose name means “Great Bear.” Tiger is gaining on the great Golden Bear.

Major Steve Trevor: Companion of Wonder Woman. Tiger is buddies with golf’s wonder woman, Annika Sörenstam.

“Major Tom”: Hit 1983 song by Peter Schilling. With 13 majors, Woods has equaled the combined total of Tom Watson, Tom Lehman, Tom Kite, Tom Weiskopf, Tommy Aaron, and David Toms.

Major Payne: Damon Wayans trained the “green boys,” including a cadet named Tiger. The other Tiger trains to win green jackets.

Bonds & Other Barrys

As everyone knows by now, Barry Bonds slammed his 756th major league home run Tuesday night, breaking the all-time record. Bonds has passed Hank, but how does he compare to other Barrys? Let’s take a look.


Barry Bonds: Smoked the record-breaker off a Washington player
Marion Barry: Smoked crack as the Washington mayor

Barry Alvarez: Was the leader of the Wisconsin Badgers
Barry Bonds: Thanks to him, the MLB leader from Wisconsin was badgered

Barry Bonds: Has a high on-base percentage for the Giants
Barry Zito: Has a high earned run average for the Giants

Rick Barry: Was a prickly Bay Area superstar
Barry Bonds: Is a prickly Bay Area superstar

Barry Bonds: Somehow, he doesn’t have a World Series championship ring
Barry Switzer: Somehow, he has a Super Bowl championship ring

Barry Melrose: Noted for his mullet hair
Barry Bonds: Noted for his mammoth head

Barry Levinson: Collaborated with Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man and Wag the Dog
Barry Bonds: Collaborated with Dusty Baker in Candlestick and Pac Bell Parks

Barry Bonds: Born in 1964
Barry Goldwater: Burned in 1964 election

Dave Barry: Displays his sense of humor as a newspaper columnist
Barry Bonds: Rarely displays his sense of humor to newspaper columnists

Barry Sanders: Retired before breaking the all-time record
Barry Bonds: To many fans’ chagrin, DIDN’T retire before breaking the all-time record

Barry Bonds: Draws lots of passes to get to first base
Barry White: Helped lots of guys get past first base

Barry Bonds: Endured a stressful home run chase
Barry Pepper: Endured a stressful home run chase, as Roger Maris in 61* (MLB must really hate him, given all the “No Pepper Allowed” signs at the ballpark)

Barry Foster: Rushed for 1,690 yards for Pittsburgh in 1992
Barry Bonds: Rushed out of Pittsburgh in 1992

Barry Manilow: Sang “Can’t Smile Without You”
Barry Bonds: Jeff Kent smiles without him

Barry Williams: Portrayed Greg Brady
Barry Bonds: Regarding two Andersons, critics say he got steroids from Greg and hit tainted home runs like Brady

Barry Larkin: One-time MVP who played shortstop
Barry Bonds: Seven-time MVP with a short fuse

Barry Bonds: Sports legend who testified before a grand jury
Barry Scheck: As part of O.J.’s defense team, made sure a sports legend didn’t testify before a jury

Barry Sonnenfeld: Directed Big Trouble and Wild Wild West
Barry Bonds: Team is in big trouble in the NL West

Barry Bostwick: Rocky Horror Picture Show star has inspired fans to throw toast
Barry Bonds: MLB star has inspired fans to throw syringes

Barry Gibb: Fueled disco fever with the Bee Gees’ smash hits
Barry Bonds: Fuels Giants fans’ fever with splash hits

A Woody Allen Guide To College Football's Top 16

On Friday, the pre-season USA Today college football coaches’ poll was released. Stocked with stud athletes, you might not expect these teams to have anything in common with Woody Allen. However, the nebbish director’s films have relevance for each of the top 16. Granted, Sleeper isn’t an appropriate match for the teams at the top. Here’s the Scoop on the movies that do have a connection to the big men on campus.


16. Rutgers: New York Stories. With Allen involved, we have to include a team in the shadow of the Big Apple.

15. Tennessee: September. After road trips to Berkeley on September 1 and Gainesville September 15, we’ll know early if the Vols are award-worthy.

14. Auburn: Bananas. That’s what the entire state of Alabama will be on November 24, when Nick Saban brings the Tide to Jordan-Hare Stadium.

13. Georgia: Mighty Aphrodite. A Greek goddess is appropriate for a team that plays in Athens. To beat Florida for a change, the Bulldogs actually need help from the gods.

12. California: Shadows and Fog. That’s all opponents will see when trying to contain DeSean Jackson on kick returns.

11. Louisville: Deconstructing Harry. Harry Douglas will be in a leading role as he hauls in touchdowns from Brian Brohm.

10. Ohio State: Take The Money And Run. Lots of last year’s Buckeyes are now collecting NFL salaries. On a separate note, it’s safe to say that Allen isn’t the most popular Woody in Columbus.

9. Virginia Tech: Everyone Says I Love You. The Hokies will be everyone’s sentimental choice this fall.

8. Oklahoma: Crimes and Misdemeanors. Due to NCAA violations, the Sooners were stripped of eight wins from 2005. Unfortunately for them, the infractions committee was composed entirely of Pac-10 replay officials.

7. Wisconsin: Annie Hall. The character of Annie Hall was a Wisconsin native. The scenes in which Diane Keaton wore a cheesehead didn’t make the final cut.

6. West Virginia: Bullets Over Broadway. Pat White and Steve Slaton will give the Mountaineer mascot plenty of occasions to fire his gun. Meanwhile, former WVU players will be shooting up strip clubs.

5. Michigan: Anything Else. Before a game against Ohio State or a bowl opponent, that’s Lloyd Carr’s response when asked, “What would you rather be doing?”

4. Texas: Manhattan. Last year in Manhattan, Colt McCoy was knocked out of a loss to Kansas State. This December, McCoy hopes to be in another Manhattan.

3. Florida: Play It Again, Sam. Fans in Gainesville want another trophy. Yeah, another one.

2. LSU: Hollywood Ending. That’s what the Tigers would have if they win a national title in New Orleans.

1. USC: Celebrity. Speaking of Hollywood, the Trojans keep turning out high-wattage stars in Tinseltown. Pete Carroll’s not a bad director, either.

What's Next After "Who's Now?"

If you’ve tuned into SportsCenter any time over the past month, you’ve been inundated with the question of “Who’s Now?” Tiger Woods and LeBron James are the finalists, with the “Now” person being revealed on Sunday. Presumably, the runner-up will have “Vice-Now” status and will assume the top position if the winner is no longer able to be “Now.”

ESPN has clearly enjoyed the “Who’s Now?” run, so expect to see some similar themes on future installments of SportsCenter. Here are some other possibilities, along with the potential winners.


Who’s Frau? Steffi Graf

Who’s Ow? Shaun Livingston

Who’s Meow? (The top Cat) Billy Gillispie

Who’s Yao? Yao Ming (Duh!)

Who’s Wow? Vince Young

Who’s Howe? (High-scoring Detroit Red Wing) Pavel Datsyuk

Who’s Dow? (An up-and-down Jones) Andruw Jones

Who’s Noun? (Person, place, or thing) Chuck Person

Who’s Mao? Yi Jianlian (Yao was already used)

Who’s Pow? Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

Who’s Crying Now? 1981 hit from Journey

Who’s Chow? Joey Chestnut

Who’s Sow? Darren McFadden (I know, a sow is a FEMALE Hog, but how many girls are up for the Heisman?)

Who’s Plow? Eric Snow

Who’s Cow? (Sacramento coach, in Phil Jackson’s words) Reggie Theus

Who’s Show? (As in Eric Show, who surrendered Pete Rose’s record-breaking hit) Victim of Barry’s 756th

Who’s Vow? (Just married) Tony Parker

Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.


Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

The Pro Commissioners' Week in Limericks

As a fan it's the ultimate wish
To be a pro sport's big fish
But when scandal and shame
Overshadow the game
It's a tough week to be a commish

One who knows this is Roger Goodell
Dogged by cruelty in the NFL
He's dying to see
The Falcons' QB
Get mauled by a pit bull in hell

Of David Stern's fears in b-ball
A game-fixing ref's worst of all
While the mob turned vicious
The feds got suspicious
When Tim made a travelling call

Bud Selig is also quite sick
At the park that replaced Candlestick
In the shadow of 'roids
He cannot avoid
Watching Barry hit 756

But amid all the media fuss
Gary Bettman's no gloomy Gus
"This week's not so rocky"
Crowed the leader of hockey
"'Cause nobody cares about us!"

British Open & Other Sports Connections

Sunday at Carnoustie, Padraig Harrington outlasted Sergio Garcia and won the British Open after a four-hole playoff. As a European collecting his first major, Harrington represented what Garcia was painfully close to being. Sergio now remains saddled with the “can’t win the big one” label, along with Alex Rodriguez and numerous other athletes. Here are some other ways in which the British Open corresponded to the rest of the sports world.


British Open: Harrington and Garcia battled for the top spot.
Detroit Lions: In 2005, Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia battled for the top spot.

British Open: Golfers hit balls into the 18th hole water, known as Barry Burn.
San Francisco Giants: Barry hits balls into the water, as Bud Selig burns.

British Open: Unfortunately for Sergio, he couldn’t win the title before a playoff.
Dallas Mavericks: Unfortunately for Dirk, you can’t win a title before the playoffs.

British Open: Harrington’s final putt was a “Claret Jug shot.”
Ohio State Buckeyes: Embarrassment resulted from Clarett mug shots.

British Open: Sergio and Padraig outplayed their American competitors.
Ryder Cup: Sergio and Padraig outplay their American competitors.

British Open: ‘99 flashbacks showed a Frenchman losing because he didn’t use his head.
World Cup: A Frenchman lost because he DID use his head.

British Open: Its high-profile Lefty didn’t play on Sunday.
Atlanta Falcons: Their high-profile lefty won’t play on Sundays.

British Open: Sergio missed a title-winning par putt on 18.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Their third baseman sounds like “No More Garcia Pars.”

British Open: A champion was crowned by the North Sea.
Anaheim Ducks: A champion was crowned in the OC.

British Open: It brought a victory to the Irish that was long overdue.
Navy Midshipmen: A victory over the Irish is long overdue.

British Open: Richard Green had the best round of the tournament.
Florida Gators: Taurean Green had the best team in the tournament.

British Open: Andres Romero looked great after 16 holes before self-destructing.
San Diego Chargers: They looked great after 16 games before self-destructing.

British Open: Competitors struggled with their drivers in Scotland.
Indy 500: Competitors struggled against a driver from Scotland.

British Open: Harrington was king after 76 holes.
Philly Hoops: Billy King can’t fix the 76ers’ holes.

British Open: Two-time defending champ Tiger was a non-factor.
American League: Longtime non-factor Tigers are the defending champs.

Vick Launches Pro-Dog Campaign

On Tuesday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of sponsoring a vicious dogfighting operation. Three other defendants were named in the indictment, which alleges that dogs were trained and fought to the death at a property owned by Vick in Surry County, Virginia. Vick may be elusive inside the Georgia Dome, but shaking free of prosecutors and a dog-loving public is another matter. With those concerns in mind, the Falcons star has taken immediate action to enhance his image by launching an aggressive pro-dog public relations campaign.


The first step in his pro-dog efforts will surely be popular in Atlanta, as he expressed his love for the Georgia Bulldogs. Vick stated that he has no ill will toward UGA for beating his Virginia Tech Hokies in last year’s Chik-Fil-A Bowl. He added that he is excited to be a mentor to third-string Atlanta quarterback D.J. Shockley, a former Bulldog. Vick also expressed his relief that SEC member Mississippi State is not on Georgia’s schedule this fall, since he can’t stand to see fellow Bulldogs hurting each other. Vick even suggested a humane alteration to Sanford Stadium’s signature cheer of “Go Dawgs! Sic ‘Em! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” Upon kickoff in Athens, he urges UGA fans to yell, “Go Dawgs! Treat your adversary with love and respect! Because I believe all Dawgs should be kind to their fellow creatures!”


The quarterback also enlisted his pro-dog policy to try to upgrade his receiving corps. Many have noted that Vick has been figuratively stuck with a bunch of dogs at wide receiver. In an attempt to turn around the situation, Vick lobbied for owner Arthur Blank to literally sign some canines to play wideout. At the top of his wish list were Snoopy, the most athletic member of Peanuts, as well as Buddy, the multi-sport star of the Air Bud movies. Vick conspicuously did not mention University of Tennessee mascot Smokey. Reportedly, the Peerless Price experience soured him on Volunteer receivers.


Vick emphasized that greater interaction with dogs would help his team toward its ultimate goal of winning a Super Bowl championship. For inspiration, he referenced an Atlanta team that did reach the pinnacle. The 1995 Atlanta Braves won the World Series thanks to Cy Young Award winner Greg “Mad Dog” Maddux, as well as Fred “Crime Dog” McGriff. That entire 1995 season showed what dogs could accomplish on the field. Orel “Bulldog” Hershiser pitched for the American League champion Cleveland Indians, and Mo “Hit Dog” Vaughn was the AL MVP. Vick acknowledged that Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson could not win a championship in Atlanta, but as he remarked, “Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha couldn’t lead the Hawks to a title!”


The Falcon standout even plans to join dogs in sports other than football. Drawing inspiration from Chad Johnson’s win against a horse, Vick will put his speed on the line in a friendly race against a champion greyhound. Later, he’ll join forces with a team of huskies to compete in the Iditarod. Vick was not concerned about his lack of experience in the event. Indeed, he has proven that he can win as an underdog (pun intended) in a cold weather environment, having won a playoff game at Lambeau Field.


Vick also used his platform to encourage ESPN to pay more attention to dogs in sports. He was enthusiastic about the Worldwide Leader’s coverage of the Westminster Dog Show. In the next edition, Vick plans to enter his infectious Chihuahua named Ron, whom he purchased in Mexico. Although Ron does not have the statistics of a prototypical Westminster competitor, Vick feels that the dog’s freakish athleticism supersedes traditional stats and will cause serious matchup problems for his competitors. Vick did take ESPN to task for excluding canines from the World Series of Poker. As he remarked, “Come on, we all know dogs can play poker. Those paintings don’t lie!”


The charges against Vick are quite serious, and it remains to be seen what effect his pro-dog campaign will have. However, it cannot be argued that athletes and dogs are better off when they work together. That approach worked wonders for Scooby-Doo and the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Phillies & 10,000

Sunday night in Philadelphia, the Phillies gave up six home runs in a 10-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals. While the Phightins remained above .500 for the season, they reached a dubious milestone as the first sports team with 10,000 defeats. Over time, the number 10,000 has been significant in numerous other ways. Here are a few of those, along with their relevance to the Phils.


In 1964, Billy Mills became the only American to win the Olympic gold medal in the 10,000 meter run. If he had been wearing a Phillies cap, he would have lost a 6 ½ meter lead with 12 to go.

10,000 Maniacs hit the charts in 1988 with “What’s the Matter Here?” and in 1989 with “Trouble Me.” Appropriately, the Phils finished those years in last place.

10,000 square meters represent one hectare. In their history, the Phillies have been represented by one Hector (Mercado).

“Land of 10,000 Lakes” is a nickname for Minnesota. Unfortunately for Phillies fans, Minnesota was the only team with a playoff series win over Joe Carter.

The Army of the Ten Thousand was a group of Ancient Greek mercenaries put together by Persian general Cyrus the Younger. As a Phillie, Steve Carlton collected four awards named for Cy the Young.

Salmon P. Chase is on the $10,000 bill. That’s fine with the Phillies – they love guys named Chase.

There are approximately 10,000 species of birds. In Citizens Bank Park, there are approximately 44,000 species of boo birds.

There is no zip code 10000, but 10001 is in Manhattan. So in more ways than one, the next loss will have the Phils thinking about New York.

The most recent ice age ended about 10,000 years ago. The Phillies’ ice age ended 27 years ago, when Tug McGraw struck out Willie Wilson.

Alaska’s Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, after a 1912 volcanic eruption, was filled with burning ash. All-time, the most beloved Phil was Ashburn.

10,000 equals 100 times 100. 2 Phillie seasons resulted in “100 times winning.” 14 years saw “100 times losing.”

Dick Clark hosted The $10,000 Pyramid. He lived in Philadelphia for many years, and like Phillies fans, he’s seen lots of balls dropped.

The Egyptian goddess Isis was called “Isis of Ten Thousand Names.” Phillies fans have a lot more names than that for J.D. Drew.

10,000 is the square root of 100 million, which is about what Mike Schmidt would be making per year these days.

The phrase “live for ten thousand years” was used to bless emperors in East Asia. Hopefully, the Curse of Billy Penn won’t last that long.

A Look Back To 1996

Tuesday night at AT&T Park, the American League edged the National League 5-4 in the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. The AL now has 10 wins and an infamous tie in the last 11 editions of the Midsummer Classic. The last NL victory was a 6-0 affair in 1996, a game celebrated by the slogan "Just 7 more years 'til it counts!" The venue from that matchup (Philadelphia's Veterans Stadium) was imploded years ago, and many other things have changed in the ensuing 11 years. Here's a look back at July 1996.


The Cubs were a mere 88 years since their last World Series title.

Notre Dame had a 13-game unbeaten streak versus USC.

Tiger Woods was two months from turning professional.

The Cleveland Browns did not exist - and I don't just mean their offense.

Bill Clinton was not having sexual relations with that woman.

New Lakers Shaq and Kobe couldn't wait to play together.

Mike Tyson was just really nuts, instead of really, really, really nuts.

Ken Caminiti was in the midst of an MVP season.

Dean Smith and Mack Brown were coaching at UNC.

Fortune Magazine's recent choice for "America's Most Innovative Company" was Enron.

John Elway couldn't win the big one.

"Junior" meant Griffey, not Dale.

National championships were won by schools other than Florida.

We were still sheltered from the greatest threat to American security: the Y2K Bug.

No one liked Billy Packer or Tim McCarver, but they kept announcing anyway. Some things don't change.

Bill Belichick just wasn't head coach material.

The current governor of California had just shot Jingle All the Way.

Lance Armstrong was a cyclist who hadn't yet been diagnosed with cancer. In other words, who the hell was Lance Armstrong?

Rick Pitino was a god in Lexington.

11-year-old LeBron James dreamed that 11 years later, he would be "Now."