Ever since the Pittsburgh Steelers hoisted the Lombardi Trophy in February, football fans have waited for this weekend. NFL teams kicked off the regular season, and the second weekend of college football featured a 1 vs. 2 matchup between Ohio State and Texas. However, teams from one region did not appear to be prepared for the action. This weekend was one that football fans in the Carolinas would like to forget.
North Carolina dropped to 0-2 on Saturday with a 35-10 pasting by Virginia Tech in Chapel Hill. The Hokies did not have much of a passing game, but UNC quarterbacks Joe Dailey and Cam Sexton compensated by consistently completing passes to Virginia Tech defenders. The Hokies returned one interception for a touchdown. Another was brought back to the UNC 1, as was a blocked punt. Afterwards, Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer admitted that his offense really wasn’t necessary to win the game, but he took them along from Blacksburg just in case.
While the Tar Heels were clear underdogs, their neighbors in Raleigh were not expected to fall to Akron. However, North Carolina State was on the short end of a 20-17 score, thanks to Dennis Kennedy’s one-yard touchdown run on the game’s final play. Akron players are known as the Zips, reminding embattled Wolfpack coach Chuck Amato that he soon may have to change zip codes. Despite Chuck the Chest’s numerous wins over Florida State, many fans are demanding that he be replaced. Considering the recent search for a new NCSU basketball coach, it may be necessary to make that call now. If the school begins looking for a new football coach immediately, it may have one in place by next September.
The only Division 1-A football team in the Carolinas to win this weekend was Wake Forest. The Demon Deacons edged in-state rival Duke 14-13 in a game that caused observers to remark, “It’s a shame someone had to win this one.” The Blue Devils led for most of the game but could not overcome numerous blunders, including a blocked 28-yard field goal attempt to end the game. Head coach Ted Roof attributed the loss to “being on a football field wearing Duke uniforms.” Wake did go to 2-0 on the season, but it was largely outplayed by the lowly Blue Devils and needed a touchdown with 1:28 remaining to claim the come-from-behind win. Therefore, while the Deacons did not actually lose, the game represented a moral defeat.
A blocked kick also figured prominently for an ACC member to the south. With high expectations, 18th-ranked Clemson journeyed to New England for a conference showdown with Boston College. The Tigers lost 34-33 due to a blocked extra point in the second overtime. It was the second consecutive year in which Clemson fell in overtime to their newest conference rival. In response, coach Tommy Bowden has contacted ACC commissioner John Swofford, requesting that overtime not be used for future Clemson-BC matchups. Instead, Bowden proposed that in the event of a tie after regulation, the winner should be the team that is more orange.
At least the Tigers kept the scoreboard operator busy, unlike their hated rivals in the Palmetto State. South Carolina scored the same number of points on Saturday as the other USC. Unfortunately for the Gamecocks, Southern Cal had a bye week. Georgia scored a decisive 18-0 SEC victory in Columbia. Bulldog fans were particularly delighted to shut out Gamecock coach Steve Spurrier, whose Florida teams were harder on Georgia than General Sherman. Remembering last week’s victory over Mississippi State, one South Carolina player remarked after Saturday’s defeat, “Those other Bulldogs were a lot nicer!”
Rounding out the Carolinas’ Division 1-A programs, East Carolina fell 17-12 to UAB in a Conference USA matchup. The Pirates are handicapped by the constant identity crisis they face. The most notable Greenville is in South Carolina, but ECU is in Greenville, North Carolina. Also, extensive research has revealed that East Carolina is not actually a state. Furthermore, this summer showed that Pirates are very hot at the multi-plex, but not in the sports world. And unlike East Carolina, at least the Pittsburgh Pirates can brighten up losses with highlight footage of Roberto Clemente.
A better result was expected on Sunday from the Carolina Panthers, the consensus pre-season choice to represent the NFC at the Super Bowl. However, the Atlanta Falcons earned a convincing 20-6 win at Bank of America Stadium. The Panthers’ offense badly missed all-pro wide receiver Steve Smith, sidelined by a hamstring injury. Perhaps Carolina’s highly-touted defense could have used him even more, as Atlanta rushed for 252 yards. Falcons running back Warrick Dunn covered so much mileage, he took Kasey Kahne’s place in the Chase for the Nextel Cup. During the fourth quarter, coach John Fox resembled Redd Foxx, clutching his chest and screaming, “This is the big one, Elizabeth! I’m comin’ to join ya, honey!”
Perhaps next week will be better for football fans in the Carolinas. This weekend could not end soon enough. All over North and South Carolina, dejected fans quoted the ubiquitous Monday Night Football ads: “Is it Monday yet?”
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Ready For Some Football? Not in the Carolinas This Weekend
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
8:17 PM
Labels: college football, NFL
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Ryan & Other Howards
The Philadelphia Phillies are in the thick of the National League wild card chase thanks largely to the phenomenal efforts of first baseman Ryan Howard. The left-handed slugger leads the majors with 53 home runs and 134 RBI. As last year’s National League Rookie of the Year, Ryan joined Frank Howard of the 1960 Los Angeles Dodgers as the second Howard to receive that honor. He almost certainly will capture the National League home run and RBI titles, as Howard Johnson did for the New York Mets in 1991. Also, like Elston Howard with the 1963 New York Yankees, Ryan hopes to receive a Most Valuable Player award.
Ryan certainly chose the right sport, although he might feel at home in the NBA alongside Dwight, Josh, and Juwan Howard. Inside and outside the sports world, Ryan’s links to other well-known Howards are extensive. Below are just a few examples.
Ron Howard: Ryan passed Ralph Kiner for the most home runs by a second-year player. Ron, as Richie Cunningham, always outshone Ralph Malph.
Bryce Dallas Howard: A favorite of M. Night Shyamalan, Bryce is a redhead who frequently works in the Philly area. Just like the previous Phillie to win MVP, Mike Schmidt.
Howard Stern: The shock-jock has offended millions, but lately no one has been more offensive than Ryan.
Howard Dean: As chairman of the Democratic National Committee, Dean can provide Ryan with great advice on landing the wild card. No one knows more about finishing second.
Moe, Curly & Shemp Howard: Each was part of The Three Stooges. Ryan has caused far more than three pitchers to feel like stooges.
Howard Jones: The British pop singer had a top 10 hit with Things Can Only Get Better. Ryan proved the same after his Rookie of the Year campaign.
Howard Cosell: Rose to prominence while covering Muhammad Ali’s fights. Ryan is part of the Phightin’ Phils.
Desmond Howard: Won the Heisman Trophy at Michigan, since no one could contain him in the Big House. Even a REALLY big house can’t contain some of Ryan’s blasts.
Howard Beale: Network character who famously screamed, “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!” Over the years, Phillies fans have routinely said the same thing.
Howard Hesseman: On WKRP in Cincinnati, Hesseman portrayed Dr. Johnny Fever. As a superstar wearing number 6 in Philly, Ryan is like Dr. J.
John Howard: Prime Minister of Australia, the Land Down Under. For months, Ryan’s Phillies have been far down under the Mets in the NL East.
Howard the Duck: A notorious box-office bomb. Ryan unloaded on 23 bombs in winning this summer’s Home Run Derby.
Howard University: A prominent institution in Washington, D.C. Ryan has also had a strong presence in the nation’s capital, belting six home runs in RFK Stadium.
Howard Roark: The central character in Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. In the film version, Roark was played by Gary Cooper, who previously had portrayed Lou Gehrig – another first baseman who did a little hitting.
Terrence Howard: Oscar-nominated for his role in Hustle & Flow. As a Phillies first baseman, Ryan is like Pete Rose, a/k/a Charlie Hustle.
Howard Hughes: A very wealthy man who often shut himself off from the world. After surrendering three homers to Ryan on Sunday, Atlanta Braves pitcher Tim Hudson wanted to be the same.
Leslie Howard: Portrayed Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind – a description of numerous fly balls Ryan will slug out of Wrigley Field.
Howard Rollins: The star of TV’s In the Heat of the Night had the name of two current Phillies. As a stage name, he also considered Utley Lieberthal.
Ken Howard: Star of The White Shadow. Until last year, Ryan was in the shadow of Jim Thome, who is white.
Howard Shore: Won two Academy Awards for best original music score for the Lord of the Rings series. Like Ryan, his scoring could be even better if he composed in Citizens Bank Park.
Ryan Howard is also the name of a character on NBC’s The Office. The show is set in Scranton, Pennsylvania – the same area where the baseball Ryan Howard tore up AAA for the Scranton/Wilkes-Barre Red Barons. Perhaps the TV character will get called up to Philadelphia soon – as long as inept boss Michael Scott doesn’t get in the way.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
8:00 AM
Labels: Major League Baseball, Philadelphia Phillies, Ryan Howard
Monday, September 04, 2006
Agassi's Career Ended By Ted Danson Character
Andre Agassi's glorious tennis career came to an end on Sunday in a third round defeat at the U.S. Open. Hampered by chronic back pain, the 1994 & 1999 U.S. Open champion was not expected to contend this year. However, his elimination was surprising in one notable respect. It came at the hands of Becker, Ted Danson's character from the sitcom of that name.
All week, Agassi was showered with adulation in tribute to his two decades on the court. His stirring five-set victory over eighth-seeded Marcos Baghdatis in the second round provided one last hurrah for the eight-time Grand Slam tournament winner. On Sunday, emotions ran high as Andre walked off the court for the final time, joining wife Steffi Graf in retirement. Many tears flowed in Arthur Ashe Stadium - nearly as many as NBC executives shed when Danson announced he would quit Cheers.
Becker's inclusion in the U.S. Open field apparently resulted from an oversight. A tournament official decided to invite numerous recent CBS sitcom characters to Flushing Meadows, believing that a tribute to The King of Queens was planned. He apparently misunderstood the announcement that Billie Jean King would be honored in Queens. Sportswriter Ray Barone was on hand for the festivities, as covering the ceremony allowed him an escape from his family.
Danson had not appeared as Becker since the series went off the air in 2004. However, he jumped at the opportunity to see what the character could do against the best tennis players in the world. Dr. Becker lives in New York, and since he had been out of action for over two years, he was well-rested. The character's cantankerous nature also fits in at a tournament that has previously embraced John McEnroe and Jimmy Connors.
Becker will face Andy Roddick in Monday's fourth round, but he will already be remembered by tennis fans for being Agassi's last opponent. The defeat was not Andre's first to a sitcom doctor, as he was eliminated from his initial U.S. Open in 1986 by Cliff Huxtable. During both of those matches, Agassi did seem to lose focus as a director regularly disrupted play by yelling, "Cut!" On the bright side, having a doctor on the court allowed Andre to get immediate treatment on his back after Sunday's match.
The sports world may continue to keep Danson busy after Becker's U.S. Open runs. The injury-plagued Boston Red Sox have inquired about the availability of pitcher Sam Malone. Wife Mary Steenburgen has forbidden Danson to become Sam until he is far away from Flushing Meadows. She knows that the ladies man would immediately put the moves on Maria Sharapova. One Cheers character did appear at the U.S. Open. Unfortunately, Cliff Clavin was escorted from the premises, as his constant commentary was too disruptive to nearby CBS announcers.
On Sunday, "Cheers" was the appropriate word for Agassi as the crowd expressed its appreciation to him. To Andre, Arthur Ashe Stadium was a place where everybody knows your name.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
7:29 AM
Labels: Andre Agassi, Ted Danson, tennis, TV shows
Friday, September 01, 2006
Why USA Basketball Lost To Greece
Today in Japan, Team USA lost 101-95 to Greece in the semifinals of the FIBA World Championship. The defeat represents the latest in a string of disappointments for USA Basketball since capturing the gold medal at the 2000 Olympics. While many predicted that the Americans might fall to Argentina or Spain, a loss was not expected against the Greeks. Below are some reasons for Team USA's defeat.
1996 Olympics: Greece was tremendously disappointed when Atlanta was awarded the Centennial Olympic Games over Athens. Today's result is just part of the Greeks' revenge for the slight. Earlier, Athens Olympic organizers placed a curse on Atlanta's Olympic Stadium (now Turner Field), vowing to bring pain to the stadium's occupants each October.
Alex Rodriguez: This reason is just for Yankees fans. A-Rod had nothing to do with the loss, but New Yorkers will be happy to blame him. And for the Knicks.
Antawn Jamison: The Washington Wizard is a member of Team USA. Having Mike Krzyzewski and a Tar Heel on the same team violated the laws of nature and just invited trouble from the basketball gods.
Brand & Battier: Perhaps to compensate, Coach K had two of his former Duke players in Elton Brand and Shane Battier. It is well-established that Blue Devils are incapable of winning championships after leaving school.
Coach K's: Before Krzyzewski, Team USA's previous World Championship coach was George Karl, who also fell short in 2002. As a result, USA Basketball has eliminated Stephen King and Greg Kinnear from consideration for 2010.
College Football: Many Team USA players are avid college football fans. They would have felt guilty if an appearance in the finals had taken attention away from Saturday's action on campus.
Darko Milicic: LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, and Dwyane Wade have been the three best players on Team USA. Milicic was drafted just after LeBron, but before Anthony and Wade in 2003. So clearly he would have been a dominator for Team USA. Alas, the Serbian native was unavailable to the Americans.
Doctors: American basketball can claim Julius Erving, better known as Dr. J. However, ancient Greece was home to Hippocrates, the "Father of Medicine." So he has bragging rights over all other doctors.
FIBA: Most basketball fans believe that the name of the tournament's governing body is from the French translation of International Basketball Federation. However, FIBA actually stands for "Friday Is Bad, America."
Long Names: Team USA's three leading scorers on Friday were Anthony, Wade, and James. On the other hand, the top three for Greece were Vassilis Spanoulis, Mihalis Kakiouzis, and Sofoklis Schortsianitis. Compared to Greece, Team USA's staff wasted far more preparation time figuring out how to spell and pronounce the opponents' names.
Michael Redd: The three-point stalwart was invited to participate, but declined due to his wedding. The squad suffered from a lack of patriotism with no Redd, White or Blue on the roster. It was too late to add Jahidi White or Blue Edwards.
NBA Finals: The Americans defeated Germany in their previous game. The last time Dwyane Wade beat Dirk Nowitzki, he immediately got to celebrate a championship. He assumed that would also be the case this time, so he was not prepared to play two more games.
Nia Vardalos: The star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding proved that Greek underdogs can conquer America.
Paul Tagliabue: The NFL commissioner's retirement officially takes effect today. Believing that all guys named Paul were entitled to take the day off, Chris Paul failed to score from the field.
USA Teams in 2006: It has been a rough year for the Stars & Stripes. The Olympic ice hockey team failed to medal, and the World Baseball Classic and World Cup squads fell far short of expectations. In 2006, the "USA" on the teams' uniforms has stood for "Un-Successful Athletes."
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
1:13 PM
Labels: FIBA World Championship, NBA
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The 1993 Runner-up Jinx
Less than a month after trading Bobby Abreu and many others, the Philadelphia Phillies are just one game out of the wild card lead in the National League. This Saturday, Charlie Weis leads a highly-touted Notre Dame squad into its opener at Georgia Tech. Both teams have hopes of playing for a championship. However, to do so, each must overcome a fearsome obstacle: the 1993 Runner-up Jinx.
In the major American sports, not one runner-up from the 1993 season has made it back to the championship round since then. After Joe Carter took Mitch Williams deep, the Phillies have not gotten close to the World Series again. In fact, they have not reached the postseason at all during that time, to the chagrin of Philly’s title-starved fans. The city’s resistance to championships has even caused an unprecedented decision by The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences. Academy members stripped Tom Hanks of his first Oscar, ruling that no one from Philadelphia could have legitimately won a title.
Notre Dame also finished the 1993 season at number two. The Fighting Irish have not been in the national championship mix since then. Incredibly, they have not even won a bowl game during that time, dropping eight in a row. As a result, Notre Dame lost its luster in comparison to other top programs. Symbolizing this fall in power was the sequel to Rudy, in which Rudy transfers to USC.
Perhaps most emblematic of the 1993 Runner-up Jinx are the Buffalo Bills. The 1993 season was the fourth in a row that Buffalo concluded by losing in the Super Bowl. In the early 90’s, the Bills played second fiddle as reliably as Ed McMahon. They even impacted the 1992 presidential campaign. The word “Bill” was so synonymous with runner-up status, Arkansas governor Clinton refused to reveal his first name until after he had won the election. However, Buffalo has not been a part of the past 12 Super Bowls. Therefore, the NFC representative could no longer be certain of victory.
After losing a classic six-game series to the Chicago Bulls in 1993, the Phoenix Suns have not returned to the NBA finals. The team has been close recently, falling in the conference finals the past two years. Two-time league MVP Steve Nash recently took action to try to take the next step. Noting that the 1993 Suns made it to the finals thanks to a bald MVP (Charles Barkley), Nash decided to shave off his famous hair, sporting a new buzz cut. The move seems to be a desperate ploy to overcome the ’93 Jinx, as Nash is less likely to be compared to Barkley than to Natalie Portman in V For Vendetta.
Another Canadian native with famous hair is mullet icon Barry Melrose, head coach of the 1993 Stanley Cup finalist Los Angeles Kings. As part of the familiar theme, the Kings have not returned to the final round since losing to the Montreal Canadiens that June. That run was the last time they even made the playoffs with Wayne Gretzky before The Great One was traded to St. Louis in 1996. Gretzky’s departure from Los Angeles was reportedly due to his well-publicized feud with Kobe Bryant.
So far, 1993 has refrained from commenting on the jinx. However, a source close to 1993 provided possible insight on the year’s reasons for imposing the hex. He noted, “1992 was an Olympic and presidential election year. 1994 was an Olympic and World Cup year. 1991 was a palindrome, which is a cool thing. 1993 just had the same events you see every year, so it didn’t feel special. But I guarantee you, all those runner-up teams remember 1993 now!”
Certainly the Michigan basketball program realizes the power of the 1993 Runner-up Jinx. The Wolverines fell to North Carolina in a classic NCAA final best remembered for Chris Webber’s infamous time-out. Michigan has not reached the Final Four since then. The program is so desperate to escape the jinx, it has erased all records noting its championship game appearance and has removed the corresponding banner from Crisler Arena. The measures apparently did not fool 1993, which even extended its jinx to keep Webber out of the finals during his NBA career. However, showing that it has a sense of humor, 1993 has allowed the Wolverines to make three finals appearances in the NIT.
Tennis fans are currently enjoying the U.S. Open, but they are aware that the jinx even extended to that event. The 1993 men’s runner-up was Cedric Pilone, who fell in straight sets to Pete Sampras and never returned to the U.S. Open final. Second place on the women’s side was Helena Sukova, who never again played in the championship round at Flushing Meadow. She lost in straight sets to Steffi Graf in the 1993 finals. Sukova is convinced that if the result had been reversed, she would have been the one to win the U.S. Open again in 1995 and 1996, and later marry Andre Agassi.
Despite the power of the 1993 Runner-up Jinx, the Phillies and Fighting Irish defiantly hold out hope to play in the World Series and BCS national championship game, respectively. It helps to have Ryan Howard or Brady Quinn on your side. However, if the teams fall short, 1993 will mischievously remind Mr. Manuel and Mr. Weis of the classic StarKist Tuna commercials: “Sorry Charlie!”
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
10:22 AM
Labels: sports curses
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Greg Maddux Admits Fear of Snakes
Friday night, The Arizona Diamondbacks outlasted the Los Angeles Dodgers 9-7 in 15 innings after a walk-off home run by Orlando Hudson. Long before the issue was decided, Los Angeles starter Greg Maddux struggled through five innings in which he yielded ten hits. Afterwards, Maddux confirmed why he has had so little success against the Diamondbacks. The future Hall of Famer admitted that he has an intense fear of Snakes.
The no-decision left Maddux’s career record against Arizona at 1-9, including 0-5 at Chase Field. The futility is shocking for someone who has terrorized the rest of the National League for so long. However, none of those other clubs are known as the Snakes. It is no coincidence that all four of Maddux’s Cy Young Awards were won before the Diamondbacks entered the major leagues in 1998. Frustration boiled over for the normally unflappable pitcher last July during a 13-6 rout of his Chicago Cubs by Arizona. After allowing six earned runs in four innings, Maddux screamed to Cubs manager Dusty Baker, “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing Snakes on this motherf***ing field!”
Maddux does not know the cause for his ophidiophobia, the technical term for a fear of Snakes. Perhaps his cerebral nature backfired in this case, as ophidiophobia is a big word and therefore more likely to affect people with a strong vocabulary. His nickname of Mad Dog could also contribute, as Snakes generally bite only when they feel threatened. He might not feel such anxiety against the Diamondbacks if he were called Friendly Puppy. Whatever the origin of his phobia, one aspect is particularly confounding to observers. The most lethal type of Snake, The Big Unit, is no longer in Arizona and was far more poisonous to hitters than to pitchers.
Maddux’s fear of Snakes has extended beyond his struggles against the Diamondbacks. He refuses to watch Denver Broncos games due to the presence of Jake “The Snake” Plummer. Also, Maddux left the Atlanta Braves after the 2003 season because he dreaded another year in the same division as Phillies manager Larry Bowa. An avid golfer, Maddux refuses to be on the course with anyone who plays with King Cobra clubs. However, by remaining in the National League, he has remained safely away from the Baltimore Orioles’ top prospect, Copperhead McPython.
Other clubs will surely try to use Maddux’s fear against him as the Dodgers head down the stretch. He will likely hear constant hissing noises emanating from the opposing dugout when he takes the mound. Also, Indiana Jones will surely appear on the Jumbotron in other ballparks, complaining, “Snakes. Why’d it have to be Snakes?” The National League has caught on that just as a serpent wrought havoc for Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the Diamondbacks have done likewise for Maddux in Chase Field. As noted in the Bible, Adam suffered greatly after being banished from the Garden. His ERA skyrocketed, and he suffered a torn elbow ligament – well before Tommy John surgery was available.
Fortunately for Maddux, his next start will be in Dodger Stadium on Wednesday against the Cincinnati Reds. With the Snakes still in Phoenix that night, manager Grady Little expects his pitcher to be back in top form. The Dodger front office is taking no chances, hiring renowned snake wrangler Jules Sylvester to make sure that no intruders get anywhere near Maddux.
Maddux hopes that publicly admitting his fear of Snakes will help him overcome the phobia. In the meantime, he is greatly relieved that he does not have to pitch for the Boston Red Sox. Then he would have to confront something that scares him even more than Snakes: pitching to Javy Lopez.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
2:30 PM
Labels: Arizona Diamondbacks, Greg Maddux, Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Denzel Washington-Related Storylines For The NFL Season
Just over two weeks remain until Pittsburgh and Miami kick off the NFL season on September 7. Around the league, undrafted rookies hope to beat the odds and stay on a team’s roster. John David Washington, a running back from Morehouse College, looks to do so with the St. Louis Rams. Unlike the other hopefuls, Washington happens to have an Academy Award-winning father named Denzel. Even without family considerations, Denzel Washington has numerous links to professional football this fall. His film titles are particularly relevant to the NFL, as noted below.
The Bone Collector: New England safety Rodney Harrison returns from injury, determined to claim body parts from receivers.
Courage Under Fire: What new quarterback Steve McNair will need behind the Ravens’ porous offensive line.
Crimson Tide: Former Alabama star Shaun Alexander lights up the NFL again, staying focused despite the power struggle between Denzel and Gene Hackman.
Cry Freedom: Although Dick Vermeil has retired, the Chiefs maintain the freedom to cry during emotional post-game press conferences.
Glory: Pittsburgh looks to repeat as Super Bowl champs, with an injured Ben Roethlisberger being replaced by Matthew Broderick.
He Got Game: What Peyton Manning hopes his friend Tonto will say on Super Sunday: “Peyton busy today. He got game.”
The Hurricane: A year after Katrina, New Orleans returns to the Superdome. Last year was also a reminder of Denzel’s TV days: Saint Elsewhere.
Inside Man: Inside linebacker Brian Urlacher continues to be the man, starring in a Lovie Smith joint.
John Q: The new name of Carolina Panthers coach John Fox. He changes his last name after becoming furious over comments made about him on a Fox telecast.
Malcolm X: Tampa Bay owner Malcolm Glazer becomes excessively hands-on, insisting on taking x-rays of injured players himself.
The Manchurian Candidate: In a puzzling move, new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell requires each team with a coaching vacancy to interview a candidate from Manchuria.
Man On Fire: The name of Chad Johnson’s elaborate new touchdown dance, drawing a 15-yard penalty.
Moe Better Blues: The disappointment John David Washington will feel if the Rams cut him, because Moe Williams is better.
Out Of Time: At season’s end, Brett Favre sees time run out on his Hall of Fame career. Cheesehead-wearing fans will continue to follow him on the golf course.
Philadelphia: The Eagles look to rebound from a season that, like the film, was filled with drama. But it didn’t bring any awards.
Remember The Titans: The arrival of Vince Young reminds NFL fans that Tennessee still has a team.
The Siege: Lions president Matt Millen receives his typical reaction from Detroit fans.
A Soldier’s Story: Kellen Winslow’s career finally gets on track in Cleveland.
Training Day: Each day at training camp, Bill Parcells looks over at Terrell Owens and thinks, “Why me?”
Although he is 51, do not be surprised if Denzel himself attracts attention from NFL scouts. After all, he’s always looked good on film.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
4:37 AM
Labels: Denzel Washington, NFL
Sunday, August 20, 2006
Tiger Woods: 1 To 12, By The Numbers
On Sunday at Medinah Country Club outside Chicago, Tiger Woods captured his third PGA Championship. The triumph was Tiger’s second consecutive major title and his twelfth overall. To put the accomplishment into perspective, here is a by-the-numbers guide.
1 Players who have won two PGA Championships on the same course, now that Tiger has done so at Medinah. Since he wins consistently in the Chicago area, the Bears want to know if he can play quarterback.
2 U.S. Open championships for Woods. This is the only major he hasn’t won three times, so clearly he needs to take the tournament more seriously.
3 Bogeys made by Tiger during the entire PGA Championship. For him, PGA stood for “Perfect Golf, Almost.” Or “Phil, Go Away.”
4 Masters titles won by Woods. He has been so Green-friendly, Al Gore wants him to help with his next documentary.
5 Episode number in the Star Wars series of The Empire Strikes Back. Woods provided Luke Donald, his final round playing partner, with a reminder of the film. Tiger’s fourth round dominance proclaimed, “Luke, I am your daddy!”
6 Additional major championships Tiger needs to tie Jack Nicklaus for the most as a professional. Recent history shows that the Golden Bear will be surpassed. George “Papa Bear” Halas was passed by Don Shula, Bear Bryant was overtaken by Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden, and Walter Payton was eclipsed by Emmitt Smith. These developments prove the old adage, “Records are made to be broken – if they’re held by Bears.”
7 Titles, out of 11 major tournaments, won by Woods starting with the 1999 PGA. The 7-11 combo was appropriate, as his scores caused other players to take a Big Gulp.
8 Birdies for Tiger during Saturday’s third round. He was below par so often, some locals thought he played for the Black Hawks.
9 PGA Tour victories for Woods in a sterling 2000. Unlike computers, his fellow golfers really were victims of a Y2K bug.
10 Consecutive majors without a victory for Tiger before he won the 2005 Masters. He married Elin Nordegren during that stretch, so even during a slump he fared better than mere mortals.
11 Hits for the Cincinnati Reds in Sunday’s 5-1 victory over the Pittsburgh Pirates. “Red on Sunday” has long been a winning phrase for Tiger.
12 Strokes by which Woods won his first major, the 1997 Masters. He ended the suspense so early, he received the green jacket after the ninth hole.
Next April, Tiger returns to Augusta National Golf Club in search of his 13th major. Club members forbid the use of the term “rough” by announcers. However, they should relent in the case of Woods. He’s definitely been rough on the other golfers.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
5:01 PM
Labels: golf, Tiger Woods
Thursday, August 17, 2006
15 Reasons Why The A's Have Dominated The Mariners
Wednesday night, the Oakland A’s completed a three-game sweep with a 4-0 victory over the visiting Seattle Mariners. Remarkably, the triumph was Oakland’s 15th consecutive against Seattle. In honor of the accomplishment, below are 15 reasons why the A’s have dominated the Mariners.
Black Hole: This term is generally used at McAfee Coliseum during Raider games. However, the Black Hole seems to have worked early, sucking up any hope of victory for the Mariners.
Bullpen: Mariners thrive on the water. But they’re out of their element when dealing with a (Huston) Street.
Calendar: As long as it’s not October, the A’s have no problem winning three games in a series.
Early 90’s rappers: During matchups between the two clubs, each team responded to a native of its respective city. The A’s, like Oakland’s MC Hammer, were 2 Legit 2 Quit. Baby Got Back, from Seattle’s Sir Mix-a-Lot, inspired the Mariners to get 12 games back in the AL West.
Frasier: Seattle’s favorite radio psychiatrist is no longer on the air. So while the losing streak continued, the Mariners could not solve their problems with sound advice from Dr. Crane.
Ichiro Suzuki: The Mariners' franchise player must not be team-oriented. Because it doesn’t make sense to say, “There is no ‘I’ in ‘Ichiro.’”
Paytons: Gary was great in Seattle, but he’s in Miami now. Oakland still has Jay in the outfield. He may not be known as The Glove, but he does use one.
Reminder of glory days: The A’s are the first club since the 1974 Atlanta Braves to have a 15-game winning streak against a divisional opponent. 1974 was also the year in which Oakland captured a third consecutive World Series title. The streak against Seattle was the best way to provide a reminder of those days, since GM Billy Beane has been unable to trade for Reggie Jackson and Vida Blue.
Royals’ self-esteem: Oakland begins a road-trip with a double-header in Kansas City on Friday. The A’s wanted the lowly Royals to feel good about themselves by hearing an opponent say for once, “This series has to be tougher than the last one.”
Seahawks: The A’s admire the defending NFC champions. Therefore, they decided to put Seattle sports fans’ entire focus onto the Seahawks by knocking the Mariners from contention.
Star Bucks: No, not the ubiquitous coffee corporation from Seattle. In this case, it’s the superstar money the Mariners are paying third baseman Adrian Beltre, in the midst of his second straight mediocre season. Seattle paid for a venti, but they’re not even getting a grande.
Steroid controversy: The Bay Area gets most of the baseball-related attention on this issue. However, Barry Bonds is across the bay from Oakland, and Jason Giambi, Mark McGwire, and Jose Canseco left town long ago. On the other hand, Seattle has been preoccupied by the scrutiny it will face, since the city’s most famous symbol is a giant needle.
Tennis: The U.S. Open begins on August 28. Oakland has provided attention to the event by going 15-love on Seattle.
Tom Hanks: He starred in Sleepless in Seattle, but he grew up in Oakland. He could update one of his famous quotes to say, “There’s no crying in baseball – except for the Mariners against the A’s.”
Yankees-Red Sox: The AL East rivals begin a five-game series on Friday. The A’s had to do something noteworthy before then, since ESPN will refuse to pay attention to major leaguers outside of Fenway Park the next few days.
Tonight Seattle attempts to reverse its fortunes against the Angels in Anaheim. Maybe Angel Stadium, unlike nearby Disneyland, is not the happiest place on earth. However, the Mariners are thrilled to be there, since it means they’re out of Oakland.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
3:35 PM
Labels: Major League Baseball, Oakland Athletics, Seattle Mariners
Monday, August 14, 2006
American League To Claim Both Wild Card Spots This October
Instituted after the 1993 season, the wild card represents one of numerous recent departures from tradition for Major League Baseball. It has allowed the Florida Marlins to capture two World Series despite never winning a division championship. This fall, the concept will bring an even greater change. Commissioner Bud Selig has announced that both wild card spots will be claimed by American League clubs.
The decision was made based on a glance at the wild card races in each league. Under existing rules, the Boston Red Sox would not make the playoffs at 68-48 if the season ended today. However, the 61-57 Cincinnati Reds would. To address the situation, the commissioner has decided to award the National League’s wild card spot to the club that finishes second in the AL wild card race. Reportedly, Selig had also considered giving the NL wild card berth to the winner of the Little League World Series. However, late starts for night games would have kept several players up past their bedtimes.
The cross-over team will receive the #2 seed in the NL playoffs. This seeding reflects the fact that only the New York Mets have been truly playoff-worthy in the senior circuit this season. The St. Louis Cardinals have the NL’s second-best record at 62-55, bettered by seven AL clubs. The Cards have suffered two eight-game losing streaks this season and are coming off a three-game sweep by the lowly Pittsburgh Pirates in which they were outscored 17-3. The weekend in Pittsburgh could have gone even worse, but Albert Pujols declined an invitation to go riding with Ben Roethlisberger.
The AL club that participates in the NL playoffs must abide by NL rules. Therefore, that team will not have the luxury of the designated hitter. Fortunately, the pitchers will be batting against National League staffs. Also, at Selig’s request, the AL team must pay tribute to his old Milwaukee Brewers, who shifted from the AL to NL in 1998. Therefore, the AL club will hold sausage races during each home game. As a consolation prize, the top non-division winner in the NL (normally the wild card team) will have an entrant in each sausage race.
Such concessions would be fine with the Red Sox or Minnesota Twins. They are currently second and third in the AL wild card standings, so both are prime candidates to benefit from the commissioner’s decision. Boston and Minnesota each went 16-2 in inter-league play this season. The opportunity to take on more NL opponents would almost be like Christmas in October for those clubs, even though the Red Sox no longer have Jesus in center field. Neither team has a St. Nick, but Twins infielder Nick Punto is batting .312.
Shifting an AL club to the NL playoffs could provide some compelling storylines. If the Chicago White Sox are that team, they could win the AL and NL pennants in consecutive seasons. The media would have a real field day if either the New York Yankees or the Red Sox are part of the NL playoffs. With the Mets otherwise favored in the NL, a Subway Series could take place in the NLCS. Alternatively, the NL pennant could be decided in a rematch of the 1986 World Series. Start times would have to be delayed, so Fox could devote the first hour of coverage entirely to replays of Bill Buckner’s error.
As previous years have shown, records do not necessarily mean anything in the postseason. Playoff series are won by the hottest team at the time. Fortunately for the extra club from the AL, the hottest team is unlikely to be from the National League.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
10:41 AM
Labels: Major League Baseball
Friday, August 11, 2006
Report: Ricky Bobby Tests Positive For Steroids
With five races remaining before The Chase For the Nextel Cup begins, compelling storylines are abundant in NASCAR. Points leader Jimmie Johnson has not let up since his Daytona 500 victory. Marquee names Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. hope to hold on for one of the coveted ten spots in The Chase. However, the sport’s major storyline this week is one of controversy. A report has surfaced that star driver Ricky Bobby has tested positive for steroids.
The bombshell is just the latest development this summer in the sports world’s involvement with performance-enhancing drugs. The steroid problem has cast a persistent shadow over major league baseball. Tests for sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis revealed an overabundance of testosterone for both athletes. Gatlin and Landis maintain their innocence, and Landis vows to continue his goal of making new excuses until the problem goes away. Asked for comment about those two, Bobby seemed to invite suspicion when he declared, “Nobody’s got more testosterone than me! Just don’t ask me how to spell it.”
The recent controversies have increased skepticism about how clean today’s athletes are. However, Bobby’s reported positive test shows that steroid use has reached a level few would have expected. It is so rampant, it has apparently spread to fictional characters. It is true that steroid rumors swirled around Soviet boxer Ivan Drago in 1985 when he pummeled Apollo Creed to his death. However, testing procedures were woefully inadequate at the time. Now fans will wonder whether other great sports accomplishments on film were legitimate. Hickory High School basketball legend Jimmy Chitwood took a proactive step, angrily denying that his dramatic game winner in Hoosiers was chemically enhanced.
One NASCAR driver, speaking under condition of anonymity, claims that Bobby is well-known as a steroid user. According to the source, Bobby’s bulking-up once led him to be known as Frank the Tank, and he consorted with a notorious supplier known as The Godfather. The driver claims that he has incriminating footage of one of Bobby’s workouts, in which he goes swimming with a syringe in his neck.
The controversy has also brought a cloud of suspicion around Bobby’s longtime friend and racing partner Cal Naughton, Jr. Since the pair is known for doing everything as a team, many assume that Naughton was using banned substances along with Bobby. One insider speculated that Bobby and Naughton’s famous “Shake and Bake” credo refers to the steroids named shakenol and bakeandriol. Reached for comment, Naughton declared, “I ain’t never used steroids.” He continued, “Unless Ricky admits that he did. Then I used ‘em too, since we’re a team.”
Bobby himself claims that a French conspiracy is at work. “It’s like that guy on the bike, Neil Armstrong,” he remarked. “They couldn’t beat ‘em, so they said he was on drugs.” Bobby referenced his heated rivalry with driver Jean Girard and charged that NASCAR was biased in favor of the Frenchman. He commented, “Think about it. The guy in charge of NASCAR is Brian FRANCE. No one would be on my case if Brian America was in charge.”
The positive result is expected to be confirmed at a news conference this afternoon. Bobby continues to deny steroid use, stating, “I live my life according to Baby Jesus. And Baby Jesus never give me no steroids.” Insiders expect confirmation of the positive result to bring an immediate suspension for Bobby. He also could be forced to relinquish last weekend’s box office victory. Additionally, when he is allowed to resume racing, NASCAR will likely reduce his allowable sponsorships to no more than 75.
If those punishments occur, Ricky Bobby will no longer be associated with the Nextel Cup. The only cup that will matter is the one he peed into.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
7:28 AM
Labels: movies, NASCAR, Ricky Bobby, steroids
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Ten Reasons Why the Dodgers Have Been Bipolar
Heading into a July 28 home contest versus the Washington Nationals, the Los Angeles Dodgers had lost eight consecutive games. That night, the Dodgers rolled to a 13-1 victory to begin what is now a 10-game winning streak. The club has confounded observers by seemingly turning a switch from ineptitude to excellence. Why has the team been bipolar the past few weeks? Here are ten reasons.
Old School: Many Dodgers watched the movie over the All-Star break, and Will Ferrell convinced them that streaking is the way to go. So the club started a losing streak before deciding that a winning streak is more fun. The Dodgers also pay tribute to the movie with their slogan “Think Blue,” in honor of the fallen 90-year-old frat brother.
Wilson Betemit: The infielder was acquired from the Atlanta Braves on July 28 for Danys Baez and Willy Aybar. That night, Los Angeles began its winning streak. Over the same period, Atlanta is 3-7. Years from now, Braves fans may rue the Curse of the Betemo.
Greg Maddux: The future Hall of Famer, taking his second start as a Dodger tonight, was consistently shelled as a Chicago Cub this season. Getting in the turnaround spirit of his new club, he threw six no-hit innings in his first appearance for Los Angeles. General manager Ned Colletti revealed that he actually traded for the Greg Maddux of 1994.
Theme Parks: The Los Angeles area is filled with them, including Disneyland, Magic Mountain, and Universal. In order to draw families, the Dodgers decided to provide their own roller coaster this summer.
Milton Bradley: Los Angeles traded the combustible outfielder to Oakland in the off-season. Without his unpredictability, the club needed to come up with another way to bring wild mood swings to Dodger Stadium.
Shortstops: In addition to current shortstop Rafael Furcal, the Dodgers have a converted shortstop at second base (Julio Lugo) and third (Betemit). They will have another one at first base when the injured Nomar Garciaparra returns. Any good shortstop should display range, so a team filled with them will naturally be all over the place in its performance.
Floyd Landis: On July 27, Landis was basking in the glow of a Tour de France triumph, while the Dodgers had lost eight in a row. The cyclist’s positive drug test was reported that day. Since his fortunes plummeted, the ballclub was due to rise again to maintain the famous Dodger-Landis equilibrium.
A Tale of Two Cities: The classic by Charles Dickens is on many summer reading lists. Most students don’t want to actually read it, so the Dodgers thought they’d summarize what they need to know: “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
Starting Rotation: Recently acquired Mark Hendrickson stands 6’9.” So like anyone who’s bipolar, the pitching staff displays the high (Hendrickson) and the Lowe (Derek).
Steve Garvey Bobblehead Night: This was the promotion on the night the Dodgers began their winning streak. Seeing the bobblehead go up and down, the players knew that after having been down they were due to go back up again. Reportedly, the Garvey bobblehead was so life-like, it fathered three children out-of-wedlock.
On July 27, the Dodgers were in last place, seven games behind the first place Padres and considered dead by many baseball fans. Today Los Angeles is in second, 1 ½ games back of San Diego and tied for the wild card lead with Cincinnati. A handful of teams have gone the worst-to-first route from one season to the next. The Dodgers want to take that accomplishment to an extreme: doing it within two weeks.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
10:30 AM
Labels: Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball
Saturday, August 05, 2006
A Sitcom-Based Guide To College Football's Pre-season Top 15
On Friday, USA Today released the pre-season college football coaches’ poll. As Hayden Fox did throughout much of the 1990’s on Coach, the leaders of the top-ranked programs enter the season with high expectations. The Minnesota State Screaming Eagles did not make it into the poll. However, the top 15 teams all relate to a notable television comedy, as shown below.
15. Michigan: Home Improvement. The Wolverines must play better in Ann Arbor, where they lost three times in 2005. Especially considering the tough road schedule, for which coach Lloyd Carr will need sage advice from partially unseen neighbor Wilson.
14. Georgia: Two And A Half Men. What opponents need, at a minimum, to keep All-America defensive end Quentin Moses from reaching the quarterback. He’s as fixated on sacks as Charlie Sheen is on getting into the sack.
13. Louisville: That 70’s Show. Point totals the Cardinals’ high-powered offense could reach. Especially September 9 against Temple, whose football program has contributed more to comedy than alumnus Bill Cosby.
12. California: Who’s The Boss? Coach Jeff Tedford is uncertain who his starting quarterback will be. On the other hand, running back Marshawn Lynch has made Berkeley as hostile toward opposing defenders as it is for Republicans.
11. Miami: The Wonder Years. Hurricane fans long for the dominant days of 2000 to 2002. When “wonder” did not mean “I wonder if we’ll beat UNC.”
10. Florida State: All in the Family. All-time coaching victories leader Bobby Bowden is aided by son Jeff, FSU’s offensive coordinator. Paying tribute to the series, Seminole fans constantly refer to Jeff as Meathead.
9. LSU: Gimme a Break! Coach Les Miles reacts to a schedule that includes trips to Florida, Auburn, and Tennessee. Why is a guy named Les Miles traveling at all?
8. Florida: Everybody Hates Chris. Actually, that’s an exaggeration of the treatment for quarterback Chris Leak in Gainesville. Until his first interception.
7. West Virginia: Scrubs. What most of the opponents on the Mountaineers’ schedule are. These teams were less successful in 2005 than FEMA.
6. Auburn: Full House. Jordan-Hare Stadium will be packed for showdowns with fellow Top 15 members LSU, Florida, and Georgia. If the Tigers sweep those three, plus the Iron Bowl in Tuscaloosa, the town will be renamed Tuberville.
5. Oklahoma: Curb Your Enthusiasm. Sooner fans’ national title hopes were tempered by quarterback Rhett Bomar’s dismissal. Fortunately, the Peterson in the OU backfield is Adrian, not Norm.
3 (tie). USC: A Different World. The Trojans begin life without Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush. The talent drop-off is so steep, they’ve slipped completely out of the top 2.
3 (tie). Notre Dame: The Brady Bunch. Quarterback Brady Quinn may be the first Heisman winner in South Bend since Tim Brown. Fortunately, he’s more accurate with the football than Peter Brady, so he won’t give his sister a grotesquely swollen nose with an errant pass.
2. Texas: Happy Days. Longhorn fans are still ecstatic over the national title. Despite the departure of Vince Young, the follow-up should be better than Joanie Loves Chachi.
1. Ohio State: According To Jim. Coach Jim Tressel looks for his second national championship in Columbus. When it comes to Buckeye coaches, Michigan fans preferred Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper.
An early 1-2 showdown looms on September 9, when Ohio State visits Texas. Like most of the shows noted above, the game will be taped before a live studio audience. Of more than 80,000.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
5:09 AM
Labels: college football
Thursday, August 03, 2006
"The View" Eliminates Gatlin, Landis From Co-Host Consideration
With the recent departure of Star Jones-Reynolds, The View is searching for a new co-host. Fans of the female-oriented talk show are eager to know the next addition to the ensemble. View producers have made it clear that their set is not a place for testosterone. Therefore, sprinter Justin Gatlin and Tour de France winner Floyd Landis have been eliminated from consideration.
Testosterone has brought tremendous scrutiny to both athletes. Gatlin announced that he had tested positive for “testosterone or its precursors” following an April 22 race. Gatlin, the 100-meter Olympic gold medalist in 2004, claimed that he never knowingly used any banned substances, and he plans to vigorously challenge the results. He could face a lifetime ban and be stripped of his world record, shared with Asafa Powell with a time of 9.77 seconds. Coincidentally, The View has inspired millions of men to emulate Gatlin’s performance on the track. When women sit down to watch the show, their husbands sprint out of the room at record speed.
A drug test for Landis revealed an “A” sample with an illegally high ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone after Stage 17 of the Tour. The results of the “B” sample are expected on Saturday. Stage 17 was the defining leg of Landis’s victory, as he jumped from 11th place to third, just 30 seconds behind the leader. Like Gatlin, he professes his innocence and claims that his seemingly unbelievable Stage 17 performance had nothing to do with illegal substances. Landis insists that his dominance resulted because he raced on a motorcycle that day. Amazingly, no Tour officials noticed.
The scandals cast a further shadow on two sports in which doping issues have been far too common. Track and cycling are widely viewed as havens for cheaters. The governing bodies of both sports are eager to eliminate these types of controversies. Then they can concentrate on the actual competitions and go back to being ignored by Americans.
In the meantime, representatives for each man shrewdly opted to make their athletes available for The View. In doing so, they hoped to convince the public that they could not possibly have an overabundance of testosterone. To further support this PR strategy, Gatlin and Landis have refused all offers to appear in beer commercials, and each man has cancelled his subscription to Maxim. Additionally, both men have consistently remarked during interviews how much they adored The Devil Wears Prada.
However, producers from The View were fully aware of the results and refused to play along with their plan. A spokeswoman for the show remarked, “We absolutely forbid testosterone on The View, so Justin Gatlin and Floyd Landis are not welcome here.” An observer added, “You tell ‘em, girl!” The announcement came on the heels of Mel Gibson’s decision to take himself out of the co-host sweepstakes. Reportedly, Gibson had believed that the show was called The Jew.
Representatives for Gatlin and Landis were disappointed by the show’s decision. One associate even called the stance hypocritical. “If they’re so anti-testosterone,” he asked, “why did they hire Rosie O’Donnell?” He added that Barbara Walters should not be above suspicion, since talking with a lisp is a common side effect of testosterone use.
The View will proceed in its search without Gatlin and Landis. However, the two men still have an opportunity to show that they are not driven by testosterone. They can plead their cases as guests on Oprah. She welcomes all athletes, as long as their physical activities do not include couch-jumping.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
7:23 AM
Labels: Floyd Landis, Justin Gatlin, steroids, Tour de France, track and field, TV shows
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
One Year In The Books!
Today represents the one-year anniversary of Jack’s Sports Humor. It is cause for celebration, so feel free to raise a glass before reading the rest of this entry. In honor of the festive occasion, a mariachi band is crowded around my computer as I type today’s column.
The magic all started last August 1 with a simple limerick:
There was a great rider named Lance
Who crushed all his rivals in France
He won’t try for eight
But he will celebrate
As Sheryl Crow takes off his pants
Indeed, August 1 is a day for historic entries. On that date in 1944, Anne Frank made the final entry in her diary. Miss Frank gave the world a powerful, heart-breaking work treasured by millions around the world. However, I can honestly say that my blog is far more informed about the sports world than her diary was, and I try to provide more laughs than that depressing “hiding from the Nazis” theme.
The above limerick – written before Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow parted ways – shows that much can change in a year’s time. Last August 1, Bill Cowher and Mack Brown couldn’t win the big one. Chicago was 88 years removed from its last World Series championship. And George Mason was that creepy kid you remembered from high school because of his body odor.
Through it all, I have faithfully written about sports issues from an absurd point of view. I promise more of the same in year two, dedicating myself to beating the dreaded sophomore jinx. If any of my columns are not up to snuff, I pledge to respond like any self-respecting athlete would. I’ll blame my failure on a referees’ conspiracy.
I am very thankful to all of you who have visited this site on a regular basis. I would love to attract more readers, so please forward my URL to other sports fans with a sense of humor. I won’t beg, since you can’t see me anyway, so dropping to my knees and pleading would just be silly. Plus it would scare off the mariachi band. But you get the point.
Thanks for reading, and come back soon! Oh, and before I forget, happy 227th birthday to Francis Scott Key.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
12:24 AM
Sunday, July 30, 2006
White House Unlikely To Deal Cheney Before Trade Deadline
With Monday afternoon’s trade deadline looming, speculation has been rampant about a handful of major league stars. No player has been more in demand than Washington Nationals outfielder Alfonso Soriano. However, the market for another high-priced veteran in D.C. has been very limited. Sources close to the White House concede that the Bush administration is unlikely to be able to trade Vice President Dick Cheney.
Upon taking office in 2001, Cheney was viewed as a significant asset to the administration for his savvy veteran leadership. However, most observers feel that he is well past his prime. Potential trading partners have been scared off by Cheney’s age and health problems, as well as the additional two year commitment to him beyond this season. Additionally, other clubs feared that a clubhouse disagreement could lead Cheney to shoot a teammate.
The New York Yankees’ acquisition of Bobby Abreu from Philadelphia appeared to kill the White House’s best hope for a trade. The Bronx Bombers are known for stockpiling high-priced veterans. However, even they did not find Cheney appealing, particularly given the administration’s request for highly touted pitching prospect Philip Hughes in return. Most observers considered the White House proposal to be completely unrealistic. They added that Hughes would be a bad fit for the administration, given the right-hander’s lack of foreign policy expertise.
The Yankees were also fearful of the baggage Cheney might bring to the Bronx. Reportedly, his proposed trade to New York dictated that all Yankee Stadium concessions would be run by Halliburton. Additionally, the vice president’s abysmal approval rating meant that his acquisition would likely alienate Yankee fans. As third baseman Alex Rodriguez remarked, “I can’t imagine such an unpopular guy playing for our team.”
A source close to the White House indicated that President Bush is very disappointed over his inability to make a trade. Finding a taker for Cheney could have eased his regret over an ill-fated deadline deal he made in 1989 as managing partner of the Texas Rangers. In that transaction, Bush traded away a young Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox. The president is still eager to atone for that mistake. Upon his inauguration in 2001, he was dismayed to learn that the 12-year-old deal could not be nullified by a presidential veto.
The White House’s urgency to deal Cheney has been heightened by the stance of another high-priced veteran in the administration. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has made it clear that he is not going anywhere. Last week, the president reportedly sent an aide to Rumsfeld’s office to see whether the Cabinet member might waive his no-trade clause. According to White House sources, Rumsfeld responded by sending the staffer to Guantanamo Bay.
With Cheney seemingly remaining in Washington for now, the administration apparently holds out hope that he will exercise his option and become a free agent after November’s mid-term elections. In the meantime, as Vice President he retains the right to cast the tie-breaking vote in the Senate as necessary. President Bush would love to trade for another guy who specializes in breaking ties. But David Ortiz is staying in Boston.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
9:06 PM
Labels: Dick Cheney, Major League Baseball
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Californians Urged To Cool Off By Wearing Dodger Uniforms
Over the past two weeks, California residents have had to withstand a record-breaking heat wave. Sweltering conditions have led to dozens of deaths and caused fears of blackouts and widespread wildfires. In response, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has drawn inspiration from the Californians who have been the coldest over this period. The governor has implored Golden Staters to cool off by wearing Los Angeles Dodger uniforms.
The Dodgers have provided a model for dealing with the heat by remaining remarkably frigid since the All-Star break, losing 13 of 14 games during that span. Wednesday’s 10-3 drubbing by the San Diego Padres was the eighth consecutive setback for Los Angeles, dropping the club to 7.5 games behind the first-place Padres. The Dodgers’ team ERA has risen in line with the soaring temperatures. Last Saturday in Woodland Hills, the thermometer hit a staggering 119 – roughly the Dodgers’ slugging percentage these days.
As a result, putting on a Dodger uniform should cool off Californians better than any air conditioner could. Immediately the uniform brings a refreshing chill, as well as the experience of striking out with a man in scoring position. However, with safety as a prime concern during the heat wave, residents are advised to use caution. Wearing the Dodger uniform does carry a significant risk of injury. On the bright side, anyone who wears J.D. Drew’s number 7 could get an unexpected bonus – receiving $11 million per year for no apparent reason.
Dodger uniforms are just one of many strategies Governor Schwarzenegger has considered in dealing with the crisis. At one point, the governor volunteered to reprise his role as Mr. Freeze from Batman & Robin and put the entire state on ice. However, advisors got him to reconsider, noting that the mere mention of the awful movie would doom his hopes for re-election this November. As an alternative, Governor Schwarzenegger has held discussions with his Colorado counterpart Bill Owens to see if Owens will send the Coors Light Silver Bullet Train to cool off California.
One area in which the Dodgers will not be able to help residents is with power failures. Tens of thousands of state residents lost power this week, as aging transmission equipment failed under the heavy demand load caused by the heat. However, the Dodgers have no power to spare, ranking last in the National League with 82 home runs. Governor Schwarzenegger remarked with a chuckle, “Only Gray Davis has less power in this state.” He continued, “If the Dodgers keep losing, it’ll be ‘Hasta la vista, Grady.’” The line was in accordance with his re-election slogan “Four more years of tired catchphrases.”
The cooling effect of the Dodger uniforms has given hope to Al Gore in his fight against global warming. The former vice president has requested the creation of gigantic Dodger uniforms, large enough to cover glaciers. One such uniform is already in use, as 290-pound reliever Jonathan Broxton has donated his. Gore is particularly inspired because the sports world made him despondent about the issue just last month. The NBA finals left him convinced that nothing could be done to stop the Heat.
While the Dodgers are doing their part during the heat wave, the neighboring Angels are refusing to keep themselves cool. The Angels are 17-5 during July and have moved into a first place tie with Oakland. With the scorching activity around him, the Rally Monkey is sweating buckets. And he’s begging for a Dodger jersey.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
7:53 AM
Labels: Los Angeles Dodgers, Major League Baseball
Monday, July 24, 2006
Tiger Woods To Enter 2007 Tour De France
Sunday in Paris, Floyd Landis realized the ultimate achievement in cycling as he won the Tour de France. On the heels of Lance Armstrong’s seven straight victories, it was the eighth championship in a row for a U.S. rider. Next year, another American hopes to experience victory on the Champs-Elysées. Tiger Woods has announced his intention to enter the 2007 Tour de France.
Woods had his own moment of glory Sunday, winning his third British Open and 11th major championship overall. It was an emotional occasion, representing his first major title since the passing of his father Earl. However, in one respect the victory was like all ten of his previous triumphs. Tiger had led by one stroke as play began on Sunday, and he is now 11-0 when leading after three rounds at a major. Tournament officials at Royal Liverpool Golf Club considered canceling the final round, knowing that the outcome was no longer in doubt. However, out of custom and respect for the fans, they proceeded with play on Sunday.
The Tour de France is similar to a Tiger-led major, as the concluding Sunday is merely considered a formality. A 59-second advantage, achieved by Landis in the penultimate stage on Saturday, was considered insurmountable in Sunday’s short and flat final stage. Therefore, Woods feels that he would be at home in France, assuming that he can grab the lead before the final stage. All he has to do is change sports, survive an indescribably grueling competition through thousands of miles of country roads and mountains, and outrace the best cyclists in the world. The Jack Nicklaus comparisons would then cease, as Nicklaus never finished better than third at the Tour de France.
If Tiger does lead the Tour on the final Sunday, he will have to adapt his attire. A treasured tradition of the event is that the leader wears the yellow jersey. However, Woods famously wears red on Sunday during golf tournaments. He has been so successful maintaining the lead while wearing red, other Tigers are following suit. As long as they sit atop the American League Central, the Detroit Tigers plan to wear red shirts during Sunday games. Woods is willing to forgo his beloved red in favor of yellow, but he does plan to ask Tour officials for one accommodation. He would like to wear a green jacket over the yellow jersey.
The magic of the yellow jersey apparently does not extend to Tiger’s current sport. Sergio Garcia, his final round partner at the British Open, wore a yellow shirt and yellow pants on Sunday. Unlike Landis, Garcia faltered in yellow, shooting a 73 and finishing seven shots behind. Sergio refused to blame his attire, claiming that his struggles resulted from being Sergio Garcia in the final round of a major. On the bright side, his all-yellow ensemble has made him the favorite to star as Big Bird in the next tour of Sesame Street Live.
As an American rider, Woods is also required to endure a debilitating health issue before he can win the Tour. Greg LeMond, the first U.S. victor, captured two of his three championships after being severely injured in a hunting accident. Armstrong famously overcame cancer before his historic run. Landis is afflicted with a hip ailment, osteonecrosis, and plans to undergo hip replacement surgery. In turn, Tiger has already planned how to get injured, answering the dreams of golf rivals Phil Mickelson, Vijay Singh, and Ernie Els in the process. Woods has invited the trio to send him to the emergency room by striking him repeatedly with their favorite clubs.
One final challenge will remain for Tiger before he joins next year’s Tour de France. It is common knowledge that no competitive cyclist can be taken seriously unless he has rampant doping rumors swirling around him. Therefore, Woods has hired a publicist who specializes in making steroid allegations against athletes. After the charges circulate to the point that he is frequently labeled as a cheater, Tiger will be prepared for the rigors of the Tour.
In the end, Woods expects to hoist a champagne glass next July as he pedals to Paris in victory. Golf does not provide the same opportunity, as drinking would be out of place for a champion golfer before he finishes the final round. Unless it’s John Daly.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
8:01 AM
Labels: golf, Tiger Woods, Tour de France
Friday, July 21, 2006
Ways Hillenbrand & Gibbons Could Have Settled Dispute
On Wednesday, the Toronto Blue Jays dismissed designated hitter Shea Hillenbrand from the club, leaving them 10 days to either trade or release him. Hillenbrand’s banishment was the culmination of a long-running feud with manager John Gibbons. After a clubhouse confrontation on Wednesday, it had reached the “either he goes or I go” stage for Gibbons. General Manager J.P. Ricciardi agreed with Gibbons that Hillenbrand had to leave, but perhaps Ricciardi should have explored other ways to decide which man got to remain with Toronto. Possibilities could have included the following:
Canadian Idol: A panel of judges determines who stays, based on the better singer of baseball songs like “Centerfield” and “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.”
Chariot Race: Toronto enjoys a spectacle worthy of the ancient Greeks and Romans. The loser is replaced in the organization by Charlton Heston.
Chugging Contest: The clubhouse meets the frathouse as the beer flows, with Hillenbrand and Gibbons getting tanked enough to forget why they were mad at each other. They are last seen embracing and shouting, “No, YOU are the man!”
Duel: The last recorded duel in Canada occurred in 1873, so the nation is long overdue for another one. As the manager, Gibbons gets to decide whether pistols or swords are used.
Fiddle-Playing Contest: “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” is reprised in the clubhouse, with Hillenbrand and Gibbons replacing Johnny and the devil. Judge Charlie Daniels decides whether the defeated man also loses his soul.
Final Vote: Similar to the All-Star Game, voters at MLB.com get to decide the last guy standing. Out of habit, Bobby Abreu is also on the ballot.
Freestyle Rap Competition: Hillenbrand and Gibbons channel Eminem in 8 Mile. The winner stays in Toronto AND gets Brittany Murphy.
Girl Scout Cookies: Whoever sells the most thin mints remains with the Jays. A distinct advantage goes to the man who looks best in a girl scout uniform.
Hot Dog Eating: Winner gets recognized as the “Kobayashi of the Clubhouse.”
Improv Competition: The men pay tribute to the strong improv comedy presence in Toronto. Hillenbrand goes first in the clubhouse, requesting an occupation, vacation destination, and household appliance.
Jeopardy!: This is a natural, as host Alex Trebek hails from Ontario. Team officials may regret this method, as the winner will spend the next week phrasing everything in the form of a question.
Judge Judy: The judicial television star decides who has to go, after berating both men for the poor choices they’ve made in life.
Science Fair: The creator of the better science project stays with the ballclub, but he is immediately labeled as a nerd in the clubhouse.
Shoot-out: The two men entertain the hockey-mad Toronto fans as they take the ice. The shoot-out also benefits the Maple Leafs, providing a chance for new goaltender Andrew Raycroft to get some practice.
Spirit Competition: In order to prove who has the most team spirit, Hillenbrand and Gibbons decorate players’ lockers and perform cheers in front of teammates. They conclude the contest by reading their essays on “What It Means To Be A Blue Jay.”
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
11:15 AM
Labels: John Gibbons, Major League Baseball, Shea Hillenbrand, Toronto Blue Jays
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
Huey Lewis: Face of the Steroid Era
Late last week, it was reported that an indictment of San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds could be forthcoming. The potential indictment would relate to charges of perjury and tax evasion stemming from Bonds’s 2003 grand jury testimony regarding the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO). However, it is time to shift the focus to the real culprit in the performance-enhancing drugs controversy. Rather than Bonds, that individual is another star from the Bay Area. 80s pop icon Huey Lewis is the true face of the steroid era.
Huey Lewis & The News launched the steroid era in 1983 with their song “I Want A New Drug.” The tune blatantly expressed a need for new designer steroids that would beat drug testing. Without the influence of this irresistible pop confection, few athletes would have had any desire to use performance-enhancing substances. Today legislators are clamoring to remove drugs from sports. In 1983, Huey Lewis & The News brazenly put drugs into Sports, their #1 album.
The song’s success inspired Victor Conte to found BALCO in 1984. During the 1970s, Conte had actually played with The Tower of Power, which served as the horn section for Huey Lewis & The News from 1982 to 1994. Conte and Lewis shared a dream to spread the gospel of performance-enhancing substances through music. Lewis had failed in his previous attempt at this goal with the short-lived band, Steroid-Popping Accordion Gods.
The synergy between BALCO and Huey Lewis reaped huge rewards in 1985 with the Back To The Future soundtrack. "The Power of Love" became a #1 smash, with “Love” being a euphemism for Stanozolol. Huey’s obsession with performance-enhancing drugs was shared by BALCO chemist and film star Doc Brown. Onscreen, Brown was fixated on time travel, but most of the doc’s work in his laboratory was devoted to developing steroids. He succeeded in bringing such substances back to 1955, when ‘roid rage inspired George McFly to finally knock out Biff. However, the use of steroids backfired, as they made George sterile and kept his son Marty from ever being born.
Huey and his mates further thumbed their nose at the anti-drug forces in 1986 with their #1 hit “Stuck With You.” When he crooned, “I’m so happy to be stuck with you,” Lewis was singing to his favorite syringe. He also was responsible for the development of HGH, which stands for Huey Growth Hormone. However, despite the mountain of evidence against him, his adoring public still refused to believe that Lewis was leading the steroid movement. The fans would not accept the idea that rock and roll could be infiltrated by drugs.
The sinister influence of Huey Lewis on sports has been particularly problematic for Bud Selig and his fellow commissioners. Selig consistently denounces Lewis, an avid San Francisco Giants fan, but his authority to punish someone who has never played major league baseball is severely limited. He has banned the group from performing the national anthem at Giants games and has ordered AT&T Park personnel not to show Huey and his wife on the Kiss-cam. The commissioner is also consulting advisers on whether he can punish San Francisco players named Lewis. If so, the 1994 Gold Glove for outfielder Darren Lewis could be revoked.
In any case, it is time for the commissioner to invoke the “best interests of the game” clause and ban Huey Lewis from baseball for life. It is true that Huey has never failed an MLB drug test, and that other members of The News were part of his conspiracy. However, he was the one in the spotlight - getting the girl in the music videos – and therefore he is entitled to a greater penalty than his mates. If the lifetime ban does not make Lewis feel remorse, there’s one punishment that is guaranteed to do so. Lock him in a room for four hours and play a continuous loop of “Hip To Be Square.”
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
2:25 PM
Labels: Huey Lewis, Major League Baseball, steroids
Saturday, July 15, 2006
How U2 Relates To The Sports World This Summer
U2 has often been in the consciousness of American sports fans recently. This presence is not only due to ABC and ESPN’s use of the band’s music to promote their World Cup coverage. In fact, many of U2’s hit songs have particular relevance to the sports world this summer. Descriptions are included below.
All I Want Is You: Isiah Thomas speaks to a mirror.
Bad: The U.S. team sums up its World Cup performance.
Beautiful Day: Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons describes Roy (Halla)Day as Halladay takes the mound.
Desire: Male Wimbledon fans say what they feel while watching Maria Sharapova.
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For: Mark Cuban is quoted after the NBA finals.
I Will Follow: A Tour de France rider discusses his strategy.
Mysterious Ways: Phil Mickelson describes the path of his final tee shot at the U.S. Open.
New Year’s Day: Duke football coach Ted Roof tells his team when he expects their season to end. Then Roof and the players laugh hysterically.
Numb: Marco Materazzi describes how Zinedine Zidane made his chest feel.
October: The Detroit Tigers learn about a month that was previously unknown to them.
One: Kansas City Royals manager Buddy Bell predicts how many wins his club will get during a 12-game road trip.
Staring at the Sun: Steve Nash groupies gaze at their hero.
Stuck in a Moment You Can’t Get Out Of: The National League loses yet another All-Star Game.
Sunday Bloody Sunday: San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Nolan reveals what he expects on a weekly basis this fall.
Until the End of The World: A Philly sports fan states how long he’ll have to wait before the city’s next title.
When Love Comes To Town: Davis Love arrives in New York for the U.S. Open.
With or Without You: The Belmont Stakes go on without Barbaro.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
NL Wants Rangers Out of All-Star Game
Tuesday night it appeared that the National League would finally break its All-Star Game drought. The NL needed one more out from Padres closer Trevor Hoffman to finish off a 2-1 victory. However, Texas shortstop Michael Young dashed the NL’s hopes with a two-run triple to rally the American League to a 3-2 triumph. Afterwards, the NL was united in its desire to ban Rangers from the All-Star Game.
Ever since 2003, Texas has been a thorn in the side of the NL during the midsummer classic. That year, the commissioner’s office proclaimed, “This time it counts,” admitting that the first 73 editions of the midsummer classic were a waste of everyone’s time. Ranger third baseman Hank Blaylock went on to smack an eighth-inning homer off Eric Gagne to rally the AL to a 7-6 victory. It was only fitting that home field in the World Series was determined by someone from a club in the midst of its fourth consecutive last-place finish.
In 2004, Texas second baseman Alfonso Soriano won MVP honors with a three-run dinger off Roger Clemens as the AL cruised 9-4. Soriano was the first All-Star Game MVP from the Rangers since 1990, when a 60-year-old Julio Franco accomplished the feat. Last year, Texas first baseman Mark Teixeira smacked a two-run homer off Dontrelle Willis during the AL’s 7-5 win. Willis had been known to struggle against switch-hitters whose names were difficult to spell.
Noticing a trend, National League clubs decided to enhance the senior circuit’s chances by bringing Rangers to their side. During the off-season, the Washington Nationals traded for Soriano. Skeptics claimed that he would upset clubhouse chemistry by refusing to play the outfield. Also, as a well-known individual moving from Texas to Washington, many observers expected him to invade a foreign country. However, Soriano silenced the critics with a strong first half that earned him the lead-off spot in the NL lineup on Tuesday. Less successful in acquiring a Ranger were the Brewers, as Walker, Texas Ranger has been a bust in Milwaukee.
The NL did feel that playing Tuesday’s contest in Pennsylvania would offset the power of the Rangers. The NL’s last All-Star victory came in Philadelphia in 1996. All-time, the NL had been 7-1 in the Keystone State, including 4-0 in Pittsburgh. If the NL had held on to win Tuesday night, it likely would have requested that next year’s All-Star Game be moved from San Francisco to Scranton. After that, the National League would have urged major league baseball to follow the lead of Little League and hold its showcase summer event in Williamsport every year.
However, the NL’s hopes were once again dashed by a Texas infielder, as Young earned MVP honors with his clutch hit. In response, NL teams have joined together in their request to ban Rangers from the midsummer classic. They point out that despite being in existence since 1961 (originally as the Washington Senators), the Rangers have never played in the World Series. Therefore, they should not be allowed to decide home field advantage until they actually participate in the Fall Classic. One NL owner drew a parallel, noting, “If Skybar won’t let you in the door, you don’t get to decide what martinis they serve.”
Unlike most AL clubs, Texas actually had a losing record in interleague play. However, next July in San Francisco, the National League wants to avoid the Rangers at all costs. Unfortunately for the NL, most observers expect commissioner Bud Selig to allow the Rangers to participate. If so, rather than “This time it counts,” the game's slogan will be “Don’t mess with Texas.”
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
10:29 AM
Labels: Major League Baseball, Texas Rangers
Monday, July 10, 2006
Great Sports Weekend For the French Turns Sour
For most of this past weekend, it was a joyous time for French athletes. Their presence on the world stage loomed as large as the Eiffel Tower. However, their jubilation ended Sunday night as Italy celebrated a World Cup championship. A great weekend in French sports suddenly turned to misery.
On Saturday, France’s Amelie Mauresmo made her country proud by defeating Justine Henin-Hardenne to win Wimbledon. The top-seeded Mauresmo became the first Wimbledon women’s singles champion from France since 1925, when Suzanne Lenglen defeated England’s Joan Fry in the final. After that match, the embittered Fry allegedly placed a curse on French women, prohibiting them from winning at Wimbledon. Most tennis historians do not believe in the hex, although they do acknowledge that Fry often wore a witch’s costume on the court and played with a broom instead of a racket. According to the legend, the curse would only be broken when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series.
While Mauresmo’s triumph across the English Channel was sweet, the French also prevailed on the other side of the Atlantic Saturday night. Jeff “Frenchy” Francoeur smacked the go-ahead homer to rally the Atlanta Braves to a 4-1 victory over the Cincinnati Reds. In appreciation, the Turner Field crowd delivered the Tomahawk Chop chant in a French accent. The sound was music to the ears of new Braves third base coach Gerard Depardieu.
Sunday the French continued to flourish, as Sylvain Calzati won the eighth stage of the Tour de France. Ukrainian Serhiy Honchar currently wears the yellow jersey, but the home fans enjoyed seeing Calzati’s moment of glory. He also entertained his countrymen in ways beyond winning. After the race, he pretended to inject himself with steroids, yelling, “Look at me, I’m Lance Armstrong!” to the amused French spectators.
With all this sports glory, the stage was set for France to win its second World Cup championship. Captain Zinedine Zidane continued the momentum by converting a penalty kick in the seventh minute for a 1-0 lead. The retiring Zidane had led France to the 1998 World Cup championship, and a second title would have vaulted him past ZZ Top as the most accomplished ZZ in history. As a tribute to his namesake rockers, he reportedly considered playing the final in sunglasses and a long beard. Zidane chose to go without those accessories, but he was inspired by a pre-game speech by the band’s Billy Gibbons, who told the French team, “You’ve got legs, you know how to use them.”
Unfortunately for the French, the jubilation did not last. Italy evened the score later in the first half, and neither side managed another goal in regulation. Zidane earned an early exit during the second overtime period by head-butting Marco Materazzi in the chest and drawing a red card. Reportedly, Zidane’s outburst resulted from his career-long frustration over being the last guy listed in the program. To his credit, the French legend remained respectful of the rules of soccer and refused to use his hands in striking Materazzi.
Italy ultimately prevailed in penalty kicks and celebrated the nation’s fourth World Cup championship. The outcome means that France must relinquish certain privileges to Italy until the 2010 World Cup. For the next four years, open-mouth smooching will be called Italian kissing, and the former cast member from 3rd Rock From the Sun will be known as Italian Stewart. Also, the world’s most famous slutty hotel heiress is now named Rome Hilton.
So a weekend that carried such promise for French sports ended in heartbreak. However, the most famous resident of Paris is smiling today. Because the Mona Lisa is Italian.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Hidden Base Trick Inflames A's-Angels Rivalry
Thursday night Frank Thomas socked a walk-off home run to lead the Oakland Athletics to a 7-5 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This type of drama has been typical in recent years for these American League West adversaries. However, the Big Hurt’s blast was not the only development to infuriate the Angels on Thursday. The Halos were livid when Oakland pulled the hidden base trick during Orlando Cabrera’s at-bats.
The Angels shortstop singled in the 5th and 7th innings to extend his streak of reaching base to 63 consecutive games. The streak is the longest in major league baseball since 1960, passing a 58-game stretch by Barry Bonds in 2003. Statistics on such streaks are incomplete before 1960, but the Elias Sports Bureau has Boston’s Ted Williams with the major league record at 84 straight games in 1949. Some may wonder how a record can be affirmed when statistics from that era are acknowledged to be incomplete. An Elias representative admitted, “Look, we’re praying that we don’t find some nobody who had more than 84. If we throw the name ‘Ted Williams’ out there, no one really questions it.”
Since Cabrera doubled off Detroit’s Jeremy Bonderman on April 25, no opponent has managed to keep him off the bases for an entire game. However, the A’s devised a strategy to do just that. They put their plan into practice Thursday night whenever first base was unoccupied during a Cabrera at-bat. Oakland removed first base from the ground and hid it from Cabrera’s view, reasoning that he can’t reach base if he can’t find it.
The strategy seemed to work. Cabrera’s two hits came when first base was occupied, so the A’s could not remove it without the runner noticing. He was retired on the other three occasions. In the first inning, Angels manager Mike Scioscia screamed to the umpires that A’s first baseman Dan Johnson had stashed first base under his uniform. When questioned by the crew, the ridiculously bulging Johnson responded, “Noooo... I’m not hiding first base. I’m just… on steroids! Better test me after the game!”
The A’s gamesmanship was particularly brazen during Cabrera’s third inning at-bat. Oakland legend Rickey Henderson slid head-first into first base before pulling it out of the ground. Henderson held the base aloft while proclaiming, “I am the greatest base-stealer of all time!” Henderson then dashed off the field while announcing, “Rickey’s gonna take this bag to Cooperstown!” Amazingly, none of the umpires saw any of this.
The Angels had suspected that their division rivals might use devious tactics to halt Cabrera’s streak. The Halos kept a watchful eye on Oakland catcher Jason Kendall, who had charged the mound against Los Angeles pitcher John Lackey in an earlier matchup this season. A crafty old catcher himself, Scioscia warned Cabrera that Kendall might try to tie his shoes together while he stood in the batter’s box. With the Angels distracted by Kendall, the A’s apparently felt that they could easily pull off the shenanigans at first base.
Tonight the angry Angels will be particularly aware of the activities at first base. First base coach Alfredo Griffin will be on high alert, so the hidden base trick may not be available to the A’s. All-Star Oakland pitcher Barry Zito will have his hands full as he tries to stop Orlando Cabrera’s streak. Unlike the show on Fox, this version of “The O.C.” is not ready for a summer hiatus.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
11:19 AM
Labels: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, Major League Baseball, Oakland Athletics
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Anti-Americanism Rampant At European Sporting Events
July 4 is upon us, so today is a day to honor and cherish the United States of America. Baseball players and fans will do so in ballparks across the nation, finding extra meaning in today’s rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner. However, U.S. athletes do not enjoy the same freedoms when traveling across the Atlantic. This summer, European sporting events have been consistently hostile toward American athletes.
The latest example came on Monday, when Shenay Perry was routed 6-2, 6-0 in the fourth round of Wimbledon by Russia’s Elena Dementieva. With Perry’s elimination, no American male or female was still alive in singles play. Perry was philosophical about the defeat. She remarked, “It would have been great to make the quarterfinals, but seriously, even I’ve never heard of me!” Like the Founding Fathers more than two centuries ago, Perry sacrificed so that others may benefit. In her case, the defeat allowed fans to enjoy a Russian Hottie Fest between Dementieva and Maria Sharapova.
Saturday’s third round particularly showed how unwelcome the Americans were in England. Playing in the last Wimbledon of his great career, Andre Agassi fell in straight sets to Rafael Nadal. The second-seeded Spaniard, practically unbeatable on clay, rudely decided to play great tennis on grass. That same day, defending women’s champion Venus Williams and two-time men’s runner-up Andy Roddick were also eliminated. The Brits shed no tears for them. After Roddick won a point during his defeat to Andy Murray, the public address announcer informed the spectators, “Advantage Mr. Roddick.” Normally he would stop there, but the announcer continued, “But he’ll lose anyway. Mandy Moore was too good for that wanker.”
Last month’s French Open was just as unfriendly toward U.S. players. No Americans made the semifinals after Venus Williams fell in the quarters. James Blake, the last American man, was eliminated in the third round. The tournament has a history of hostility toward U.S. men, being the only Grand Slam singles title eluding Pete Sampras and Jimmy Connors. Many tired stereotypes exist about the French, particularly when it comes to being rude to American visitors. However, such an image came to life after Blake’s defeat, when a group of beret-wearing men stormed onto the court and attacked Blake with baguettes while praising Jerry Lewis.
Europe’s anti-U.S. antagonism was not confined to tennis, as shown by the World Cup held in Germany. Feeling confident with a #5 world ranking, the Americans were promptly dismissed after two losses and a draw. To their credit, the Italians did have a guilty conscience about the America-bashing, even putting a ball into their own goal to make the U.S. feel happy. However, the group stage ended with the USA heading home in humiliation. It is unclear why this squad received such hostile treatment in Germany. At no time during the tournament could this team be considered offensive.
The harsh treatment of American athletes in Europe undoubtedly stems from the continent’s disapproval of the Bush administration. European protests have been constant throughout the Iraq war. President Bush is often viewed as a bully, unilaterally pushing his own agenda while failing to join other nations in supporting measures such as the Kyoto Protocol. Just this week, the President infuriated Portugal by expressing his condemnation of Lisbon marriages.
The anti-Americanism is likely to continue at the Tour de France, which is no longer a sure bet to bring victory for the USA. For the first time since 1998, the Tour will crown a champion other than Lance Armstrong. The doping-related expulsions of co-favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso have seemingly enhanced the chances of Americans Floyd Landis, Levi Leipheimer, and George Hincapie. However, they are unlikely to overcome a controversial new rule. During the race’s concluding stage on July 23, all U.S. cyclists are required to ride tricycles into Paris.
Americans will hope for friendlier treatment that same day at the British Open. However, fans of Scottish golfer Colin Montgomerie have other ideas. Desperately wanting Monty to win his first major, his supporters have successfully lobbied for golfers from the United Kingdom to receive one mulligan per round. Monty’s backers are also rumored to have sent false e-mails to Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, indicating that the tournament has been moved to October.
Despite the harsh treatment they’ve endured in Europe, American athletes can appreciate the freedoms they enjoy at home. Today they can celebrate the Declaration of Independence, ratified 230 years ago in Philadelphia. Where antagonism toward athletes would never be acceptable.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
National League Fails To Qualify For All-Star Game
The National League has not won an All-Star Game since scoring a 6-0 victory in 1996. Only an infamous tie in 2002 has interrupted the American League’s domination since then. However, this year the NL has suffered its greatest embarrassment of all. Today commissioner Bud Selig announced that the National League has failed to qualify for this year’s midsummer classic.
The commissioner invoked the “best interests of the game” clause in making this decision. During interleague play, concluded on Sunday, the AL wound up with a 154-98 edge over the NL. Selig determined that any league winning fewer than 40% of interleague matchups does not belong in the summer’s showcase event. “Our fans deserve a competitive game,” noted the commissioner. “If we stick the National League in there this year, the NL will get flattened worse than Ray Fosse.”
Instead, the All-Star Game will primarily be an American League intra-squad matchup. Noting how the voters favored the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, one side will be comprised entirely of players from those clubs. That team will be known as the Yank Sox. Fan selections Ichiro Suzuki, Vladimir Guerrero, and Ivan Rodriguez will be shifted to the opposing club, with Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, and Jorge Posada taking their places in the Yank Sox lineup. A typical clutch hit by David Ortiz could bring wildly mixed emotions for Red Sox fans. They would cheer his heroics, then curse him as a traitor for driving in Derek Jeter.
The NL will not be completely absent at the All-Star Game. As a nod to the home city of Pittsburgh, fan choice Jason Bay of the Pirates will be allowed to play. By joining up with American League stalwarts, Bay will have a rare opportunity for a victory in PNC Park. His fellow Keystone Staters from Philadelphia will also have a role - one year after Bobby Abreu dominated the Home Run Derby. Hoping to see just as many blasts this year, the commissioner’s office has announced that this year’s Derby will be pitched by the Phillies’ starting rotation.
The “Monster 2006 All-Star Final Vote” has also been adjusted to accommodate the senior circuit. Fans can elect one New York Met to join the Boston/New York club. Options include NL fan choices Paul Lo Duca, David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran, plus pitcher Tom Glavine. Voters will also choose the final representative on the other side, from among fan choices Albert Pujols, Chase Utley, and Alfonso Soriano, plus pitchers Bronson Arroyo and Brandon Webb. Additionally, Selig announced that Houston Astros manager Phil Garner will still get to perform his duties as scheduled, since Ozzie Guillen will likely say something to merit a suspension in the next week.
Because the National League will not field a team, the All-Star Game will no longer decide the host of the World Series. The American League will retain that right this October, although the commissioner noted that home field will be irrelevant in the Fall Classic. “The only way the National League will win the World Series, “ commented Selig, “is if you’re talking about the one in Williamsport.”
The issue will be revisited before next season’s All-Star Game. The NL will surely rise again, just as the AL rebounded from dropping 11 consecutive midsummer classics between 1972 and 1982. The California Angels’ Fred Lynn hit the first grand slam in All-Star history to help the AL snap the streak in 1983. The National League will look for something similar if it returns to the All-Star Game in 2007. Taking no chances, the NL will have the 55-year-old Lynn batting cleanup.
Posted by
Jack Archey
at
9:45 PM
Labels: Major League Baseball