Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Bambino Cursed in 21st Century

After a seemingly endless chase, Barry Bonds hit his 715th home run on Sunday to pass Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time list. The 20th century was a glorious time for the Bambino, but things have not been so rosy for the Yankee legend since the new century began on January 1, 2001. Indeed, the 21st century has been very unkind to the ghost of Babe Ruth.


There was no hint of the Babe’s upcoming misfortune as the 20th century ended, as his impact still loomed over the game in numerous ways. In 1998, The Sporting News named Ruth as #1 on its list of baseball’s 100 all-time greatest players. His New York Yankees won the last three World Series of the century, and thanks to his curse, the Boston Red Sox were still 82 years removed from their last title. Even his birthplace was celebrated as Oriole Park at Camden Yards, built a block from his boyhood home, drew rave reviews after opening in 1992. Ruth’s ghost often watched the action at the new ballpark, and according to legend, he caused Brady Anderson’s monster 1996 season by wagering the ghost of Ty Cobb that “I can get any chump to hit 50 taters.” Ruth added, “Mmmm… taters.”


As the turn of the century neared, even those named Babe or Ruth experienced success. In 1993, Ruth Bader Ginsburg became the second woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court. The 1995 film Babe captured hearts and was a Best Picture Academy Award nominee. Fortunately for the title pig, his namesake slugger was not alive, or he might have celebrated by roasting the swine on a barbecue spit.


2001 brought a downturn in the Bambino’s fortunes. Bonds served notice that he would someday pass the Babe by smacking a record 73 home runs. Also, the Yankees fell short in their bid for a fourth straight title, dropping a classic World Series to the Arizona Diamondbacks. The Bronx Bombers have not won the Fall Classic since then, losing to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 edition. In the meantime, his old neighborhood has seen lousy baseball, with the Orioles finishing every season this century with a losing record. One would expect the Babe to distract himself with alcohol, but Camden Yards has a strict policy against selling beer to ghosts.


Most painful, of course, were the 2004 playoffs. The Red Sox finally broke the Curse of the Bambino, sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. Earlier, Boston had rallied from three games down to embarrass New York in the ALCS. Yankee Stadium, where the Red Sox won games 6 and 7, was once known as “The House That Ruth Built.” Now it is called “The House that Papi Owns.” Ruth’s resulting drop in the curse hierarchy was quite embarrassing. He could deal with getting passed by Hank Aaron in 1974. However, being surpassed by a billy goat was just humiliating.


Additionally, the names Babe and Ruth have taken a hit over the past few years. Mythical lumberjack Paul Bunyan recently announced that his blue ox has made a long overdue change in his name. Formerly known as Babe, he now goes by Hank. Also, Maxim had planned a “Babes Named Ruth” edition in honor of the slugger’s legendary skirt-chasing. However, the magazine scrapped the issue, as not enough hot girls named Ruth could be found.


As the Barry Bonds home run circus subsides, Babe Ruth must come to grips with the weakening of his aura. If the hardships continue, the Bambino will face the same consequence of all Yankees who struggle. George Steinbrenner will call him out in the media.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

How Athletes Relate To Enron

In this week’s top business story, former Enron heads Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of numerous counts of securities and wire fraud. The disgraced energy company’s most prominent connection to the sports world was the Houston Astros’ Enron Field, now known as Minute Maid Park. Athletes still relate to Enron in other ways, as shown by the following list.


Lance Armstrong: Cocky, cold-blooded Texan

BCS: Discloses complicated information no one really understands

Barry Bonds: Most high-profile offender from a scandal-ridden era

Eric Crouch: Never emerged again after bottom fell out in late 2001

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: “Little E” (like “The Crooked E”)

Ozzie Guillen: Brought heartbreak to the city of Houston

Rickey Henderson: Best of all-time at stealing

Sandy Koufax: Caused power shortages in California

Jim Larranaga: Ended things for Rashad Anderson (as Enron did for Arthur Andersen)

Ryan Leaf: Fell unbelievably far from blue-chip status

Warren Moon: Could not stop notorious Houston collapse (Oilers’ playoff loss to Bills)

Alex Rodriguez: Has impressive-looking numbers with no real substance

Steve Spurrier: Antagonizes the SEC

Isiah Thomas: Famous #11 – like Enron’s Chapter

Ben Wallace: A leader in energy


Sentencing for Lay and Skilling is scheduled for September 11. After that, their new home will be familiar territory for another famous athlete: Mike Tyson.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Spurs Win 2007 NBA Draft Lottery

The 2006 NBA draft lottery was conducted on Tuesday, with the Toronto Raptors emerging with the #1 overall pick. With no clear-cut choice for the top selection, it is unknown whom Toronto will choose - if they even decide to keep the pick. What is certain is that the Raptors will not be able to duplicate Orlando’s 1992 and 1993 feat of winning consecutive lotteries. The NBA made certain of that by announcing that the San Antonio Spurs have won the 2007 NBA draft lottery.


While the announcement stunned many observers, commissioner David Stern insisted that it was only a formality. Stern noted that San Antonio won the lottery in both 1987 and 1997, so it’s a foregone conclusion that the same scenario would unfold in 2007. Also, the Spurs know to win the lottery when a future Hall of Fame big man is the prize – David Robinson in 1987 and Tim Duncan in 1997. Next year’s projected top selection – incoming Ohio State freshman Greg Oden – is just as coveted by NBA franchises. On the other hand, 1989 was the Spurs’ only other lottery appearance. With Pervis Ellison winding up as the top pick, San Antonio did not bother winning on that occasion.


The decision brightened an otherwise gloomy week for the Spurs, who were eliminated in a classic seven-game series by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Some observers charge that Stern was attempting to upstage his frequent critic – Dallas owner Mark Cuban – with the timing of the announcement. Cuban has not been reached for comment, but officials from the Atlanta Hawks have already blistered the commissioner. Since no one cares about the Atlanta Hawks, reporters are waiting on Cuban’s press conference this afternoon in Dallas. The Mavericks owner will reportedly unload bags of money onto a table, representing payment for the fine he will get for his subsequent remarks.


Stern’s critics charge that you cannot place a team in the following year’s lottery - before the season has even been played. The commissioner responded that the NBA has done this for years with the Los Angeles Clippers. “You can’t have an NBA draft lottery without the Clippers, so we always reserve a spot for them in advance.” Told that the Clippers were not part of Tuesday’s lottery, Stern replied, “Dude, stop pulling my leg.” The reporter insisted that the Clippers had indeed made the playoffs and won a first round series. The commissioner answered in a patronizing voice, “Of course they did – in Crazyland.”


Before officially receiving the top selection, San Antonio still has the obligation of missing next year’s playoffs. That outcome may appear unlikely for a team that won 63 games in the regular season and captured three championships in the past seven years. However, two of the team’s stars have vowed to do their part. Guard Tony Parker will only be a part-time player, spending much of his time as girlfriend Eva Longoria’s new gardener on Desperate Housewives. Duncan plans to sit out the NBA season and play minor league baseball in the Chicago White Sox organization.


Since the lottery was instituted in 1985, Robinson and Duncan are the only #1 overall selections to win an NBA title with the team that drafted them. The Spurs expect Oden to follow suit. The resulting victory parades will bring jubilation to the franchise. And so will the 2017 draft lottery.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Why The Pistons Beat The Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers shocked most basketball fans by taking a 3-2 lead in their second-round series with the Detroit Pistons. The top-seeded Pistons eventually restored order, winning a tight game 6 and steamrolling the Cavaliers by a 79-61 score in game 7. LeBron James will eventually bring the Larry O’Brien Trophy to the title-starved city of Cleveland, but that moment of glory will have to wait. The following reasons show why the Pistons advanced to the eastern conference finals against Miami.


Matt Millen has nothing to do with the Pistons. Or any other Detroit team that’s doing well.

Edmonton does not have an NBA franchise. The Pistons sought to avenge the city’s honor after the Oilers eliminated the Red Wings from the NHL playoffs. With no opponent from Edmonton available, Cleveland had to feel the wrath.

The ABC Sitcom Factor. Taking place in Cleveland, The Drew Carey Show was a hit series. However, Home Improvement, set in the Detroit area, was even more popular. Emulating Tim Allen, Pistons head coach Flip Saunders receives coaching advice from a partially unseen neighbor.

Detroit has a Big Ben. In February, the team with the Big Ben (Roethlisberger) won a postseason showdown in Detroit. Today Ben Wallace and the Pistons followed suit, thankful that the Cavaliers did not have a Bus.

They weren’t playing Scrabble. Even before considering bonuses such as Double Word Scores, Zydrunas Ilgauskas would be worth 35 points in Scrabble. In basketball on Sunday, he only provided eight points for Cleveland.

Michigan needed to pay back Ohio. This was the biggest sports matchup between the states since November’s Ohio State-Michigan game, won 25-21 by the Buckeyes. To be on the safe side, arena security kept OSU quarterback Troy Smith out of the arena.

Equaling a Yankee slugger is not so impressive on the court. Saturday, Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth with his 714th career home run. Sunday, the Cavaliers matched Roger Maris by tallying 61. Sadly, there will be no asterisk for Cleveland.

The music scene. Yes, Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But the Hall would not exist without Motown. The Four Tops symbolize the Pistons’ quest for a fourth championship.

The Anti-NC State conspiracy. Pistons assistant Sidney Lowe has been hired as the new head coach for North Carolina State. However, he will not be working full-time for the Wolfpack until Detroit is eliminated. Suspiciously, UNC alumnus Rasheed Wallace helped to delay Lowe’s move to Raleigh.

City nicknames. Cleveland is “The Forest City,” so it’s not as ready to run the court as The Motor City.

The loss prevented World Series nightmares in Cleveland. If the Cavaliers had won, they would have played the Miami Heat in the conference finals. A Cleveland-Miami postseason matchup would evoke memories of the 1997 World Series, when the Indians blew a 9th inning game 7 lead against the Marlins. Dwyane Wade would have been joined in the backcourt by Edgar Renteria.

Final Four Most Outstanding Players. The Pistons have two – Richard Hamilton and Tony Delk. Just imagine what they could have done with Anderson Hunt.

The Pistons’ win sets up an Out of Sight series. Steven Soderbergh’s Out of Sight took place in both Miami and Detroit. At halftime of Game 1, fans will be treated to George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez, getting it on at halfcourt.

The royalty issue. LeBron is called “King James,” but that’s just a nickname. On the other hand, Prince is Tayshaun’s real surname. And he plays in a Palace, so he’s clearly part of a royal family.

John Elway. I know, he had nothing to do with this series. But Cleveland sports fans are used to blaming him for postseason misery.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Will Clark & Mark Grace To Conclude Long-Running Sitcom

Two years after Friends and Frasier left its schedule, NBC must say goodbye to another longtime sitcom. Just like Jennifer Aniston and Kelsey Grammer in 2004, Will Clark and Mark Grace must now face the next chapter in their lives. Thursday evening, the former baseball stars wave goodbye to their viewers in the finale of Will & Grace.


Many observers were skeptical when the show went on the air in September 1998. Smashing a ball out of Wrigley Field is one thing, but hitting a home run in the Nielsen ratings is an entirely different matter. However, NBC executives, remembering Keith Hernandez’s guest appearances on Seinfeld, realized that first basemen were a great source of comedy. Indeed, CBS had hit the jackpot a decade earlier by basing a series on Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Murphy Brown.


The first sign that Will and Grace would excel in the spotlight together came in the 1989 National League Championship Series. Grace hit .647 and drove in eight runs for the Chicago Cubs. However, Will earned the series MVP award, batting .650 with two home runs as the San Francisco Giants triumphed, four games to one. Will set the tone with a Game 1 grand slam off of Chicago pitcher Greg Maddux, who was never heard from again.


Grace won four Gold Gloves and Will earned one, so both players displayed range on the diamond. However, their range on the soundstage was far greater. In real life, Will was a cocky native of the Deep South, but he was always convincing on the screen as a gay New York attorney. Even more impressive was Grace in portraying a neurotic Jewish woman. No one would have guessed how attractive he would look in a red wig.


As strong as Will and Grace were, they benefited greatly from the contributions of the other main performers – Jack and Karen. Jack was a flamboyant actor who often obsessed over his one-man show. Although his persona was more typical of figure skaters, Jack was partially modeled after Will’s former teammate Barry Bonds. Barry’s teammates have often commented that he thought he was in a one-man show. Karen was Grace’s sharp-tongued secretary, notable for her excessive drinking. She picked up this habit over the years while watching Grace’s Cubs.


Will & Grace was considered groundbreaking by many viewers in portraying homosexual characters on mainstream television. Many skeptics felt that such topics would be off-limits in relation to the high-testosterone world of professional athletes. Star catcher Mike Piazza even called a press conference to deny that he had seen any episodes of Will & Grace. Ultimately, the show achieved what many thought was not possible. A sport featuring locker room bonding and crotch grabbing managed to co-exist with the gay culture.


Most impressively, the show began when Will and Grace were both active players. Certainly Bo Jackson’s NFL career was a notable pursuit outside of major league baseball. However, Bo did not have to display impeccable comic timing in front of a live studio audience amid producers’ re-writes. Grace had particular demands on his time in 2001, when the Arizona Diamondbacks’ World Series title extended his season into November. Ultimately, however, Randy Johnson’s heroics paid huge dividends. Grace won a ring, and viewers got to enjoy countless Big Unit jokes.


One criticism of Will & Grace is that it was overly reliant on big-name guest stars. The executive producers countered that the show was set in New York, so this activity was standard practice. Still, sitcom purists felt that the constant grab for superstars had an adverse effect on the chemistry of the cast. They cited the casting of Alex Rodriguez on one episode as overkill, when Scott Brosius would have been perfect for the role.


Nevertheless, the series enjoyed a very successful eight-season run. Ratings were strong, and Emmy wins were frequent. Unlike Will and Grace, no current major leaguers appear ready to headline their own sitcoms. Unless, perhaps, a network decides to make Papi Knows Best.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Howard To Visit Emergency Room Before Each Phillies Game

Sunday afternoon, the Philadelphia Phillies completed a three-game sweep of the Cincinnati Reds with a 2-1 victory in 12 innings. First baseman Ryan Howard was the hero, despite a stomach virus that had sent him to the emergency room and kept him out of the starting lineup. Howard slammed a pinch-hit home run in the eighth inning and won the game in the 12th by going deep again. Based on this success, Howard plans to continue visiting the emergency room before Phillies games.


Howard apparently contracted food poisoning from something he ate in Cincinnati. The stomach virus sent him to the emergency room, from which he returned to the hotel around 3:45 a.m. With Babe Ruth in the news these days, Howard provided an appropriate tribute: a left-handed slugger, on little sleep and almost too sick to stand, taking two pitches out of the park. The only difference is that after the game, Howard left the ballpark with his teammates, not a couple of hookers.


Ballplayers are known for their superstitions, so Howard will continue to get sick as long as Philadelphia keeps winning. Sunday’s victory was the Phillies’ 13th in their last 14 contests, drawing them to within one game of the first-place New York Mets. The club is off tonight before beginning a three-game series with the Brewers on Tuesday. Howard made sure to prepare as he reached the hotel. He learned the location of the most convenient hospital, as well as the best place in Milwaukee to eat spoiled bratwurst.


Howard’s sacrifice appears to be a trend on his team, as the Phillies have discovered that self-abuse can lead to victory. Last Thursday, centerfielder Aaron Rowand made a catch for the ages, snaring a fly ball at top speed before slamming his face into the wall. The crash left his face battered and bloody like Philly’s ultimate sports hero – Rocky Balboa. As Rowand lay on the ground, observers swear they saw the ghost of Burgess Meredith screaming for him to get up. Rowand had to go on the 15-day DL, but his all-out effort saved three runs in a 2-0 triumph over the Mets. Howard has followed his lead, putting the team ahead of his own well-being. Other Phillies may soon follow suit, emulating the albino monk from The Da Vinci Code and whipping themselves in the clubhouse.


Some baseball fans claim that this voluntary sickness is an extreme and unnecessary step for such a talented player. These observers note that Howard was the National League Rookie of the Year last season and is one of the game’s most promising young sluggers. However, he has often struggled against left-handed pitchers when he has not been ill. Sunday’s blasts were against Brandon Claussen and Chris Hammond – both southpaws. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel remarked, “If he’s healthy, he pops out to the second baseman.”


Howard is surely drawing inspiration from the legendary Michael Jordan. In the 1997 NBA finals, the Utah Jazz won games 3 and 4 to tie the series at two games apiece. Always looking for an extra edge, His Airness decided to contract a stomach virus in preparation for game 5 in Salt Lake City. Barely able to stand at times, Jordan scored 38 points in a 90-88 victory. The Bulls went on to win game 6 in Chicago and repeat as champions. One would think that Karl Malone and John Stockton would have learned their lesson for the following season’s rematch. However, both Jazz superstars refused to become ill, making another defeat inevitable.


After a disappointing April, the Phillies may succeed in winning over their demanding fans. The passionate locals love a guy like Howard, who is playing the way they like it: with fire in the belly.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Summer Movie Guide For Sports Fans

Although summer does not officially arrive until June 21, the summer movie season is already under way. Many of the most prominent titles are particularly relevant to the sports world. The following guide, in order of release date, should get fans up to speed.


Mission: Impossible III: Before kickoff, what reporters called Super Bowl III for the New York Jets

Poseidon: A sinking results in a big budget disaster: The New York Knicks’ season

The Da Vinci Code: Elaborate conspiracy theories are revealed in Paris: The locals are asked about Lance Armstrong

Over the Hedge: Georgia football players’ version of the Lambeau Leap – vaulting over the Sanford Stadium hedges

X-Men: The Last Stand: Up by one point, Xavier’s defense on the final possession preserves a huge basketball victory

The Break-up: Lakers fans recall the separation of Shaq and Kobe

Cars: The key to a successful SEC football recruiting class

Click: What Terrell Owens has never done with his quarterbacks

Superman Returns: Roger Clemens rejoins the Houston Astros

The Devil Wears Prada: New Jersey goaltender Martin Brodeur displays his fashion sense

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: Pittsburgh catcher Ronny Paulino, a Dominican Republic native, gets flattened on a play at the plate

Lady in the Water: A profile of Olympic gold medal swimmer Amanda Beard

Miami Vice: The marijuana habit of Dolphins running back Ricky Williams

Talladega Nights: An athlete travels at great speeds and crashes into walls: Phillies centerfielder Aaron Rowand

Snakes On a Plane: Jake Plummer takes pilot lessons from Kenny Stabler

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Jed Bartlet To Replace Tagliabue As NFL Commissioner

This Sunday evening on NBC, Josiah “Jed” Bartlet will finish his service as President of the United States. Political observers have speculated about Bartlet’s next move after he exits The West Wing. That question has now been answered. NFL owners have selected President Bartlet to replace the retiring Paul Tagliabue as the league’s commissioner.


Bartlet will take over upon his predecessor’s exit in July. The President will assume the commissioner’s position under very similar circumstances as Tagliabue did in 1989. At that time, it was Tagliabue who replaced a long-time, respected leader (Pete Rozelle). Tagliabue also spent time as a powerful Washington figure – 24 years as an attorney - before taking the job in the NFL’s New York office. Unlike Bartlet, however, Tagliabue was not replaced by Jimmy Smits, who was then practicing law in L.A.


Bartlet’s selection is not surprising, given that the owners are primarily interested in the bottom line. The outgoing President certainly understands economics, having won a Nobel Prize in that area before entering politics. Bartlet’s honor was the reverse of Jimmy Carter, who became a Nobel laureate after his presidency. Like Carter, President Bartlet will strive to maintain peace – in this case, between owners and players.


An NFL insider expects a smooth transition from Tagliabue to Bartlet. The NFL dwarfs the popularity of other sports leagues, so significant changes are unlikely. Out of habit from the past eight years, President Bartlet does plan to deliver a State of the NFL Address every January. However, his comments will mostly focus on “how much we rock,” concluding the address with “Take that, Bud Selig and David Stern!” Hail To The Chief will not be played for Bartlet, as 31 owners would object to any apparent favoritism toward Kansas City. In terms of day-to-day activity within the league office, The NFL source expects the most significant change to be “more staffers walking briskly through the hallways while delivering witty repartee.”


As a Notre Dame alumnus, President Bartlet’s dream sports job would have been to coach the Fighting Irish football team. However, Charlie Weis is firmly entrenched in that position. Observers do expect Bartlet to bring a touch of the Golden Dome to the league office by appointing Regis Philbin as deputy commissioner. Players facing league discipline will get to plead their cases on the couch with Regis and Kelly Ripa.


Some observers feel that President Bartlet’s health issues could present a major concern. However, if anything, those vulnerabilities will only endear him to NFL fans. Bartlet has been battling multiple sclerosis throughout his presidency. He also survived a bullet wound during his first year in office. These obstacles have not kept him from performing his duties. To football fans, nothing is more admirable than a guy who plays through pain.


Bartlet does have one objective that Tagliabue was unable to fulfill: returning professional football to Los Angeles. The City of Angels has been without an NFL franchise since the Rams and Raiders skipped town after the 1994 season. Bartlet should be successful in placing a team in the nation’s #2 media market. He has consistently demonstrated his commitment to the Los Angeles area, spending most of his presidency on a soundstage in Burbank.


Yes, Jed Bartlet’s time in the Oval Office is about to end. However, the NFL’s new television contract ensures that one thing will not change: Sunday nights, he’ll still have a presence on NBC.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Barbaro & Barbosa: A Comparison

On Saturday, Barbaro remained undefeated to win the Kentucky Derby by 6 ½ lengths. Later, Leandro Barbosa scored a game-high 26 points as the Phoenix Suns routed the Los Angeles Lakers 121-90 in a decisive game 7. Barbaro and Barbosa share more than similar names, as the following comparison demonstrates.


Barbaro: Won a race that was over in two minutes
Barbosa: Won a game 7 that was over in two minutes

Barbaro: Inspired fans to drink mint juleps
Barbosa: Drove Lakers fans to drink heavily

Barbaro: Wants to win the Triple Crown
Barbosa: Survived thanks to Tim Thomas’s triple

Barbaro: Spends lots of time in the stables
Barbosa: Spending lots of time at Staples

Barbaro: Overcame stumble at the opening bell
Barbosa: Overcame suspension of Raja Bell

Barbaro: Triumphed after five weeks off
Barbosa: Triumphed to give Kobe five months off

Barbaro: A very athletic animal
Barbosa: Watches a very athletic animal – the Phoenix Gorilla

Barbaro: Same species as Mr. Ed
Barbosa: Same team as Mr. Eddie House

Barbaro: Became a shining star at Churchill Downs
Barbosa: Frustrated the star of The Shining

Barbaro: Runs like Smarty Jones
Barbosa: Runs with James Jones, who’s smart

Barbaro: Experienced victory in “The Run For the Roses”
Barbosa: Gets interviewed after victories by Jalen Rose

Barbaro: Will someday race in the Breeders Cup
Barbosa: Plays in a league of prolific breeders

Barbaro: Led by a small man riding him
Barbosa: Led by a small man who won MVP

Barbaro: A colt who came through in the clutch
Barbosa: Came through in the clutch, unlike the Colts

Barbaro: Excelled after playing of My Old Kentucky Home
Barbosa: Excelled and sent Phil Jackson home


Indeed, Saturday was a fantastic day for both Barbaro and Barbosa. If Vinnie Barbarino from Welcome Back, Kotter had been in action, he would have dominated, too.

Friday, May 05, 2006

NHL Denies San Jose, Anaheim Requests To Relinquish Home Ice Advantage

Tonight begins the conference semifinal round in the NHL playoffs. Coming off a grueling 7-game series with Calgary, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks will take on the Colorado Avalanche. However, Anaheim and the San Jose Sharks have already been dealt a major defeat by the league office. The NHL has denied both teams’ requests to relinquish their home ice advantage.


The Ducks and Sharks filed their requests based on the results of the first round of playoffs. All western conference teams with home ice advantage lost in the opening round. Even the Detroit Red Wings, after the league’s best regular season, were sent packing by the Edmonton Oilers. Detroit sports fans are absolutely stunned. Not that the Wings were eliminated, but that the Tigers are suddenly good.


The scene is far different back east, where the top four seeds all advanced into the second round. Therefore, the road ice advantage may carry a western team to the finals, but it likely won’t bring the Stanley Cup. However, the Sharks and Ducks are already dreaming of Ottawa and New Jersey – anything to distract them from the unpleasantness of opening a series at home.


Anaheim and San Jose felt that by being the higher seeds, they should have the option of whether to accept the home ice advantage or not. Anaheim began every series on the road in 2003, yet it advanced to the Stanley Cup finals. As the sixth seed, the Mighty Ducks assumed that they would do the same this season, but the Avalanche and Oilers were one step ahead of them. The Sharks planned to take things even further, hoping to play their “home” games in Boston. However, commissioner Gary Bettman has ruled that both western series will open as scheduled in California.


With the appeal denied, Anaheim must try to stop a hot Colorado team tonight at the Arrowhead Pond. Unlike the Mighty Ducks, the Avalanche will be rested after eliminating the Dallas Stars in five games. Therefore, Anaheim is particularly vulnerable if the action goes to overtime. What remains to be seen is how both teams would respond to tonight’s overtime wrinkle, if it arises. According to an NHL rule honoring Cinco de Mayo, any game tied after regulation on May 5 will be decided by a margarita-chugging contest.


The Sharks are in a similar position, contending with an Edmonton team that knows it can take down anyone. San Jose does have the NHL points leader in Joe Thornton and the league’s top goal scorer in Jonathan Cheechoo (Gesundheit!). However, fans fear that having home ice will cause their team to perform like another Shark in the clutch. San Jose could turn into Greg Norman, shanking their shots while the Oilers morph into Nick Faldo.


In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy uttered the famous line, “There’s no place like home.” This ignorance about hockey is why Kansas does not have an NHL franchise.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

NC State Offers Basketball Coach Position To Gene Hackman

A month after Herb Sendek departed for Arizona State, North Carolina State is still looking to replace him as the school’s men’s basketball coach. The program has been the frequent butt of jokes during its seemingly futile search for Sendek’s successor. However, athletic director Lee Fowler hopes he has finally found his man. Fowler has offered the position to Academy Award-winning actor Gene Hackman.


The Wolfpack AD cited Hackman’s stellar portrayal of coach Norman Dale in Hoosiers, one of the most beloved sports films of all-time. As Dale, Hackman defied the odds in leading the underdog Hickory High to the Indiana state basketball championship. Athletic department officials feel that he can provide similar inspiration as the leader of the Pack. Reportedly, Nick Nolte was eliminated from consideration due to his rampant recruiting violations in Blue Chips.


“We realize Gene played a fictional coach,” noted Fowler. “But we’ve tried and tried to get a real-life coach, and that just hasn’t worked.” Indeed, Rick Barnes, John Calipari, John Beilein, and Steve Lavin all have rebuffed the Wolfpack. Fowler even contacted Phil Ford – an all-time great player for the hated UNC Tar Heels - apparently in response to a drunken dare. Fordham coach and NC State alum Dereck Whittenburg has also been mentioned as a possible candidate. However, athletic department officials did not believe that Whittenburg could be successful without Lorenzo Charles around to clean up his mistakes.


Wolfpack fans’ gripe with Sendek was that he was usually good, but never great. While he finished his decade-long tenure in Raleigh with five consecutive NCAA tournament appearances, he reached just one Sweet 16 and no Elite Eights. For supporters of a program that won national championships in 1974 and 1983, their expectations are higher. In Hackman, they would have someone who has also won the ultimate prize on two occasions – collecting Academy Awards for The French Connection and Unforgiven. NC State fans are starved for such a level of excellence and could ignore the fact that Hackman’s last film was Welcome To Mooseport.


Most importantly for Wolfpack devotees, they need someone who can take on the neighborhood big boys. NCSU has not reached the Final Four since the storied 1983 national title run. Since then, North Carolina and Duke have combined for 17 Final Four appearances and five national championships. Sendek fared miserably against the local powerhouses. However, Hackman has experience in battling superpowers, portraying Lex Luthor in the Superman movies. Although Superman still reigned supreme, he suffered numerous setbacks to Luthor along the way and regarded him as a formidable opponent. Hackman would enjoy an even stronger position off-screen in the event of an NC State victory over the Tar Heels or Blue Devils. Unlike Superman, Roy Williams or Mike Krzyzewski could not circle the earth at superhuman speed to turn back time and reverse an undesirable outcome. Such activity is in violation of NCAA rules.


Hackman’s performance surrounding the championship game in Hoosiers was particularly endearing to NCSU insiders. Hickory faced a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the finals and won by two points. Jim Valvano’s 1983 squad accomplished the same feat against Houston’s Phi Slamma Jamma powerhouse. Equally important was a subtle reference to academics. As Norman Dale, Hackman used a tape measure to relax his nervous players, showing that the court in their home gym contained the same dimensions as the much larger field house that hosted the title game. His skill with the tape measure demonstrated that he understands NCSU’s pride in its engineering program.


It remains to be seen whether Hackman will accept the offer. The actor could not be reached for comment. Some observers feel that Hackman is too old at age 76, but he was apparently inspired by Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden – both born before he was – coaching in January’s Orange Bowl. Hackman told Larry King during a 2004 interview that he believes his acting career is finished, so availability does not seem to be an issue. Wolfpack officials have indicated that they would allow Hackman to periodically leave practice to record voice-overs for Lowe’s and Oppenheimer Funds. On those occasions, practices would likely be run by assistant coach Dennis Hopper.


Whether Hackman takes the job or not, Wolfpack fans are eager to see a new man in charge. Herb Sendek took the Princeton offense out to the desert. Perhaps the picket fence will come to Raleigh.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

The ACC's Dirty Dozen

Saturday afternoon, the Atlantic Coast Conference made history by having 12 of its players among the 32 first round selections in the NFL draft. Interestingly, none of the 12 were from Virginia Tech, the league’s only top 10 team last season. However, four ACC players shook hands with commissioner Paul Tagliabue before Matt Leinart or anyone from the SEC did so. While Ohio State claimed top honors for one program with five first rounders, the ACC averaged one first round pick for each of its members. Below are some notes on the chosen 12.


1. Houston Texans: Mario Williams, DE, North Carolina State. Williams has been billed by many as the next version of Julius Peppers. Texans fans preferred this version of Vince Young. Nationally, Williams is known as “Not Reggie Bush.”

4. New York Jets: D’Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia. His name was based on that of the priest played by Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds. So while Charlie Ward greatly impacted ACC football, so did Rachel Ward.

6. San Francisco 49ers: Vernon Davis, TE, Maryland. Fellow tight end Kellen Winslow was also the sixth overall selection two years ago. 49ers officials will zap Davis with a stun gun if he gets within 30 yards of a motorcycle.

9. Detroit Lions: Ernie Sims, OLB, Florida State. Afterward, Lions president Matt Millen sheepishly admitted that he thought Sims played wide receiver.

13. Cleveland Browns: Kamerion Wimbley, DE, Florida State. Coach Romeo Crennel’s defense will continue to improve. However, the offense couldn’t score on Paris Hilton.

14. Philadelphia Eagles: Brodrick Bunkley, DT, Florida State. Three of the top 14 picks were Seminoles, but FSU was only 8-5 last season. Fortunately, Bunkley’s new teammates don’t want to hear anything about 2005.

15. St. Louis Rams: Tye Hill, CB, Clemson. Hill won the ACC championship in the 60 meter (indoor) and 100 meter (outdoors) sprints. Unfortunately for the Rams, he only runs fast in metric.

19. San Diego Chargers: Antonio Cromartie, CB, Florida State. Due to a knee injury, Cromartie didn’t even play last year. However, San Diego got caught up in the FSU trend and had to have a Seminole of their own.

22. San Francisco 49ers: Manny Lawson, OLB, North Carolina State. Still hoping to keep Lawson on campus, NCSU athletic director Lee Fowler has offered him the basketball coaching job.

26. Buffalo Bills: John McCargo, DT, North Carolina State. For those keeping score on the first round: NC State 3, Texas & USC 2 apiece.

31. Seattle Seahawks: Kelly Jennings, CB, Miami. The Seahawks wanted to take someone else, but it’s now a league rule that a Cane must be chosen in the first round.

32. New York Giants: Mathias Kiwanuka, DE, Boston College. Mathias is proud to be the grandson of the late Benedicto Kiwanuka, a Ugandan prime minister and human rights advocate who hated to see people suffer. Except for quarterbacks.


Surely ACC commissioner John Swofford is swelling with pride over his league’s representation. In contrast, no ACC men’s basketball team advanced to the Elite Eight last month. Reportedly, Swofford shrugged off that disappointment, noting, “What do you expect? We’re a football conference!”

Friday, April 28, 2006

Sports Before and After

Faithful readers will be interested to know that I shot an amusing T-Mobile commercial this week. I’m one of two dads who are research subjects in a science lab, watching our daughters chatter endlessly in isolation booths. As the “T-Mobile Dad,” I stay calm and cheerful throughout the process, while the “Competition Dad” goes bonkers as his daughter exceeds their allotted minutes. Look for the spot in a few weeks!


Today’s entry relates to another one of my on-camera experiences: Jeopardy! An entertaining category that appears on the show from time to time is “Before and After.” For each clue, the answer combines two different subjects, with the end of the first being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the Florida basketball coach who quarterbacks the Philadelphia Eagles, you would answer “Billy Donovan McNabb.” Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck at the latest installment of “Sports Before and After.” Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question.


1. Pet Benatar’s 1983 hit about the 1997 PGA Championship winner

2. Classic 1950s sitcom about Penn State’s home field

3. Steven Spielberg film in which soldiers try to find a San Diego quarterback bust

4. Herman Melville classic about a screaming college basketball announcer

5. Beloved Christmas tune about a legendary 1960 gold medal sprinter

6. Denver Nuggets star who acted in Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club

7. Annual presidential speech about the Buckeyes

8. Asia’s smash hit about Dwyane Wade’s team

9. Classic 1968 zombie movie about a fiery Texas Tech coach

10. Fast food franchise used to defend a basketball opponent with a dominant scorer

11. Annual Williamsport sporting event focused on a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox

12. Foul shot that’s a comedy starring Billy Crystal and Danny Devito

13. Vanilla Ice’s hit song about the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team’s upset of the Soviets

14. Fighting Irish actress who won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love

15. Van Morrison ditty about a loved one who resembles a legendary Cleveland running back

16. Mel Brooks comedy about a star Texas quarterback

17. 1971 AL Cy Young and MVP winner who’s a popular Las Vegas act

18. Roald Dahl children’s book about a Cleveland Cavaliers superstar

19. Wayans Brothers comedy in which the 2003 Heisman Trophy winner goes undercover

20. Tony Toni Tone’s hit song about the Arizona basketball coach

21. Legendary Alabama coach who said, “Only you can prevent forest fires”

22. Cedric the Entertainer movie about a star Bengals receiver

23. James Joyce novel about the Demon Deacons’ school

24. NBC series in which Jill Hennessy stars as a UCLA point guard

25. Animated Disney classic about a Gold Glove first baseman and his short companions


Answers:


1. Davis Love Is a Battlefield

2. Leave It To Beaver Stadium

3. Saving Private Ryan Leaf

4. Moby Dick Vitale

5. Wilma Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer

6. Carmelo Anthony Michael Hall

7. Ohio State of the Union Address

8. Miami Heat of the Moment

9. Bobby Knight of the Living Dead

10. Jack in the Box and One

11. Stuart Little League World Series

12. Free Throw Momma From the Train

13. Miracle on Ice Ice Baby

14. Notre Dame Judi Dench

15. Jim Brown-Eyed Girl

16. Vince Young Frankenstein

17. Vida Blue Man Group

18. LeBron James and the Giant Peach

19. Jason White Chicks

20. If I Had No Lute Olson

21. Smokey the Bear Bryant

22. Chad Johnson Family Vacation

23. Finnegans Wake Forest

24. Crossing Jordan Farmar

25. J.T. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

NBA Pre-empts Weekend Playoff Games To Show Its Players Watching NFL Draft

The National Football League has long been entrenched as the 800-pound gorilla on the American sports landscape. 4 ½ months before the 2006 season kicks off, this pre-eminence is readily apparent this week. Surveys have shown that sports fans are far more interested in this weekend’s NFL draft than in the baseball regular season and NBA and NHL playoffs. Always aware of the marketplace, NBA commissioner David Stern does not want to be left behind. Therefore, afternoon NBA playoff games will not be played as scheduled this Saturday and Sunday. Instead, TNT and ABC will televise players from the involved NBA teams as they watch the NFL draft.


Stern explained why the move was a no-brainer. “In the first round of the NFL draft, every fifteen minutes something actually happens. And in between, a bunch of guys who will probably be proven dead wrong in a couple years get to talk incessantly about the process, as they’ve been doing on SportsCenter for months. Shaquille O’Neal throwing down a Dwyane Wade alley-oop pass just can’t match that excitement.” Instead, Wade and O’Neal will be shown debating whether Matt Leinart should be chosen before Vince Young.


For the affected afternoon games, the winners will be decided based on their draft prognostication skills. The Phoenix Suns-Los Angeles Lakers matchup on Sunday will be particularly interesting. Ballots for NBA MVP have already been submitted, but the forecasting battle between Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant could serve as a referendum on who should collect the award. Nash has a reputation for making his teammates better at analyzing the draft, but Kobe is eager to disprove the charges that he is selfish in predicting the selections.


Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is highly critical of the commissioner’s decision. Cuban pointed out that the two best players in the Mavericks-Grizzlies series – Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol – both hail from Europe, where “football” refers to the upcoming World Cup. Therefore, he feels that forcing the players to analyze the NFL draft on Saturday is unfair. Stern responded, “Yes, Dirk and Pau are great basketball players. But they need to be more like Mel Kiper, Jr.”


The Chicago Bulls, already down 2-0 in their series with Miami, could be swept if their picks are off base on Sunday. The Bulls’ inexperience is a potentially huge obstacle, so they have enlisted the aid of a long-time NFL draft observer. This advisor has imparted the following tips to the Baby Bulls as ABC asks them for their thoughts on NFL prospects: “When in doubt, say the word ‘upside’ as much as possible. And if they ask a follow-up question, proclaim, ‘This guy can really make plays.’” As a result, Chicago should be able to survive.


The Indiana Pacers and New Jersey Nets will be at Radio City Music Hall in person for the festivities. With the commissioner’s edict changing plans for Saturday’s scheduled game 4 in Indianapolis, the teams will head east early before game 5 in East Rutherford. The players will be happy about the extra time away from the court, since having days off between first round NBA playoff games is extremely rare. The additional break will also cut down on injuries. That is, as long as the Nets and Pacers sit far away from ESPN commentator Michael Irvin, whose screaming analysis could cause permanent deafness.


The night-time NBA matchups will be played as scheduled. However, ESPN and TNT reserve the right to interrupt coverage of those games to show highlights of basketball players’ reactions to the selections. Also, NBA sideline reporters will solicit draft insight from coaches as they leave the court at halftime. For example, during the Pistons-Bucks contest Saturday night, Detroit coach Flip Saunders will discuss the latest wide receiver to be chosen in the first round by the Lions. The reporter may go slightly off-topic with Milwaukee coach Terry Stotts, seeking his thoughts on whether Brett Favre will retire.


Due to Stern’s decision, NBA coaches have an even bigger workload than their typical playoff grind. Not only will they break down game film on their opponents, but now they must do so for all the top football prospects. In the NBA postseason, the Atlanta Hawks are no longer a concern. But A.J. Hawk certainly is.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

National League Pitchers Lobby For "Pujols On Pujols" Series

On Friday night, St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols belted his 11th home run of the year in a 9-3 victory over the Chicago Cubs. Coming off an MVP season, Pujols has been on fire in the early stages of 2006. Any attempts by the opposition to cool him off have been futile. However, National League pitchers are desperately hoping that one thing can slow down Pujols: his own reality show.


ESPN is currently running Bonds On Bonds, a 10-part reality series focused on controversial San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds. Each year from his record-setting 2001 campaign through 2004, Bonds was the National League MVP. Barry was like Biff from Back To the Future, striking fear in all the George McFlys on the mound. After an injury-shortened 2005, Bonds looked to resume his bullying on the diamond this April. However, Bonds On Bonds may represent the same turning point for pitchers that the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance was for George. Through his first 13 games of the season, Bonds is batting just .200, with no home runs and 1 RBI.


Finding a similar show for Pujols may be the only hope for National League pitchers. Albert leads the majors with his 11 round-trippers, and he is hitting .358 with 24 RBIs. The numbers are gaudy even by his own standards set since 2001, his National League Rookie of the Year campaign. Since then he has charted a path to Cooperstown, becoming the first major leaguer since Ted Williams to drive in at least 100 runs in each of his first five seasons. Unfortunately for pitchers, they cannot have Pujols frozen like the Red Sox legend. They may try to brush him off the plate, but freezing players like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back is blatantly against the unwritten rules of the game.


Unfortunately for opposing pitchers, ESPN may not be interested in Pujols On Pujols. Bonds was considered a fascinating subject not only for his stellar play, but also for the steroid cloud surrounding him and his contentious relationship with the media. Pujols does not seem to have such an air of controversy around him. However, Houston Astros closer Brad Lidge disagrees. “Everyone in St. Louis knows that Albert is a notorious jaywalker,” charged Lidge. “ESPN should follow him and expose these heinous misdeeds.” As punishment, Lidge urged commissioner Bud Selig to suspend Pujols from the ninth inning of all future games.


Ultimately, pitchers would love an image of Pujols that viewers saw on the first episode of Bonds On Bonds: a superstar slugger in tears. Bonds got emotional while telling reporters, “You can’t hurt me any more than you’ve hurt me already.” As of now, Pujols could only say part of that sentence to pitchers: “You can’t hurt me.” So far, the opposing hurlers have been the ones bawling, contradicting the claim of Tom Hanks that there’s no crying in baseball. St. Louis sports reporters already know that weeping takes place in the sports world, since Dick Vermeil coached in their city.


While Pujols continues to dazzle the National League, pitchers will hold out hope that a reality show can help their cause. Until that happens, tomorrow may represent the best chance to slow down the Cardinals superstar. The resurgent Greg Maddux, leading the National League in ERA, will take the mound for the Cubs. Albert’s hometown of Santo Domingo is Spanish for “Holy Sunday.” As Pujols steps to the plate on this Sunday, Maddux will surely be praying.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Detroit Hopes To Overcome NBA, NHL Collusion In Dual Title Quest

The NBA concluded its regular season on Wednesday – one night after the NHL had done likewise. The Motor City reigned supreme in both leagues, with the Red Wings capturing the Presidents’ Trophy and the Pistons finishing with an NBA-best 64-18 record. Detroit residents are eagerly anticipating two championship parades in June. However, a huge obstacle stands in the way: a long-standing agreement between the NBA and NHL that no city can win both titles in the same year.


Largely unknown to the public, the agreement dates back to 1946. Maurice Podoloff was named president of the newly-formed Basketball Association of America – rechristened the National Basketball Association three years later. Also in 1946, Clarence Campbell started a 31-year reign as the NHL president. Both men noticed how World War II victory celebrations had lifted the spirits of numerous cities the previous year. Interested in spreading the wealth, they agreed that victory parades should not be limited to one location each spring. With the chilling memory of Adolf Hitler still fresh, Podoloff and Campbell were fearful of having too much power concentrated in one place.


The gentlemen’s agreement between the two presidents has been honored by their successors. To this day, no city has won the Stanley Cup and NBA championship in the same year. The most recent close call came in 2003, when the New Jersey Devils captured the Stanley Cup. However, the Nets inevitably fell to San Antonio in the NBA finals. The Spurs’ victory prevented a preposterous phrase from entering the sports lexicon: “East Rutherford: City of Champions.”


The Montreal Canadiens have been a huge factor in maintaining order. The team has been by far the most successful NHL franchise since the agreement went into effect, capturing 18 Stanley Cup titles in that time. With no NBA franchise in Montreal, the Canadiens often made the threat of dual championships a non-issue. On the other hand, Boston has been home to a record 16 NBA champions and does have a longtime NHL member. However, in the midst of the Celtics dynasty, the NHL did not allow the Bruins to advance to the finals during the 1960s. After Bill Russell retired in 1969, a drop was inevitable for the Celtics. As a result, the NHL loosened its restrictions on the Bruins, who won the Stanley Cup the following season. As Bobby Orr skated around with the Cup, he surely wanted to pass it to Russell in gratitude.


The most severe threat to the agreement came in 1994, when the New York Rangers won their first Stanley Cup title in 54 years. The Knicks also advanced to the finals, even taking a 3-2 lead over the Houston Rockets. Under normal conditions, the NBA would not have allowed New York to get so close to the title. However, like millions of Americans, league officials had been captivated by the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco chase and forgot that the finals were taking place. They regained their bearings during game 6, arranging for the potential John Starks game-winner to be blocked by Hakeem Olajuwon. Prior to game 7, a group of men reportedly visited Starks’s hotel room and told him, “If Houston doesn’t get a victory parade, David Stern will make your life REALLY unpleasant.” Starks went on to shoot 2-for-18 in a 90-84 Rockets victory.


As this year’s playoffs begin, the Pistons and Red Wings remain defiant in their quests for championships. Both teams have recent championship experience and must be considered the favorites this spring. While not as flashy as Kobe Bryant or LeBron James, Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton have had sterling seasons for the Pistons. The Motor City hoopsters are also emboldened by the old adage, “The team with the most Wallaces wins.”


Similarly, no one on the Red Wings gets the same headlines as Alexander Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby. However, defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom will likely collect his fourth Norris Trophy, and other veteran stars like Brendan Shanahan have meshed well with young stalwarts such as Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk. Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick feels that this combination will trump any 60-year-old agreement. “These players are focused on a title – not something from 1946,” commented the mayor. “None of these guys were playing back then. Well, except for Chelios. And maybe Yzerman.”


Earlier in 2006, the Pittsburgh Steelers won a title in Detroit. Even though history is against them, the Pistons and Red Wings plan to do the same. They’re even looking to the Steelers for an extra edge. As a good luck charm, both teams will add native son Jerome Bettis to the playoff roster.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Phillies Hire Hypnotist For Myers: Every Start Is "In Coors Field"

On Sunday, the Philadelphia Phillies completed a 4-2 road trip with a 1-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies. Brett Myers went 7 2/3 innings to even his record at 1-1. His impressive performance inspired the front office and manager Charlie Manuel to decide on an unorthodox course of action before each of the pitcher’s starts. Prior to every outing, the Phillies will engage a hypnotist to convince Myers that he is pitching in Coors Field.


The decision was made due to the great success experienced by Myers at the Colorado ballpark. The Phillies right-hander is 4-0 lifetime at Coors Field with a 2.63 ERA. Aside from John Elway, no one has been more powerful in Denver since Blake Carrington in the heyday of Dynasty. It remains to be seen whether Myers will inspire any cat-fights between Joan Collins and Linda Evans.


The performance of Myers is particularly remarkable given the park’s well-earned reputation as a hitter’s paradise. The first two games of the series were more indicative of fans’ expectations, with final scores of 10-6 and 10-8. The ballpark has been a boon not only to downtown Denver, but to local therapists who enjoy regular business from Rockies pitchers. Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle, successful starters elsewhere, fell to pieces on the Coors Field mound. When recently asked about the ballpark, Neagle curled up in the fetal position and echoed Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, whispering “The horror, the horror.”


Sunday’s game was just the second 1-0 outcome in the history of Coors Field, which opened in 1995. Afterward, many atheists in the ballpark converted to Christianity, having been convinced that a miracle actually could take place on Easter Sunday. Colorado’s Aaron Cook was the hard-luck loser, yielding the only run on Ryan Howard’s seventh-inning homer. Not only eggs were hidden on this Easter – so was the offense.


Prior to Sunday, Myers had only lasted five innings in each of his first two starts of the season. However, Coors Field had a revitalizing effect for him, just as the Silver Bullet Train energizes all whom it passes in the Coors Light commercials. Surely “Love Train” was playing as Myers and his teammates arrived at the ballpark yesterday. As is usually the case in life, troubles were solved by looking to beer commercials for inspiration.


The Phillies will not have any other trips to Coors Field this season, but they certainly want Myers to pitch the same way in other ballparks. Therefore, they have employed the hypnotist to work with the right-hander before every start. As he strides to the mound, Myers will repeatedly chant, “This is Coors Field. I will win the game.” The club feels confident that the hypnotist will help Myers become a legitimate ace – something most observers feel the Phillies need in order to defeat the Braves and Mets in the National League East. Team officials assured reporters that there would be no dangerous side effects from the hypnosis, as was the case with Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun. They guaranteed that Myers would not attempt to shoot the queen of England. Unless she does some really obnoxious heckling.


Myers will try out this new approach in Philadelphia on Saturday versus the Florida Marlins. If he is successful, expect the Philly fans to rally behind the hypnotist. And suggest that he work with David Bell.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Tax Terms For Sports Fans

Monday is the deadline for Americans to file their 2005 tax returns with the IRS. It’s easy to be confused by all the terminology involved with filing. With that in mind, the list below includes numerous tax terms and what they mean to sports fans.


1040: Projected total yardage for Texas in its 2006 opener versus North Texas

1099: What you’d see in Madison Square Garden if the retired jerseys of Walt Frazier and Wayne Gretzky were side by side

CPA: A summary of last year’s World Series: Chicago Pummels the Astros

Capital Gain: What the Washington hockey team experienced after drafting Alexander Ovechkin

Charitable Contribution: What the Twins gave to the Red Sox by letting go of David Ortiz

Deduction: What an ice dancing pair receives after one partner body-slams the other to the ice

Dependent: How so many top recent sluggers were toward steroids

E-File: Bio of NBA Hall of Famer Elvin (“The Big E”) Hayes

Exemption: What Terrell Owens wants from team rules

H&R Block: What H&R will do if you drive the lane against him

IRS: What Alford’s alma mater did in its coaching search: Indiana Rejected Steve

Jackson-Hewitt: The summer basketball camp run by Phil Jackson and Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt

Refund: What Spike Lee should demand for his Knicks season tickets

Schedule A: The list of games for an Oakland baseball player

W-2: Official scorer’s entry when President Bush throws out the first pitch to a catcher

Withholding: The best way to keep Michael Strahan from the quarterback

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Apollo Creed For Losing To Rocky Balboa

ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. Each episode focuses on a player or organization that has been widely blamed for a notable sports failure. Examples include Mike Tyson for losing to Buster Douglas, Bill Buckner for the Red Sox’ 1986 World Series defeat, and numerous others. The show examines other factors contributing to the failure and counts down the top five reasons you cannot blame the subject for the unsatisfactory outcome.


Today I will expand this approach to an athlete from the big screen. In the mid-1970s, Apollo Creed towered over the sports world as the undisputed heavyweight boxing champion. Creed knocked out one foe after another while displaying an unparalleled sense of showmanship. This dominance was disrupted in stunning fashion as Creed needed a split decision to escape against an obscure Philadelphia club fighter named Rocky Balboa. An even bigger shock came in the rematch, when Balboa scored a knockout to claim the championship belt. Fans and the sports media derided Creed for losing his title - and his aura of invincibility - against a seemingly inferior opponent.


However, a closer examination reveals numerous other factors contributing to the upset. I may not change your mind about Creed’s role in his defeat, but at least I hope to provide you with something to think about. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame Creed, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:


He Didn’t Want a Rematch: As the final bell sounded during their first bout, Creed told Balboa, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch.” To which Balboa replied, “Don’t want one.” If the rematch indeed had never happened, Rocky never would have won the belt from Apollo.


The Art Museum: Before the first fight, Balboa took solitary runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The second time around, Rocky was joined on the run by a mob of children, who jumped up and down with him at the top of the steps. So when Balboa entered the ring, it was as if he had all those kids at his side. There’s no way Creed could pummel all of them at once.


And now, the top five reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa.


Reason #5: Mickey. It’s common knowledge that a boxer’s ideal trainer is a tough-love curmudgeon with his last chance at being part of something special. Creed did not have the luxury of a crazy old geezer ordering him to chase a chicken while barking, “If you catch this thing, you can catch greased lightning!” Rocky’s relationship with his trainer provided the inspiration for Toni Basil’s smash hit Mickey, whose original lyrics began, “Yo Mickey I’m in need, help me beat Apollo Creed, Yo Mickey (clap-clap-clap-clap), Yo Mickey (clap-clap-clap-clap).”


Reason #4: The Ghost of Marciano. Rocky Marciano was the only heavyweight champion to retire with an unblemished record, finishing his career at 49-0. Whenever someone comes close to matching his record, that fighter loses. Larry Holmes was 48-0 when he suffered an upset loss to Michael Spinks in 1985. Similarly, Apollo Creed entered his rematch with Balboa at 47-0. Marciano may have died in 1969, but his spirit made sure that he would not be surpassed. Somehow Balboa had just enough energy to rise from the canvas while Creed was counted out. Even from beyond the grave, one Rocky was able to help another.


Reason #3: Philly Sports Jinx Not Yet in Effect. The Creed-Balboa rematch hit the big screen in 1979. The Flyers had captured the Stanley Cup in 1974 and 1975, the Phillies would win their only World Series in 1980, and Moses Malone would lead the Sixers to the promised land in 1983. However, the city’s major professional sports teams have been shut out since then, and no Big 5 program has even reached the Final Four since Villanova’s 1985 national title. So today the Italian Stallion would be pounded into submission shortly after the opening bell. But back then, he enjoyed a home ring advantage at the Spectrum. The crowd was against Creed as if he were wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey, and in between rounds Apollo’s corner was disrupted by the antics of the Phillie Phanatic.


Reason #2: Adrian’s Coma. Any fighter is destined to triumph when his wife emerges from a coma and tells him to win. Adrian entered the coma after giving premature birth to the couple’s baby boy. Rocky was completely despondent over her condition and lost all interest in the fight. However, when Adrian emerged and told him to win for her, Rocky embraced his training regimen with unprecedented passion. Creed lacked a similar source of inspiration. His wife should have entered a coma so that her husband could experience such a spark when she emerged. Apollo suffered dearly due to Mrs. Creed’s selfish non-coma policy.


Reason #1: Academy Voters. Rocky won the 1976 Best Picture Oscar over such enduring classics as Network and Taxi Driver. The award ensured that film audiences would be treated to another Creed-Balboa matchup. With high box office prospects looming for this fight and others in the future, Rocky’s ascension to the heavyweight throne was inevitable. Afterwards Apollo saw the writing on the wall, realizing that the Italian Stallion’s reign would endure as long as the box office remained strong. So Creed decided to act as an inspiration to his former foe. He helped Balboa regain the “eye of the tiger” and defeat the fearsome Clubber Lang. Later he made the ultimate sacrifice for his country, dying at the hands of Soviet hitting machine Ivan Drago. In honor of his fallen friend, Rocky subsequently defeated Drago and touched the Soviet crowd’s emotions with his “Everybody can change” post-fight speech. Not coincidentally, the Cold War soon ended. For his part, Apollo Creed was remembered not only as the “Master of Disaster,” but as the “Sensation of International Relations.”


Maybe I’ve changed your mind about Apollo Creed’s loss to Rocky Balboa, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Next Year's Masters: Match Play Between Tiger & Phil

Yesterday Phil Mickelson won his second green jacket with a two-stoke victory at the Masters. Mickelson replaced Tiger Woods as champion, with Tiger having captured his fourth title at Augusta National last year. Knowing that one or the other will inevitably triumph next year, tournament officials have made a ground-breaking decision. Only Phil and Tiger will be invited to the 2007 Masters, with the title to be decided by match play.


The two players have combined for the past three Masters championships and five of the last six. Tiger and Phil look like shopping buddies, as they take turns putting green jackets on the other. Still, the decision to include only those two is a radical departure from the standard proceedings. Augusta National Golf Club chairman Hootie Johnson responded, “We’re all about change. Nobody’s real big on tradition here.”


The match play showdown will be a one-day affair on Sunday, April 8. Asked why the first three days of competition have been eliminated, Johnson replied, “You’ve watched the past few years. It’s just gonna rain on those days, anyway.” Masters officials also acted in response to an old cliché about the tournament. If you watched much of the CBS coverage this weekend, you heard “They say The Masters doesn’t start until the back nine on Sunday” enough times to make a drinking game out of it. Tournament officials decided that since so many people say that, it must be true. However, for television purposes Phil and Tiger are still scheduled for 18 holes.


Next year’s format change will allow Augusta National to remain true to one of its hallmarks: exclusivity. The tournament is annually one of the toughest tickets in sports. Also, most people’s chances of joining the club are equivalent to the Best Picture odds on “The Benchwarmers.” By restricting the tournament to two players, Augusta National will take exclusivity to the next level. There is no word yet on whether Vijay Singh and Ernie Els will ask Martha Burk to rally on their behalf.


Johnson did emphasize that other players can still attend next year’s tournament, even if they are not competing. Past champions will receive coveted seats in Butler Cabin for a Texas Hold’em tournament. Rules for appropriate terminology will be in effect, similar to how club members insist on “second cut” instead of “rough” and “patrons” rather than “fans.” Therefore, participants will play for the “financial pool,” not the “pot.” Also, there will be no “flushes” within Butler Cabin. Instead, players will hope to have a “plumbing activity” in their hands.


In the meantime, top golfers can still look forward to the next major tournament – the U.S. Open in June. Last year’s edition, captured by Michael Campbell of New Zealand, was the only major in the last five that was not won by Mickelson or Woods. Like Augusta National, the host Winged Foot Golf Club will also feature an Amen Corner. That’s where golfers will be praying to beat Phil and Tiger.