Tonight begins the conference semifinal round in the NHL playoffs. Coming off a grueling 7-game series with Calgary, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks will take on the Colorado Avalanche. However, Anaheim and the San Jose Sharks have already been dealt a major defeat by the league office. The NHL has denied both teams’ requests to relinquish their home ice advantage.
The Ducks and Sharks filed their requests based on the results of the first round of playoffs. All western conference teams with home ice advantage lost in the opening round. Even the Detroit Red Wings, after the league’s best regular season, were sent packing by the Edmonton Oilers. Detroit sports fans are absolutely stunned. Not that the Wings were eliminated, but that the Tigers are suddenly good.
The scene is far different back east, where the top four seeds all advanced into the second round. Therefore, the road ice advantage may carry a western team to the finals, but it likely won’t bring the Stanley Cup. However, the Sharks and Ducks are already dreaming of Ottawa and New Jersey – anything to distract them from the unpleasantness of opening a series at home.
Anaheim and San Jose felt that by being the higher seeds, they should have the option of whether to accept the home ice advantage or not. Anaheim began every series on the road in 2003, yet it advanced to the Stanley Cup finals. As the sixth seed, the Mighty Ducks assumed that they would do the same this season, but the Avalanche and Oilers were one step ahead of them. The Sharks planned to take things even further, hoping to play their “home” games in Boston. However, commissioner Gary Bettman has ruled that both western series will open as scheduled in California.
With the appeal denied, Anaheim must try to stop a hot Colorado team tonight at the Arrowhead Pond. Unlike the Mighty Ducks, the Avalanche will be rested after eliminating the Dallas Stars in five games. Therefore, Anaheim is particularly vulnerable if the action goes to overtime. What remains to be seen is how both teams would respond to tonight’s overtime wrinkle, if it arises. According to an NHL rule honoring Cinco de Mayo, any game tied after regulation on May 5 will be decided by a margarita-chugging contest.
The Sharks are in a similar position, contending with an Edmonton team that knows it can take down anyone. San Jose does have the NHL points leader in Joe Thornton and the league’s top goal scorer in Jonathan Cheechoo (Gesundheit!). However, fans fear that having home ice will cause their team to perform like another Shark in the clutch. San Jose could turn into Greg Norman, shanking their shots while the Oilers morph into Nick Faldo.
In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy uttered the famous line, “There’s no place like home.” This ignorance about hockey is why Kansas does not have an NHL franchise.
Friday, May 05, 2006
NHL Denies San Jose, Anaheim Requests To Relinquish Home Ice Advantage
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
NC State Offers Basketball Coach Position To Gene Hackman
A month after Herb Sendek departed for Arizona State, North Carolina State is still looking to replace him as the school’s men’s basketball coach. The program has been the frequent butt of jokes during its seemingly futile search for Sendek’s successor. However, athletic director Lee Fowler hopes he has finally found his man. Fowler has offered the position to Academy Award-winning actor Gene Hackman.
The Wolfpack AD cited Hackman’s stellar portrayal of coach Norman Dale in Hoosiers, one of the most beloved sports films of all-time. As Dale, Hackman defied the odds in leading the underdog Hickory High to the Indiana state basketball championship. Athletic department officials feel that he can provide similar inspiration as the leader of the Pack. Reportedly, Nick Nolte was eliminated from consideration due to his rampant recruiting violations in Blue Chips.
“We realize Gene played a fictional coach,” noted Fowler. “But we’ve tried and tried to get a real-life coach, and that just hasn’t worked.” Indeed, Rick Barnes, John Calipari, John Beilein, and Steve Lavin all have rebuffed the Wolfpack. Fowler even contacted Phil Ford – an all-time great player for the hated UNC Tar Heels - apparently in response to a drunken dare. Fordham coach and NC State alum Dereck Whittenburg has also been mentioned as a possible candidate. However, athletic department officials did not believe that Whittenburg could be successful without Lorenzo Charles around to clean up his mistakes.
Wolfpack fans’ gripe with Sendek was that he was usually good, but never great. While he finished his decade-long tenure in Raleigh with five consecutive NCAA tournament appearances, he reached just one Sweet 16 and no Elite Eights. For supporters of a program that won national championships in 1974 and 1983, their expectations are higher. In Hackman, they would have someone who has also won the ultimate prize on two occasions – collecting Academy Awards for The French Connection and Unforgiven. NC State fans are starved for such a level of excellence and could ignore the fact that Hackman’s last film was Welcome To Mooseport.
Most importantly for Wolfpack devotees, they need someone who can take on the neighborhood big boys. NCSU has not reached the Final Four since the storied 1983 national title run. Since then, North Carolina and Duke have combined for 17 Final Four appearances and five national championships. Sendek fared miserably against the local powerhouses. However, Hackman has experience in battling superpowers, portraying Lex Luthor in the Superman movies. Although Superman still reigned supreme, he suffered numerous setbacks to Luthor along the way and regarded him as a formidable opponent. Hackman would enjoy an even stronger position off-screen in the event of an NC State victory over the Tar Heels or Blue Devils. Unlike Superman, Roy Williams or Mike Krzyzewski could not circle the earth at superhuman speed to turn back time and reverse an undesirable outcome. Such activity is in violation of NCAA rules.
Hackman’s performance surrounding the championship game in Hoosiers was particularly endearing to NCSU insiders. Hickory faced a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the finals and won by two points. Jim Valvano’s 1983 squad accomplished the same feat against Houston’s Phi Slamma Jamma powerhouse. Equally important was a subtle reference to academics. As Norman Dale, Hackman used a tape measure to relax his nervous players, showing that the court in their home gym contained the same dimensions as the much larger field house that hosted the title game. His skill with the tape measure demonstrated that he understands NCSU’s pride in its engineering program.
It remains to be seen whether Hackman will accept the offer. The actor could not be reached for comment. Some observers feel that Hackman is too old at age 76, but he was apparently inspired by Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden – both born before he was – coaching in January’s Orange Bowl. Hackman told Larry King during a 2004 interview that he believes his acting career is finished, so availability does not seem to be an issue. Wolfpack officials have indicated that they would allow Hackman to periodically leave practice to record voice-overs for Lowe’s and Oppenheimer Funds. On those occasions, practices would likely be run by assistant coach Dennis Hopper.
Whether Hackman takes the job or not, Wolfpack fans are eager to see a new man in charge. Herb Sendek took the Princeton offense out to the desert. Perhaps the picket fence will come to Raleigh.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
The ACC's Dirty Dozen
Saturday afternoon, the Atlantic Coast Conference made history by having 12 of its players among the 32 first round selections in the NFL draft. Interestingly, none of the 12 were from Virginia Tech, the league’s only top 10 team last season. However, four ACC players shook hands with commissioner Paul Tagliabue before Matt Leinart or anyone from the SEC did so. While Ohio State claimed top honors for one program with five first rounders, the ACC averaged one first round pick for each of its members. Below are some notes on the chosen 12.
1. Houston Texans: Mario Williams, DE, North Carolina State. Williams has been billed by many as the next version of Julius Peppers. Texans fans preferred this version of Vince Young. Nationally, Williams is known as “Not Reggie Bush.”
4. New York Jets: D’Brickashaw Ferguson, OT, Virginia. His name was based on that of the priest played by Richard Chamberlain in The Thorn Birds. So while Charlie Ward greatly impacted ACC football, so did Rachel Ward.
6. San Francisco 49ers: Vernon Davis, TE, Maryland. Fellow tight end Kellen Winslow was also the sixth overall selection two years ago. 49ers officials will zap Davis with a stun gun if he gets within 30 yards of a motorcycle.
9. Detroit Lions: Ernie Sims, OLB, Florida State. Afterward, Lions president Matt Millen sheepishly admitted that he thought Sims played wide receiver.
13. Cleveland Browns: Kamerion Wimbley, DE, Florida State. Coach Romeo Crennel’s defense will continue to improve. However, the offense couldn’t score on Paris Hilton.
14. Philadelphia Eagles: Brodrick Bunkley, DT, Florida State. Three of the top 14 picks were Seminoles, but FSU was only 8-5 last season. Fortunately, Bunkley’s new teammates don’t want to hear anything about 2005.
15. St. Louis Rams: Tye Hill, CB, Clemson. Hill won the ACC championship in the 60 meter (indoor) and 100 meter (outdoors) sprints. Unfortunately for the Rams, he only runs fast in metric.
19. San Diego Chargers: Antonio Cromartie, CB, Florida State. Due to a knee injury, Cromartie didn’t even play last year. However, San Diego got caught up in the FSU trend and had to have a Seminole of their own.
22. San Francisco 49ers: Manny Lawson, OLB, North Carolina State. Still hoping to keep Lawson on campus, NCSU athletic director Lee Fowler has offered him the basketball coaching job.
26. Buffalo Bills: John McCargo, DT, North Carolina State. For those keeping score on the first round: NC State 3, Texas & USC 2 apiece.
31. Seattle Seahawks: Kelly Jennings, CB, Miami. The Seahawks wanted to take someone else, but it’s now a league rule that a Cane must be chosen in the first round.
32. New York Giants: Mathias Kiwanuka, DE, Boston College. Mathias is proud to be the grandson of the late Benedicto Kiwanuka, a Ugandan prime minister and human rights advocate who hated to see people suffer. Except for quarterbacks.
Surely ACC commissioner John Swofford is swelling with pride over his league’s representation. In contrast, no ACC men’s basketball team advanced to the Elite Eight last month. Reportedly, Swofford shrugged off that disappointment, noting, “What do you expect? We’re a football conference!”
Friday, April 28, 2006
Sports Before and After
Faithful readers will be interested to know that I shot an amusing T-Mobile commercial this week. I’m one of two dads who are research subjects in a science lab, watching our daughters chatter endlessly in isolation booths. As the “T-Mobile Dad,” I stay calm and cheerful throughout the process, while the “Competition Dad” goes bonkers as his daughter exceeds their allotted minutes. Look for the spot in a few weeks!
Today’s entry relates to another one of my on-camera experiences: Jeopardy! An entertaining category that appears on the show from time to time is “Before and After.” For each clue, the answer combines two different subjects, with the end of the first being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the Florida basketball coach who quarterbacks the Philadelphia Eagles, you would answer “Billy Donovan McNabb.” Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck at the latest installment of “Sports Before and After.” Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question.
1. Pet Benatar’s 1983 hit about the 1997 PGA Championship winner
2. Classic 1950s sitcom about Penn State’s home field
3. Steven Spielberg film in which soldiers try to find a San Diego quarterback bust
4. Herman Melville classic about a screaming college basketball announcer
5. Beloved Christmas tune about a legendary 1960 gold medal sprinter
6. Denver Nuggets star who acted in Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club
7. Annual presidential speech about the Buckeyes
8. Asia’s smash hit about Dwyane Wade’s team
9. Classic 1968 zombie movie about a fiery Texas Tech coach
10. Fast food franchise used to defend a basketball opponent with a dominant scorer
11. Annual Williamsport sporting event focused on a mouse voiced by Michael J. Fox
12. Foul shot that’s a comedy starring Billy Crystal and Danny Devito
13. Vanilla Ice’s hit song about the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team’s upset of the Soviets
14. Fighting Irish actress who won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love
15. Van Morrison ditty about a loved one who resembles a legendary Cleveland running back
16. Mel Brooks comedy about a star Texas quarterback
17. 1971 AL Cy Young and MVP winner who’s a popular Las Vegas act
18. Roald Dahl children’s book about a Cleveland Cavaliers superstar
19. Wayans Brothers comedy in which the 2003 Heisman Trophy winner goes undercover
20. Tony Toni Tone’s hit song about the Arizona basketball coach
21. Legendary Alabama coach who said, “Only you can prevent forest fires”
22. Cedric the Entertainer movie about a star Bengals receiver
23. James Joyce novel about the Demon Deacons’ school
24. NBC series in which Jill Hennessy stars as a UCLA point guard
25. Animated Disney classic about a Gold Glove first baseman and his short companions
Answers:
1. Davis Love Is a Battlefield
2. Leave It To Beaver Stadium
3. Saving Private Ryan Leaf
4. Moby Dick Vitale
5. Wilma Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer
6. Carmelo Anthony Michael Hall
7. Ohio State of the Union Address
8. Miami Heat of the Moment
9. Bobby Knight of the Living Dead
10. Jack in the Box and One
11. Stuart Little League World Series
12. Free Throw Momma From the Train
13. Miracle on Ice Ice Baby
14. Notre Dame Judi Dench
15. Jim Brown-Eyed Girl
16. Vince Young Frankenstein
17. Vida Blue Man Group
18. LeBron James and the Giant Peach
19. Jason White Chicks
20. If I Had No Lute Olson
21. Smokey the Bear Bryant
22. Chad Johnson Family Vacation
23. Finnegans Wake Forest
24. Crossing Jordan Farmar
25. J.T. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
NBA Pre-empts Weekend Playoff Games To Show Its Players Watching NFL Draft
The National Football League has long been entrenched as the 800-pound gorilla on the American sports landscape. 4 ½ months before the 2006 season kicks off, this pre-eminence is readily apparent this week. Surveys have shown that sports fans are far more interested in this weekend’s NFL draft than in the baseball regular season and NBA and NHL playoffs. Always aware of the marketplace, NBA commissioner David Stern does not want to be left behind. Therefore, afternoon NBA playoff games will not be played as scheduled this Saturday and Sunday. Instead, TNT and ABC will televise players from the involved NBA teams as they watch the NFL draft.
Stern explained why the move was a no-brainer. “In the first round of the NFL draft, every fifteen minutes something actually happens. And in between, a bunch of guys who will probably be proven dead wrong in a couple years get to talk incessantly about the process, as they’ve been doing on SportsCenter for months. Shaquille O’Neal throwing down a Dwyane Wade alley-oop pass just can’t match that excitement.” Instead, Wade and O’Neal will be shown debating whether Matt Leinart should be chosen before Vince Young.
For the affected afternoon games, the winners will be decided based on their draft prognostication skills. The Phoenix Suns-Los Angeles Lakers matchup on Sunday will be particularly interesting. Ballots for NBA MVP have already been submitted, but the forecasting battle between Steve Nash and Kobe Bryant could serve as a referendum on who should collect the award. Nash has a reputation for making his teammates better at analyzing the draft, but Kobe is eager to disprove the charges that he is selfish in predicting the selections.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is highly critical of the commissioner’s decision. Cuban pointed out that the two best players in the Mavericks-Grizzlies series – Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol – both hail from Europe, where “football” refers to the upcoming World Cup. Therefore, he feels that forcing the players to analyze the NFL draft on Saturday is unfair. Stern responded, “Yes, Dirk and Pau are great basketball players. But they need to be more like Mel Kiper, Jr.”
The Chicago Bulls, already down 2-0 in their series with Miami, could be swept if their picks are off base on Sunday. The Bulls’ inexperience is a potentially huge obstacle, so they have enlisted the aid of a long-time NFL draft observer. This advisor has imparted the following tips to the Baby Bulls as ABC asks them for their thoughts on NFL prospects: “When in doubt, say the word ‘upside’ as much as possible. And if they ask a follow-up question, proclaim, ‘This guy can really make plays.’” As a result, Chicago should be able to survive.
The Indiana Pacers and New Jersey Nets will be at Radio City Music Hall in person for the festivities. With the commissioner’s edict changing plans for Saturday’s scheduled game 4 in Indianapolis, the teams will head east early before game 5 in East Rutherford. The players will be happy about the extra time away from the court, since having days off between first round NBA playoff games is extremely rare. The additional break will also cut down on injuries. That is, as long as the Nets and Pacers sit far away from ESPN commentator Michael Irvin, whose screaming analysis could cause permanent deafness.
The night-time NBA matchups will be played as scheduled. However, ESPN and TNT reserve the right to interrupt coverage of those games to show highlights of basketball players’ reactions to the selections. Also, NBA sideline reporters will solicit draft insight from coaches as they leave the court at halftime. For example, during the Pistons-Bucks contest Saturday night, Detroit coach Flip Saunders will discuss the latest wide receiver to be chosen in the first round by the Lions. The reporter may go slightly off-topic with Milwaukee coach Terry Stotts, seeking his thoughts on whether Brett Favre will retire.
Due to Stern’s decision, NBA coaches have an even bigger workload than their typical playoff grind. Not only will they break down game film on their opponents, but now they must do so for all the top football prospects. In the NBA postseason, the Atlanta Hawks are no longer a concern. But A.J. Hawk certainly is.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
National League Pitchers Lobby For "Pujols On Pujols" Series
On Friday night, St. Louis Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols belted his 11th home run of the year in a 9-3 victory over the Chicago Cubs. Coming off an MVP season, Pujols has been on fire in the early stages of 2006. Any attempts by the opposition to cool him off have been futile. However, National League pitchers are desperately hoping that one thing can slow down Pujols: his own reality show.
ESPN is currently running Bonds On Bonds, a 10-part reality series focused on controversial San Francisco Giants star Barry Bonds. Each year from his record-setting 2001 campaign through 2004, Bonds was the National League MVP. Barry was like Biff from Back To the Future, striking fear in all the George McFlys on the mound. After an injury-shortened 2005, Bonds looked to resume his bullying on the diamond this April. However, Bonds On Bonds may represent the same turning point for pitchers that the “Enchantment Under the Sea” dance was for George. Through his first 13 games of the season, Bonds is batting just .200, with no home runs and 1 RBI.
Finding a similar show for Pujols may be the only hope for National League pitchers. Albert leads the majors with his 11 round-trippers, and he is hitting .358 with 24 RBIs. The numbers are gaudy even by his own standards set since 2001, his National League Rookie of the Year campaign. Since then he has charted a path to Cooperstown, becoming the first major leaguer since Ted Williams to drive in at least 100 runs in each of his first five seasons. Unfortunately for pitchers, they cannot have Pujols frozen like the Red Sox legend. They may try to brush him off the plate, but freezing players like Han Solo in The Empire Strikes Back is blatantly against the unwritten rules of the game.
Unfortunately for opposing pitchers, ESPN may not be interested in Pujols On Pujols. Bonds was considered a fascinating subject not only for his stellar play, but also for the steroid cloud surrounding him and his contentious relationship with the media. Pujols does not seem to have such an air of controversy around him. However, Houston Astros closer Brad Lidge disagrees. “Everyone in St. Louis knows that Albert is a notorious jaywalker,” charged Lidge. “ESPN should follow him and expose these heinous misdeeds.” As punishment, Lidge urged commissioner Bud Selig to suspend Pujols from the ninth inning of all future games.
Ultimately, pitchers would love an image of Pujols that viewers saw on the first episode of Bonds On Bonds: a superstar slugger in tears. Bonds got emotional while telling reporters, “You can’t hurt me any more than you’ve hurt me already.” As of now, Pujols could only say part of that sentence to pitchers: “You can’t hurt me.” So far, the opposing hurlers have been the ones bawling, contradicting the claim of Tom Hanks that there’s no crying in baseball. St. Louis sports reporters already know that weeping takes place in the sports world, since Dick Vermeil coached in their city.
While Pujols continues to dazzle the National League, pitchers will hold out hope that a reality show can help their cause. Until that happens, tomorrow may represent the best chance to slow down the Cardinals superstar. The resurgent Greg Maddux, leading the National League in ERA, will take the mound for the Cubs. Albert’s hometown of Santo Domingo is Spanish for “Holy Sunday.” As Pujols steps to the plate on this Sunday, Maddux will surely be praying.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Detroit Hopes To Overcome NBA, NHL Collusion In Dual Title Quest
The NBA concluded its regular season on Wednesday – one night after the NHL had done likewise. The Motor City reigned supreme in both leagues, with the Red Wings capturing the Presidents’ Trophy and the Pistons finishing with an NBA-best 64-18 record. Detroit residents are eagerly anticipating two championship parades in June. However, a huge obstacle stands in the way: a long-standing agreement between the NBA and NHL that no city can win both titles in the same year.
Largely unknown to the public, the agreement dates back to 1946. Maurice Podoloff was named president of the newly-formed Basketball Association of America – rechristened the National Basketball Association three years later. Also in 1946, Clarence Campbell started a 31-year reign as the NHL president. Both men noticed how World War II victory celebrations had lifted the spirits of numerous cities the previous year. Interested in spreading the wealth, they agreed that victory parades should not be limited to one location each spring. With the chilling memory of Adolf Hitler still fresh, Podoloff and Campbell were fearful of having too much power concentrated in one place.
The gentlemen’s agreement between the two presidents has been honored by their successors. To this day, no city has won the Stanley Cup and NBA championship in the same year. The most recent close call came in 2003, when the New Jersey Devils captured the Stanley Cup. However, the Nets inevitably fell to San Antonio in the NBA finals. The Spurs’ victory prevented a preposterous phrase from entering the sports lexicon: “East Rutherford: City of Champions.”
The Montreal Canadiens have been a huge factor in maintaining order. The team has been by far the most successful NHL franchise since the agreement went into effect, capturing 18 Stanley Cup titles in that time. With no NBA franchise in Montreal, the Canadiens often made the threat of dual championships a non-issue. On the other hand, Boston has been home to a record 16 NBA champions and does have a longtime NHL member. However, in the midst of the Celtics dynasty, the NHL did not allow the Bruins to advance to the finals during the 1960s. After Bill Russell retired in 1969, a drop was inevitable for the Celtics. As a result, the NHL loosened its restrictions on the Bruins, who won the Stanley Cup the following season. As Bobby Orr skated around with the Cup, he surely wanted to pass it to Russell in gratitude.
The most severe threat to the agreement came in 1994, when the New York Rangers won their first Stanley Cup title in 54 years. The Knicks also advanced to the finals, even taking a 3-2 lead over the Houston Rockets. Under normal conditions, the NBA would not have allowed New York to get so close to the title. However, like millions of Americans, league officials had been captivated by the O.J. Simpson Ford Bronco chase and forgot that the finals were taking place. They regained their bearings during game 6, arranging for the potential John Starks game-winner to be blocked by Hakeem Olajuwon. Prior to game 7, a group of men reportedly visited Starks’s hotel room and told him, “If Houston doesn’t get a victory parade, David Stern will make your life REALLY unpleasant.” Starks went on to shoot 2-for-18 in a 90-84 Rockets victory.
As this year’s playoffs begin, the Pistons and Red Wings remain defiant in their quests for championships. Both teams have recent championship experience and must be considered the favorites this spring. While not as flashy as Kobe Bryant or LeBron James, Chauncey Billups and Richard Hamilton have had sterling seasons for the Pistons. The Motor City hoopsters are also emboldened by the old adage, “The team with the most Wallaces wins.”
Similarly, no one on the Red Wings gets the same headlines as Alexander Ovechkin or Sidney Crosby. However, defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom will likely collect his fourth Norris Trophy, and other veteran stars like Brendan Shanahan have meshed well with young stalwarts such as Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk. Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick feels that this combination will trump any 60-year-old agreement. “These players are focused on a title – not something from 1946,” commented the mayor. “None of these guys were playing back then. Well, except for Chelios. And maybe Yzerman.”
Earlier in 2006, the Pittsburgh Steelers won a title in Detroit. Even though history is against them, the Pistons and Red Wings plan to do the same. They’re even looking to the Steelers for an extra edge. As a good luck charm, both teams will add native son Jerome Bettis to the playoff roster.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Phillies Hire Hypnotist For Myers: Every Start Is "In Coors Field"
On Sunday, the Philadelphia Phillies completed a 4-2 road trip with a 1-0 victory over the Colorado Rockies. Brett Myers went 7 2/3 innings to even his record at 1-1. His impressive performance inspired the front office and manager Charlie Manuel to decide on an unorthodox course of action before each of the pitcher’s starts. Prior to every outing, the Phillies will engage a hypnotist to convince Myers that he is pitching in Coors Field.
The decision was made due to the great success experienced by Myers at the Colorado ballpark. The Phillies right-hander is 4-0 lifetime at Coors Field with a 2.63 ERA. Aside from John Elway, no one has been more powerful in Denver since Blake Carrington in the heyday of Dynasty. It remains to be seen whether Myers will inspire any cat-fights between Joan Collins and Linda Evans.
The performance of Myers is particularly remarkable given the park’s well-earned reputation as a hitter’s paradise. The first two games of the series were more indicative of fans’ expectations, with final scores of 10-6 and 10-8. The ballpark has been a boon not only to downtown Denver, but to local therapists who enjoy regular business from Rockies pitchers. Mike Hampton and Denny Neagle, successful starters elsewhere, fell to pieces on the Coors Field mound. When recently asked about the ballpark, Neagle curled up in the fetal position and echoed Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, whispering “The horror, the horror.”
Sunday’s game was just the second 1-0 outcome in the history of Coors Field, which opened in 1995. Afterward, many atheists in the ballpark converted to Christianity, having been convinced that a miracle actually could take place on Easter Sunday. Colorado’s Aaron Cook was the hard-luck loser, yielding the only run on Ryan Howard’s seventh-inning homer. Not only eggs were hidden on this Easter – so was the offense.
Prior to Sunday, Myers had only lasted five innings in each of his first two starts of the season. However, Coors Field had a revitalizing effect for him, just as the Silver Bullet Train energizes all whom it passes in the Coors Light commercials. Surely “Love Train” was playing as Myers and his teammates arrived at the ballpark yesterday. As is usually the case in life, troubles were solved by looking to beer commercials for inspiration.
The Phillies will not have any other trips to Coors Field this season, but they certainly want Myers to pitch the same way in other ballparks. Therefore, they have employed the hypnotist to work with the right-hander before every start. As he strides to the mound, Myers will repeatedly chant, “This is Coors Field. I will win the game.” The club feels confident that the hypnotist will help Myers become a legitimate ace – something most observers feel the Phillies need in order to defeat the Braves and Mets in the National League East. Team officials assured reporters that there would be no dangerous side effects from the hypnosis, as was the case with Reggie Jackson in The Naked Gun. They guaranteed that Myers would not attempt to shoot the queen of England. Unless she does some really obnoxious heckling.
Myers will try out this new approach in Philadelphia on Saturday versus the Florida Marlins. If he is successful, expect the Philly fans to rally behind the hypnotist. And suggest that he work with David Bell.
Friday, April 14, 2006
Tax Terms For Sports Fans
Monday is the deadline for Americans to file their 2005 tax returns with the IRS. It’s easy to be confused by all the terminology involved with filing. With that in mind, the list below includes numerous tax terms and what they mean to sports fans.
1040: Projected total yardage for Texas in its 2006 opener versus North Texas
1099: What you’d see in Madison Square Garden if the retired jerseys of Walt Frazier and Wayne Gretzky were side by side
CPA: A summary of last year’s World Series: Chicago Pummels the Astros
Capital Gain: What the Washington hockey team experienced after drafting Alexander Ovechkin
Charitable Contribution: What the Twins gave to the Red Sox by letting go of David Ortiz
Deduction: What an ice dancing pair receives after one partner body-slams the other to the ice
Dependent: How so many top recent sluggers were toward steroids
E-File: Bio of NBA Hall of Famer Elvin (“The Big E”) Hayes
Exemption: What Terrell Owens wants from team rules
H&R Block: What H&R will do if you drive the lane against him
IRS: What Alford’s alma mater did in its coaching search: Indiana Rejected Steve
Jackson-Hewitt: The summer basketball camp run by Phil Jackson and Georgia Tech coach Paul Hewitt
Refund: What Spike Lee should demand for his Knicks season tickets
Schedule A: The list of games for an Oakland baseball player
W-2: Official scorer’s entry when President Bush throws out the first pitch to a catcher
Withholding: The best way to keep Michael Strahan from the quarterback
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Apollo Creed For Losing To Rocky Balboa
ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. Each episode focuses on a player or organization that has been widely blamed for a notable sports failure. Examples include Mike Tyson for losing to Buster Douglas, Bill Buckner for the Red Sox’ 1986 World Series defeat, and numerous others. The show examines other factors contributing to the failure and counts down the top five reasons you cannot blame the subject for the unsatisfactory outcome.
Today I will expand this approach to an athlete from the big screen. In the mid-1970s, Apollo Creed towered over the sports world as the undisputed heavyweight boxing champion. Creed knocked out one foe after another while displaying an unparalleled sense of showmanship. This dominance was disrupted in stunning fashion as Creed needed a split decision to escape against an obscure Philadelphia club fighter named Rocky Balboa. An even bigger shock came in the rematch, when Balboa scored a knockout to claim the championship belt. Fans and the sports media derided Creed for losing his title - and his aura of invincibility - against a seemingly inferior opponent.
However, a closer examination reveals numerous other factors contributing to the upset. I may not change your mind about Creed’s role in his defeat, but at least I hope to provide you with something to think about. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame Creed, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:
He Didn’t Want a Rematch: As the final bell sounded during their first bout, Creed told Balboa, “Ain’t gonna be no rematch.” To which Balboa replied, “Don’t want one.” If the rematch indeed had never happened, Rocky never would have won the belt from Apollo.
The Art Museum: Before the first fight, Balboa took solitary runs up the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art. The second time around, Rocky was joined on the run by a mob of children, who jumped up and down with him at the top of the steps. So when Balboa entered the ring, it was as if he had all those kids at his side. There’s no way Creed could pummel all of them at once.
And now, the top five reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa.
Reason #5: Mickey. It’s common knowledge that a boxer’s ideal trainer is a tough-love curmudgeon with his last chance at being part of something special. Creed did not have the luxury of a crazy old geezer ordering him to chase a chicken while barking, “If you catch this thing, you can catch greased lightning!” Rocky’s relationship with his trainer provided the inspiration for Toni Basil’s smash hit Mickey, whose original lyrics began, “Yo Mickey I’m in need, help me beat Apollo Creed, Yo Mickey (clap-clap-clap-clap), Yo Mickey (clap-clap-clap-clap).”
Reason #4: The Ghost of Marciano. Rocky Marciano was the only heavyweight champion to retire with an unblemished record, finishing his career at 49-0. Whenever someone comes close to matching his record, that fighter loses. Larry Holmes was 48-0 when he suffered an upset loss to Michael Spinks in 1985. Similarly, Apollo Creed entered his rematch with Balboa at 47-0. Marciano may have died in 1969, but his spirit made sure that he would not be surpassed. Somehow Balboa had just enough energy to rise from the canvas while Creed was counted out. Even from beyond the grave, one Rocky was able to help another.
Reason #3: Philly Sports Jinx Not Yet in Effect. The Creed-Balboa rematch hit the big screen in 1979. The Flyers had captured the Stanley Cup in 1974 and 1975, the Phillies would win their only World Series in 1980, and Moses Malone would lead the Sixers to the promised land in 1983. However, the city’s major professional sports teams have been shut out since then, and no Big 5 program has even reached the Final Four since Villanova’s 1985 national title. So today the Italian Stallion would be pounded into submission shortly after the opening bell. But back then, he enjoyed a home ring advantage at the Spectrum. The crowd was against Creed as if he were wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey, and in between rounds Apollo’s corner was disrupted by the antics of the Phillie Phanatic.
Reason #2: Adrian’s Coma. Any fighter is destined to triumph when his wife emerges from a coma and tells him to win. Adrian entered the coma after giving premature birth to the couple’s baby boy. Rocky was completely despondent over her condition and lost all interest in the fight. However, when Adrian emerged and told him to win for her, Rocky embraced his training regimen with unprecedented passion. Creed lacked a similar source of inspiration. His wife should have entered a coma so that her husband could experience such a spark when she emerged. Apollo suffered dearly due to Mrs. Creed’s selfish non-coma policy.
Reason #1: Academy Voters. Rocky won the 1976 Best Picture Oscar over such enduring classics as Network and Taxi Driver. The award ensured that film audiences would be treated to another Creed-Balboa matchup. With high box office prospects looming for this fight and others in the future, Rocky’s ascension to the heavyweight throne was inevitable. Afterwards Apollo saw the writing on the wall, realizing that the Italian Stallion’s reign would endure as long as the box office remained strong. So Creed decided to act as an inspiration to his former foe. He helped Balboa regain the “eye of the tiger” and defeat the fearsome Clubber Lang. Later he made the ultimate sacrifice for his country, dying at the hands of Soviet hitting machine Ivan Drago. In honor of his fallen friend, Rocky subsequently defeated Drago and touched the Soviet crowd’s emotions with his “Everybody can change” post-fight speech. Not coincidentally, the Cold War soon ended. For his part, Apollo Creed was remembered not only as the “Master of Disaster,” but as the “Sensation of International Relations.”
Maybe I’ve changed your mind about Apollo Creed’s loss to Rocky Balboa, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Next Year's Masters: Match Play Between Tiger & Phil
Yesterday Phil Mickelson won his second green jacket with a two-stoke victory at the Masters. Mickelson replaced Tiger Woods as champion, with Tiger having captured his fourth title at Augusta National last year. Knowing that one or the other will inevitably triumph next year, tournament officials have made a ground-breaking decision. Only Phil and Tiger will be invited to the 2007 Masters, with the title to be decided by match play.
The two players have combined for the past three Masters championships and five of the last six. Tiger and Phil look like shopping buddies, as they take turns putting green jackets on the other. Still, the decision to include only those two is a radical departure from the standard proceedings. Augusta National Golf Club chairman Hootie Johnson responded, “We’re all about change. Nobody’s real big on tradition here.”
The match play showdown will be a one-day affair on Sunday, April 8. Asked why the first three days of competition have been eliminated, Johnson replied, “You’ve watched the past few years. It’s just gonna rain on those days, anyway.” Masters officials also acted in response to an old cliché about the tournament. If you watched much of the CBS coverage this weekend, you heard “They say The Masters doesn’t start until the back nine on Sunday” enough times to make a drinking game out of it. Tournament officials decided that since so many people say that, it must be true. However, for television purposes Phil and Tiger are still scheduled for 18 holes.
Next year’s format change will allow Augusta National to remain true to one of its hallmarks: exclusivity. The tournament is annually one of the toughest tickets in sports. Also, most people’s chances of joining the club are equivalent to the Best Picture odds on “The Benchwarmers.” By restricting the tournament to two players, Augusta National will take exclusivity to the next level. There is no word yet on whether Vijay Singh and Ernie Els will ask Martha Burk to rally on their behalf.
Johnson did emphasize that other players can still attend next year’s tournament, even if they are not competing. Past champions will receive coveted seats in Butler Cabin for a Texas Hold’em tournament. Rules for appropriate terminology will be in effect, similar to how club members insist on “second cut” instead of “rough” and “patrons” rather than “fans.” Therefore, participants will play for the “financial pool,” not the “pot.” Also, there will be no “flushes” within Butler Cabin. Instead, players will hope to have a “plumbing activity” in their hands.
In the meantime, top golfers can still look forward to the next major tournament – the U.S. Open in June. Last year’s edition, captured by Michael Campbell of New Zealand, was the only major in the last five that was not won by Mickelson or Woods. Like Augusta National, the host Winged Foot Golf Club will also feature an Amen Corner. That’s where golfers will be praying to beat Phil and Tiger.
Friday, April 07, 2006
38 Is Special For Rollins
Today as the Philadelphia Phillies begin a weekend series with the Los Angeles Dodgers, life gets back to normal for shortstop Jimmy Rollins. He is no longer chasing Joe DiMaggio after the St. Louis Cardinals ended his hitting streak yesterday at 38 consecutive games. However, Rollins deserves a tip of the hat for his tremendous accomplishment. In tribute, here is how the number 38 relates to the sports world in other respects.
Points for USC in Rose Bowl loss to Texas. Also how many phone numbers Matt Leinart collects on an average night.
Uniform number for Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano and Mets pitcher Victor Zambrano. Steroid penalties get the headlines, but the same punishment is in place for any Zambranos who do not wear number 38.
Year (1938) in which Temple won the inaugural NIT. Well before South Carolina took permanent ownership of the tournament nobody cares about.
National League-leading home run total for Howard Johnson in 1991. Today it seems hard to believe that 38 home runs could lead the league. What’s even crazier to fathom? Howard Johnson led the league in home runs.
Points scored by Los Angeles Raiders in Super Bowl XVIII rout of Washington. Wait, the NFL had a team in L.A.? Two of them? Are you sure?
Uniform number for 2003 National League Cy Young Award winner Eric Gagne and 2004 National League Rookie of the Year Jason Bay. A short-lived National League rule mandated that each year a major award would go to a Canadian guy wearing number 38.
Number among U.S. Presidents of Gerald Ford. A football star at the University of Michigan, Ford labeled Jimmy Carter a “Buckeye sympathizer” during his 1976 campaign.
Year (1938) in which Cincinnati Red Johnny Vander Meer hurled consecutive no-hitters. Batters couldn’t get their hands on good steroids back then.
Points scored by Michael Jordan in Game 5 of the 1997 NBA Finals despite a stomach virus. Now to get sick, he just watches the Knicks.
Super Bowl in which New England defeated Carolina 32-29. Also the average number of times a TiVo user replayed the Janet Jackson boob shot.
Uniform number for Portland Trail Blazers forward Viktor Khryapa. I know, if I mention a Russian athlete, it should be Maria Sharapova. My bad.
Years since O.J. Simpson won the 1968 Heisman Trophy. And 12 years since he’s committed any double-murders.
Age of Kansas City outfielder Reggie Sanders. Also the number of teams he’s played for.
Draft position of quarterback Boomer Esiason in 1984. Excited Bengals fans yelled, “Cool, we got Phil Simms!”
NHL-leading number of goals for Detroit’s Gordie Howe in 1962-63. I’m glad I didn’t have to clean up all those octopi.
Uniform number for Atlanta Braves pitcher Ken Ray. Prior to being called up yesterday, Ray’s major league experience consisted of 13 games with Kansas City in 1999. He struck out the first batter he faced yesterday. A guy named Bonds. After the game, Ray received a congratulatory phone call from longtime battery mate Crash Davis.
Career touchdown receptions from 1986-89 for Duke football star Clarkston Hines. To answer your question, no I could not keep a straight face while typing “Duke football star.”
American League-leading save total for Detroit’s John Hiller in 1973. Hiller was a closer who had recovered from a 1971 heart attack. Later, Mitch Williams was a closer who caused many heart attacks.
Carries in Super Bowl XVII for MVP John Riggins. Also the number of drinks he had before meeting Sandra Day O’Connor.
Years as a Division 1 head coach for Bear Bryant. To bring things full circle, Jimmy Rollins is linked to the legendary coach by the cheer “J-Roll Tide!”
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Florida Secures Basketball Commitments From Sampras & Agassi Kids
Gator fans are still celebrating after Florida’s 73-57 thumping of UCLA in last night’s national title game. Joakim Noah is literally the big man on campus after earning Final Four Most Outstanding Player honors. Coach Billy Donovan certainly appreciates the impact made by the son of a tennis star. Therefore, Donovan has secured commitments from four-year-old Jaden Agassi, three-year-old Christian Sampras, and eight-month-old Ryan Sampras.
Fairly unknown before this season, Joakim Noah is now the object of desire for all NBA general managers. Noah had 16 points, nine rebounds and six blocks in the championship game and totaled a record 29 blocks during the tournament. The performance was on par with that of his father, Yannick Noah, in winning the 1983 French Open. Roland Garros Stadium has been hallowed ground for the family ever since then. In fact, part of Donovan’s recruiting pitch was in convincing Joakim that the Gators played their home games on clay.
Now Joakim has influenced Donovan’s recruiting strategy in another way. Seeing how Noah has led the program to unprecedented heights, the coach decided to continue targeting the offspring of tennis standouts. “We won a championship with Joakim, and his dad won one stinkin’ Grand Slam singles title,” remarked Donovan. “Jaden’s dad is Andre Agassi, and his mom is Steffi Graf. 30 Grand Slam singles titles between them – we’re talkin’ dynasty, baby!”
The Sampras children only add to the winning legacy. Pete Sampras captured a men’s record 14 Grand Slam singles titles. His sister is the head coach of the UCLA women’s tennis team, so many expected his children to become Bruins. However, once again Donovan got the best of UCLA. Known as one of the most tireless recruiters in the coaching profession, the Florida leader has raised the standard in pursuing prospects early. No one is better at landing pre-kindergarten blue-chippers.
However, this activity does carry enormous risk. Top-flight programs often have to depend on youthful hoopsters these days. However, players referred to as young are usually 19, not 4. Ryan Sampras cannot even walk yet, so teaching him the principles of man-to-man defense could be problematic. He also will make practices less efficient, as assistant coaches will need to add diaper-changing to their duties. However, if he performs well in free-throw shooting drills, the staff will reward Ryan by allowing him to play with their keys.
Donovan downplays the risk, noting that next year’s team will be an experienced unit. Despite his dominance in the tournament, many observers expect Noah to return. If he and teammates Corey Brewer and Al Horford do put the NBA on hold for another season, the Gators will return their entire starting lineup. Therefore, the Sampras and Agassi children can be free of much pressure as they gradually accumulate more playing time. Ryan Sampras will likely be redshirted, so he will be a seasoned two-year-old when he takes the court in 2007.
One group that will not be skeptical is Donovan’s fellow SEC coaches. This season LSU proved that it could excel in league play with a Big Baby. The Tigers only had one baby and still reached the Final Four. Florida will have three, so the sky is the limit for the Gators. Also, Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl is proof that even if you’re unable to dress yourself, you can still succeed in the SEC.
The Sampras and Agassi children will surely have a unique presence in college basketball. However, you won’t be able to tell them apart from other players when they get whistled for fouls. They’ll cry and throw a tantrum – just like everyone else.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
Howland To Team: "We're Playing The Florida Tigers"
All over Gainesville this weekend, fans are shouting “Go Gators!” However, UCLA head coach Ben Howland is calling his NCAA championship game opponent by a different name. Howland is insisting that his players refer to Florida as the Tigers.
The Bruin coach conceived this strategy based on his team’s previous two victories. UCLA defeated the Memphis Tigers 50-45 to advance to the Final Four. Yesterday the Bruins dominated the LSU Tigers 59-45. Therefore, it makes sense for Howland to convince his players that they are taking on another set of Tigers. With his team on board, he believes that UCLA will also hold Florida to 45 points.
The Tiger phenomenon is not a new development for UCLA. The signature win of the program’s last national title run in 1995 was a last-second thriller over the Missouri Tigers, thanks to Tyus Edney’s full-court dash. The school’s previous Final Four appearance in 1980 was earned due to a regional final victory over the Clemson Tigers. And in 1973, John Wooden captured his seventh consecutive national title with a triumph over the Memphis State Tigers. Bill Walton shot an amazing 21 for 22 from the floor in that contest. If he had been facing the Memphis State Bulldogs, he would have been lucky to make half his shots.
However, UCLA’s fortunes versus Tigers took a turn for the worse after the 1995 national title. In 1996 the Princeton Tigers stunned the defending champions 43-41 as Pete Carril outfoxed the UCLA head coach. I did not mention that Bruin leader by name because it seemed ridiculous to include Princeton and Jim Harrick in the same sentence. The Missouri Tigers eliminated UCLA in the 2002 Sweet 16, and the Bruins regularly lost to Stanford, alma mater of Tiger Woods. The school was even denied entrance to the American League Central, depriving it of the opportunity to dominate the Detroit Tigers.
Howland’s hiring in 2003 ensured that things would be different in Westwood. He made two pledges in his initial press conference as the UCLA coach. First, his teams would always be tenacious on defense. Secondly, the Bruins would not lose tournament games to Tigers. Those promises are evident in Howland’s mantra: “Defense wins championships. Tigers don’t.”
Knowing the effectiveness of Howland’s approach, Florida head coach Billy Donovan continues to emphasize that his team is not called the Tigers. Donovan has arranged for groups of Florida supporters to tail the UCLA team, shouting “Go Gators!” Florida stars Joakim Noah and Taurean Green were seen walking around their hotel lobby, holding signs proclaiming, “I’m a Gator – Not a Tiger!” Donovan even enlisted the aid of Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. Irwin e-mailed his SportsCenter commercial to UCLA guards Jordan Farmar and Aaron Afflalo, noting, “Crikey! That’s not a tiger I’ve got a hold of!”
It remains to be seen if Howland’s strategy will pay off with a championship. Even if his players do not believe that they are facing the Tigers, Howland has a back-up plan. Florida’s previous championship game appearance resulted in a loss to Michigan State in 2000. So tomorrow night, UCLA will be led onto the court by Mateen Cleaves.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Joni Mitchell To Head MLB Steroid Investigation
Reports surfaced Wednesday that Major League Baseball will conduct an investigation into past steroid use by players. Initial word indicated that George Mitchell, former majority leader of the U.S. Senate, would oversee this effort. However, those reports turned out to be erroneous. In fact, singer-songwriter Joni Mitchell will head the investigation.
Mitchell’s appointment surprised most observers, who had assumed that someone from the legal or political community would be chosen. However, commissioner Bud Selig made his selection in response to calls for someone truly independent of Major League Baseball. Joni Mitchell has never played or served in the front office for a major league team. Her ties to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young – the starting infield for the 1973 Texas Rangers – do not appear to present a conflict of interest.
San Francisco Chronicle reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams set the process in motion with their new book “Game of Shadows.” The authors allege that San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds used numerous performance-enhancing drugs during a five-year period beginning in 1998. The revelations further increased public skepticism about the legitimacy of home run records set by Mark McGwire in 1998 and Bonds in 2001. Bonds continued to deny the allegations against him, citing the outlandishness of the authors’ previous book, “The Bambino Code.” In that work, Fainuru-Wada and Williams claimed that Babe Ruth’s Hall of Fame plaque contains clues to secret societies and 2000 year-old conspiracies.
Bonds has never tested positive for performance-enhancing substances. However, the time period referenced in the book took place before Major League Baseball instituted a drug-testing policy. With public pressure mounting, Selig determined that an investigation into the years prior to 2003 was necessary. It will be difficult for the league to penalize anyone found to have used steroids prior to the institution of the policy. However, sources close to the commissioner indicated that any offenders would be rebuked with a stern “Dude, that’s uncool.”
Selig made a strong statement by selecting a prominent singer-songwriter from the 1960s and 70s to head the effort. Members of that group are known to be particularly harsh on illegal drug use. The commissioner apparently considered Bob Dylan, but due to the large media interaction involved, he opted for someone who can speak English. Mitchell is reportedly looking forward to the press conferences. After she answers questions from reporters, she will pull out her guitar and take song requests.
Ironically, sources claim that Bonds is a huge fan of Mitchell and privately cited her as a major influence on his steroid use. In “A Case of You,” Mitchell sings, “Oh but you are in my blood…You’re my holy wine…You’re so bitter, bitter and so sweet.” According to a former Giants teammate, Bonds recited these lyrics in the locker room while gazing lovingly at pharmaceutical bottles. The player added that Mitchell’s song title “Both Sides Now” was Barry’s response when asked which buttock in which he preferred to be injected.
Mitchell is sure to be outspoken, having recently referred to today’s music industry as a “cesspool.” That word could also be applied to the current environment around Barry Bonds. Not the steroid allegations - the National League West.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Why George Mason Will Win the National Title
Yesterday George Mason stunned the sports world with an overtime victory over top-seeded
They won’t see Hofstra at the Final Four. The Pride provided the Patriots with their final two defeats of the season, including one in the conference tournament.
George Mason is similar to Perry Mason. Perry Mason consistently won IN court. George Mason consistently wins ON the court.
George Mason can decide its own fate, unlike Marsha Mason and James Mason. Between them, Marsha and James Mason were nominated for seven Academy Awards, but neither won an Oscar. In contrast, George Mason does not have to rely on voters to decide whether it wins or loses.
Other DC-area teams have won before. George Mason could join the 1984
George Mason won NCAA titles in women’s soccer in 1985 and men’s indoor track in 1996. Obviously the school is destined for one national championship each decade.
Scott Cherry is an assistant coach for George Mason. Cherry was a member of
George Mason is undefeated all-time versus SEC teams in the postseason. The Patriots defeated
The program had no NCAA tournament victories before this season. George Mason was clearly due and is making up for lost time.
George Mason features Jai Lewis, not Guy Lewis. Guy Lewis reached five Final Fours as the coach at
Dr. Alan Merten is the president of George Mason. Merten was the dean of the
Page 2 of the George Mason media guide indicates the best time to reach coach Jim Larranaga. This note displays politeness and shows that Larranaga is approachable. Good things happen to good people. By the way, the best time is between 10am and noon, Monday through Friday.
They own schools from the 2000 Final Four. George Mason has already defeated
The colonial statesman George Mason has been called “the father of the Bill of Rights.” Mason continually lobbied for the Bill of Rights to be added to the Constitution. The Patriots follow their namesake’s example by being tenacious on the court. They also benefited from a provision in the Bill of Rights allowing mid-major conferences to receive multiple NCAA tournament bids.
George Mason will have to wait until next Monday to win the national championship. However, the Patriots have already won the hearts of the nation’s sports fans. In doing so, the program represents something truly unusual in the DC area these days: a George with a high approval rating.
Friday, March 24, 2006
LSU Caps Successful Season For UNC Fans
In October,
Three things needed to take place for this to be considered a successful year for
Secondly, UNC would have to continue its home winning streak against Clemson. On February 4,
The final key to a successful season for UNC fans was that Duke could not win the national championship. Last year,
The Blue Devils appeared to be a major threat to bring home the trophy this season. They finished 14-2 in conference and won the ACC tournament. As a result, they entered the NCAA tournament as the #1 overall seed. However, those credentials and the presence of Mike Krzyzewski on the bench could not offset a phrase that will cause nightmares for Dukies for years to come: “J.J. Redick in March.”
In LSU’s 62-54 victory last night, Redick finished with 11 points on 3-18 shooting. Over his career, in games during the Sweet 16 and beyond, he shot 24-87 (28%) from the field. As a result, college basketball observers are speculating that “J.J.” stands for “Jittery Jumpers.” However, Redick apparently has an admirer in Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. The Duke guard was able to accomplish what Manning has been unable to do so far: play his best ball in January.
So even though George Mason is in action tonight instead of the Tar Heels, UNC fans will be in a good mood. The loss to the Patriots was disappointing, particularly since you would not expect an entire state (
From this point on, Tar Heel supporters will only have to see Coach K when his Chevy commercials appear on the screen. It’s the second straight year that Krzyzewski’s ads have run endlessly during the tournament. It’s also the second straight tournament in which the top-seeded Blue Devils have failed to reach the Elite Eight. With that in mind, expect UNC fans to lobby for more endorsement opportunities for Coach K.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Tagliabue's Retirement Plan
On Monday, NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue announced that he will retire in July. Tagliabue has had a highly regarded tenure since replacing Pete Rozelle in 1989. No work stoppages have occurred on his watch, and the NFL’s popularity towers over other professional sports leagues.
The departing commissioner has an endless number of possibilities for what he can do next. One can only imagine what suggestions that other public figures who have retired would have for him. Here’s how a few individuals – past and present - might have advised Tagliabue on how to spend his retirement.
Keith Jackson: Return in the fall, but only as the commissioner for west coast teams
Michael Jordan: Try your luck at minor league baseball
Jim Brown: Become a film action hero
Sugar Ray Leonard: Un-retire a bunch of times before the retirement actually sticks
Richard Nixon: Fly off in a helicopter and get pardoned by Gerald Ford
Johnny Carson: Before you go, get Bette Midler to come by and sing to you
Roger Clemens: Keep people in the dark about whether you’re really retiring or not
Bill Clinton: Have your wife run for the Senate
John Wooden: Watch as replacements regularly get hired, then fired for not measuring up to you
Grace Kelly: Marry a European prince
Mark McGwire: Refuse to talk about the past
Joe Namath: Show up drunk on the sideline and hit on a reporter
Ted Koppel: Have three people take your place
Secretariat: Get put out to stud, siring potential future commissioners
Joe Paterno: Retire? What does that mean?
Tagliabue does not plan to immediately move into a retirement home. However, when that day arrives, the facility will surely be equipped with luxury boxes. And the bingo games will be played under a revenue-sharing agreement.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Mid-Majors & Lee Majors: A Comparison
The mid-majors have had a huge impact on the NCAA tournament thus far. George Mason knocked off Michigan State and defending champion North Carolina to reach the Sweet Sixteen – very close to home in Washington, D.C. They will meet revenge-minded Wichita State on Friday in a rematch of last month’s Bracket Buster showdown. One night earlier, the Bradley Braves take on top-seeded Memphis after taking down Kansas and Pittsburgh.
As a result, the mid-majors will have a starring role in the CBS lineup on Thursday and Friday. They will thereby emulate Lee Majors, a prime-time mainstay throughout the 1960s, 70s, and 80s. The mid-majors and Lee Majors share numerous similarities, as shown below.
Lee Majors: Cast member on The Big Valley
Mid-Majors: Wichita State and Bradley are members of the Missouri Valley
Lee Majors: Played Heath Barkley on The Big Valley
Mid-Majors: Bradley alumnus Hersey Hawkins played with Charles Barkley in Philly
Lee Majors: Best known as Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man
Mid-Majors: George Mason neutralized Tyler Hansbrough, a future multi-million dollar man
Lee Majors: Steve Austin was put back together by surgeons
Mid-Majors: Wichita State was put together by coach Mark Turgeon
Lee Majors: Steve Austin: “Better than he was before. Better, stronger, faster.”
Mid-Majors: Better than they were before. Better, stronger, faster.
Lee Majors: In carrying out government missions, Steve Austin was a patriot
Mid-Majors: George Mason’s team is known as the Patriots
Lee Majors: Steve Austin teamed up with Jaime Sommers, a/k/a The Bionic Woman
Mid-Majors: Bradley’s leading scorer is Marcellus Sommerville
Lee Majors: Appeared on millions of lunchboxes during the heyday of The Six Million Dollar Man
Mid-Majors: Wichita State alums Dan and Frank Carney provided lunches to millions by founding Pizza Hut
Lee Majors: Starred as The Fall Guy
Mid-Majors: George Mason guard Tony Skinn caused a guy to fall, after punching him in the family jewels
Lee Majors: Played a character named Colt on The Fall Guy
Mid-Majors: After playing basketball at Bradley, tight end Marcus Pollard spent ten years with the Colts
Lee Majors: Co-starred on The Fall Guy with Heather Thomas
Mid-Majors: George Mason’s starting lineup includes Will Thomas
Lee Majors: Is currently on marriage number four
Mid-Majors: George Mason eliminated two of last season’s Final Four
Lee Majors: Ex-wife Farrah Fawcett was featured on a famous swimsuit poster
Mid-Majors: Wichita State alumnus Xavier McDaniel was often posterized by Michael Jordan
It remains to be seen whether the mid-majors can continue their heroics later this week. If they do, chances are they’ll be running in slow motion and making bionic sound effects.
Friday, March 17, 2006
March Madness Limericks
Today provides two huge reasons to celebrate – St. Patrick’s Day, and another full day of NCAA tournament action. To honor the Big Dance and all things Irish, I will share these March Madness limericks with you. Feel free to raise a glass before enjoying them.
When it’s time for your office pool
Be careful when picking your school
If they lose right away
Co-workers will say
“Have fun in last place, you fool”
It’s a big time for all the mid-majors
Who could bring huge returns on your wagers
When they beat a top seed
Lots of fans will have need
For a couple of shots of Jager
When a shocking bid went to Air Force
As the Illini
Bid the Falcons goodbye
The Bearcats remarked “Of course!”
Last week A&M was in trouble
As they struggled with life on the bubble
Now they’re into round two
To take on LSU
After leaving the
There is a 9 seed named Bucknell
Thanks to them last year
Now the Bison are back
So beware Razorbacks
Or you’ll have 40 minutes of hell
When IU hit from long range late
They survived
For at least one more round
So the pleas for Steve Alford can wait
When Pacific matched up with BC
They battled through double OT
The Eagles were winners
Relieving Al Skinner
Who thought “these nail-biters kill me”
When it seemed that Gonzaga would crack
Morrison put them on his back
He scored 35
So the Zags would survive
Unlike the
Last season the title was
But this year he had to coach boys
All the critics threw up
As the freshmen grew up
And the Heels plan to make some more noise
It was hard for fans to believe
When a two seed the Vols received
Many thought they would drop
Right away to
Until Lofton’s last-second heave
Now UCLA’s on a roll
With a Final Four berth as a goal
But if things fall apart
The fans can take heart
That USC lost the Rose Bowl
The Longhorns feel they have a chance
To celebrate next to Jim Nantz
Then
And claim the best jocks
As the hoopsters join Vince Young and Lance
Villanova has claimed a top seed
Thanks to guards with impressive speed
Though their team may be short
They feel a frontcourt
Is something they don’t really need
There is a proud coach named Calhoun
Who has Williams, Gay, Brown, and Boone
If his team comes to play
They could go all the way
But they might just as easily swoon
A top seed again goes to Duke
Whose success is surely no fluke
But when Dickie V screams
His love for this team
It makes other fans want to puke
When the tourney wraps up for the year
Then “One Shining Moment” you’ll hear
You may think it’s wrong
But this sappy song
Brings basketball fans to tears
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
MLB Teams To Wear Throwback Togas On Ides of March
Major league baseball has always been keenly aware of history. Long after their deaths, Babe Ruth and Jackie Robinson remain household names in
This activity continues commissioner Bud Selig’s efforts to reach out internationally in the midst of the World Baseball Classic. By honoring a former leader from a different part of the world, Selig hopes to add more fans from that region. Teams were willing to go along with the plan, as long as the tribute occurred in the pre-season. Last season, the commissioner faced widespread resistance in his attempt to do something similar on May 5, the anniversary of Napoleon’s death. Because those games would have counted in the standings, Selig’s plan to play only short guys with French accents on that date was emphatically rejected.
Most importantly, as the Latin influence on the major leagues continues to grow, baseball will honor someone who spoke Latin. White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen is particularly excited to pay tribute to the legendary Roman. Caesar’s phrase Veni, vidi, vici (“I came, I saw, I conquered”) was particularly meaningful to Guillen after his team swept the Astros to win the World Series. Ozzie plans to research more of Caesar’s favorite phrases, hoping to learn how to use profanity in a dead language.
Caesar’s assassination did have many parallels to present-day baseball. Like a hitting coach, Brutus reportedly told his fellow Roman senators to “go out there and take some cuts.” Unfortunately for Caesar, the Roman senators made far better contact than the Washington Senators. He was stabbed 23 times, with his attackers pausing during the 17th stabbing stretch to sing “Take Me Out To the Senate.” The most aggressive attackers were twin brothers Jose and Ozzie Augustus, who gave birth to the phrase “twin killing.”
Surprisingly, one of Selig’s biggest supporters in this effort is Yankees owner George Steinbrenner. This spring, The Boss has been vocal in his criticism of the commissioner and his ardor for the World Baseball Classic. However, Steinbrenner is eager to have his team display its pinstriped togas versus
The tribute could bring some awkward situations during play, with base running to be particularly affected. Sliding while wearing togas could easily lead to cuts, and running around in sandals will hamper speed on the basepaths. Also, laurel wreaths will not be as effective as baseball caps in keeping the sun out of players’ eyes. On the plus side, the numbers on the back of the togas will be in Roman numerals.
Beginning on Thursday, the togas used in Wednesday’s games will be available for bidding on Ebay. Look for the toga of Barry Bonds to be the most coveted item. In the clubhouse, the Giants slugger has often emulated Caesar in the Roman senate. He’s had lots of things stuck into his body.
