A March Madness Guide, From A To Z

The field of 65 has been set, so college basketball fans are ready for some Madness! Bubble talk will give way to brackets, buzzer-beaters, and Buckeyes. But “B” isn’t the only letter in effect for the Big Dance. Here’s an NCAA tournament guide, from A to Z.


Atlanta: It’s where everyone wants to wind up for the Final Four. Braves fans will be stunned to see a packed house for postseason games.

Butler: The fifth-seeded Bulldogs hope to reach the Sweet 16, as they did in 2003 with guard Darnell Archey. This is a rare opportunity to work a guy named Archey into the blog.

Central Connecticut State: College hoops fans will be conflicted about this team. They’re a 16 seed, so everyone will want to root for them. But they’re called the Blue Devils, so everyone will want to hate them.

Diddley Squat: What you’ll accomplish at work this Thursday and Friday, if you actually go.

Eagles: The nickname for five teams in the field (two of which are the Golden variety). As is the case in the NFL, none of the Eagles will win the title.

Foresight: What the preseason USA Today/ESPN coaches’ poll had, as the top 4 of Florida, North Carolina, Kansas, and Ohio State wound up as the #1 seeds. LSU barely missed out on that projected #2 seed.

Gainesville: A town that wants to hold yet another victory party. Over the past year, the word “celebration” has been heard more here than at a Kool & the Gang concert.

Hoyas: As coach of red-hot Georgetown, John Thompson III has proven that you can thrive in D.C. at the same job your dad held. Assuming that job is outside the White House.

In-State: For the second straight year, UCLA can secure a Final Four berth without exiting California. If you saw the weather out here today, you wouldn’t want to leave, either.

Jim Nantz: He’ll spend the early part of April announcing the Final Four and the Masters, two months after doing the Super Bowl. It sounds like every guy’s dream, but it comes at a heavy price: working with Billy Packer.

Kentucky and Villanova: With so many Wildcats in the field, some of them were bound to play each other.

Lone Ranger: Formerly the most famous masked man, he’s been replaced by UNC’s Tyler Hansbrough.

March Madness: If Tennessee wins its regional, that’s what Bruce Pearl will provide during Final Four week.

Niagara and Florida A&M: The winner of this play-in game has to face Kansas. But lately, a first-round date with the Jayhawks hasn’t been such a bad thing.

Ohio State: The Buckeyes are #1 in the polls as they chase a national championship. If their first tournament points come from Ted Ginn, Jr., they’re screwed.

Preakness: With Kentucky and Belmont in the field, it’s the only Triple Crown race not represented.

Quakers: 14th-seeded Penn will likely be in the Pacman Jones position against Texas A&M: on the wrong side of the Law.

Ryan: As usual, Wisconsin coach Bo Ryan has a tough defensive team. Among Ryans, only Nolan has been harder on opposing offenses.

Stan: A name that many critics feel does not belong in the tourney, represented by coach Stan Heath of Arkansas, as well as Stanford. In response, officials at Drexel plan to expel all students named Stan.

This Year’s George Mason: Already a tiresome cliché, it’s currently the second-most overused phrase in sports, behind “Tom Brady is the father.”

Uniforms: The basis on which the winner of your pool will make their picks, while you’re pulling an all-nighter looking at scouting reports.

Vanderbilt: The Big Dance is an appropriate place for The Commodores. But if you hear the phrase “Brick House,” they’ve gone home early.

Wright State and Jackson State: I’ve been out of school for a while, but when did Wright and Jackson become states? I’d say the same about Weber State, but as a UNC alum I shouldn’t joke about them.

Xavier: Sure, it’s a predictable cop-out to go with Xavier. But they’re in the field, unlike Xanadu State or Xenophobia Tech.

Youth: Freshmen will play a huge role in this tournament. Some experts say that Kevin Durant could “pull a Carmelo,” so they must be expecting him to punch a guy from the Knicks.

Zero: The number of quality opponents faced by Memphis in Conference USA.

College Hoops Before & After

With March Madness kicking off next Thursday, the time is right for an edition of “College Hoops Before and After!” Every once in a while, I do a “Sports Before and After” column as a way of paying homage to my Jeopardy! experience. As with the “Before and After” category on the show, the answer to each clue combines two different subjects, with the end of the first part being the beginning of the second. For example, if asked for the animated Canadian mountie who’s the ACC Player of the Year, you would answer “Jared Dudley Do-Right.”

Now that you’re prepared, go ahead and try your luck! Every entry relates to someone or something that’s involved with this year’s NCAA tournament. Answers are listed at the end, and there’s no need to phrase your responses in the form of a question.


1. Horizon League champion who starts at forward for North Carolina

2. 2003 Diane Lane movie about the league represented by North Texas

3. 1984 Laura Branigan hit about the Kansas head coach

4. Bowtie-wearing pundit who’s the Big Ten Player of the Year

5. Tournament-ending song about a presidential airplane

6. Memphis-led league that sang “We Are the World”

7. Hit ABC drama about a Pittsburgh center

8. 1998 Valparaiso hero who plays guard for Michigan State

9. Katherine Anne Porter novel about a UCLA forward

10. Nevada head coach who’s a “Fair and Balanced” network

11. Florida big man who was a long-time ER cast member

12. Mariska Hargitay series about a clutch Texas A&M guard

13. 1980 Clint Eastwood movie about a controversial CBS commentator

14. John Milton poem about Indiana’s head coach

15. Led Zeppelin album about the Patriot League champion

16. Animated female character who plays guard for Maryland

17. Tennessee head coach who wrote The Good Earth

18. Mountain West Conference member who sang “Bust a Move”

19. Dean Cain/Teri Hatcher series about a CBS studio analyst

20. Southern Illinois star who won an Oscar for Paper Moon

21. Bookstore chain named for the Texas head coach

22. Hooterville-set sitcom about a Georgetown forward

23. Star Oregon guard who won four CMA Awards in 2006

24. 1984 Billy Idol hit about Ohio State’s nickname

25. Daily Show network that won the Northeast Conference


ANSWERS:

1. Brandan Wright State

2. Under the Tuscan Sun Belt Conference

3. Bill Self Control

4. Alando Tucker Carlson

5. Air Force One Shining Moment

6. Conference USA For Africa

7. Aaron Gray’s Anatomy

8. Bryce Drew Neitzel

9. Josh Shipp of Fools

10. Mark Fox News Channel

11. Joakim Noah Wyle

12. Acie Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

13. Bronco Billy Packer

14. Kelvin Sampson Agonistes

15. Houses of the Holy Cross

16. D.J. Strawberry Shortcake

17. Bruce Pearl Buck

18. Brigham Young MC

19. Lois & Clark Kellogg

20. Jamaal Tatum O’Neal

21. Rick Barnes & Noble

22. Jeff Green Acres

23. Aaron Brooks & Dunn

24. Buckeyes Without A Face

25. Comedy Central Connecticut State

A Comparison Of Mavericks

With Tuesday’s 102-89 victory over the New Jersey Nets, the Dallas Mavericks increased their winning streak to 16 games and, amazingly with 22 games remaining, clinched a playoff berth. The Chicago Bears have lost more recently than the Mavs, who are a stunning 51-5 since dropping their opening four contests of the season.

Like a certain high-flying character named Maverick, the Dallas Mavericks came onto the scene in the 1980s. That Maverick was the box office champ in 1986. These Mavericks are hungry for a title this year. Here are some other comparisons between the Mavericks.


Maverick: Star of Top Gun
Dallas Mavericks: Topped Suns in conference finals

Maverick: Tormented by memories of Goose
Dallas Mavericks: Jason Terry tormented by memories of the Hawks

Maverick: Turned back a foreign threat
Dallas Mavericks: Dirk Nowitzki is a foreign threat

Maverick: Learned never to leave his wingman
Dallas Mavericks: Defensive ace Josh Howard plays on the wing and never leaves his man

Maverick: Father was listed as missing in action
Dallas Mavericks: Defense used to be missing in action

Maverick: Was put down by Hot Shots!
Dallas Mavericks: Were put down by Heat shots

Maverick: Continually tested his instructors’ patience
Dallas Mavericks: Mark Cuban continually tests David Stern’s patience

Maverick: “I. Went. To. The. Danger Zone!”
Dallas Mavericks: Are dangerous against a zone

Dallas Mavericks: Play in the Lone Star State
Maverick: Played by a loon star

Maverick: Part of “the best of the best”
Dallas Mavericks: The best of the West

Maverick: Felt the need for speed
Dallas Mavericks: Devin Harris fills the need for speed

Maverick: Battled against Russian MiGs
Dallas Mavericks: Battle against a Chinese Ming

Dallas Mavericks: Are great in the American Airlines Center
Maverick: A great American who put it on the line in the air

Maverick: Nights with Charlie would “Take my breath awaaaaay…”
Dallas Mavericks: Nights with Dwyane Wade took their rings away

Maverick: Flourished in a Jerry Bruckheimer production
Dallas Mavericks: Flourish thanks to Jerry Stackhouse’s production

Maverick: Commander Viper spent a long career in the Navy
Dallas Mavericks: Commander Johnson spent a long career with a center from the Navy

Maverick: Accused by Iceman of not being a team player
Dallas Mavericks: In the same town as Terrell Owens

Maverick: Was a hot-shot flyer
Dallas Mavericks: Providence product Austin Croshere was a hot-shot Friar

Maverick: Felt entitled to break the rules
Dallas Mavericks: As NBA players, feel entitled to break the traveling rule

Maverick: Sang You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’
Dallas Mavericks: They’ve lost that losin’ feelin’

Top 10 Excuses For Gerald Henderson

Yesterday in the Dean Smith Center, North Carolina completed a regular season sweep of Duke with an 86-72 victory. The rivalry game was fairly unremarkable until 14.5 seconds remained. At that juncture, Duke’s Gerald Henderson bloodied the face of UNC’s Tyler Hansbrough with a flagrant foul, permanently earning villain status in Chapel Hill.

Henderson was ejected and will miss Duke’s first round ACC tournament game versus NC State on Thursday. However, he did have numerous explanations for his already infamous play. Here are the top 10 reasons for Gerald Henderson’s flagrant foul.


10. He wanted to show the Duke football team how to hit someone.

9. He was attempting to block the shot, assuming Hansbrough was trying to shoot his head into the basket.

8. He didn’t feel like playing next Thursday night anyway – that’s Ugly Betty time!

7. Ticky-tack ACC refs insist on calling a foul when you elbow a guy in the face and make him bleed.

6. He would have stepped on him, but he didn’t want to steal Laettner’s move.

5. He just hasn’t been himself since Anna Nicole left us.

4. You’d be pissed off, too, if you went to Duke and wound up on a crappy team.

3. He wanted to prove that unlike J.J. Redick, he could connect in the last 15 seconds of a game.

2. He figured the flagrant foul would be put on Pete Gaudet’s record.

AND…

1. As a Duke defender, he was trying to slap the floor when Hansbrough’s face got in the way.

Rough Week For Recent Champs

Over the past three seasons, Connecticut, North Carolina, and Florida have each experienced the thrill of an NCAA basketball championship. Those glorious memories stand in stark contrast to the past two games for each school. For the Huskies, Tar Heels, and Gators, the past week has been one to forget.


Things were different just nine days ago on February 21, when all three teams captured victories. UNC avenged an earlier loss to NC State with an 83-64 triumph over the Wolfpack. Florida claimed a 63-49 win over South Carolina, who had beaten the Gators twice last season. UConn got the best of Rutgers by a 65-55 margin. According to Huskies coach Jim Calhoun, the key to the victory was “showing up at Rutgers for a basketball game.”


However, the three titans have only tasted defeat since then. UConn’s losses are not a major surprise, given the up-and-down season for the extremely young team. The Huskies fell 76-69 on Sunday to Louisville as the Cardinals completed a season sweep. The only stunning aspect of the game is that two teams in the 38-member Big East actually played each other twice. On Wednesday, UConn fell 78-74 to a Villanova team that likely secured an NCAA berth. Wildcat freshman Scottie Reynolds scored 40 points before fouling out with 40 seconds left, with Villanova shooting 40 percent for the game. With so many 40’s on the premises, Gampel Pavilion seemed like a 7-11 parking lot.


Unlike the Huskies, the Tar Heels were not supposed to endure a losing streak. On Sunday, UNC squandered a double-digit lead in the last eight minutes of an 89-87 heartbreaker at red-hot Maryland. That night, the big winner at the Oscars was The Departed, a description of the Heels’ second-half defense and rebounding. Coach Roy Williams was not any happier last night, as Carolina dropped an 84-77 contest at Georgia Tech. Another UNC Williams – Marvin Williams of the 2005 national championship squad – was stunned by the result. As a member of the Hawks, Marvin never expects the home team to win a basketball game in Atlanta. There is one silver lining to the Heels’ sub-par performance. If they continue to look like that, they won’t have to worry about playing in Atlanta again this season.


The Gators seemed particularly immune to a slide, having returned all five starters from last year’s national championship run. However, coach John Brady led struggling LSU to a 66-56 upset over Billy Donovan’s visitors on Saturday. As in Super Bowl XXXIX, Brady got the best of Donovan. This Donovan didn’t get to throw to T.O., but he probably did want to puke in a late-game huddle. On Tuesday, Florida went down 86-76 at Tennessee. There was one sight in Knoxville that no one ever would have expected. Not Pat Summitt in a cheerleading outfit, but Peyton Manning at a game where his Vols beat the Gators.


UConn will be expected to lose again on Saturday, as it travels to ninth-ranked Georgetown. On the other hand, UNC and Florida will get to return home as they take on traditional powerhouses on Sunday. If Kentucky falls to the Gators for a sixth straight time, Wildcat fans may feed coach Tubby Smith to some actual gators. As the Tar Heels get ready for Duke, they can be encouraged by the fact that they beat the Blue Devils on February 7 after coming off a loss. Since UNC enters this one after two straight defeats, they should play twice as well.


It is worth noting that the Huskies, Tar Heels, and Gators last won on Ash Wednesday. Perhaps each team waited a day before giving up victories for Lent. Or maybe they heeded the words of Genesis 3:19, a passage sometimes uttered by priests as they place ashes on worshipers’ foreheads: “Remember that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return.”

Oscar Notables & Their Sports Counterparts

Another edition of the Academy Awards is in the books. Like March Madness, you had fans entering pools and celebrating the winners. The Oscar participants also share some similarities to the athletic world. Here are some sports counterparts for all the acting nominees, as well as a few other notables from Sunday’s ceremony.


BEST ACTOR:

Forest Whitaker: Dikembe Mutombo. Whitaker was quite convincing as an African big man.

Leonardo DiCaprio: Tom Brady. Both have dated Giselle Bündchen. Plus, in an early draft of Titanic, Leo’s drowning was reversed by the Tuck Rule.

Ryan Gosling: Bruce Pearl. Gosling played a drug-addicted teacher and basketball coach. Pearl is a basketball coach who acts like he’s on drugs.

Peter O’Toole: Joe Paterno. They came to prominence in the 1960s and are still as feisty as ever.

Will Smith: Roger Federer. Smith rules the box office over the 4th of July weekend, while Federer also collects high-profile titles in July.

BEST ACTRESS:

Helen Mirren: Julio Franco. Mirren looks great for her age and won for The Queen. Franco looks great for his age and wins in Queens.

Penelope Cruz: Pau Gasol. Like Gasol with the Memphis Grizzlies, Cruz is a native of Spain who was a longshot to win.

Judi Dench: Devin Hester. The Dame won an Oscar for Shakespeare in Love in just eight minutes on screen. Hester also makes an unforgettable impact in a brief time span.

Meryl Streep: Albert Pujols. You just take it for granted that they’ll be in awards contention every year.

Kate Winslet: Colin Montgomerie. They’re Brits who have been close many times, but haven’t yet won the big prize.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS:

Jennifer Hudson: Eli Manning. Hudson’s victory was due to her show-stopping singing of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going,” which is what Eli said about San Diego.

Adriana Barraza: Bill Bidwell. Like Barraza’s character, the Arizona Cardinals owner has had nothing but misery in the desert.

Cate Blanchett: Serena Williams. They’re fashionable, have great range, and have been cheered in Australia.

Abigail Breslin: Michelle Wie. Like Wie at PGA tournaments, Breslin’s character was a girl who entered a competition where many felt she didn’t belong.

Rinko Kikuchi: Daisuke Matsuzaka. They’re young Japan natives who have not been seen by most Americans.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR:

Alan Arkin: Bobby Knight. On his way to victory, Arkin acted as a foul-mouthed old man.

Jackie Earle Haley: George Foreman. They were in the limelight in the 70s, disappeared for a long time, and came back better than anyone could have expected.

Djimon Hounsou: Mike Krzyzewski. They’re filled with intensity, and most Americans can’t spell their names.

Eddie Murphy: Charles Barkley. They became famous in the 80s, and they’re interesting when they’re serious. But you always want them to be funny.

Mark Wahlberg: Dirk Nowitzki. Wahlberg portrayed a high-scoring Dirk in Boogie Nights.

OTHERS OF NOTE:

Ellen DeGeneres: Alfonso Soriano. Like the host of the Oscars, the new Chicago Cub will be a daytime star.

Al Gore: Vince Young. They lost out in the voting to a Bush, but respect for them has grown ever since.

Martin Scorsese: Dean Spanos. Like the Chargers president, Scorsese said goodbye to the Marty who couldn’t win the big one.

Saturday For The Tigers - Great In The SEC, Miserable Elsewhere

Of all sports nicknames, “Tigers” is one of the most common. Since we’re in February, the Detroit Tigers are not yet in action. However, the college basketball world offered plenty of Tigers on Saturday. Their success depended entirely on what conference to which they belonged. It was a huge day for Tigers in the SEC, but depressing for all the other Tigers.


The LSU Tigers made the biggest splash with a 66-56 stunner over #3 Florida in Baton Rouge. Although the game matched two of last year’s Final Four, the Bayou Bengals were heavy underdogs as they entered with 9 losses in their previous 10 games. However, they got 18 points from Terry Martin and 17 from Garrett Temple, and they shut down the high-powered Gators on the defensive end. The Tigers even pulled off the shocker without leading scorer and rebounder Glen “Big Baby” Davis. Official reports attributed his absence to a pulled right quadriceps. Reportedly, as a Baby who attracts media attention, Davis was also distracted by rumors that a celebrity would try to adopt him.


Staying in the SEC, the Auburn Tigers finished off a season sweep of #25 Alabama with an 86-77 victory in Tuscaloosa. In 21 of its previous 22 trips to enemy territory, Auburn had gone home as Tusca-Losers. However, Quan Prowell and Korvotney Barber each scored 17 points to put the Crimson Tide’s NCAA tournament hopes in jeopardy. Responding to another loss to the hated rival school, Bama fired Mike Shula again.


Unfortunately for other Tigers, such good fortune did not extend outside the SEC. The Clemson Tigers continued their slide with a 59-54 setback at Boston College. On January 13, Clemson was 17-0 as it entered a road contest at Maryland. Things have changed quite a bit from that day, when the San Diego Chargers were the Super Bowl favorites and Britney Spears had hair. Beginning with a loss in College Park, the Tigers have dropped 9 of 11 to slip to the wrong side of the bubble. Exxon once had a slogan, “Put a tiger in your tank.” For Clemson the past six weeks, it’s been “Watch the Tigers as they tank.”


The Missouri Tigers also absorbed a bitter road defeat. Entering Saturday on a three-game winning streak, Missouri fell 82-77 in overtime at Nebraska. The setback dashed the Tigers’ faint NCAA tournament hopes, and not just because they dropped to 6-8 in Big XII play. By rule, any team that gets swept by Nebraska is automatically ineligible for the Big Dance.


All other Division I Tigers in action on Saturday went down to defeat. The Towson Tigers lost to Drexel. The Pacific Tigers did likewise to Cal State Northridge. The Princeton Tigers fell short at Harvard. And the SWAC provided a double-whammy to its Tigers, as Grambling succumbed to Arkansas-Pine Bluff and Jackson State could not handle Mississippi Valley State. You could argue that Princeton’s loss to the Crimson was cancelled out by Auburn’s win over the Crimson Tide. Plus, Towson, Grambling, and Jackson State had to deal with Dragons, Golden Lions, and Delta Devils, respectively. Those creatures sound pretty scary, but all Pacific had to do was maul a bunch of Matadors. That should be a breeze for Tigers.


The most high-profile of all Tigers had a disappointing Saturday because he was NOT in action. Tiger Woods was absent from the WGC Accenture Match Play Championship after being eliminated by Nick O’Hern in Friday’s third round. Woods is human, so his winning streak on the PGA Tour was bound to end sometime. However, the real loser was NBC, which will settle for the Geoff Ogilvy-Henrik Stenson final on Sunday. Ogilvy actually has great credentials, having won this event last year before capturing the U.S. Open. However, one NBC Sports executive asked, “Ogilvy??? Isn’t he the brainiac kid in The Bad News Bears?” Then the executive resumed his heavy drinking.


The Memphis Tigers also missed out by not seeing action on Saturday. The Conference USA schedule brings Memphis a guaranteed win every game, so John Calipari’s crew did not get their regular dose of victory this Saturday. Fortunately for the Tigers, they resume action Sunday at home against Houston. Memphis’s 13-0 league start has included 12 double-digit victories. Not that they need an edge, but the Tigers will even get to host the conference tournament at the FedEx Forum. Aware of the lack of suspense the tournament will bring, Conference USA officials are debating whether to market the event as “Bored in the USA” or “Disgraceland.”


As for Saturday, the glory belonged to the Tigers from LSU and Auburn. Last weekend, both schools were represented at NBA All-Star Weekend, as Auburn’s Charles Barkley outran Dick Bavetta, and LSU’s Shaquille O’Neal started for the Eastern Conference. Although Shaq’s team lost the game, both these former Tigers left Vegas as winners. Because neither guy hung out with Pacman Jones.

An "O.C." View Of The Sports World

After four seasons on the air, The O.C. airs its final episode on Thursday. When the show premiered in 2003, Orange County was home to the defending World Series champions and the reigning NHL Western Conference winners. Neither the Angels nor the Ducks have gotten back to those lofty heights, just as the series’ ratings have plummeted since its opening season. Nevertheless, in honor of the show’s finale, here is an “O.C.” view of today’s sports world.


In the NFL, the Omnipresent Commercial star led the Overjoyed Colts to an Overdue Championship. Since then, the Oddball Chargers hired the 49ers’ Offensive Coordinator to replace their Ousted Coach. Elsewhere, Ocho Cinco is one of the Only Cincinnati players living Outside Cellblocks.


On Campus, Florida’s Outstanding Chris Leak Outlasted Critics to inspire Orgasmic Celebrations in Gainesville. Operation Carroll, aka USC, is the early favorite for next season. The Trojans will be tested on the road by Notre Dame, Oregon, California, and the Ornery Cornhuskers.


As for baseball, the Optimistic Cardinals look to repeat. Yankee fans will call A-Rod an Overpaid Choker until he delivers in the October Clutch. Their rivals hope that Daisuke Matsuzaka is more like an Overpowering Clemens than an Oil Can Boyd. The Angels-A’s rivalry will be as intense as Obama-Clinton, with numerous battles between Orlando Cabrera and Oakland Closer Huston Street. Oriole Cal will Obey Cooperstown’s call, but Ozzie Canseco’s brother did not make the cut.


The NBA held its All-Star Game in the land of Opulent Casinos, Overflowing Cash, and Organized Crime. An Overweight Charles outran an Old Codger, while Gerald Green did more jumping than an Overexposed Cruise on Oprah’s Couch. Oklahoma City won’t win the title, but an Obvious Contender is Dallas, Owned Confidently by the Outspoken Cuban who Outrages Commissioner Stern.


Occupying College basketball’s throne, the top-ranked Gators were stunned by the Overlooked Commodores. Their Oden-Centered Ohio Challengers hope to cut down the nets, like the Orange Carmelo team and Okafor’s Connecticut Huskies. In the Buckeyes’ Own Conference, Alando Tucker is a senior star – what many Observers Considered an Outdated Concept. Offering Contrast, freshman Kevin Durant dominates Big XII Opposition Consistently, to the Ongoing Chagrin of Oklahoma, Colorado, and the rest.


Above the border, Ontario, Canada is Obsessively Crazy about the NHL. The league features great rivalries such as Oilers-Calgary and Ovechkin-Crosby. However, in the U.S., hockey is buried on an Obscure Channel.


As for individual sports, Kevin Harvick was an Opportunistic Chevy driver as he Outraced Crashes to beat the Other Cars to the finish at Daytona. Roger Federer destroyed his Outmanned Competitors on the Australian Open Courts. And Tiger Woods is always eager to Obliterate Courses, as his Overwhelmed Contemporaries Obediently Crumble.


Outfielders, Catchers, and all other players have to face the end sometime. Likewise, the Outgoing Cast of The O.C. is ready for the Official Conclusion. Ultimately, you can’t Overcome Cancellation.

Branson, Missouri To Host 2009 NBA All-Star Game

NBA All-Star Weekend wrapped up Sunday night, as MVP Kobe Bryant and Amare Stoudemire led the Western Conference to a 153-132 rout. Las Vegas was a glamorous locale for the festivities, and New Orleans will be a first-time host next year. Today, the league continued the trend of finding new cities for the event. Commissioner David Stern announced that Branson, Missouri will host the 2009 All-Star Game.


Stern indicated that the decision was a natural extension of holding the event in Las Vegas. The weekend proved that the game and surrounding activities could be held in a non-NBA city. For the next available All-Star Game, the league was determined to go back to a location without an NBA franchise. Therefore, the finalists were Branson and Atlanta.


Branson was a natural fit, since it is often referred to as the “Family-friendly Las Vegas.” Like its Nevada counterpart, it offers plenty of live music shows for visitors. Branson even has a similar slogan: “What happens in Branson? Seriously, does anything happen here?” Unlike Vegas, Branson does not have any casinos. Charles Barkley may be particularly disappointed by the absence of gambling options. However, on the bright side for Sir Charles, there will be plenty of old people around for him to race.


Branson is in a highly conservative area, so the town’s residents will have a different experience during All-Star Weekend. Unless they’re at a Charley Pride concert, they’re not used to seeing black people. Also, the pro-military townspeople will have to endure an event that mocks the importance of a strong defense. However, Branson will lend some Leave It To Beaver-style nostalgia to the event. Players in the All-Star Game will all sport buzz cuts, short shorts, and knee socks. Instead of the NBA’s prevailing hip-hop culture, this All-Star Game will embody the sock hop culture.


With that theme in mind, the Slam Dunk Contest and Three-Point Shootout will be replaced by the Bounce Pass Competition and Running Hook Shot Contest. Events will also prominently feature popular Branson entertainers. In honor of singer and Moon River Theater owner Andy Williams, the league will hold a Williams Game consisting entirely of NBA players named Williams. There will also be a tribute to the growing influence of European players, hosted by Yakov Smirnoff. Christina Aguilera will get another opportunity to perform at halftime, but only if she changes her name to Christina Osmond.


The Branson area is no stranger to high-profile basketball events. Since 2000, Keeter Gymnasium at the College of the Ozarks in nearby Point Lookout has hosted the NAIA Division II men’s basketball tournament each March. LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and others will bring their high-scoring ways to the area in 2009. However, none of them can overshadow Northwestern (Iowa) star Brandon Woudstra, who tallied 322 points in the 2000-03 tournaments. Even Kobe can’t score that many in the All-Star Game, unless it goes to overtime.


All-Star Weekend in Branson will be quite a change from the non-stop partying of Las Vegas and New Orleans. Some observers may be skeptical that the Missouri town can attract as many celebrities and fans as those cities. However, Branson is fully aware that with the NBA All-Star Game, it’s all about the show. So there’s no better place for it than the Show-Me State.

Peyton Manning To Compete In Daytona 500

On February 4, Peyton Manning fulfilled a lifelong dream as his Indianapolis Colts finally won the Super Bowl with a 29-17 triumph over the Chicago Bears. Peyton could be excused if he chose to take it easy for a while. However, the taste of victory has only made him hungry for more. With that in mind, Manning will race in Sunday’s Daytona 500.


Peyton will take the place of J.J. Yeley, starting in row 6. Yeley was slotted to drive the #18 car for Joe Gibbs Racing. However, based on the Colts’ 36-22 victory over the Washington Redskins in October, Manning had earned the right to bump any driver on Gibbs’s team. Since Peyton is synonymous with the number 18, Yeley had to give up his spot. Now, instead of leading drives for Tony Dungy, Manning will drive with Tony Stewart.


Given his lack of NASCAR experience, many fans were critical of Manning’s inclusion in the race. Considering the city in which he plays, most considered him a better fit for the Indianapolis 500. Also, he cannot compete for the Nextel Cup, since The Chase coincides with the NFL regular season. Skeptics proclaimed that Manning will be left in the dust after falling behind early. Peyton responded by referring to the opening kickoff of the Super Bowl. He came back to win, even after an opponent traveling at high speed immediately put him behind.


Sometimes called The Super Bowl of Stock Car Racing, the Daytona 500 has numerous parallels to the NFL’s showcase event. Sunday’s competition is also known as The Great American Race, and this year’s Super Bowl inspired discussions about race in America. Jimmie Johnson seeks to repeat at Daytona, just like Jimmy Johnson won back-to-back Super Bowls. Chevrolet’s four-year victory streak in the race shows a particularly strong link to football. William Clay Ford owns the Detroit Lions, so you don’t see Fords winning the Super Bowl, either.


Manning felt that he would be completely at home on the NASCAR circuit. He uses sound judgment when passing, and as a high-scoring Colt he wins with horsepower. In the same vein as the Allisons, Pettys, and Earnhardts, his primary sport is a family business. Most notably, like all NASCAR drivers he endorses a huge number of products while competing on Sundays.


During the race, Peyton will have constant reminders of his football experiences. His focus on the checkered flag will remind him of Tennessee, where he focused on the checkerboard end zone. He must periodically make pit stops, whereas last year he was stopped by Pittsburgh. Several crew chiefs have been barred from Sunday’s race, just like Manning’s Colts knocked some Chiefs out of action. As he did two weeks ago, Peyton hopes to win a championship in Florida. He feels confident because Steve Spurrier doesn’t have a car in the race.


Against the Bears, Manning captured the title that had eluded him for so long. His experience was much like Dale Earnhardt in winning the Daytona 500 at long last in 1998. Peyton will get to race Dale, Jr., but he would have gladly taken his chances against the departed legend as well. Once you’ve gotten past Brian Urlacher, no other Intimidator can scare you.

Celtics Hire Schottenheimer As Head Coach

On Monday, San Diego Chargers president Dean Spanos fired Marty Schottenheimer as the team’s head coach. The move resulted primarily due to Scottenheimer’s dysfunctional relationship with general manager A.J. Smith. However, the coach was not out of a job for long. Today, the downtrodden Boston Celtics hired Schottenheimer as their new head coach.


Schottenheimer replaces Doc Rivers, who was demoted to an assistant position rather than fired. Executive director of basketball operations Danny Ainge felt that keeping the former coach around would benefit Marty, who is accustomed to being in charge of a guy named Rivers. Schottenheimer jumped at the opportunity to coach the Celtics, since he’s been spent the past month wishing he could have seen a New England team lose. He is hoping that Chargers star LaDainian Tomlinson will watch his new team play, since there is no danger that LT will have to witness an excessive victory celebration.


The Boston roster has many familiar elements for the new coach. The Celtics include Delonte West, while San Diego is in the AFC West. Gerald Green will compete in this weekend’s NBA Slam Dunk Contest, while the Chargers also showcase a Jammer (Quentin). San Diego tight end Antonio Gates, a former Kent State hoops player, has something in common with the entire Celtics roster. His days of playing competitive basketball are in the past.


Other elements of the NBA franchise are reminiscent of San Diego. The Celtics have already lost 21 home games at TD Banknorth Garden. Marty habitually associates the number 21 with the letters TD. At times, Boston’s Paul Pierce is a lights-out shooter, while Charger Shawne Merriman is called “Lights Out” and shoots up. As for the Celtics’ familiar leprechaun mascot, Schottenheimer will go from a Merriman to a merry man.


Currently on an 18-game losing streak, Boston’s numerous shortcomings are familiar to the new coach. Last week, Schottenheimer saw defensive coordinator Wade Phillips leave to become the Dallas Cowboys’ head coach. Like the Chargers, the Celtics wish they could have a guy named Wade. In December, Boston failed to land Allen Iverson, who wound up with the Nuggets. Marty knows all about feeling disappointment after losing out to a Denver team. The Celtics’ last championship in 1986 does diverge from the Super Bowl-deprived coach. That Boston team was coached by K.C. Jones and featured Robert “Chief” Parish. With Schottenheimer, the K.C. Chiefs were not able to win a title.


Most NBA observers do not expect Schottenheimer to reverse the Celtics’ fortunes, as “Marty Ball” seemingly will lead to more defeats. Under this strategy, the Boston players will stay on the ground during the fourth quarter, rarely choosing to pass the ball. Skeptics claim that the team is intentionally courting losses in order to maximize its opportunities in the NBA draft lottery, seeking to land Greg Oden or Kevin Durant. However, there is no guarantee that the ping pong balls will go the Celtics’ way. With Marty around, those balls might even be fumbled away by Ernest Byner.


Schottenheimer will make his NBA coaching debut on Wednesday, when the Celtics host the Milwaukee Bucks. It remains to be seen how the Boston fans will receive him, but they do agree with Marty on one thing. They hate that the Lombardi Trophy is in Indy.

Today's Look At Pac-10 Hoops

The Pac-10 has often been mocked by college basketball fans outside the region in recent years. That perception has changed this season, even though conference leader UCLA (without starter Darren Collison) lost at West Virginia on Saturday. Here’s how the Pac-10 shapes up after this past weekend’s games.


UCLA: 10-2 Conference, 21-3 Overall: Guard Aaron Afflalo looks to lead the Bruins back to the Final Four. The NBA will ultimately be perfect for him: his initials are AA, and the refs let you take 12 steps.

Washington State: 10-3, 21-4: In coach Tony Bennett’s initial season after taking over for father Dick, the Cougars have won 20 games for the first time since 1993-94. Reached for comment, Tony remarked, “Dad was a real slack-ass.”

USC: 8-4, 18-7: O.J. Mayo will make the Trojans even better next year, but the prized recruit just received a three-game suspension. Reggie Bush must be involved somehow.

Oregon: 8-5, 20-5: Guard Aaron Brooks might win the Pac-10 player of the year award. Still, a confused Randy Moss blasted Brooks for not getting him the ball.

Arizona: 8-5, 17-7: After a win in Eugene, the Wildcats’ 23rd consecutive NCAA tournament bid appears safe. They’re as much of a March fixture as sloppy drunks wearing “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” buttons.

Stanford: 7-5, 15-8: The Cardinal has been boosted by freshman twins Brook and Robin Lopez. Too bad they don’t play for Arizona, where they’d be the Lute Olson Twins.

Washington: 6-7, 16-8: U-Dub still faces an uphill climb to return to the NCAA tournament. But inspiration will come from former Huskie Nate Robinson’s credo at the NBA Slam-Dunk Contest: “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again.”

California: 4-8, 12-12: The Bears have lost six in a row. Fans are blaming Rex Grossman.

Oregon State: 2-11, 10-16: The Pac-10 tournament used to exclude the bottom two teams. But could you imagine this event without the Beavers? Yeah, I could too.

Arizona State: 0-13, 6-18: Although coach Herb Sendek left NC State, his current team represents what most ACC fans would love to see: the Devils in last place.


Pac-10 commissioner Thomas Hansen is confident that the league will make him proud in March. If nothing else, he already gets points for accuracy. Unlike the Big Ten and Atlantic 10, the Pac-10 actually has 10 teams.

Heels Keep Duke On Course For Winless February

On January 28, Duke notched an impressive 75-61 victory over Boston College. The win was the fifth in a row for the Blue Devils as they closed out the month. However, the subsequent month has been far less kind to Mike Krzyzewski’s team. Duke appears doomed to endure a winless February.


Last night, the Blue Devils fell to 0-3 during the month with a 79-73 setback to hated rival North Carolina in Cameron Indoor Stadium. Freshmen carried the day on both sides. Jon Scheyer led Duke with a career-high 26 points, while Brandan Wright paced the Tar Heels with 19. Ty Lawson made the difference for UNC with several key plays down the stretch. These standouts would be the week’s most notable Diaper Dandies, if not for psycho astronaut Lisa Nowak.


The victory was Carolina’s second consecutive in Durham, so DeMarcus Nelson is the only Blue Devil to have played in a win over the Heels in Cameron. Sophomore point guard Greg Paulus has not been so fortunate. Yesterday was also national signing day for college football, so his brother Mike made it official that he will play quarterback down the road in Chapel Hill. Unlike Greg, Mike will never have to worry about winning UNC-Duke matchups.


Duke’s misfortune appeared to spread to its alumni in the NBA Wednesday night. Every player from Duke who saw action wound up with a loss. That group was represented by J.J. Redick, Elton Brand, Daniel Ewing, Mike Dunleavy, and Dahntay Jones. Four other Dukies had “DNP” next to their names in the box scores, including Redick’s Orlando Magic teammate Grant Hill. His missing a game due to injury is equally as surprising as seeing Duke players lose in the NBA.


As for the current Blue Devils, their February miseries began with a 68-66 overtime defeat at Virginia on February 1, as Sean Singletary nailed the game-winner with one second remaining. Their next loss came against Florida State, which notched its first victory in Cameron after 15 defeats. Redick’s number was retired at halftime. In a fitting tribute to his Duke days, the Blue Devils failed to hit a shot with the game on the line.


After last night’s defeat, it is clear that February will bring nothing but pain for Duke. In the post-game press conference, Coach K remarked, “I think the key to the game was OW, MY BACK!!!” If he manages to make the trip to Maryland this Sunday, he will surely want to take a side visit to the White House. It could be the only time all month that Coach K gets to see a W.


Duke’s February struggles are relevant to numerous aspects associated with the month. February is well-known as Black History Month. Blue Devil fans are honoring the occasion by reflecting on heroes such as Johnny Dawkins, Grant Hill, and Shane Battier – desperately wishing they could still suit up for Duke. Also, the birthstone for February is the purple gem amethyst. On exposure to heat, amethyst generally becomes yellow. The same is true of Duke center Josh McRoberts.


Several notable days in February also relate to the Blue Devils. On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil did not predict six more weeks of winter. However, Phil was reportedly heard whispering, “But Duke has four more weeks of losing.” On Valentine’s Day, the Devils will visit Boston College. In a nod to the Kay Jewelers commercials, the key phrase for Krzyzewski’s poor shooters will be “Every miss begins with K.” Finally, Presidents’ Day will bring a reminder that the only Duke alumnus to serve as U.S. President was Richard Nixon. Like the man who left office more than two years early, Duke’s struggles during crunch time show that they can’t finish the job, either.


The Blue Devils will get another crack at UNC on March 4. They will be decisive underdogs to knock off Roy Williams and his Tar Heels in the Dean Smith Center. But at least they won’t be in February anymore.

Super Bowl Winners, Besides The Colts

Sunday in Miami, the Colts earned their first Super Bowl title since the franchise moved to Indianapolis in 1984. The 29-17 victory over the Chicago Bears will long be remembered for making champions of quarterback Peyton Manning and head coach Tony Dungy. Besides Indy, here were some other big winners from Sunday’s showdown.


1988 Kansas Jayhawks: Sweet memories flooded back as a Manning led a team to a championship.

Auburn Fans: They’ve always been eager to see a Bear lose a big game.

Bakeries: The sloppy contest provided free publicity for places that feature turnovers.

Billy Dee Williams: His favorite drink was within one yard of the game-clinching play, as Kelvin Hayden ran back an interception from the Colt 44.

Donald Rumsfeld: The Colts proved that you can succeed in 2007, even if you were inept on defense throughout 2006.

Johnny Unitas: Since he passed away in 2002, the Baltimore legend did not have to see the Colts win a title in Indianapolis.

Kick Returners: Considering the results of the BCS national championship game and the Super Bowl, every team will want to give up a touchdown on the opening kickoff.

Midwestern State University: The Division II program produced Indy’s Dominic Rhodes, who rushed for 113 yards and a touchdown. The performance was a badly needed boost for the school, which still feels shame from giving us Dr. Phil.

Monkey Moving Services: Numerous monkeys must now relocate, since they no longer can live on the backs of Manning and Dungy. The displaced monkeys hope they can crash with their friends on Alex Rodriguez’s back.

National Hockey League: The frequent Pro Bowl promos reminded viewers that the NHL isn’t the only league with an All-Star Game no one cares about.

Paul Marcarelli: He’s the “Can you hear me now?” man for Verizon. Yesterday proved that a guy who appears in loads of commercials can go on to be the Super Bowl MVP.

Racists: They finally got to see an African-American coach lose a Super Bowl.

Steve Spurrier: Rex Grossman went down to defeat, but Spurrier can still say, “You never saw Peyton beat a Gator when I was around!”

The U: Hurricanes Devin Hester and Reggie Wayne scored the first two touchdowns, one day after Michael Irvin was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Plus, the winning team had a “U” on their helmets.

University of Phoenix Stadium: After Sunday’s rain-soaked event, next year’s Super Bowl host can brag about its retractable roof.

Saturday In College Hoops: A Day For Jimmy V

With Tony Dungy and Lovie Smith about to engage in a historic matchup, coaches have been entrenched in the sports spotlight this weekend. One day before the Super Bowl, one coach’s influence dominated the college basketball world. Surprisingly, he’s a guy who passed away 14 years ago. Saturday in college hoops was the day of Jim Valvano.


Most notably, Jimmy V’s old North Carolina State program scored an 83-79 stunner over #3 North Carolina. Despite Wednesday’s upset at Virginia Tech, the Wolfpack was given little chance to knock off the Tar Heels. Even the home court was not seen as an advantage. NCSU’s arena, the RBC Center, received its name because the Wolfpack “Rarely Beats Carolina.”


However, Valvano always relished the underdog role, and his influence must have rubbed off on one of his most notable players. First-year NC State coach Sidney Lowe was the starting point guard on Jimmy V’s 1983 NCAA championship team. The Wolfpack shot 60% in Saturday’s victory, and that strong performance proved that Lowe has successfully made adjustments this season. His earlier strategy, inspired by the classic title game stunner over Houston, had proven to be less effective. Lowe had encouraged his players to shoot airballs, figuring that Lorenzo Charles would slam them home.


Saturday’s victory was a huge boost for Lowe among the NC State faithful. Ever since Valvano left in 1990, the Wolfpack has lagged well behind UNC and Duke in the local pecking order. However, on Saturday the spirit of Jimmy V may have given the Pack some help from beyond – beyond the arc, that is, as NC State hit 8 of 15 on three-pointers. Watching the game in Tallahassee, former NCSU football coach Chuck Amato was seen screaming to the heavens, “Hey Valvano, where was that help for ME???”


Before going to Raleigh in 1980, Valvano was the head coach at Iona, where the spirit of Jimmy V was also present on Saturday. The Gaels finally notched their first victory of the season after dropping their first 22 contests. The 69-57 win over Rider came two days after Siena needed a buzzer-beater to subdue Iona. Clearly, February has been a hot month for the Gaels.


Like NC State, Iona is led by a coach who played at the school for Valvano. Jeff Ruland has been in charge since 1998, and his tenure has been largely successful. Just last season, the Gaels reached the NCAA tournament, falling to Final Four participant LSU in the first round. Since then, Iona endured the steepest one-year decline since Enron. And unlike the Washington Bullets in 1986, the Gaels could not improve their fortunes by trading Ruland for Moses Malone.


Completing his head coaching resume, Valvano also led the programs at Bucknell and Johns Hopkins. Bucknell was victorious Friday night, downing Navy 78-63. Johns Hopkins, #20 nationally in Division III, got a huge double-overtime road win at Haverford on Saturday. Clearly, Jimmy V was looking out for the visiting Blue Jays during the Centennial Conference showdown. If you leave Gooding Arena with a victory over the Fords, you know you’ve gotten some help from above.


In 1993, Jimmy V delivered a legendary speech at the ESPYs while suffering from cancer. Soon he was off to a better place, and not just because he had gotten away from Dick Vitale. That place had some unexpected entertainment on Saturday: a crazy Italian guy running around and looking for someone to hug.

Mavericks, Bucks Switch Conferences

Although the defending NBA champions reside in Miami, the Western Conference has been considered far superior to its Eastern counterpart. Today, commissioner David Stern made an announcement that will hugely impact the balance of power between the two sides. Effective immediately, the Dallas Mavericks and Milwaukee Bucks will switch conferences.


The league office made the decision with a forward view toward the NBA finals. The Washington Wizards currently have the best record in the Eastern Conference, but they would be the sixth seed in the West. Meanwhile, Dallas and the Phoenix Suns have been far-and-away the best teams in the NBA. Therefore, most observers expected the NBA finals to be far less suspenseful than the Western Conference finals. Always mindful of ratings, Stern decided to take action. He remarked in today’s press conference, “Why CAN’T the Mavericks play the Suns in the finals? I can do whatever I want – I’m David Stern, dammit!” He then suspended five players for “looking at me the wrong way” before killing a reporter with his bare hands.


The shift of the Bucks and Mavericks appears to make geographical sense. Like all professional sports leagues, the NBA aspires to be like the NFL, which has long considered Dallas to be in the East. Also, Dallas is in the Central Time Zone, so it is natural for the Mavs to be part of the Central Division. Likewise, the Southwest Division is a good fit for Milwaukee, which is in southern Wisconsin and west of Lake Michigan.


With the move to the East, Dallas immediately becomes an overwhelming favorite to reach the finals. The Heat may struggle just to make the playoffs, the Pistons are less fearsome than a year ago, and the Wizards have not figured out how to clone Gilbert Arenas. Participating in the Eastern Conference playoffs will also make life more convenient for Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Each week during the postseason, he can stop by the NBA office in New York to pay his fines in person.


Despite moving to the tougher conference, Milwaukee also stands to benefit. The Bucks will immediately exit last place, since their new division includes the Memphis Grizzlies. They will also be reminded of the glory days of the franchise, as the Bucks were members of the Western Conference when they won the 1971 NBA championship and appeared in the finals three years later. On a related note, management is hoping to add the services of Kareem Abdul-Jabaar in his prime.


Coincidentally, the Bucks’ move to the East in 1980 was brought about by the Mavericks’ entry into the league. Since then, Milwaukee has been a haven for teams who switch conferences. The Brewers went from the American League to the National League in 1998. Marquette shifted from Conference USA to the Big East in 2005. And Richie Cunningham’s Jefferson High School basketball squad is now competing in the Arkansas state playoffs.


While the Super Bowl will still dominate the sports media this week, Stern’s announcement managed to bring major headlines for the NBA. That momentum should continue through the February 18 All-Star Game, as Dirk Nowitzki suits up for the Eastern Conference. The buzz was particularly noticeable in the two cities involved. The switch represents the most high-profile Dallas-Milwaukee swap since J.R. Ewing dealt his brother Bobby for Lenny, Squiggy, and a Big Ragu to be named later.


We will have to wait a few months before we know whether the move pays off in the NBA finals. In the meantime, one Dallas player provided a great omen of his team’s title chances in last night’s 122-102 rout of the Seattle Sonics. Austin Croshere connected seven times from beyond the arc en route to a career-high 34 points. He seemed to have learned something from Tony Romo. If you hope to bring a championship to Dallas, you need to nail your three-pointers against Seattle.

Federer & Other Rogers

Sunday in Melbourne, Roger Federer won his third Australian Open with a straight-set victory over Chile’s Fernando Gonzalez. The superstar from Switzerland now has ten Grand Slam singles titles and is intent on capturing the elusive French Open in June. Clearly, Roger has no peer in men’s tennis. But how does Federer compare to other famous Rogers? Let’s take a look.


Roger Bannister: Broke the four-minute mile
Roger Federer: Breaks opponents within four minutes

Roger Clemens: Consistently triumphed around Andy Pettitte
Roger Federer: Consistently triumphs around Andy Roddick

Roger Corman: Directs gory movies
Roger Federer: Looks like Quentin Tarantino

Roger Craig: Won three titles with the 49ers
Roger Federer: Needs three singles titles to reach 49

Roger Daltrey: Head of a band in which he plays with Pete Townshend
Roger Federer: Wears a headband and plays like Pete Sampras

Roger Federer: Has a punishing forehand
Roger Ebert: Has a punishing thumb

Roger Federer: Last loss was in August at the Cincinnati Masters
Roger Goodell: NFL commissioner often gets disturbing news from Cincinnati

Jolly Roger: Skull and crossbones flag, representing swashbucklers
Roger Federer: Nike client, representing swoosh bucks

Roger Maris: Hit grand slams in New York
Roger Federer: Has won three Grand Slams in New York

Roger Miller: Sang “King of the Road”
Roger Federer: Is king of the hard surface

Roger Moore: Played 007
Roger Federer: Aussie Open foes were 0-for-7

Roger Federer: Possesses great stamina
Roger Murdock: Kareem’s Airplane! character was a co-pilot AND dragged Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes

Roger Federer: Drove opponents crazy in Melbourne, Australia
Roger Murtaugh: Danny Glover’s Lethal Weapon character was driven crazy by a Mel from Australia

Roger Penske: Owns #2 car in NASCAR, run by Brian France
Roger Federer: Settled for #2 last year in France

Roger Federer: Is even better than John McEnroe
Roger Rabbit: Like McEnroe, was an animated star in the 80s

Roger Staubach: Quarterbacked America’s Team
Roger Federer: Makes American players scream

Roger Federer: Has won four straight titles on Wimbledon’s grass surface
Roger Waters: Pink Floyd leader always sounds best when on grass

A By-The-Roman Numerals Guide To Super Bowl XLI

This sports weekend is the relative calm before next week’s storm in Miami. Football fans are bursting with anticipation for the Super Bowl XLI showdown between the Indianapolis Colts and Chicago Bears on February IV. In the spirit of the big event, here’s a by-the-Roman numerals guide to the teams.


I Player from a losing team to be named Super Bowl MVP (Chuck Howley). Since he was a linebacker who lost to the Colts in Miami, Indy hopes Brian Urlacher wins it this time.

II Emmy Awards won by Brian’s Song. Only Brett Favre has made more Bears fans cry.

III Texas Class B state championships won by Bears coach Lovie Smith as a player for Big Sandy High School. Coincidentally, “Big Sandy” is Shaquille O’Neal’s beach volleyball nickname.

IV Jersey number worn by quarterback Jim Harbaugh for both franchises. As the new Stanford coach, it’s also how many touchdowns his opponents will score in an average quarter.

V Game of the MCMLXXXI NLCS in which Rick Monday hit a pennant-winning home run for the Dodgers. With a touchdown in the AFC championship game, Indy’s Jeff Saturday became the second day of the week to be a playoff hero.

VI Return touchdowns this season for Bears rookie Devin Hester. He’s the fastest thing in Chicago since the car chases in The Blues Brothers.

VII Games played in the MCMXCVIII NBA Eastern Conference finals - another high-profile Chicago-Indianapolis matchup. But this time, Indy seems to have the Air advantage.

VIII Consecutive seasons in which Indy’s Marvin Harrison has caught at least X touchdown passes. Among Marvins, only Gaye has done more scoring.

IX Danica Patrick’s standing in last year’s IRL IndyCar Series. Like Peyton Manning, she gets tons of endorsements and draws huge crowds in Indy, but still hasn’t won a title.

X Bears who performed “The Super Bowl Shuffle” in MCMLXXXV. Fortunately, these days you never see rappers who want to hurt people.

XI Seasons Mike Ditka spent as the Bears’ head coach. Like another Iron Mike, he won a title in MCMLXXXVI. But he preferred chewing out quarterbacks to chewing on opponents’ ears.

XII Seasons in which Baltimore lacked an NFL franchise between the Colts’ departure and Ravens’ arrival. Detroit is catching up to that number.

XIII NBA seasons in Larry Bird’s playing career. Like Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, he nailed lots of III-pointers in New England before heading to Indianapolis.

XIV Points scored by the Bears in the last V minutes of a miracle victory over Arizona. Soon, Dennis Green was what we thought he would be: unemployed.

XV Victories for each Super Bowl team this season, including the playoffs. With St. Louis winning the World Series, the Midwest has been the region of champions lately. Well, not so fast, Buckeyes.

XVI Victory margin for Florida in last year’s NCAA basketball championship game. Since Florida captured a title in Indianapolis, Indianapolis feels entitled to win one in Florida.

XVII Point spread favoring the Colts in Super Bowl III. Also the number of women in Joe Namath’s bed after the game.

XVIII Deficit overcome by the Colts in the AFC championship game. Afterwards, New England coach Bill Belichick was at a loss for words, as he is after every game.

XIX Jersey number of Colts legend Johnny Unitas, who threw a touchdown in a record XLVII consecutive games. Back then, only JFK made more passes.

XX Interceptions thrown by Bears QB Rex Grossman in the regular season. Since he had so many giveaways in Chicago, teammates started calling him Oprah.

XXI Points scored by the Colts in a MMI loss to San Francisco – an otherwise forgettable game worshipped by SportsCenter. Because it brought us Jim Mora’s “PLAYOFFS????”

XXII Career interceptions for Bears legend Dick Butkus, who probably sent someone to the hospital as I was typing this sentence.

XXIII Points for the Colts in the classic MCMLVIII NFL championship victory over the New York Giants, coached by Jim Lee Howell. Immediately after the game, an angry Giants fan launched firejimleehowell.com.

XXIV Categories in which Oscars were awarded for MMII. The Bears will draw inspiration from that event, since Chicago was the big winner.

XXV Record Super Bowl ring size for William “The Refrigerator” Perry. The Fridge plans to loan the ring to Bears kicker Robbie Gould, who will wear it as a helmet.

XXVI Combined points for the Bears in losses to Miami and New England – their only defeats until a meaningless season-ender to Green Bay. They’re still hoping to somehow avoid the AFC at the Super Bowl.

XXVII Career sacks for Alex Brown of the Bears. He hopes to do something considered impossible in Cleveland: a Brown winning a Super Bowl.

XXVIII Jersey number of Indy’s Marlin Jackson, who made the game-clinching interception against New England. He could be the first Marlin to win a title in Miami and not be traded for prospects.

XXIX Years since Affirmed won horse racing’s last triple crown. The ensuing period is familiar to Indy fans: a bunch of Colts falling just short of glory.

XXX Draft position in last year’s Ist round for standout Colts running back Joseph Addai. Three guys from NC State went before him. No, I don’t get it, either.

XXXI Touchdown passes for Peyton Manning during the regular season. He loves to be in the shotgun, unless Chicago’s Tank Johnson points one at him.

XXXII NFL teams to be defeated by Indy’s Tony Dungy – the first head coach to beat every team in the league. Surprisingly, the second was Tony D’Amato - Al Pacino’s character in Any Given Sunday.

XXXIII Age at which Chicago’s Gale Sayers became the youngest inductee into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. It’s so sad to be a has-been at such an early age.

XXXIV Jersey number of Bears legend Walter Payton. If Sweetness were alive today, he’d be dominating on Dancing With the Stars.

XXXV Yardage of late field goal that sealed Indy’s XV – VI playoff victory over the Ravens. To add insult to injury for Baltimore fans, the Colts left the stadium in Mayflower moving trucks.

XXXVI Victory margin for the Bears in Super Bowl XX. Patriots QB Tony Eason still screams Richard Dent’s name in his sleep.

XXXVII Jersey number of Bears fullback Jason McKie. He keeps teammates in stitches by telling them he played football at Temple.

XXXVIII Age of Colts receiver Ricky Proehl, the oldest player on either roster. For nostalgia’s sake, he plans to wear his old leather helmet on Super Sunday.

XXXIX Points for the Bears in the NFC Championship victory over New Orleans. One more score, and the Saints would have become the Martyrs.

XL Seasons in which George Halas was the Bears’ head coach. He lasted that long because he never had to coach T.O.

XLI Points for the Colts in the teams’ last meeting, a XLI - X rout in MMIV. Edgerrin James had CCIV yards rushing, but he’ll be less of a force this time.

An Oscars Primer for Sports Fans

This morning in Beverly Hills, the nominations for the 79th annual Academy Awards were announced. Particular attention will be placed on the high-profile categories of Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor, and Supporting Actress. Remarkably, every film nominated in those six categories contains a sports-related theme. A primer on each of these nominees is included as follows.


Babel: A biopic of former journeyman NFL quarterback Babe Laufenberg, i.e. “Babe L.”

Blood Diamond: George Steinbrenner stuns fans by announcing that the new Yankee Stadium will be named after former heavyweight boxer Mitch “Blood” Green.

The Departed: Terrell Owens (“The Player”) makes reference to Bill Parcells.

The Devil Wears Prada: New Jersey goaltender Martin Brodeur replaces his old skates with a fashionable pair of shoes.

Dreamgirls: Formerly known as the Sooners, the Oklahoma women’s basketball team gets a new nickname due to the presence of Hakeem’s daughter Abi Olajuwon.

Half Nelson: Always unconventional, Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson announces that he will only coach the second half of games.

The Last King Of Scotland: Mired in last place, the desperate Los Angeles Kings sign Groundskeeper Willie from The Simpsons.

Letters From Iwo Jima: In the sequel to Hoosiers, Jimmy Chitwood transfers to Iwo Jima High and letters for the basketball team.

Little Children: Plagued by injuries, the Los Angeles Dodgers call up three 12-year-olds to play for manager Grady Little.

Little Miss Sunshine: A recap of the past three football seasons for the Mississippi Rebels, in which Ole Miss has had little sunshine.

Notes On A Scandal: The diary of Barry Bonds is found and made public.

The Pursuit Of Happyness: College football programs feverishly recruit blue-chip quarterback Happy Ness.

The Queen: Continuing to mine the in-state talent pool, Rutgers football coach Greg Schiano signs New Jersey native Queen Latifah.

United 93: Manchester announces its victory total after playing David Beckham’s Los Angeles Galaxy 93 times.

Venus: Peter O’Toole gives an uncanny performance as Venus Williams. He’ll play Serena in the sequel.

Volver: Needing a new assistant, Tennessee legend Pat Summitt hires Norm Peterson’s wife Vera, who becomes known as “Vol Vera.”


On February 25, we’ll find out who the Oscar award winners will be. They’ll have much in common with the sports world’s Robertson and de la Hoya, who are award-winning Oscars.

Conference Championship Winners, Besides the Colts & Bears

The matchup for Super Bowl XLI is set, as the Indianapolis Colts will take on the Chicago Bears. Sunday was widely noted as a landmark day for Peyton Manning and African-American coaches. Beyond the rosters of the two victorious teams, here are some other winners from the NFL conference championships.


1985 New England Patriots: With a Bears-Patriots matchup narrowly avoided, they won’t get quite as many gruesome reminders of the Super Bowl XX beatdown.

Babe Ruth: The Bambino’s spirit lives on in Adam Vinatieri: a future Hall of Famer who won three titles in New England, then torments Bostonians by helping a rival team reach new heights.

Barack Obama: Victories by Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy prove that African-American leaders in the Midwest can get the job done.

Cleveland Browns Fans: Now Baltimore has to watch a Super Bowl featuring the formerly beloved franchise that skipped town.

Dan Fouts/Warren Moon: With Manning getting past the Patriots, the “greatest quarterback not to reach the Super Bowl” competition has thinned.

FEMA: With the Saints gone, the agency won’t get two weeks of fresh reminders of how much they fouled up in New Orleans.

Hallmark: Having a guy named Lovie in the spotlight in February will provide constant reminders of Valentine’s Day.

Houston Texans: They were the last team to beat Indy. So for the first time, the NFC champ hopes to be like the Texans.

Jim O’Brien: We’ll hear all about the former Baltimore kicker, who made the game-winner in the Colts’ last Super Bowl. No, not the guy who coached hoops at Ohio State, or the other one who coached the Sixers and Celtics, or the Philly weatherman who died while skydiving, or… okay, just forget it.

Non-Sports Fans: Super Bowl parties always include guests who know nothing about the teams but love to watch the commercials. With Peyton in the game, at least they’ll recognize one player.

Saturday Night Live: A new Da Bears sketch just has to be on the way. To keep up with the times, the Superfans will converse with each other in an online chat.

SEC Quarterbacks: Tennessee’s Peyton Manning and Florida’s Rex Grossman defeated Tom Brady and Drew Brees from Big Ten schools. Looks like Chris Leak started a trend.

Stephen Colbert Haters: It was a rough day for the Colbert Report host, who denounces Bears while celebrating Saints and Patriots. Expect the Colts to be on notice.

Sweetness: No offense to Sean Payton, but it would have disrespected Walter’s memory for a Payton to keep the Bears out of the Super Bowl.

Terrell Owens: A big day by Dallas Clark helped Indy to advance. So the critics were wrong when they said, “As long as T.O. is with the Cowboys, Dallas won’t reach the Super Bowl.”

Bilas To Receive Police Protection In Chapel Hill

This Saturday, ESPN’s College GameDay crew will be in Chapel Hill for the North Carolina – Georgia Tech matchup. Hordes of Carolina blue-clad fans will be seen behind Rece Davis and company during their analyses. Some other men in blue will also be on hand in the Dean Smith Center. Analyst Jay Bilas will receive police protection during his visit to Chapel Hill.


As documented in a GameDay commercial, Bilas was the target of constant harassment during his last trip to UNC. A cafeteria worker flatly refused to serve him chocolate pudding. The employee, a huge Pink Floyd fan, later remarked, “If you played for Coach K, you can’t have any pudding!!! How can you have any pudding if you played for Coach K???” The former Duke hoopster was also abused while trying to eat his meal, being hit by backpacks and having his chair rammed repeatedly. Reportedly, each time a UNC student made contact with Bilas, Shane Battier instinctively flopped to the ground in Houston.


Those were just the attacks that were captured on camera. Bilas suffered numerous other indignities around Chapel Hill. While he tried to enjoy a beer at He’s Not Here, customers around Bilas dumped blue cups of Natural Light on his head. On campus, one man repeatedly screamed at him that he was going to hell. However, that was just the infamous Pit Preacher, who said the same thing to everyone.


Later Bilas was found tied up to UNC’s enduring symbol, the Old Well. A note was attached to him with the words “In Hubert We Trust.” He told authorities that he hadn’t been tortured like that since the last time he watched a Duke football game. Reached for comment, GameDay analyst and former Tar Heel guard Hubert Davis remarked with a grin, “I don’t know how that happened to Duke Boy.” Asked for his thoughts on the incidents, ESPN commentator Dick Vitale responded, “Duke Duke Duke Coach K Cameron Crazies, Baby!!!!!!” He gave the same response later when asked about the Iraq war.


Bilas joined former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps as a GameDay analyst to be targeted by overzealous fans. In February 2005, the crew was in Syracuse for a Big East showdown between the Orange and the Fighting Irish. Someone broke into Digger’s hotel room, stealing all his highlighters and replacing them with highlighters that did not match his ties. The culprit also covered the room with photos of Danny Ainge in a BYU uniform. The primary suspect wears glasses and has a receding hairline, and he has reportedly been seen roaming the sidelines at the Carrier Dome.


To make Saturday’s trip to Chapel Hill less eventful, ESPN decided that an extra police presence would be needed. The officers assigned to protect Bilas were carefully selected and are considered sympathetic to him in the hostile environment. Officer Redick is considered the top marksman on the force, although some claim that his shooting is wildly off-target in crucial situations. He will be accompanied by Officer Wojo, who responds to threatening situations by emphatically slapping the floor.


As for the game, the fourth-ranked Tar Heels enter the contest with the Yellow Jackets after a 77-55 rout over Clemson. The home loss was a major disappointment for the 16th-ranked Tigers. But at least Clemson, 0-52 lifetime at UNC, was spared a trip to Chapel Hill this season. Jay Bilas was not so lucky.

Virginia Tech Adds Charlotte Bobcats To Schedule

Monday was a landmark day for the Virginia Tech basketball program, as the Hokies entered the Top 25 for the first time in over a decade. Today, coach Seth Greenberg announced that his team will take another step up in class. The Hokies have agreed to a February 6 matchup with the NBA’s Charlotte Bobcats.


The extra game is part of the program’s effort to add more teams from North Carolina to the schedule. Virginia Tech is 6-0 against schools from the Tar Heel State after Saturday’s 94-88 victory over then-#1 North Carolina. Zabian Dowdell scored 23 in making sure that the Tar Heels’ stay atop the polls would only last one week. Some considered the upset inevitable, as the college sports gods seem to want Florida to be on top of everything these days. As further proof of that, David Beckham has reneged on his agreement with the Los Angeles Galaxy to suit up for the Gator soccer team.


The Hokies were far more popular in Chapel Hill a week earlier, when they knocked off then-#5 Duke 69-67 at Cameron Indoor Stadium. The game plan worked to perfection, as the Virginia Tech guards consistently got open to receive passes from Duke’s Greg Paulus. The other victim in Tech’s 3-0 ACC start was Wake Forest, to go with non-conference wins over Appalachian State, Campbell, and UNC-Greensboro. The Hokies still face a return showdown at UNC, plus two matchups with NC State. In the meantime, North Carolina governor Mike Easley has already labeled Greenberg as an enemy of the state.


Virginia Tech’s perfection against the North Carolina schools continues a less-surprising pattern established in the fall by the football team. Frank Beamer’s squad was 3-0 against the state, highlighted by a 27-6 blowout of ACC champion Wake Forest. The Hokies routed UNC and Duke by a combined 71-10. According to Beamer, the key to those victories was “scheduling UNC and Duke in football.”


While the basketball team is proud of its upsets of Carolina and Duke, it has been maddeningly inconsistent against programs from outside NC. Most puzzling were losses to Western Michigan and Marshall. However, the Thanksgiving defeat to WMU was understandable upon further reflection. Hokies are turkey-like birds, so the players were likely distracted by the fear of being roasted and eaten by dysfunctional families. The loss to the Thundering Herd resulted because it came a week after the release of We Are Marshall. The inspirational tale tanked at the box office, so Greenberg wanted to do what he could to lift the spirits of Huntington, West Virginia.


The February 6 contest at Charlotte Bobcats Arena was added after a review of both teams’ schedules. Virginia Tech had a week off between a February 3 visit to Boston College and a February 10 home matchup with Virginia. The Bobcats face a game in Miami on the 5th and may be weary after taking on Dwyane Wade and the defending champs. However, they can fully rest on the 7th, as they play Philadelphia.


The Bobcats were eager to face the Hokies because its players have experienced great success against college competition. At 12-24, Charlotte is currently last in the Southeast Division. However, five current Bobcats (Raymond Felton, Sean May, Emeka Okafor, Jake Voskuhl, and Derek Anderson) won NCAA championships. Even a great college team can’t compare to the rigorous competition of the NBA, so those players are heavily favored to experience that winning feeling on February 6. However, the Hokies do have one major reason for optimism. The last time Adam Morrison played against college guys, he ended the game in tears.


In the meantime, next on Virginia Tech’s schedule is Wednesday’s trip to Florida State. In preparation, Greenberg has devised a brilliant strategy for his team. He’s convinced them that Tallahassee is a suburb of Raleigh.

The Number 15: Lucky For Colts, Unlucky For Eagles

The number 15 is quite prominent in the world of football. It’s how many minutes are in a quarter, as well as the number of yards a team is penalized for a personal foul. In Saturday’s NFL playoff action, the number 15 was significant in many other ways. It brought victory to the Indianapolis Colts and elimination for the Philadelphia Eagles.


Most significantly for the Colts, 15 was the number of points they scored in a 15-6 win over the Baltimore Ravens. All those points came thanks to the leg of Adam Vinatieri, whose five field goals gave him a total of eight in Indy’s two playoff victories. Only Reggie Miller has nailed more post-season three-pointers for an Indianapolis team. Coincidentally, Vinatieri celebrated each of his kicks by talking trash to Spike Lee.


The Indianapolis offense had 15 first downs for the game. That’s two more than the Ravens managed against the much-maligned Colts’ defense (NOTE: All writers are required to refer to the Colts’ defense as “much-maligned”). The return of safety Bob Sanders has been instrumental in the unit’s sudden improvement. He has a history of bringing power to a previously woeful group, having also been responsible for giving the Democrats control of Congress.


While Vinatieri and the defense carried the day, quarterback Peyton Manning was well below his standards with 15 completions. However, Peyton will take the result as the Colts earned a rare road playoff victory and moved within one game of their first Super Bowl appearance since moving to Indy. If the Colts win next week and advance to the big game, Manning will finally get a shot at some endorsement opportunities.


15 was enough for one quarterback, but Jeff Garcia’s 15 completions could not extend Philadelphia’s season. The Eagles fell 27-24 to the sentimental favorite New Orleans Saints. Garcia filled in admirably after Donovan McNabb’s season-ending injury in November. Including last weekend’s elimination of the New York Giants, Garcia had won six starts in a row. The run amazed golf fans, who did not believe that a Garcia could win on Sundays. The QB also provided inspiration to the 76ers and Flyers, who these days can only dream of winning six games in a six-week period.


Ultimately, Garcia’s team was doomed by allowing 15 rushing first downs to the Saints. Deuce McAllister ran for 143 yards and a touchdown. He also scored what turned out to be the winning touchdown on an 11-yard reception late in the third quarter. In leading the victory, McAllister gave the greatest running performance by a Saint since John the Baptist broke the four-minute mile.


The number 15 also hurt the Eagles in two punting situations. Late in the first half, Philly had a clear path to a blocked punt, when Saints punter Steve Weatherford stepped aside and ran 15 yards for a first down. More crucially, the Eagles chose to punt on 4th-and-15 with under two minutes remaining in the game and never regained possession. Coach Andy Reid’s decision not to go for it is sure to face widespread second-guessing. Fortunately, he coaches in Philly, where the always-upbeat media will focus on his five division titles and reassure him, “Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all, Andy. We still think you’re swell!”


Indeed, 15 was an unlucky number for the Eagles in the Louisiana Superdome. On one previous occasion, the franchise had experienced a bitter playoff loss in that venue. It was a 27-10 defeat to the Oakland Raiders - in Super Bowl XV.

The British Invasion: 2007 Sports Edition

Yesterday it was announced that British soccer icon David Beckham has agreed to terms to play for the Los Angeles Galaxy in Major League Soccer. It remains to be seen whether the husband of Posh Spice will make the world’s most popular sport more trendy in the United States. But the arrival of “Becks” does suggest that other British celebrities could make a positive impact on the American sports scene. Here are just a few other Brits, and the positions where they could have a major effect on U.S. sports.


Julie Andrews: San Francisco Giants Outfielder. As Barry Bonds’s teammate, she can go from Mary Poppins to pill-popping.

Christian Bale: Tampa Bay Devil Rays Designated Hitter. No team is more in need of a Bat Man.

Tony Blair: Monday Night Football commentator. Mike Tirico and Joe Theismann are used to working with a heavily-criticized Tony.

David Bowie: Chairman, NCAA Basketball Tournament Selection Committee. He can officially tell us, “Let’s Dance.”

Richard Branson: Oakland Raiders Offensive Coordinator. He presides over the Virgin empire, so he can lead a bunch of guys who can’t score.

John Cleese: U.S. Ryder Cup Captain. In defeat, the Monty Python staple can help another Monty.

Sean Connery: Denver Broncos Quarterback. No one can fill John Elway’s shoes as #7, except for the ultimate 007.

Judi Dench: Notre Dame Quarterback. After Brady Quinn leaves, an award-winner from Notre Dame is replaced by an award-winning Dame.

Craig Ferguson: University of Hawaii Football Coach. With the Warriors’ high-powered offense, he can continue to entertain late-night viewers.

Ricky Gervais: New York Yankees Owner. David Brent replaces an even more obnoxious Boss.

Hugh Grant: Orlando Magic Forward. The star of Notting Hill can step in for a rotting Hill.

Elton John: Houston Rockets Center. With Yao Ming out of commission for a while, Houston needs another Rocket Man.

Keira Knightley: Pittsburgh Pirates Manager. She’s used to bringing glamour to a misfit group of Pirates.

Hugh Laurie: Chicago Bears Quarterback. The House star always seems to make the right decision, unlike Rex Grossman. And the Bears offensive line could yell, “We must protect this House!”

Jude Law: Baltimore Ravens Cornerback. Any team that faces Peyton Manning should have a defensive back named Law.

Ewan McGregor: Los Angeles Lakers Coach. This franchise thrived on Star Wars.

Paul McCartney: Philadelphia 76ers Forward. They just got rid of Chris Webber, the leader of the Fab 5. So the Fab 4 leader is next.

Ian McKellen: University of Cincinnati Basketball Coach. The Bearcats are bitter rivals with Xavier, so they could use Magneto as they take on the X-Men.

Ozzy Osbourne: Chicago Cubs Manager. To win a World Series in Chicago, you need an incoherent manager named Ozzy.

Clive Owen: Atlanta Braves Pitcher. With star closers hard to find, the bullpen-deficient Braves grab the star of Closer.

Queen Elizabeth II: Sacramento Kings Forward. Shaquille O’Neal referred to them as the “Queens.” Wouldn’t you love to see her around Ron Artest?

Daniel Radcliffe: St. Louis Cardinals Shortstop. Radcliffe plays Harry Potter, and St. Louis fans love seeing a Wizard at shortstop.

Ridley Scott: Chicago Black Hawks Coach. Scott directed Black Hawk Down, so he can lead some Black Hawks who have been down for years.

Patrick Stewart: Detroit Red Wings Center. Having lost “The Captain” (Steve Yzerman) to retirement, Detroit turns to Captain Picard.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: New York Mets Utility Player. She’s used to being around a much older man, so she’ll have no problem being in a dugout with Julio Franco.

Ohio State To Stop Playing Sports Versus Florida

Monday night in Arizona, Florida routed Ohio State 41-14 in the BCS national championship game. With the Buckeyes having been #1 all season, the result was stunning to most college football observers. However, the lopsided affair continued a pattern of futility for Ohio State athletics against the Gators. Therefore, OSU director of athletics Gene Smith has announced that the school’s teams will no longer compete against the University of Florida.


Many prognosticators expected the Buckeyes to dominate the Gators for 60 minutes on Monday. Instead, they dominated for 16 seconds. Ted Ginn, Jr. returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown and then supposedly left the game with an injury. Actually, Ginn was simply following the philosophy of George Costanza – always leave on a high note. Quarterback Troy Smith was definitely left wanting more – more protection, more yardage, more completions, etc. Known for his stellar play in big games, the Heisman winner played more like Anna Nicole Smith with just four completions for 35 yards. Coach Jim Tressel desperately tried to jump-start the offense, but he could not find a hypnotist to convince Smith that he was playing against Michigan.


Lining up with Florida proved to be far more problematic than the Wolverines. Ohio State had feasted against bowl competition in Arizona, defeating Miami, Kansas State, and Notre Dame over the past four seasons. Of course, that assumes the phrase “bowl competition” can still be used for the Fighting Irish. The Buckeye football program has struggled against the entire SEC, with a 0-8 record against the conference in bowl games. The SEC is looking particularly strong now, as Florida’s Urban Meyer is the conference’s fourth active national championship head coach. He joins Steve Spurrier, Phillip Fullmer, and Nick Saban, unless Saban bolts for another job before I finish this article.


Last night was Ohio State’s second athletic debacle against UF in the past month. The basketball team experienced similar futility on December 23. With the injured Greg Oden back on the court, the third-ranked Buckeyes were confident as they headed to Gainesville to take on another group of national champion Gators. Florida responded with an 86-60 trouncing, as Oden struggled with foul trouble and was outplayed by Al Horford. Taurean Green led a 33-9 second half run that put the Gators in cruise control. Florida coach Billy Donovan spent the last ten minutes drinking egg nog and singing Christmas carols to his assistants.


Perhaps the Buckeyes had foresight of such a result last March. Second-seeded OSU fell to Georgetown 70-52 in the second round of the NCAA tournament. If Thad Matta’s crew had won that contest, Florida would have awaited in the Sweet 16. Most recaps claimed that the Hoyas’ stifling defense had ended the Buckeyes’ season. However, with the specter of the Gators looming, the real culprit was probably herpetophobia – fear of reptiles.


For good measure, last February the UF baseball team trounced Ohio State 10-3. Reflecting on the pattern of blowout losses to the Gators, Gene Smith decided that he’d had enough and put the no-Florida policy into effect. “That school has brought our athletic program nothing but pain recently, and it’s time to put a stop to it,” said the AD. “We’d probably lose to them in women’s hockey – we’re ninth in the country and they don’t even have a team,” he continued. “Seriously, they’d just put a few sorority girls on the ice, and they’d be smacking slapshots into our goal!”


The OSU men’s golf team will still honor its prior commitment to participate in the Gator Invitational in Gainesville next month. The program of Jack Nicklaus is bound to be a bunch of hackers that weekend, but Gene Smith does see a silver lining. He noted, “Sure, being in Gainesville will have our guys shooting way over par. But that means they’ll be tearing up their course and leaving divots all over the place!” The comment brought a fit of laughter, which soon deteriorated into weeping.


Otherwise, the faithful in Columbus will no longer have to worry about the Gators. After last night’s dominance by Chris Leak and his mates, the debate over whether Florida belonged in the BCS championship game seems like a distant memory. Last month, Michigan insisted that they should have gotten that berth. Today, for once, the Buckeyes agree with their arch-rivals.