Great Sports Weekend For the French Turns Sour

For most of this past weekend, it was a joyous time for French athletes. Their presence on the world stage loomed as large as the Eiffel Tower. However, their jubilation ended Sunday night as Italy celebrated a World Cup championship. A great weekend in French sports suddenly turned to misery.


On Saturday, France’s Amelie Mauresmo made her country proud by defeating Justine Henin-Hardenne to win Wimbledon. The top-seeded Mauresmo became the first Wimbledon women’s singles champion from France since 1925, when Suzanne Lenglen defeated England’s Joan Fry in the final. After that match, the embittered Fry allegedly placed a curse on French women, prohibiting them from winning at Wimbledon. Most tennis historians do not believe in the hex, although they do acknowledge that Fry often wore a witch’s costume on the court and played with a broom instead of a racket. According to the legend, the curse would only be broken when the Chicago White Sox won the World Series.


While Mauresmo’s triumph across the English Channel was sweet, the French also prevailed on the other side of the Atlantic Saturday night. Jeff “Frenchy” Francoeur smacked the go-ahead homer to rally the Atlanta Braves to a 4-1 victory over the Cincinnati Reds. In appreciation, the Turner Field crowd delivered the Tomahawk Chop chant in a French accent. The sound was music to the ears of new Braves third base coach Gerard Depardieu.


Sunday the French continued to flourish, as Sylvain Calzati won the eighth stage of the Tour de France. Ukrainian Serhiy Honchar currently wears the yellow jersey, but the home fans enjoyed seeing Calzati’s moment of glory. He also entertained his countrymen in ways beyond winning. After the race, he pretended to inject himself with steroids, yelling, “Look at me, I’m Lance Armstrong!” to the amused French spectators.


With all this sports glory, the stage was set for France to win its second World Cup championship. Captain Zinedine Zidane continued the momentum by converting a penalty kick in the seventh minute for a 1-0 lead. The retiring Zidane had led France to the 1998 World Cup championship, and a second title would have vaulted him past ZZ Top as the most accomplished ZZ in history. As a tribute to his namesake rockers, he reportedly considered playing the final in sunglasses and a long beard. Zidane chose to go without those accessories, but he was inspired by a pre-game speech by the band’s Billy Gibbons, who told the French team, “You’ve got legs, you know how to use them.”


Unfortunately for the French, the jubilation did not last. Italy evened the score later in the first half, and neither side managed another goal in regulation. Zidane earned an early exit during the second overtime period by head-butting Marco Materazzi in the chest and drawing a red card. Reportedly, Zidane’s outburst resulted from his career-long frustration over being the last guy listed in the program. To his credit, the French legend remained respectful of the rules of soccer and refused to use his hands in striking Materazzi.


Italy ultimately prevailed in penalty kicks and celebrated the nation’s fourth World Cup championship. The outcome means that France must relinquish certain privileges to Italy until the 2010 World Cup. For the next four years, open-mouth smooching will be called Italian kissing, and the former cast member from 3rd Rock From the Sun will be known as Italian Stewart. Also, the world’s most famous slutty hotel heiress is now named Rome Hilton.


So a weekend that carried such promise for French sports ended in heartbreak. However, the most famous resident of Paris is smiling today. Because the Mona Lisa is Italian.

Hidden Base Trick Inflames A's-Angels Rivalry

Thursday night Frank Thomas socked a walk-off home run to lead the Oakland Athletics to a 7-5 victory over the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This type of drama has been typical in recent years for these American League West adversaries. However, the Big Hurt’s blast was not the only development to infuriate the Angels on Thursday. The Halos were livid when Oakland pulled the hidden base trick during Orlando Cabrera’s at-bats.


The Angels shortstop singled in the 5th and 7th innings to extend his streak of reaching base to 63 consecutive games. The streak is the longest in major league baseball since 1960, passing a 58-game stretch by Barry Bonds in 2003. Statistics on such streaks are incomplete before 1960, but the Elias Sports Bureau has Boston’s Ted Williams with the major league record at 84 straight games in 1949. Some may wonder how a record can be affirmed when statistics from that era are acknowledged to be incomplete. An Elias representative admitted, “Look, we’re praying that we don’t find some nobody who had more than 84. If we throw the name ‘Ted Williams’ out there, no one really questions it.”


Since Cabrera doubled off Detroit’s Jeremy Bonderman on April 25, no opponent has managed to keep him off the bases for an entire game. However, the A’s devised a strategy to do just that. They put their plan into practice Thursday night whenever first base was unoccupied during a Cabrera at-bat. Oakland removed first base from the ground and hid it from Cabrera’s view, reasoning that he can’t reach base if he can’t find it.


The strategy seemed to work. Cabrera’s two hits came when first base was occupied, so the A’s could not remove it without the runner noticing. He was retired on the other three occasions. In the first inning, Angels manager Mike Scioscia screamed to the umpires that A’s first baseman Dan Johnson had stashed first base under his uniform. When questioned by the crew, the ridiculously bulging Johnson responded, “Noooo... I’m not hiding first base. I’m just… on steroids! Better test me after the game!”


The A’s gamesmanship was particularly brazen during Cabrera’s third inning at-bat. Oakland legend Rickey Henderson slid head-first into first base before pulling it out of the ground. Henderson held the base aloft while proclaiming, “I am the greatest base-stealer of all time!” Henderson then dashed off the field while announcing, “Rickey’s gonna take this bag to Cooperstown!” Amazingly, none of the umpires saw any of this.


The Angels had suspected that their division rivals might use devious tactics to halt Cabrera’s streak. The Halos kept a watchful eye on Oakland catcher Jason Kendall, who had charged the mound against Los Angeles pitcher John Lackey in an earlier matchup this season. A crafty old catcher himself, Scioscia warned Cabrera that Kendall might try to tie his shoes together while he stood in the batter’s box. With the Angels distracted by Kendall, the A’s apparently felt that they could easily pull off the shenanigans at first base.


Tonight the angry Angels will be particularly aware of the activities at first base. First base coach Alfredo Griffin will be on high alert, so the hidden base trick may not be available to the A’s. All-Star Oakland pitcher Barry Zito will have his hands full as he tries to stop Orlando Cabrera’s streak. Unlike the show on Fox, this version of “The O.C.” is not ready for a summer hiatus.

Anti-Americanism Rampant At European Sporting Events

July 4 is upon us, so today is a day to honor and cherish the United States of America. Baseball players and fans will do so in ballparks across the nation, finding extra meaning in today’s rendition of The Star-Spangled Banner. However, U.S. athletes do not enjoy the same freedoms when traveling across the Atlantic. This summer, European sporting events have been consistently hostile toward American athletes.


The latest example came on Monday, when Shenay Perry was routed 6-2, 6-0 in the fourth round of Wimbledon by Russia’s Elena Dementieva. With Perry’s elimination, no American male or female was still alive in singles play. Perry was philosophical about the defeat. She remarked, “It would have been great to make the quarterfinals, but seriously, even I’ve never heard of me!” Like the Founding Fathers more than two centuries ago, Perry sacrificed so that others may benefit. In her case, the defeat allowed fans to enjoy a Russian Hottie Fest between Dementieva and Maria Sharapova.


Saturday’s third round particularly showed how unwelcome the Americans were in England. Playing in the last Wimbledon of his great career, Andre Agassi fell in straight sets to Rafael Nadal. The second-seeded Spaniard, practically unbeatable on clay, rudely decided to play great tennis on grass. That same day, defending women’s champion Venus Williams and two-time men’s runner-up Andy Roddick were also eliminated. The Brits shed no tears for them. After Roddick won a point during his defeat to Andy Murray, the public address announcer informed the spectators, “Advantage Mr. Roddick.” Normally he would stop there, but the announcer continued, “But he’ll lose anyway. Mandy Moore was too good for that wanker.”


Last month’s French Open was just as unfriendly toward U.S. players. No Americans made the semifinals after Venus Williams fell in the quarters. James Blake, the last American man, was eliminated in the third round. The tournament has a history of hostility toward U.S. men, being the only Grand Slam singles title eluding Pete Sampras and Jimmy Connors. Many tired stereotypes exist about the French, particularly when it comes to being rude to American visitors. However, such an image came to life after Blake’s defeat, when a group of beret-wearing men stormed onto the court and attacked Blake with baguettes while praising Jerry Lewis.


Europe’s anti-U.S. antagonism was not confined to tennis, as shown by the World Cup held in Germany. Feeling confident with a #5 world ranking, the Americans were promptly dismissed after two losses and a draw. To their credit, the Italians did have a guilty conscience about the America-bashing, even putting a ball into their own goal to make the U.S. feel happy. However, the group stage ended with the USA heading home in humiliation. It is unclear why this squad received such hostile treatment in Germany. At no time during the tournament could this team be considered offensive.


The harsh treatment of American athletes in Europe undoubtedly stems from the continent’s disapproval of the Bush administration. European protests have been constant throughout the Iraq war. President Bush is often viewed as a bully, unilaterally pushing his own agenda while failing to join other nations in supporting measures such as the Kyoto Protocol. Just this week, the President infuriated Portugal by expressing his condemnation of Lisbon marriages.


The anti-Americanism is likely to continue at the Tour de France, which is no longer a sure bet to bring victory for the USA. For the first time since 1998, the Tour will crown a champion other than Lance Armstrong. The doping-related expulsions of co-favorites Jan Ullrich and Ivan Basso have seemingly enhanced the chances of Americans Floyd Landis, Levi Leipheimer, and George Hincapie. However, they are unlikely to overcome a controversial new rule. During the race’s concluding stage on July 23, all U.S. cyclists are required to ride tricycles into Paris.


Americans will hope for friendlier treatment that same day at the British Open. However, fans of Scottish golfer Colin Montgomerie have other ideas. Desperately wanting Monty to win his first major, his supporters have successfully lobbied for golfers from the United Kingdom to receive one mulligan per round. Monty’s backers are also rumored to have sent false e-mails to Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson, indicating that the tournament has been moved to October.


Despite the harsh treatment they’ve endured in Europe, American athletes can appreciate the freedoms they enjoy at home. Today they can celebrate the Declaration of Independence, ratified 230 years ago in Philadelphia. Where antagonism toward athletes would never be acceptable.

National League Fails To Qualify For All-Star Game

The National League has not won an All-Star Game since scoring a 6-0 victory in 1996. Only an infamous tie in 2002 has interrupted the American League’s domination since then. However, this year the NL has suffered its greatest embarrassment of all. Today commissioner Bud Selig announced that the National League has failed to qualify for this year’s midsummer classic.


The commissioner invoked the “best interests of the game” clause in making this decision. During interleague play, concluded on Sunday, the AL wound up with a 154-98 edge over the NL. Selig determined that any league winning fewer than 40% of interleague matchups does not belong in the summer’s showcase event. “Our fans deserve a competitive game,” noted the commissioner. “If we stick the National League in there this year, the NL will get flattened worse than Ray Fosse.”


Instead, the All-Star Game will primarily be an American League intra-squad matchup. Noting how the voters favored the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox, one side will be comprised entirely of players from those clubs. That team will be known as the Yank Sox. Fan selections Ichiro Suzuki, Vladimir Guerrero, and Ivan Rodriguez will be shifted to the opposing club, with Johnny Damon, Trot Nixon, and Jorge Posada taking their places in the Yank Sox lineup. A typical clutch hit by David Ortiz could bring wildly mixed emotions for Red Sox fans. They would cheer his heroics, then curse him as a traitor for driving in Derek Jeter.


The NL will not be completely absent at the All-Star Game. As a nod to the home city of Pittsburgh, fan choice Jason Bay of the Pirates will be allowed to play. By joining up with American League stalwarts, Bay will have a rare opportunity for a victory in PNC Park. His fellow Keystone Staters from Philadelphia will also have a role - one year after Bobby Abreu dominated the Home Run Derby. Hoping to see just as many blasts this year, the commissioner’s office has announced that this year’s Derby will be pitched by the Phillies’ starting rotation.


The “Monster 2006 All-Star Final Vote” has also been adjusted to accommodate the senior circuit. Fans can elect one New York Met to join the Boston/New York club. Options include NL fan choices Paul Lo Duca, David Wright, Jose Reyes, and Carlos Beltran, plus pitcher Tom Glavine. Voters will also choose the final representative on the other side, from among fan choices Albert Pujols, Chase Utley, and Alfonso Soriano, plus pitchers Bronson Arroyo and Brandon Webb. Additionally, Selig announced that Houston Astros manager Phil Garner will still get to perform his duties as scheduled, since Ozzie Guillen will likely say something to merit a suspension in the next week.


Because the National League will not field a team, the All-Star Game will no longer decide the host of the World Series. The American League will retain that right this October, although the commissioner noted that home field will be irrelevant in the Fall Classic. “The only way the National League will win the World Series, “ commented Selig, “is if you’re talking about the one in Williamsport.”


The issue will be revisited before next season’s All-Star Game. The NL will surely rise again, just as the AL rebounded from dropping 11 consecutive midsummer classics between 1972 and 1982. The California Angels’ Fred Lynn hit the first grand slam in All-Star history to help the AL snap the streak in 1983. The National League will look for something similar if it returns to the All-Star Game in 2007. Taking no chances, the NL will have the 55-year-old Lynn batting cleanup.

A Quick Analysis of NBA Lottery Selections

Wednesday’s NBA draft was notable in two ways. First, high schoolers were excluded, leading to a steep decline in analysts’ use of the word “upside.” Secondly, every player chosen was required to be traded to or from the Portland Trailblazers. Below are some brief comments about each of the 14 lottery selections.


1. Toronto: Andrea Bargnani, F, Italy. His historic selection is overshadowed at home by the World Cup. If Italy wins the title, Bargnani will honor the accomplishment by not using his hands during his rookie season.

2. Portland (from Chicago via New York): LaMarcus Aldridge, F, Texas. The last #2 overall pick to wind up with the Blazers was Sam Bowie. Considering the luck that selection brought the Bulls, Chicago made sure this pick went to Portland.

3. Charlotte: Adam Morrison, F, Gonzaga. Morrison follows Emeka Okafor, Raymond Felton, and Sean May as the Bobcats’ lottery picks. Expect Charlotte to be fined by the league for drafting too many accomplished college players.

4. Chicago (from Portland): Tyrus Thomas, F, LSU. The athletic Thomas is definitely the right LSU player for coach Scott Skiles. The hard-nosed Skiles would never allow a Big Baby in his locker room.

5. Atlanta: Shelden Williams, F, Duke. Because he “owns the paint,” Williams is nicknamed “The Landlord.” Now he goes to a franchise that’s the rat-infested slum of the NBA.

6. Portland (from Minnesota): Brandon Roy, G, Washington. It’s been a big week for Roy, who gets to stay in the Pacific Northwest. He’s still thrilled over brother Patrick’s election to the Hockey Hall of Fame.

7. Minnesota (from Portland via Boston): Randy Foye, G, Villanova. Foye has been compared by some to Dwyane Wade. After his selection, three guys who patted him on the back were whistled for fouls.

8. Memphis (to be traded from Houston): Rudy Gay, F, Connecticut. The Rockets will regret this deal. The return of Houston guard Bob Sura from knee surgery could have inspired Rocket fans to sing, “Gay-Sura-Sura, whatever will be will be…”

9. Golden State: Patrick O’Bryant, C, Bradley. O’Bryant played in the Warriors’ home arena during the Sweet 16. That’s the last post-season action he’ll see in Oakland.

10. Seattle: Saer Sene, F, Senegal. Sonics officials achieved their goal of creating the draft’s best tongue-twister: “Seattle Supersonics’ Saer Sene of Senegal.”

11. Orlando: J.J. Redick, G, Duke. The Magic welcomes Redick’s perimeter shooting but plans to lock him out of the arena in late March. He’s proven to be useless at that time of year.

12. New Orleans/Oklahoma City: Hilton Armstrong, C, Connecticut. He’s competitive like (Lance) Armstrong, but he can’t score like (Paris) Hilton.

13. Chicago (from Philadelphia): Thabo Sefolosha, G, Switzerland. Hailing from the same country as Roger Federer, Sefolosha hopes to convince the Bulls to play on a grass court.

14. Utah: Ronnie Brewer, G, Arkansas. His father spent eight years in the NBA during the 70s and 80s, as did Joe Bryant. So Ronnie is already the next Kobe.


The draft presents a challenge for the front offices of each franchise. However, amid the constant flurry of deals, one individual had the toughest job of all on Wednesday: the person in charge of keeping the right hats on the draftees.

Obstacles Overcome By Oregon State Baseball

Oregon State defeated North Carolina 3-2 Monday night in the deciding game of the College World Series. The Beavers captured the title thanks to determined pitching, some ill-timed errors by the Tar Heels, and most importantly, tremendous resiliency. The odds were against the Beavers throughout the CWS. Those obstacles are discussed below.


Constant threat of elimination: After dropping its CWS opener 11-1 to Miami, OSU had to survive six elimination games in Omaha. The Beavers’ refusal to perish impressed Bruce Willis, who has asked them to appear in the next Die Hard movie.

Rice Owls: Oregon State needed two night-time victories over Rice to reach the championship series. And Owls are nocturnal.

Baseball broadcasters: ESPN’s Peter Gammons, a UNC alumnus, is widely respected and has been enshrined into the Baseball Hall of Fame. Fox’s Steve Lyons, an Oregon State product, is best remembered for dropping trou after sliding into first base.

A fan named Williams: OSU was supported in the stands by actor Barry Williams, while North Carolina basketball coach Roy Williams was there to root on his school. One would think that Greg Brady would pale in comparison to a national championship coach. Then again, the theme from The Brady Bunch is far more popular than the UNC fight song.

Latitude: No northern school had won the CWS since Ohio State in 1966. Only by being an OSU did the Beavers have a shot.

Pac-10 runner-up trend in 2006: USC lost the national championship game in football, as UCLA did in basketball. Other notable 2006 runners-up include the Seattle Seahawks and Katharine McPhee – both hailing from Pac-10 cities. Fully aware of the trend, Pac-10 commissioner Thomas C. Hansen conceded to ACC counterpart John Swofford before the championship series.

National animal of Canada: This honor belongs to the Beaver. No team from Canada has ever won the College World Series.

Tigers draft picks: North Carolina pitcher Andrew Miller was Detroit’s first-round selection, while the Tigers snagged Oregon State hurler Jonah Nickerson six rounds later. Miller clearly has more value to Detroit. However, now Nickerson can heckle him, “Hey Andrew, does that fat contract come with a Most Outstanding Player award? Didn’t think so.”

ACC drought: No ACC school had won the College World Series since Wake Forest in 1955. So the conference was definitely due.

Mavericks’ 2-0 series lead: Yes, this is an NBA Finals issue, but the team with the Oregon State guy (Gary Payton) had to rally against the team with the UNC guy (Jerry Stackhouse).

Hurricanes vs. Beavers: This was the matchup when Miami and OSU met in an elimination game on June 20. The Hurricane, portrayed onscreen by Denzel Washington, was a fierce middleweight boxer who was wrongfully imprisoned. The Beaver was a kid from a 1950s sitcom. Gee whiz Wally, won’t the Beav get clobbered?

State capitals: North Carolina’s Raleigh is a thriving city hosting the Stanley Cup champions. Oregon’s Salem is one of those state capitals you always missed on a test.

The Bard of baseball: In the decisive game 3, UNC’s starting pitcher was Daniel Bard, a first-round selection of the Boston Red Sox. When you hear “Bard,” you think of Shakespeare, a standard of excellence for the past 400 years. However, that greatness backfired on Monday. Bard lost focus by insisting on reciting sonnets to impress ESPN’s Erin Andrews.

The mighty Casey: Pat Casey is the coach of Oregon State. You can’t expect a ballclub to win when its leader has a name synonymous with striking out. Fortunately, the CWS was not played in Mudville.

1961 cross-country team: This was the only previous Oregon State team to win a national championship. They had fiercely protected that honor, threatening any subsequent Beavers with the audacity to try to join them. The baseball club must now face the consequences, brazenly crossing these 60-something distance runners.


By overcoming these obstacles, Oregon State has provided great inspiration to its followers. They believe that anything can happen in baseball. Well, except for the Cubs winning the World Series.

Central Blasting

The St. Louis Cardinals remain in first place in the National League Central with a 42-32 record. However, they cannot thank the American League Central for their lofty position, as the Cards have dropped six consecutive games to the Chicago White Sox and Detroit Tigers. The AL Central has had a field day with its NL counterpart, going 41-19 in head-to-head matchups this season.


Each of the top three teams in the AL Central is 10-2 against the NL Central in 2006. The Detroit Tigers lead the division with a 51-25 record – best in the major leagues. The Tigers have been as abusive to their inter-league opponents as ace Kenny Rogers is to cameramen. They are off to their best start since 1984, when the franchise captured its last World Series title. Seeking to recapture the magic of that time, team personnel have plastered “Re-elect Reagan” stickers all over the clubhouse.


Just behind Detroit are the defending champion Chicago White Sox. Before dropping a 13-inning marathon Sunday night, the Sox had tormented the Houston Astros. In addition to last fall’s World Series sweep, Chicago took the first two games this weekend. Those victories were on the heels of three-game sweeps of the Cardinals and the Cincinnati Reds. The White Sox had 20-run and 13-run outputs in the first two contests versus the Cardinals, preparing St. Louis fans for the scoring outbursts they’ll see from Rams opponents this fall. Chicago’s treatment of the NL Central has inspired critics to denounce manager Ozzie Guillen for his blatant insensitivity toward the division.


The Minnesota Twins have used inter-league play to improve to 39-35 overall. Catcher Joe Mauer has been exceptional, leading the major leagues with a .368 batting average. Mauer was the #1 overall selection in the 2001 major league draft – one spot ahead of the Cubs’ Mark Prior. The two high draft picks crossed paths Saturday, with the Twins defeating Prior 3-0. After the game, Mauer shook hands with Prior, sending him back to the disabled list.


Even the Kansas City Royals have been successful against the NL Central, going 7-5 against their inter-league foes. Included in that record was a three-game sweep of the Pirates. However, the sweep was not overly impressive, as it was accomplished against actual pirates. Their wooden legs took away their speed on the basepaths, and their eyepatches severely limited their vision at the plate.


Only the Cleveland Indians have failed to uphold the honor of the AL Central, with a 4-8 record against their NL counterparts. Despite DH Travis Hafner’s big numbers, Cleveland is a huge disappointment with a 33-41 mark – 17 games out of first. Their three-game sweep by Milwaukee could be excused, since the Brewers used to be a division rival and may not have been viewed as an inter-league opponent. However, they get no such pass for dropping a series to the Cubs.


The AL Central has one more week to enjoy inter-league play. After next Sunday, the division members must come to the same difficult realization that schoolchildren do each September. Vacation time will be over.

Annan Heckles U.S. UN Ambassador After Ghana's Victory

Ghana eliminated the United States from the World Cup today with a 2-1 victory. The defeat was a huge disappointment for an American team eager to make an impact on the international soccer landscape. John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, is particularly frustrated by today’s result. Bolton has had to endure merciless taunting from UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan, a native of Ghana.


Touted as the best American squad in history, the U.S. turned out to be highly overrated. Despite a difficult draw, the team expected much better than a draw and two defeats in its matches. Italy scored as many goals for the U.S. as the American players did. This lack of offense came from a squad ranked fifth in the world by FIFA. However, those rankings are largely considered unreliable, particularly since the #8 position went to the team from Bend It Like Beckham led by Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley.


This ineptitude has led Annan to drop by Bolton’s office for a regular dose of heckling. It began immediately after today’s final whistle with Annan asking, “Hey Bolton, do you know what ‘USA’ stands for? ‘Ugly Soccer Always!’” He continued, “I know it’s hard to find enough players in a nation of 300 million – that’s really tough odds against our 22 million.” In a subsequent e-mail, the Secretary-General wrote, “Bolton, sorry about the hard time I gave you. I know the U.S. isn’t a soccer country. But at least you still dominate in baseball. Whoops, forgot about the World Baseball Classic. Well, not everything is as automatic as a gold medal in men’s basketball. Wait, never mind…”


Annan also incorporated significant UN issues into his abuse. He informed Bolton, “When Americans say, ‘Bring our troops home,’ ‘troops’ does not mean ‘soccer team.’” The Secretary-General then appeared to take a serious tone, noting, “I really do care about the U.S. World Cup team. The UN is committed to assisting anyone who is downtrodden.” After some chuckles, he added, “But things will get better – maybe Angelina Jolie will adopt them.” After Annan walked away, Bolton complained to his assistant, “I feel like I’m in Guantanamo Bay.”


Annan acted in a similar manner after Ghana’s 2-0 defeat of the Czech Republic last Saturday. He gave plenty of ribbing to Hynek Kmoníček, Czech Ambassador to the UN. Annan proclaimed, “Sorry Hynek, your Czechs got bounced!” He then took a Post-it note on Kmoníček’s desk, writing “Prague-nosis: Defeat” before sticking the note onto the ambassador’s computer screen.


However, the Secretary-General surely takes particular joy in getting under Bolton’s skin. The ambassador has alienated many at the UN’s New York headquarters with his blunt manner. He has often been sharply critical of the UN and has called for widespread reform. Of course, the war in Iraq makes Bolton, as well as the nation he represents, even more unpopular at the UN. However, Annan noted that U.S. coach Bruce Arena clearly desires peace, because “his guys never go on the offensive.”


Annan is unlikely to be so giddy on Tuesday, when Ghana takes on powerhouse Brazil in the knockout round. However, do not expect Brazilian UN ambassador Ronaldo Mota Sardenberg to gloat if his country triumphs. By authority of the UN Charter, Annan could banish him from the premises with a red card.

Why Miami Won the NBA Title

Tuesday night the Miami Heat held off the Dallas Mavericks 95-92 in Game 6 to capture the NBA championship. After squandering a 2-0 series lead, the Mavericks are left to ponder what might have been. Meanwhile, Finals MVP Dwyane Wade has entered a rarefied air, while Shaquille O’Neal and Pat Riley have earned another ring. The following reasons explain why South Florida is celebrating today.


Carolina Hurricanes. With one destructive weather pattern winning a title this week, the Heat was bound to follow suit.

Florida Marlins. The baseball club is on a surprising nine-game winning streak. The Heat had to keep winning to have any hope of maintaining local sports fans’ interest.

L.A. sports talk radio. Sure, the Dodgers are in contention, but Angelenos would prefer yet another opportunity to analyze the breakup of Shaq and Kobe.

Uphill fight for Howards. Ryan Howard drove in seven runs Tuesday night, yet the Phillies still lost to the Yankees. So why would 14 points and 12 rebounds be enough for Josh Howard?

German sports fans. With all their energy focused on the World Cup, they had no positive energy to send across the Atlantic to Dirk Nowitzki. You can’t get all your inspiration from David Hasselhoff.

Master of Champions. If the series had gone seven games, you’d have to wait beyond Thursday to see the blind-folded foot archery display on ABC. America needs its bizarre reality shows NOW!

Alonzo Mourning’s legacy. It’s just inconceivable that a longtime center from Georgetown could end his NBA career without a championship.

1992 NBA draft. Shaq and Mourning were the top two selections that year. So next season, the team that unites Chris Webber and Shawn Bradley – 1 & 2 in 1993 – will win the title.

Terrell Owens. T.O. had nothing to do with the Mavericks’ loss, but Dallas sports fans might as well get used to focusing their wrath on him.

CBS Lineup. Dallas is long gone, but CSI: Miami is on fire. As Riley does with Gary Payton, the CSI techs put Gloves to good use.

Florida hoops glory. On the heels of the Gators’ NCAA championship, the Heat made it a college/pro sweep for the Sunshine State. With basketball such a force, you have to wonder if football will ever catch on in Florida.

Stan Van Gundy. The former Heat coach misplaced his Pat Riley voodoo doll over the last four games.

3-Pointers are for suckers. The Heat was 2-18 from long range in game 6. Reggie Miller retired before this season because he knew that 3-pointers were no longer important.

Ownership. Heat owner Micky Arison is #94 on Forbes magazine’s list of the “World’s Richest People.” Mark Cuban, at #428, simply did not have the resources to compete.

2003 NBA draft. With a championship ring of his own, Wade can finally stop being jealous of Darko Milicic.


The NBA’s attention now turns to next week’s draft. That event brings a phrase you won’t soon hear again: “The Toronto Raptors are in the spotlight.”

Prime Minister Harper Pledges To Bring Future Game Sevens To Canada

Monday night the Carolina Hurricanes defeated the Edmonton Oilers 3-1 in Game 7 to capture the Stanley Cup. With the Oilers’ defeat, Canadian teams still have not won the Cup since the Montreal Canadiens did so in 1993. Like millions of his fellow countrymen, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper is tired of seeing victory celebrations south of the border. Seeing what a difference the home ice advantage can make, Harper has vowed to reverse the drought by bringing future game sevens to Canada.


This year marked the third time since 1993 that a Canadian team dropped game 7 in the finals. On each occasion, the decisive contest took place in the United States. The New York Rangers topped the Vancouver Canucks in 1994, and the Tampa Bay Lightning bested the Calgary Flames in 2004. In each case, the home team was the one with the better record during the season. However, Harper feels that for a city to host a game 7 in the Stanley Cup finals, at least five percent of its citizens should have some idea of what icing is.


Harper took office in February after his Conservative Party came to power in the House of Commons. The Conservatives’ campaign strategy was primarily based on blaming the ruling Liberal Party for failing to keep the Stanley Cup in Canada. Conservatives pointed out that when the Liberals and new Prime Minister Jean Chretien gained control in November 1993, Montreal was the reigning champion. Canadian teams had won eight of the previous ten Stanley Cup titles. However, Chretien was ineffectual in countering President Clinton’s aggressive strategy to return the Cup to the United States. Reportedly, the president was furious that consecutive World Series had been won by Toronto and vowed vengeance on his northern neighbors. Later asked if he were responsible for the Quebec Nordiques’ move to Colorado, Clinton responded, “That depends on what your definition of ‘move’ is.”


Prime Minister Harper, a Calgary Flames fan, vows to take stronger action on the issue. He is particularly rankled that in each of the past two finals, a team from the southeastern United States has triumphed over one from Alberta. “Look at the Carolina Hurricanes’ roster,” he bristled. “Canadians all over the place, and not one guy from the Carolinas! So why should Raleigh get game 7?” He further complained that not only do North Carolinians mispronounce “Roy,” but they believe it is the first name of a college basketball coach, rather than the last name of a legendary goaltender.


Harper has appealed to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to change the home ice rules in favor of Canadian franchises. Under the prime minister’s proposal, no U.S. team could host game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals against a Canadian opponent. Bettman is not very popular in Canada, but the prime minister knows that he must work with the commissioner to achieve his objectives. Harper promises not to call Bettman “Keyser Soze,” despite his resemblance to Kevin Spacey. The prime minister may even offer the commissioner a cabinet position, although Bettman is not a Canadian citizen. Insiders believe that Bettman would be an excellent choice as the Minister of Penalty Boxes.


The Canadian leader may have some surprising support from his U.S. counterpart. Reports have surfaced that President Bush wanted Edmonton to defeat Carolina. White House officials denied these claims, noting the president’s unwavering patriotism. However, the reports are widely believed to be true, since Bush has proven to be far more responsive to Oilers than to Hurricanes.


It remains to be seen whether Prime Minister Harper will be able to bring game sevens to Canada. If he is successful, he will be a national hero. Canadian hockey fans love a guy who converts on a power play.

Mickelson Joins Braves Bullpen

On the verge of winning his third consecutive major championship on Sunday, Phil Mickelson endured a historic collapse at the U.S. Open. Leading by one stroke at the 18th hole, Mickelson finished with a double-bogey to gift-wrap the title for Geoff Ogilvy. Afterwards Lefty announced that he will join forces with a group that is used to blowing leads. Mickelson has agreed to terms with the Atlanta Braves to join their bullpen.


Before his 2004 Masters victory, Lefty had been derided for coming up short in every major. However, with three major championships now under his belt and a fourth in sight, Mickelson was in territory only Tiger Woods could understand. Soon Tiger was replaced by Jean Van de Velde as Phil’s measuring stick. Sunday’s finish was the worst U.S. Open collapse since Tin Cup hit ball after ball into the water. Like Tin Cup, Mickelson’s playing partner on Sunday was Don Johnson.


Perhaps Mickelson could not finish effectively at Winged Foot because the sports gods had decided that there were already too many closers in New York. Mariano Rivera has stamped his ticket to Cooperstown during a sterling career with the Yankees. Likewise, Billy Wagner is a ninth-inning horse for the Mets, one of many acquisitions helping them to a dominant position in the National League East. However, unlike those two, Lefty was not allowed to have Metallica’s “Enter Sandman” blaring before stepping up to the 18th tee. With no head-banging inspiration available, he badly missed the fairway and later became a man entering the sand.


The Braves endured a collapse of their own on Sunday, with the bullpen allowing six eighth-inning runs in a 10-7 loss to the Boston Red Sox. The defeat was Atlanta’s seventh in a row. John Smoltz was in line for the win, but for the fifth time this season the bullpen cost him a victory. As a result, Smoltz has reportedly requested that his Home Depot commercial get pulled from the air. In the ad, a substitute takes over for him when he cannot complete his duties at the grill. Smoltz feels that the public will not believe that he can receive quality relief, remarking that a realistic portrayal would have the substitute griller setting the yard on fire.


The numbers for the bullpen are brutal. Braves relievers have an ERA over 5, and they have blown 14 of 29 save opportunities. Perhaps longtime pitching coach Leo Mazzone had good reason to bolt for Baltimore in the off-season. Even during the frequent good times for Atlanta since 1991, Mazzone was famous for his habit of rocking back and forth in the dugout. This season in the late innings, Mazzone might have chosen instead to repeatedly bang his head against the wall.


Things are so bad, the rotten luck has spread to other bullpens in Atlanta. Georgia Tech exited the College World Series after blowing late leads in each of its two games. At this point, the only quality closer from Atlanta is Brenda Johnson, the character played by Kyra Sedgwick in The Closer. In her case, TNT is a network. Otherwise, TNT is a substance less explosive than the Braves bullpen. They know drama.


Joining the Braves staff makes sense for Mickelson, since he has enjoyed his time in Georgia this year. Phil won his second Masters and third BellSouth Classic in 2006. In his first appearance at Turner Field, Lefty plans to wear a green jacket over his Braves uniform. Jim Nantz will take a turn on the P.A. system, telling Atlanta fans that they are witnessing a tradition unlike any other. The main difference from the Masters is that women have a better chance of playing at Turner Field than at Augusta National.


Smoltz, an avid golfer, is looking forward to having Mickelson as a teammate. He will have plenty of opportunities to use Phil’s insight on the course. Compared to past years, Smoltz will have far more time for golf this October.

College World Series: Links Between the ACC & Non-ACC Participants

The College World Series begins today at Rosenblatt Stadium in Omaha. Four of the eight teams – Clemson, Georgia Tech, North Carolina, and Miami – have an obvious connection to each other as fellow members of the ACC. The bonds between these four and Cal State Fullerton, Georgia, Oregon State, and Rice may not be as obvious. However, each ACC participant does share links to its non-conference counterparts, as illustrated by notable individuals who have spent time at the schools.


CLEMSON:

Cal State Fullerton: Marc Cherry created Desperate Housewives
Clemson: Kris Benson has a wife who’s desperate for attention

Clemson: Dwight Clark teamed up with Jerry Rice
Georgia: Wayne Knight, as Newman, tormented Jerry Seinfeld

Clemson: Brian Dawkins motivates his Philadelphia Eagles teammates
Oregon State: Sara Jean Underwood, Playboy’s Miss July, motivates sperm donors

Rice: Norm Charlton was one of the Cincinnati Reds’ “Nasty Boys”
Clemson: Strom Thurmond kept doing the nasty in old age, fathering four children after turning 68


GEORGIA TECH:

Georgia Tech: John Salley co-hosts The Best Damn Sports Show Period
Cal State Fullerton: Kevin Costner’s The Postman was called “the worst damn movie period”

Georgia: The Heat’s Shandon Anderson seeks the Larry O’Brien Trophy
Georgia Tech: Jeff Foxworthy seeks yuks with Larry the Cable Guy

Oregon State: Linus Pauling won Nobel Prizes in chemistry and peace
Georgia Tech: Stephon Marbury disrupts his team’s chemistry and peace

Georgia Tech: Football coach Chan Gailey once coached the Cowboys
Rice: Larry McMurtry wrote a screenplay about gay cowboys


NORTH CAROLINA:

Cal State Fullerton: Gwen Stefani, with No Doubt, sang “Don’t Speak”
North Carolina: Stuart Scott inspires many viewers to wish he didn’t speak

North Carolina: Louise Fletcher, as Nurse Ratched, worked in a nuthouse
Georgia: Zell Miller, as a U.S. senator, works in a nuthouse

Oregon State: High jumper Dick Fosbury invented the Fosbury Flop
North Carolina: The Matt Doherty coaching era was a flop

North Carolina: Julius Peppers leaves quarterbacks “All Shook Up”
Rice: Lance Berkman is called “Fat Elvis”


MIAMI:

Miami: The Rock starred in Walking Tall
Cal State Fullerton: Bruce Bowen is tall and sometimes walks

Georgia: Champ Bailey puts hits on opponents
Miami: Suzy Kolber got hit on by Joe Namath

Miami: Gloria Estefan promised, “The rhythm is gonna get you”
Oregon State: Chad Johnson proved her correct with his touchdown dances

Rice: Alberto Gonzales is the United States attorney general
Miami: The U’s football players generally need attorneys


The involvement of eight teams, as well as the double-elimination format, makes the College World Series different from its major league counterpart. However, one thing remains the same: no one from the National League will win this World Series, either.

Source: Roethlisberger Crash Part of Bengals' Conspiracy

On Monday, Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger suffered numerous injuries in a motorcycle crash in downtown Pittsburgh. The incident came a year after Cleveland Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. endured a motorcycle crash that caused him to miss the 2005 season. Reports have surfaced that these seemingly unrelated events are connected. An anonymous source claims that the incidents were part of the Cincinnati Bengals’ conspiracy to convince division rivals to ride motorcycles.


Roethlisberger was not wearing a helmet at the time of his accident. Such risky behavior had drawn concern from the Steelers organization. Big Ben had even wanted to forgo helmets on the football field before being overruled by head coach Bill Cowher. Last summer, former Steelers legend Terry Bradshaw expressed his dismay over Roethlisberger’s motorcycle riding, feeling that the activity put him in needless jeopardy of serious injury. The Cincinnati front office allegedly arranged for Bradshaw’s appearance, feeling that Big Ben would do the opposite of what the Fox broadcaster advised. This strategy was based on the belief that the phrase “Terry Bradshaw, voice of reason” was too ridiculous to be taken seriously.


Fortunately for Roethlisberger, his injuries do not appear to be as severe as Winslow’s. Big Ben broke his jaw and nose while suffering minor knee injuries, but he is expected to be available when the Steelers begin defense of their Super Bowl title. Winslow, on the other hand, tore knee ligaments and did not see any action last fall. Surveillance video caught Winslow performing stunts in his ride around a parking lot. According to the anonymous source, video also showed a man in a Bengals jersey urging Winslow to try more dangerous maneuvers. That footage has not been shown to the public.


The other members of the AFC North, the Baltimore Ravens, have not endured any motorcycle mishaps. However, safety Ed Reed and linebacker Ray Lewis appear to have been targeted. One recent morning, a new Harley-Davidson mysteriously appeared outside Reed’s front door, with a note saying, “This is not from anyone in the Bengals organization. Really, I swear.” Lewis reportedly received a phone call in which the caller disguised his voice and went into great detail about the benefits of motorcycle riding. The fake voice trick apparently did not work, as Lewis knew from caller ID that he was talking to Chad Johnson.


According to the allegations, the conspiracy appears to target division rivals who played college football at Miami. Hurricanes have long been known for their swagger. They are considered more likely than other college players to have a sense of invincibility. Therefore, the theory is that they can be convinced to try dangerous pursuits such as motorcycle riding without fear of injury. The focus on Roethlisberger seems to be an oversight, as he played for Miami of Ohio.


Bengals officials could not be reached for comment. However, they have been stringent in forbidding any of their team members from riding motorcycles. Reportedly, they have been particularly emphatic on this issue with new wide receiver Arthur Fonzarelli, whose love for motorcycles is well-known. The front office clashed with the Fonz over his desire to perform a dangerous stunt with his bike, leaping over golfer Greg Norman. Team officials eventually won out, convincing him that jumping The Shark could lead to disaster.


Sources close to commissioner Paul Tagliabue noted that the league will investigate the allegations. In the meantime, Roethlisberger’s former teammate Jerome Bettis has already taken action in an emergency meeting of Miller Lite’s Men of the Square Table. With no exceptions, motorcycle riders must wear helmets, in accordance with Man Law.

MLB To Hold Banned Substances Spelling Bee

Already casting a huge shadow over major league baseball, performance-enhancing drugs have generated more controversy this week. Human growth hormone has joined steroids in the glaring media spotlight. Reeling from the scandal, the commissioner’s office has decided to create something positive out of the mess. Bud Selig announced that major league baseball will create a spelling bee, in which all the words used are on the league’s banned substances list.


The announcement comes in the aftermath of a raid by federal officials that found human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs in the home of Arizona pitcher Jason Grimsley. The now-former Diamondback admitted that he had used human growth hormone, amphetamines, and steroids in order to bolster and prolong his career. Prior to this week, Grimsley was best known for crawling through a Comiskey Park air conditioning duct in 1994 to retrieve Albert Belle’s allegedly corked bat, which had been confiscated by umpires. So while Grimsley has been unremarkable as a pitcher, he has long been an All-Star cheater.


The federal investigation will certainly find its way to many other major leaguers, causing a public relations nightmare for the MLB office. The commissioner feels that the spelling bee could help to make the best of a bad situation. Selig remarked, “When federal investigators give you lemons, make lemonade. L-E-M-O-N-A-D-E. Lemonade.”


Each major league team will have one boy or girl represent it in the competition. The official rules of the Scripps National Spelling Bee will be in effect. Contestants will be asked to spell words such as androstenedione, stanozolol, and dehydrochloromethyltestosterone. Players suspended under the MLB drug policy could also provide material. For example:

Moderator: “Your word is ‘Palmeiro.’”
Contestant: “Could you use it in a sentence, please?”
Moderator: “Rafael Palmeiro told Congress, ‘I have never used steroids. Period.’”
Contestant: “Palmeiro. F-A-K-E-R. Palmeiro.”


Like major leaguers, the spellers will be subjected to a drug test before they compete. No positive tests are expected from the children, but officials do have one major concern. An excessively nervous contestant could do all his peeing in his pants, before he manages to do so in a cup. Any contestants who do test positive will be removed from the competition and revoked of video game privileges for a month.


The league office feels that the competition will be very popular with the public. Recent spelling bee-themed films Akeelah and the Bee and Spellbound have centered much attention on the contests. ABC even televised the finals of the 2006 Scripps National Spelling Bee in prime time. However, the network was apparently confused when it agreed to broadcast the competition. Having experienced success with series such as Charlie’s Angels, The Love Boat, and Dynasty, ABC thought it would be televising a show by Aaron Spelling.


The commissioner’s office hopes that the spelling bee aids the league in a sometimes elusive goal: connecting with kids. The contest will be held in Williamsport, Pennsylvania to coincide with the Little League World Series. Having the two events in the same venue will allow for one of the hallmarks of youth to take place: athletes making fun of smart kids.


Numbers have always been special for baseball, with 56, 755, and .406 instantly recognizable to fans. However, the cloud of performance-enhancing drugs has cast doubt about many seemingly impressive figures. To major league baseball, there’s one way to respond to what many consider the cheapening of its numbers. With letters.

Fun Facts About the World Cup

Germany is the sports capital of the world this month as it hosts the World Cup. Competition begins Friday, with the Germans taking on Costa Rica. The fervor of soccer fans in most of the participating nations is generally not matched in the USA. However, this quick primer should make you a little more informed about the World Cup and soccer in general.


Contrary to popular belief, the World Cup was not named for former NBA guard World B. Free. His high scoring was contradictory to the principles of soccer.

The World Cup is the most widely-viewed sporting event in the world. Surprisingly, second place belongs to the Meineke Car Care Bowl.

In most countries, soccer is known as football. Unlike American football announcers, soccer broadcasters do not feel the need to constantly remind fans of what sport they are watching (“These football players are playing great football in this football game.”)

Brazil, attempting to repeat as champion, is the only country to previously accomplish the feat. Their 1962 triumph delivered on a guarantee made during the 1958 victory celebration by Pat Riley.

The sport’s most well-known rule is that players, excluding the goalkeeper, are forbidden to use their hands. One major exception is that soccer-playing pirates may utilize their hooks.

In 1994, Cameroon’s Roger Milla became the oldest player to score a goal in the World Cup, at 42 years and 39 days. Last week, he signed a contract to pitch for the Houston Astros.

A player expelled from a game receives a red card. His team plays the rest of the game a man short. On the bright side, a red card entitles the recipient to a free sub at Quizno’s.

This year brings the first World Cup appearance for Trinidad & Tobago, Ivory Coast, Angola, Ghana, Togo, and Ukraine. These teams will be hazed by the others, forced to sing their fight songs at meals.

Soccer’s international governing body is FIFA, which stands for Football Is Frickin’ Awesome!

The United States team is rooting heavily for the Dallas Mavericks in the NBA Finals. They feel that if Dirk Nowitzki wins a championship in the USA, the Germans should allow them to do the same in their country.

The modern game of soccer was developed in England in the 1800s, in response to Queen Victoria’s request for an activity to bring hooligans together.

The 1978 championship match was the only one since 1950 that did not include either Brazil or Germany. On that occasion, the Netherlands lost to Taylor Hicks.

A “Golden Goal” is a game-winner scored in sudden-death overtime. The Golden Goal earns the scorer a trip to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.

The official FIFA World Cup Trophy goes on loan for four years to the victorious nation. Many fakes have turned up on EBay, with some versions listing Krypton as the 1982 champion.

England still fumes over a 1986 loss to Argentina, cursing Diego Maradona’s infamous “Hand of God.” Similarly, Gary Coleman still fumes over his noogies on the Diff’rent Strokes set, cursing Todd Bridges’ infamous “Hand of Todd.”

The legendary Pele’s signature move was the bicycle kick, which allowed him to win the World Cup and Tour de France in the same summer.

Iran defeated the United States in a 1998 match, but it is otherwise winless at the World Cup. Sports talk radio callers in Tehran complain, “Sure, we get up for the Great Satan, but where’s that intensity against the run-of-the-mill Satans?”

Andres Cantor is a Telemundo broadcaster celebrated for shouting “GOOOOOOOOOOOALLLLLLLL!!!” He routinely keeps the call going for longer than David Blaine was under water.

In 1994, Brazil needed penalty kicks to defeat Italy for the championship. Italy’s final penalty kick was booted miserably wide by Mike Vanderjagt.

The referee adds stoppage time at the conclusion of each half due to delays from injuries and substitutions. Dick Clark has the same authority at the end of each year.


The competition culminates on July 9, when a champion is crowned. Just as Florida had “One Shining Moment” in Indianapolis, one elated nation will enjoy “Ein Glänzender Moment” in Berlin.

Dallas vs. Miami: Storylines of the NBA Finals

Saturday night, the Dallas Mavericks triumphed 102-93 in Phoenix to eliminate the Suns. They will join the Miami Heat in a very intriguing championship series beginning on Thursday. The following analysis dissects the series’ major storylines and reveals which team has the edge in each area.


First-Timers: For the first time since 1971, the NBA Finals match two franchises who have never previously been finalists. To hype the series, Dwyane Wade and Dirk Nowitzki will pose like Steve Carell for a poster labeled “The Finals Virgins.” The series MVP will go on to have sex with Catherine Keener. Neither franchise is 40, but Dallas has been waiting longer for this special moment. Advantage: Dallas

The Supreme Court: Dallas assistant Rolando Blackman was a four-time All-Star as a Maverick player. However, he was not the force that Dwyane Wade is for the Heat. So there’s no question who wins “Ro vs. Wade.” Advantage: Miami

American Airlines: The Heat plays in American Airlines Arena, while Dallas calls the American Airlines Center home. The Mavericks’ best player is from Germany, so they get the edge in frequent flyer miles. Advantage: Dallas

Cubans: Miami has a huge Cuban population. But none are worth billions, like Mavs owner Mark Cuban. Advantage: Dallas

Anti-France Movement: Dallas has incurred the wrath of France by eliminating Tony Parker, then Boris Diaw. Miami has wisely kept Frenchmen off of its roster. Advantage: Miami

Nicknames: By definition, Heat is a stifling force. Maverick scores points for nailing Kelly McGillis, but his preferred wing man is Goose, not Jason Terry. Advantage: Miami

Wanna Hear Some Impressions?: Shaquille O’Neal and Dallas coach Avery Johnson will inspire countless half-assed celebrity impersonations from the media. Johnson hasn’t been mimicked quite as much as Shaq, so “the Avery” might be more entertaining. Advantage: Dallas

80s TV Shows: Miami Vice was more trendy, but Dallas delivered huge numbers with “Who Shot J.R.?” Southfork wins over South Beach. Advantage: Dallas

College Bowl Games: For a long time, the Cotton Bowl was on par with the Orange Bowl. But the annual game in Dallas has slipped since the demise of the Southwest Conference, named for the airline. Advantage: Miami

Florida vs. Texas: The states have met in the Finals once before. In 1995, Shaquille O’Neal’s Orlando Magic got swept by the Houston Rockets. Do not be surprised if Dallas activates Hakeem Olajuwon. Advantage: Dallas

Second-Best: This spring has been brutal for #1 seeds. None made the Final Four, the Red Wings and Senators fell before the conference finals, and the Pistons and Spurs are sitting at home. Thus, Miami and Dallas were wise in having the second-best record in their respective conferences. Give the Heat an edge for having the second-best record of the two. Advantage: Miami

Super Bowl VI Revenge: The Cowboys thumped the Dolphins 24-3 in Super Bowl VI. Roger Staubach, the Heat is coming for you! Advantage: Miami

Glory Road: In the film, coming out on DVD this week, Pat Riley loses in the finals to a team from Texas. Unfortunately for the Miami coach, this series is also being produced by Jerry Bruckheimer. Advantage: Dallas

Walkers: Filmed in Dallas, Walker, Texas Ranger has been off the air since 2001. But Antoine Walker is still draining threes for the Heat. Advantage: Miami

T-Mobile Ads: The Heat have eliminated Vince Carter and Ben Wallace, who both appear in T-Mobile commercials. To avoid such bad luck, Dallas has chosen not to activate me - the happy dad eating a Cobb salad in a new T-Mobile spot. That’s really the only reason I’m not suiting up for the Dallas Mavericks. Advantage: Dallas


Tallying up the results, it’s Dallas 8, Miami 7. So the Mavericks will win a tight series, which goes the full 15 games.

Kansas City Loses Royal Status

The Kansas City Royals have endured a miserable season thus far, with a 13-38 record. This horrendous start comes on the heels of awful 2004 and 2005 seasons. Having seen enough of this ineptitude, Major League Baseball has taken a bold step. The league office has stripped the Royal status from the club, which is now known as the Kansas City Commoners.


The decision represents the lowest point yet for a once-proud franchise. The Royals won six division titles between 1976 and 1985, capped by the 1985 World Series championship. During that time, this Royal family was respected just as much as its counterpart in England. However, none of the six British kings named George were ever as powerful as George Brett. Kansas City’s George, like England’s George III, did lose some important battles to the Yankees. However, George III did not win three batting titles.


The Royals came into existence in 1969, due to the widespread assumption that the Kansas/Missouri border would be home to the world’s next great monarchy. The NBA felt the same way, so in 1972 the Cincinnati Royals made their way to Kansas City, renaming themselves the Kings. Similar to the Three Wise Men, NBA commissioner Walter Kennedy proclaimed, “A Tiny King will lead us.” Indeed, that season Kings star Nate Archibald led the league in scoring and assists. Ultimately, however, only one kingdom could truly rule in Kansas City. Therefore, the Kings began a new reign in Sacramento in 1985, blaming the Royals’ superiority on umpire Don Denkinger.


Unfortunately, the Royals have never been as regal after that 1985 World Series championship. Kansas City has not reached the postseason since then, and the club has finished with a losing record in 10 of the past 11 seasons. A successful monarchy is one that continues to develop respected world leaders. This organization has only been successful in grooming future New York centerfielders (Johnny Damon and Carlos Beltran).


After a surprising 83-79 season in 2003, the Royals fell back into misery with 58-104 and 56-106 records in 2004 and 2005, respectively. While not having the resources of Boston or the New York teams, the front office did make an effort to improve during the off-season. The signings of Mark Grudzielanek, Doug Mientkiewicz, and Tony Graffanino added valuable experience and ensured that Kansas City’s infield would be widely respected at the National Spelling Bee. The Royals also acquired outfielder Reggie Sanders, in accordance with the collective bargaining agreement’s clause that Sanders must play for every major league team during his career.


However, those efforts have not led to success on the field. The renamed Commoners are already 21 ½ games out of first place and 7 ½ worse than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, the second-worst club in the American League. Sadly, they truly deserved to lose their Royal status. Other monarchies have been abolished through legislative actions, coups, or wars. Kansas City’s is the first to be removed by Bud Selig.


Despite the bleak outlook of most observers, new general manager Dayton Moore is optimistic that the Commoners can regain their Royal status. He notes that Spain’s monarchy was restored in 1975 upon the death of Francisco Franco. Moore feels that the same scenario could unfold for Kansas City after the retirement of Julio Franco. Unfortunately for Moore, that retirement may never happen.

Bambino Cursed in 21st Century

After a seemingly endless chase, Barry Bonds hit his 715th home run on Sunday to pass Babe Ruth for second place on the all-time list. The 20th century was a glorious time for the Bambino, but things have not been so rosy for the Yankee legend since the new century began on January 1, 2001. Indeed, the 21st century has been very unkind to the ghost of Babe Ruth.


There was no hint of the Babe’s upcoming misfortune as the 20th century ended, as his impact still loomed over the game in numerous ways. In 1998, The Sporting News named Ruth as #1 on its list of baseball’s 100 all-time greatest players. His New York Yankees won the last three World Series of the century, and thanks to his curse, the Boston Red Sox were still 82 years removed from their last title. Even his birthplace was celebrated as Oriole Park at Camden Yards, built a block from his boyhood home, drew rave reviews after opening in 1992. Ruth’s ghost often watched the action at the new ballpark, and according to legend, he caused Brady Anderson’s monster 1996 season by wagering the ghost of Ty Cobb that “I can get any chump to hit 50 taters.” Ruth added, “Mmmm… taters.”


As the turn of the century neared, even those named Babe or Ruth experienced success. In 1993, Ruth Bader Ginsburg became the second woman to serve on the United States Supreme Court. The 1995 film Babe captured hearts and was a Best Picture Academy Award nominee. Fortunately for the title pig, his namesake slugger was not alive, or he might have celebrated by roasting the swine on a barbecue spit.


2001 brought a downturn in the Bambino’s fortunes. Bonds served notice that he would someday pass the Babe by smacking a record 73 home runs. Also, the Yankees fell short in their bid for a fourth straight title, dropping a classic World Series to the Arizona Diamondbacks. The Bronx Bombers have not won the Fall Classic since then, losing to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 edition. In the meantime, his old neighborhood has seen lousy baseball, with the Orioles finishing every season this century with a losing record. One would expect the Babe to distract himself with alcohol, but Camden Yards has a strict policy against selling beer to ghosts.


Most painful, of course, were the 2004 playoffs. The Red Sox finally broke the Curse of the Bambino, sweeping the St. Louis Cardinals in the World Series. Earlier, Boston had rallied from three games down to embarrass New York in the ALCS. Yankee Stadium, where the Red Sox won games 6 and 7, was once known as “The House That Ruth Built.” Now it is called “The House that Papi Owns.” Ruth’s resulting drop in the curse hierarchy was quite embarrassing. He could deal with getting passed by Hank Aaron in 1974. However, being surpassed by a billy goat was just humiliating.


Additionally, the names Babe and Ruth have taken a hit over the past few years. Mythical lumberjack Paul Bunyan recently announced that his blue ox has made a long overdue change in his name. Formerly known as Babe, he now goes by Hank. Also, Maxim had planned a “Babes Named Ruth” edition in honor of the slugger’s legendary skirt-chasing. However, the magazine scrapped the issue, as not enough hot girls named Ruth could be found.


As the Barry Bonds home run circus subsides, Babe Ruth must come to grips with the weakening of his aura. If the hardships continue, the Bambino will face the same consequence of all Yankees who struggle. George Steinbrenner will call him out in the media.

How Athletes Relate To Enron

In this week’s top business story, former Enron heads Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling were convicted of numerous counts of securities and wire fraud. The disgraced energy company’s most prominent connection to the sports world was the Houston Astros’ Enron Field, now known as Minute Maid Park. Athletes still relate to Enron in other ways, as shown by the following list.


Lance Armstrong: Cocky, cold-blooded Texan

BCS: Discloses complicated information no one really understands

Barry Bonds: Most high-profile offender from a scandal-ridden era

Eric Crouch: Never emerged again after bottom fell out in late 2001

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: “Little E” (like “The Crooked E”)

Ozzie Guillen: Brought heartbreak to the city of Houston

Rickey Henderson: Best of all-time at stealing

Sandy Koufax: Caused power shortages in California

Jim Larranaga: Ended things for Rashad Anderson (as Enron did for Arthur Andersen)

Ryan Leaf: Fell unbelievably far from blue-chip status

Warren Moon: Could not stop notorious Houston collapse (Oilers’ playoff loss to Bills)

Alex Rodriguez: Has impressive-looking numbers with no real substance

Steve Spurrier: Antagonizes the SEC

Isiah Thomas: Famous #11 – like Enron’s Chapter

Ben Wallace: A leader in energy


Sentencing for Lay and Skilling is scheduled for September 11. After that, their new home will be familiar territory for another famous athlete: Mike Tyson.

Spurs Win 2007 NBA Draft Lottery

The 2006 NBA draft lottery was conducted on Tuesday, with the Toronto Raptors emerging with the #1 overall pick. With no clear-cut choice for the top selection, it is unknown whom Toronto will choose - if they even decide to keep the pick. What is certain is that the Raptors will not be able to duplicate Orlando’s 1992 and 1993 feat of winning consecutive lotteries. The NBA made certain of that by announcing that the San Antonio Spurs have won the 2007 NBA draft lottery.


While the announcement stunned many observers, commissioner David Stern insisted that it was only a formality. Stern noted that San Antonio won the lottery in both 1987 and 1997, so it’s a foregone conclusion that the same scenario would unfold in 2007. Also, the Spurs know to win the lottery when a future Hall of Fame big man is the prize – David Robinson in 1987 and Tim Duncan in 1997. Next year’s projected top selection – incoming Ohio State freshman Greg Oden – is just as coveted by NBA franchises. On the other hand, 1989 was the Spurs’ only other lottery appearance. With Pervis Ellison winding up as the top pick, San Antonio did not bother winning on that occasion.


The decision brightened an otherwise gloomy week for the Spurs, who were eliminated in a classic seven-game series by the Dallas Mavericks on Monday. Some observers charge that Stern was attempting to upstage his frequent critic – Dallas owner Mark Cuban – with the timing of the announcement. Cuban has not been reached for comment, but officials from the Atlanta Hawks have already blistered the commissioner. Since no one cares about the Atlanta Hawks, reporters are waiting on Cuban’s press conference this afternoon in Dallas. The Mavericks owner will reportedly unload bags of money onto a table, representing payment for the fine he will get for his subsequent remarks.


Stern’s critics charge that you cannot place a team in the following year’s lottery - before the season has even been played. The commissioner responded that the NBA has done this for years with the Los Angeles Clippers. “You can’t have an NBA draft lottery without the Clippers, so we always reserve a spot for them in advance.” Told that the Clippers were not part of Tuesday’s lottery, Stern replied, “Dude, stop pulling my leg.” The reporter insisted that the Clippers had indeed made the playoffs and won a first round series. The commissioner answered in a patronizing voice, “Of course they did – in Crazyland.”


Before officially receiving the top selection, San Antonio still has the obligation of missing next year’s playoffs. That outcome may appear unlikely for a team that won 63 games in the regular season and captured three championships in the past seven years. However, two of the team’s stars have vowed to do their part. Guard Tony Parker will only be a part-time player, spending much of his time as girlfriend Eva Longoria’s new gardener on Desperate Housewives. Duncan plans to sit out the NBA season and play minor league baseball in the Chicago White Sox organization.


Since the lottery was instituted in 1985, Robinson and Duncan are the only #1 overall selections to win an NBA title with the team that drafted them. The Spurs expect Oden to follow suit. The resulting victory parades will bring jubilation to the franchise. And so will the 2017 draft lottery.

Why The Pistons Beat The Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers shocked most basketball fans by taking a 3-2 lead in their second-round series with the Detroit Pistons. The top-seeded Pistons eventually restored order, winning a tight game 6 and steamrolling the Cavaliers by a 79-61 score in game 7. LeBron James will eventually bring the Larry O’Brien Trophy to the title-starved city of Cleveland, but that moment of glory will have to wait. The following reasons show why the Pistons advanced to the eastern conference finals against Miami.


Matt Millen has nothing to do with the Pistons. Or any other Detroit team that’s doing well.

Edmonton does not have an NBA franchise. The Pistons sought to avenge the city’s honor after the Oilers eliminated the Red Wings from the NHL playoffs. With no opponent from Edmonton available, Cleveland had to feel the wrath.

The ABC Sitcom Factor. Taking place in Cleveland, The Drew Carey Show was a hit series. However, Home Improvement, set in the Detroit area, was even more popular. Emulating Tim Allen, Pistons head coach Flip Saunders receives coaching advice from a partially unseen neighbor.

Detroit has a Big Ben. In February, the team with the Big Ben (Roethlisberger) won a postseason showdown in Detroit. Today Ben Wallace and the Pistons followed suit, thankful that the Cavaliers did not have a Bus.

They weren’t playing Scrabble. Even before considering bonuses such as Double Word Scores, Zydrunas Ilgauskas would be worth 35 points in Scrabble. In basketball on Sunday, he only provided eight points for Cleveland.

Michigan needed to pay back Ohio. This was the biggest sports matchup between the states since November’s Ohio State-Michigan game, won 25-21 by the Buckeyes. To be on the safe side, arena security kept OSU quarterback Troy Smith out of the arena.

Equaling a Yankee slugger is not so impressive on the court. Saturday, Barry Bonds tied Babe Ruth with his 714th career home run. Sunday, the Cavaliers matched Roger Maris by tallying 61. Sadly, there will be no asterisk for Cleveland.

The music scene. Yes, Cleveland is home to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. But the Hall would not exist without Motown. The Four Tops symbolize the Pistons’ quest for a fourth championship.

The Anti-NC State conspiracy. Pistons assistant Sidney Lowe has been hired as the new head coach for North Carolina State. However, he will not be working full-time for the Wolfpack until Detroit is eliminated. Suspiciously, UNC alumnus Rasheed Wallace helped to delay Lowe’s move to Raleigh.

City nicknames. Cleveland is “The Forest City,” so it’s not as ready to run the court as The Motor City.

The loss prevented World Series nightmares in Cleveland. If the Cavaliers had won, they would have played the Miami Heat in the conference finals. A Cleveland-Miami postseason matchup would evoke memories of the 1997 World Series, when the Indians blew a 9th inning game 7 lead against the Marlins. Dwyane Wade would have been joined in the backcourt by Edgar Renteria.

Final Four Most Outstanding Players. The Pistons have two – Richard Hamilton and Tony Delk. Just imagine what they could have done with Anderson Hunt.

The Pistons’ win sets up an Out of Sight series. Steven Soderbergh’s Out of Sight took place in both Miami and Detroit. At halftime of Game 1, fans will be treated to George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez, getting it on at halfcourt.

The royalty issue. LeBron is called “King James,” but that’s just a nickname. On the other hand, Prince is Tayshaun’s real surname. And he plays in a Palace, so he’s clearly part of a royal family.

John Elway. I know, he had nothing to do with this series. But Cleveland sports fans are used to blaming him for postseason misery.

Will Clark & Mark Grace To Conclude Long-Running Sitcom

Two years after Friends and Frasier left its schedule, NBC must say goodbye to another longtime sitcom. Just like Jennifer Aniston and Kelsey Grammer in 2004, Will Clark and Mark Grace must now face the next chapter in their lives. Thursday evening, the former baseball stars wave goodbye to their viewers in the finale of Will & Grace.


Many observers were skeptical when the show went on the air in September 1998. Smashing a ball out of Wrigley Field is one thing, but hitting a home run in the Nielsen ratings is an entirely different matter. However, NBC executives, remembering Keith Hernandez’s guest appearances on Seinfeld, realized that first basemen were a great source of comedy. Indeed, CBS had hit the jackpot a decade earlier by basing a series on Milwaukee Brewers first baseman Murphy Brown.


The first sign that Will and Grace would excel in the spotlight together came in the 1989 National League Championship Series. Grace hit .647 and drove in eight runs for the Chicago Cubs. However, Will earned the series MVP award, batting .650 with two home runs as the San Francisco Giants triumphed, four games to one. Will set the tone with a Game 1 grand slam off of Chicago pitcher Greg Maddux, who was never heard from again.


Grace won four Gold Gloves and Will earned one, so both players displayed range on the diamond. However, their range on the soundstage was far greater. In real life, Will was a cocky native of the Deep South, but he was always convincing on the screen as a gay New York attorney. Even more impressive was Grace in portraying a neurotic Jewish woman. No one would have guessed how attractive he would look in a red wig.


As strong as Will and Grace were, they benefited greatly from the contributions of the other main performers – Jack and Karen. Jack was a flamboyant actor who often obsessed over his one-man show. Although his persona was more typical of figure skaters, Jack was partially modeled after Will’s former teammate Barry Bonds. Barry’s teammates have often commented that he thought he was in a one-man show. Karen was Grace’s sharp-tongued secretary, notable for her excessive drinking. She picked up this habit over the years while watching Grace’s Cubs.


Will & Grace was considered groundbreaking by many viewers in portraying homosexual characters on mainstream television. Many skeptics felt that such topics would be off-limits in relation to the high-testosterone world of professional athletes. Star catcher Mike Piazza even called a press conference to deny that he had seen any episodes of Will & Grace. Ultimately, the show achieved what many thought was not possible. A sport featuring locker room bonding and crotch grabbing managed to co-exist with the gay culture.


Most impressively, the show began when Will and Grace were both active players. Certainly Bo Jackson’s NFL career was a notable pursuit outside of major league baseball. However, Bo did not have to display impeccable comic timing in front of a live studio audience amid producers’ re-writes. Grace had particular demands on his time in 2001, when the Arizona Diamondbacks’ World Series title extended his season into November. Ultimately, however, Randy Johnson’s heroics paid huge dividends. Grace won a ring, and viewers got to enjoy countless Big Unit jokes.


One criticism of Will & Grace is that it was overly reliant on big-name guest stars. The executive producers countered that the show was set in New York, so this activity was standard practice. Still, sitcom purists felt that the constant grab for superstars had an adverse effect on the chemistry of the cast. They cited the casting of Alex Rodriguez on one episode as overkill, when Scott Brosius would have been perfect for the role.


Nevertheless, the series enjoyed a very successful eight-season run. Ratings were strong, and Emmy wins were frequent. Unlike Will and Grace, no current major leaguers appear ready to headline their own sitcoms. Unless, perhaps, a network decides to make Papi Knows Best.

Howard To Visit Emergency Room Before Each Phillies Game

Sunday afternoon, the Philadelphia Phillies completed a three-game sweep of the Cincinnati Reds with a 2-1 victory in 12 innings. First baseman Ryan Howard was the hero, despite a stomach virus that had sent him to the emergency room and kept him out of the starting lineup. Howard slammed a pinch-hit home run in the eighth inning and won the game in the 12th by going deep again. Based on this success, Howard plans to continue visiting the emergency room before Phillies games.


Howard apparently contracted food poisoning from something he ate in Cincinnati. The stomach virus sent him to the emergency room, from which he returned to the hotel around 3:45 a.m. With Babe Ruth in the news these days, Howard provided an appropriate tribute: a left-handed slugger, on little sleep and almost too sick to stand, taking two pitches out of the park. The only difference is that after the game, Howard left the ballpark with his teammates, not a couple of hookers.


Ballplayers are known for their superstitions, so Howard will continue to get sick as long as Philadelphia keeps winning. Sunday’s victory was the Phillies’ 13th in their last 14 contests, drawing them to within one game of the first-place New York Mets. The club is off tonight before beginning a three-game series with the Brewers on Tuesday. Howard made sure to prepare as he reached the hotel. He learned the location of the most convenient hospital, as well as the best place in Milwaukee to eat spoiled bratwurst.


Howard’s sacrifice appears to be a trend on his team, as the Phillies have discovered that self-abuse can lead to victory. Last Thursday, centerfielder Aaron Rowand made a catch for the ages, snaring a fly ball at top speed before slamming his face into the wall. The crash left his face battered and bloody like Philly’s ultimate sports hero – Rocky Balboa. As Rowand lay on the ground, observers swear they saw the ghost of Burgess Meredith screaming for him to get up. Rowand had to go on the 15-day DL, but his all-out effort saved three runs in a 2-0 triumph over the Mets. Howard has followed his lead, putting the team ahead of his own well-being. Other Phillies may soon follow suit, emulating the albino monk from The Da Vinci Code and whipping themselves in the clubhouse.


Some baseball fans claim that this voluntary sickness is an extreme and unnecessary step for such a talented player. These observers note that Howard was the National League Rookie of the Year last season and is one of the game’s most promising young sluggers. However, he has often struggled against left-handed pitchers when he has not been ill. Sunday’s blasts were against Brandon Claussen and Chris Hammond – both southpaws. Phillies manager Charlie Manuel remarked, “If he’s healthy, he pops out to the second baseman.”


Howard is surely drawing inspiration from the legendary Michael Jordan. In the 1997 NBA finals, the Utah Jazz won games 3 and 4 to tie the series at two games apiece. Always looking for an extra edge, His Airness decided to contract a stomach virus in preparation for game 5 in Salt Lake City. Barely able to stand at times, Jordan scored 38 points in a 90-88 victory. The Bulls went on to win game 6 in Chicago and repeat as champions. One would think that Karl Malone and John Stockton would have learned their lesson for the following season’s rematch. However, both Jazz superstars refused to become ill, making another defeat inevitable.


After a disappointing April, the Phillies may succeed in winning over their demanding fans. The passionate locals love a guy like Howard, who is playing the way they like it: with fire in the belly.

Summer Movie Guide For Sports Fans

Although summer does not officially arrive until June 21, the summer movie season is already under way. Many of the most prominent titles are particularly relevant to the sports world. The following guide, in order of release date, should get fans up to speed.


Mission: Impossible III: Before kickoff, what reporters called Super Bowl III for the New York Jets

Poseidon: A sinking results in a big budget disaster: The New York Knicks’ season

The Da Vinci Code: Elaborate conspiracy theories are revealed in Paris: The locals are asked about Lance Armstrong

Over the Hedge: Georgia football players’ version of the Lambeau Leap – vaulting over the Sanford Stadium hedges

X-Men: The Last Stand: Up by one point, Xavier’s defense on the final possession preserves a huge basketball victory

The Break-up: Lakers fans recall the separation of Shaq and Kobe

Cars: The key to a successful SEC football recruiting class

Click: What Terrell Owens has never done with his quarterbacks

Superman Returns: Roger Clemens rejoins the Houston Astros

The Devil Wears Prada: New Jersey goaltender Martin Brodeur displays his fashion sense

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest: Pittsburgh catcher Ronny Paulino, a Dominican Republic native, gets flattened on a play at the plate

Lady in the Water: A profile of Olympic gold medal swimmer Amanda Beard

Miami Vice: The marijuana habit of Dolphins running back Ricky Williams

Talladega Nights: An athlete travels at great speeds and crashes into walls: Phillies centerfielder Aaron Rowand

Snakes On a Plane: Jake Plummer takes pilot lessons from Kenny Stabler

Jed Bartlet To Replace Tagliabue As NFL Commissioner

This Sunday evening on NBC, Josiah “Jed” Bartlet will finish his service as President of the United States. Political observers have speculated about Bartlet’s next move after he exits The West Wing. That question has now been answered. NFL owners have selected President Bartlet to replace the retiring Paul Tagliabue as the league’s commissioner.


Bartlet will take over upon his predecessor’s exit in July. The President will assume the commissioner’s position under very similar circumstances as Tagliabue did in 1989. At that time, it was Tagliabue who replaced a long-time, respected leader (Pete Rozelle). Tagliabue also spent time as a powerful Washington figure – 24 years as an attorney - before taking the job in the NFL’s New York office. Unlike Bartlet, however, Tagliabue was not replaced by Jimmy Smits, who was then practicing law in L.A.


Bartlet’s selection is not surprising, given that the owners are primarily interested in the bottom line. The outgoing President certainly understands economics, having won a Nobel Prize in that area before entering politics. Bartlet’s honor was the reverse of Jimmy Carter, who became a Nobel laureate after his presidency. Like Carter, President Bartlet will strive to maintain peace – in this case, between owners and players.


An NFL insider expects a smooth transition from Tagliabue to Bartlet. The NFL dwarfs the popularity of other sports leagues, so significant changes are unlikely. Out of habit from the past eight years, President Bartlet does plan to deliver a State of the NFL Address every January. However, his comments will mostly focus on “how much we rock,” concluding the address with “Take that, Bud Selig and David Stern!” Hail To The Chief will not be played for Bartlet, as 31 owners would object to any apparent favoritism toward Kansas City. In terms of day-to-day activity within the league office, The NFL source expects the most significant change to be “more staffers walking briskly through the hallways while delivering witty repartee.”


As a Notre Dame alumnus, President Bartlet’s dream sports job would have been to coach the Fighting Irish football team. However, Charlie Weis is firmly entrenched in that position. Observers do expect Bartlet to bring a touch of the Golden Dome to the league office by appointing Regis Philbin as deputy commissioner. Players facing league discipline will get to plead their cases on the couch with Regis and Kelly Ripa.


Some observers feel that President Bartlet’s health issues could present a major concern. However, if anything, those vulnerabilities will only endear him to NFL fans. Bartlet has been battling multiple sclerosis throughout his presidency. He also survived a bullet wound during his first year in office. These obstacles have not kept him from performing his duties. To football fans, nothing is more admirable than a guy who plays through pain.


Bartlet does have one objective that Tagliabue was unable to fulfill: returning professional football to Los Angeles. The City of Angels has been without an NFL franchise since the Rams and Raiders skipped town after the 1994 season. Bartlet should be successful in placing a team in the nation’s #2 media market. He has consistently demonstrated his commitment to the Los Angeles area, spending most of his presidency on a soundstage in Burbank.


Yes, Jed Bartlet’s time in the Oval Office is about to end. However, the NFL’s new television contract ensures that one thing will not change: Sunday nights, he’ll still have a presence on NBC.

Barbaro & Barbosa: A Comparison

On Saturday, Barbaro remained undefeated to win the Kentucky Derby by 6 ½ lengths. Later, Leandro Barbosa scored a game-high 26 points as the Phoenix Suns routed the Los Angeles Lakers 121-90 in a decisive game 7. Barbaro and Barbosa share more than similar names, as the following comparison demonstrates.


Barbaro: Won a race that was over in two minutes
Barbosa: Won a game 7 that was over in two minutes

Barbaro: Inspired fans to drink mint juleps
Barbosa: Drove Lakers fans to drink heavily

Barbaro: Wants to win the Triple Crown
Barbosa: Survived thanks to Tim Thomas’s triple

Barbaro: Spends lots of time in the stables
Barbosa: Spending lots of time at Staples

Barbaro: Overcame stumble at the opening bell
Barbosa: Overcame suspension of Raja Bell

Barbaro: Triumphed after five weeks off
Barbosa: Triumphed to give Kobe five months off

Barbaro: A very athletic animal
Barbosa: Watches a very athletic animal – the Phoenix Gorilla

Barbaro: Same species as Mr. Ed
Barbosa: Same team as Mr. Eddie House

Barbaro: Became a shining star at Churchill Downs
Barbosa: Frustrated the star of The Shining

Barbaro: Runs like Smarty Jones
Barbosa: Runs with James Jones, who’s smart

Barbaro: Experienced victory in “The Run For the Roses”
Barbosa: Gets interviewed after victories by Jalen Rose

Barbaro: Will someday race in the Breeders Cup
Barbosa: Plays in a league of prolific breeders

Barbaro: Led by a small man riding him
Barbosa: Led by a small man who won MVP

Barbaro: A colt who came through in the clutch
Barbosa: Came through in the clutch, unlike the Colts

Barbaro: Excelled after playing of My Old Kentucky Home
Barbosa: Excelled and sent Phil Jackson home


Indeed, Saturday was a fantastic day for both Barbaro and Barbosa. If Vinnie Barbarino from Welcome Back, Kotter had been in action, he would have dominated, too.

NHL Denies San Jose, Anaheim Requests To Relinquish Home Ice Advantage

Tonight begins the conference semifinal round in the NHL playoffs. Coming off a grueling 7-game series with Calgary, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks will take on the Colorado Avalanche. However, Anaheim and the San Jose Sharks have already been dealt a major defeat by the league office. The NHL has denied both teams’ requests to relinquish their home ice advantage.


The Ducks and Sharks filed their requests based on the results of the first round of playoffs. All western conference teams with home ice advantage lost in the opening round. Even the Detroit Red Wings, after the league’s best regular season, were sent packing by the Edmonton Oilers. Detroit sports fans are absolutely stunned. Not that the Wings were eliminated, but that the Tigers are suddenly good.


The scene is far different back east, where the top four seeds all advanced into the second round. Therefore, the road ice advantage may carry a western team to the finals, but it likely won’t bring the Stanley Cup. However, the Sharks and Ducks are already dreaming of Ottawa and New Jersey – anything to distract them from the unpleasantness of opening a series at home.


Anaheim and San Jose felt that by being the higher seeds, they should have the option of whether to accept the home ice advantage or not. Anaheim began every series on the road in 2003, yet it advanced to the Stanley Cup finals. As the sixth seed, the Mighty Ducks assumed that they would do the same this season, but the Avalanche and Oilers were one step ahead of them. The Sharks planned to take things even further, hoping to play their “home” games in Boston. However, commissioner Gary Bettman has ruled that both western series will open as scheduled in California.


With the appeal denied, Anaheim must try to stop a hot Colorado team tonight at the Arrowhead Pond. Unlike the Mighty Ducks, the Avalanche will be rested after eliminating the Dallas Stars in five games. Therefore, Anaheim is particularly vulnerable if the action goes to overtime. What remains to be seen is how both teams would respond to tonight’s overtime wrinkle, if it arises. According to an NHL rule honoring Cinco de Mayo, any game tied after regulation on May 5 will be decided by a margarita-chugging contest.


The Sharks are in a similar position, contending with an Edmonton team that knows it can take down anyone. San Jose does have the NHL points leader in Joe Thornton and the league’s top goal scorer in Jonathan Cheechoo (Gesundheit!). However, fans fear that having home ice will cause their team to perform like another Shark in the clutch. San Jose could turn into Greg Norman, shanking their shots while the Oilers morph into Nick Faldo.


In The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy uttered the famous line, “There’s no place like home.” This ignorance about hockey is why Kansas does not have an NHL franchise.

NC State Offers Basketball Coach Position To Gene Hackman

A month after Herb Sendek departed for Arizona State, North Carolina State is still looking to replace him as the school’s men’s basketball coach. The program has been the frequent butt of jokes during its seemingly futile search for Sendek’s successor. However, athletic director Lee Fowler hopes he has finally found his man. Fowler has offered the position to Academy Award-winning actor Gene Hackman.


The Wolfpack AD cited Hackman’s stellar portrayal of coach Norman Dale in Hoosiers, one of the most beloved sports films of all-time. As Dale, Hackman defied the odds in leading the underdog Hickory High to the Indiana state basketball championship. Athletic department officials feel that he can provide similar inspiration as the leader of the Pack. Reportedly, Nick Nolte was eliminated from consideration due to his rampant recruiting violations in Blue Chips.


“We realize Gene played a fictional coach,” noted Fowler. “But we’ve tried and tried to get a real-life coach, and that just hasn’t worked.” Indeed, Rick Barnes, John Calipari, John Beilein, and Steve Lavin all have rebuffed the Wolfpack. Fowler even contacted Phil Ford – an all-time great player for the hated UNC Tar Heels - apparently in response to a drunken dare. Fordham coach and NC State alum Dereck Whittenburg has also been mentioned as a possible candidate. However, athletic department officials did not believe that Whittenburg could be successful without Lorenzo Charles around to clean up his mistakes.


Wolfpack fans’ gripe with Sendek was that he was usually good, but never great. While he finished his decade-long tenure in Raleigh with five consecutive NCAA tournament appearances, he reached just one Sweet 16 and no Elite Eights. For supporters of a program that won national championships in 1974 and 1983, their expectations are higher. In Hackman, they would have someone who has also won the ultimate prize on two occasions – collecting Academy Awards for The French Connection and Unforgiven. NC State fans are starved for such a level of excellence and could ignore the fact that Hackman’s last film was Welcome To Mooseport.


Most importantly for Wolfpack devotees, they need someone who can take on the neighborhood big boys. NCSU has not reached the Final Four since the storied 1983 national title run. Since then, North Carolina and Duke have combined for 17 Final Four appearances and five national championships. Sendek fared miserably against the local powerhouses. However, Hackman has experience in battling superpowers, portraying Lex Luthor in the Superman movies. Although Superman still reigned supreme, he suffered numerous setbacks to Luthor along the way and regarded him as a formidable opponent. Hackman would enjoy an even stronger position off-screen in the event of an NC State victory over the Tar Heels or Blue Devils. Unlike Superman, Roy Williams or Mike Krzyzewski could not circle the earth at superhuman speed to turn back time and reverse an undesirable outcome. Such activity is in violation of NCAA rules.


Hackman’s performance surrounding the championship game in Hoosiers was particularly endearing to NCSU insiders. Hickory faced a seemingly unbeatable opponent in the finals and won by two points. Jim Valvano’s 1983 squad accomplished the same feat against Houston’s Phi Slamma Jamma powerhouse. Equally important was a subtle reference to academics. As Norman Dale, Hackman used a tape measure to relax his nervous players, showing that the court in their home gym contained the same dimensions as the much larger field house that hosted the title game. His skill with the tape measure demonstrated that he understands NCSU’s pride in its engineering program.


It remains to be seen whether Hackman will accept the offer. The actor could not be reached for comment. Some observers feel that Hackman is too old at age 76, but he was apparently inspired by Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden – both born before he was – coaching in January’s Orange Bowl. Hackman told Larry King during a 2004 interview that he believes his acting career is finished, so availability does not seem to be an issue. Wolfpack officials have indicated that they would allow Hackman to periodically leave practice to record voice-overs for Lowe’s and Oppenheimer Funds. On those occasions, practices would likely be run by assistant coach Dennis Hopper.


Whether Hackman takes the job or not, Wolfpack fans are eager to see a new man in charge. Herb Sendek took the Princeton offense out to the desert. Perhaps the picket fence will come to Raleigh.