The MLB Sub-500

On Sunday, Dario Franchitti won the rain-shortened Indianapolis 500, which was called with 34 laps remaining. Falling short of 500 is an experience currently shared by 15 major league clubs. Life isn’t as glorious for them as Franchitti these days, and they won’t be getting post-game kisses from Ashley Judd. Here’s a quick look at the MLB Sub-500.


San Francisco Giants: 24-25. In Sunday’s loss to Colorado, Barry Bonds moved closer to the all-time record. His stolen base left him 895 behind Rickey Henderson.

Baltimore Orioles: 24-27. Yesterday, they routed Kansas City after Johns Hopkins edged Duke for the NCAA lacrosse title. So both Baltimore teams beat opponents who took last year off.

Colorado Rockies: 24-27. They’ve actually won six in a row, earning the coveted status of “hottest last place team in the majors.”

Florida Marlins: 24-27. Their weekend sweep by the Mets was capped by Julio Franco’s pinch-hit RBI single on Sunday. Florida is always accommodating to old people from New York.

Toronto Blue Jays: 23-27. “No Canadian champs since ‘93” is true in both hockey and baseball. If you want the drought to end, focus on the Senators.

Chicago Cubs: 22-27. At 2-12 in one-run games, they’ve been as effective in tight situations as Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

Pittsburgh Pirates: 22-28. Before being shut out by Cincinnati on Monday, Pittsburgh scored 33 runs in the first three games of the series. I guess all Pirates were putting up big numbers over the weekend.

New York Yankees: 21-28. Roger Clemens will likely join the Yanks after Monday’s start for Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. He’ll still be pitching for a minor league club.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: 21-28. They’ve finally realized their longtime goal of being on par with the Yankees.

Houston Astros: 21-29. During their eight-game losing streak, the Astros have scored just 16 runs. Only Lindsay Lohan has had a tougher time getting home.

St. Louis Cardinals: 20-28. Following the lead of the Steelers, Hurricanes, and Heat, here’s another defending champ who won’t be winning any playoff games.

Washington Nationals: 21-30. They were off on Monday, so the national holiday was a holiday for the Nationals.

Cincinnati Reds: 19-33. Which Cincinnati performance has been worse: the Reds on the field, or the Bengals off the field?

Kansas City Royals: 19-33. The Royals are 9-19 at home. Looks like Trent Green isn’t the only one in KC who’d rather play somewhere else.

Texas Rangers: 18-33. Over the weekend, they were swept at home by the Red Sox, who headed to Boston after flourishing in Texas. Celtics fans wish the same were true of Kevin Durant.

Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame The Charlestown Chiefs for Gooning It Up

ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. As noted in three of my previous columns, the series is overly focused on real-life sports figures such as Bill Buckner and Chris Webber. To address this issue, I expanded the approach to take a deeper look at the sports controversies surrounding fictional characters. Previously I chronicled the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa, Charlie Brown for his sports futility, and Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues.


Today I will turn my focus to the Charlestown Chiefs. Featured in the 1977 film Slap Shot, the Chiefs were a minor league hockey laughingstock under player-coach Reggie Dunlop. Their constant losing was accompanied by ridicule from the few fans who watched them take the ice. However, their fortunes turned after adopting a vicious style of play. The Chiefs fought their way to a winning streak, sellout crowds, and ultimately the Federal League championship. However, hockey purists denounced their approach as being too violent and cheapening the skill of the game


A closer examination reveals that numerous factors beyond their control influenced the Chiefs to take the goon route. I may not change your mind about the Chiefs’ role in their actions, but at least I hope to provide material to make you think – assuming you haven’t had too many hockey-related concussions. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame the Charlestown Chiefs for gooning it up, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:

Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice. The Chiefs had no idea that they would inspire a much-ridiculed 2002 direct-to-DVD sequel starring Stephen Baldwin and Gary Busey. I haven’t seen it, and chances are you haven’t either. So let’s move on…

The AFC West. The Kansas City Chiefs, coming off three consecutive 5-9 seasons, would finish 2-12 in 1977. So at the time, no one believed that a team called the Chiefs could beat up on anyone. Charlestown rose to the occasion to prove the doubters wrong. In the process, the team of misfit thugs became something never thought possible in Kansas City: a group of Chiefs that the Raiders would love.

Mill Closing: The closing of the mill made the financial outlook even bleaker for residents of Charlestown. But going to War Memorial Arena and seeing opposing players get their faces smashed provided some consolation. Fans who were losing their health care coverage could say, “At least I’m not THAT guy!”

Eddie Shore: Before the final game against the Syracuse Bulldogs, Dunlop tells his team to play “Old time hockey,” supposedly embracing a clean style. He repeatedly mentions Eddie Shore as a role model. In reality, Shore was a bruiser who piled up the penalty minutes and ended the career of Toronto Maple Leafs star Ace Bailey. So when the game deteriorates into a brawl, it really does honor the spirit of Shore. A parallel would be “old time basketball, like Bill Laimbeer.”


And now, the top five reasons you can’t blame the Charlestown Chiefs for gooning it up:

Reason #5: Philadelphia: The Chiefs could look to the City of Brotherly Love to see the benefits of fighting, both on the ice and on screen. The Flyers, known as the Broad Street Bullies, had recently won back-to-back Stanley Cup titles with a style to make Ogie Oglethorpe cringe in fear. Rocky was about to capture another prominent trophy as the Best Picture Oscar winner. Unlike today, that era’s sports landscape was far more receptive to fighting. And to championships in Philly.

Reason #4: Strip Tease. As previously noted, the Chiefs’ final game against Syracuse went haywire when the two goon-laden teams engaged in a full-scale brawl. The fisticuffs paused when Ned Braden, the one Chief who had balked at the thuggish style of play, skated around the ice while taking off his clothes. As a pretty boy with few scratches on him, Braden could get away with stripping instead of fighting. However, brawling was definitely the preferred option for most of the other Chiefs. No one wanted to see those guys skating around in just a jockstrap.

Reason #3: A Woman’s Touch. As professional hockey players, the Chiefs lived in a macho, testosterone-laden world. Homophobia was common, and no player wanted to be labeled as girly. However, the screenplay for Slap Shot and the book on which it was based were both written by Nancy Dowd. Also, the team’s owner was eventually revealed to be Kathryn Walker. So these he-men were actually created and owned by women. The players even had to participate in fashion shows. Their need to fight was a natural way of overcompensating and proving that they weren’t controlled by “a bunch of broads.”

Reason #2: The Hanson Brothers. The savage trio wound up as the breakout stars of the movie. Noticing the success of their goon tactics, Dunlop encouraged the rest of the team to follow suit. While their Artest-like dash into the stands was over the line, the Hansons did provide inspiration for geeks everywhere. They showed that nerdy-looking dudes in glasses could still be tough guys. Also, they might have had a sense that 20 years later, “Hanson Brothers” would make most people think of “MMMBop.” If so, their rage was completely understandable.


Still not convinced? There’s just one reason left, and it belongs to a screen legend who called it a career this week.

Reason #1: Hello… Newman. When Slap Shot was released in 1977, Paul Newman was a five-time Academy Award nominee, but he had not yet received an Oscar. Outwardly it may not have mattered to the man who portrayed Dunlop, but the frustration must have been building. At this point, the guy needed to hit some people. He couldn’t take it out on the Academy, so the Hyannisport Presidents had to bear the brunt of his aggression. Don’t be surprised if Kate Winslet takes the same approach and delivers hits for the Reading Royals. Eventually, Newman did receive three Oscars – Best Actor for The Color of Money, as well as honorary and humanitarian awards. On his behalf, Ned Braden accepted the trophies in a jockstrap.


So there you have it. Maybe I’ve changed your mind about the Charlestown Chiefs, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider. Now let’s clear the ice for the Zamboni.

Anaheim Haunts Detroit Sports Tuesday Night

Tuesday night in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Portland Trail Blazers emerged from the NBA Draft Lottery with the #1 selection. Blazer fans are surely ecstatic at the prospect of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suiting up at the Rose Garden Arena. Sports fans in Detroit would point to another reason why their counterparts in Portland could celebrate on Tuesday. Anaheim couldn’t ruin their night.


Orange County did a number on the Motor City last night. Most significantly, the Anaheim Ducks downed the Detroit Red Wings 4-3 to capture the NHL Western Conference finals in six games. Due in large part to the goaltending of Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Hockeytown was no match for Mickeytown. In a bitter twist for the automotive capital of the U.S., its team was eliminated in the Honda Center. The Ducks’ Honda connection does seem appropriate, since they’re getting more mileage than their competition from Detroit.


Now instead of the Red Wings capturing their 11th Stanley Cup title, either Anaheim or the Ottawa Senators will win their first. The Ducks began their run to the finals with a 4-1 opening round win over Minnesota. Therefore, their mascot Wild Wing contains the nicknames of two of their playoff victims. The then-Mighty Ducks also eliminated the Wild and the Wings on their way to the 2003 Stanley Cup finals, which they lost to New Jersey in seven games. Disney has since sold the team, but “It’s a small world” will accurately describe the U.S. television ratings for these finals.


Also last night, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim held off the Detroit Tigers 6-3. In a potential playoff preview, the Angels increased their AL West lead to 5 ½ games, while the Tigers remained ½ game behind Cleveland in the Central. Orlando Cabrera had a home run and three RBI, and his leaping catch snuffed out a ninth-inning rally for Jim Leyland’s club. Cabrera’s hang time was much better suited to Comerica Park than the Palace of Auburn Hills. In the NBA, you don’t see Orlando winning in Detroit.


The series continues with games tonight and tomorrow afternoon at Comerica. If the Angels continue the Anaheim-over-Detroit trend, the Cleveland Cavaliers will surely adjust accordingly for Thursday’s game 2 against the Pistons at the Palace. The visitors would likely take the court as the Anaheim Cavaliers. Also, in addition to getting to the foul line, LeBron James would need to make another adjustment to enhance his team’s chances for victory. You could expect him to replace his headband with a pair of mouse ears.


Obviously, Tuesday did not feature any Detroit-Anaheim matchups on the gridiron. The NFL season does not kick off for another 3 ½ months. Plus, Anaheim has been out of the league since the Rams bolted for St. Louis in 1995. Detroit has also been without an NFL franchise since the Lions hired Matt Millen.


Perhaps the Tigers will rebound tonight against 5-0 Bartolo Colon. Even if that happens, do not expect the Detroit fans to warm up to Anaheim anytime soon. Last night, Motown fans had a new nickname in mind for the home of Disneyland. To them, Anaheim was the crappiest place on Earth.

Fun Facts About The Horse Racing & Batting Triple Crowns

Saturday at Pimlico Race Track, Kentucky Derby winner Street Sense was nosed out by Curlin in the Preakness Stakes. Therefore, 1978’s Affirmed will remain the most recent triple crown horse for at least another year. Major league hitters have an even longer triple crown drought, with Carl Yastrzemski last accomplishing the feat in 1967. In honor of these rare achievements, here are some fun facts about the horse racing and batting triple crowns.


1937 was the only year in which horse racing (War Admiral) and baseball (Joe Medwick) each had a triple crown winner. The following year, both lost a match race to Seabiscuit.

Medwick was nicknamed Ducky, representing the only time a triple crown was won by a Pretty In Pink character.

1946 and 1948 winners Assault and Citation had nothing to do with the Cincinnati Bengals.

Baseball winners Lou Gehrig and Ty Cobb had a connection to their thoroughbred counterparts. Gehrig was called the Iron Horse, and Cobb was known as a horse’s ass.

Similarly, 1935 winner Omaha reminds baseball fans of the College World Series. Instead of a whip, jockey Willie Saunders used an aluminum bat down the stretch.

Omaha was sired by 1930 winner Gallant Fox. Omaha’s offspring, facing two generations of triple crown pressure, all wound up in rehab.

Gallant Fox was also the cousin of 1933 winner Jimmy Foxx.

Cobb won his triple crown in 1909 with 9 home runs. Back then, the American League had less power than a sitcom husband.

Like baseball, triple crown races before 1947 only allowed white horses.

Due to skipping the Kentucky Derby, the legendary Man ‘O War was not a triple crown winner. He was suspended from the race by David Stern.

Seattle Slew was the 1977 winner. Adhering to the usual Seattle stereotypes, away from the track he hung out in coffeehouses and played in a grunge band.

A notable difference between triple crown winners: They say, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” No one ever said that about Mickey Mantle.

A Phillie has won the triple crown (Chuck Klein), but no filly has done so. The Phillies also have one more World Series title than the fillies.

In 1933, two Philadelphia players (Klein of the Phillies and Foxx of the A’s) won the triple crown. They still got ripped on WIP.

1919 winner Sir Barton was not actually knighted until 1922.

In horse racing, the term triple crown originated because a rapper needed something to rhyme with Churchill Downs.

1973 winner Secretariat still holds the race records in the Derby and Belmont. Unlike baseball records, his marks haven’t been toppled by his steroid-injected successors.

Ted Williams won the 1942 and 1947 American League triple crowns, yet wasn’t named MVP in either season. One of those awards went to Dirk Nowitzki.

Like Williams, jockey Eddie Arcaro won two triple crowns in the 1940s. No word on what his frozen head is up to these days.

No batters won the triples crown in their triple crown seasons. That would just be too mind-blowing.

Johnny Longden, jockey of 1943 winner Count Fleet, was supposed to be on the Titanic. He avoided disaster, unlike Yastrzemski on the ’78 Red Sox.

In his first season after being traded by Cincinnati, Frank Robinson won the 1966 triple crown. Twelve years later, the Reds tried to even the score by offering Johnny Bench for Affirmed.

Rogers Hornsby won the National League triple crown in 1922 and 1925. If his first name hadn’t been plural, he only would have won once.

All triple crown horses were three years old, but no triple crown batters were. Generally speaking, power-hitting three-year-olds don’t hit for average.

NBA Playoffs & The Supreme Court

In recent days, the topic of justice has been hotly debated concerning the NBA playoffs. Contenders are competing to reign supreme on the court, but the judgments of David Stern and Stu Jackson cannot be appealed to the Supreme Court. Still, the robed ones in Washington have much in common with the postseason hoopsters. As noted below, each Supreme Court justice has an NBA counterpart who is still alive in the playoffs.


CHIEF JUSTICE:

John Roberts: Jason Kidd. Roberts is the youngest current member of the High Court. So like the Nets, the Court is led by the Kid(d).

ASSOCIATE JUSTICES:

John Paul Stevens: Jerry Sloan. Both guys used to work in Chicago and have been in their current job for a long time.

Antonin Scalia: Richard Hamilton. The conservative Scalia is an admirer of Alexander Hamilton. As Rip learned in Games 4 and 5, bad things happen to Hamiltons when their opponents shoot better.

Anthony Kennedy: LeBron James. Kennedy often represents the swing vote. LeBron’s a pretty good swingman too.

David Souter: Ben Gordon. New Hampshire’s David is a Souter who came from New England. UConn’s Ben is a shooter who came from New England.

Clarence Thomas: Tim Duncan. Thomas doesn’t speak much during oral arguments, so both guys have a quiet court presence.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Steve Nash. Like the up-tempo Suns point guard, Ginsburg is rarely described as conservative.

Stephen Breyer: Carlos Boozer. The Clinton appointee and the Utah Jazz forward both like to go to the left.

Samuel Alito: Chris Webber. Like Detroit native Webber, Alito is a recent addition to the team he’s always wanted to play for.

RETIRED ASSOCIATE JUSTICE:

Sandra Day O’Connor: Amare Stoudemire. Both received lots of attention when they left the bench.

CW To Air "Artis Gilmore Girls" This Fall

As is the case every May, some long-running network television shows are saying goodbye this month. One such series is Gilmore Girls, whose finale airs this Tuesday night. However, the CW plans a similar-themed replacement this fall. The network will add Artis Gilmore Girls to the primetime schedule.


The new dramedy will also focus on the close-knit relationship between single mother Lorelai and her daughter Rory. In honor of former NBA and ABA center Artis Gilmore, the mother and daughter will each sport an afro and mutton chop sideburns. Once again, the roles will be played by Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, assuming they each grow to be 7’2” over the summer.


In addition to paying tribute to an All-Star basketball player from the 70s and 80s, the show will mirror the style of its predecessor. Therefore, both Artis Gilmore girls will crash the boards while dispensing lightning-fast witty banter. Every time they block a shot, they’ll make a clever pop culture reference. Additionally, Lorelai will endure a strained relationship with her upper-crust mother, who wants her daughter to be more like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.


The setting of Stars Hollow will be slightly changed to All-Stars Hollow. The name recognizes the five ABA All-Star and six NBA All-Star Games for Artis during his career. Once again, the town will be filled with quirky characters – just like the ABA. Rory’s best friend will be an indie music enthusiast who frequently dunks a red, white, and blue basketball.


The CW hopes to retain fans of Gilmore Girls while adding viewers who considered it too much of a “chick show.” Artis Gilmore Girls will still feature plenty of mother-daughter bonding at the local diner. Since those discussions involve both food and sarcasm, Lorelai and Rory will often be joined by Charles Barkley. Also, the girls’ romantic travails will be analyzed not only by themselves, but in the studio by Stephen A. Smith.


The new series is sure to boost Artis Gilmore’s profile. Despite a distinguished career with the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels and NBA’s Chicago Bulls, San Antonio Spurs, and Boston Celtics, he has not been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Time has left him overshadowed by the marquee players of his era, but getting his name out there again will surely help his chances to get to Springfield. If there’s one thing that boosts your Basketball Hall of Fame credentials, it’s support from the 18-to-34 year-old female demographic.


Artis Gilmore Girls could be part of a trend this fall. Tonight, CBS bids farewell to The King of Queens after nine seasons on the air. Don’t be surprised if it gets replaced by The Bernard King of Queens.

Dale Jr. To Replace Blair As Prime Minister

Yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and NASCAR icon Dale Earnhardt Jr. made announcements regarding upcoming changes in their lives. Blair will end his 10-year term as Prime Minister, while Dale Jr. will terminate his relationship with Dale Earnhardt Inc. Today it was revealed that those two developments are related. Sources within Parliament have confirmed that Little E will take over for Blair as British Prime Minister.


The development sent shock waves throughout the United Kingdom. It had been assumed that Blair’s successor would be named according to the typical custom. In that scenario, as the majority party in the House of Commons, the Labour Party would choose the new Prime Minister from within its ranks. However, Chevrolet recently obtained the rights to be the exclusive corporate sponsor of Parliament. Under the terms of the contract, Chevy gets to choose the Prime Minister, so Dale Jr. was a natural choice. The company plans to launch an ad campaign, showing images such as Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge, and the White Cliffs of Dover, accompanied with the message, “Now THIS is our country!”


Reaction in London has been overwhelmingly negative. Blair’s popularity plummeted as he was widely viewed as being too eager to please the United States. Now his replacement will be an actual American. Given their rampant anti-Bush sentiments, Brits were infuriated to hear that Dale Jr. has raced in the Busch Series. Also, they expect their politicians to wear a suit and tie – not a red Budweiser uniform.


Rather than June 27, as originally reported, Blair will turn over his position to Earnhardt after the end of the Nextel Cup season. Sure to be disappointed is treasury chief Gordon Brown, who had been expected to be the next Prime Minister. Having a rival named Gordon is nothing new for Junior. In fact, during Brown’s most recent address to the House, Dale’s fans pelted him with beer cans.


Ironically, Little E will be headed to the UK because Dale Earnhardt Inc. was far from a United Kingdom. Animosity between Junior and his stepmother, DEI owner Teresa Earnhardt, had reached the point of no return. Hopefully his relationship with Queen Elizabeth II will be much smoother. Junior does have an understanding of royal figures, as his legendary father was the equal of The King, Richard Petty. Likewise, Elizabeth would fit in with the NASCAR culture. Last week she attended the Kentucky Derby, so she enjoys watching races with tens of thousands of drunken fans. In addition, Elizabeth has acknowledged that she would like to change her title from “Queen” to “England’s Crew Chief.”


Numerous changes are expected when Dale Jr. takes over for Blair. In honor of his father, the famous Prime Minister address of 10 Downing Street will likely be changed to 3 Victory Lane. Parliamentary proceedings at the Palace of Westminster are expected to see a huge increase in tailgating. Debate on issues will begin on the green flag and finish on the checkered flag. A caution flag will be in effect whenever a House member crashes into a wall during debate.


Political observers are eager to see how Earnhardt’s foreign policy evolves. Iraq is a primary concern, with pundits asking, “Where is Little E on the Middle East?” They will also want to know his expertise on foreign trade – not just trading paint. Dale Jr. does have experience in dealing with France, the ruling family of NASCAR. Additionally, the London Olympics are still five years away, but the new Prime Minister is expected to lobby the International Olympic Committee to make stock car racing an Olympic sport.


Junior’s upcoming term continues the intermingling of the USA and UK sports worlds. Manchester United is now principally owned by an American, Malcolm Glazer. British soccer icon David Beckham will soon be suiting up for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Even the Prime Minister position has previously been involved with American sports, as Margaret Thatcher spent a season at power forward for the Milwaukee Bucks.


Before long, Dale Jr.’s focus will shift from racing Tony Stewart to replacing Tony Blair. When that happens, Parliament will get to experience history. Little E will meet Big Ben.

Reds Implement No-Oswalt Policy At Ballpark

With 81 home dates a season, major league ballclubs must always be sensitive to the fan experience at games. High ticket prices, parking lot gridlock, obnoxious drunks, and mediocre baseball can all be major turn-offs for potential spectators. Today the Cincinnati Reds took a step to make the home fans’ experience at Great American Ball Park more enjoyable. The venue now has an official No-Oswalt policy.


The policy was implemented after the Reds’ 5-4 loss to the Houston Astros Monday night. Roy Oswalt earned the victory after allowing two runs over seven innings. The win improved Oswalt’s lifetime record against Cincinnati to an amazing 19-1. No one has been tougher on Reds since the McCarthy hearings.


With that track record in mind, management decided that Oswalt will now be prohibited from entering Great American Ball Park. Owner Robert Castellini explained, “We’re trying to promote a fan-friendly experience for the home fans. How fan-friendly can it be if their team has no shot in hell of winning?” Oswalt joins other items you won’t see at the ballpark, such as glass bottles, cans, and a quality bullpen.


General Manager Wayne Krivsky also cited safety concerns. “There’s been a lot of talk about alcohol in the clubhouse lately. Well, facing Oswalt drives our players to drink!” The Reds’ clubhouse does appear to be a safer place these days, especially since Lou Piniella and Rob Dibble are no longer there together. Cincinnati plans to further emphasize safety by hiring a new team physician, a position formerly held by Dr. Johnny Fever. As manager Jerry Narron remarked, “Safety is always a concern for us. Ken Griffey, Jr. is on our team.”


The Astros are expected to appeal the decision to major league baseball. However, the issue does not appear to be urgent for commissioner Bud Selig. After this series, Houston does not visit Cincinnati again until late September. Reportedly, Selig is assuming that the Astros ace will be a Yankee by then.


If the policy does get overturned, the Reds have a backup plan for future Oswalt starts. Noting that he is winless with a 6.41 ERA in five career starts versus Atlanta, Cincinnati would wear Braves uniforms and display a banner proclaiming “Welcome To Turner Field!”. Before things even get to that point, they plan to employ a proven strategy for getting someone banned from the ballpark in Cincinnati. They’ll tell Selig that Oswalt bet on baseball.


On the field, the Reds continue to struggle at 14-18. However, team officials remain proud of their home venue. The No-Oswalt policy is a small step to reward the home fans at Great American Ball Park. Management realizes that the Cincinnati fans have enough to worry about when they go to the ballpark. After all, sometimes Bengals are in the stands.

Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Kentucky Derby Names & Their Other Sports Meanings

Yesterday in Louisville, the draw was held to determine starting positions for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. 20 horses are scheduled to compete in the Run for the Roses at Churchill Downs. Beyond horse racing, each of the 20 names relates to the sports world in some other way. Here’s a rundown, in order of post position.


1. Sedgefield: Why Sedge will win a Gold Glove, according to Tarzan.

2. Curlin: An ice-oriented sport the Chicago Black Hawks might want to try, since hockey hasn’t worked out.

3. Zanjero: What Harry Caray would call Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano.

4. Storm in May: Something the Seattle Mariners do not want to see, after a postponement-filled April.

5. Imawildandcrazyguy: The last thing an NFL player wants to say to hard-line commissioner Roger Goodell.

6. Cowtown Cat: Phil Jackson’s nickname for Sacramento guard and former Arizona Wildcat Mike Bibby.

7. Street Sense: The logic that convinces Oakland closer Huston to walk Vladimir Guerrero with first base open.

8. Hard Spun: A NASCAR driver’s position, just after hitting the wall.

9. Liquidity: What makes you sweat, according to Yogi Berra.

10. Teuflesberg: German for “Devil’s Mountain,” representing the 3-1 deficit faced by New Jersey against Ottawa.

11. Bwana Bull: Nickname for actor Eric Bana, after he joins the Chicago Bulls and adds a “W” to his name to show his commitment to winning.

12. Nobiz Like Showbiz: Weber State business school course taught by Harold “The Show” Arceneaux.

13. Sam P.: A 1982 teammate of Michael J. and James W. in the NCAA championship showdown against Patrick E. and Sleepy F.

14. Scat Daddy: Shaquille O’Neal’s new nickname, after Shaq Daddy is traded to the Jazz.

15. Tiago: Usually seen as “T Iago” – what referee Joey Crawford would do in a production of Othello.

16. Circular Quay: Obscure British tennis player Cular Quay, who hopes to celebrate knighthood by ending the host country’s drought at Wimbledon. I’ll give you a minute on this one.

And DOWN the stretch they come!!!

17. Stormello: The Carmelo Anthony-inspired mascot of the WNBA’s Seattle Storm.

18. Any Given Saturday: A time of embarrassment for Duke football players.

19. Dominican: Reminiscent of Super Bowl standout Dominic Rhodes.

20. Great Hunter: What I’ll call Torii if he sends some Dom Perignon my way.

Oakland, Detroit & Cleveland: NFL Draft & NBA Playoffs

After much fanfare, the 2007 NFL draft is in the books. Due to their miserable performances in 2006, the first three selections belonged to Oakland, Detroit, and Cleveland. At least for a weekend, these downtrodden teams were able to enjoy the spotlight and experience a sense of hope.

Sports fans in these cities have also gotten a view from the top during the NBA playoffs. Detroit and Cleveland completed first-round sweeps, while the Golden State Warriors are the talk of the league with their 3-1 series lead over the Dallas Mavericks. Here’s how these thriving hoopsters compare to their struggling football neighbors.


OAKLAND:

Warriors: Coach Don Nelson hopes to beat Dallas, his former team
Raiders: Coach Lane Kiffin hopes he could beat USC, his former team

Warriors: Thriving under the leadership of Baron Davis
Raiders: Sinking under the leadership of Al Davis

Warriors: Beat out Clippers for #8 seed
Raiders: Beaten by blitzers on 3rd and 18

Warriors: Stephen Jackson drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law
Raiders: Sebastian Janikowski drills three-pointers and gets in trouble with the law

Warriors: Made a miraculous shot before halftime on Sunday
Raiders: Need a miracle to score before halftime on Sundays

Warriors: Jason Richardson skies high for his dunks
Raiders: In trading Randy Moss, said bye to a punk

Warriors: Have overcome the scoring of Stack and Dirk
Raiders: Quarterbacks get sacked and hit the dirt

DETROIT:

Pistons: Took down Orlando, four games out of four in the first round
Lions: Took wide receivers, four years out of five in the first round

Pistons: Have one fewer Wallace these days
Lions: Have one too many Millens these days

Pistons: Gave no chance to Jameer Nelson
Lions: Had no chance at JaMarcus Russell

Pistons: Fans love Rip Hamilton
Lions: Fans love to rip management

Pistons: Provide reminders of the Bad Boys years
Lions: Provide reminders of many bad years

Pistons: Have five quality players in the starting lineup
Lions: Have five quality players in the starting lineup

Pistons: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami
Lions: Motivated by last season’s loss to Miami, and almost everyone else on the schedule

CLEVELAND:

Cavaliers: Led to playoffs by coach Mike Brown
Browns: Led to ruin by drafting Couch and Brown

Cavaliers: Achieved franchise’s first four-game sweep
Browns: Would love to achieve a four-yard sweep

Cavaliers: LeBron James steals and finishes drives
Browns: Curse the Steelers and The Drive

Cavaliers: Avoided showdown with Agent Zero
Browns: Put up zero in showdown with the Bengals

Cavaliers: First round victory sent the Wizards fishing
Browns: First rounder Joe Thomas spent draft day fishing

Cavaliers: Kansas product Drew Gooden is a Jayhawk
Browns: Brady Quinn’s brother-in-law is A.J. Hawk

Cavaliers: Zydrunas Ilgauskas scores, boards, and goes over 7 feet
Browns: On the scoreboard, going over 7 is a feat


Tampa Bay, which had the #4 pick in the NFL draft, does not have an NBA team. Still, Tampa ended up with as many NBA playoff victories as any other Florida city.

Raiders Use #1 Pick On Rosie O'Donnell

On Wednesday, Rosie O’Donnell announced that she will not return to The View after her contract expires in June. Today the controversial host’s future plans came into focus. A source close to the Oakland Raiders has confirmed that O’Donnell has agreed to terms to play quarterback for the Raiders. Therefore, Oakland will make Rosie the #1 overall pick in tomorrow’s NFL draft.


The scenario is similar to last year, when the Houston Texans stunned observers by choosing Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young with the first selection. The Raiders had been expected to take LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell in the #1 spot. However, they decided to go with someone else who will bring great size to the position. O’Donnell will become the first female talk-show host to play in the NFL since Kelly Ripa returned punts for the New York Jets.


Draft experts were caught off-guard by the announcement. Most expressed skepticism that a 45-year-old woman with no college football experience could succeed in the NFL. Mel Kiper felt that O’Donnell’s selection would make a mockery of Saturday’s proceedings, remarking, “The NFL Draft is no place for someone who sits around and talks all day.” Expressing agreement were Chris Mortensen, Sean Salisbury, John Clayton, Chris Berman, Tom Jackson, Stuart Scott, Mike Tirico, Ron Jaworski, Tony Kornheiser, Trey Wingo, Sal Paolantonio, Suzy Kolber, and about 1200 other ESPN commentators on hand for the event.


However, O’Donnell may be able to provide immediate help to the Raiders. Oakland had a woeful offense last year, but Rosie is never reluctant to go on the offensive. Inexperienced quarterbacks often lock onto the primary receiver, but O’Donnell is happy to go after numerous targets. She has held her own with Barbara Walters, so she should have no problem beating out Andrew Walter. Among her draft peers, Rosie has a staunch believer in Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn. After seeing her face appear on the screen, Quinn called O’Donnell “the greatest offensive mind in football.” Later, Quinn sheepishly admitted that he thought Rosie was Charlie Weis.


O’Donnell should fit in well with the Raiders’ history and culture. She caused nightmares with a sex scene in Nip/Tuck, while Oakland has nightmares of the Tuck Rule. She and the team both embrace conspiracy theories, whether they involve 9/11 or the referees. Her experience on A League Of Their Own was also significant, since she’ll follow the same baseball/football path as Bo Jackson. Additionally, the team’s “Just win, baby” mantra has particular meaning for Rosie. Owner Al Davis recently confirmed that the “baby” in that slogan was adopted by a lesbian couple.


O’Donnell can also relate to Davis by having a highly-publicized feud with a power broker based in New York. Pete Rozelle passed away in 1996, but Rosie’s battles with Donald Trump are continuing. When signing her contract with Oakland, Rosie reportedly remarked, “It’s so nice to be in the NFL. Hey, can someone ask Donald how that USFL thing worked out?” Reached for comment, Trump responded, “I’ve said all along she’s a loser. Well, she’s a Raider, so it’s official.”


Since O’Donnell leaves The View in June, she will be able to report to training camp on time. To ease her transition to the NFL, numerous aspects of Raider home games will temporarily be incorporated into the show. The studio audience will be filled with scary Darth Vader and biker types. During that time, the show will be called The View From The Black Hole. Also, like Raider home games, the show will be blacked out in Oakland.


Interestingly, O’Donnell’s frequent View adversary Elisabeth Hasselbeck may provide a gauge for how successful Rosie’s quarterback stint becomes. Oakland is hoping for the production of Matt Hasselbeck, rather than Tim Hasselbeck. It remains to be seen how successful she’ll be, but one former NFL player is particularly excited about Rosie’s signing. Super Bowl XXX MVP Larry Brown has announced plans to come out of retirement. He proclaimed, “If there’s an O’Donnell at quarterback, I’m there!”

NHL's First Round Losers & Their Political Counterparts

Wednesday night brings the start of the second round in the NHL playoffs. Eight teams still have dreams of hoisting the Stanley Cup in June. However, their first round victims face the bitter reality of an early off-season. For each of these teams, their first round disappointments mirrored the setbacks of notable United States politicians. In order of seeding, here are the first round casualties and their U.S. political counterparts.


EASTERN CONFERENCE:

3. Atlanta Thrashers: Jimmy Carter. Both the team and the president hail from Georgia. Carter was bounced from the White House after four years, and Atlanta’s playoff run was also over in four. Time will tell if the Thrashers rebound to win the Nobel Peace Prize.

5. Pittsburgh Penguins: Alberto Gonzales. Like the beleaguered attorney general, the Penguins had no answers for the Senators.

7. Tampa Bay Lightning: Al Gore. Tampa Bay and Gore were ultimately undone by a loss in Florida. This time, Martin Brodeur played the part of the Supreme Court. The Lightning will spend the off-season lecturing about the dangers of melting ice rinks.

8. New York Islanders: William McKinley. Like Theodore Roosevelt’s predecessor, the Islanders met their demise in Buffalo. You weren’t expecting such an old school reference, were you?

WESTERN CONFERENCE:

4. Nashville Predators: Carl Weathers. Of the three main stars of Predator (along with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse “The Body” Ventura), he’s the only one who hasn’t been elected governor. What more does Apollo Creed have to do to impress voters? The man died for his country in Rocky IV.

6. Dallas Stars: Lyndon Johnson / George W. Bush. The Stars dropped Game 7 to the Canucks in Vancouver. But they’re not the only Texans with losing efforts in foreign countries.

7. Minnesota Wild: Walter Mondale. Like the Wild versus the Ducks, Mondale hailed from Minnesota and flopped against a favorite from California.

8. Calgary Flames: John Kerry. In 2004, Kerry was damaged by right wing veterans. This year, Calgary was undone by Red Wing veterans.

Earth Day Lessons From Giants & Diamondbacks

Sunday was a major occasion for environmental advocates, as the 37th annual Earth Day was observed. Green power did not seem to be embraced by Major League Baseball, as both Shawn Green and Khalil Greene lost despite belting home runs. However, as you might expect, the lessons of Earth Day were on full display in San Francisco. The Giants’ 2-1 victory over the Arizona Diamondbacks adhered to numerous environmentally-friendly tips. Here’s a quick recap.


Carpool: The visitors came to AT&T Park in a bus.

Turn Lights Off: The game was played in daylight.

Recycle: Saturday’s storyline was used again, as a solo home run by Barry Bonds was the difference.

Keep Water Clean: Bonds’s home run ball landed short of McCovey Cove.

Throw Fewer Things Away: Neither team committed an error.

Promote Efficiency: The game lasted less than two hours.

Conserve Energy: The teams combined for seven hits, so they didn’t have to run the bases much.

Save Trees: With just one pinch-hitter in the game, only one extra bat was used.

Avoid Over-reliance On Gas: Winning pitcher Matt Cain, while known for his fastball, can also utilize off-speed pitches.

Seek Alternative Energy Sources: Insert Bonds joke here.

NBA Playoffs Guide, From A To Z

Last night the NBA concluded the 2006-07 regular season. 14 also-rans have put their uniforms away until next fall. The other 16 teams remain in the chase for the Larry O’Brien Trophy. For a look at the postseason participants and storylines, here’s an A-to-Z guide.


ABC: Network TV home of the playoffs. To boost ratings, expect the finals to have a Dancing With the Stars format.

Boozer: Utah forward Carlos, or what David Stern will become if he has to hand the championship trophy to Mark Cuban.

Conspiracy: The reason for any team’s defeat, if you listen to its fans.

Dirk Nowitzki: The odds-on favorite for MVP, unless Sanjaya somehow wins.

ESPYs: A July event that LeBron James will co-host with Jimmy Kimmel. To get used to working together, Kimmel has joined Cleveland’s playoff roster.

Fifty: Point total reached ten times this season by Kobe Bryant. It’s also the price of a beer at Staples Center.

GMAT: A high score is crucial to getting into a top business school. Oh sorry, that’s something for the MBA Guide From A to Z.

Harry Potter: After season-ending injuries to Gilbert Arenas and Caron Butler, he might be the last healthy Wizard.

Iverson: The Denver guard left Philly early in the season. Chances are, so will Charlie Manuel.

Joker: Jack Nicholson on the Lakers’ sideline, or Charles Barkley in the TNT studio.

Kirk Hinrich: The Bulls’ point guard takes on the Heat. He can’t do any worse than the last Chicago quarterback to start a playoff game in Miami.

Leather: The material of the NBA ball, properly reinstated after an off-season change. “You’re with me, microfiber composite” never sounded right.

Mommie Dearest: The film resonates with Tim Duncan, as it showed mistreatment by a Crawford. No wire hangers, Tim!

NFL Draft: An event next week that draws WAY more interest from sports fans – 4 ½ months before any of it even matters.

Orlando: Most people there are on vacation. Before long, so will the Magic.

Prince: Detroit forward Tayshaun, or the Spurs’ inspiration as they hope to party like it’s 1999.

Quicken Loans Arena: Home venue of the Cleveland Cavaliers, unless they decide to play in Milwaukee.

Ronald Reagan: President of the United States when Jerry Sloan was hired as Utah’s head coach. Jerry’s too lazy to find a new job.

Spice Girls: They were similar to Toronto’s starting lineup: one’s a quintet with Posh, the other’s a quintet with Bosh.

Thirteen: The number of years since Golden State’s last playoff appearance. It’s also how many weeks the first round will last.

USA: The Miami Heat, unlike every other playoff team, features an all-U.S. roster. Fortunately, they don’t have to play Greece.

Victoria, British Columbia: The hometown of Phoenix star Steve Nash. Like the Stanley Cup, he left Canada and settled in the States.

We Built This City: A truly awful song from Starship. Similarly, the New Jersey Nets would have ugly results if they got rid of their Jefferson.

X-Men: A unit that has been unlike any of Chris Webber’s teams. In crucial situations, they have a Wolverine that delivers.

Yao Ming: Averaging 25 points in 48 games, he emulated Roger Clemens: A Houston Rocket dominating in just over half a season.

Zero: Average number of traveling calls in a game.

IRS & The Sports World

As procrastinating taxpayers are all too aware, Tuesday is the deadline for filing 2006 returns. In sports terms, the IRS is even less popular than the BCS. However, “Internal Revenue Service” is just one representation of those three letters. Here are numerous other IRS references found in the sports world.


Why one shock jock is out of a job: Imus’s Rutgers Slurs

Outcome of Super Bowl XLI: Indianapolis Reigned Supreme

What Jose Canseco did for Texas teammates: Injected Rangers’ Steroids

NCAA selection committee’s statement to Jim Boeheim: Invitation Rejected, Syracuse

Why Lendl was never embraced by the public: Ivan’s Robotic Style

Johnny Damon’s 2004 champions: Idiot Red Sox

Key to the Steelers’ offense: Impounding Roethlisberger’s Suzuki

St. John’s basketball in recent years: Impotent Red Storm

Result of 2006 World Cup: Italy Ruled Soccer

Ideal Game 3 scenario for Flames: Iginla Reverses Series

Information the Knicks don’t need: Isiah’s Ring Size

Danica Patrick: Indy Racing Starlet

What Darren McFadden will display this fall: Insane Razorback Speed

Cleveland baseball players’ thoughts on the weather: Indians Resent Snow

Marshall Faulk in retirement: Inactive Rams Superstar

What Sean May ensured in 2005: Illini’s Runner-up Status

Clint Barmes after he fell down the stairs: Incapacitated Rockies Shortstop

Why teams miss the playoffs: Inadequate Regular Season

Notre Dame’s fate in BCS bowls: Irish Routed Soundly

NHL playoff outcome from 1980 to 1983: Islanders Raised Stanley

Ed Reed: Intimidating Ravens Safety

Challenge for basketball visitors to East Lansing: Izzo’s Rugged Spartans

Common sight in Safeco Field: Ichiro Rips Singles

Ideal first round scenario for Nuggets: Iverson Repels Spurs

How a Cowboys receiver spent his off-field time: Irvin Revered Strippers

Hoosiers’ downfall against UCLA: Indiana’s Rotten Shooting

What Oklahoma encountered last fall in Eugene: Inexplicable Replay Snafu

Zach Johnson at The Masters: Iowan Reached Summit

Oakland football experience in recent years: Intolerable Raider Sundays

Result of Dancing Homer’s inspiration on The Simpsons: Isotopes Rocked Springfield

Pope Benedict XVI To Wear Number 42 At Sunday Mass

This Sunday marks the 60th anniversary of the day Jackie Robinson broke Major League Baseball’s color barrier. To honor Robinson’s historic accomplishment, players around the league will wear his number 42 during Sunday’s games. However, the tributes will extend well beyond America’s ballparks. A spokesman for Pope Benedict XVI has confirmed that His Holiness will wear the number 42 while performing Sunday mass.


MLB has been widely praised for Sunday’s high-profile gesture, and the pope’s support is certain to delight commissioner Bud Selig. The pontiff’s participation is appropriate when you consider that the tribute was suggested to Selig by Ken Griffey, Jr. As leader of the Roman Catholic Church, Benedict XVI is dedicated to worshipping another Junior who performed amazing feats but is usually seen in an injured position. The mass will also celebrate – one day in advance – the 80th birthday of the pope, who played minor league ball with Julio Franco.


The announcement came as a surprise to many. Skeptics did not expect a Dodger to be honored by someone who consistently aligns himself with the Cardinals. They also scoffed that a two-time National League stolen bases leader would be praised by a man who implores “Thou shalt not steal.” Additionally, Robinson won the Rookie of the Year award as a first baseman, but he played most of his career at second base. The Vatican is famously unyielding when it comes to changing positions.


However, the major leagues did have someone called “The Pope” – Paul Owens, general manager of the Phillies from 1972 to 1984. Also, there is precedent for a pontiff to honor a deceased athlete during services in St. Peter’s Square. After Wilt Chamberlain’s death in 1999, John Paul II conducted mass in a Philadelphia Warriors throwback jersey.


Born in Germany as Joseph Ratzinger, the current pope shares the same initials as Jackie Robinson. They both became something that seemed impossible when they were children: a non-white major leaguer, and a non-Italian pope. The two men also have direct experience with infallibility, albeit on opposite sides. His Holiness enjoys papal infallibility, whereas Robinson was frustrated by Don Larsen infallibility.


Worshippers will be eager to witness Sunday’s unique appearance of the pope in St. Peter’s Square, temporarily called St. Peter’s Diamond. Since he will be in the midst of Rome, the 42 on the back of his papal attire will actually read “XLII.” Instead of the traditional mitre on his head, Benedict XVI will sport a Brooklyn Dodgers cap. Also, the Ring of the Fisherman will be replaced on his finger by a 1955 World Series ring.


The mass itself will incorporate numerous details to pay tribute to Robinson. Instead of Scripture, Benedict XVI will read passages from Roger Kahn’s The Boys of Summer. During communion, the chosen hymn will be “Take Me Out To The Ballgame,” with participants receiving peanuts and Cracker Jack. Also, the pope will be flanked by signs which read “God Is Love” and “No Pepper Allowed.”


35 years after his death, the man who so honorably wore number 42 will continue to serve as an inspiration. Benedict XVI will fondly remember Jackie Robinson as he stands in front of St. Peter’s Basilica. The massive domed structure is sure to put another baseball thought into his head: “The Indians could have used this place last week!”

NBC Adds "Law & Order: Pacman Jones Unit" To Schedule

Next month, television networks will unveil their fall primetime schedules. Between now and then, they’ll face difficult decisions regarding the fate of current shows, as well as which pilots to pick up as series. Today NBC made an announcement about one newcomer to its upcoming schedule. The network has added Law & Order: Pacman Jones Unit to its fall lineup.


The news comes one day after Jones was suspended for the entire 2007 season by the NFL due to repeated off-the-field incidents. The Tennessee Titans’ defensive back was joined in punishment by former West Virginia teammate Chris Henry, who is slated to miss eight games for the Cincinnati Bengals. With the suspensions, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell sent a strong message that off-the-field misconduct will not be condoned by the league. In response, NBA counterpart David Stern expressed admiration for Goodell’s hard line. Then he fined Mark Cuban.


Pacman’s disappointment quickly turned to opportunity, thanks to Law & Order franchise creator Dick Wolf. Special Victims Unit has already been renewed by NBC for next season, but the status of Criminal Intent and the original Law & Order remain in limbo. Jones’s endless rap sheet ensured that Wolf would have plenty of material for another “ripped from the headlines” series. The show will be shot in New York, as will anyone who looks at Pacman the wrong way.


The series revolves around a police unit specifically created to investigate crimes committed by Pacman Jones. Admittedly, the show may lack the suspense of other crime dramas, since the criminal will be known in every episode. However, Jones will star as himself and will provide far more open-field highlights than a creepy serial killer. A police lineup will be part of every episode, with Mel Kiper Jr. assessing the draft stock of each person in the lineup.


The new show will contain numerous elements familiar to Law & Order fans. This opening statement will be used: “In the criminal justice system, a cornerback who takes punts to the house and makes it rain is considered especially dangerous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate this player are members of an elite squad known as the Pacman Jones Unit. These are their stories…” Also, the iconic “Dun-Dun” cellblock sound will be slightly revised to a quarterback shouting “Hut-Hut!” Crossovers among the L&O shows will continue, and Wolf even plans some crossover between his franchise and the Titans. Therefore, expect to see Vince Young tossing passes to Mariska Hargitay.


As for Jones, the new series will help keep him occupied while he’s out of football action. In fact, he will have numerous television opportunities. NBC also plans to use him on the next season of The Apprentice. After Donald Trump says, “You’re fired!” to a contestant, Jones and his posse will add insult to injury by pummeling the castoff in the boardroom. Pacman also plans to join Henry and new West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins in an ad campaign for the university. Echoing the “This is our country” Chevy commercials, images of the trio will be accompanied by John Mellencamp’s singing of “These are our convicts…”


It remains to be seen how Tennessee will address the absence of Jones in the secondary. Perhaps the Titans can work out a deal with the Kansas City Chiefs to bring Ty Law to Nashville. Pacman can’t follow the law, but maybe the Law can follow him.

Zach Johnson: This Year's George Mason

Before the NCAA tournament, everyone insisted on asking, “Who is this year’s George Mason?” However, the 2007 edition of March Madness had no Cinderellas to replicate the Patriots’ magical run of last year. Major upsets were almost nonexistent, and the Final Four consisted of all #1 and #2 seeds. Therefore, the answer to “Who is this year’s George Mason?” seemed to be “no one.”

As it turned out, the question should have focused on a different sporting event to culminate in Georgia during early April. Sunday, the Masters Tournament was won by a man who had missed the cut in his previous three majors. The 2004 BellSouth Classic was his only PGA Tour victory before this weekend. As such an unlikely winner, Zach Johnson truly became this year’s George Mason. He may not have been coached by Jim Larranaga, but here’s how Johnson compares to last year’s Final Four longshots.


Zach Johnson: Wore the green jacket
George Mason: Wore green uniforms

Zach Johnson: Celebrated his victory in Butler Cabin
George Mason: Celebrated thanks to guard Lamar Butler

George Mason: As a D.C.-area team, inspired fans of the Washington Nationals
Zach Johnson: Inspired fans (excuse me, PATRONS!) at Augusta National

Zach Johnson: Went 1 over par in signature victory at Augusta
George Mason: Went 1 overtime in signature victory over UConn

George Mason: Namesake was a Founding Father
Zach Johnson: Namesake was a founding member of The Fray

Zach Johnson: Moment of glory came after 11 uneventful appearances in majors
George Mason: Moment of glory came as an 11th-seeded mid-major

George Mason: Ended North Carolina’s reign as champion
Zach Johnson: Ended Phil Mickelson’s reign as champion

Zach Johnson: Has two PGA victories in the state of Georgia
George Mason: Had two CAA victories over Georgia State

George Mason: Eliminated the Missouri Valley Conference’s Wichita State Shockers
Zach Johnson: As a Drake alumnus, he’s a Missouri Valley member who pulled a shocker

Zach Johnson: After finishing his round, watched Tiger Woods come up short
George Mason: After finishing their season, watched the LSU Tigers come up short

George Mason: Played in the presence of Jim Nantz and Billy Packer
Zach Johnson: Played in the presence of Jim Nantz and Billy Payne

Zach Johnson: Faced numerous water hazards
George Mason: Eliminated by Gators, which are hazardous in the water

Zach Johnson: Survived Amen Corner
George Mason: Shouted “Amen!” after Denham Brown missed from the corner

George Mason: Refused to listen to skeptics on the outside
Zach Johnson: Won at a club that refuses to listen to ANYONE on the outside

Zach Johnson: Played under the radar on the Hooters Tour
George Mason: Players were under-the-radar hoopsters

Jesus & The NHL

This Sunday is Easter, when Christians worldwide celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. It’s also the final day of the regular season in the National Hockey League. Long before Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier, Jesus was considered The Great One AND The Messiah. The “turn the other cheek” policy might not be popular on the ice, but many other parallels to Jesus can be found in the NHL. Here are a few.


Jesus: Walked on water
NHL: Players skate on frozen water

Jesus: Originated in a manger
NHL: Original Six included the Rangers

Jesus: Forgave sinners
NHL: Forgives sinners – after time in the penalty box

Jesus: Worshippers drink the Lord’s blood from a cup
NHL: Features blood and worship of Lord Stanley’s Cup

Jesus: Spread love to all
NHL: Players shed gloves to brawl

Jesus: Saved souls from the devil
NHL: Martin Brodeur saves the Devils from goals

Jesus: Resurrected after dying on the cross
NHL: Pittsburgh was resurrected by Crosby

Jesus: Joined his father in immortality
NHL: Upon entering the Hall of Fame, Brett Hull will join his father in immortality

Jesus: Was called King of the Jews
NHL: Michael Cammalleri is a King and is Jewish

Jesus: Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John
NHL: Vancouver’s roster includes Matt, Marc, Luc, and Jan

Jesus: Received death sentence from Pontius Pilate
NHL: Islanders receive depth from Pensacola Ice Pilots

Jesus: Christians praise his miracles
NHL: Dave Christian was part of the Miracle On Ice

Jesus: Savior who was denied three times by Simon Peter
NHL: Sabres denied Philly’s Simon Gagne and Peter Forsberg last year

Jesus: Spent many years as a carpenter
NHL: For many years, had Bobby Carpenter

Jesus: Inspired numerous martyred saints
NHL: Tampa Bay is inspired by Martin St. Louis

Jesus: Died at Calvary
NHL: Atlanta Flames died and moved to Calgary

Jesus: Birth was celebrated by three wise men
NHL: Detroit enjoyed three celebrations with Stevie Y’s men

Jesus: Presided over the Last Supper
NHL: Until the next generation arrives, Ron was the last Sutter

Jesus: Protected by Mary and Joseph
NHL: Phoenix net is protected by Curtis Joseph

Jesus: Followers believe he exists, even though they don’t see him
NHL: Americans believe it exists, even though they don’t see it

How Florida Will Continue to Dominate Sports

Last night, the Florida Gators won their second consecutive NCAA basketball championship with an 84-75 victory over Ohio State. The triumph continued a remarkable run for the school, which also defeated the Buckeyes for the national title in football.

Clearly the University of Florida is the dominant force in college sports right now. You might expect the Gators to have a low profile until the football season kicks off. However, UF will continue to have a huge impact on the sports world for the next few months. Here’s a look ahead.


Tonight: Although the title game matches Tennessee and Rutgers, the 9-22 Gators somehow win the women’s basketball national championship.

Sunday: Taurean Green replaces Phil Mickelson as champion of the Masters. Afterwards, Lefty presents him with the Taurean Green Jacket.

April 30: Inspired by Corey Brewer’s Final Four MOP performance, Milwaukee completes a perfect month for Brewers with a 26-0 record.

May 5: Billy Donovan is the winning jockey at the Kentucky Derby. Sadly for the locals, he decides not to lead humans to victory in Kentucky.

May 5: UF wins the NCAA men’s volleyball championship in Columbus, despite not fielding a varsity team. After noticing someone in a Gators shirt near the Ohio State logo, an NCAA official instinctively hands him a championship trophy.

May 27: Chris Leak triumphs at the Indianapolis 500. Furious rival drivers protest the results, claiming that Tim Tebow drove the final ten laps.

June 10: Following in his father’s footsteps, Joakim Noah captures the French Open.

June 17: After consistently putting the ball in the hole from long distance, Lee Humphrey wins golf’s U.S. Open.

June 18: Nashville becomes the third consecutive Stanley Cup champion from the southeast, after changing its nickname from the Predators to the Gators.

June 19: Proving that repeat basketball titles in Florida are a trend, the Miami Heat goes back-to-back.

July 8: Urban Meyer upsets Roger Federer to win Wimbledon. Federer consistently has to hurry his serves due to pressure from Jarvis Moss.

July 10: After Alfonso Soriano in 2004 and Miguel Tejada in 2005, Al Horford becomes the third Dominican in four years to be named MVP of the Major League All-Star Game.

July 22: Tiger Woods wins the British Open. Well, the Gators can’t change everything.

July 29: Versatile receiver Percy Harvin captures the Tour de France. Stage 1 was won by Ted Ginn Jr., who was then knocked out of the race by celebrating teammates.

Three Months Old, But Still Relevant

I'll have something new tomorrow, but my January 9 article is very appropriate tonight: Ohio State To Stop Playing Sports Versus Florida

Deja Vu: Another Ohio State/Florida Title Game Breakdown

April 2 will be just like January 8, as Ohio State and Florida once again square off for a national championship. There are some differences this time. The Gators are favored, Michigan fans aren’t screaming that they should be involved, and the Buckeyes won’t be 51 days removed from their last game. Therefore, I can’t simply repost my December article, Ohio State vs. Florida: An Early Breakdown, and have that serve as my title game preview.

But go ahead and read that article before proceeding. It’s okay, I’ll wait here. Since I was woefully wrong on picking Ohio State that time, clearly I needed to do a better job on my analysis this time around. I started fresh and came up with new angles for Monday’s showdown. Here’s the breakdown.


Greens: Ohio State just eliminated Jeff Green, so the Buckeyes will be ready for Taurean Green. Or even Brian Austin Green. Advantage: Ohio State

Georgia Dome: The Gators are used to celebrating in this venue recently, having won the SEC championships in both football and basketball there. In response, the Buckeyes unsuccessfully lobbied to move Monday’s game to The Horseshoe. Advantage: Florida

1995 World Series: The Cleveland Indians were 0-3 against the Braves on the road. So it’s tough for Ohio teams to win championships in Atlanta. Advantage: Florida

The Masters: On the other hand, OSU’s Jack Nicklaus won six times in Augusta, so Buckeyes can triumph in Georgia in early April. If they do on Monday, expect Greg Oden to put on a very large green jacket. Advantage: Ohio State

#1 Seeds: Florida hopes to replace Duke as the last repeat champion. This is the fifth time two #1 seeds have met in the title game. The previous four resulted in three UNC championships and a UConn victory over Duke – consistent disaster for Blue Devil fans. Advantage: Florida

2000 NCAA Championship Game: Florida lost to Michigan State, a Big Ten school it had played in a bowl game that January. With that in mind, expect Mike Conley Jr. to limp onto the court like Mateen Cleaves. Advantage: Ohio State

Literary Figures: (Joakim) Noah survived, but Othello (Hunter) did not. Advantage: Florida

Heisman Trophy: Only once has an athletic program won the Heisman and the NCAA basketball title in the same school year. UCLA quarterback Gary Beban and the Bruins accomplished the feat in 1967-68. After Troy Smith’s victory, the Buckeyes hope to follow suit. But they don’t have Kareem. Advantage: Florida

Hoopeston-East Lynn High School: Thad Matta went there, and the teams were known as the Cornjerkers. Therefore, the Gators shouldn’t intimidate the OSU coach. If you can succeed when you’re named Thad and called a Cornjerker, no obstacle is too large. Advantage: Ohio State

Super Bowl XLI: The hometown of Oden and Conley triumphed, while Gator Rex Grossman was the goat. Advantage: Ohio State

1987-88 Oklahoma Sooners: Before this year, OU was the last school to play for the football and basketball national titles in the same school year. Like OSU, they lost the bowl game. They fell again in hoops, so the Buckeyes are in trouble - especially if Danny Manning is in the arena. Advantage: Florida

Office Cinema: As Office Space’s Milton, UF’s Stephen Root gets no respect at Initech. But as J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, OSU’s J.K. Simmons is completely in charge at The Daily Bugle. No one would dare take his red Swingline stapler. Advantage: Ohio State

Rick Pitino: Billy Donovan’s mentor also coached in consecutive national championship games. After winning in 1996, his Kentucky Wildcats lost in their bid to repeat. The consolation for Gator fans: he wasn’t in Lexington the next year. Advantage: Ohio State

Sweet 16: In that round, Florida was too much for Butler. Therefore, OSU is vulnerable with Jamar Butler. Advantage: Florida

BCS Title Matchups: The schools in the previous BCS championship game, USC and Texas, also met in this year’s tournament. The football loser came out on top in hoops. As Buckeye fans can relate, the Trojans were thrilled not to see Vince Young. Advantage: Ohio State

NHL Standings: Although both teams will miss the playoffs, Florida is better than the team from Columbus. For those who are unaware, the NHL is a hockey league. Advantage: Florida

Current Major Leaguers: Florida’s David Eckstein is the reigning World Series MVP, while Ohio State’s Nick Swisher has a name that can’t fool basketball fans. The words “Knick” and “Swish” don’t belong together. Advantage: Florida


This time around, it’s Florida 9, Ohio State 8. So expect a championship celebration in Gainesville. They definitely know the drill by now.

All-Final Four MLB Team

This week is a huge one for American sports fans. Ohio State, Georgetown, UCLA, and Florida are eagerly awaiting Saturday’s Final Four. One night later, the major league baseball season begins as the defending champion St. Louis Cardinals take on the New York Mets. Major leaguers share numerous similarities to the teams and activities to be featured at the Final Four. With that in mind, here is the All-Final Four Major League Baseball team.


Starting Pitcher: Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins. Just as UCLA shut down Kansas, he easily shuts down Kansas City.

Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski, Chicago White Sox. He’s equally as beloved as Billy Packer.

First Base: Prince Fielder, Milwaukee Brewers. Cecil’s son is a Brewer whose father was a pro athlete. Florida has Corey Brewer and numerous sons of pro athletes.

Second Base: Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies. Since he’s a gritty player from UCLA, Ben Howland would love him.

Third Base: Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees. Like Monday night’s winner, he peaks in April.

Shortstop: David Eckstein, St. Louis Cardinals. He’s a Florida Gator who’s a defending champion. Aren’t all Gators these days?

Left Fielder: Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants. UCLA is defensive-minded and follows Arron Afflalo. Bonds gets defensive while following Aaron.

Center Fielder: Kenny Lofton, Texas Rangers. Lofton played in the 1988 Final Four with Arizona. Ohio State enters this Final Four with 34 wins – equaling the number of Lofton’s major league teams.

Right Fielder: Magglio Ordonez, Detroit Tigers. In the ALCS, he hit a walk-off game-winner. In the Sweet16, Georgetown’s Jeff Green hit a walking game-winner.

Designated Hitter: Travis Hafner, Cleveland Indians. Like Greg Oden, he’s an intimidating big man in Ohio.

Relief Pitcher: Chad Cordero, Washington Nationals. In Georgetown fashion, he plays in D.C. and shuts down opposing offenses at the end of games.

Manager: Bobby Cox, Atlanta Braves. The Final Four is in Atlanta, where Cox is used to seeing postseason action. Unfortunately for him, he’s only had One Shining Moment.

General Manager: Billy Beane, Oakland A’s. Surely he loves Ohio State’s Ron Lewis, who hit a Moneyball against Xavier.

Owner: Frank McCourt, Los Angeles Dodgers. Now in the same city as UCLA, he’s a Georgetown alumnus. Like his alma mater before this week, the Dodgers haven’t been to the Final Four since the 80s.

Mascot: Billy the Marlin, Florida Marlins. He’s what Coach Donovan hopes to be on Monday: a Billy who’s been part of two Florida championships.

OT Means "Only Trouble" For UNC

Sunday in the East Regional final, North Carolina’s national championship hopes came to a bitter end in a 96-84 overtime defeat to Georgetown. The result continued a distressing trend for the Tar Heels when playing beyond regulation. In recent years, overtime has brought nothing but pain to Carolina.


The top-seeded Heels seemed poised for the Final Four on Sunday, leading the second-seeded Hoyas 75-65 after Marcus Ginyard’s free throws with 7:19 remaining. However, UNC went scoreless for the next 3:31 and managed only six points in total until a meaningless three-pointer with eight seconds remaining in overtime. Carolina’s offense must have snitched on Tony Soprano, because all of a sudden it disappeared from New Jersey. After Jonathan Wallace’s three-pointer evened things up for the Hoyas, the Tar Heels were only half-ready for OT. They did have a (Psycho) T, but their O was gone.


The season-ending defeat prevented Roy Williams from reaching his second Final Four as UNC’s head coach. To Williams, “05” brings smiles as his national championship year. However, “0-5” now represents his overtime record as the Tar Heels’ leader. A February setback to Virginia Tech was preceded by losses during the 2003-04 season to Wake Forest, Florida State, and Duke. Overtime has now replaced Gerald Henderson as Public Enemy #1 in the Smith Center. As a result, Roy plans to lobby the NCAA to eliminate overtime periods. The suggestion is not without precedent, as college football did not extend beyond regulation until 1996. Realizing that no one wants a tie in basketball, the emotional Williams proposed a tiebreaker for games ending in a deadlock after regulation. The winner would be the team whose coach sheds the first tears.


His predecessor, Matt Doherty, was 0-2 in overtime games during an ill-fated stint as Carolina’s head coach. Reportedly, Doherty’s bad experiences with overtime came because he verbally abused and alienated overtime. For UNC’s last OT victory, you have to go back to March 1, 2000, when the Heels edged Georgia Tech 74-72. That was way back when Bill Clinton was running the USA and Bill Guthridge was in charge in Chapel Hill. Due to the quirks of Senior Night, someone named Matt Laczkowski started that home finale for UNC. If Matt Laczkowski is reading this article, chances are he just remarked, “Really? I started a game for Carolina basketball? No way!”


The troubles have also spread to the football team. The gridiron Heels have dropped their last three overtime games, with the most recent victory in extra time coming against North Carolina State in 1998. Taking the positive view, it does allow the UNC football players to claim “Hey, we ARE like the basketball team!” Both Tar Heel programs have something in common with immigrant workers at Wal-Mart. They work overtime, but get no benefits for it.


The overtime futility is particularly frustrating when you consider the basketball program’s past glories in OT. On its way to the 1993 national championship, UNC was in the exact same position as it was this Sunday: a #1 seed taking on a 2 seed in overtime at the East Regional final in East Rutherford. That time, Donald Williams led Carolina to a 75-68 triumph over Cincinnati. Bob Huggins’s Bearcats were immediately returned to police custody. Most famously, the 1957 Tar Heels capped an undefeated season with a triple-overtime classic over Kansas in the national championship game. The Jayhawks’ Wilt Chamberlain was so worn out after the game, he only slept with 12 women that night.


Amid the build-up to Sunday’s UNC-Georgetown showdown, Fred Brown’s gaffe in the 1982 title game was constantly mentioned. The result was reversed this time, but the more appropriate contrast is drawn from Chris Webber’s mistake in 1993. Then, UNC was blessed by a TO. Now it’s cursed by OT.

16 Winners From the Sweet 16

College basketball’s Sweet 16 showdowns are in the books, giving way to a powerhouse Elite Eight weekend. All four #1 seeds are still alive, to go along with three 2’s and a 3. Besides the eight victorious teams on Thursday and Friday, there were numerous other winners from the Sweet 16. Here’s a look at 16 of them.


Crime Scene Investigators: The brackets, like a gruesome murder victim, have been outlined in chalk.

Chris Webber: With the North Carolina – Georgetown matchup set, Fred Brown will be this weekend’s endlessly replayed goat.

Sobriety: Thursday was a big night for AA: Antonio Anderson’s free throws won it for Memphis, and Arron Afflalo’s 17 points paced UCLA.

Environmentalists: Florida, Georgetown, and North Carolina feature Taurean, Jeff, and Danny Green, respectively. Corporate America, take note of March Madness: you can generate huge revenues AND be Green-friendly.

Georgia Football Team: Florida’s win over Butler showed that they’re not the only Bulldogs who can’t beat the Gators.

AARP: It was not a time for the Young, as USC’s Nick Young, Pittsburgh’s Sam Young, and Southern Illinois guard Tony Young lost.

Durex Condoms: In the end, the Trojans didn’t get the job done.

Hollywood Henderson: The Dallas Cowboys linebacker ridiculed Terry Bradshaw and the Steelers before Super Bowl XIII. Thursday he got to see Bradshaw (Tennessee’s Dane) AND Pittsburgh go down to defeat.

Eugene Lawrence: The junior guard from St. John’s has the home cities of two Elite Eight teams in his name.

Philadelphia Eagles Backfield: Winners included Donovan (Florida’s Billy) and Westbrook (UCLA’s Russell).

Aflac: Friday was a huge night for Ducks, as Oregon eliminated UNLV, and Anaheim clinched a berth in the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Memphis Grizzlies: Saturday will provide hope for next year: a Memphis game with Greg Oden on the court.

Anderson Hunt: Although the Runnin’ Rebels fell, the victory by Memphis was a tribute to the Most Outstanding Player of the 1990 Final Four. Antonio Anderson and Jeremy Hunt played major roles.

Tennessee Women’s Team: Bruce Pearl is now free to paint his chest and scream for the Lady Vols.

Detroit Sports: Motown natives Tajuan Porter and Malik Hairston are vital for Oregon, as is Detroit’s Chris Douglas-Roberts for Memphis. Plus, the Tigers won, as did Lions receiver Roy Williams, who looks different these days.

Wicked Stepmothers: Cinderella is nowhere to be found.

This Day in History

While I hope to entertain you with these columns, I also like to impart some knowledge in the process. So today, March 22, 2007, seems like a good time for a history lesson. According to Wikipedia, all of these events took place on March 22. For some reason, the popular online encyclopedia ignores the sports angle to each of these events. Therefore, for each entry I’ve added an extra sentence to fill in the gaps.


1630: Massachusetts Bay Colony outlaws the possession of cards, dice, and gaming tables. The last straw: a casino fight instigated by Joey Porter.

1765: British Parliament passes the Stamp Act, levying a tax on the American colonies. Proceeds are to finance a domed stadium in Williamsburg.

1832: German literary giant Johann Wolfgang von Goethe dies. His last words are “Nowitzki for MVP.”

1895: Auguste and Louis Lumiere hold the first private screening of motion pictures. The featured attraction is Rocky IV.

1923: Famous mime Marcel Marceau is born in France. He goes on to host the world’s least successful sports talk radio show.

1933: FDR signs into law a bill legalizing the sale of beer and wine. Finally, Babe Ruth gets to partake.

1941: The Grand Coulee Dam begins to generate electricity in Washington. In 1989, Ken Griffey, Jr. does likewise.

1945: The Arab League is founded in Cairo. It immediately becomes the first league to adopt the designated hitter.

1960: Arthur Leonard Schawlow & Charles Townes receive the first patent for a laser. They explain, “You know how they say that Johnny Unitas has a laser arm? Well, we made this device that’s like his arm.”

1978: Karl Wallenda of the Flying Wallendas dies after falling off a tight-rope in San Juan. It’s the worst fall of the year that doesn’t involve the Red Sox.

1993: The Intel Corporation ships the first Pentium chips. Sadly, by making computers even easier to use, it helps lead to the BCS.

1995: Cosmonaut Valeri Polyakov returns after setting a record of 438 days in space. His last words before departing earth were “Don’t play the World Series while I’m gone!”

1997: The comet Hale-Bopp has its nearest approach to earth. At this point, it’s far closer to earth than Dennis Rodman.

A Spielberg Guide To The Sweet 16

Like the films of Steven Spielberg, the NCAA tournament generates millions of dollars while bringing excitement to fans. This year, March Madness has mostly been The Lost World for underdogs. The teams that did survive the first two rounds all relate to a movie by the great director. Here is a Spielberg guide to the Sweet 16.


EAST REGION:

North Carolina: Hook. A shot sometimes used by Tyler Hansbrough. When he battles down low, it’s usually a War of the Worlds.

USC: The Color Purple. Like the purple-clad Lakers, the Trojans want to be a hot ticket in downtown L.A. Unlike the Lakers, USC has won consistently this month.

Vanderbilt: Always. When people talk about the SEC, that’s how often they overlook the Commodores.

Georgetown: AI. Allen Iverson ended his Georgetown career with an Elite Eight loss in Atlanta. These Hoyas want to finish the season there, too.

SOUTH REGION:

Ohio State: Schindler’s List. Ron Lewis was the Buckeyes’ Oskar Schindler against Xavier. With little hope of survival, he gave them new life.

Tennessee: E.T. The lovable alien was short and had a glowing finger. Chris Lofton is short and typically has a hot hand. He probably likes Reese’s Pieces, too.

Texas A&M: The Sugarland Express. In Spielberg’s first feature, a couple failed to outrun the law in Texas. Aggie opponents fail to outrun Acie Law in Texas.

Memphis: Close Encounters of the Third Kind. During their 24-game winning streak, the Conference USA dominators have only had three close encounters.

MIDWEST REGION:

Florida: Jurassic Park. Like the film’s dinosaurs, Joakim Noah and Al Horford use their size to wreak havoc.

Butler: Raiders of the Lost Ark. Twice they lost to the Wright State Raiders, who were better behind the arc. The Bulldogs are from Indiana, but don’t have a Jones.

Oregon: Catch Me If You Can. It’s what 5’6” dynamo Tajuan Porter says to defenders while leaving them in the dust.

UNLV: Jaws. The Runnin’ Rebels’ first Sweet 16 appearance since 1991 will inspire countless Shark references.

WEST REGION:

Kansas: The Terminal. For Bill Self, the first round was like Viktor Navorski’s JFK Airport experience. He got stuck there way too long before finally escaping this year.

Southern Illinois: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Against Holy Cross on Friday, the Salukis ended the last hope of the Crusaders.

Pittsburgh: 1941. That’s the last year in which the Panthers made it to the Final Four. Coincidentally, it was the first Final Four announced by Billy Packer.

UCLA: Saving Private Ryan. The movie’s opening battle scenes were like the first half of the Bruins’ victory over Indiana: a brutal 20 minutes that made viewers squeamish.

NCAA Second Round To Lack Color

In 1947, Jackie Robinson broke major league baseball’s color barrier with the Brooklyn Dodgers. Sixty years later, the NCAA tournament has proven that color can still be an obstacle in the sports world. Every tournament team with a colorful nickname was eliminated in the first round.


Representing the color red, the Texas Tech Red Raiders and Miami of Ohio RedHawks were bounced by Boston College and Oregon, respectively. To their credit, both losing teams were competitive against higher seeds. However, they were unlikely to triumph, since red is the color of bricks. On the bright side, as a Red team from Ohio that covered the point spread, Miami made Pete Rose happy.


The Creighton Bluejays came tantalizingly close to victory before falling in overtime to Nevada. Unfortunately for Creighton, it’s hard for Bluejays to win in the postseason when Mitch Williams isn’t on the opposing roster. The other Blue victims were both Blue Devils. Central Connecticut State, as expected, was blown out by Ohio State. However, Duke suffered a rare first round defeat at the hands of Virginia Commonwealth. State Farm is making sure that Mike Krzyzewski will still be seen throughout the tournament. But the company may have to rethink its ridicule of Coach J, who has won exactly the same number of games this March as Coach K.


Due to the existence of the play-in game, at least the Niagara Purple Eagles got one victory this week. Reality set in on Friday, as Kansas quickly eliminated any thoughts of another first round upset. Two sets of Golden Eagles were also sent packing, as Marquette and Oral Roberts fell to Michigan State and Washington State, respectively. They surely would have won if they had dropped the colors from their names, as all the just-plain Eagles advanced to the second round. That group includes the Boston College Eagles, Winthrop Eagles, and CBS broadcaster Ian Eagle.


Other colorful victims included the North Texas Mean Green (against Memphis) and the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, who dropped a tough one to UNLV. The Stanford Cardinal rounded out the list. Adding an S to its nickname, like the victorious Louisville Cardinals, would have changed Stanford from a color to a group of birds. The Cardinals also possessed two other letters lacked by the Cardinal: O and D.


While the troubles were universal for teams with colorful names, the jinx did not apply to individual players. Seemingly every team left in the field has someone named Green, led by Georgetown’s Jeff Green and Florida’s Taurean Green. Other players who figured prominently in their team’s first round victories included Pittsburgh’s Aaron Gray, Indiana’s D.J. White, UNLV’s Wendell White, and Xavier’s Drew Lavender. Noting the success of those players, do not be surprised if USC guard Gabe Pruitt changes his name to Gabe Blue before Sunday’s matchup with Texas. In that case, a notable USC alumnus can once again scream “You’re my boy, Blue!”


After Selection Sunday, the omission of Syracuse from the field was a major story. However, Jim Boeheim shouldn’t have bothered complaining about the snub. His Orange would be gone by now anyway.

St. Patrick's Day & Denver Sports

This Saturday, while sports fans are riveted by the second round of March Madness, they also get to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. In the sports world, the occasion evokes images of the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and the Boston Celtics. However, the teams in Denver seem to have a particularly strong connection to March 17. Here is a comparison of St. Patrick’s Day and Denver sports.


St. Patrick’s Day: A time for “the wearin’ o’ the green”
Denver Sports: John Elway triumphed after wearing out Green Bay

St. Patrick’s Day: Parades are held in honor of St. Patrick
Denver Sports: Victory parades were held in honor of Patrick Roy

St. Patrick’s Day: Partiers love to keep doing shots
Denver Sports: Carmelo Anthony loves to keep taking shots

St. Patrick’s Day: Symbolized by the shamrock
Denver Sports: The baseball team has often been the sham Rockies

St. Patrick’s Day: According to legend, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland
Denver Sports: Jay Cutler drove The Snake into retirement

St. Patrick’s Day: A holiday that inspires celebrations
Denver Sports: Matt Holliday’s home runs inspire celebrations

St. Patrick’s Day: An appreciation of all things Irish
Denver Sports: The Nuggets appreciated Alex English

St. Patrick’s Day: All day, partiers keep beer on ice
Denver Sports: For 18 seasons, the Avalanche has kept Joe Sakic on the ice

St. Patrick’s Day: Leprechauns treasure their pot of gold
Denver Sports: The Broncos treasure linebacker Ian Gold

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors large-scale beer consumption
Denver Sports: Coors Field honors large-scale beer consumption

St. Patrick’s Day: Pub patrons rejoice while raising their pint glasses
Denver Sports: The Avalanche rejoiced while raising the Stanley Cup

St. Patrick’s Day: A time for festive music
Denver Sports: The Nuggets are looking up at the Jazz

St. Patrick’s Day: Synonymous with the number 17
Denver Sports: Todd Helton is synonymous with the number 17

St. Patrick’s Day: Honors Ireland’s patron Saint
Denver Sports: New Bronco Montrae Holland is a former Saint

St. Patrick’s Day: Guinness on draft is the #1 choice
Denver Sports: In the ‘96 draft, Allen Iverson was the #1 choice