Barry Bonds & The Simpsons

After years of anticipation, The Simpsons Movie was released and claimed the weekend’s box-office championship. Another long wait will soon end when Barry Bonds slams his record-breaking 756th home run. The most obvious link between the two events is the word “Homer.” While Barry and Giants fans will shout “Woo Hoo!” as the record falls, many others will scream, “D’oh!” Besides Homer, here’s how some other Simpsons characters relate to Bonds and those associated with him.


Bart: People always point the finger at him for doing something wrong.

Lisa: She’s better than her peers and isolated in the classroom. Barry’s better than his peers and isolated in the locker room.

Maggie: She’s known for not talking.

Marge: By batting .167 against Cincinnati in his first post-season series, Bonds delighted Marge Schott.

Grandpa: Abe can’t move around like he did in the old days.

Patty & Selma: The duo causes nothing but headaches for Homer, just like Lance Williams and Mark Fainaru-Wada for Bonds.

Mister Burns: He’s rich and the most hated man around.

Smithers: Like trainer Greg Anderson, he’ll do anything for the man he worships.

Ned Flanders: Barry could solve his endorsement shortage by appearing in ads for The Leftorium.

Moe: Like Victor Conte, he serves up powerful concoctions.

Barney: He’s a fat drunkard, just like the guy Bonds passed with his 715th dinger.

Lenny & Carl: In 1993, Barry beat out Lenny Dykstra for MVP – 26 years after Carl Yastrzemski won the award.

Chief Wiggum: Like Bud Selig, he’s a chief who’s inept at stopping lawbreakers.

Ralph Wiggum: He makes some absolutely silly statements.

Apu: The Kwik-E-Mart may not have the cream and the clear, but it does have ice cream and Clearasil.

Principal Skinner: He tries to take the fun out of everything, like opposing managers who intentionally walk Bonds.

Mrs. Krabappel: She was once hopeful, before her dreams began to slide. The Pirates were hopeful in ’92, before Bream began to slide.

Milhouse: He’s constantly tormented, like pitchers facing Barry.

Nelson: Springfield Elementary’s resident bully has a high slugging percentage.

Martin: He shares a name with the best player on Barry’s hated arch-rival Dodgers.

Groundskeeper Willie: Close, but with Bonds it’s Godfather Willie.

Otto Mann: He drives the bus and uses drugs, while Barry drives the ball and, ahem, allegedly uses drugs.

Krusty the Clown: Bonds is crusty with the media, but seldom a clown.

Sideshow Bob: There’s often a sideshow around Barry, who’s the son of Bob.

Mayor Quimby: Surely the philandering leader of Springfield has had mistresses pose for Playboy.

Kent Brockman: The newscaster would have a tough relationship with Bonds, since he’s media AND a guy named Kent.

Reverend Lovejoy: He preaches “Thou shalt not steal,” although Barry has stolen 514 bases.

Dr. Hibbert: He has lots of experience with needles.

Lionel Hutz: He’s been gone since Phil Hartman’s death, but Bonds could have used him during grand jury testimony.

Comic Book Guy: He’s arrogant and voiced by Hank Azaria. Barry is arrogant and linked to another Hank A.

Ken Griffey, Jr.: In his Simpsons appearance, he was a major league superstar who wound up with a giant head.

The Pro Commissioners' Week in Limericks

As a fan it's the ultimate wish
To be a pro sport's big fish
But when scandal and shame
Overshadow the game
It's a tough week to be a commish

One who knows this is Roger Goodell
Dogged by cruelty in the NFL
He's dying to see
The Falcons' QB
Get mauled by a pit bull in hell

Of David Stern's fears in b-ball
A game-fixing ref's worst of all
While the mob turned vicious
The feds got suspicious
When Tim made a travelling call

Bud Selig is also quite sick
At the park that replaced Candlestick
In the shadow of 'roids
He cannot avoid
Watching Barry hit 756

But amid all the media fuss
Gary Bettman's no gloomy Gus
"This week's not so rocky"
Crowed the leader of hockey
"'Cause nobody cares about us!"

British Open & Other Sports Connections

Sunday at Carnoustie, Padraig Harrington outlasted Sergio Garcia and won the British Open after a four-hole playoff. As a European collecting his first major, Harrington represented what Garcia was painfully close to being. Sergio now remains saddled with the “can’t win the big one” label, along with Alex Rodriguez and numerous other athletes. Here are some other ways in which the British Open corresponded to the rest of the sports world.


British Open: Harrington and Garcia battled for the top spot.
Detroit Lions: In 2005, Joey Harrington and Jeff Garcia battled for the top spot.

British Open: Golfers hit balls into the 18th hole water, known as Barry Burn.
San Francisco Giants: Barry hits balls into the water, as Bud Selig burns.

British Open: Unfortunately for Sergio, he couldn’t win the title before a playoff.
Dallas Mavericks: Unfortunately for Dirk, you can’t win a title before the playoffs.

British Open: Harrington’s final putt was a “Claret Jug shot.”
Ohio State Buckeyes: Embarrassment resulted from Clarett mug shots.

British Open: Sergio and Padraig outplayed their American competitors.
Ryder Cup: Sergio and Padraig outplay their American competitors.

British Open: ‘99 flashbacks showed a Frenchman losing because he didn’t use his head.
World Cup: A Frenchman lost because he DID use his head.

British Open: Its high-profile Lefty didn’t play on Sunday.
Atlanta Falcons: Their high-profile lefty won’t play on Sundays.

British Open: Sergio missed a title-winning par putt on 18.
Los Angeles Dodgers: Their third baseman sounds like “No More Garcia Pars.”

British Open: A champion was crowned by the North Sea.
Anaheim Ducks: A champion was crowned in the OC.

British Open: It brought a victory to the Irish that was long overdue.
Navy Midshipmen: A victory over the Irish is long overdue.

British Open: Richard Green had the best round of the tournament.
Florida Gators: Taurean Green had the best team in the tournament.

British Open: Andres Romero looked great after 16 holes before self-destructing.
San Diego Chargers: They looked great after 16 games before self-destructing.

British Open: Competitors struggled with their drivers in Scotland.
Indy 500: Competitors struggled against a driver from Scotland.

British Open: Harrington was king after 76 holes.
Philly Hoops: Billy King can’t fix the 76ers’ holes.

British Open: Two-time defending champ Tiger was a non-factor.
American League: Longtime non-factor Tigers are the defending champs.

Vick Launches Pro-Dog Campaign

On Tuesday, Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted by a federal grand jury on charges of sponsoring a vicious dogfighting operation. Three other defendants were named in the indictment, which alleges that dogs were trained and fought to the death at a property owned by Vick in Surry County, Virginia. Vick may be elusive inside the Georgia Dome, but shaking free of prosecutors and a dog-loving public is another matter. With those concerns in mind, the Falcons star has taken immediate action to enhance his image by launching an aggressive pro-dog public relations campaign.


The first step in his pro-dog efforts will surely be popular in Atlanta, as he expressed his love for the Georgia Bulldogs. Vick stated that he has no ill will toward UGA for beating his Virginia Tech Hokies in last year’s Chik-Fil-A Bowl. He added that he is excited to be a mentor to third-string Atlanta quarterback D.J. Shockley, a former Bulldog. Vick also expressed his relief that SEC member Mississippi State is not on Georgia’s schedule this fall, since he can’t stand to see fellow Bulldogs hurting each other. Vick even suggested a humane alteration to Sanford Stadium’s signature cheer of “Go Dawgs! Sic ‘Em! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!” Upon kickoff in Athens, he urges UGA fans to yell, “Go Dawgs! Treat your adversary with love and respect! Because I believe all Dawgs should be kind to their fellow creatures!”


The quarterback also enlisted his pro-dog policy to try to upgrade his receiving corps. Many have noted that Vick has been figuratively stuck with a bunch of dogs at wide receiver. In an attempt to turn around the situation, Vick lobbied for owner Arthur Blank to literally sign some canines to play wideout. At the top of his wish list were Snoopy, the most athletic member of Peanuts, as well as Buddy, the multi-sport star of the Air Bud movies. Vick conspicuously did not mention University of Tennessee mascot Smokey. Reportedly, the Peerless Price experience soured him on Volunteer receivers.


Vick emphasized that greater interaction with dogs would help his team toward its ultimate goal of winning a Super Bowl championship. For inspiration, he referenced an Atlanta team that did reach the pinnacle. The 1995 Atlanta Braves won the World Series thanks to Cy Young Award winner Greg “Mad Dog” Maddux, as well as Fred “Crime Dog” McGriff. That entire 1995 season showed what dogs could accomplish on the field. Orel “Bulldog” Hershiser pitched for the American League champion Cleveland Indians, and Mo “Hit Dog” Vaughn was the AL MVP. Vick acknowledged that Glenn “Big Dog” Robinson could not win a championship in Atlanta, but as he remarked, “Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha couldn’t lead the Hawks to a title!”


The Falcon standout even plans to join dogs in sports other than football. Drawing inspiration from Chad Johnson’s win against a horse, Vick will put his speed on the line in a friendly race against a champion greyhound. Later, he’ll join forces with a team of huskies to compete in the Iditarod. Vick was not concerned about his lack of experience in the event. Indeed, he has proven that he can win as an underdog (pun intended) in a cold weather environment, having won a playoff game at Lambeau Field.


Vick also used his platform to encourage ESPN to pay more attention to dogs in sports. He was enthusiastic about the Worldwide Leader’s coverage of the Westminster Dog Show. In the next edition, Vick plans to enter his infectious Chihuahua named Ron, whom he purchased in Mexico. Although Ron does not have the statistics of a prototypical Westminster competitor, Vick feels that the dog’s freakish athleticism supersedes traditional stats and will cause serious matchup problems for his competitors. Vick did take ESPN to task for excluding canines from the World Series of Poker. As he remarked, “Come on, we all know dogs can play poker. Those paintings don’t lie!”


The charges against Vick are quite serious, and it remains to be seen what effect his pro-dog campaign will have. However, it cannot be argued that athletes and dogs are better off when they work together. That approach worked wonders for Scooby-Doo and the Harlem Globetrotters.

The Phillies & 10,000

Sunday night in Philadelphia, the Phillies gave up six home runs in a 10-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals. While the Phightins remained above .500 for the season, they reached a dubious milestone as the first sports team with 10,000 defeats. Over time, the number 10,000 has been significant in numerous other ways. Here are a few of those, along with their relevance to the Phils.


In 1964, Billy Mills became the only American to win the Olympic gold medal in the 10,000 meter run. If he had been wearing a Phillies cap, he would have lost a 6 ½ meter lead with 12 to go.

10,000 Maniacs hit the charts in 1988 with “What’s the Matter Here?” and in 1989 with “Trouble Me.” Appropriately, the Phils finished those years in last place.

10,000 square meters represent one hectare. In their history, the Phillies have been represented by one Hector (Mercado).

“Land of 10,000 Lakes” is a nickname for Minnesota. Unfortunately for Phillies fans, Minnesota was the only team with a playoff series win over Joe Carter.

The Army of the Ten Thousand was a group of Ancient Greek mercenaries put together by Persian general Cyrus the Younger. As a Phillie, Steve Carlton collected four awards named for Cy the Young.

Salmon P. Chase is on the $10,000 bill. That’s fine with the Phillies – they love guys named Chase.

There are approximately 10,000 species of birds. In Citizens Bank Park, there are approximately 44,000 species of boo birds.

There is no zip code 10000, but 10001 is in Manhattan. So in more ways than one, the next loss will have the Phils thinking about New York.

The most recent ice age ended about 10,000 years ago. The Phillies’ ice age ended 27 years ago, when Tug McGraw struck out Willie Wilson.

Alaska’s Valley of Ten Thousand Smokes, after a 1912 volcanic eruption, was filled with burning ash. All-time, the most beloved Phil was Ashburn.

10,000 equals 100 times 100. 2 Phillie seasons resulted in “100 times winning.” 14 years saw “100 times losing.”

Dick Clark hosted The $10,000 Pyramid. He lived in Philadelphia for many years, and like Phillies fans, he’s seen lots of balls dropped.

The Egyptian goddess Isis was called “Isis of Ten Thousand Names.” Phillies fans have a lot more names than that for J.D. Drew.

10,000 is the square root of 100 million, which is about what Mike Schmidt would be making per year these days.

The phrase “live for ten thousand years” was used to bless emperors in East Asia. Hopefully, the Curse of Billy Penn won’t last that long.

A Look Back To 1996

Tuesday night at AT&T Park, the American League edged the National League 5-4 in the Major League Baseball All-Star Game. The AL now has 10 wins and an infamous tie in the last 11 editions of the Midsummer Classic. The last NL victory was a 6-0 affair in 1996, a game celebrated by the slogan "Just 7 more years 'til it counts!" The venue from that matchup (Philadelphia's Veterans Stadium) was imploded years ago, and many other things have changed in the ensuing 11 years. Here's a look back at July 1996.


The Cubs were a mere 88 years since their last World Series title.

Notre Dame had a 13-game unbeaten streak versus USC.

Tiger Woods was two months from turning professional.

The Cleveland Browns did not exist - and I don't just mean their offense.

Bill Clinton was not having sexual relations with that woman.

New Lakers Shaq and Kobe couldn't wait to play together.

Mike Tyson was just really nuts, instead of really, really, really nuts.

Ken Caminiti was in the midst of an MVP season.

Dean Smith and Mack Brown were coaching at UNC.

Fortune Magazine's recent choice for "America's Most Innovative Company" was Enron.

John Elway couldn't win the big one.

"Junior" meant Griffey, not Dale.

National championships were won by schools other than Florida.

We were still sheltered from the greatest threat to American security: the Y2K Bug.

No one liked Billy Packer or Tim McCarver, but they kept announcing anyway. Some things don't change.

Bill Belichick just wasn't head coach material.

The current governor of California had just shot Jingle All the Way.

Lance Armstrong was a cyclist who hadn't yet been diagnosed with cancer. In other words, who the hell was Lance Armstrong?

Rick Pitino was a god in Lexington.

11-year-old LeBron James dreamed that 11 years later, he would be "Now."

Venus & Other Celestial Objects

Earlier today at the All England Club, Venus Williams captured her fourth Wimbledon singles championship, dominating Marion Bartoli 6-4, 6-1 in the final. Only Martina Navratilova, Steffi Graf, and Billie Jean King have won more. While she may be the lesser-known Williams sister, Venus has cemented her status as the top athlete with a planetary name. Perhaps she should branch out and bond with other celestial objects in the sports world. Here’s a brief look at how she can do so. And no, it's not just an excuse for a bunch of Uranus jokes.


Williams would be a natural fit for the WNBA, and not just because she’s one of America’s top female athletes. The league is completely overflowing with celestial objects. Venus could join the Phoenix Mercury, Connecticut Sun, Houston Comets, or San Antonio Silver Stars. With names like that and the Chicago Sky, the WNBA seems to want its fans to be fixated on the heavens. It’s a curious marketing strategy, since so few of its players can get high enough to dunk.


For astronomical inspiration from the men’s side, Venus can always watch the Phoenix Suns. Or she can view films of classic battles between Wilt Chamberlain (The Big Dipper) and Bill Russell, who, like Saturn, was known for having lots of rings. Darryl Dawkins can tell her all about the planet Lovetron, as he gets heckled by Knicks fan Mars Blackman. If Venus prefers college hoops, she can check out the 1985 NCAA championship, won by a Super Nova.


Venus can also look to the NFL for fellow celestial objects. To win tournaments, she needs to go undefeated, like Mercury Morris with the 1972 Dolphins. By winning consecutive Wimbledon championships in 2000 and 2001, Venus emulated Bart Starr in the first two Super Bowls. She can see Starr’s bust at the Pro Football Hall of Fame, which also has enshrined Warren Moon. Rather than an Oiler, Moon would now be known as a Titan (Saturn’s largest moon). On October 28, Venus can watch the Titans against the Raiders – in Tennessee, not the Black Hole.


Baseball may not have as much relevance for Venus, unless you consider the sun’s future. In 4-5 billion years, the sun will enter a red giant phase. Williams can observe a Red Giant phase this Tuesday, if Ken Griffey, Jr. precedes Barry Bonds in the National League lineup. The sun will eventually fade into a white dwarf. As Venus and baseball historians know, the St. Louis Browns once used white dwarf Eddie Gaedel as a pinch-hitter.


Venus can also find astronomical objects in other team sports. The NHL, for example, has the Dallas Stars. However, her LA background and success in Britain will make her particularly interested in the MLS. She’ll be sure to catch up with David Beckham and the Los Angeles Galaxy.


In Saturday’s music news, the Live Earth concerts entertained crowds around the world. Wembley Stadium was one venue where rockers pledged their support for Earth. But elsewhere in London, it was all about Venus.

The Red, White & Blue of Sports

Today is the 4th of July, also known as the Poulan Weedeater Independence Day. Whether it’s fireworks, picnics, or Joey Chestnut gorging himself with 66 hot dogs, Americans are finding fun ways to celebrate the USA’s 231st birthday. The sports realm has a particular fondness for the red, white, and blue, even if the Cincinnati Reds, Chicago White Sox, and St. Louis Blues aren’t faring so well these days.

With the spirit of the day in mind, here’s a look at some Red, White, and Blue sports figures. Certainly, there are far more Reds and Whites to choose from in comparison to Blues. However, I’m giving equal representation to each color. Before proceeding, please rise, remove your hat and imagine that someone near your computer is playing the Star-Spangled Banner. If you’d also like to take a moment and wonder why you never hear the word “spangled” outside of a flag context, feel free.

RED:

Red Auerbach: The Celtics mastermind ruled the NBA for decades, but things got tougher in the 90s. Worst of all, after Cigar won the 1995 Breeders Cup Classic, Auerbach tried to light the horse on fire.

Red Grange: The Illinois and Bears star was known as The Galloping Ghost, because he enjoyed making pottery with Demi Moore.

Red Holzman: He coached the Knicks to the 1970 and 1973 NBA titles and passed away in 1998. Holzman briefly came back to life at the funeral, inspired by the arrival of a limping Willis Reed.

Red Klotz: As the leader of the New York Nationals (formerly the Washington Generals), Klotz is in charge of a team that’s destined to lose every time. The same is true of Matt Millen.

Michael Redd: The Bucks’ sharpshooter will represent Team USA later this summer in the FIBA Americas Championship. He’s preparing for the experience by playing bad defense against guys from Argentina.

Red Schoendienst: Teammate Stan Musial claimed that the Cardinal second baseman had “the greatest pair of hands I’ve ever seen.” Clearly he never saw George Costanza before the tragic iron mishap.

WHITE:

Byron White: Known as “Whizzer,” he was a Supreme Court justice and is a member of the College Football Hall of Fame. That dual feat was later duplicated by Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Charles White: As far as USC running backs go, he gets the edge over LenDale White. Charles won his own Heisman, while LenDale watched everyone around him get one.

Frank White: Frank gets the nod over Devon White because his 1980 Royals were kind enough to lose the World Series to my Phillies, unlike Devon’s greedy ‘93 Blue Jays.

Randy White: He was the Co-MVP of the Cowboys’ Super Bowl XII triumph. Don’t worry Randy - you don’t have to share this entry with Harvey Martin.

Reggie White: As we celebrate our freedom, it’s appropriate to mention one of history’s greatest Eagles. Another Philly icon, Ben Franklin, wanted the turkey to be the national symbol. So say it with me, in honor of Ben: “T-U-R-K-E-Y-S! TURKEYS!!!”

Shaun White: He’ll have particular relevance at 4th of July BBQs today, as food fights everywhere will begin with a Flying Tomato.

BLUE:

Forest Blue: You’ve probably never heard of him, but he made four straight Pro Bowls in the early 1970s as an offensive lineman for San Francisco. Most importantly, his name sounds like a Crayola color.

Vida Blue: He won the American League Cy Young Award in 1971 – a year after Jim Perry and a year before Gaylord Perry. Blue narrowly edged Matthew and Luke Perry.

Blue Edwards: He had the first triple-double in Vancouver Grizzlies history. No, I don’t care, either.

Blue Moon Odom: An Oakland teammate of Vida Blue’s, Odom had a 1.07 ERA in 42 postseason innings. As is common with Blue Moon pitchers, bartenders served him with a slice of orange.

Blue, Don Cherry’s bull terrier: Sure, the hockey commentator and his dog are much more famous in Canada. But Sunday was Canada Day, so why not share some holiday love with our neighbors?

Blue from Old School: He sacrificed his life in the midst of athletic competition. So for Frank the Tank and sports fans everywhere, he’s our boy.

Other Reasons For Hargrove's Resignation

Today, the Seattle Mariners received some stunning news when manager Mike Hargrove announced his resignation. The club was on a seven-game winning streak, extended to eight with a 2-1 victory over Toronto in Hargrove’s last game at the helm. Bench coach John McLaren will now assume the reins at Safeco Field.

In explaining his unusual decision to leave a hot team at mid-season, the outgoing skipper said that he was finding it increasingly difficult to give the effort and commitment demanded by the position. Many baseball observers will surely look for something deeper. With that in mind, here are some other possible reasons for Hargrove’s resignation.


Seinfeld: Following the advice of Jerry, George Costanza triumphantly walked out of a meeting after cracking up his co-workers. With the winning streak still going, Hargrove similarly decided to leave on a high note.

Motivation: Managers sometimes decide to get ejected to fire up their players. If missing the rest of the game can have that effect, imagine what missing the rest of the season can do!

Supersonics: With Ray Allen being sent out of town, Hargrove figured that all the local teams were undergoing a youth movement. So the 57-year-old skipper gave way to 55-year-old McLaren.

Lack of Consistency: Including his four years in Baltimore, Hargrove had finished his last six seasons as manager in fourth place. With the Mariners in second, he had little hope of keeping his streak intact.

The Human Rain Delay: That was Hargrove’s nickname as a batter, due to his long, drawn-out routine between pitches. Given that deliberate style, it’s possible that his resignation actually started last month.

All-Star Selections: As a player, Hargrove made just one All-Star Game, going 0-1 for the American League in a 1975 loss. He is also the last AL skipper to lose the Midsummer Classic, dropping the 1996 contest. Despite winning in 1998, he still harbors ill will toward the game and decided to overshadow the announcement of this year’s rosters.

Adrian Beltre: He scored the winning run for Seattle today in the bottom of the ninth inning. Hargrove must be a Rocky fan, as he chose to end his career by hugging Adrian in celebration.

4th of July: Forgetting that his team would be in Kansas City, Hargrove invited lots of buddies over to his place to watch the fireworks. Canceling the party at this point would have been really inconvenient.

John Mc: In his first managerial job with Cleveland, Hargrove succeeded John McNamara. He came full circle as he ended his managerial career by turning things over to John McLaren. Preferred choices John McCain and John McEnroe were unavailable.

Apple: Now Hargrove finally has the time to go out and get an iPhone.

A Summer Movie Guide To The NBA Lottery Picks

It’s summertime - the season for blockbusters to rule the box office. Putting up big numbers is just as crucial in the NBA, which held its draft Thursday night in New York. Among the 14 lottery selections, some will become A-list stars, while others will flop miserably. Here’s how they relate to this summer’s crop of movies.


1. Portland Trail Blazers, Greg Oden: Transformers. Highlighted by Oden, Portland’s roster has been completely transformed over the past two drafts.

2. Seattle Sonics, Kevin Durant: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Durant could be a Rookie of the Year forward, like Chuck Person and Larry Johnson.

3. Atlanta Hawks, Al Horford: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. As a Dominican, Horford is of the Caribbean. But he’s more shot blocker than swashbuckler.

4. Memphis Grizzlies, Mike Conley, Jr.: Mr. Brooks. Conley goes to the worst team in the league, so like Mr. Garth Brooks he’ll have friends in low places.

5. Seattle Sonics (from Boston), Jeff Green: 1408. Actually, new Sonics Durant and Green combined for 1431 points last year.

6. Milwaukee Bucks, Yi Jianlian: Shrek the Third. Like Shrek, Yi is a big man seen in footage from Far Far Away.

7. Minnesota Timberwolves, Corey Brewer: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. The Most Outstanding Player was fantastic at the Final Four.

8. Golden State Warriors (from Charlotte), Brandan Wright: Spider-Man 3. As often happens to Peter Parker, Wright was unable to stay together with MJ.

9. Chicago Bulls, Joakim Noah: Evan Almighty. An ark-building movie just has to be linked to Noah.

10. Sacramento Kings, Spencer Hawes: Live Free or Die Hard. Bruce Willis was partners in Planet Hollywood with a guy who works in Sacramento these days. Hopefully Hawes won’t be such a flop.

11. Atlanta Hawks, Acie Law: A Mighty Heart. Ask anyone who was victimized by his clutch shots.

12. Philadelphia 76ers, Thaddeus Young: Knocked Up. Most forecasts had him going later, but he got knocked up the draft board.

13. New Orleans Hornets, Julian Wright: Ocean’s 13. One number 13 goes with another. Also, both Wright and the Ocean series have been wildly inconsistent.

14. Los Angeles Clippers, Al Thornton: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. The Seminole is headed to the Pacific Division, where Phoenix maintains order.


These players especially want to identify with The Simpsons Movie. Someday, they hope to end up in Springfield.

The Sports Week in Oregon: A State of Euphoria

Next Wednesday is the Fourth of July, so celebrations are on the way in all 50 states. However, sports fans in one of those states will be setting off fireworks a week early. This week, Oregon is the sports capital of the USA.


Sunday night in Omaha, Oregon State won its second consecutive College World Series championship with a 9-3 victory over North Carolina. UNC also fell in last year’s championship series, so the Tar Heels once again settled for the honor of “best team outside of Corvallis.” The Beavers were superior in all facets of the game during the two-game sweep at Rosenblatt Stadium. Their advantage even extended to the dugout reporters, as Carolina settled for Kyle Peterson, while OSU hung out with Erin Andrews. ESPN invited an endless stream of inappropriate remarks by assigning its hottest female reporter to Beaver commentary.


OSU closed the postseason with ten consecutive victories. The run was particularly surprising given the club’s struggles in the regular season. The Beavers tied for sixth in the Pac-10 with a 10-14 conference record. They finished nine games behind league leader Arizona State, whom OSU beat 12-6 in Omaha. Last month, the Beavers endured a three-game sweep by the Sun Devils as part of a 4-8 May. However, a miserable May gave way to a championship in June. Dirk Nowitzki can only wish he had the same opportunity.


While the Portland Trail Blazers are not currently championship material, they will also have reason to celebrate this Thursday. The Blazers will take a step up in class after making the #1 selection in the NBA draft. Portland has not won a playoff series since its crushing Game 7 loss to the Lakers in the 2000 Western Conference finals. For a while, the Blazers still enjoyed relevance as the go-to team for cracks about criminal activity. However, even that honor has been stolen (as well as assaulted and driven drunk) by the Cincinnati Bengals.


However, on the heels of Brandon Roy’s Rookie of the Year campaign, the franchise will become relevant once again Thursday night. Unless Kevin Durant is the surprise choice, Ohio State’s Greg Oden will be Portland’s most anticipated draftee since Bill Walton in 1974. The Blazers certainly hope that Oden has better luck than Walton in avoiding injuries. However, they would be happy for Oden to follow the big readhead’s example in leading the Blazers to an NBA championship. Portland will even take the risk that 30 years from now, Oden will be an egotistical broadcaster bantering with Snapper Jones.


With sports in the Beaver State on the rise this week, perhaps it is time for Oregon to improve its state motto as well. The current one is “Alis volat propriis” - Latin for “She flies with her own wings.” First of all, no state should have a motto that sounds like a Patrick Swayze ballad from Dirty Dancing. Also, whoever “she” is, why would she be flying with someone else’s wings? The state animal is a beaver, so why would wings even enter the picture at all? Is the phrase a sly reference to the fact that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest takes place in Oregon? As you can see, the current motto raises more questions than answers.


In the meantime, the state will enjoy its sports karma while it lasts. The Atlanta Braves could use some of that good fortune these days. The Braves have lost five straight games by a combined score of 27-1. If things continue to go poorly tonight against the Washington Nationals, expect manager Bobby Cox to get tossed early and break the major league record for ejections. Cox won’t stay around for the post-game press conference. He’ll be on his way to Oregon, looking for answers.

AFI's Top 100 & The BCS

On Wednesday, the American Film Institute unveiled its 2007 list of the top 100 American movies of all time. The current list was an update to one released by AFI in 1998. As is the case with college football, the honor of being #1 was decided by voters, and the films won’t be participating in a playoff anytime soon.


However, perhaps the AFI rankings could be used to set up BCS-style matchups between the top movies. Here were the BCS showdowns last year, with the BCS ranking of each participant:

Rose Bowl: #3 (Michigan) vs. #5 (USC)
Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Boise State) vs. #10 (Oklahoma)
Orange Bowl: #6 (Louisville) vs. #14 (Wake Forest)
Sugar Bowl: #4 (LSU) vs. #11 (Notre Dame)
BCS Championship Game: #1 (Ohio State) vs. #2 (Florida)

For the AFI matchups, we’ll simply substitute the equivalently ranked films in place of the above teams. Here’s a forecast of how these showdowns would turn out:


Rose Bowl: #3 (Casablanca) vs. #5 (Singin’ in the Rain). Casablanca was ranked #2 in the 1998 poll, so it has to be furious over being excluded from the matchup of #1 vs. #2. So like Michigan last January 1, it won’t have the necessary focus against a formidable opponent. Like USC, Singin’ in the Rain takes place in LA and features stars with amazing footwork. Rick and Ilsa may always have Paris, but they’ll want to forget Pasadena. The Pick: Singin’ in the Rain

Fiesta Bowl: #8 (Schindler’s List) vs. #10 (The Wizard of Oz). Both these opponents defy the conventional wisdom: the color movie is from 1939, while the 1993 film is in black and white. But you have to favor Schindler’s List here. “Powerful” is the word most often used for it. As for The Wizard of Oz, not only is the Fiesta Bowl not in Kansas, but the playing surface at the University of Phoenix Stadium contains no yellow bricks. Plus, a bowl game is no place for munchkins – or for Lions. The Pick: Schindler’s List

Orange Bowl: #6 (Gone With the Wind) vs. #14 (Psycho). It’s Vivian Leigh vs. Janet Leigh! As a southeastern powerhouse, Gone With the Wind should thrive in a bowl environment. And with this showdown taking place in Florida, it surely will have plenty of fan support. Psycho is lucky to be here, since it’s not even the highest-rated Hitchcock film on the list (Vertigo is #9). So Gone With the Wind will cruise, although afterwards it might get stabbed in the shower. The Pick: Gone With the Wind

Sugar Bowl: #4 (Raging Bull) vs. #11 (City Lights). City Lights faces many of the same issues as Notre Dame in last year’s Sugar Bowl. The 1931 Charlie Chaplin film was #76 in the 1998 poll, so there are serious questions about whether it truly belongs here. Also, as a silent film made in the age of sound, it’s desperately holding onto the past. On the other hand, Raging Bull is the top-rated sports movie of all-time, so it should relish the competitive environment. Also, its themes of violence and massive weight gain will be right at home in New Orleans. The Pick: Raging Bull

AFI Championship Game: #1 (Citizen Kane) vs. #2 (The Godfather). Citizen Kane is the clear favorite here. However, #2 usually takes down #1 in the BCS, and the same will happen here. The USC-Texas classic, in particular, provides a guide. Citizen Kane is a defending champion, having also been #1 in the 1998 survey. It ends with Rosebud going up in flames, just as USC’s dynasty went up in flames at the Rose Bowl. Whether it’s Vince Young or the Corleones, the winners will be masters of the shotgun. The Pick: The Godfather


Chances are, these matchups will never take place. But if they do, the AFI winners will be just like their BCS counterparts. They’ll look great in the film room.

U.S. Open's Ties To Other Sports

Sunday at Oakmont, Argentina’s Angel Cabrera withstood a brutal course and challenges from Tiger Woods and Jim Furyk to win the U.S. Open. Golf’s second major of the year was Sunday’s top sports story, but it also mirrored storylines from the current or most recent seasons of the other major sports. Here’s a rundown.


U.S. Open: Angel Cabrera had a triumphant Sunday.
MLB: Angels’ Cabrera had a triumphant Sunday.

U.S. Open: Champion is from Argentina.
NBA: Champions Manu Ginobili and Fabricio Oberto are from Argentina.

U.S. Open: Golfers did a lot of cursing at the tee.
NFL: Fans did a lot of cursing at T.O.

U.S. Open: Champion is called “Pato,” Spanish for Duck.
NHL: Champions are called the Anaheim Ducks

U.S. Open: Low scores were rare in western Pennsylvania.
College Football: For Pitt defense, low scores were rare in western Pennsylvania.

U.S. Open: Nike icon Tiger Woods settled for runner-up status.
NBA: Nike icon LeBron James settled for runner-up status.

U.S. Open: Cabrera passed 3rd round leader Aaron Baddeley.
MLB: Barry Bonds wants to pass Aaron badly.

U.S. Open: Players had trouble with their drivers.
NASCAR: Teresa Earnhardt had trouble with her driver.

U.S. Open: Pennsylvania’s Jim Furyk finished one stroke short of a playoff.
NFL: Pennsylvania’s Steelers finished one win short of the playoffs.

U.S. Open (golf): No American has won since 2003.
U.S. Open (tennis): No American man has won since 2003.

U.S. Open: If you handled one green, the next green would get you.
College Basketball: Ohio State handled Jeff Green, but not Taurean Green.

U.S. Open: The leader was subject to change at any moment.
NBA: The Orlando Magic’s leader was subject to change at any moment.

U.S. Open: Tiger finished the weekend in second, one stroke behind.
MLB: Tigers finished the weekend in second, one game behind.

U.S. Open: Frustration was the norm at Oakmont.
NFL: Frustration was the norm in Oakland.

U.S. Open: Opening with a six was bad news.
College Football: For Ted Ginn Jr., opening with a six was bad news.

U.S. Open: Crowd-pleasing Phil Mickelson exited after the second round, hampered by a sore wrist.
NBA: Crowd-pleasing Phoenix Suns exited after the second round, hampered by a Spur’s forearm.

U.S. Open: Dejection was common on the course.
Tour De France: Injection was common on the course.

U.S. Open (golf): Set the stage for the next major, played on grass in Britain.
French Open: Set the stage for the next major, played on grass in Britain.

U.S. Open: No clubs seemed to have the answer.
MLB: In the NL Central, no clubs seem to have the answer.

U.S. Open: Wearing red on Sunday didn’t lead Tiger to victory.
NFL: Wearing red on Sunday didn’t lead Tampa Bay to victory.

Tony & Other Parkers

Thursday in Cleveland, the San Antonio Spurs wrapped up their fourth NBA championship since 1999 with an 83-82 victory over the Cavaliers. Tony Parker was not on hand for the first title, but the Frenchman was the driving force this time. Parker became the first Spur other than Tim Duncan to be named Finals MVP. Fox once had a sitcom called Parker Lewis Can’t Lose, but this time another Parker went undefeated as San Antonio completed a four-game sweep. Tony shares similarities with numerous other Parkers as well. Here’s a rundown.


Charlie Parker: Played jazz and was known as “Bird”
Tony Parker: Played the Jazz and won like Bird

Sarah Jessica Parker: Fundamentally linked to Mr. Big
Tony Parker: Linked to the Big Fundamental

Parker Brothers: Set the standard in board games
Tony Parker: As Finals MVP, set the standard in boring games

Trey Parker: South Park co-creator likes to be dirty
Tony Parker: Teammate Bruce Bowen likes to be dirty

Tony Parker: Brought heartbreak to Cleveland Cavs fans
Willie Parker: Brings heartbreak to Cleveland Browns fans

Tony Parker: Won his third title this year
Peter Parker: Won his third box office title this year

Colonel Tom Parker: Couldn’t stop premature death of The King
Tony Parker: Caused premature demise of The King

Bonnie Parker: With Clyde Barrow, was in a gang that shot and robbed
Tony Parker: Is in a gang with Big Shot Rob

Tony Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2003
Smush Parker: Helped eliminate the Lakers in 2007

Tony Parker: Piling up points in the paint, he’s at home around wide-bodies
Parker Stevenson: When married to Kirstie Alley, he was at home around a wide-body

Dave Parker: Won a championship on a team led by Pops
Tony Parker: Won three championships on teams led by Pop

Tony Parker: Embraces odd-numbered years
Parker Posey: As a Christopher Guest regular, embraces odd characters

Camilla Parker Bowles: Married a prince in 2005
Tony Parker: Defeated Tayshaun Prince in 2005

Dorothy Parker: Known for her mocking wittiness
Tony Parker: Made a mockery of “We are all witnesses”

Tony Parker: Fiancée plays a smokin’ suburbanite on TV
Mary-Louise Parker: Plays a tokin’ suburbanite on TV

Candace Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland
Tony Parker: Won this year’s title in Cleveland. Hopefully, Imus won’t comment on the runner-up.

Ray Parker Jr.: Known for asking “Who you gonna call?”
Tony Parker: Plays at the AT&T Center

Jennifer Parker: Marty’s girlfriend in Back To The Future
Tony Parker: Hopes to go back-to-back in the future

Manning To Replace Barker On "The Price Is Right"

This Friday represents the end of an era on CBS, as Bob Barker departs after 35 years of hosting The Price Is Right. Since Barker announced his retirement intentions last fall, television insiders have speculated about his replacement. Today came the surprising answer. The next host of The Price Is Right will be Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.


Manning was considered a natural to host, given his enthusiastic interaction with everyday people in his MasterCard commercials. CBS executives were apparently undaunted by claims that the “Priceless” ads were part of a conspiracy to take down the long-running game show. Manning’s hiring provides natural cross-promotion opportunities for CBS, which televises AFC games. In a similar vein, the show airing after The Price Is Right is expected to be renamed The Vince Young and the Restless.


Beginning on Monday, Manning will film as many shows as possible before Colts training camp begins on July 29. Other tapings will take place during Indy’s bye week in October. To accommodate the preferences of Peyton, the studio will not allow entrance to anyone from New England. However, Steve Spurrier is eager to become a contestant, since Manning has never been able to stop him from winning.


Barker and the new host have no shortage of similarities. Both have presided over long-running successful enterprises. Manning has won regular season and Super Bowl MVP awards, while Barker has piled up the Emmys. Also, both Bob and the NFL were born in the 1920s. Hopefully, the similarities end at Barker’s infamous pummeling of Happy Gilmore. To be on the safe side, U.S. Open officials will be on the lookout this Sunday in case Manning runs onto the green to deck Tiger Woods.


The show’s announcer, Rich Fields, will be an appropriate partner for a guy who’s gotten rich on the field. Hearing frequent shouts of “A new car!” will remind Manning of his SEC football days. To incorporate the NFL theme, Fields will change his call of “Come on down!” to “First down!” The contestants will run down to The Trenches, formerly known as Contestant Row. Therefore, like all announcers connected with football, Fields can say, “This game is being won in The Trenches!”


Manning will put his personal stamp on the show in many ways. Barker’s Beauties will now be known as Peyton’s Peaches. You might hear the quarterback say something like, “The actual retail price is $879. But you can’t measure what’s in that prize’s heart!” Enthusiasm will still be encouraged, but the hysterical jumping around by contestants will almost certainly be toned down a few notches. Otherwise, Peyton will tell them, “Look, Marvin Harrison doesn’t jump around like an idiot when he wins a dinette set. Act like you’ve been there before!” Manning will also make sure that the contestants who make it to the Showcase Showdown will have a perspective that he understands. Before the Showdown, each contestant will have to listen to sports reporters and talk radio hosts screaming that they can’t win the big one.


While he makes the show his own, Manning is fully aware of the importance of preserving Barker’s legacy. Therefore, he will close every edition of The Price Is Right in traditional fashion, with a football addition: “Have your pet spayed or neutered, and kept off Michael Vick’s property.”

Nadal Turns Roland Garros Into The 21 Club

Located at 21 West 52nd Street, the 21 Club is a venerable restaurant in Manhattan. Like New York City, Paris boasts great plenty of great restaurants and hosts a Grand Slam tennis tournament. Thanks to French Open champion Rafael Nadal, the City of Lights had its own 21 Club on Sunday: Roland Garros Stadium.


In winning his third consecutive title, the 21-year-old Nadal moved to 21-0 lifetime at the French Open. While Nadal is only halfway to Bjorn Borg’s six singles championships at Roland Garros, the Spaniard is clearly the greatest clay court player in the 21st century. He’s even one better than “The Greatest” himself. Nadal is 21-0 on the Paris clay, whereas Muhammad Ali was 20-0 as Cassius Clay. The women’s side also had a three-peat thanks to Justine Henin, whose first of four overall French titles had come at age 21.


Nadal’s triumph provided more frustration for Roger Federer, who 21 days earlier had finally beaten his rival on clay. That victory was in Germany, where this week’s G-8 summit brought numerous 21-gun salutes. Since capturing his first Grand Slam singles title as a 21-year-old, Federer has won at least three championships each at the Australian Open, Wimbledon, and the U.S. Open. However, he has yet to break through in Paris. Federer’s buddy Tiger Woods also won his first major as a 21-year-old, but he had no trouble completing the career Grand Slam. Perhaps it’s fortunate for Tiger that none of the golf majors are played on clay.


The smart money was on Nadal in Las Vegas, where 21 is always a good number. Anyone at least the age of 21 could celebrate a winning bet with a glass of champagne. They could also toast the 21st amendment, which repealed prohibition. One group of Americans who did not toast Nadal was the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who resent the extension of undefeated streaks.


As a star who enjoys being in France, Nadal has much in common with Johnny Depp, who broke onto the scene in 21 Jump Street. Depp is also in the limelight these days, thanks to Jack Sparrow. The role brought him a 2003 Oscar nomination, just as 21 Grams did for Naomi Watts and Benicio Del Toro. However, Depp is not the greatest Pirate of all time – that honor goes to #21 Roberto Clemente.


Next year, Nadal will go for his fourth championship at Roland Garros. Tim Duncan is well on his way to his fourth NBA title, excelling as #21 for the San Antonio Spurs. After two wins over the Cleveland Cavaliers, few observers expect there to be a game 7 on June 21. Duncan is getting a huge assist from Tony Parker, so like Nadal he’s at his best with French people around him.


The next challenge for Nadal is to triumph at Wimbledon, owned by Federer the past four years. Like Nadal, #21 LaDainian Tomlinson has yet to win a championship on grass. Tomlinson hopes to change that next February. If he does, he’ll accomplish what another LT did 21 years earlier in Super Bowl XXI.


In the meantime, Nadal can savor Sunday’s victory at the 21 Club. Unlike Federer, he has little chance to come close to 21 Grand Slam singles titles in his career. However, once he retires, perhaps he can join some other entertainers who were on top this weekend. He’d be a great addition to the cast of Ocean’s 21.

Why the Stanley Cup Is Like Paris Hilton

Last night in the Honda Center, the Anaheim Ducks defeated the Ottawa Senators 6-2 to wrap up the Stanley Cup finals in five games. While the Ducks celebrated their first championship, NBC and the NHL lamented the lack of interest in the event in the United States.

Unlike hockey, Paris Hilton never has to worry about media attention in America. Her headlines continued overnight, as she was released from jail early to serve the remainder of her prison sentence in home confinement. Basically, she switched to a different penalty box. Hockey’s storied trophy does share some similarities with the hotel heiress. Here are numerous ways Lord Stanley’s Cup is like Paris.


It resides in Southern California these days.

It weighs 35 pounds.

It gets passed around by a bunch of men.

In the U.S., it’s the frequent target of jokes.

It travels extensively.

When it’s not traveling, it’s locked up.

Millions have seen it on tape.

It doesn’t do anything on its own.

It’s worth a huge sum of money.

It didn’t get any action in 2005 (whoops, that doesn’t belong).

Last night, it was around a bunch of people in uniforms.

Lots of alcohol has been poured into it.

It’s been on numerous late-night talk shows.

It symbolizes a standard of excellence (that doesn’t belong either).

Every team member gets to have it for a night.

Regular guys don’t get to be around it.

It just doesn’t fit with the word “Senator.”

A Billy Donovan Guide To TV Characters

From 1978 to 1981, The White Shadow brought coach Ken Reeves into the homes of viewers. Over the past few days, another basketball coach has been the center of a widely viewed drama. While the parties involved are still working out the resolution, it appears certain that Billy Donovan will return to the University of Florida after signing a contract with the Orlando Magic. Donovan may have a link to Ken Howard, but he won’t be connected to Dwight Howard. Besides the Carver High School coach, here are some other TV characters with relevance to Donovan’s career.


George Costanza: George once quit his job, then reconsidered and went back to work like it never happened.

Hayden Fox: The title character in Coach won a national championship before bolting for a pro job in Orlando. His Orlando gig also was soon cancelled.

Eddie Munster: Opposing fans have pointed out the resemblance.

Homer Simpson: If he keeps UF among the elite, Donovan will wind up in Springfield.

Gilligan: Billy’s Orlando experience was the opposite of the Little Buddy’s expedition. After expecting many years, he wound up with a three-hour tour.

Mimi Bobeck: On the Cleveland-set Drew Carey Show, she was Drew’s arch-enemy. Donovan is also a nemesis in Ohio.

Ernie Pantusso: Like Sam Malone’s pal, Donovan decided to stay as Coach “where everybody knows your name.”

Lucy Ricardo: As a Pitino disciple, Billy also looks to Ricky for guidance.

MacGyver: Donovan is using any available resources (i.e. lawyers) to escape from his predicament.

The Fonz: Jerry Tarkanian won one national championship at UNLV. With his second title, Donovan jumped the Shark.

Stella Bonasera: That’s the CSI: New York character played by Melina Kanakaredes. Like Donovan, Kanakaredes was once the star of Providence.

George Jefferson: Billy was also movin’on up, until he decided to break the lease on the deluxe apartment in the sky.

Toonces: As Kentucky fans would attest, Cats are consistently in peril around Donovan.

Laverne De Fazio & Shirley Feeney: They made their dreams come true at the Shotz Brewery. Donovan made his dreams come true thanks to shots from Brewer.

Jim Halpert: Whether it’s Orlando/Gainesville or Pam/Karen, neither guy can make up his mind.

Doogie Howser: Donovan was much younger than his peers (28) when he became a college head coach.

Cliff Huxtable: He was played by another Bill who was #1 on multiple occasions.

Marcia Brady: Orlando was jilted after “something suddenly came up.”

John Carter: The ER doctor, played by Noah Wyle, was an associate of Mark Green. Donovan was also connected to Noah and Green.

Kevin Arnold: In Gainesville, 2006 and 2007 have been The Wonder Years.

Mary Richards: Billy’s saga brought stress to Anthony Grant, just as Mary did to Lou Grant.

Sonny Crockett: Donovan is at home with the Florida Gators, whereas Crockett kept a gator in his Florida home.

Frasier Crane: Like Billy, he was wealthy and tended to over-analyze his decisions.

Rerun: That’s what UCLA fans thought they were watching at the Final Four.

Bobby Ewing: Maybe the contract signing was all just a dream.

Cleveland vs. San Antonio: An NBA Finals Breakdown

Saturday night in Quicken Loans Arena, the Cleveland Cavaliers downed the Detroit Pistons 98-82 in Game 6 to advance to their first-ever NBA Finals. The San Antonio Spurs are next for LeBron James and company, with Game 1 at the AT&T Center on Thursday night. Here’s a detailed breakdown of the two finalists.


First Round Victims: The Cavs swept the depleted Washington Wizards, while the Spurs beat the Nuggets in five. Cleveland sports fans can only wish for a playoff victory over a team from Denver. Advantage: San Antonio

Top Tourist Attractions: The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame honors the best of all time, but the Alamo pays homage to an outmanned group who got slaughtered on their home court. Advantage: Cleveland

Matt Bonner: The Spurs reserve played college ball at Florida, so he has to feel confident facing an Ohio team in the finals. Advantage: San Antonio

Famous Game 5 Heartbreakers: No offense to Derek Fisher, but if you’re going to have your heart ripped out at the buzzer, it might as well be by Michael Jordan. Advantage: Cleveland

Reading High School: Donyell Marshall is the first player from my high school to appear in the NBA Finals. So why not give some dap to the Red Knights? Advantage: Cleveland

Zoos: The San Antonio Zoo has one of the world’s largest bird collections, while the Cleveland Metroparks Zoo has the largest collection of primates of any zoo in the United States. Larry Bird won three NBA titles, but the Phoenix Gorilla has none. Advantage: San Antonio

Super Bowl: This year’s champ was a Midwestern team led by a guy who does tons of commercials. Advantage: Cleveland

1995 & 1996 ACC Tournaments: Wake Forest defeated Virginia both years. So in the postseason, Tim Duncan is 2-0 vs. the Cavaliers. Advantage: San Antonio

Scrabble: Unless the Spurs get seriously lucky with triple-word squares, they can’t compete with Anderson Varejao, Aleksandar Pavlovic, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. Advantage: Cleveland

WNBA: The San Antonio Silver Stars have had a losing history, but the Cleveland Rockers folded. In Bruce Pearl fashion, Gregg Popovich sometimes shows up to Silver Stars games in body paint. Advantage: San Antonio

College Hoops: Texas-San Antonio went 7-22 this season, so Cleveland State’s 10-21 campaign totally put them to shame. Advantage: Cleveland

Coach Brown: The Spurs are ready for the Cavs’ Mike Brown, since they defeated a coach Brown in their last finals appearance. Coincidentally, Larry Brown accepted a new job and resigned from it while I was typing that sentence. Advantage: San Antonio

Sub-Freezing Temperatures: Cleveland’s Eric Snow provides defense and veteran leadership. But San Antonio had a Hall of Fame Iceman. Advantage: San Antonio

Signature 2007 Playoff Moments: What was more thrilling? LeBron’s unbelievable game 5 against Detroit, or Amare Stoudemire and Boris Diaw leaving the bench area? Advantage: Cleveland

Witness: The word on the shirts of many Cavaliers fans. It’s nice to honor a 1985 Best Picture nominee, but Witness lost the Oscar to Out of Africa. Advantage: San Antonio


Tallying up the results, it’s San Antonio 8, Cleveland 7. Looks like a fourth title in nine years for the Spurs.

U.S. Men's Tennis & The Utah Jazz

On Wednesday, American men fell to 0-9 in the 2007 French Open, so the U.S.A. is completely unrepresented in the second round. The Utah Jazz fared better in the NBA playoffs, advancing to the third round. However, as hostile as Paris has been to male U.S. tennis players, San Antonio has been even worse to the Jazz. The Spurs advanced to the NBA finals last night, as Utah suffered its 19th consecutive defeat in San Antonio. While the tennis players try to forget Paris, the Jazz can’t help but remember the Alamo. Here’s a comparison of the U.S. men and Utah.


U.S. Men: Curse the name of Frenchman Roland Garros
Utah Jazz: Curse the name of Frenchman Tony Parker

U.S. Men: Had a tough week on center court
Utah Jazz: Had a tough week on the AT&T Center court

U.S. Men: Haven’t won a title in Paris since 1999
Utah Jazz: Haven’t won a game in San Antonio since 1999

U.S. Men: Too many balls hit the net
Utah Jazz: Not enough balls hit the net

U.S. Men: Argentina man beat Robby Ginepri
Utah Jazz: Beaten by Argentina’s Manu Ginobili

U.S. Men: Past greats included Pete Sampras
Utah Jazz: Past greats included Pete Maravich

U.S. Men: Want more attention from American sports fans
Utah Jazz: Want more attention from American sports fans

U.S. Men: Will wait another year to experience the second round
Utah Jazz: Made Tracy McGrady wait another year to experience the second round

U.S. Men: Michael Russell was eliminated by low-key superstar Roger Federer
Utah Jazz: Eliminated by low-key superstar Tim Duncan

U.S. Men: On clay courts, need more good men
Utah Jazz: At home court, need support of good Mormons

U.S. Men: Legendary John McEnroe never won the French Open
Utah Jazz: Legendary John Stockton never won the NBA title

U.S. Men: Won’t get to play Rafael Nadal
Utah Jazz: Rafael Araujo seldom gets to play

U.S. Men: In April, won a second-round Davis Cup series
Utah Jazz: In May, won a second-round series over Baron Davis

U.S. Men: Wish they could keep playing, like Venus & Serena Williams
Utah Jazz: Wish Deron Williams could keep playing

U.S. Men: Look to rebound from a hard spring
Utah Jazz: Look for rebounds from Matt Harpring

U.S. Men: Russia’s Igor Andreev took out 3rd-seeded Andy Roddick
Utah Jazz: 3rd-seeded Spurs took out Russia’s Andrei Kirilenko

U.S. Men: Long French Open title drought was once ended by Michael Chang
Utah Jazz: Long NBA title drought was twice extended by Michael Jordan

U.S. Men: Next round will not have James Blake
Utah Jazz: Next round will not have LeBron James in Salt Lake

U.S. Men: Score was often love-30
Utah Jazz: Carlos Boozer loves to score 30

U.S. Men: Two-time French Open champ was Courier
Utah Jazz: Two-time NBA MVP was Mailman

U.S. Men: Paris is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York
Utah Jazz: San Antonio is more daunting than the hardcourt in New York

U.S. Men: Less successful in France than Jerry Lewis
Utah Jazz: Successful in the NBA thanks to Jerry Sloan

The MLB Sub-500

On Sunday, Dario Franchitti won the rain-shortened Indianapolis 500, which was called with 34 laps remaining. Falling short of 500 is an experience currently shared by 15 major league clubs. Life isn’t as glorious for them as Franchitti these days, and they won’t be getting post-game kisses from Ashley Judd. Here’s a quick look at the MLB Sub-500.


San Francisco Giants: 24-25. In Sunday’s loss to Colorado, Barry Bonds moved closer to the all-time record. His stolen base left him 895 behind Rickey Henderson.

Baltimore Orioles: 24-27. Yesterday, they routed Kansas City after Johns Hopkins edged Duke for the NCAA lacrosse title. So both Baltimore teams beat opponents who took last year off.

Colorado Rockies: 24-27. They’ve actually won six in a row, earning the coveted status of “hottest last place team in the majors.”

Florida Marlins: 24-27. Their weekend sweep by the Mets was capped by Julio Franco’s pinch-hit RBI single on Sunday. Florida is always accommodating to old people from New York.

Toronto Blue Jays: 23-27. “No Canadian champs since ‘93” is true in both hockey and baseball. If you want the drought to end, focus on the Senators.

Chicago Cubs: 22-27. At 2-12 in one-run games, they’ve been as effective in tight situations as Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

Pittsburgh Pirates: 22-28. Before being shut out by Cincinnati on Monday, Pittsburgh scored 33 runs in the first three games of the series. I guess all Pirates were putting up big numbers over the weekend.

New York Yankees: 21-28. Roger Clemens will likely join the Yanks after Monday’s start for Scranton/Wilkes-Barre. He’ll still be pitching for a minor league club.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: 21-28. They’ve finally realized their longtime goal of being on par with the Yankees.

Houston Astros: 21-29. During their eight-game losing streak, the Astros have scored just 16 runs. Only Lindsay Lohan has had a tougher time getting home.

St. Louis Cardinals: 20-28. Following the lead of the Steelers, Hurricanes, and Heat, here’s another defending champ who won’t be winning any playoff games.

Washington Nationals: 21-30. They were off on Monday, so the national holiday was a holiday for the Nationals.

Cincinnati Reds: 19-33. Which Cincinnati performance has been worse: the Reds on the field, or the Bengals off the field?

Kansas City Royals: 19-33. The Royals are 9-19 at home. Looks like Trent Green isn’t the only one in KC who’d rather play somewhere else.

Texas Rangers: 18-33. Over the weekend, they were swept at home by the Red Sox, who headed to Boston after flourishing in Texas. Celtics fans wish the same were true of Kevin Durant.

Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame The Charlestown Chiefs for Gooning It Up

ESPN Classic viewers enjoy regular installments of the Top 5 Reasons You Can’t Blame… series, hosted by Brian Kenny. As noted in three of my previous columns, the series is overly focused on real-life sports figures such as Bill Buckner and Chris Webber. To address this issue, I expanded the approach to take a deeper look at the sports controversies surrounding fictional characters. Previously I chronicled the top 5 reasons you can’t blame Apollo Creed for losing to Rocky Balboa, Charlie Brown for his sports futility, and Crash Davis for being stuck in the minor leagues.


Today I will turn my focus to the Charlestown Chiefs. Featured in the 1977 film Slap Shot, the Chiefs were a minor league hockey laughingstock under player-coach Reggie Dunlop. Their constant losing was accompanied by ridicule from the few fans who watched them take the ice. However, their fortunes turned after adopting a vicious style of play. The Chiefs fought their way to a winning streak, sellout crowds, and ultimately the Federal League championship. However, hockey purists denounced their approach as being too violent and cheapening the skill of the game


A closer examination reveals that numerous factors beyond their control influenced the Chiefs to take the goon route. I may not change your mind about the Chiefs’ role in their actions, but at least I hope to provide material to make you think – assuming you haven’t had too many hockey-related concussions. Before I get to the top five reasons you can’t blame the Charlestown Chiefs for gooning it up, here are reasons that did not make the list – the “Best of the Rest”:

Slap Shot 2: Breaking The Ice. The Chiefs had no idea that they would inspire a much-ridiculed 2002 direct-to-DVD sequel starring Stephen Baldwin and Gary Busey. I haven’t seen it, and chances are you haven’t either. So let’s move on…

The AFC West. The Kansas City Chiefs, coming off three consecutive 5-9 seasons, would finish 2-12 in 1977. So at the time, no one believed that a team called the Chiefs could beat up on anyone. Charlestown rose to the occasion to prove the doubters wrong. In the process, the team of misfit thugs became something never thought possible in Kansas City: a group of Chiefs that the Raiders would love.

Mill Closing: The closing of the mill made the financial outlook even bleaker for residents of Charlestown. But going to War Memorial Arena and seeing opposing players get their faces smashed provided some consolation. Fans who were losing their health care coverage could say, “At least I’m not THAT guy!”

Eddie Shore: Before the final game against the Syracuse Bulldogs, Dunlop tells his team to play “Old time hockey,” supposedly embracing a clean style. He repeatedly mentions Eddie Shore as a role model. In reality, Shore was a bruiser who piled up the penalty minutes and ended the career of Toronto Maple Leafs star Ace Bailey. So when the game deteriorates into a brawl, it really does honor the spirit of Shore. A parallel would be “old time basketball, like Bill Laimbeer.”


And now, the top five reasons you can’t blame the Charlestown Chiefs for gooning it up:

Reason #5: Philadelphia: The Chiefs could look to the City of Brotherly Love to see the benefits of fighting, both on the ice and on screen. The Flyers, known as the Broad Street Bullies, had recently won back-to-back Stanley Cup titles with a style to make Ogie Oglethorpe cringe in fear. Rocky was about to capture another prominent trophy as the Best Picture Oscar winner. Unlike today, that era’s sports landscape was far more receptive to fighting. And to championships in Philly.

Reason #4: Strip Tease. As previously noted, the Chiefs’ final game against Syracuse went haywire when the two goon-laden teams engaged in a full-scale brawl. The fisticuffs paused when Ned Braden, the one Chief who had balked at the thuggish style of play, skated around the ice while taking off his clothes. As a pretty boy with few scratches on him, Braden could get away with stripping instead of fighting. However, brawling was definitely the preferred option for most of the other Chiefs. No one wanted to see those guys skating around in just a jockstrap.

Reason #3: A Woman’s Touch. As professional hockey players, the Chiefs lived in a macho, testosterone-laden world. Homophobia was common, and no player wanted to be labeled as girly. However, the screenplay for Slap Shot and the book on which it was based were both written by Nancy Dowd. Also, the team’s owner was eventually revealed to be Kathryn Walker. So these he-men were actually created and owned by women. The players even had to participate in fashion shows. Their need to fight was a natural way of overcompensating and proving that they weren’t controlled by “a bunch of broads.”

Reason #2: The Hanson Brothers. The savage trio wound up as the breakout stars of the movie. Noticing the success of their goon tactics, Dunlop encouraged the rest of the team to follow suit. While their Artest-like dash into the stands was over the line, the Hansons did provide inspiration for geeks everywhere. They showed that nerdy-looking dudes in glasses could still be tough guys. Also, they might have had a sense that 20 years later, “Hanson Brothers” would make most people think of “MMMBop.” If so, their rage was completely understandable.


Still not convinced? There’s just one reason left, and it belongs to a screen legend who called it a career this week.

Reason #1: Hello… Newman. When Slap Shot was released in 1977, Paul Newman was a five-time Academy Award nominee, but he had not yet received an Oscar. Outwardly it may not have mattered to the man who portrayed Dunlop, but the frustration must have been building. At this point, the guy needed to hit some people. He couldn’t take it out on the Academy, so the Hyannisport Presidents had to bear the brunt of his aggression. Don’t be surprised if Kate Winslet takes the same approach and delivers hits for the Reading Royals. Eventually, Newman did receive three Oscars – Best Actor for The Color of Money, as well as honorary and humanitarian awards. On his behalf, Ned Braden accepted the trophies in a jockstrap.


So there you have it. Maybe I’ve changed your mind about the Charlestown Chiefs, and maybe I haven’t. But I hope I’ve at least given you some new perspectives to consider. Now let’s clear the ice for the Zamboni.

Anaheim Haunts Detroit Sports Tuesday Night

Tuesday night in Secaucus, New Jersey, the Portland Trail Blazers emerged from the NBA Draft Lottery with the #1 selection. Blazer fans are surely ecstatic at the prospect of Greg Oden or Kevin Durant suiting up at the Rose Garden Arena. Sports fans in Detroit would point to another reason why their counterparts in Portland could celebrate on Tuesday. Anaheim couldn’t ruin their night.


Orange County did a number on the Motor City last night. Most significantly, the Anaheim Ducks downed the Detroit Red Wings 4-3 to capture the NHL Western Conference finals in six games. Due in large part to the goaltending of Jean-Sebastien Giguere, Hockeytown was no match for Mickeytown. In a bitter twist for the automotive capital of the U.S., its team was eliminated in the Honda Center. The Ducks’ Honda connection does seem appropriate, since they’re getting more mileage than their competition from Detroit.


Now instead of the Red Wings capturing their 11th Stanley Cup title, either Anaheim or the Ottawa Senators will win their first. The Ducks began their run to the finals with a 4-1 opening round win over Minnesota. Therefore, their mascot Wild Wing contains the nicknames of two of their playoff victims. The then-Mighty Ducks also eliminated the Wild and the Wings on their way to the 2003 Stanley Cup finals, which they lost to New Jersey in seven games. Disney has since sold the team, but “It’s a small world” will accurately describe the U.S. television ratings for these finals.


Also last night, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim held off the Detroit Tigers 6-3. In a potential playoff preview, the Angels increased their AL West lead to 5 ½ games, while the Tigers remained ½ game behind Cleveland in the Central. Orlando Cabrera had a home run and three RBI, and his leaping catch snuffed out a ninth-inning rally for Jim Leyland’s club. Cabrera’s hang time was much better suited to Comerica Park than the Palace of Auburn Hills. In the NBA, you don’t see Orlando winning in Detroit.


The series continues with games tonight and tomorrow afternoon at Comerica. If the Angels continue the Anaheim-over-Detroit trend, the Cleveland Cavaliers will surely adjust accordingly for Thursday’s game 2 against the Pistons at the Palace. The visitors would likely take the court as the Anaheim Cavaliers. Also, in addition to getting to the foul line, LeBron James would need to make another adjustment to enhance his team’s chances for victory. You could expect him to replace his headband with a pair of mouse ears.


Obviously, Tuesday did not feature any Detroit-Anaheim matchups on the gridiron. The NFL season does not kick off for another 3 ½ months. Plus, Anaheim has been out of the league since the Rams bolted for St. Louis in 1995. Detroit has also been without an NFL franchise since the Lions hired Matt Millen.


Perhaps the Tigers will rebound tonight against 5-0 Bartolo Colon. Even if that happens, do not expect the Detroit fans to warm up to Anaheim anytime soon. Last night, Motown fans had a new nickname in mind for the home of Disneyland. To them, Anaheim was the crappiest place on Earth.

Fun Facts About The Horse Racing & Batting Triple Crowns

Saturday at Pimlico Race Track, Kentucky Derby winner Street Sense was nosed out by Curlin in the Preakness Stakes. Therefore, 1978’s Affirmed will remain the most recent triple crown horse for at least another year. Major league hitters have an even longer triple crown drought, with Carl Yastrzemski last accomplishing the feat in 1967. In honor of these rare achievements, here are some fun facts about the horse racing and batting triple crowns.


1937 was the only year in which horse racing (War Admiral) and baseball (Joe Medwick) each had a triple crown winner. The following year, both lost a match race to Seabiscuit.

Medwick was nicknamed Ducky, representing the only time a triple crown was won by a Pretty In Pink character.

1946 and 1948 winners Assault and Citation had nothing to do with the Cincinnati Bengals.

Baseball winners Lou Gehrig and Ty Cobb had a connection to their thoroughbred counterparts. Gehrig was called the Iron Horse, and Cobb was known as a horse’s ass.

Similarly, 1935 winner Omaha reminds baseball fans of the College World Series. Instead of a whip, jockey Willie Saunders used an aluminum bat down the stretch.

Omaha was sired by 1930 winner Gallant Fox. Omaha’s offspring, facing two generations of triple crown pressure, all wound up in rehab.

Gallant Fox was also the cousin of 1933 winner Jimmy Foxx.

Cobb won his triple crown in 1909 with 9 home runs. Back then, the American League had less power than a sitcom husband.

Like baseball, triple crown races before 1947 only allowed white horses.

Due to skipping the Kentucky Derby, the legendary Man ‘O War was not a triple crown winner. He was suspended from the race by David Stern.

Seattle Slew was the 1977 winner. Adhering to the usual Seattle stereotypes, away from the track he hung out in coffeehouses and played in a grunge band.

A notable difference between triple crown winners: They say, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” No one ever said that about Mickey Mantle.

A Phillie has won the triple crown (Chuck Klein), but no filly has done so. The Phillies also have one more World Series title than the fillies.

In 1933, two Philadelphia players (Klein of the Phillies and Foxx of the A’s) won the triple crown. They still got ripped on WIP.

1919 winner Sir Barton was not actually knighted until 1922.

In horse racing, the term triple crown originated because a rapper needed something to rhyme with Churchill Downs.

1973 winner Secretariat still holds the race records in the Derby and Belmont. Unlike baseball records, his marks haven’t been toppled by his steroid-injected successors.

Ted Williams won the 1942 and 1947 American League triple crowns, yet wasn’t named MVP in either season. One of those awards went to Dirk Nowitzki.

Like Williams, jockey Eddie Arcaro won two triple crowns in the 1940s. No word on what his frozen head is up to these days.

No batters won the triples crown in their triple crown seasons. That would just be too mind-blowing.

Johnny Longden, jockey of 1943 winner Count Fleet, was supposed to be on the Titanic. He avoided disaster, unlike Yastrzemski on the ’78 Red Sox.

In his first season after being traded by Cincinnati, Frank Robinson won the 1966 triple crown. Twelve years later, the Reds tried to even the score by offering Johnny Bench for Affirmed.

Rogers Hornsby won the National League triple crown in 1922 and 1925. If his first name hadn’t been plural, he only would have won once.

All triple crown horses were three years old, but no triple crown batters were. Generally speaking, power-hitting three-year-olds don’t hit for average.

NBA Playoffs & The Supreme Court

In recent days, the topic of justice has been hotly debated concerning the NBA playoffs. Contenders are competing to reign supreme on the court, but the judgments of David Stern and Stu Jackson cannot be appealed to the Supreme Court. Still, the robed ones in Washington have much in common with the postseason hoopsters. As noted below, each Supreme Court justice has an NBA counterpart who is still alive in the playoffs.


CHIEF JUSTICE:

John Roberts: Jason Kidd. Roberts is the youngest current member of the High Court. So like the Nets, the Court is led by the Kid(d).

ASSOCIATE JUSTICES:

John Paul Stevens: Jerry Sloan. Both guys used to work in Chicago and have been in their current job for a long time.

Antonin Scalia: Richard Hamilton. The conservative Scalia is an admirer of Alexander Hamilton. As Rip learned in Games 4 and 5, bad things happen to Hamiltons when their opponents shoot better.

Anthony Kennedy: LeBron James. Kennedy often represents the swing vote. LeBron’s a pretty good swingman too.

David Souter: Ben Gordon. New Hampshire’s David is a Souter who came from New England. UConn’s Ben is a shooter who came from New England.

Clarence Thomas: Tim Duncan. Thomas doesn’t speak much during oral arguments, so both guys have a quiet court presence.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Steve Nash. Like the up-tempo Suns point guard, Ginsburg is rarely described as conservative.

Stephen Breyer: Carlos Boozer. The Clinton appointee and the Utah Jazz forward both like to go to the left.

Samuel Alito: Chris Webber. Like Detroit native Webber, Alito is a recent addition to the team he’s always wanted to play for.

RETIRED ASSOCIATE JUSTICE:

Sandra Day O’Connor: Amare Stoudemire. Both received lots of attention when they left the bench.

CW To Air "Artis Gilmore Girls" This Fall

As is the case every May, some long-running network television shows are saying goodbye this month. One such series is Gilmore Girls, whose finale airs this Tuesday night. However, the CW plans a similar-themed replacement this fall. The network will add Artis Gilmore Girls to the primetime schedule.


The new dramedy will also focus on the close-knit relationship between single mother Lorelai and her daughter Rory. In honor of former NBA and ABA center Artis Gilmore, the mother and daughter will each sport an afro and mutton chop sideburns. Once again, the roles will be played by Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel, assuming they each grow to be 7’2” over the summer.


In addition to paying tribute to an All-Star basketball player from the 70s and 80s, the show will mirror the style of its predecessor. Therefore, both Artis Gilmore girls will crash the boards while dispensing lightning-fast witty banter. Every time they block a shot, they’ll make a clever pop culture reference. Additionally, Lorelai will endure a strained relationship with her upper-crust mother, who wants her daughter to be more like Kareem Abdul-Jabaar.


The setting of Stars Hollow will be slightly changed to All-Stars Hollow. The name recognizes the five ABA All-Star and six NBA All-Star Games for Artis during his career. Once again, the town will be filled with quirky characters – just like the ABA. Rory’s best friend will be an indie music enthusiast who frequently dunks a red, white, and blue basketball.


The CW hopes to retain fans of Gilmore Girls while adding viewers who considered it too much of a “chick show.” Artis Gilmore Girls will still feature plenty of mother-daughter bonding at the local diner. Since those discussions involve both food and sarcasm, Lorelai and Rory will often be joined by Charles Barkley. Also, the girls’ romantic travails will be analyzed not only by themselves, but in the studio by Stephen A. Smith.


The new series is sure to boost Artis Gilmore’s profile. Despite a distinguished career with the ABA’s Kentucky Colonels and NBA’s Chicago Bulls, San Antonio Spurs, and Boston Celtics, he has not been elected to the Basketball Hall of Fame. Time has left him overshadowed by the marquee players of his era, but getting his name out there again will surely help his chances to get to Springfield. If there’s one thing that boosts your Basketball Hall of Fame credentials, it’s support from the 18-to-34 year-old female demographic.


Artis Gilmore Girls could be part of a trend this fall. Tonight, CBS bids farewell to The King of Queens after nine seasons on the air. Don’t be surprised if it gets replaced by The Bernard King of Queens.

Dale Jr. To Replace Blair As Prime Minister

Yesterday, British Prime Minister Tony Blair and NASCAR icon Dale Earnhardt Jr. made announcements regarding upcoming changes in their lives. Blair will end his 10-year term as Prime Minister, while Dale Jr. will terminate his relationship with Dale Earnhardt Inc. Today it was revealed that those two developments are related. Sources within Parliament have confirmed that Little E will take over for Blair as British Prime Minister.


The development sent shock waves throughout the United Kingdom. It had been assumed that Blair’s successor would be named according to the typical custom. In that scenario, as the majority party in the House of Commons, the Labour Party would choose the new Prime Minister from within its ranks. However, Chevrolet recently obtained the rights to be the exclusive corporate sponsor of Parliament. Under the terms of the contract, Chevy gets to choose the Prime Minister, so Dale Jr. was a natural choice. The company plans to launch an ad campaign, showing images such as Buckingham Palace, Stonehenge, and the White Cliffs of Dover, accompanied with the message, “Now THIS is our country!”


Reaction in London has been overwhelmingly negative. Blair’s popularity plummeted as he was widely viewed as being too eager to please the United States. Now his replacement will be an actual American. Given their rampant anti-Bush sentiments, Brits were infuriated to hear that Dale Jr. has raced in the Busch Series. Also, they expect their politicians to wear a suit and tie – not a red Budweiser uniform.


Rather than June 27, as originally reported, Blair will turn over his position to Earnhardt after the end of the Nextel Cup season. Sure to be disappointed is treasury chief Gordon Brown, who had been expected to be the next Prime Minister. Having a rival named Gordon is nothing new for Junior. In fact, during Brown’s most recent address to the House, Dale’s fans pelted him with beer cans.


Ironically, Little E will be headed to the UK because Dale Earnhardt Inc. was far from a United Kingdom. Animosity between Junior and his stepmother, DEI owner Teresa Earnhardt, had reached the point of no return. Hopefully his relationship with Queen Elizabeth II will be much smoother. Junior does have an understanding of royal figures, as his legendary father was the equal of The King, Richard Petty. Likewise, Elizabeth would fit in with the NASCAR culture. Last week she attended the Kentucky Derby, so she enjoys watching races with tens of thousands of drunken fans. In addition, Elizabeth has acknowledged that she would like to change her title from “Queen” to “England’s Crew Chief.”


Numerous changes are expected when Dale Jr. takes over for Blair. In honor of his father, the famous Prime Minister address of 10 Downing Street will likely be changed to 3 Victory Lane. Parliamentary proceedings at the Palace of Westminster are expected to see a huge increase in tailgating. Debate on issues will begin on the green flag and finish on the checkered flag. A caution flag will be in effect whenever a House member crashes into a wall during debate.


Political observers are eager to see how Earnhardt’s foreign policy evolves. Iraq is a primary concern, with pundits asking, “Where is Little E on the Middle East?” They will also want to know his expertise on foreign trade – not just trading paint. Dale Jr. does have experience in dealing with France, the ruling family of NASCAR. Additionally, the London Olympics are still five years away, but the new Prime Minister is expected to lobby the International Olympic Committee to make stock car racing an Olympic sport.


Junior’s upcoming term continues the intermingling of the USA and UK sports worlds. Manchester United is now principally owned by an American, Malcolm Glazer. British soccer icon David Beckham will soon be suiting up for the Los Angeles Galaxy. Even the Prime Minister position has previously been involved with American sports, as Margaret Thatcher spent a season at power forward for the Milwaukee Bucks.


Before long, Dale Jr.’s focus will shift from racing Tony Stewart to replacing Tony Blair. When that happens, Parliament will get to experience history. Little E will meet Big Ben.

Reds Implement No-Oswalt Policy At Ballpark

With 81 home dates a season, major league ballclubs must always be sensitive to the fan experience at games. High ticket prices, parking lot gridlock, obnoxious drunks, and mediocre baseball can all be major turn-offs for potential spectators. Today the Cincinnati Reds took a step to make the home fans’ experience at Great American Ball Park more enjoyable. The venue now has an official No-Oswalt policy.


The policy was implemented after the Reds’ 5-4 loss to the Houston Astros Monday night. Roy Oswalt earned the victory after allowing two runs over seven innings. The win improved Oswalt’s lifetime record against Cincinnati to an amazing 19-1. No one has been tougher on Reds since the McCarthy hearings.


With that track record in mind, management decided that Oswalt will now be prohibited from entering Great American Ball Park. Owner Robert Castellini explained, “We’re trying to promote a fan-friendly experience for the home fans. How fan-friendly can it be if their team has no shot in hell of winning?” Oswalt joins other items you won’t see at the ballpark, such as glass bottles, cans, and a quality bullpen.


General Manager Wayne Krivsky also cited safety concerns. “There’s been a lot of talk about alcohol in the clubhouse lately. Well, facing Oswalt drives our players to drink!” The Reds’ clubhouse does appear to be a safer place these days, especially since Lou Piniella and Rob Dibble are no longer there together. Cincinnati plans to further emphasize safety by hiring a new team physician, a position formerly held by Dr. Johnny Fever. As manager Jerry Narron remarked, “Safety is always a concern for us. Ken Griffey, Jr. is on our team.”


The Astros are expected to appeal the decision to major league baseball. However, the issue does not appear to be urgent for commissioner Bud Selig. After this series, Houston does not visit Cincinnati again until late September. Reportedly, Selig is assuming that the Astros ace will be a Yankee by then.


If the policy does get overturned, the Reds have a backup plan for future Oswalt starts. Noting that he is winless with a 6.41 ERA in five career starts versus Atlanta, Cincinnati would wear Braves uniforms and display a banner proclaiming “Welcome To Turner Field!”. Before things even get to that point, they plan to employ a proven strategy for getting someone banned from the ballpark in Cincinnati. They’ll tell Selig that Oswalt bet on baseball.


On the field, the Reds continue to struggle at 14-18. However, team officials remain proud of their home venue. The No-Oswalt policy is a small step to reward the home fans at Great American Ball Park. Management realizes that the Cincinnati fans have enough to worry about when they go to the ballpark. After all, sometimes Bengals are in the stands.

Howards' End

The legendary Howard Cosell was known for “telling it like it is.” If he were alive today, Cosell would have some harsh words regarding his namesakes in the American sports world. Right now, it’s a tough time to be a Howard.


That statement has been particularly true in the NBA playoffs. The first team eliminated was the Orlando Magic, led by Dwight Howard. Orlando was given little chance against the top-seeded Detroit Pistons, but Magic fans had to be disappointed in getting swept. While Howard provides hope for the future, the franchise has not won a playoff series since Shaquille O’Neal left for Los Angeles in 1996. Besides Shaq’s departure, the drought most likely resulted because God is punishing Orlando for pushing boy bands onto the world.


Apparently, the secret to victory by a #8 seed was to have a Howard in the opponent’s starting lineup. Even with Josh Howard averaging over 20 points, the Dallas Mavericks were stunned by the Golden State Warriors in six games. On the bright side for Howard, the name most associated with this loss was a bit more German-sounding. Although he will almost certainly win the MVP award, Dirk Nowitzki will face ongoing “can’t win the big one” scrutiny. After his 2-for-13 performance in Game 6, MVP stands for “Making Vacation Plans.”


The Mavericks weren’t the only Texas team to be undone by the Howard affliction. Despite playing at home for game 7, the Houston Rockets fell 103-99 to the Utah Jazz, ending the season of Juwan Howard. The headlines are about Tracy McGrady’s playoff defeats, but Juwan’s demise means a clean sweep of the NBA Howards. League officials are fortunate that David Stern is in charge, rather than Howard Stern.


The Howard effect is not limited to the basketball court. 2006 National League MVP Ryan Howard is currently batting .198 as his Philadelphia Phillies head into tonight’s series-ender with the San Francisco Giants. Last year he slugged 58 home runs, but now he’s living below the Mendoza Line. His cold stretch has led to something unbelievable in San Francisco this weekend. He’s a huge, left-handed home run champ, but no one thinks he’s on steroids.


Considering the struggles of Howards, you might think the Detroit Red Wings tempted fate by recalling goaltender Jimmy Howard on Thursday. However, the Red Wings already have future Hall of Famer Dominik Hašek in net, backed up by Chris Osgood. Hašek is a two-time Hart Trophy winner as the league MVP. Still, he has never been more valuable than he is now, because his presence keeps a Howard out of action.


NFL teams surely have taken note of the Howard effect. In last week’s draft, not one player named Howard was chosen throughout the seven rounds. Even Green Bay was scared, despite capturing Super Bowl XXXI thanks to Desmond Howard. Additionally, just to be safe, no team drafted a player from Howard University. If Brady Quinn had been named Brady Howard, he might still be sitting in Radio City Music Hall.


The Howard struggles do not seem to be in effect outside the American sports world. Goaltender Tim Howard was victorious Saturday, as his Everton club defeated Portsmouth 3-0 in an important English Premier League match. Also, Spider-Man 3 is on its way to a runaway box office triumph, despite the presence of Bryce Dallas Howard. In addition to nullifying the Howard effect, the film provides the weekend’s only opportunity to put “triumph” and “Dallas” in the same sentence.


As for the Howards in American sports, perhaps Ryan can soon turn things around. As another Howard (Jones) once sang, “Things can only get better.” If they don’t soon, Ryan Howard may echo Network character Howard Beale: “I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”

Kentucky Derby Names & Their Other Sports Meanings

Yesterday in Louisville, the draw was held to determine starting positions for Saturday’s Kentucky Derby. 20 horses are scheduled to compete in the Run for the Roses at Churchill Downs. Beyond horse racing, each of the 20 names relates to the sports world in some other way. Here’s a rundown, in order of post position.


1. Sedgefield: Why Sedge will win a Gold Glove, according to Tarzan.

2. Curlin: An ice-oriented sport the Chicago Black Hawks might want to try, since hockey hasn’t worked out.

3. Zanjero: What Harry Caray would call Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano.

4. Storm in May: Something the Seattle Mariners do not want to see, after a postponement-filled April.

5. Imawildandcrazyguy: The last thing an NFL player wants to say to hard-line commissioner Roger Goodell.

6. Cowtown Cat: Phil Jackson’s nickname for Sacramento guard and former Arizona Wildcat Mike Bibby.

7. Street Sense: The logic that convinces Oakland closer Huston to walk Vladimir Guerrero with first base open.

8. Hard Spun: A NASCAR driver’s position, just after hitting the wall.

9. Liquidity: What makes you sweat, according to Yogi Berra.

10. Teuflesberg: German for “Devil’s Mountain,” representing the 3-1 deficit faced by New Jersey against Ottawa.

11. Bwana Bull: Nickname for actor Eric Bana, after he joins the Chicago Bulls and adds a “W” to his name to show his commitment to winning.

12. Nobiz Like Showbiz: Weber State business school course taught by Harold “The Show” Arceneaux.

13. Sam P.: A 1982 teammate of Michael J. and James W. in the NCAA championship showdown against Patrick E. and Sleepy F.

14. Scat Daddy: Shaquille O’Neal’s new nickname, after Shaq Daddy is traded to the Jazz.

15. Tiago: Usually seen as “T Iago” – what referee Joey Crawford would do in a production of Othello.

16. Circular Quay: Obscure British tennis player Cular Quay, who hopes to celebrate knighthood by ending the host country’s drought at Wimbledon. I’ll give you a minute on this one.

And DOWN the stretch they come!!!

17. Stormello: The Carmelo Anthony-inspired mascot of the WNBA’s Seattle Storm.

18. Any Given Saturday: A time of embarrassment for Duke football players.

19. Dominican: Reminiscent of Super Bowl standout Dominic Rhodes.

20. Great Hunter: What I’ll call Torii if he sends some Dom Perignon my way.